Thursday, November 30, 2006

Ramsgate Woman Claims She Was 'Stalked' By Celebrity

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Reporter

Local millionaire celebrity Mr Richard Eastcliff has apologised to a Ramsgate woman he said he was going to marry, after she dubbed him a 'stalker' and a 'freak'.

The woman, gorgeous 30 hum-ti-tum estate agent Frances Oapen, described Mr Eastcliff as 'a sad freak' and 'a little pr*ck' on her website, Franorama, adding that she would 'tear him a new A hole'.

According to the charming and delightful Ms Oapen, she had only agreed to go to dinner with Ramsgate's foremost entertainer and writer, and that nothing had been said about an engagement.

Mr Eastcliff has now apologised to the lovely Ms Oapen, admitting that he 'might have gone off half cock', and has invited her to a slap-up candlelit dinner to make amends.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Millionaire Celebrity To Wed Ramsgate Woman

Isle of Thanet Gazunder World Exclusive

Local celebrity millionaire Mr Richard Eastcliff has announced his engagement to a Ramsgate woman. The mystery bride-to-be is 30 hum-ti-tum estate agent Frances Oapen.

The couple, who are set to be the toast of Thanet, met on the internet. A delighted Mr Eastcliff told The Gazunder: 'It was love at first byte. When I saw Frances had started a new blog, I just couldn't resist getting in touch with her.'

He continued: 'I popped the question over the weekend, and I'm happy to say she readily accepted the invitation to be my gorgeous new beard, er bride.' Ms Oapen was unavailable for interview as the Gazunder went to press.

The couple are now believed to be planning a fairytale wedding somewhere in the South of France. Bidding for the exclusive rights to cover the nuptials is expected to start at upwards of £1m. (All offers to Mr R. Eastcliff, Cliff Top Mansion, Victoria Parade, Ramsgate, Kent)

Dire Rear

Well that's the last time I spend a long weekend binging on champagne and exotic food. Talk about a burning ring of fire.

Ooops, must dash, I think the world's about to drop out of my bottom again.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Heston's Services

Off to the country for an extended weekend with my cookery chum Heston Bloominhell, so I'll be off air for a few days.

I'm hoping that a few hearty suppers of slug bladder paté in a bat urine jus will recharge the batteries and restore the old Eastcliff constitution.

If that doesn't do the trick I'll just have to resort to a £500 a day cocaine and vodka habit like the rest of my showbiz colleagues. The pressure, darling, the pressure.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Art Attack

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Handyman Barry Chuckle

People often ask me: "Barry, I'm thinking of building a large art gallery in the North Sea. Do you have any tips?"

First thing to do is get your tools together. For a job this size I'd recommend at least a power screwdriver, and, of course, your underwater breathing apparatus (Netto do an own-brand aqualung at £9.99). Don't forget to source some rustproof six inch nails from your local DIY store. A tide table might also come in handy.

Once you've drawn up your plans (Snohetta's have some good ones at £7m), it's just a matter of putting in some piling to a depth of 45 metres, and you're away! Oh, and don't forget to buy some paintings for when it's finished (Woolworths do some terrific Jack Vettrianos at £19.95).

And remember my golden DIY rule: If it ain't broke, you haven't fixed it!

One In A Million

Can't say too much about this, but there's a point in every millionaire celebrity's life when his thoughts turn to fairytale castles, hoards of paparazzi, and selling the photo rights to OK for a million smackeroos.

Then there's the publicity from naming your children Dasher, Dancer, Donna, Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, Prancer, and Vixen.

Oh dear, I think I might be giving too much away. Best to keep schtum for now.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Cop Out

How was I to know he was a Chief Superintendent out shopping for lingerie on a day off? And Fat Kev was only doing his duty by flattening him when he got a bit shirty.

Philthy Rich? It's turning out ot be more like Police, Camera, Traction!

Philming Update

Off to shoot another hilarious episode of 'Philthy Rich' this afternoon. I'm not sure I'm coming across 100% in the role of Miltiades Papanikoiaou, Manager of the Human Recourses department of Athens Financial Group ltd and give me all your bank account details please thank you.

