Sunday, April 30, 2006

The Smell Of Margate

Self-immolation appears to have become all the rage amongst the hurdy-gurdyists, so I thought I'd give Broadstairs a miss today and pilot the TT over to Margate instead. Here's my report.

1. Parked up in 'Rendezvous' car park. Car park full of architects' Bentleys. Occupants gazing wistfully at where the old Anthea Turner Centre might have been, wondering how they will spend the twelve million smackers on offer to build the new Anthea Turner Centre. (Answer: by converting the lifeboat station into a multi-storey car park and pocketing the other eleven million).

2. Walked up high street to find a hole in the wall. Plenty of holes in most of the walls.

3. Passed by a public house called The Waverley. Two tattoed men outside screaming at each other: "DO YOU WANT SOME?" Assume this is how the channel dividing the Ile from the rest of Kent derived its name.

When I dined with Ronnie Biggs in Rio in the 90s, he told me that what he missed most about Blighty was the smell of Margate, and that it was his dying wish to be given the opportunity to savour it again.

Well, even though he's now banged up in Belmarsh, 70 miles up the road, I think I can say with utter certainty that Ronnie will have at last attained his heart's desire.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Sir Roger Withdraws His Column

I happened to glance at The Gazunder as I was changing Bertie's litter tray today, and saw that Sir Roger Wind, the Conservative MP for Thanet (Arsonists), will no longer be writing his regular slot for the paper.

I don't normally follow political ins and outs, let alone notice what the local MPs get up to, apart from when my own representative, the Right Honourable Steve Ladyboy, Labour MP for Thanet (Millionaires), zips past in his Ferrari.

Anyway, the truth is, I then plonked myself down in one of my La-z-boys and read The Gazunder from cover to cover. It seems that, although Sir Roger is departing, Arts and Elbows, the weekly column about cultural life on the Ile, has returned. It's based around the blog of the same name written by Sultan of Bling Philip Page, and very good it is too, for someone from Margate.

Culture. Now that's much more my cup of Earl Grey.


Roger just rang to tell me that, in the elevated government circles that he moves in these days, the rumour is that when the Home Secretary was told about all these foreign johnnies being let out of prison, he was heard to say that he couldn't believe his ears.

Apparently efforts to reassure him that nobody else could believe his ears either did not have the desired effect.

I'm not sure if Roger hadn't better leave that sort of story to Nookie.

Lonesome Clown On A Crumbling Cliff

On reflection I'm rather surprised that the state of our crumbling East Cliff here in the Millionaires' Playground hasn't, as far as I'm aware, made the front pages of the national papers.

The local papers, of course, have much bigger fish to fry (and wrap themselves around), and prefer to focus their attention on how many keyrings a man in Cliftonville has collected, local councillors marrying Dolly Parton impersonators, and pit bulls getting their heads stuck in railings.

And there's been no reply yet from the local council's Leisure Department, who, I've been told, are responsible for dealing with this serious issue, presumably by organising a 'bring your own concrete' party in the seafront car park.

Meanwhile it's come to my attention that the last remaining vestige of the Pleasurama amusement park, which used to occupy what is now wasteland at the bottom of the cliff, is still doggedly clinging to the very concrete facade that is in danger of cascading into the English Channel. This, once illuminated, clown still looks out to sea with his cheeky grin, a semi-circle of lights between his upturned hands which, in days long past, used to illuminate in sequence to give the effect that he was juggling.

Over in Margate, they only this week removed the illuminated Dreamland sign which had graced their formerly famous amusement park for decades, and carted it off to a bonfire in Herne Bay.

So today I'm starting a campaign to save Ramsgate's Pleasurama heritage. We could even rope in Scottie and his dilithium crystals, perhaps he could get the thing working again.

Actually it's nothing to do with nostalgia. I just think that there couldn't be a more appropriate tribute to our borough engineer than a solitary, ball-juggling clown on a crumbling cliff.

Friday, April 28, 2006

The Eastcliffy Code

SoMe of you mAy have been Reading about how the judGe in the Da Vinci Code cAse included a secret code of his own in his 71 page wriTten judgemEnt.

The crazy adjudicator now sayS his effort was aimed at pUblicising some old admiral who onCe built a couple of boats.

Personally I think the whole thing is a bit childish. It's certainly not the Kind of thing you'd catch me indulging mySelf in.

Dumpton Crap

Q: How many street cleaners does it take to clean a street?
A: One, but he actually has to clean the street.

So there'll be no chance of the assorted detritus along the grassy prom down by Dumpton Gap being removed this side of Christmas.

Despite his brand new uniform, shiny new litter picker and sparkly new cart, the cleaner was meandering along, staring out to sea, texting on his mobile, gaily sauntering past the coathangers, old hats and paper cups spiked on railings, not to mention the umpteen abandoned Netto gnomes.

Still, it's a lovely day for it, and I'm sure any visiting millionaires over the bank holiday weekend won't mind too much when they discover a foot's been speared by one of the little people's tiny fishing rods.

Toon Town

With all the Monets to stare at on the walls of my cliff top mansion, I usually have to don my darkest D&G shades to gawp at anything less. But one of my regular correspondents, who happens to be a cartoonist in his spare time, has just started his own blog, featuring his 'toons'.

It's early days, but I think the lad shows artistic promise.

So take a look at snailspace. I can assure you the fellow behind it is a thoroughly good egg, even though he's not, as far as I know, a millionaire.

Sleepless Night 2

If it's not the worry of crumbling cliffs keeping me awake, it's the flipping pterodactyls flying around, squawking and fighting with each other all night.

Why don't they warn you, when you move to a millionaire's playground by the briny, that seagulls like nothing more than a good fight after a hard day's pecking at the bin bags? Maybe they've found a few drops left at the bottom of all those cast out White Lightning cans in Augusta Road.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Gazunder Gazover

James Bond is now reporting that the editor of the Ile's august organ, The Gazunder, has pulled out of a much anticipated, head to head, face to face, toe to toe interview with local MP Sir Roger Wind on BBC Radio Kent tomorrow morning.

My guess is that The Gazunderer, which publishes tomorrow, has yet another front page scoop about Sir Roger's secretary purchasing a rather iffy brand of printer cartridge, or some such.

One thing's certain, I'll be straight down the newsagents to bag my copy first thing tomorrow morning, as the Adscenes I'm currently using have given the poor old Burmese a rather nasty botty rash.

Eddie, Steady, Go!

I'm catching up with all the gossip here on the Ile de Thanet after returning from my brief sojourn at Nookie's Nest in Folkestone.

There currently appears to be a squalid tussle taking place on the shabby north side of the Ile, where the local MP Sir Roger Wind has been in the papers over something his secretary has done.

