Blue Act For Granville Theatre

Yet more evidence, if it was needed, that Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff is the place to be. Work on tarting up the exterior of our super-duper Granville Theatre-ma has finished, and although it still bears more than a passing resemblance to a public toilet block on steroids, the tasteful shade of light blue is a definite improvement on the previous tones of sh*te brown.

With the private sector doing its bit to beautify the area, what a shame our local council can't get off its lardy backside and return the compliment by fixing the two adjacent Victorian shelters which have been 'undergoing repair' since February.

June: Brown

August: Blue

Separated At Birth?

Reader Samantha writes:

I wonder if anyone else has spotted a similarity between Jack Hawkins, the rugged stalwart of 50s and 60s British films, and Sandy Beach, our rugged Thanet Council leader? Are they by any chance related?

Bridge Over The River Kwai

Bridge Over The River Wantsum

Dognappied

This takes the dog biscuit. After it's passed through the pooch, that is. My thanks to Mr X for the photo, but this is absolutely, definitely, positively my final post on barker's nests and what to do with them.

Tomorrow I return to weightier matters, and will reveal... ah, but you'll just have to come back then and find out!

Scoopez Le Poop

Yikes! This blog is rapidly degenerating into one of those silly sign sites. This latest is from reader Glenn (of Terracotta fame), who spied it in Poopignan, er, Perpignan in the south of France. Loosely translated it says:

Make a clean gesture: use the bags provided for you in this distributor.

I'm not sure it would work around here, though. The chances of anyone making a clean gesture if you asked them to scoop up after their pit bull are about as likely as getting a fly-tipping problem resolved by Thanet District Council!

Ramsgate Property Goes Through The Roof

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Property Editor Brickson Mortar

Ramsgate has come top of the seaside property league in a recent survey by the Halifax Building Society. According to the society's number-crunchers, homes in Ramsgate have increased in value by nearly 40% over the past three years, the highest increase in the whole of the south east.

And in the past year, the isle's premier town has only been pipped by Burnham on Crouch and Margate (Can we leave that out? - Ed.)

A spokesman for the Halifax told the Gazunder: 'Whilst other seaside towns across the UK have done better, as far as the south east is concerned Ramsgate was certainly the place to buy three years ago. Unfortunately now it's dear as poison so our advice is to flog granny's bungalow while the going's good, and p*ss off to Bulgaria'. (Shurely shome mishtake? - Ed.)

Ramsgate: bloody expensive

Jet Vote

With all the recent controversy over training flights at Manston, I thought it might be an idea to gauge public opinion. So I've initiated a poll on my sidebar which will run for the next seven days.

Update: Reader Tony suggested that I contact the airport with my idea that they might at least give advance warning of training flights on their website. I emailed them this morning, here is their response:

Dear Mr. Eastcliff, thank you for your email and for your practical suggestion. We shall certainly look in to this initiative. Regards, Customer Services.

Tell Tale Signs

Yesterday's appeal for signs spotted by readers on their travels has really opened up the sluice gates. Mr X sent in the above, which, although it's not officially recognised by the Commission on International Signs and Symbols, is nonetheless pretty clear in its meaning. Mr X also contributed this:

Perhaps if we were to adopt a similarly direct approach with our signage here on Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula, it might prove more effective?

Scooby Doo-Doo

I appear to have struck a rich, um, vein. Following the publication of that barker's nest warning sign last week, 'Don't Doo-Doo' notices from around the world are now winging their way to my inbox on a daily basis.

Regular reader Millicent spotted this one in Germany. Having popped it into the old Alta Vista Babel Fish, it translates thus:

We find sh*ts. Dear owners of dog, dog excrement on sidewalks must from them immediately be removed. On the other hand to threaten up to €50 fine.

Ah, you can rely on the Germans to be blunt about these things. And I expect the fines are rigorously enforced too. If anyone has any further examples, my inbox is always open. eastcliffrichard@yahoo.co.uk

And don't forget that our local ace reporter Kathy Bailes is looking for examples of lorry drivers doing disgusting things over on our less salubrious West Cliff. If you've witnessed anyone depositing, er, an illegal load, or you're concerned about the increasing number of lorries that are parking there, give her a call at the Gazunder on 578992.

Bullet Train Bulletin

I see today's Observer is reporting that our new Japanese bullet trains are due in at Southampton docks any time soon. The super-duper, 140mph service will run from 2009, and cut the journey time from the Millionaires' Playground to London's newly revamped St Pancras down to just over an hour. Or just over an hour and 20 minutes if you're a Conservative.

Our train operator is quoted in the newspaper as saying that 'property prices are heading north' because of the new link. I presume that means that the price of a semi in Ramsgate will soon be so eye-watering that people might be forced to consider buying in Margate.

Full Observer report

There's A Kind Of Hush 2

Oh dear. I should have kept my big trap shut. Here come Oozalum Airways again to blast jet fuel over the picknickers on our beach every five minutes!

Update: Here's what Wikipedia says about Oasis Hong Kong Airlines, the people responsible for this particular lump of aluminium. They're a budget, long haul airline (yep, it's a long way from Manston to, er, Manston) based in Hong Kong. They currently own three 747s, with another three due for delivery. In the UK they fly out of Gatwick, which is where they should stay if you ask me.

Oasis was founded by the Reverend Raymond Lee and his lovely wife Priscilla in 2005. There's a background interview with him here. According to the Rev:

I was born into a wealthy business family in Hong Kong. But I never seriously contemplated a career in business. If anything, I was appalled by the strains in familial relations that had been wrought by the love of money. I decided, instead, to serve mankind.

If the word ‘spiritual’ is properly understood to mean ‘bringing enormous benefit to people in all walks of life’, I’m a deeply spiritual man!