Still, at least they've let me bring along my security consultant (Fat Kev) this afternoon. I've a feeling I'm going to need him.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Nobby News

I see my old pal Nobby Stewart has been elevated to the giddy heights of permanent anchor on ITV's Lunchtime News, following the departure of Nicholas Owen to BBC News 24.

I recall being in the green room after guesting on his programme once, and hearing the diminutive Gnews Gnome ask another guest, an eminent medical chap, if it was possible to get AIDS from a blow job. Nicholas Owen, on the other hand, would never have dreamed of being so inquisitive, preferring to spend most of his spare time trainspotting.

Quite reminiscent of the old days, when Martin Lewis defected from ITV to the BBC, and ITV hit back by poaching Julia Somerville in what was forever thereafter referred to as a 'tit for tat' exchange.

Eastcliffy Circus

Flaming Nora, the old East Cliff is a hive of activity this morning!

They're improving the junction by the Granville 'Theatre Cinem', and traffic will apparently be backed up all the way to Hastings for the next 14 weeks!

One poor chap had clearly had enough, and decided to use our super-duper new out-of-this-world international rock and pop venue (aka The Eastcliff Bandstand) as a roundabout:

Oh yes, it's all go here on the East Cliff. Hedges are being trimmed by the council, and the developers of The Granville have reinstated their sign:

Even the steroid-enhanced KFC gulls have decided today's the day to pick off a small boat.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Ye Cannae Change The Laws Of Physics

Except on the Ile de Thanet, of course. The headline on the front page of the latest edition of 'Thanet Matters', our local council's free, er, magazine, trumpets: Preserving Our Area - Conservation In Action.

In fact lots of things here on Ramsgate's East Cliff have been preserved for quite some time now thanks to conservation inaction, and the peculiar laws of quantum mechanics that apply on Uranus.


Scaffolding in Augusta Road. Been there for the best part of a year.


Pleasurama. Burnt down seven years ago.

The Granville. Partly rebuilt a while back, but not this bit which, according to planning permission granted years ago, should look like this by now:


Temporary fencing on our crumbling cliff top. Been there for almost two years, and more keeps going up every week.


October 2006 - the developer's sign goes up.

November 2006 - the developer's sign comes down.


'Nuff said.

Sunday, November 19, 2006


Well if it's good enough for that fellow who starred in that Top Gear film, it's good enough for me. I've decided I'm going to have my own fairytale wedding. Besides, the publicity won't do me any harm.

Now all I need is a suitable bride. Anyone out there prepared to take my ever-so-slightly camp image away?

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Asbo You Like It

Tottering through those rather dingy back streets last night after an evening of charity fundraising for Gaddfathers In Need, I realised I'd unwittingly strayed into the new East Cliff No Bozo Asbo Zone.

Apparently the area is now under martial law, with armed rozzers ready to shoot on sight any unruly gathering of two or more people. Realising that, despite being on my tod, I could nevertheless still be construed as 'an unruly gathering' by Her Majesty's Finest, I scuttled along, hoping to vacate the area unnoticed.

So imagine my dismay when, rounding a corner, I came across an unruly gathering of Peelers. They gave me the once-over as I shuffled past, but thankfully they seemed to be preoccupied with deciding which of the three of them was going to arrest the other two.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Doing The Hokey-Pokey

I see that some of the local residents around here are complaining that our super-duper new out-of-this-world international rock and pop venue (aka The Eastcliff Bandstand) has been the scene of some 'dirty dancing' recently.

Apparently young couples have been spotted in the dead of night doing more than just the conga, if you catch my drift, and outraged Eastcliffers are now demanding that something is done about it. They claim that such activites are being encouraged by the garish new lighting system.

Well, it works for moths I suppose.

Bikenews Margate

I see Man Eating Sausage In Wenceslas Square has got himself into a spot of bother with some Hell's Angels. The language!

Well what do you expect if you insist on hooning down the M2 at 100mph in a Transit van, concentrating more on your pie/hole interface than the other road users around you? Really Tony!

I often get my old throbber out and give it a thrash in the sun. I've offered to take Tony around the Ile on the back, to give him the two-wheeled perspective on things, but for some reason he's declined.

Perhaps he's studied a pie chart and seen how risky it is.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Goaled 'n Brown

Aaaah! That's better. I can feel the colour returning to my cheeks already.