Personally I don't understand the ins and outs, and would rather steer clear of such tittle-tattle, but James Bond is promising to publish the true story tomorrow, and the editor of the Gazunder will apparently be going head to head with Sir Rodge on BBC Radio Kent.

Everyone in The Arsonists' Playground is waiting with bated, and no doubt rather rancid, breath.

Here in the calmer climes of the mediterranean style south side, we tend not to go in for such grubby stuff. The biggest news round here is that our local brewmeister Eddie Gadd is setting up in larger premises on the outskirts of town.

The affable Eddie, known to his friends as The Gaddfather Of Ale, currently brews his beer at the Belgian Bar on the harbour. I have to admit to slumming it there occasionally, and even enjoying the odd drop of Gadd's No. 5, although Krug is really more my tipple.

Anyway, good luck to Eddie, who's well on his way to becoming a brewing magnate, and thereby adding another millionaire to Ramsgate's ever-growing list!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Aerial View

The move went fairly well, although a couple of Ming vases were smashed. The removals man reassured me that it was nothing compared to what he did in Cambridge earlier this year. Anyhow, I'm now reinstalled in my soon-to-be-beachfront mansion on Ramsgate's crumbling East Cliff.

It's amazing what changes a couple of days away have brought. Most significant is the installation of gargantuan TV aerial masts on a number of properties in the vicinity.

But then it's only to be expected as nothing smaller than the Eiffel Tower would support the weight of your average seagull around here these days.

Blind Date

As you know, I'm not much of a one for national and international politics, but I nearly choked on my Oeufs Florentine this morning when I read that John Prescott, our Deputy Prime Minister, has been having an affair.

I mean, he looks like the back end of a Russian tractor. If he'd been having an affair with David Blunkett, I might have believed it. Anyway 'Two Shags', as he's now known in government circles, has said it's all in the past and he wants to move on.

Speaking of moving on, the Pickfords men have just arrived. I'll be back in Ramsgate later to check on property prices and the state of my cliff top mansion.

You can't get rid of me that easily!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Count Dracula

Holy Moses!

I've just discovered that my MP here in Folkestone is none other than Nosferatu, that rather menacing fellow who used to lead the Conservative Party. If anything's going to give me a sleepless night, it's knowing that he's creeping around the town in his black cape and false teeth. Give me Sandy Beach any day.

I'm coming back to Ramsgate as soon as Pickfords can arrange to send round their lorries. It's either that or get EDF to send over a ton of their best garlic.

See you in Ramsgate!

Sleepless Night

Not many millionaires slept easily in their beds here on the East Cliff last night, I can tell you. This one certainly didn't.

Two points arise from yesterday's shock news that the entire cliff is about crumble into the sea:

1. Let's not hoist anything bigger than the tiny Union Jack that is currently flying from the new, multi-storey flag pole opposite Wellington Crescent. It might only exacerbate the situation.

2. Now's the time for the local council's Leisure Department, who are apparently in charge of resolving this dire emergency, to really go to town, and put on an entertaining variety spectacular to take everyone's mind off the impending disaster. What we need is something that brings out the spirit of the Blitz, Dame Vera, that type of thing. For a small fee I might even be persuaded to compere it, although I would be requiring the travel expenses from my new home in Folkestone, which is where I'm moving to this morning.

Monday, April 24, 2006


Flaming Nora, this railings thing is much more serious than I thought. Our superhero local councillor Dave Green has discovered that most of the East Cliff is about to crumble into the sea.

This is going to require more than a hard hat, and I doubt even Councillor Green has the superhuman powers to hold up an entire cliff on his own. I'm right now stuffing all my valuables into several articulated lorries and running for my life.

A Missive From Uranus

Feeling a bit better now. It's so handy having a kiosk that sells rubber rings at the end of one's road.

That aside, I've received a response from Uranus regarding my online complaint about the hideous temporary fencing all along the cliff top promenade opposite Wellington Crescent. The Uranians say:

Dear Mr Eastcliff,

Thank you for your email. I have forwarded your enquiry onto our
Leisure Department, you can expect to receive a reply within the next
ten working days


I'm not entirely certain that my definition of 'leisure' would encompass railings. I did witness a couple of pit bulls enjoying a special cuddle up against a fence in Winterstoke Crescent the other day, but I think it's stretching a point.

All Blogged Up

Sorry millionaire fans. I think that 6ft sub I ate the other week has finally come home to roost. I'll be back with you as soon as the bleeding's stopped.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Nest Building

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm seriously thinking of calling Gullbusters.

As I may have mentioned before, the seagulls here on Ramsgate's newly fashionable East Cliff have bloated up to the size of standard poodles, now that they've discovered the feast of leftover smoked salmon and caviar to be had by clawing their way into the bin bags deposited on the pavements every Thursday morning.

And now it's the mating season, their taste in nesting material appears to have gone upmarket too.

Puzzled this afternoon by a loud squawk from the back garden, I rushed out just in time to see half a brick descend from the heavens with a thud onto the perfectly manicured lawn. This gargantuan piece of masonry had evidently been dropped by a passing gull, on its way to its nesting site.

Well, actually, on closer inspection it turned out to be half a Dundee cake, but, I mean, it could still have done someone a really nasty injury.

I would therefore advise any millionaire thinking of venturing outside in the coming few weeks not to do so without first donning a hard hat.

Snot Funny

Roger came over for tea last night, and with all the talk of local delicacies, we decided to slum it a bit and try our local chippy.

The fish and chips looked first class, but we were slightly put out by the sight of the man queuing in front of us, who at first glance appeared to have one of those 70s, punk style paperclips through his septum.

We needn't have worried unduly, though. When the fellow turned round it became apparent that what we had imagined was a bent paperclip through the fellow's nose was nothing more worrying than two rivulets of rather viscous snot which, having dribbled from each nostril, had subsequently joined forces to form a kind of phlegmy wishbone.

Now that's something you don't see in Folkestone.

Best Of Times, Wurst Of Times

My new friend Tony Flaig over in the Arsonists' Playground informs me that he is not actually eating a pie in the photo of him on his Bignews Margate blog. It is, in fact, a delicious sausage, which he is devouring in Wenceslas Square in Prague.

It's a pity, as I was hoping he was tucking into some as yet unrecorded local delicacy, but I'm glad to put the record straight, and have changed my link to him accordingly. I'll just have to continue making do with those pasties they sell out the back of Sweeney Todd's on King Street.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

One In The Eye For Pugin

I see one of our poodle sized seagulls has made a rather substantial deposit on the recently restored statue of Pugin opposite the Granville.

The culprit appeared to be subsequently enjoying 40 winks atop the newly-painted fountain adjacent.

Good to see the local birds appreciating all the improvements inward investment is bringing to the area.