Yeah right. Tell that to the people who can't hear themselves pray in St George's on a Sunday, Rev.

Deja Vu?

So, a derelict site in a seaside town has burnt down, not long after it was bought by an arcade owner. Hmmm. Why does that not surprise me?

There's A Kind Of Hush

Lumme! I really am stuck in a 60s groove at the moment, now I'm getting an attack of the Herman's Hermits!

What I meant to say was how marvellously peaceful it's been here in the Millionaires' Playground for the last week or so without those knackered old Jumbo Jets flying over every ten minutes. And as far as I know, nobody's even had to chain themselves to the RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport gates to achieve it!

Actually, you could say it's been a bit too quiet. I mean, isn't this the peak holiday season? Aren't there meant to be queues as far back as Bristol just to check in at Heathrow? And haven't several people recently died of old age waiting to go through security at Gatwick?

So where's the thriving holiday traffic Manston were boasting about in the papers just a week or so ago? Not one of my roof tiles has been blown off by a jet aircraft for days. Not that I'm complaining. As you know, I'm currently running a No.10 petition to get our local council to implement better regulation of those blasted training flights. And as part of my campaign, I've already had some interesting feedback from Airport Watch and the Campaign to Protect Rural England, so watch this (air)space!

Lazing On A Sunny Afternoon

Well the fish aren't biting and the tea's gone cold. The tax man's taken all my dough and left me in my stately home, lazing on a sunny afternoon. I can't even sail my yacht, he's taken everything I've got.

Oops. I appear to have fallen into a Kinks-fuelled timewarp there, sorry. No, the reason for the nostalgia attack is because I've just found Radio Caroline on the web. Since I relocated to Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula, I can't count the number of times that people have come up to me and said: Do you remember the days when you used to be able to get Radio Caroline round here blah boats sinking blah masts snapping blah police raids blah Marine Offences Etc. Act 1967 blah blah blah. I can't count the number of times because, um, there haven't actually been any. But I wouldn't want the truth to get in the way of a good story.

Any road, you can now listen to the former pirates, still pumping out their eclectic mix of 60s and 70s favourites (plus a few newies), but no longer on 259 medium wave. These days they're on broadband, or on your MurdochVision thingy, if you're that way inclined. And they've forsaken the North Sea to broadcast instead from a nice air-conditioned studio in Maidstone. About the only good thing to come out of the place, if you ask me.

Zzzzzzzz

Ho-hum. It seems everyone's moaning about the lack of enthusiasm in mondo blog at the moment.

Big Blog Adem and Big News Tony have both complained of a certain ennui creeping into their jottings, and I know how they feel. Of course, Councillor/Doctor Doctor/Councillor Moores still has his crack team of ex-Daily Mail hacks grinding out the same old stuff day in, day out, but that's only to be expected.

Is it worth telling you that Muffin the Mule appears to be struggling to make ends meet? Nah, probably not. Or that, according to my insiders at the Beeb, the factual and documentary departments are still running around like the proverbial headless chickens after that spot of bother with the Queen? Nah, who cares?

Nope, it's back to the old fishing rod, methinks. And a nice Thermos of tea.

Graphic Warning

Yurgh! What dreadful weather we're experiencing this afternoon here on Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula! Nothing but gales and sideways rain.

To cheer us all up, regular reader Mr X, winner of last year's Joke Week/Weak Joke competition, has sent me this:

Not the new logo for the Snake Charmers' Union, or directions to the local Cumberland sausage factory, but rather the internationally recognised sign for 'Warning! Barker's Nests Ahead!'

Nice one, Mr X. I'll be putting in an express order for several hundred to be distributed around the East Cliff forthwith!

Vicars In A Twist

Holy underwear! I see from the front page of today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder that the vicar of St Peter's Church, the Reverend Brian Moore, has run off with his Sunday school teacher!

The news gives an entirely new complexion to the phrase 'Sunday service', but the writing was on the internet for those in the know as the Randy Rev applied a couple of weeks ago for planning permission for an erection. Of two free-standing, non-illuminated signs outside his church.

I'm not allowed to reproduce the signs, which can be found on the UK Planning website, for copyright reasons. But here's a passable mock-up:

What A Yacht I've Got!

Excitement is mounting in Boredstares, I'm told, where Victorian bathing costumes are about to make way for the thrills and spills of hemp smocks and bladders on sticks.

Yes, the Dickensians are eagerly anticipating their annual Folk Week (or Drunk Week as it's become known locally), which kicks off today. Around 150,000 men and women with beards are expected to descend on the UK's second best seaside town, turning the camp site at Upton School into a mini version of Glastonbury, with the waft of illicit drugs such as Old Nutty Shag and Nadger's Dorchester Wobbly permeating the air.

Meanwhile, here in the Millionaires' Playground, we're anticipating something much more salubrious. Ramsgate Week, organised by our very own Shirley Temple Yacht Club, will see the cream of the yachting fraternity hoity-toiting on land and sea for six days as of tomorrow. According to the lovely Commodore Davena Green, 'Ramsgate Week now provides a real alternative to Cowes', which presumably has had to be cordoned off this year due to foote and mouthe.

Due to one or two financial transactions still being in the, er, pipeline I shan't be participating in the sailing. But you will be able to spot me in my Captain's cap, brass buttoned blazer and deck shoes with the salty seamen on the front. I might even get my Rolex Oyster (Whitstable Edition) back from Hiltons for the occasion. And I'll definitely be rooting out my CockSox swimmers for the Hunks in Trunks competition!

Avast behind! Participants prepare to get their bottoms scraped
at last year's Ramsgate Week

Blue Rags Beach

To the Margate Carnival yesterday. By George, you couldn't have wished for better weather!

