Faecebook

Oh dear. I seem to be on a bit of a toilet roll with these headlines.

So, multi-zillionaire Mark Zuckerberg's Facebook is currently robo-generating one-minute films from your top photos and comments on the social networking site to 'celebrate' its tenth anniversary. If you're on FB, you'll have already seen them, no doubt. Some geek in California has written a bit of software code, and hey presto! - now your best bits are a video, complete with a music track that smells of pure American cheese. An infinite number of monkeys in an infinite number of Avid edit suites would have done a better job, but there you go.

Any-old-hoo, when I went to look at mine, I didn't have one! Apparently my life is so dull that it doesn't even warrant 60 seconds to cover the last decade! I know, you're shocked, aren't you?!?!

No matter, reader John has come to my rescue, and put the above BAFTA nominated piece together. Thanks John!

And while we're on the topic of technology, Apple is giving me the pip. I've used the firm's stuff since Steve Jobs was a foetus, but in the last few years its products have proven shoddy and unreliable. iPads have stopped working, iPhones have developed an inner life of their own, and laptops have burnt out. Its not just me that's suffered, friends have too. You only have to look at the 10 mile queues at the Genius Bars in your local Apple Stores to see that something's gone a bit wormy.

None of that is at all relevant to Ramsgate in particular, or the Ile de Thanet in general. But then that doesn't seem to trouble you lot much when it comes to comments, does it?!

Baftas Get Dafter

Phew! What a night of glittering twitterati at the Royal Opera House! Unfortunately my own epic, Smell the Profit for the Polish Cheese Board, didn't make the cut. But I did get to cut the cheese, serve the wine and hand out the vol au vents, which weren't exactly going like hot cakes I can tell you. And what a shame little Dusty got, er, tired and emotional. Still, he's so short I don't think anyone noticed any difference when he sank into the red carpet.

Back here in my London pied a terre I'm still perplexed by what Prince William is rumoured to have whispered to dear, lovely Uma!

Beach To Be Beached?

Just back from my triumph at the Baftas having handled Harry's Bentley with style and aplomb, only once scraping it on a pesky bollard round the back of Leicester Square. I don't think he'll notice, he's as blind as a bat, and besides he'll be too euphoric to whinge after scooping a couple of gongs. Good to see Brucie getting a fellowship too, although I did catch a glimpse of 'Mr Entertainment' and I fear he ain't going to make the transition to HD TV without a lot more, er, work. The poor old fella's got more lines than a Tube map.

Speaking of 'dos', I'm told by the Standards Board for England, which oversees ethics at local councils, that its deliberations in Fannit's famous 'f*cking tosser' complaint have now concluded, and that the adjudication will be published 'within the next two weeks'. Regular readers will remember our glorious Tory leader, Sandy Beach, was alleged to have called the Mayor of Margate a 'f*cking tosser' at a black tie do in April last year, and apparently said to another Labour councillor who attempted to intervene: 'Come on, just put your face in mine.'

Word on the Ile's grubby streets is that Mr Beach may not come out of it too well, and could be forced to step down. Leaving the way open for, er... Well, maybe you'd like to make your own suggestions from the list of Dad's Army duffers who currently run the place. Or perhaps they'll go for 'new blood'? Step forward Councillor McSniggles?

Sandy: 'F*cking tosser!'

Bafta Is The Best Medicine

Really, I can't hide my disappointment that the British Academy of Film and Television Arts have yet again eschewed my suggestion that they hold the TV Baftas at our Granville Theatre and Cinem here in the Millionaires' Playground.

Still, I suppose a weekend in the Smoke will make a nice change. And it'll be good to see my old TV chum Harry Hill, who's up for a gong. I'm going to be accompanying him to the Awards and then we're off to one of those media parties. Moreover, being the splendidly generous chap he is, he's said I can do anything I like with the Bentley during the ceremony, and keep the cap and uniform afterwards!

The Lunch Bunch

More good news on the work front. A well-known publisher has offered a substantial advance for my autobiography. Hurrah! Next stop, Richard and Judy!

Consequently I've been rifling through the old Eastcliff diaries and they make fascinating reading. Here are some scintillating examples:

5 July 94 - Lunch with xxxxx xxxxxxxx in Covent Garden. Offered free tickets to the British Grand Prix, but had to decline due to imminent departure for the villa in the south of France.
6 July 94 - Lunch in Chelsea with BBC exec to discuss my upcoming series.
11 Aug 94 - Chat with Chief Presidential Advisor on Whitehouse lawn. Followed by lunch.
19 Aug 94 - ITV interview with xxxxx xxxxxxxx cancelled due to the latter being a bit, er, worse for wear. Dinner in Covent Garden.
25 Aug 94 - Sally Line ferry on fire out of Ramsgate. Lunch with xxxxxx xxxxx in Islington.

Gripping stuff I'm sure you'll agree. I've disguised the names to protect the guilty, and, more to the point, make you pay for the book when it comes out!

Ted Dead?

Well I must say the Baftas weren't quite what I expected last night. Much of the razzmatazz seems to have gone now that they've moved them to the Granville CineTheatre here on our East Cliff, and there were more pensioners sporting Dannimacs than I recall from previous awards nights. Come to think of it, there didn't seem to be any awards either.

And what's happened to my erstwhile commentator Dane Valley Ted? His blog appears to have been overrun by some gambling nonsense. And as a consequence the Thanet Blog List Recent Feeds page is turning into one humungous great bookie's ad.

I wonder if this is some money-making scheme DVT's come up with? Or perhaps he's cashed in his chips? If you're out there, Ted, give us a sign.

Baftas

Must dash - just off to the Baftas. And so handy to get to this year!