Jim Beams

I've just had a very nice email from that lovely Jim Scott, the lightning Lighting Engineer from Kent County Council. If you remember, 'Scottie' and his band of Frenchie engineers from EDF installed the new/old lights on Victoria Parade, and removed the old old ones at warp speed over the Easter break.

"Ye cann'a change the laws of physics," Scottie quips, after a colleague put him in the picture about my humble jottings here on the East Cliff. But I beg to differ. Jim and his team sorted out the situation at, well, light speed!

So as a special 'thankyou', I've invited him and his bag of glowing dilithium crystals over to my cliff top mansion for a few glasses of Romulan Ale. And I suppose I'd better also put on a couple of garlic baguettes and a bottle of Pernod for the Frenchies.

Honour Off

I must have been mad, standing outside the Granville all day yesterday, waving my tiny flag. What was I thinking? The Queen coming to Ramsgate? To bestow an honour upon its most eminent citizen (me)? On her birthday?

It's obvious now. She must be coming on her official birthday in June. It's better, really, because at least it gives me a chance to get fitted for a proper garter.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Not Coming

I don't think she's coming. Better pack it in and go home.

Flying The Flag

Well I've been out there all day with my little Union Jack on a stick. Nothing.

Still, I'll give it a few more hours. Maybe she's been held up in all the traffic out by Westwood Cross.

Birthday Honours

The more I think about it, the more certain I am that Her Madge must be coming to Ramsgate to mark her 80th birthday today. She may even be about to bestow a special honour upon a certain special someone, if you catch my drift!

Odd though. I've studied her official published schedule for the day, which includes immensely dull activities such as 'raising an extra large flag at Windsor Castle', and 'tribute to the Queen by Prince Charles to be broadcast on Radio 4', but no mention of the special trip down to the Millionaires' Playground.

They must be keeping it as a lovely surprise for her. I expect they're rolling out the red carpet at Kent International Airport as we speak. I'd better go and stand down by the Granville. Don't want to miss out.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Glaze Your Arses To The Queer Old Dean

Out on my evening stroll along the East Cliff tonight, I noticed that the peculiar fountain opposite the Granville is being restored. It started me pondering on the recent string of amazing improvements around here, viz:

- Fido hoovers barker's nests from Augusta Stairs
- New lamp posts installed
- Old lamp posts removed
- New multi-storey flag pole on Wellington Crescent
- All beds planted with flowers
- Abandoned cars crushed by local councillor
- Millionaires (Richard Branston, Roman Abramovich, TBA Noel, me) move in by the boat load

It all adds up. It can only mean one thing. Tomorrow, it's HER birthday. She must be going to make a surprise visit to the Millionaires' Playground.

Blimey, I'd better go and iron the nets.

Chimnobyl Site 'Capable Of Sustaining Life' Say Scientists

A report by scientists today claimed that the Chimnobyl caravan site in North Kent was more than capable of sustaining life, twenty years after the disaster which caused it to be created in the first place. The report concludes that expansion of the site should go ahead to accommodate the huge number of plumbers, used car salesmen and estate agents that have returned to the area and made it their permanent temporary home.

"We've even heard there might be the odd bank manager in there," said Boris Traylertrasch, head of the team that spent two months exploring the area armed only with Geiger counters, full NBC suits and tickets to see Westlife. "We found they were living as long as ordinary people."

He added that the team found plenty of evidence of DNA mutations, but nothing that impaired physiology or reproductive ability, barring the occasional discarded KFC Deluxe Boneless Box. "Nothing with two heads," he said. "Although there are rumours within the site that a builder with three legs called Jake lives in the ninth van down on the right."

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Railing Against The Establishment

Grrrr. Almost three weeks now since I submitted my online complaint to the local council about the hideous temporary fencing all along the cliff top promenade opposite Wellington Crescent.

Since when, nothing. Zip. Nada. Not a sausage.

So today I've sent it again.

"Thank you for submitting your complaint or comment. You will receive a response within five working days from the Public Affairs unit," it chirpily responds after I press 'submit'.

Five working days, eh? Of course, silly me, it was in all the papers. I clean forgot that Thanet Council's Public Affairs Unit relocated to Uranus several months ago, and that each day there lasts the equivalent of 72 Earth days.

It's a simple mistake, really. Could have happened to anyone. I don't know what I was thinking of. Really I don't. Only another 359 working Earth days to go, then. Hey ho. Mustn't grumble.

Flame Game

Anyone would think I was obsessed with that bloody awful Noel. It's probably best to move on, now that I've got that out of my system.

I'm just back from auditioning for the role of 'Voice of Pink Flame' in that jolly series of animated British Gas commercials. I'm not sure how well it went, though, as the casting director pulled a mouth like a cat's bottom when I ad libbed and went into my "You can't get rid of me that easily!" routine.

I think they're still smarting from all the lawsuits brought by parents of kids in the 80s who, in imitation of Bob Hoskins and J R Ewing, set their thumbs on fire and burnt the house down (particularly popular trick in Cliftonville, I heard). So the idea of a flame dancing around and shouting "You can't get rid of me that easily!" might not have conveyed the kind of message they're after.

But on the plus side, the people behind 'The Rich List' are apparently having a rethink, so I might be back in with a chance there.

Deal Or Noel Deal 10

There, that should do it!

Deal Or Noel Deal 8

Deal Or Noel Deal 9

Deal Or Noel Deal 7

Deal Or Noel Deal 4

Deal Or Noel Deal 5

Deal Or Noel Deal 6

Deal Or Noel Deal 3

As one of my correspondents has rightly pointed out, I have actually dropped below that bloody awful Noel in the Google charts.

Drat! This calls for desperate measures.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Deal Or Noel Deal 2

This isn't a post at all, in the normal sense.

It's just that it gives me great pleasure to see my site ranked above that bloody awful Noel's when people enter 'Noel' and 'deal' as search terms in Google. Yes, yes, I know they're looking for that nauseous quiz show he does on Channel 4, but by regularly putting it in my blog as a title, I ensure that I get top Google billing!

It may be petty gratification, but you don't have to be a millionaire to enjoy it!

The Last Post

How satisfying to see that Kent County Council's 'Scotty' and his team of French engineers have today finished removing all the 'doubled up' lamp posts from Victoria Esplanade.

A fine example of Anglo-French co-operation, and a timely reminder that it doesn't always have to end up like Dunkerque, Concorde or the Peugeot Ryton plant.

Vive la difference!

Barker's Nest Down The Drain

Bad news. Barker's Nest will not be going ahead.

I know you're all going to be disappointed, and so am I, but Heston could not guarantee daily deliveries of his new compote of freeze dried snail's liver, and without that, I'm afraid, we're sunk.