And it wasn't just the sun that was out. Our glorious council leader Sandy Beach was mingling with the crowds, pressing the flesh. Dressed in Tory blue top and shorts, of course, accompanied by his charming blonde partner, who was also sporting party colours in the form of a pale blue, flowery summer dress.

Still, somehow the carnival wasn't quite the same this year without the traditional fire to finish it all off.

Update: For the curious among you, one of my readers appears to have captured our Sand and his lovely companion here:

For the sake of disambiguation, Sandy's the chap in blue on the right walking like a former boxer. Which is in fact what he is, apparently.

Live From Margate!

Yes, I'm still on holiday. But I couldn't resist commenting on the fact that Bev and Geoff from BBC South East Today have struggled all the way over from Tunbridge Wells to present their teeny-tiny news from the Arsonists' Playground today. You've got to admire their, er, neck.

Don't expect any hard-hitting journalism, though (as if). Embarrassing questions about Turnips, The Theatre Royal, Dreamland, etc. are off the agenda, I hear, as part of a contradeal not to mention diddling Blue Peter viewers, upsetting the Queen, and that nastiness yesterday at Maidstone Crown Court. Instead we'll be treated to the usual spin about 'turning the corner' and, um, fish and chips.

Who knows, maybe I'll wander over there with my 'Ramsgate's Miles Better' banner!

Meanwhile I see from today's Gazunder that the council's newly inserted artistic director at the Theatre Royal is to put on his own adaption of Homer's Odyssey as part of an exciting new autumn programme. Crikey, that should get the Margate punters flocking. Although to give him credit, it could just be that he's jumping on the Simpsons bandwagon.

It's Back!

No, not me. I'm on a break. I mean the funfair on the Pleasurama eyesore. Just spotted them setting up.

I don't know, first they were on, then they were off. Then they were on again. Then off. Now it looks like they're on. Again. Bit like the EDF leccy supply round here, I suppose!

Moon Shot

I know, I know. I'm meant to be having a break. But I couldn't resist this. There's an amazing view from the balcony of my cliff top mansion tonight. The moon glinting on the sea is quite beautiful. I took this photo just now, hope you like it.

What with that, all the showbiz deaths announced today, and the gin, I'm... I'm welling up.

Separated At Birth?

Reader Samantha writes:

I wonder if anyone else has spotted a similarity between the recently deceased iconic Swedish film maker Ingmar Bergman and that nice presenter of Channel 4's Grand Designs, Kevin McCloud? Are they by any chance related?

Icon

Ikea

Cone Fishing

Zillions of millionaires on Ramsgate beach this afternoon. It seems summer has finally arrived!

Clearly we're now well into the silly season. Parliament has broken up, with old One Eye Brown off to stay with his brand new chum Camp David. The kiddy-diddlers at the BBC (a survey out today shows 60% of adults now trust the BBC less since scandals such as the faked Blue Peter phone-in) have all scarpered to their villas in Tuscany, leaving the viewers to digest endless repeats. And, as you can see by the headline on this post, I'm rapidly running out of ideas for atrocious puns.

So it's time for a bit of a break. There are ice creams to be licked, bottles of Krug to be popped, and an autobiography to be written. But like the Beeb, I'll be bunging up a few repeats, and who knows, if something interesting happens I might even be persuaded to comment on it. As I've always said: You can't get rid of me that easily!

Reading Between The Lines

Margatonians might be forgiven for thinking that all roads out of the town now lead to Reading in Berkshire.

Of course, we all know that one of Margate's prime eyesores, the Dreamland site, is owned by Reading firm Waterbridge. And that Head Dreamland Saver, Nick Laister, who wants to put knackered old rides on the site, is based a few miles up the road in Wantage.

Now the council has given the contract to renovate the pier to a company called Pineapple. It's been quite a trek finding out who Pineapple are, as there's more than one company of that name, but the old Eastcliff mincers eventually alighted upon Pineapple Property (Kent) Ltd. Who, despite having the word Kent in their title, have their registered office in? You've guessed it, Reading!

To be fair, four out of the six shareholders do live in Thanet, according to the latest annual return filed at Companies House, with the other two living in Oxfordshire (not far from Reading).

Oh well, that's what attracting investment is all about, I suppose. Just as long as Margate doesn't end up as, er, attractive as Reading!

Flight In The Ointment

I see our 400 tonne chum is practising not crashing into the Millionaires' Playground again this morning. How nice for the carnival!

Ramsgate's Big Weekend

The Millionaires' Playground is the place to be this weekend! This evening sees the Summer Fiesta at our out-of-this-world East Cliff Bandstand, featuring the St Peter's Stage Band, Vocal Expressions a la Mode, and The Grumpy Gypsy (courtesy of Councillor/Doctor Doctor/Councillor Simon Moores).

And tomorrow we're holding our rip-snorting carnival, with scantily clad luvvlies parading up and down the front dressed in only the skimpiest of sequin-spangled bathing suits. Or am I getting confused with that dream I had last week? New attractions for this year's carnival are:

The Mayor Hair Bunch: Our bouffoned tonseuristas will be handing out free mayor-alike candy floss to the kiddies.

Turn The Councillor Blue: Councillor Mike Taylor, who was recently elected our first and only Ramsgate First representative, but then discovered he had 'always been a Conservative at heart', has sportingly agreed to be paraded around town on the back of a truck and pelted with rotten plums.

Guess The Weight: Plucky Thanet Council officers have volunteered to stand on the rotting Albion House balcony. All you have to do is guess how many it'll take before it collapses!

The weather, however, may not entirely play ball, with the East Cliff bash looking like fun in the sun, while the carnival might end up being a pain in the rain. If only people didn't jet off to sunnier parts and leave our traditional resorts to suffer the climate consequences, we might get our summer back!