And just in time - I'm expecting several coachloads of footie fans to arrive any minute. Apparently, that famous radio presenter from Margate who now lives in London has added a link on some Margate FC forum to my Sandy Raps video.

Now, what should I wear when I meet Becks?

Hacked Off

Blogging hell! Have you seen what's happened to my humble jottings? They look like they've had a makeover from some hippy on an LCD trip. I've been racking my brains and come up with three theories:

A: It's the work of those dark forces on the Ile who would be happy to see me relocate to Great Yarmouth.

B: Dr Biggles has finally cracked my password, and in a fit of maniacal rage crashed his teeny-tiny plane into my gubbins.

C: I was fiddling with my blog settings and twiddled the wrong knob.

I'm not paranoid (although I know for definite there's someone who thinks I am), but I reckon we can reasonably discount option C.

Good job Laurence gave me his number at that Changing Rooms wake a couple of years ago. If only I could find the bit of paper he wrote it on.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Council Leader Takes To The Rap

Lumme! I've got an old chum who works at one of those media training companies, and he's sneaked me a peak at some video work they did with our local council recently.

I didn't know Sandy had it in him!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Gone Philming

Phew! Feeling less groggy today, which is a good thing, as I'll need my wits about me for the new show I'm shooting this week for one of the, um, cable channels.

It's called 'Philthy Rich!', and the hilarious idea is that I'm secretly filmed in shopping malls and high streets trying to con members of the public into parting with their hard earned mazonga. Sort of like those internet phishing scams that keep popping up in my email.

I did express a concern that I might not be the best person for the job, as I'm bound to be recognised. But the producer said they couldn't afford Davro, and then made some off-colour remark about me not even getting recognised if I was chucking £50 notes off the top of Nelson's Column dressed in nothing but my birthday suit.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Wino Blog

Eurgh! My head! That Dr McJobby turned out to be a bit of raver. After our Channel 4 meeting, she took me on to her juice bar, and things just snowballed from there.

Where's the Alka-Seltzer?

Friday, November 10, 2006

We apologise for the interruption to our scheduled programmes. This is due to a fault on our Ramsgate transmitter. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

In the meantime, here is some music.

Firming Up My Next Job

Just finished lunch with that Dr Gillian McJobby woman, here in the busy cyber caff at Channel 4. We've discussed the finer points of the show, and now she's nipped off to the ladies.

She's asked me to keep a stool free, but I'm not sure how long I can hang onto it.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

What Shall We Do With A Drunken German?

While away the office tedium, that's what!

My old chum Scottie, that chap with the dilithium crystals in his Reg Grundies, has sent me a link to a splendid game, in which you're required to keep a drunk German upright on his late night trek home from the bar for as long as possible. Just move your mouse from left to right, and you'll soon get the hang of it. Or not, as the case may be. The furthest I got was 59 metres, perhaps it helps to be drunk when you play it.

I was tempted to refer to it as the 'Lucy Mail Simulator', given all her alcohol-fuelled antics over on Ramsgate Tourettes. But then I realised she hasn't got a beard.

Well, not as far as I know.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Turner Centre Required Massive Piles

More news about that Turnip Centre those chaps from the council wanted to erect in the, er, mud off the Arsonists' Playground.

According to Kent Online, who have managed to get hold of a copy of the report into the 'Turnip Offshore' debacle, the thing would have needed 45 metre piles just to avoid being blown over by a strong puff of wind!

Now I'm sure I could come up with a joke that involved the words 'wind', 'piles', and 'art'. But you'll have to pay me £8m first.

Crappy Christmas

I'm thinking of bringing out one of those cheap and cheerful Christmas books, so yesterday I had a shufti around W H Smith to get a feel for the competition.

I must say, I was shocked at the number of titles incorporating the S-word. In addition to the above work of literary genius, you could also fill your Auntie Doris's stocking with Old Shite's Almanac, I'm Dreaming Of A Shite Christmas, and How To Shit Around The World.

Assuming your Auntie Doris is compos mentis and hasn't done all the stocking filling herself, that is.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


I'll have to call Jack Barclay again and cancel that Bentley order. I've just heard that Des O'Flipping Connor has pipped me to the post for Countdown. If I'd known they wanted another Des, I'd have changed my name to Des Res.

