A Vision For The Pavilion

The lovely Emma Irvine (she of the Albion House Hotel) has given me first dibs on a short film she's just made about her non-Wetherspoons vision for the Royal Victoria Pavilion, here in the Ms' P.

It includes interviews with Ramsgate's very own Gaddfather of Ale, plus the owners of Miles Bar, Wyatt & Jones in Broadstairs, Margate Smokehouse, and others who are keen to invest in what could be a centre of excellence for food and drink in Thanet, attracting visitors from East Kent and beyond. All part of the plan to transform our septic isle from the last resort into a destination resort.

Do take a look, then email Chief Duffer Clive Hart or some such and tell them what you want. They're making their minds up, in a Bucks Fizz kind of way, right now. In fact, word has it that Coiffeured Clive is currently in the process of ripping his skirt off, so get in quick!

Personally I think Emma may be onto something. After all, who ever said 'I know, let's go to such-and-such a place, it's got a ginormous Wetherspoons'?!?!!

Meanwhile, er, I'd like to welcome Emma Irvine and her My Seaside Luxury apartments firm as the latest sponsors of these jottings. No conflict of interest for me there, then.

Broadstairs Woman Finds Whelk

A Broadstairs woman has spoken of her shock and surprise at finding a whelk.

Builder's wife Jody Dobson, 29, described the moment she was walking along the beach at Dumpton Gap and discovered what she thought was a Belgian chocolate. 'My mum buys me these Belgian chocolates for Christmas and I just thought it was one of them. But when I picked it up it was all hard like, and seemed more like a snail.'

Jody took the whelk home to show to her children - Chantelle, 5, and Reece, 7. She added: 'I never knew there was a beach at Dumpton Gap before, let alone these things on it. When my husband Craig came home he told me it was a whelk and not to be so daft. I felt like a right moron!'

Whelks are common along the Thanet coast, according to marine biologist Professor Paul Murray. 'They are distantly related to snails but actually belong to the Buccinidae family,' said Prof Murray. 'Whilst many are edible, they certainly do not taste like chocolate.'

Sadly the story has an unhappy ending, as Jody explains: 'Once I knew what it was, I kept it in a bucket of tap water, but it went all still and died not long after.'

Enormous Groyne Spotted On Ramsgate Beach

Well, I was wearing some pretty revealing shorts down there earlier!

No, seriously, I've never noticed this structure stretching out from the centre of our lovely Ramsgate Sands before. Anyone know what it is? (Apols for the grimy pic - click it to big it). I suppose it could just be seaweed from Margate harbour, dumped by The Duffers, who seem hellbent on superduperising the grimy north of the island at the expense of the splendid south.

By the way, it's nice to see the new lights illuminating the excellent Royal Harbour Brasserie at the end of the pier. Oh, and I didn't get the Louis Walsh job, if anyone was interested.

Bandstand Superduperised!

Hurrah! At last someone has made a clean sweep of our super-duper bandstand here on the swanky East Cliff! Thanks to reader Samantha for the pic.

I must say, it's been looking in need of a back, sack and crack for some time. Ever since it was tarted up in 2006 (click here to read my story) it's been sorely neglected by Thanet Duffer Council. Like so many of their projects, it appears to be a case of neglect it for forty years, spend a bit of dosh on it, then neglect it for another forty years. Hey-ho.

In fact it wasn't even The Duffers doing the clean-up, apparently, but some organisation called Better Beaches, the same people who were clearing up after the awful mess that was made of Margate beach over the weekend.

Hang on. It's a bandstand, not a beach! So how does that work, then?

Isle Gets Good Beach Gongs

You're better off in Ramsgate if you want to avoid E. Coli this bank holiday weekend! As well as recommending the Millionaires' Playground for its water quality, the new Marine Conservation Society Good Beach Guide describes Ramsgate Main Sands as:

A popular sandy bay backed by high chalk cliffs and near a picturesque harbour. Children's amusements nearby make this an excellent family beach. The beach receives regular awards, and has been named as one of the 10 top beaches in the UK.

Even Margate manages to make it to the merde-free section this year, albeit with a slight skid mark on its gusset with a mention of 'tertiary discharge'. Eugh! No such luck for Viking Bay in Broadstairs though, which fails to get a recommendation, a sentiment with which the many people who have returned from a swim there only to find themselves fetching up with a touch of the old bubonic plague will no doubt concur.

What with Ramsgate's new Blue Flag and praise from the MPS, you'd better get down to the Cannes of Kent and grab your champagne cocktails before they're all gone!

Good Beach Guide 2010
Borries bring down the tone of Britain's beaches
Ramsgate gets the Blue Flag
Margate and Bottomy Bay in Times Top 40 Beach list

Ripper! It's Ramsgate!

Bloody hell! It's Broadstairs!

Turner Staffing Costs Up 80%

Oops! Wrong Turner there. Er, where was I? Oh yes. Kent County Council have approved a plan to increase annual staffing costs at Margate's Turner Contemporary by a whopping 80%! The proposal, drawn up by TC director Victoria Pomery, got the rubber stamp a few weeks ago, although it doesn't appear to have been widely reported.