Thanet Plan-It

Hurrah! I've just taken delivery of my copy of the Thanet District Council Corporate Plan 2007-2011 and boy, what a gripping read! Enough to make me put down the latest Harry Potter, although we all know by now that he dies at the end so that hasn't exactly been holding my attention.

Most of the contents have already been aired extensively. Nonetheless, when you're onto a good thing, milk it. That's my motto. So here are the highlights:

Economy: Continue support for Manston and their one, rather dodgy plane. Establishment of a Thanet Festival programme. Promote a 'cafe culture'. 300 more homes at Westworld Chaos by 2012 with 2km of road improvements. Commercial diversification of Port Ramsgate including fish/market/restaurant facilities. Margate - Turnip, Dreamland, Arlington, blah blah.

Safety: Reduce crime (natch). Er...

Beautiful Thanet: Less rubbish and barkers' nests. More green, blue and, um, gold flags (What they? - Ed.)

Housing: Encourage developers who build quality homes, and for every development insist that quality of design and material is key. Use the council's assets and landholding to develop new homes. Concrete over anything that moves.

Healthy Communities: More community centres, activities for the kiddies, grants for the less fortunate.

Modern Council: Reduce number of council offices by moving to one site (where?). More benefits claimants and fewer books for the rebuilt Ramsgate Library. Less than 83 years to deal with a complaint.

Coincidentally I see our Sandy has been blowing his own trumpet again in today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder. His new theme appears to be 'Margate has turned the corner'. Let's hope it's the same, 180 degree corner that most day trippers turn when they discover Dreamland and just about everything else is closed.

TV Or Not TV?

I've received an email from those nice people at Kent on Sunday asking me if I'd like to upload my ECR TV films onto their new TV on demand site. Here's what they say:

I am contacting you from KOS Media, the company which publishes the newspapers Kent on Sunday and Saturday Observer, and the website www.kentnews.co.uk. We are currently expanding our services to the people of Kent, with a new series of local newspapers and websites.

We are also launching a unique online TV on demand service featuring video material created by both our reporting staff and members of the community who wish to upload material. We are confident in attracting a large Kent-based audience to our new sites, and we are keen to share the material you have posted on YouTube with our viewers.

We are writing to ask your permission to upload your Thanet films onto our site, and to share it with the hundreds of thousands of people who are regular readers of our publications.

It's left me wondering why Kent County Council should line Saint Bob's already bloated pockets with our taxes to produce KCC TV, when a commercial organisation like KOS Media can provide a community 'television' service for Kent that's effectively free. Answers on a video postcard please.

Dreamland Dream Comes True!

Reader Marky-Warky, aka Thanet's Greatest Living Rocker, Mark Hewins, will be chuffed to see that his plans for Margate seafront have been taken up, in part at least, by no less a figure than our glorious council leader Sandy Beach!

Mark's proposal included the pedestrianisation of Margate front. Now Thanet Adscene is reporting our Sandy as saying the front will be restyled to give priority to pedestrians. The Save Dreamlanders will be cock-a-hoop too, as Sandy also endorses their plan to put knackered old rides on the site, along with a stipulation that at least 51% of the area be devoted to a funfair.

Now I know in the past I've stood on rather less than firm ground when it comes to Dreamland. As would, apparently, any housing development that might be bunged up there, due to the soggy nature of the terrain. And we know from past experience that any front page lead in the Sadscene, especially one that features a pronouncement from Mr Beach, should be treated with more than a soupcon of salt. But really, where's the vision? Where's the state of the art, digital coasterdrome Margate deserves? Honestly!

Pile-Up On Victoria Parade

Another scoop for ECR! Regular reader Samantha has just emailed me these photos. She writes:

The East Cliff in Ramsgate came to a stand still this morning following a collision between two cars at the junction of Victoria Parade and Victoria Road. I had my small digital camera on me and took these photographs. An officious little man in an NHS hi-vis came up to me and told me it was 'illegal' to take photos, quoting 'patient confidentiality'. I told him I was perfectly within my rights as I was standing on the public footpath, at which point he got onto his mobile saying 'I'm going to have to call my controller'.

Sounds like utter tosh to me, Samantha. So, here are the pictures they tried to ban!



On a serious note, you have to wonder whether our local caff-crushing, car-crushing councillor Dave Green's new safety bollards are working along this stretch of road. Cars still have to edge out of the side roads onto Victoria Parade before they can see what's coming. I'd hesitate to suggest traffic lights at this junction, though, as that would just turn all the side streets into rat runs.

Golden Browne

The East Cliff's grimy back streets are remarkably clear of barkers' nests at the moment, and the crushed Carlsberg and Strongbow cans are easily circumnavigated, so I thought I'd vary my route for today's afternoon stroll. Blow me down if I didn't come across this:

A wall plaque commemorating John Collis Browne, inventor of one of the Victorian era's most famous patent medicines. It seems Mr Pfizer wasn't the only pharmaceuticalist to take a shine to this part of Kent! Upon closer inspection the plaque reveals that it commemorates the death of Collis Browne in the very house it's attached to at the, er, ripe old age of 65. So perhaps the stuff wasn't exactly the elixir of life.

Upon arriving back at my cliff top mansion, I took the liberty of looking the chap up on Wikipedia. Apparently his 'Chlorodyne' mixture sold in bucketloads. Not surprising, really, as it was mainly composed of opium, chloroform and cannabis.

I'm sure he'd be pleased to know that you can still buy at least two of those ingredients within yards of his plaque, albeit no longer from a chemist!

