Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Silly Clot

Yikes! According to the quack I've got a spot of thrombosis in the old gammy leg! Still, the drugs should help thin the blood. I'll just have to be careful not to slice my thumb while I'm chopping the lemon for my aperitif ce soir.

That's a point, do Warfarin and alcohol mix? Oh well, I'll let you know in the morning I suppose!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Yeast Of The Want Some

Haha! Now I'm playing up to it! Looking back on yesterday's item it does appear that I was still suffering from a bit of concushion. I'm fine now, though. Realy, I am. And a huge ECR 'Mwah!' for all the cards, flowers and god wishes. Here's this week's East of the Wantsum. As ever, clilck on the image to big it up!

Friday, September 25, 2009

My Big Brake

Well that's the last time I'lll be whiping out my throber for a bit. Cuntry road, Fiesta pullls from left out without looking, BANG! Fibier and tibier broken in three places, nasty blow to the bonse, bike a right offf. Hospittal for several days but no long term brain dammage acording to the quacks. Back at the old clilff tope manshion recooperating in a caste. Flashbasks are a buggger though.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

East Of The Wantsum

Here's this week's East of the Wantsum. Click it to big it.

Right, it's a lovely day, I've polished up me helmet and I'm off to give me old throbber a thrashing! BCNU!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Thanet Blog Wins Politics Award

The votes are in for Tory funded Total Politics magazine's 100 best political blogs in the UK... and the winner is [drum roll]... Doctor Councillor Simon Moores (Conservative) for his veteran island blog Thanet Life!!! Hurrah!

Er, no, wait a minute, I've come over all Wogan there. No, the winner, according to Total Politics' founder and Tory doyenne of blogging, Kent's own Iain Dale (Mrs) actually is... [Get on with it - Ed]... Councillor Mark Nottingham (Labour) for his newbie Thanet blog From One End of Kent!!!! Double hurrah!!!

Although he's actually only made it to 99 out of 100 in the Labour Blogs category. And, um, they've called him From One End of Paint. Still, we'll, er, gloss over that, eh?

Click here to see Total Politics Top 100 Labour Blogs
Click here for local winner
Click here for local loser

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Things They Say...

We've had the worries of lead-painted toys from China and you may have heard that many Chinese health remedies are equally contaminated. Now its the turn of clothes, with news that cheap clothes made in China have been found to contain high levels of Formaldehyde to protect clothes that have to be shipped great distances against mildew.

Long-term exposure to the chemical in high levels can be harmful, causing problems ranging from minor skin rashes to some types of cancer.

Let's be frank though. Given the way the Chinese treat their own population and pollute their environment, does anyone really believe that in the pursuit of "Golden grease", factory owners are really going to pay too much attention to our European health and safety laws? I rather think not.

Thanet Council Cabinet Member Simon Moores, 21/8/2007

9/10/2008 - Thanet Council grant planning permission for China Gateway
29/8/2009 - Thanet Council close Margate old town without notice to schmooze Chinese officials

Transport News

My spies across the water with the dapper moustaches and the 'little grey cells' tell me that the ferry Primrose is steaming back to Ramsgate. If you recall, it was taken out of service by TransEuropa back in June, and chartered off to do a Spain/Morocco run. Although it was supposed at the time we would never see the thing in the Millionaires' Playground again, reader Hercule now writes:

Primrose is back in Ostend. I do not know why, maybe back in service? TEF logo is not yet on the ship. After a charter in Spain he returned, but for how long...

Primrose left this (Wednesday) evening for Ramsgate.

Hurrah! Still no sign of anything faster making the Boulogne run, though.

Meanwhile tonight's the night the Airport Rubber Stamping Committee meets to, er, rubber stamp the council's Daft Consultation Plan for all night flying over Ramsgate. I'm told a fully fledged residents' group has now been set up to fight the move, which would see knackered old jumbos full of rotting bananas allowed to rattle your windows and blast the tiles off your roof at any time during the small wee hours.

Coincidently, it seems, our very own international man of mystery and head of SMEG Steve Higgins has closed his Stop Manston Expansion Group blog, ending on a high with the news that Flybe's Jersey route from Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport was such a success this year that, er, they're not repeating the exercise next year!

Click here for Stop Manston Expansion Group
Click here to sign the NO NIGHT FLIGHTS! petition

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Vote For Plain Jane!

As one (if not the) superstar of the Thanet creative writing firmament, I like to give a helping hand to struggling local authors. Apart from the fat, hypocritical, thin-skinned ones from Margate that is, who seem to think it's fair game to bite the helping hand that feeds them. But no, I promised I wouldn't go there again. Besides, there's no more I can do on that score that a decent spellchecker couldn't accomplish.

So it is that I bring to your attention something I stumbled upon on the interthingo the other day, whilst I was cruising for a cottage in the Kent countryside as a possible retreat from the madding metropolis that is the Millionaires' Playground. It seems that the Jane Austen de nos jours, et de notre ile, Jane Wenham-Jones... should I continue this in French? It would sort out the riff-raff, wouldn't it? No? Well, anyway, JWJ is up for the Booker Prize! Um, no, er, that should read the 'People's Book Prize', a prestigious literary accolade awarded by popular vote, very much like my own TV Times Award for Most Promising New Celebrity (1993).