Of course, the increase (from £427,000 a year to £759,000) takes into account the fact that more staff will be needed once the thing opens next year. In fact Vicky has drawn up an entire new staffing structure which, whilst it 'isn't budget driven, must be affordable'. Well that's nice to know, seeing as it's our money they're spending. The new structure means that everyone who currently works there, including La Pomery, will have their jobs put up for grabs. What's the betting that Thanet's great unwashed don't get a look-in?

Meanwhile the TC types have just started offering founder memberships 'with special access to exhibitions and events' at a cool £5K a pop. Needless to say, Her Eminence has membership card 001. Although the Turner website doesn't specify whether she actually coughed up the 5,000 smackers for it!

And meanwhile meanwhile, the Margate Renewal Partnership has been spamming the local medja today urging everyone to vote for Margate in that great, er, American company Cadbury's Great British Beach competition. So in tune are Kraftbury's with the British seaside that they've spelled 'Bournemouth' 'Bournmouth'.

Anyhow, if you feel like it do pop over to the Bourneville Blighters' website (complete with banner tugging teeny-tiny plane) and cast your vote and/or aspersions!

Update: Clearly MRP's tactic of stuffing the ballot box is working. I've just been over there to vote (for 'Bournmouth' as Ramsgate wasn't on the list) and out of 1,315 votes so far cast, Margate is miles ahead with a whopping 28%. Tresco in the Scilly Isles is trailing in second with 13%. Did I hear anyone shout 'Fix!'?

Update update: Margate came fourth in the end, behind Rhossili Bay, Tresco and Blackpool. Click here for more.

Click here to download new Turner staffing costs on KCC website
Click here to become a founder member on TC website

Now Island's Beaches Turn Blue

Hurrah! Ramsgate Main Sands has once again hoisted a Blue Flag in this year's prestigious and eponymous awards!

Margate Main Sands, Stone Bay and Westbrook Bay have regained their blue dusters after losing them last year, although Walpole Bay has lost out. This is almost certainly due to the number of superannuated, incontinent crones and pit bulls on string weeing in the water in those parts. Other winners are Bottomy Bay, Joss Bay, St Mildred's Bay, West Bay and Minnis Bay.

Viking Bay in Boredstares, which has only ever managed one Blue Flag (in 2006), has failed to make the grade yet again, as the frothy yuk there is about as wholesome as the liquid that must have seeped into Nick Clegg's undies when Dave told him he was going to be Deputy Prime Minister yesterday.

So here on the sophisticated south side, we have the south east's only south facing sandy beach, the finest restaurants and bars outside of London, and a marina that makes Cannes look shabby. What with that and the Blue Flag, I fully expect the cash registers to be tinkling with tourist tenners for the next four months. Which, er, is what I say every year!

Click here to download full list from Keep Britain Tidy

Ramsgate Flies The Flag (Again)

Hurrah! Ramsgate Main Sands has once again hoisted a Blue Flag in this year's prestigious and eponymous awards!

However, poor old Margate has lost it's blue duster, as has Westbrook and Stone Bay. This is almost certainly due to the number of superannuated, incontinent crones weeing in the water in those parts. And, of course, the water in Viking Bay in Boredstares, which has only ever managed one Blue Flag (in 2006), is barely better than toxic waste.

Here on the more sophisticated south side, we have the UK's only south facing sandy beach, the finest restaurants and bars outside of London, and a marina that makes Cannes look shabby. What with that, the Blue Flag, and the Met Office predicting a long hot summer, I fully expect the cash registers to be tinkling with tourist tenners for the next four months!

Overall drop in UK Blue Flag beaches
ENCAMS the Blue Flag people

Bin And Gone

Meandering around Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff the other day, I clocked that the rubbish bin which the Uranians so helpfully placed next to our teeny-tiny kiosk a few months back has recently disappeared. I presume it's been redeployed to Broadstairs to fight the litter louts on the beaches and will now be a repository for bottles, cans and dirty nappies (eeurgh!).

Not that its services aren't required in keeping this particular part of Thanet beautiful. Perhaps Ramsgate Firster Gerry O'Donnell, who runs the kiosk, has annoyed the powers-that-be once too often with his stinging letters to the local papers, and this is their rubbish revenge!

Getting The Blues Gives Isle A Boost

Cripes! Just when you think there's no news about, ten stories come along at once! Well, one anyway. Following the granting of several gongs from the Marine Conservation Society's latest Good Beach Guide a couple of weeks ago, those nice chaps at Encams (Keep Britain Tidy in old money) have today awarded Thanet a record ten Blue Flags for the Ile's beaches, including a welcome return of the Blue Flag for our lovely sands here in the Millionaires' Playground. That's a whopping eighth of all Blue Flags in England! Here's what Encams say in their press release:

We should be smitten with our own beaches – and mate with Margate (Surely Ramsgate - Ed.) not Majorca. Thanet, which takes in Margate, Ramsgate and Broadstairs, today basks in the glory of ten Blue Flags. This is the best performance anywhere in the country for a decade.