The Lunch Bunch

More good news on the work front. A well-known publisher has offered a substantial advance for my autobiography. Hurrah! Next stop, Richard and Judy!

Consequently I've been rifling through the old Eastcliff diaries and they make fascinating reading. Here are some scintillating examples:

5 July 94 - Lunch with xxxxx xxxxxxxx in Covent Garden. Offered free tickets to the British Grand Prix, but had to decline due to imminent departure for the villa in the south of France.
6 July 94 - Lunch in Chelsea with BBC exec to discuss my upcoming series.
11 Aug 94 - Chat with Chief Presidential Advisor on Whitehouse lawn. Followed by lunch.
19 Aug 94 - ITV interview with xxxxx xxxxxxxx cancelled due to the latter being a bit, er, worse for wear. Dinner in Covent Garden.
25 Aug 94 - Sally Line ferry on fire out of Ramsgate. Lunch with xxxxxx xxxxx in Islington.

Gripping stuff I'm sure you'll agree. I've disguised the names to protect the guilty, and, more to the point, make you pay for the book when it comes out!

Chocolate Fountain

Good heavens! What on earth has happened to the trendy East Cliff's Festival of Britain Fountain? Here it is in November last year:

And here it is this morning:

I know the KFC gulls have a penchant for irrigating their colons in the fountains foamy spumes (who wouldn't after a chomp on the Colonel's finest?), but this is meant to be a historic, decorative feature not a flaming bird bath! All that gull poop's turning it green!

The Voice Of Doom

Bev, my agent, called to say I've been booked for a gig! Apparently one of those disaster committees need to update their emergency messages, you know, 'Remain calm', 'Everything is under control', 'Please drown quietly', that sort of thing, and they picked the old Eastcliff larynx for its 'reassuring quality'!

Not my usual cup of Earl Grey, I admit. I'd like to sneak in a few bon mots, I'm sure I'll be able to persuade them that a spot of humour in adversity is the British way!

Noah End To The Rain?

Well it hasn't stopped tipping it down here in the Millionaires' Playground all afternoon. Still, we must be grateful that we're nowhere near as badly off as those poor blighters in the Midlands.

Sitting here in the comfort of my cliff top mansion, well above sea level, I began to wonder what would happen should the Wantsum flood. Would Kent County Council build us a bridge? Or would they be content to leave us to our own devices and float off into the North Sea?

Hmmm. On that note, I'm off to start constructing an ark!

Acceptance Speech

Well I see Dr M has now graciously (as ever) received his Hypocrite of the Year Award. Here's his acceptance speech:

As readers will know, I'm a reluctant censor and I would rather leave it to others to moderate their comments, as unlike other bloggers, I don't have the luxury of sitting in front of my PC all day. I work for a living, I have a family, I have a life and I can be hundred of miles away when comments appear.

I'm not a "publisher." This is not a newspaper its an "open forum" and you will see a waiver to that effect on the sidebar.

I don't need to hide behind a malevolent under-achieving fictional character with too much time on his hands and I don't need to constantly invent stories about anyone.

As for thanking ECR, he should be thanking me! Without his relentless fictional content about me, much of his blog simply wouldn't exist
How sad!

Well, Simes, that's, er, smashing, although I'd just like to pick you up on one or two of those points:

I'm a reluctant censor Um, short memory there, Doc, maybe you should have the old bonce looked over. Wasn't it you who emailed me last year attempting to get a comment about you removed from my blog? And we've all lost count of the number of times you've turned comments off. Although I admit you seemed quite cheerful when one of your supporters labelled me a paedophile recently.

I'm not a "publisher." This is not a newspaper its an "open forum" and you will see a waiver to that effect on the sidebar. Although you're happy to threaten people who attack you and your cronies with the old 'I've got your IP address and the cops will be round toute de suite because this is libel in exactly the same way as the printed word' ploy. And excuse me, but didn't you style yourself, until recently, 'Thanet's Alternative Newspaper'?

I work for a living, I have a family, I have a life and I can be hundred of miles away when comments appear. Er, but you're only too happy to let us know you're on the blog from your first class BA seat to Dubai.

I don't need to hide behind a malevolent under-achieving fictional character with too much time on his hands and I don't need to constantly invent stories about anyone. I think you'll find I'm only malevolent towards barefaced hypocrites, Doc. And yes, I've got all the time in the world for that.

As for thanking ECR, he should be thanking me! Without his relentless fictional content about me, much of his blog simply wouldn't exist. How sad! Relentless fictional content? How on earth can a couple of passages reproduced word for word from your blog be fictional? Oh, well, er, there again!

As for the Doc frequently featuring on these pages, I'll admit that he does seem to crop up more than most, although I'd hardly call it 'relentless'. But then, he's chosen to be a high profile Tory politician, what are we meant to do, all bend down and chant 'we are not worthy'? Come on, Doc, if you can't stand the heat, why are you in the kitchen?

And by the way, you still haven't adequately explained why you shouldn't be reported to the Standards Board for publishing comments about 'Gippos'.

Manston In A Spin

I see this week's Isle of Thanet Gazunder carries a full page puff for RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport in the form of an interview with the airport manager, 28 year old Matt Clarke. Mr Clarke's clearly rattled by my petition to No. 10 Downing Street to improve the regulation of the airport, as his first para reads:

My role covers a wide variety of aspects including responsibility for the airport and staff safety. This involves compliance with all aviation rules, council regulations and noise abatement laws.

Yeah, right. Elsewhere the paper reports that in June this year there were 100 heavy training circuits over the course of five days. Anyway, I'm sure that supporters (Tony) of the non-stop, oozalum style training flights will chime in here with the usual pro-noise and pro-air pollution arguments.