Perhaps it was a tad ambitious for Ramsgate Harbour anyway. After all, when you can get saithe and chips for £1.25 at Peter's Fish Factory, the demand for char-grilled giraffe bogies is, in all likelihood, going to be limited to only the Bentley and Sunseeker set, and they can be awfully fickle.

Perhaps I should put in a bid for Ronnie Corbett's kiosk instead, he seemed to be doing a roaring trade over the Easter break.

Margate Chosen As Site Of 'Giant Arse'

The Arts Council announced today that a huge, new 'iconic' sculpture has been commissioned, and will be in place in the traditional seaside town of Margate by the end of the decade.

The giant sculpture, designed to help regenerate the south coast town which has seen better days, will be more than 200 feet high, the tallest in the UK, and will dominate the seafront. It follows the success of the Angel of the North on Tyneside, and Manchester's B of the Bang!.

The news, though, has received a mixed reception among local residents, one of whom described the sculpture as 'looking like a giant arse'.

Contractors are now being approached with a view to construction work beginning on the giant arse by 2008.

More Flash Mobs Planned

Yesterday's flashmob event when several million people turned up to wave at Margate's Big Wheel was so successful that the organisers tell me more are planned. Ideas include:

- Huge human 'X' on spot where Turner Centre would have been (water wings provided)
- Huge crowd of people dressed in red to form giant lips and 'take off' from Kent International Airport runway
- Walking telephone (as requested by Mr P. Patel, East Cliff post office).

If I get any further updates, I'll let you know.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Flash Mob News Flash

Today's flash mob over on the north coast was apparently a great success, with well over a million Michael Caine impersonators saluting One-Eyed Pete's Big Wheelie on the seafront at one stage. Just the breath of fresh air Margate needs.

And what more appropriate way to celebrate that success than by watching Westworld starring the dear departed lovely Yul Brynner on BBC1 later? Life really doesn't get much better than this.

Not A Lot Of People Know This

Today's the day when a bunch of 'flash gits' impersonating Michael Caine and 'giving it all a bit of that' are due to descend on Margate.

The 'flash mob', as they quaintly call themselves, will be gathering in Cecil Square at 3pm, and spending the next couple of hours circulating through the town, calling each other 'muppets', and shouting to each other that they were 'only supposed to blow the bloody doors off'. This will be followed by a concert at the Winter Gardens, where they will be performing 'This Is The Self-Preservation Society' and other popular Michael Caine songs.

They are then scheduled to head back to 'the smoke' in their cute little red, white and blue minis, but in a spectacular stunt they will, in fact, push the cars off Nayland Rock, decamp into an original 1969 Bedford VAL six-wheel coach, and subsequently attempt to drive that off a cliff near Reculver.

Very impressive, 'lads', and the best of luck with the day.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Monotony Bay

The sight of a grown man in a Victorian bathing suit knocking out folk tunes on an ancient Scandinavian woodwind instrument does not compare with the best of this country's cultural heritage, I can assure you.

Let's hope tomorrow brings something a bit more exciting, otherwise, just like one of our esteemed local councillors, I'm going to have to marry a Dolly Parton impersonator.

Te Deum Tedium

If, like me, you're not much of a one for God-bothering, Easter Sunday can be the dullest day of the year. The shops are shut, so you can't relieve the boredom by pottering around Harrods. You can't even tool over to B&Q and browse through their latest range of gold plated taps. I could cut the grass, I suppose, but the Lawnflite's in need of a service, so best not to risk that either.

Things have got to the point where I'm seriously contemplating a trip to Broadstairs to watch men in Victorian bathing costumes play 'Hey Nonny No!' on Norwegian Tusselfloytes.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Giant Midget Sub

Phew! That took some doing, but I've just polished off the delicious 6ft giant sub I won in the Subway competition in this week's Thanet Extra.

Some old sea dogs might argue that a 6ft sub, far from being classified as 'giant', might in their day have been more accurately described as 'midget', but I can tell you, having just eaten one, that 'giant' does not even come close to doing it justice. I regard myself as fortunate, however, that I no longer have to imagine the taste sensation which could be contained in such a concoction, or, indeed, picture the surprise on the faces of my family, friends and work colleagues when the delicious whopper is delivered to my home or office.

I just hope there are no complications when it comes to dropping the kids off at the pool tomorrow morning.

Beer Today, Gone Tomorrow

I thought I'd have another toddle over to the Ale Festival, over on Ramsgate's not-so-trendy West Cliff, just to see if the crowds had died down. But when I got there everyone had packed up and gone home. The entire stock had been glugged, and all that remained were some Morris Men lying flat on their backs, waving their jangly legs in the air.

So I've had to make do with slumping in my cliff top mansion, flicking between two episodes of the Rockford Files being presented to us simultaneously by BBC2 and ITV1 this afternoon. Maybe I should get Sky after all.

Splendid New Blog

Feeling a bit more lively now, and, after having a quick snoop around the interweb, I've found a splendid new blog which really does reflect Ramsgate's up-and-coming status as the millionaires', and artists', playground. Well, artists need millionaires to patronise them, don't they? And I've met many artists who have said they've found me incredibly patronising.

Anyway, take a look at Arts and Elbows.

Fog Din

It's very murky this morning here on Ramsgate's fashionable East Cliff. I can barely see my Rolex in front of my face.

I didn't get much sleep, due to a regular groaning noise coming from somewhere out to sea. Elton says it's a fog horn, but what does he know? He's about as nautical as Gordon Brown's glass eye.

Oh dear, I think the lack of sleep is beginning to tell.


I've been told that Margate is not in fact to host a torchlight procession in the middle of the afternoon on Monday, but that what is gathering at 3pm in Cecil Square is a 'flash mob'.

A 'flash mob' is the new, trendy thing for young people to do, whereby a bunch of them dress up nicely in designer suits and ties, stand around waving their wallets and buying their posh girlfriends expensive drinks, whilst talking a bit like Michael Caine. I think.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Torchlight Procession

Apparently a bunch of people calling themselves a 'flashlight mob' are descending on Margate on Easter Monday.

They'll be meeting at Yates's Wine Bar at 3pm and waving their torches around, which is utterly ridiculous as it doesn't even get dark these days until early evening.

That Turner Centre Menu In Full

In all the excitement about the lamp posts, I forgot to mention that Heston called to boast that he'd done the catering for all the bigwigs after their Anthea Turner Centre meeting in Margate the other day. Here's what he cooked up for them:

Half-Cockaleekie Soup

Carpetbagger Steak
Minted Burghers
Coq-Up Au Vin
Lily Liver And Onions
Porky Pies
Pizza Vettriano

All served with:

Monster Mash
Half-Baked Beans
Waldorf (or any other kind of hotel) Salad

Multi-Storey Parkin

Tracey Ementhal
Hard Cheddar
Sour Grapes
Assorted Nuts

Coffee with biscuits and a collation of sweetmeats, including:

Jammy Dodgers
Millionaires Shortbread
Kentish Fudge
Margate Cinder Toffee


Kentish Sales

Skimming through my free edition of Kent County Council's Around Kent magazine, opposite a photograph of that ruddy-faced man who's going to build the Anthea Turner Centre, I notice an advert for 'Kent Merchandise'.