Property News

Yippee! My cliff top mansion has increased in value by 15%, and I've only been in Ramsgate a year! I think I'll re-mortgage and buy a Bentley!

Back In The U$$R

Yikes! I missed out on a bit of a treat in Amsterdam last month, The Millionaire Fair 2006.

One of my commentators, a Mr Milo Sovich, has pointed me in the direction of the Fair's website. Organised by Russkies, the blurb spells out who it's aimed at:

The target audience is consumers of the high-end luxury segment, VIP’s, the political, administrative, business and cultural elite.

Sounds like my kind of thing. What could I have seen there?

For four days all odors of luxury lifestyle was able to see and buy the best the international luxury industry has to offer.

All odors, eh? Well I'm a big cheese. But what I'm really after is a squire meter.

In compare with last year Millionaire Fair becomes twice bigger, as for quantity of participants as well for squire meters.

No worries on that score, then. Must book ahead for next year!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Eamonn Low

Look, I'm not normally one to gloat about a fellow celeb's bad luck, but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Remember I auditioned for a new game show back in March, The Rich List? Eventually I lost out to TBA Noel. Later, though, he said he was too busy shifting some boxes to take up the offer, and so it was passed to Eamonn Holmes.

Now the trade papers are reporting that The Rich List has been pulled by Fox in the US after just one show! That's a whole 60 minutes of US fame for our Eamonn! Eamonn's no Sherlock, I can tell you, but even he must be getting the message that he's not wanted.

Meanwhile, ABC have beamed up William Shatner for a new, blockbuster, primetime game show. I wish Bill the best of luck, you need a lot of bottle for these big money bunfights.

Hopefully, though, the captain's log has got a lot firmer since he did those All-Bran commercials.

Cigar Butts And Butt Cigars

Stuck here in my domicile at 'the edge of teh known world', I've been feeling increasingly less important. I suppose it would be different if I lived near a throbbing metropolis like, say, Birchington.

So to puff myself up a bit, I spent yesterday at the old pied-a-tèrre in Chelsea. It's just a small terrace on Cheyne Walk, nothing too flash. I've been renting it to a producer pal of mine, who made the odd bob or two out of some game show. Entangled in a few domestic difficulties recently (= ran off with the production co-ordinator), he needed a bolt hole.

He's moved out now, but cripes, the way he's left it! Beer bottles, old Havana cigars, and as for the state of the dunny. Well, I've heard of roll your own, but that's taking it a bit too far.

I'll have to call in those cleaning ladies from Channel 4.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Things That Go 'F' In The Night

You know me, I'm all for 24 hour cafe culture, but the number of times I'm woken up in the middle of the night by people shouting and swearing since the licensing laws were changed is definitely on the rise.

The last thing I want to know at four in the morning is that somebody's 'effing mother is effing pregnant again and in effing prison for effing knifing someone'. Really!

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Bit Of A Fizzer

The Broadstairs fireworks display tonight was a bit of a fizzer. Not least because it's tomorrow night.

Like most of the large crowd standing around listlessly on Preacher's Knoll this evening, Angela and I had read in the local papers that tonight was the night.

A serious case of Boredstares all round.


Those garlic-munching muppéts at EDF blew another fuse this afternoon. Now I'll have to set the clock on the blinking Bang and Oluffsen.

It's sabotage, I tell you. They just can't bear the thought of Ramsgate being more chic than Cannes!


Flaming bungalows! That Gazunder reporter must be a rampant leftie or something! What does he mean, deriding our local planning department like that?

As one of the pillars of the regeneration community, I'll have you know that I've had many successful dealings with Plan-It Thanet.

They're especially good when it comes to understanding the needs of your average property developer, and helping out with all those awkward rules and regulations that seem to get in the way these days. Like having to incorporate a 'social housing' (yurgh!) element into your luxury block.

For example, I've got my eye on this little number in Cliftonville:

A snip at £5.6m. What do the agents say?

We our privileged to be offering this prime residential site for re-development. Located on the seafront in Cliftonville, Margate, where, the wider regeneration story is attracting extensive inward investment to the area.