And speaking of puffs, I've just nipped back from Pride over in Margate, before, er, nipping back again. A word of warning though. The closure of Marine Drive appears to have had quite a knock-on effect on the Ile's roads, which are more bunged up than Melvyn Bragg with a bad head cold, especially around Westworld Chaos. I think I'm going to have to jump in my millionaire chum's Sunseeker for the trip back!

Hypocrite Of The Year Award

On whose blog would you find a statement from its publisher like this:

I think, OVIT, you are confused with one person being banned from this website for attempting to export the personally offensive material and language so frequently found on his own...

Whilst allowing a comment on the very same post like this:

As he was awaiting his fry up ... an untaxed wreck of a Tranny pickup pulled up and some Gippos came in to collect old catering range etc ... to take as scrap metal. My mate watched the Dept of Environment inspectors slink off out the way until the gippos had driven off in their untaxed (probably uninsured unroadworthy) truck. And YES ... the gippos were smoking !!!!!

I'll give you a clue. He's a councillor. And, er, he's not Labour.

Child's Play

Yet more news from the north side. My spies have spotted a group of school children conducting interviews in Margate under the auspices of the Margate Town Partnership. Apparently they've been tasked with writing essays about the future of the town, which will no doubt resurface at some point as detailed (and presumably free) 'research'.

Interestingly they've been warned of a couple of 'no go' areas. No mention of retail being converted into residential, and no mention of other boroughs shipping their unfortunates to the seaside.

Speaking of retail being converted to residential, whatever happened to the questions that were going to be asked about public money being used to tart up the Outfitters Gallery, which went on the market recently for £415,000? I see on the Lovetts website that the price has now dropped to £399,950. Perhaps the owners have decided to offer a 'controversy discount'?

Hidden Treasures

Have you ever wondered what it's like inside the Cliftonville Lido these days, or that rundown restaurant on Ramsgate's seafront car parkarama? This website will reveal all!

Update: Along with a salutary lesson in the parlous state our local council has allowed the West Cliff Hall to fall into.

Curry Inn Favour

This is something of an admission, but I appear to have enjoyed a number of visits to Margate recently! My latest foray was to the Indian Princess, a new Asian restaurant where the George used to be. You know, next to that barn that burnt down about a year ago.

Now this joint is not your average curry house. Forget piling in after the pub to sit down to a bowl of bright red something or other slopped over a couple of cubes of warmed up chicken, sloshed down with several pints of lager. No, this is definitely authentic Indian cuisine. Fresh local meat and fish, Welsh lamb, subtle flavours, amuse bouches, even a crunchy mango sorbet between courses to 'cleanse the palate'. The cheeky young maitre d' will expertly explain what's on offer, and the smartly dressed chef will more than likely bring your meal straight from his hotplate to your table. Yum!

When I was there, the place was packed with the cream of Margatonian society (the bloke who runs the fish stall on the pier). It's definitely not cheap, but if you tell them Richard sent you, you might get a little Brucie Bonus!

Late Night Line Up

Whilst making an emergency gin run to the local Murco/Costcutter just now, I observed the following interchanges take place through the late night, plate glass security grille:

First (tracksuited) customer: Can o' Stellaaar 'n er packet o' blue Rizlaaars.
Costcutter dude: £1.30
Second (suited) customer: Do you have any crumpets?
Costcutter dude: Uh?
Second (suited) customer: Round, bread type things. You eat them with butter.
Costcutter dude: Uh?
Second (suited) customer: No, no, you probably don't stock those. Do you have any croissants?
Costcutter dude: Uh?
Second (suited) customer: Croissants?
Costcutter dude: Uh?
Second (suited) customer: A bit like cakes? You have them at breakfast.

With all us millionaires piling into the area, surely it's about time they opened a 24 hour Fortnums Express round here?

Pesky Jetski

Staying with matters nautical, relaxing on the verandah of my cliff top mansion sipping the afternoon G&T just now, I heard a series of frantic toots coming from one of those TransEuropa tubs. He really was giving the thing some welly, and on closer inspection with the old 20x100BMs, it appeared that one of those jetski wallahs was impeding his progress into port.

Now I'm not the type to complain about rich-and-famous style activities such as charging around the ocean on your own personal aquabike, but really. If it came to the crunch between a 4000 ton ferry and a waterborne hairdryer, my money's on the ferry!

Local Customs

All the nice girls love a sailor. Or in this case an HM Customs and Revenue officer, but that's a bit prosaic. This is HMCC Valiant, and we'll be getting used to the cut of her jib here in the Millionaires' Playground, as she seems to now have a permanent berth in the Royal Harbour. Here's what they say about her on one of those websites for nautical anoraks:

Special care has been taken to provide a high standard of living accommodation for the crew during operations. Low noise levels and a relaxation area for those off-watch reduces crew fatigue. The large, well-equipped galley is designed to enable the crew to prepare meals and drinks in all sea conditions.

Cruisey! Assuming she can actually get out of the harbour at low tide, that is, seeing as half the entrance now appears to have sprouted a new beach.

As I rather nosily peeked through the windows, I caught one of those bell-bottomed types peering back at me through an enormous pair of binocs. Maybe I should speak to my accountant about getting those tax returns up to date!

All The Fun Of The Fair

According to my gold plated atomic clock (a gift from a grateful North Korean cove after I put on a private gig for him back in the 90s), today is the 18th of July. So what? I hear you cry. Well, I'll tell you what. Our local council promised the summer funfair on the Pleasurama eyesore would be in place two days ago, that's what. But so far, nada.