Jane's excellent tome wannabe a writer? [Some capital letters might be a good start - Ed] is currently in fourth place with 327 people's votes, just behind three others, naturally enough. Topping the poll is some turgid read about the US and Russian empires, penned by no less an author than Brian Landers [Never heard of him - Ed] who just happens to be a director of Penguin.

So why not tool along and pop your electronic 'X' in the box for one of our local heroines? Surely she deserves it more than some publishing potentate? I know she lives in Broadstairs, but she can't help that, poor love. Go on, whaddya waiting for?!?!???!!!

Click here to register and vote for wannabe a writer?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Night Flights 'Consultation' A Stitch-Up

Well, here I am back in the comfort of the old cliff top mansion in the old Millionaires' Playground, after my old trip to foreign climes! I'm sure you're all going to give me a warm welcome home. In fact the dog poo on the hall carpet was still warm. Which was a nice touch.

And no sooner am I back in harness, than I've thrown myself headlong into investigating these noxious night flights that the owners of Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport have requested. Remember, it's not just an extra 90 minutes kip they want to deprive you off. They've put in for a 'quota' system that will allow them to fly knackered old Jumbos full of rotting bananas over your bonces all night. Quite what the quota will be, nobody knows, as they haven't specified what they want. How any sort of meaningful 'consultation' can be held when the terms of the request aren't known, lord knows!

They say that this so far meaningless 'quota' system applies at other regional airports. Well, I've searched Google maps high and low, and I can't find any other regional airport with a town of 40,000 people and 911 listed buildings at the end of the runway. But there's more.

Ever since the airport's foreign owners Infratil put in this request last month, mystery and confusion has surrounded the 'consultation' period. If I was a cynical sort, I might say that was a deliberate tactic on the part of those supposedly 'impartial' council officers who are well known privately to be rabid supporters of noisy, aluminium lumps robbing us of our hard-earned nightly snooze. Eventually it transpired that there was a 6 month 'consultation' period, with a 12 week public 'consultation' period to start after the next Airport Working Party Committee meeting (chaired by Tory poodle Cllr Mike Harrison). Trouble was, there wasn't another committee meeting scheduled until next year, although one has now been hastily arranged and will take place this Thursday. So the public 'consultation' starts 21 September and ends 11 December.

The surprise is that the clock is already ticking on the 6 month (er, what shall we call it, 'private'?) 'consultation', and has been since Infratil lodged the request a month ago. Er, nobody made that clear, did they? One would have to assume that TDC and Infratil have been stitching this up months before the official request was put in, effectively giving them a hefty head start over anyone who might wish to put together a reasonable case against the night flights. What's more, according to the daft 'consultation' plan which TDC have now published here, roadshows will be held around the island - all during the middle of the day when anyone with a job, who might reasonably be wary about night flight blight interrupting their 8 hours, will presumably be out earning a crust! Not only that, but they'll be staffed by the very people who have vested interests in persuading the public that night flights are a good thing - council officers, Infratil and Mike 'The Poodle' Harrison!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Chippy Tone Rides Again

Yikes! The north side's two-faced pillock has crawled back out from under his stone - and is still bleating on over at BigSnooze Margate about some imagined slight from yours truly! Really, is it any wonder they call him Chippy Tone? Just how long can the stupid fat prick hold a grudge? And how long will it take him to realise the comments he's bleating on about were removed yonks ago? Er, yonks it seems.

I see he's now implemented comment moderation, presumably so that anyone who disagrees with his perverted, semi-literate vendetta can be censored without embarrassing him on his own comments section. Er, yes, of course, comment moderation is still in force here, but that's, um, merely to facilitate intelligent debate without interruption from the cheap seats!

Hmm... now... if I take this threatening and abusive voicemail, convert it to a .wav, load it onto BoobTube... Nyaha!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Mystery Of Ramsgate 'Ghost Ship' Deepens

By Isle of Thanet Gazunder Maritime Correspondent Terry Ferminal

The mystery of when or if the planned Euroferries fast service from Ramsgate to Boulogne will start has deepened, with one of the key backers said to be 'unwell'.

In a letter to Dave Anorak, chair of Ferry Spotters International, local MP Steve Ladyboy reveals: 'I have spoken to the company. The service has been held up by one of the principle people involved being taken seriously ill. They assure me everything is still on track but slightly delayed.'

When Dr Ladyperson first announced the Euroferries service at the beginning of the year, it was due to start 'imminently'. However the date was subsequently put back to February, then March, then April, then May, then June [Yes, we get the picture - Ed]. In July Thanet Council announced that the new cross channel service, with five daily crossings, would 'commence in September'.

Meanwhile, the Euroferries website still says it will start taking passengers in August 2009, and 'Bonanza Express', the catamaran the company is said to have chartered for the route, remains laid up in Tenerife, where it has been since July. In December last year it suffered a serious accident, with all 175 passengers having to be evacuated.

