Big Down Under

There, that's better! I've managed to shake off my cold. And I've put my Christmas deccies up to boot! And having just watched the Giant Panda of the Exchequer telling us everything will be alright next year, what more could an impoverished sleb wish for?

Well, actually, now you come to mention it, I do wish I was reprising my Big Down Under tour of a few years ago. Y'know, when I pulled my Twankey off with a big spread in The Age, amongst others. But alas, dear reader, even though the Aussie economy seems recession proof, I've been told by my agent Bev that my antipodean panto career is behind me. Even the Neasden Hippodrome said they'd rather have Joe Pasquale. So the only chance I've got of having them rolling in the aisles this year is if that shelf stacking job at Tescos comes off.

Not so regular reader Millicent, however, who is just back from the Big Brown Land and has sent me her first impressions on catching up with the latest Fannit news. Take it away, Millicent!

Notes from a Small Island after returning from a Big One
(With apologies to Bill Bryson)

Have just returned from visiting family in Australia so have enjoyed catching up with all the freebie papers full of local news which had been stuffed through my letterbox while I was away!

This is my take on the last month’s exciting events in Thanet!! After recovering from the shock that our KCC councillor Mr John Kirby had jumped off the cliff at Screaming Alley I read on to discover that he was taking part in the annual abseil for charity. Phew! Good for you John – but you had me worried there for a moment.

Air passenger numbers cut by cash crunch
Glad to see our Matt has been cut down to size and that his 116 page master plan has already had to be revised - only 2.2 million passengers instead of 2.7 million predicted - I’ve yet to meet one person who has actually flown from Manston this year but I’m happy to support his plans as long as they do not include night flights from 11pm to 7am

The Lights are on but everybody’s (sic!) at home
Sorry to hear that not many people turned out to see Ramsgate’s Christmas lights switched on but the ones in the photo are on all year anyway so what is all the fuss about? Birchington have gone over the top this year with a Santa’s grotto, snow machine, ice rink etc, etc. Whatever next?? Still with free parking vouchers on offer and our local loyalty scheme hordes of shoppers are obviously being encouraged into our town centre to part with their pennies - has anyone opened a 98p shop in my absence? Personally I shall hibernate on Christmas Day and will probably give it up for Lent next year!

Joined-up rubbish plan
On the same page Mark Seed, named as 'bins boss' at Thanet Council, was given the go-ahead for his joined-up rubbish plan combining the isle’s rubbish collection service with those of Canterbury, Folkestone and Dover - does that mean we can soon look forward to one rubbish collection a month? After all our bin lorries can only be in one place at once. Sounds like somebody has done some joined-up thinking - but maybe they should concentrate on learning joined-up writing first? By the way you might all be interested to learn that wheelie bins have invaded Australia too – quite a blot on the landscape in places.

Your worst nuisances
Dog fouling, cycling on pavements, and nuisance youths were identified by Thanet residents in a recent survey as three of the main problems!! Who on earth do they ask when they do these surveys? Has anyone you know filled one in? My worst nuisances would include:

Noisy aircraft doing circuits and bumps
Smokers outside cafes and pubs polluting the environment and blocking the pavement so I have to walk in the road
Split rubbish bags everywhere
Not enough loos
Mobile phone users on buses who have nothing to say saying it very loudly
Thanet District Council

Eco home owner to honour wife’s ideas
A man from Birchington who already has solar panels on his roof wants a wind TURNINE (sic!) to go with it – isn’t that being just a little bit greedy? Anyone know what a 'Turnine' is? It must be right because I saw it in the Thanet Times (Dec 1st)

Thanet could be a green powerhouse
Apparently I missed the biggest bash of the century when Thanet held it’s own mini Copenhagen climate change energy summit in November. It must have felt considerably warmer that day when all the hot air blew across Thanet. Hope all the influential visitors in the renewables sector (who writes this stuff?) enjoyed having their lungs full of beautiful Thanet air for a change. Good on ya Laura Sandys - keep it up!