Still, all is not lost, as Oakleigh Developments, who rebuilt a bit of the Granville a few years back, have bravely stepped in to fill the boredom gap. With the school holidays in mind they've been beavering away since February, when their site fence blew down, building an adventure playground that will keep even the most mindless teenager entertained and amused during the summer break. Admittedly they've yet to get their health and safety certificate, but I'm reliably informed that'll be a breeze. Take a look:

Free entry (round the back)

Lots to explore and set fire to

Cracking facilities

What A Load Of Cods!

Trawling through the latest edition of Fish Update just now (way too much time on my hands), I noticed that one of our local Barnacle Bills has been fined for having too small holes in his cod net.

Sea fisheries officers from the RN Fishery Protection vessel HMS Tyne boarded the Sarah Louisa, owned by one David Turner, 45, of Herne Bay, in January six miles east of his Ramsgate base, and discovered that his mesh was smaller than the minimum 140mm. He's subsequently been fined £3,400.

Now as you know, I rarely venture into the world of politics unless it's to mock the afflicted. But it strikes me that if successive governments hadn't flogged our fish stocks off to the Spanish and Russkies, courtesy of the EU, this poor sod wouldn't have found himself in these sorry circumstances, yet alone have to worry about a few millimetres here or there in his mesh ('twould still have been inches, surely?). And we wouldn't be having to nosh saithe, either. Whatever the hell that is.

Bring back the Cod War, that's what I say!

Full story.

Fence Post

Here's an idea for what to do with the 'temporary' fencing that's, um, graced our crumbling East Cliff for the last 815 days.

It's courtesy of that place with fewer listed buildings than Ramsgate - Bath. Their local arts group, BANA, is running an open art fair (I think I've spelt that right).

Artwork for the requirements of this Art Fair will be deemed to be any original work of Art which has used the medium of coloured Pigment in a 2D fashion to create a work of Art suitable for hanging on a system of Heras Fencing which constitutes the Arts Display area. Costs of Artwork will range from £100 to £10,000. No reproductions or limited edition prints.

At those sort of prices, we could hold a sale and pay for the cliff to be repaired ourselves. And have enough left over to book Elton for the grand opening!

Bath Open Art Fair

Park Strife

Call me a boring old sausage ect. Yes, I've banged on before about illegal parking here on Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff. Double yellows not enforced, restrictions ignored, blah, blah, blah.

But you could have knocked me down with the proverbial after two years of never witnessing a parking attendant anywhere on the Ile, yet alone the East Cliff, when I clocked two traffic wardens adorning our local white van men's finest with the old 40 quid price stickers this evening. Maybe our local car crushing, caff crushing, graffiti removing Councillor Dave Green, who's also been banging on about illegal parking on his blog recently, has swung into action again?

Face Off

I've not been feeling myself recently, and it's nothing to do with any kind of improvement in my love life. So this afternoon it was off to the luxury, five star private hospital to have the jolly old sawbones look at what he persisted in referring to as 'a nasty patch' on the Eastcliff physog. Something to do with the ozone layer packing up in 1983, and a surfeit of Caribbean cruises.

Well, they don't hang around in these private places. None of this: 'Liver packed up, has it? We might be able to squeeze you in next March.' Nope, it was straight off to theatre for the op.

Now I know Bev, my agent, has been on at me to have a bit of work done to improve my chances with the showbiz Suits, but I'm not sure this was quite what she had in mind. Unless she's put me up for Phantom of the Opera or the remake of Scarface, that is. Oh well, for those of you obsessed with discovering my real identity, it shouldn't be too hard to spot a bloke wandering around Ramsgate with a blinking great gash down his right cheek. Although, come to think of it...

Ted Not Dead

Reports (er, by me) of the demise of one of the Ile's most redoubtable bloggers have proven premature. Dane Valley Ted is alive and well. He'd simply moved. Sorry Ted.

If you'd like me to come round and treat you to one of my comedy monologues ('Brilliantly observed!' - Plastics Distributor and Fabricator Industry Magazine) by way of recompense, I'd be more than happy to oblige.

Al-Jazzeerful

I suppose that could be one way of describing the scene over in Margate's Old Town Piazza (The Parade in old money), what with a 37 week, freeform jazz festival currently grinding on there. But in fact it's my colourful way of informing you that I've been approached by a well-known, Middle East based, global TV channel to make a short, personal film for them.

I can't give too much away, it's all a bit hush-hush. And, of course, I wouldn't want to sound like Mr Boasty-Pants over in Westgate. But you could say that my flagging showbiz career is about to 'take off'! Geddit?!?!?? No, I don't either.

Painting The Town White

As we all know, Ramsgate is on the up and up. Not only is the trendy East Cliff's Granville Cine-theatre-ma getting a long overdue lick of paint, but this, erm, hut opposite our imposing railway station is also receiving the millionaire treatment.

One of our local bear hench bigwigs told me over a beverage the other evening that those nice people at Pierremont Cars have bought the place and are planning to run a swish car hire centre from it. Bentleys and Mercs only, one presumes. And so handily positioned for all those City types alighting from the futuristic fast train service!

Actually, I think it's a charming piece of art deco architecture which has been neglected for too long. Did you know it used to be the Ramsgate tourist information bureau? Yes, you probably did. And I think I know a bibliophile who might have a photo of it from its heyday. Michael, a link please!

Down And Out In Margate

Today's Sunday Times carries a follow-up to this week's report by the Blue Rinsers that society is broken, and would be a much better place if everyone was married. As a case study they've chosen Margate ('boarded up', 'crumbling', 'run down', 'depressing'), and interview one poor unfortunate who states, rather phlegmatically:

During the day there’s not much to do. I just stand around on the sea-front smoking fags and spitting.

Hmmm. But hang on, didn't I see Tory councillor Roger Latchford on the telly earlier in the week telling everyone that there was lots to do in Margate and it was 'spiffing'? Must have misheard him.

Full story.