Sounds great! Sea views, and there's planning permission to knock it all down and bung up 140 luxury apartments! But what about that troublesome 'social housing' (yurgh!) element? No worries:

The planning consent includes an approved 106 agreement, which confirms the social housing element of the consent as 19 apartments, which are all located off seafront position.

So the oiks have to sit in the cheap seats! Hurrah!

I expect those nice Paigle people who did up the Sea Bathing Hospital will get something like that written into their planning consent for the Lido.

And I have to applaud our glorious council leader Sandy Beach taking a firm stance, during his recent interview about Ramsgate's new Pleasurama development with BBC South East News. Asked whether it would include a social housing (yurgh!) element, his response was: 'We are building social housing, but not here.' At which point he gestured vaguely in the direction of Westwood.

Still, there are some nice views to be had at Westwood. I hear the sun setting over Wickes is very Turner-esque. Plus, if you get inspired, you don't have to go too far for the paint!

Friday, November 03, 2006

New Measures Ordered By Council Planning Chiefs

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Staff

Stationers and DIY stores across Thanet have reported a rush on rulers and tape measures after bungling council experts were fined for saying a three storey building would only be two storeys high.

The knob-knuckled bureaucrats have already been described as one of the worst planning departments in the country. Now they stand accused of not knowing their roof from their basement.

Other developments which are thought to have been affected by oversize oversights are:

• Pleasurama development. Planners say that the new, £200m development of 1400 luxury apartments and five luxury hotels will be no higher than the crumbling East Cliff, but a source told the Gazunder that he'd seen drawings which 'made the Empire State Building look like a kiosk'.

• Turner Centre. Far from coming 'onshore', according to the Gazunder's source plans drafted by the department show it covering much of the Thames Estuary.

• Dreamland. Again, our source says that the council's planners have included huge new rides and attractions to rival the likes of Disney World! Shurely shome mishtake - Ed.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Christmas - It's Great!

by Thanet SadScene staff

Yes, your super, soaraway SadScene's got everything wrapped up for Christmas in Thanet!!!

So if you're looking for great gift ideas, festive family fun, or something a bit different, we've saved you the bother of shopping around!

Christmas is a time for inviting friends and family into your home. But they won't feel at ease if the plaster's hanging off the wall. Call Wantsum Walls on 01843 777777.

What could be worse than cold turkey on Christmas Day? And with the winter weather here, now's the time to service that old boiler in the kitchen. Call ThanetGas on 01843 888888.

The holly's up, the Christmas lights are working, but there's something missing. A patio! No Yuletide is complete without one! Call Slab-O-Rama on 01843 999999.

Get your glad rags on for Christmas! Don't miss out on Asda's new range of snug fit, £5 leggings for the larger woman. George 'W-bush' range available at all local stores.

Are you sure about that last one? Ed.

Rocket Science

Angela calls to say she'll be down at the weekend, and would I like to go to a bonfire party?

"Of course," I say. "I like to let one off at least once a year."

"Where shall we go, then?"

Hmmm. Apparently she'd like me to take her to an organised display. Trouble is, being new to the area, I'm not sure which would be the best, and I don't fancy schlepping all the way to Edenbridge to see that portly chap from Channel 4 Racing fry.

Must do a bit of research. Where to start? What about the council website? Nope. Nada. Maybe fireworks and Uranus don't mix.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Noel Show

One thing I'm certainly not doing tonight is watching my old chum Sir Trev hand out those rather ornate ear trumpets at the National Television Awards on ITV1.

The show was taped last night, my ticket must have somehow been lost in the post. Good job too, as TBA Noel picked up a gong for Best Daytime TV Show, although he wasn't there to collect it personally (thus saving many of the audience from having to re-acquaint themselves with their dinners).

But I have made a date to watch Madonna's first BBC interview since adopting a child from Malawi on Newsnight later. I've seen the previews, and she seems to be hell-bent on parading her black roots. The state of her hair!

See View

As part of my campaign to generate better publicity for the north of the Ile, and to avoid enforced relocation to a much smaller property six feet under the Sandwich by-pass, I've decided to invest in a pair of Ben Sherman 'Margate' sunglasses.

They're a snip at $175, and come in four colours - Tortoise Shell, Black, Check, and, er, Dog. There's a range of lenses too. I'm opting for the rose-tinted.