Northdown House is open for business
Apparently this rather neglected, unlisted but magnificent Georgian building is now available for hire for 'Conferences, Weddings, private parties, craft fairs etc'. Sadly without a complete makeover I don’t hold out much hope, but I would love to see this building re-furbished and fully-functioning again.

Ferry Christmas
This is more than can be said for our promised ferry service - apparently there are now firm plans for it to start in March - where have we heard that before? [Steady on Millicent! You probably missed that Eurof*****s' m'learneds got rather shirty during your absence! - Ed]

Council gets a carpeting
Also apparently Margate’s dreams are about to come true because Mrs Hodge, the culture and tourism minister, has awarded them £3.7 million to transform the former Dreamland site into the world’s first heritage park. I only hope it will happen, but can’t help wondering how TDC are going to pay for the Turnip Centre?? £3.7 million would certainly help, especially now that the offices in Cecil Street have been re-carpeted in pink! This wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that a certain local carpet company offers to dispose of your old carpet while at the same time advertising that over 30 rolls of discounted stock have just arrived in store? Anyone remember what colour the old carpet in the council offices was?

There has been some good news however while I’ve been away!
The delightful Tom Thumb Theatre in Cliftonville is re-opening on December 10th so please support their Christmas show if you can. More info at www.tomthumbtheatre.co.uk

And finally...
A local dignitary, who shall remain nameless, has asked me to be his friend on Facebook (fame at last), and the Dept of Transport has promised an extra £500,000 so pensioners can still travel free on local buses. So I’m off now to Loop the Loop one more time just in case they change their mind!

Millicent
Your intrepid Thanet Planet explorer

Flog It!

Regular contributor Millicent writes:

Did you know that Ramsgate now has a new auction house in Westcliff Road, next door to Kwikfit? The first auction was on Saturday morning. There were 220 lots and it went on for over two hours. There was an amazing array of goodies both big and small on offer and some bargains to be had. I bought four empty Edwardian postcard albums for £2! The next auction will be Sat 8th November at 10am. There is a cafe serving tea and sandwiches but get there early if you want/need a seat. I had never been to an auction before so I found it very entertaining.

Thanks for the info Millicent. It's at this point that I usually come up with some incredibly witty pay-off line, but you're going to have to fill in the blanks yourselves today as I've got the grandfather of all hangovers after attending Wussell and Wossie's leaving do last night. Pass the Neuries, Georgina!

Click here to visit Royal Harbour Auction Rooms website

Bafta Is The Best Medicine

Really, I can't hide my disappointment that the British Academy of Film and Television Arts have yet again eschewed my suggestion that they hold the TV Baftas at our Granville Theatre and Cinem here in the Millionaires' Playground.

Still, I suppose a weekend in the Smoke will make a nice change. And it'll be good to see my old TV chum Harry Hill, who's up for a gong. I'm going to be accompanying him to the Awards and then we're off to one of those media parties. Moreover, being the splendidly generous chap he is, he's said I can do anything I like with the Bentley during the ceremony, and keep the cap and uniform afterwards!

Celebrities On The Box

Flaming Nora! I've seen more celebrities staring out from the packaging of my Christmas presents this year than I'd have clocked watching UK Living for an entire week! Here's a rundown:

Gordon Ramsay's Just Desserts Chocolates - I particularly enjoyed the When Are You Going To Grow A Set Of F*cking B*ll*cks You F*cking T*sser? Lime Parfait

Bill Oddie's Fat Ball Holder - has attracted some great tits. So much more effective than just dangling your shrivelled old nuts off a bush

Nigella Lawson's Topless Jugs - speak for themselves really

That reminds me I must speak to Bev, my agent, about endorsing some products myself next year. After all, I doubt there'd be many Christmas consumers who'd be able to resist a festive nibble on my Dick Cheese!

Eye News

The dreaded appointment with my new opthalmologist, Mr R. De Cock, is less than a week away, so you'll forgive me for being a trifle ocularly obsessed at the moment.