A Crafty Rank

Not a reference to my old showbiz pal Wossie's impertinent inquiry into David Cameron's teenage fantasies. No. What I mean is that avid observers of this drivel may have noticed that I have promoted a couple of local bloggers to my 'Millionaires' Row'.

Zumi has proven to be a person of discriminating tastes, much in my own mould, and a real asset to the Millionaires' Playground. And Captain Dog seems like a thoroughly decent cove, not averse to the odd tipple, who's about to become a dad for the first time. Good luck with the nipper, Captain!

No slur intended on the other 'Exciting New Talent' still awaiting promotion. It's more a question of it being handier for me to find the blogs I visit most if they're higher up the sidebar. Nobody could ever accuse me of not being selfish!

Thanet Island Discs

I say! Our Greatest Living Thanetian is on Radio 4 this morning! No, I'm not talking about that pretender over in Westgate, but rather Oliver Postgate, creator of Noggin The Nog, Bagpuss and The Clangers, all filmed in a converted cow shed somewhere near Canterbury. The octogenerian animator, who lives in Broadstairs, is putting in a rare appearance this morning on Desert Island Discs at 11.15.

Sassen Rassen

Boredstares has come second in some seaside award. It's in the Guardian. No mention of Ramsgate. Grrrr!

St Ives: better than Broadstairs

Hello Clampers

Regular reader Wee Willy Watcher has sent me this photograph, along with the following text:

I spotted the Operation Cubit car crushers out today taking this away. It almost perfectly matches the description of the car used by the Phantom Urinator of Olde Ramsgate Town who I've emailed you about before. Almost because teh make and model is the same but its not a Latvian plate. I may have made a mistake about that in the dark so I apologise to our Eastern European guests (the guy was speaking some kind of Eastern European lingo though).

Ah, justice. It's a wonderful thing! Although crushing someone's car for having a tinkle in the street might well be construed as taking the p*ss!

A Bit Of Politics

I have to say that the sight of Alastair Campbell attempting to act as he read out his dreary diaries on BBC2 earlier was enough to put me off my supper. I only met him once, fortunately. Verdict? The politest expression I can think of is 'charmless git'.

But it's reminded me of the political shenanigans much closer to home. I'm talking about the Ramsgate Firsters, who successfully campaigned for a teeny-tiny council last year. They even got themselves a chap, Mike Taylor, elected to Thanet Council in May's local polls.

Since then, though, things appear to have gone pear shaped. Mike Taylor flounced off, all Macca-like, from Ramsgate First a few weeks ago citing differences with Ramsgate First First Minister Gerry O'Donnell. He says he's in talks with a national party, but has yet to reveal which particular ship he's jumping to. Will it be UKIP? Nope, been there, done that, got the T shirt. The Blue Rinsers maybe? Perhaps he likes the look of that toffee-nosed twonk on a push bike? Nope, been there, done that, etc. Surely he's not going to cling to the hoary old bosom of Ming The Charisma-less? Nah. Must be talking to Labour, then.

Interestingly Gerry O'Ramsgate has yet to tell his side of the story. Gerry? Are you out there? Fancy spilling the beans? My comments page is always open!

The Big Stink

Phwoo! Has anyone been down by the port recently? I tell you, there's a stink down there that's going to outlast religion.

Apparently the main sewer out of the Millionaires' Playground has been bunged up for weeks now, and Southern Water are having to ship all the, erm, waste matter out in road tankers every few hours while they carry out repairs.

Nonetheless, when I was down there last night there seemed to be plenty of holidaymakers partying on their boats in the marina. You could say they seemed undeterred.

Quad Squad

A change to the usual kind of vehicle you see in Augusta Road. No, it's not a couple of turbocharged grannies, it's the council's anti-weed patrol. Although given the recent debate on this blog about public urination in Augusta Road, an anti-wee patrol would probably be more appropriate.

Windy City

Remember this headline from a few weeks back? Just before the local elections, our glorious leader Sandy Beach was photographed handing over the keys of our dilapidated West Cliff Hall to the Global Generation Church, who were going to renovate the building and install a juice bar, cream teas, rock school and pie factory.

Not much has happened since then, apart from the story being pretty much nixed by our council's chief executive. So what to do with the place?

Well, I've had a brainwave (I get them constantly but this is a good 'un). With the Millionaires' Playground soon to be the centre of construction for the massive wind farm that's going to blight sea views for the Arsonists and Dickensians, why not convert the hall into a visitor centre? We could even get the old West Cliff lift running again, so people could nip down and have a shufti around the port.

There's plenty of interest in fart farms, what with the climate being turned up to 11, and companies like E.ON getting in on the act with that TV ad. Who knows, Ramsgate could become a huge, ecological tourist attraction, just like that greenhouse in Cornwall. So, anyone for Ramsgate - The Windy City? Of course, with the emphasis on wind, this would have to be one of the prime exhibits:

Fairground Extraction

Well, all the fun of the fair has faded as quickly as it arrived. The Pleasurama eyesore has reverted to doing what it does best - being an eyesore. Only now it's not even a green eyesore, more like a great, white scab.

I guess there weren't enough millionaires even here in the Millionaires' Playground to keep the carny guys on for the summer.

Update: I've turned that blasted comment moderation off, as you all seem to be keen to have a nice debate now. I know Dr Whatsit said I've got too much time on my hands, but checking my email for comments every two minutes really is eating into my precious thumb-twiddling.

Found In MySpace

Our Greatest Living Thanetian is getting all stressed out, I see, over a Guardian report that there's only one member of MySpace, the popular networking site, in Thanet.

So I took the liberty of doing a bit of research, and, well, I think I may have got to the root of the problem.

Thanet's only MySpace member.