It informs me that you can order all sorts of gifts from KCC, including baseball hats, paperweights and whisky glasses. Among the items on offer are car stickers bearing the slogan: 'My Other County's Essex'.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Seal Of Approval

A stroll along the prom confirms the terrific progress that's been made today by Chief Engineer Scotty and his band of post operatives, although it's too soon to tell whether the new lights will, in fact, light. Fingers crossed.

One pit bull was so intent on giving the new lamp posts its 'seal of approval', that its owner was threatening to withdraw its bacon butty allowance if it didn't hurry up and get back in the car.

Testy Call

An irate M. Prise de Courant, the President of EDF, calls me to say that far from sitting in a cafe, munching garlic baguettes, smoking Gauloises, and drinking Pernod, his post operatives are in fact out and about on Victoria Parade, demolishing the excess ironmongery as we speak.

I rush to the window, and at that very moment a truck full of old posts whizzes past, presumably on its way to the old posts home.

This is a victory, I feel, for the small man/millionaire. But we must also not forget the part played in this triumph by our very own car crushing, viridescent local councillor, Dave Green. If it wasn't for him, we might have had to make do with concrete lamp posts for the rest of eternity.

Councillor Green, Ramsgate salutes you!

Time Team Comes To Ramsgate

Channel 4 have announced that their popular archaeology show Time Team is to be filmed on Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff over the Easter weekend.

Tony Robinson and his gang of hairy, beer swilling professors are expected to descend on the area in search of a long lost tribe known only by their initials, EDF.

"The EDF were an interesting bunch," says Mick Beard, Professor of Archaeology at the University of Bristol. "They originally came from France, and spent a lot of time digging holes for no apparent reason. Apart from that, not much more is known about them."

And he jokes: "In many ways, they were a bit like Time Team. Except for the thing about coming from France."

Already 16 trenches have been dug in preparation for the filming of the programme. Channel 4 assured local residents that once filming was complete, the trenches would be backfilled with small children, the elderly, and anybody else who happens to fall in.

Nasty Rash

In a desperate attempt to redress the balance between the, let's face it, tawdry north side of the Ile, and the Mediterranean style south (Ramsgate), I notice there has been a rash of new blogs about Margate in the past few days.

One new journal, under the snappy title BIGNEWS COMMENT MARGATE AND MAYBE THANET, features a photograph of One-Eyed Pete's Big Wheelie, alongside the comment 'What will happen to margate once its been regenerated'.

I'm glad to see that honesty has prevailed, and the blogger has posted that as a statement rather than a question.

Getaway Under Way

The Great Easter Getaway is under way with literally millions of people expected to flock to Thanet's holiday hotspots in the next 24 hours.

Here in Ramsgate we're anticipating the rush. Eddie down the Belgian Bar has added an extra chair to his outdoor setting, and the shop that sells beach accoutrements has put out a new display of giant balls.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Hello Sailor

Oh well, Angela's gone back to Barnes now, leaving me wondering what to do with the bit of free time I've got coming up over the next few days. I'm keen to pursue the nautical theme, so perhaps I'll investigate some of the Ramsgate related maritime activities mentioned today by Dr Simon Moores (aka James Bond) on his excellent Thanet Life site.

The polymath doctor/secret agent is more of a flyer than a sailor, judging by his jottings, but at least he has the good sense to realise that Ramsgate is where the cognoscenti are to be found this spring.

I doubt he'll find many trend setters hanging around Kent International Airport.


Poor Angela, I don't think she'll ever visit me again.

Looking for the shoe shop in Canterbury, we passed one of those Barnacle Bill outlets. Now it happens I'm in the market for a new sextant, as I noticed last time I was visiting Janet in Whitstable hers had a whole horizon mirror, making my old thing look terribly jejune. So in we go. Angela's mooching around the place, totally uninterested, when suddenly she lets out a piercing scream.

"Urgh! It's a stuffed cat!"

Sure enough, there in a wicker basket on the bottom shelf, curled up as if it had just washed itself and fallen asleep, was a stuffed moggie. By now Angela has dissolved in tears, so I summon the assistant for an explanation.

"Madame should not be upset, there is no problem," he explains.

"Oh good, so it's not real then?" I emphasise the 'not', hoping to reassure Angela.

"No, no, no sir," says the assistant, chuckling at our misunderstanding. The relief was tangible.

"It is made of rabbit."

With that Angela runs out of the shop in hysterics. Despite the assistant calling after her to the effect that she should not cry, because rabbits are very common, it rather put the kibosh on the rest of the afternoon.


Sorry, dropped off for a minute there due to nothing much happening. Angela's just arrived, so we're off to Canterbury. I'll tell you all about her viewings - and the shoe shop - later!



D-Day + 1

No sign yet of the lamp post operatives this morning, but I'm pleased to report that all the new posts survived the night. Unfortunately, so did all the old ones.

Angela's popping down from Barnes later to view a couple of seafront Georgians. After that we're planning take a look around Canterbury, apparently there's a divine shoe shop there that she just has to check out.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Granville To Host Baftas

The Granville Theatre on Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff has been picked to host next year's Bafta Film Awards, it's emerged.

The surprise move came as the Academy announced that that bloody awful Noel has been nominated for a gong in this year's 'so what?' TV Baftas to be held next month. Also nominated in the ho-hum TV section is local Thanet soap, Bling House.

The much more prestigious film awards, which are usually held every February at London's Odeon Leicester Square, have moved to the Granville in honour of Ramsgate's new-found millionaire status, and the fact that local film and TV star Mr Richard Eastcliff lives nearby. Mr Eastcliff was unavailable for comment, due to a prior engagement with some lamp posts, but a spokesman said: "I'm sure he'll be delighted."

Men At Work

A quick stroll along Victoria Parade confirms that a couple of workmen are indeed excavating huge Tony Robinson sized trenches around the daftly-dualled lamp posts (although it was unclear which one of the pair was our Scotty). So far they've dug holes around 16 sets of posts. No sign of anything being removed, though. Perhaps the idea is for the strengthening wind to blow the old posts down.

In fact, now that a couple of spots of rain are in the air, I notice both fellows have chuffed off in their van.

Unfortunately the expectant crowd of onlookers had dwindled by the time I arrived on the scene, being reduced to just a few middle-aged men sitting in their Rovers half staring at copies of 'The Twenty Minute Manager'.