Lunching with my old satirical chum Ian at his mansion in the Kent countryside yesterday, he revealed that he's moved into that age where he requires bifocals, so he's no longer able to pop in the contacts. Hence the debut of the snazzy new goggles on Question Time last week. I expect they'll become a regular feature of the news-gnome's physog during the new series of HIGNFY, which begins again this Friday.

During the chit-chat he revealed that another prominent journo recently encountered similar age-related opthalmic difficulties. Vanity prevented her from donning bifocals, so she opted for laser treatment and now has one eye for close-up work, and the other for long distance vision. Modesty, of course, prevents me from revealing her name.

Meanwhile, Wossie's been chatting to me on Facebook about having his lumps removed over the summer break. I recall Elton pointing out on his show that the nodule under his eyebrow could easily be fixed, and he's confirmed that he had it off over the recess, along with 'a hard thing attached to a vein on my leg'. How us celebrity types suffer for our art, eh?

Still, it's worth it, isn't it? After all, who would guess that Brucie is 103?

I've Been Poked By Jonathan Ross

I knew it would just be a matter of time before all my old showbiz chums joined me on Facebook. Jonathan Ross has just become my Facebook friend, so I'd like to extend him a right royal welcome to Ramsgate!

He used Facebook's 'poke' facility to get in touch with me, and, well, here we are. I'm not sure the American developers of Facebook are entirely aware of the double meaning that particular verb carries in the UK. It still makes me feel rather icky every time I poke Fiona Bruce.

Oh well, only another 1,166 more friends to gather, and I'll be bigger than JR!

The Lunch Bunch

More good news on the work front. A well-known publisher has offered a substantial advance for my autobiography. Hurrah! Next stop, Richard and Judy!

Consequently I've been rifling through the old Eastcliff diaries and they make fascinating reading. Here are some scintillating examples:

5 July 94 - Lunch with xxxxx xxxxxxxx in Covent Garden. Offered free tickets to the British Grand Prix, but had to decline due to imminent departure for the villa in the south of France.
6 July 94 - Lunch in Chelsea with BBC exec to discuss my upcoming series.
11 Aug 94 - Chat with Chief Presidential Advisor on Whitehouse lawn. Followed by lunch.
19 Aug 94 - ITV interview with xxxxx xxxxxxxx cancelled due to the latter being a bit, er, worse for wear. Dinner in Covent Garden.
25 Aug 94 - Sally Line ferry on fire out of Ramsgate. Lunch with xxxxxx xxxxx in Islington.

Gripping stuff I'm sure you'll agree. I've disguised the names to protect the guilty, and, more to the point, make you pay for the book when it comes out!

A Crafty Rank

Not a reference to my old showbiz pal Wossie's impertinent inquiry into David Cameron's teenage fantasies. No. What I mean is that avid observers of this drivel may have noticed that I have promoted a couple of local bloggers to my 'Millionaires' Row'.

Zumi has proven to be a person of discriminating tastes, much in my own mould, and a real asset to the Millionaires' Playground. And Captain Dog seems like a thoroughly decent cove, not averse to the odd tipple, who's about to become a dad for the first time. Good luck with the nipper, Captain!

No slur intended on the other 'Exciting New Talent' still awaiting promotion. It's more a question of it being handier for me to find the blogs I visit most if they're higher up the sidebar. Nobody could ever accuse me of not being selfish!

Me TV

Now that I've got the hang of this BoobTube mullarkey, I've set up an entire channel devoted to moi.

All it needs now is for my crack team of highly trained producers to scour the island in search of corruption and scandal. Which they'll be doing as soon as they've finished the guest bathroom in the west wing.

Meanwhile, if you've got something you'd like to get off your chest in front of my prying eye, just leave a comment, or email me at eastcliffrichard.co.uk. With your help, and my BAFTA winning talent, we should be able to give KCC TV a run for their money!