Shaving Mr Hanks

Photo: Disney

Ahoy Fannit fans! I've just got back from giving my old Twankey a burnishing in Bournemouth, in preparation for a four week run of Aladdin starting next Saturday! (Tickets available at all good websites.)

I must say, the back of that camel's giving me a bit of gyp, but such is the burden that we slebs have to bear.

And speaking of slebs, none other than my old showbiz chum Tom Hanks popped over to the clifftop mansion the other day for a spot of reminiscing about his early life on the septic isle. As regular readers of this rubbish will remember, Tom was born in Thanet while his father was serving with the USAF at Manston, and spent his formative months in Cliftonville. I must say, he didn't seem very impressed with the area, but he did appreciate the Turkish barbers in Ramsgate who relieved him of his Movember mo ahead of the gala premiere of his latest flick in Leicester Square!

And speaking of shaves, while I've been away the comments on this blog seem to have become rather unkempt, a bit like a 70s porn star's dangly bits. Dear-oh-dear-oh-dear-oh-dear-oh-dear-oh-dear-oh (Get on with it - Ed.) Quite who gives a flying twankey about the comings and goings at RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport, gawd knows.

And speaking of polls, I've just had one of my biggest ever! Yes, almost 200 of you voted on whether Thanet Council is fit for purpose, here's the full SP...

Question: Is Thanet Council fit for purpose?

Yes: 6% (13 votes)

No: 93% (182 votes)

An overwhelming vote there, confirming, er, what we already knew anyway.

So there you have it! Moustache now, and get on with carefully rehearsing my ad libs! Toodle-pip!

'Aving A Larf

Up here in the Smoke (London) there are plenty of places where you can go and have a jolly old chortle. But a chum of mine is trying to write a piece about stand-up and open mic comedy on the Ile de Thanet. Can anyone point him in the right direction?

I've told him about the regular, trouser-wetting guffaws to be had in the council chamber, but he didn't seem that impressed!

And talking of larfs, here's a trailer for next week's Mary Queen of The High Street show on Margate....

Mary Queen Of The High Street trailer on YouTube

Golfing News

Lilliputian laughtermaker Ronnie Corbett will be opening the new clubhouse at Stonelees Golf Centre on Sunday. Here he tells the Isle of Thanet Gazunder about his Margate memories...

Thank you, thank you. Now when the Editor asked me to, you know, write something for this, for this newspaper, I remember it well, because we were having a drink at the time. And that's a very unusual thing. You know, for him to buy me, or indeed anyone, a drink. So I remember it quite vividly. 'Ron,' he said, 'Ron,' he always calls me Ron. Well, no, it's an interesting theory of his. He reckons that 'Ronnie' is too big a name for such a small person. No, he does. The fact that he's only 4 foot 2 and likes to be known by his friends as Aloysius doesn't seem to strike him as at all, you know, hypocritical. Anyway, anyway, to get back to the story. 'Ron,' he said, 'Ron, I'm editing this newspaper, and, you know, I'd like to give the little guys a chance to contribute. You're quite little, and you're opening this clubhouse, I think you'd be the ideal person to write our golfing column.' He's a bit of a charmer, you see, and, no, no actually, actually I was quite touched. And I had had several G and Ts at the time. So, no, no, to get back to the story, this man walks into a shop...

[That's enough golfing news - Ed]

Corporate B*ll*cks

Bev, my agent, has booked me in for one of those corporate jobs. I'm not normally one to prostitute my art, but the gas bill has just arrived.

On the one or two previous occasions I've presented corporate videos, I've always been struck by the appalling taste in art these large organisations possess. One company had an enormous statue of a naked Greek god proudly standing in front of its revolving doors, greeting all and sundry with the unavoidable sight of its rather over-exaggerated but nonetheless muscular buttocks. But the prize for the best example of arse gratia artis must go to a well-known utility company based in the Home Counties.

When this particular company moved into its shiny new glass palace, the then CEO decided that what it really needed to finish the whole thing off was a statue of a prancing stallion on the roundabout which stood between the east and the west wings. He owned several Ferraris, I seem to recall. However, the artist must have latched on to the testosterone fuelled nature of this commission, and endowed the statue with the heftiest set of equine testicles ever to grace a company forecourt. After a few weeks, and a myriad of complaints, the crestfallen artist was recalled and made to remove the offending spheres with an angle grinder.

The Deputy CEO told me that story, whilst we were waiting for the cameras to be set up. He was a much more amiable cove than the top man, and had therefore been chosen to be the face of the company. His office was on the opposite side of the building to the CEO's. 'He gets to look at the horse's head, and I get to stare at the arse all day,' I remember him saying. 'Shows which way my career's going.' Sure enough, he was history within a year.

All The Fun Of The Fair

According to my gold plated atomic clock (a gift from a grateful North Korean cove after I put on a private gig for him back in the 90s), today is the 18th of July. So what? I hear you cry. Well, I'll tell you what. Our local council promised the summer funfair on the Pleasurama eyesore would be in place two days ago, that's what. But so far, nada.

Still, all is not lost, as Oakleigh Developments, who rebuilt a bit of the Granville a few years back, have bravely stepped in to fill the boredom gap. With the school holidays in mind they've been beavering away since February, when their site fence blew down, building an adventure playground that will keep even the most mindless teenager entertained and amused during the summer break. Admittedly they've yet to get their health and safety certificate, but I'm reliably informed that'll be a breeze. Take a look:

Free entry (round the back)

Lots to explore and set fire to

Cracking facilities

Licence Fee To Print Money

What extraordinary news from my old chums at the BBC today! No, no, not about Alan Johnston being released, although good luck to the poor devil. No, I mean about the DG, Mark Thompson, milking more than three-quarters of a million sovs from the licence fee payers last year. And in the same annual report, he's saying that the Corporation requires slimming down, and more producer types need to feel the weight of his size 12s up their hairy jacksies.

Good on yer Mark! By the way, you couldn't pop a few extra bob in the meter down at our local transmitter, could you? This Freeview mullarkey only seems to work round here when the wind's in the right direction.