Plot Well And Truly Lost

Sorry about that, normal service has been resumed. I've espied some men in high vis jackets along the esplanade, so I'll just nip out and check whether that's them.



EDF Spotted!

An EDF customer services van has been spotted in the area. Could this be the start? Hurrah!

D Day!

Today's the day! Redundant street lamps are coming down all over Ramsgate's fashionable East Cliff!

Well, actually, no sign of EDF just yet, or of plucky KCC street lighting engineer Jim Scott. But a huge crowd has gathered in eager anticipation.

I'll keep you posted.

Pyronews Update

Good to see Mrs Bling alive and unharmed on the local BBC news last night. Apparently she and her family have been devastated by the fire at Bling House, which investigators now believe was caused by 'discarded smoking materials'.

Sporting a jaunty T-shirt bearing the slogan '100% Werth it', Mrs Bling reassured the reporter during the live interview that the insurance would pay for everything to be restored to its former glory, right down to the Burberry wallpaper so beloved by Dickens.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Richard Rogers Roger's Richard Rogers Dodge

Roger de Courcey calls, he's in one of his animated states.

"I'm exhibiting the plans for the new ice cream kiosk in Folkestone this evening, but Sir Norm can't make it. What am I going to do? It'll be like Hamlet without the eggs."

"Calm down, Roger," I reply. "It's simple. Just hire yourself another starchitect for the evening. They're two a penny these days. I hear that even that bloody awful Noel got Daniel Libeskind to knock him up a garden shed down in Teignmouth last year."

This seems to have an immediate effect, and the last I hear is him barking orders to Nookie to find a number for Richard Rogers. Little does he know that Lord RR has already taken the Herne Bay toilet block gig. Still, I think I'll let him find that out for himself.

Any Old Iron?

With just 24 hours to go until the promised removal of the redundant street lamps here on Victoria Parade, excitement has reached fever pitch.

Already a number of families have camped out on the freshly mown grass to be in the best possible position to watch tomorrow's spectacular event. Others have celebrated by digging up the new flowers that have recently been planted by our local council, and running off with them in carrier bags.

It promises to be a big day tomorrow, and I'll be bringing you all a minute-by-minute update on how Kent County Council and their sub-contractors EDF are progressing.


I've decided that, with the rapid onset of middle age, I'm developing a bit of a roof over the tool shed. So I'm going on the Hoodia 920+ diet.

A nice man called Eisenhower D. Vesicles emailed me to tell me about this new awsomely powerful natural supplement. After trying Hoodia 920+ for a few days, Eisenhower apparently lost so much weight that he doesn't even look like the same man, and friends he hasn't seen for more than a year don't even recognise him, the change is that dramatic.

As a favour, I'm also forwarding the details to anyone who was involved in those plans to build an Anthea Turner Centre in the North Sea.

Another One Bites The Dust

It looks as if Broadstairs will now have to be renamed 'The Victorian Arsonists' Playground' following a serious fire at Charles Dickens's Bleak House last night.

According to the BBC, around 40 firefighters were called to the Bling Blaze (as it's already being dubbed) at around 9pm. Part of the floor of the bedroom where the fire started has caved in, and at the height of the conflagration the firefighting team were faced with tremendous heat and zero visibility. Fortunately Mr and Mrs Bling were not at home at the time, and nobody was hurt.

The cause of the blaze is now being investigated. Police want to interview a man seen running from the scene dressed only in a Victorian bathing costume, carrying a box of matches and a Hornby train set. He was last spotted at the top of Albion Street playing a quick chorus of 'In An English Country Garden' on a portable hurdy-gurdy.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Easter Highlights

As a service to my many readers, I have pulled together a list of some of the various shows and attractions you can enjoy around the Ile de Thanet during the Easter break.

RAMSGATE - being 'The Millionaires' Playground', and therefore the jewel in the Thanet crown, the party never stops, and this year is no exception. Enjoy a pint or two and a curry at the inaugural Planet Thanet Ale Festival on Ramsgate's not-so-trendy West Cliff. Chew the social cud with people who'll talk you through the difference between a drop of Nadgers Old Jockstrap and the rather fine Tossingtons 'Wibbly-Wobbly' India Pale Ale. Later you can hunt skate board eggs on the Main Sands, collapse paralytic, and wake up to find BMX bikers using your freshly graffitied buttocks as a ramp.

MARGATE - often described as 'The Arsonists' Playground', Margate is fun for all the family. As well as One-Eyed Pete's Big Wheelie on the seafront (Health and Safety Certificate pending), you can enjoy the thrill of dodging fat bastards on mini motos, and finding a bra for £1.99 at Primark. The Margate Windows Gardens are offering sophisticated comedy from Jim Davidson and Roy Chubby Brown, while on the way home you can savour fine dining with a warm whole brie and a giant apple pie for two at the Premier Travel Inn next to the station.

BROADSTAIRS - often described as 'The Victorian Trainspotters' Playground', Broadstairs is an eclectic mix of people in Victorian bathing costumes playing with Charles Dickens's original train set whilst performing 'Gaudete, Christus Est Natus' on Peruvian nose flutes. This year the Easter treats on offer include a giant train set (as once played with by C. Dickens Esq) in the Perriermont Hall. Follow that with a walk to Bleak House, recently renamed Bling House by the witty locals after it was purchased by a jewellery magnate.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

A Word From Our Sponsors

Convalescing here in my cliff top mansion, surrounded by flowers and cards from well wishers, I've been catching up with all the local news. A story in the Gazunder catches my eye.

Apparently there's been a lot of fuss this week over Albion House, some old khazi which stands on the East Cliff, overlooking Ramsgate's Monte Carlo style Royal Harbour. The edifice is well past its demolish-by date, and forward thinking local councillors have suggested turning it into a block of luxury flats or a Hilton Express. They are being hindered in their plans by a bunch of old fuddy-duddies, who claim the pile should be saved for the nation because Queen Victoria once had a wee there.

As ever, my quick-thinking, money-making mind comes up with a way of both conserving the place as a local amenity, and ensuring that it's no longer a drain on the public purse. Why not get Kelloggs to sponsor it, and rename it All-Bran House? Problem solved.

The same approach could be extended to other sites around the Ile which are in desperate need of tarting up, viz:

- Margate Winter Gardens to become Margate Windows Gardens
- Cliftonville Lido to become Cliftonville Ludo
- Pierremont Park Broadstairs to become Perriermont Park Broadstairs.

A further extension of the scheme could encompass entire towns in the East Kent region, e.g.:

- Sandwich becomes KFC Zinger Sandwich
- Deal becomes Big Mac Deal
- Walmer becomes 'Warmer, sponsored by Dungeness B Nuclear Power Station'.