Hurrah! Keep Britain Tidy Chief Executive Phil Barton added:

We keep being told that our love affair with the seaside has been on the rocks. But as far as we are concerned England’s beach resorts go from strength to strength. Now is the time for the English to rekindle passion for traditional beach holidays in this country. Our beaches are fabulous places to visit and that’s official. Blue Flag is only awarded to beaches that have good access, top notch facilities, are litter free and have clean sea-water. We are challenging people to avoid overseas air travel and be kind to the environment by holidaying at home.

Clearly Phil didn't visit Viking Bay the other weekend when it was strewn with more than 100 bottles, empty drink cans and dirty nappies (eeurgh!), but I think we'll, er, gloss over that. And as for the precise location of the putting green they list as one of the attractions on Ramsgate Sands, lord only knows! Still, if it means more people holidaying at home, and fewer knackered old jumbos polluting the air over my cliff top mansion, I'd even be prepared to publicise the little-known fact that there's gold nuggets buried in them there sands!

Click here to read Encams press release
Click here for list of Blue Flag beaches

Money Down The Drain Was Well Spent

Well, it was for Margate and Broadstairs at least. According to the Marine Conservation Society's latest Good Beach Guide, the new Thanet doo-doo treatment plant built by Southern Water last year 'is benefiting beaches from Margate to Broadstairs'.

This bucks the general trend in the South East, which, according to the MCS, 'appears to be paying the price for the rate of new build in the region, with its high population density and extensive house building programmes'. It attributes this year's overall 10% drop in top-grade beaches to the unusually bad summer last year, with all the rain washing those germy borries off the streets and farmland directly into the ocean. Yurgh!

The MCS classified Margate Main Sands as 'recommended', the highest level, which it has achieved for two years on the trot. Viking Bay in Boredstares still only managed a 'basic pass' (the statutory minimum for water quality) for the second year in a row. Ramsgate Sands went from 'basic pass' to 'guideline' (good water quality standard only). Which seems to be a step up, so there may be a chance of getting our Blue Flag back this century!

Meanwhile I see today's Gazunder is reporting a 'huge surge of froth around the Thanet coastline', due to 'molecules of fat and proteins and sex cells from algae trying to breed becoming foamy when churned up with air bubbles'. Time to get out the rubber togs, methinks!

Click here for MCS story on BBC website
Click here for MCS Good Beach Guide
Click here for algae love custard story on Gazunder website

Cone Fishing

Zillions of millionaires on Ramsgate beach this afternoon. It seems summer has finally arrived!

Clearly we're now well into the silly season. Parliament has broken up, with old One Eye Brown off to stay with his brand new chum Camp David. The kiddy-diddlers at the BBC (a survey out today shows 60% of adults now trust the BBC less since scandals such as the faked Blue Peter phone-in) have all scarpered to their villas in Tuscany, leaving the viewers to digest endless repeats. And, as you can see by the headline on this post, I'm rapidly running out of ideas for atrocious puns.

So it's time for a bit of a break. There are ice creams to be licked, bottles of Krug to be popped, and an autobiography to be written. But like the Beeb, I'll be bunging up a few repeats, and who knows, if something interesting happens I might even be persuaded to comment on it. As I've always said: You can't get rid of me that easily!

Littoral Litter

The amount of litter on Britain's beaches has increased by more than 90% since 1994, according to an annual survey by the Marine Conservation Society. Top ten items found on the beach were:

1. Pieces of plastic, 1cm-50cm; 13.2%

2. Cotton bud sticks; 8.6%

3. Pieces of plastic, less than 1cm; 6.2%

4. Crisp/sweet/lolly wrappers; 5.6%

5. Polystyrene pieces; 5.5%

6. Plastic caps/lids; 5.4%

7. Rope; 4.3%

8. Cigarette stubs; 4.2%

9. Plastic drinks bottles; 3.9%

10. Fishing net; 3.3%

Well, maybe on Margate beach, but here in the Millionaires' Playground we have a better class of litter. Having combed the sea shore this morning, here's what I found:

1. Fortnum's picnic hamper
2. Copy of Country Life
3. Seven bottles of Dom Perignon
4. Five bottles of Krug
5. Apple iPhone
6. Two jars of Gentleman's Relish
7. Pair of Prada sunglasses
8. Chemical toilet from Sunseeker Portofino 35
9. Porsche Cayenne (minus wheels)
10. Bentley Continental (burnt out)

As you can see, even the cast offs are classier in Ramsgate!

Beach Blankets Broadstairs

Talk about the blinking tail wagging the dog. Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) now tells me he's so busy with ECR TV, in between what he terms 'masticating' the new Villeroy and Boch chinaware here at the old CTM, that's he's now got me running errands for him.

So yesterday afternoon I found myself in Doyles Psychic Emporium over in Boredstares High Street looking for a set of healing crystals. Afterwards I decided to take a wander down to the Dickensians' teeny-tiny harbour for a lungful of invigorating ozone.

Imagine my surprise to discover their wibbly-wobbly jetty virtually knee deep in sand! Oh well, it's probably for the best. There are only a couple of old tubs bobbing up and down in the 'harbour', so converting it into an extension of the beach will be no loss. Plus it'll give them even more scope to romp around in Victorian bathing costumes!