Is there no end to my ingenuity?

An Embarrassment Of Richards

Oh dear, how frightfully Barrymore of me. I do hope this doesn't make the front page of next week's Gazunder.

To put the story straight, I'd invited Elton round for a glass or two of Krug, and he'd asked me what I'd been up to recently. I mentioned the Hairagami gig, and he demanded a demonstration. I'd completely forgotten that I was still wearing the hairband (with natural colour swatch) when I wandered over to the sink to fill the kettle for a cup of Earl Grey. The waste disposal must have been on the automatic setting. Et voila.

Elton dialled 999, of course, but then panicked about the possible adverse publicity, and hightailed it in his Lambo before the ambulance arrived.

The whole sorry episode highlights how easily these tragic incidents can happen in the home. According to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, almost 30,000 people in the UK were involved in unspecified injuries to the head whilst performing unspecified activities in the home in 2002. I think those figures speak for themselves.

Friday, April 07, 2006

We Interrupt This Programme To Bring You An Important Announcement

We go over now live to Dermot Murnurnanahan live in our newsroom. Dermot...

Thanks Peter, and it has been announced in the past few minutes that the television, radio and internet celebrity Richard Eastcliff was found not very well today at his cliff top mansion in Ramsgate, Kent.

Mr Eastcliff, who is much loved throughout the nation by cyber nerds and couch potatoes alike, was discovered with his head trapped in a waste disposal unit. A Hairagami Hair Toolery Box was found at the scene, and it is believed that Mr Eastcliff may have been experimenting with hair substitutes.

Neighbours said that Mr Eastcliff had been taken from his home by ambulance, and had been heard to shout to onloookers: 'You can't get rid of me that easily!'

A spokesman for the QEQM Hospital in Margate said his condition was now 'satisfactory', and that he was soon expected to be sitting up and joking with nurses.

With that, it's back to you Peter.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Load Of Old Rolex

Blast. Doing the Hairagami Hour on TV Shop later, but I've been held up, running around Ramsgate, trying to find somewhere that can fix the strap on my Rolex Oyster (Whitstable Edition). It's just that it's a bit of a lucky charm, and I never perform without it.

The place is heaving with Sunseekers and Bentleys, so you'd think they'd have a Rolex shop, wouldn't you?

Climb Every Fountain

It's inevitable, I suppose, that, once let off the school leash, and given a bit of sunshine, a young man's fancy will turn to thoughts of climbing up public fountains and statues. Just as inevitable, then, that he will jump off in an attempt to impress his shy, retiring, tattoed girlfriend. At which point he will almost certainly discover one of the many unique and different ways in which a leg can be broken.

Here on the fashionable East Cliff of Ramsgate, we have many public adornments, no doubt placed here by our Victorian ancestors for the very purpose of amusing hooded teenagers sporting unmentionable piercings.

That said, I think I'd be right in saying that the Victorians at least used to put water in the fountains. Since the desertification of the South East, however, no such water has flowed, apart from on the odd official occasion, such as the Queen's birthday, when the taps are briefly turned on to perform the traditional ceremony of The Tipping In Of The Fairy Liquid.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Oh Fraptious Day!

With redundant street lamps about to be demolished, barker's nests being assiduously hoovered up by Fido, and untaxed cars being crushed all over Ramsgate, it's no wonder millionaires are pouring in from around the world to invest in the place. Only this afternoon, I spotted yet another Bentley Continental, this time in British Racing Green, sucking the pumps dry at one of our local petrol stations. I had a feeling it was Bruce, and was just about to dash over to congratulate him on his wise relocation from Ascot, when I noticed the back seat was piled high with old paint tins and bits of MDF. Oh well, it's an ill wind.

Well I'll Go To The Foot Of Our Stairs

Well, I will now, seeing as Fido's just paid a visit and left Augusta Stairs all shiny and clean. Not a B's N in sight.

Now all we need is for Fido to come round a bit more often than once a month.

Perhaps he should step on it. I know I do. Regularly.

How To Make A Billion

I see Sir Richard Branston has just sold his Virgin Mobile business to NTL for just short of £1bn. Good on you, Sir Richard! The bearded billionaire, who moved to Ramsgate a few weeks ago, shared his top tips with me over a tin of White Lightning outside Gussets (A Thorley Tavern) recently. Here are his top five:

1. Be sure your name is Richard. If it isn't, change it by deed poll.
2. Never wash, it's money down the drain.
3. Always wear plastic trousers.
4. Gissa nuvva pint yer f***er
5. All I want is 20p for a cup of tea, yer bastard.

Actually, I'm not altogether certain the sea air is suiting him.

Three Wheels On My Wagon

Is it just me, or is Margate awash with Robin Reliants? It's just that there seems to be a disproportionate number of them over there. Maybe they've all got Del Boy delusions.

Or maybe, like Margate as a whole, the wheels are coming off one by one.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Turneramaland 2 -Seed Of Sandy

Well, it looks as if my Turner exclusive earlier today was bang on the money.

I only caught it on the local news, but the 'exciting' announcement this evening seemed to consist solely of our glorious local council leader Sandy Beach wandering around the Winter Gardens staring intently at his shoes, while some ruddy looking gentleman from Kent County Council muttered about 'consultation'. Later the TV cameras showed a red patch on a map, presumably the spot where the last architect to be commissioned to build the damn thing committed hara-kiri.

If only they would let us millionaires sort it out, we'd soon have the place up and running. In Ramsgate!

Local Customs 2

Oops, sorry, my mistake. HMCC Valiant is not a nuclear warship at all, but some kind of love boat for retired VAT Inspectors, as this description I found on the web confirms:

HM Customs Cutter Valiant

Special care has been taken to provide a high standard of living accommodation for the crew during operations. Low noise levels and a relaxation area for those off-watch reduces crew fatigue. The large, well-equipped galley is designed to enable the crew to prepare meals and drinks in all sea conditions.

Enjoy the casino, chaps!

Local Customs 1

Cripes! A huge great HM Customs nuclear warship, the Valiant, has just steamed past my cliff top mansion.

I know I'm a few days late with my VAT return, but that's a bit over the top, isn't it?


Lots of bigwigs will be present at the Winter Gardens over in Arsongate tonight, debating the future of the Anthea Turner Centre.

The new, revised masterplan is to put up a couple of sheds in the car park next to where the old pier used to be before it blew away, just down from the burnt out amusement arcades, along from the boarded up shops.

I can exclusively reveal that other exciting ideas for the regeneration of the surrounding coastline will include:

- Tower of shopping trollies
- Seaweed centre
- Haunted House of Horrors (prop. S. Beach)
- Car park (multi storey)
- Old bloke picking his nose.

After the meeting, Jack Vettriano will be giving a talk on 'Why Art Matters' and signing copies of his latest work 'Sorry I Ran Off With The Milkman' (available at all good Woolworths, price £2.95).

Big Stink Over Pooland

According to today's Thanet Times, the rozzers have taken away Pooland's alcohol licence following all the kerfuffle over drugs and other rough stuff.

Apparently this is not going to help the sale by the current owners, Mr and Mrs Brown.

Cone Head

Just back from looking around Roger's new ice cream kiosk in Folkestone, and I must admit, it's pretty impressive. Quite why it needs a 14 storey atrium, I'm not sure, but then that's Sir Norm for you.

I think we prefer it a little less ostentatious over here on Ramsgate's East Cliff. Our own beautifully restored kiosk is of Ronnie Corbett proportions. Which is why I'm puzzled by the 400 foot mast that's been erected just along from the bandstand (as spotted by some of my more observant readers). Far from being a mere flag pole, it's more like something that's been salvaged from a tall ship, and gives the impression that the whole of Wellington Crescent is about to set sail for tropical climes.

Perhaps the council has taken a dislike to my jottings, and has laid secret plans to sail the entire locality off to France.

Monday, April 03, 2006


Roger de Courcey has invited me down to Folkestone tomorrow to check out the ice cream kiosk he's commissioned Sir Norman Foster to build in the harbour there. Hopefully I'll get a few tips for Barker's Nest.

It means I'll be out of blogging range for most of the day, but I'll be back later to give you all the full SP. Remember - you can't get rid of me that easily!

Let There Be Light!

After what seems like decades of telephoning, emailing, and letter writing, I finally, oh yes, finally have an answer from Kent County Council regarding the ludicrously dualled street lamps on Victoria Parade.

Here is the clinching email correspondence in full:

Dear Ms McKenzie (KCC Street Lighting Gauliter),

I am writing to ask you why all the street lamps along
Victoria Parade in Ramsgate have been 'doubled up'.

The new, 'heritage' lamps look very good, but they
have been there for weeks now, and have not yet been
put into operation. Meanwhile, the old lamps are still
standing side by side with the new.

When will the new lamps be turned on, and the old
lamps removed?

Yours sincerely,

Richard Eastcliff
Clifftop Mansion
Victoria Parade

And the response, from KCC's Street Lighting Engineer Jim Scott:

Dear Mr Eastcliff

The EDF services are programmed to be transferred from the old columns to the new on the 11th April 2006.

The Street Lighting Contractor has been advised of this date so that removal of the old columns can be programmed to coincide with the EDF works.

If in the mean time I can be of any further assistance please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Jim Scott Street Lighting Engineer
East Kent Division

So 11th of April it is then, hurrah! I wonder if I should get Anthea to come down and help with a celebrity turn-on?

Trend Game

Well, the season's almost upon us, so now's the time to predict what fashion trends we'll see around the Ile de Thanet for summer 2006. Here's what I've managed to glean from a brief conflab with my glitterati friends.

Going Up
- Primark track suits
- Faux diamond studded pit bull collars
- Metallic paint jobs (N-reg Fiestas, Davros undercarriages, hair dos)
- Mayfair cigarettes
- White Lightning cider
- Garden gnomes
- Zimmer frames
- House prices (Ramsgate)
- Crime figures (Birchington)
- Police response times (everywhere)
- Libraries, amusement arcades (in smoke)

Going Down
- IQs
- House prices (Birchington)
- Libraries, amusement arcades (in flames)
- Er, that's it.

If any of my observant readers have spotted any other trends, do let me know.

Hair Trigger

Just got a letter from the production company that's making 'The Rich List'. Apparently they will not be requiring my services. That's the last time I get my coiffeur done locally. It wasn't so much a hair do as a hair don't.

Which makes it all the more surprising that TV Shop have asked me to present the Hairagami Hour later in the week.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Bentley Does It

Strolling along the prom, as is my wont on a Sunday afternoon, that bloody awful Noel cruises past in his silver Bentley Continental. I know this is the new millionaires' playground, but please, we could do without the likes of him around here.

I noticed, though, that he didn't park up. Probably put off by the track-suited pit bull tuggers, who seem to constantly walk up and down the road like clockwork soldiers, eyes permanently to the right, peering into car windows. God knows why, maybe it's vanity, although most of them are so repulsive they could curdle milk just by looking at it.

Beer Me Up, Scotty

Banners are going up all around town, advertising the Planet Thanet Ale Festival 2006. The Festival, which is taking place on Easter Friday and Saturday, will be situated over on the less trendy West Cliff, and promises 40 kinds of beer, as well as two types of curry.

The official website says 'It's all systems go'. Quite. Let's pray the wind's not blowing in this direction on those two days.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Wheelie Good News

Time to announce the winner of the Eastcliff Richard Competition To Find Something To Do With Dreamland, and, well, frankly I'm disappointed. Some of the more promising entries were:

- Arsonworld
- Thorleyworld
- Hamster Juggling
- The 'You Looking At Me Or What?' Hall of Mirrors
- Synchronised Pocket Billiards (local constabulary)
- Guff Lighting Displays on the beach opposite.

But really, as for the rest, what a sorry lot you all are.

After consulting with Elton, we have decided to award the prize of the Eastcliff Richard Memorial Gold Barker's Nest to One-Eyed Pete, the man who is single-handedly revitalising the Dreamland site, for his brave attempt at combining local authority policy with a mass visitor attraction. From One-Eyed Pete's new 148ft 'Big Wheelie Bin', crammed in the hole on the promenade where the last attraction burnt down, amazed visitors will be able to spy:

- Ye Turdy Rock (natural coastal formation)
- Birchington World of Crime
- Anthea Turner Centre (car park only).

Pete, known by his carny friends as 'Rusty Nuts' (presumably from his ginger demean), promises even more spectacular rides in the near future. Good luck with the 'Big Wheelie', and God bless/help all who sail in her.

April Fool's Gold

On my morning stroll along the promenade, I noticed all the old, redundant street lamps had gone, as had the temporary cyclone fencing, which had been replaced with permanent railings. Come to think of it, the pavements were clean and all the graffiti had been scrubbed off the Monte Carlo style casino. In the Marina, the Sultan of Brunei was having a party on his £200m yacht, and walking back up King Street, there was a brand new Harvey Nic's I hadn't noticed before, with Sir Alan Sugar pulling up in his Bentley Corniche. And, as a polite young man, out walking his King Charles Spaniel in his D&G jeans, doffed his Armani hood and wished me a jovial 'Good morning!', Gordon Ramsay came out of his new restaurant on the other side of the street. Then, glancing down at my Rolex, I noticed the date, and realised I shouldn't have taken that extra sleeping tablet last night.