Commenting on the latest non-development, Dr Ladychap told the Gazunder: 'A'right dair la'? Nah, nah, yer a'right.' And he added: 'Any road, talkin' of dat dair ferry doh, it shows I'm da gaffer like don' it doh dave dee dozy beeky mick an' tich. I'm tellin' yer it's de gear, de friggin' gear dair doh ray me far sew la tea doh!'

Asked for his view on whether the Euroferries service would ever start, Dave Anorak said: 'I do not ordinarily speculate on stories of this nature and would prefer to stick to the facts of the matter which are namely that a service has been announced and a ferry presumably has been chartered but as to whether there will in fact be a service and when the service will commence I can only say that it is my opinion and the opinion of other members of Ferry Spotters International that this is a matter for some speculation.'

[That's enough ferry spotters - Ed]

Click here for Ferry Spotters International forum
Click here for Euroferries website
Click here for Thanet Council announcement
Click here for the 'Bonanza Express' Wikipedia file
Click here to see current location of 'Bonanza Express'

Friday, September 11, 2009

East Of The Wantsum

Here's a little number I knocked up while I was on Jersey... and I'm not talking about the Amazonian Teuton with the big Bo Diddleys! Ha, no, er, it's this week's East of the Wantsum. Oh gawd, I'm blushing now. Did I really say to her 'Ich habe ein grosse wurst', or was it some confused drunken nightmare featuring the late, great, lovely Benny Hill?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Everyone Loves Ramsgate!

One of the things I'm missing here in France is the English papers. But earlier today I managed to catch sight of yesterday's London Evening Standard et voila! A huge item about Ramsgate!

Headlined 'Kent Gets Closer To London', the paper swoons on about fast train links, Ramsgate becoming a 'super commuter hub', and top notch restaurants like Harveys Fish Market and Age & Sons, all tipped 'to transform sleepy, left behind Ramsgate into the next Brighton.' Hmmm, not sure I quite believe that particular hype, or endorse the description of our town as a 'left behind' (does that make Margate the right?) But a nice little puff for the Ms' P nonetheless.

And speaking of Thanet's premier restaurant in Thanet's premier town, I notice the aforementioned Age & Sons is up for a gong in the Kent Restaurant Awards. It's nominated in both the Best English Restaurant category and the Best Cafe category, where it's currently in poll position ahead of Boredstares' Oscar Road Cafe. So why not scuttle along now and place your 'X' for Age in both categories? Go on, you know it makes sense. As somebody once said in some advertising thing. Er, was it Jimmy Savile?

Click here to vote for Age & Sons in Best Cafe category
Click here to vote for Age & Sons in Best English Restaurant category

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Harbour Master Suspended From Duty

Even parked up (or should that be 'moored'?) here in Trouville Marina on the north French coast, quaffing Krug and generally enjoying the high life, Thanet titbits follow me like a pack of bloodhounds sniffing out their news quarry.

So it is that an email has winged its way into the comms room here on the floating gin palace to the effect that the master of our lovely harbour there in the Millionaires' Playground has been suspended from duty by Thanet Council, pending an appeal. Quite what the circs are is unclear. However, it was reported here on the big blog and elsewhere in July that irregularities in contract procedure had been flagged up by an audit report to Thanet Council last December, and rumours have been rife that there was some sort of 'investigation' going on.

So, for now at least we must say 'adieu' to Captain Dominic Evans. Whatever the background, it wouldn't appear to reflect too well on Port Ramsgate's political boss, Deputy Dawg Latchford, or the senior council executive in charge, Head of Degeneration and Pisspoor Planning Brian White. Who's going to be i/c of shovelling all that muck out of the harbour now? And with that, dear reader, I'm off to snuggle under my Hungarian goose down dooner, and lay the old barnet down on some rather fine Egyptian cotton!

Update: I'm reliably informed that this week's Gazunder has followed up my exclusive with its own front page, er, 'exclusive' and that the council are saying Captain Evans has been 'dismissed'. I presume, though, that he might be appealing against his dismissal. Apparently three other council employees have also been suspended, although it's not specified in which department they worked.

Click here for July's report re: port 'irregularities'

Update 13 May 2010: It seems that Mr Evans has won his appeal at Industrial Tribunal. Click here for more.

Protocol Harem

Urgh. The old bonce is playing up, what with tossing on the high seas and all that fine food and drink last night. There's not been a moment when my head hasn't been in the head this morning.

Still, where was I? Oh yes. Catching up with correspondence. Regular contributor Walter tells me he's spotted some rare birds in Pegwell Bay. No, haha, no, er, nothing to do with top Thanet nudie Peter Checksfield. No, these were Alpine Swifts. For confirmation of that, take a gander at the Rare Bird Alert website. And here's a picture of one of the little fellers I found on the interwhatsit:

Speaking of things internetty, this email comes from Ron Councillor (not his/her real name I'm guessing):


I am most concerned that Thanet Council has seen fit to introduce a 'Blogging Protocol'. This is nothing less than an attempt by the corrupt and incompetent Tory Administration to stifle freedom of speech and political criticism of their woeful inadequacies. I note that Councillor Moores specifically denied
on your blog a few weeks ago that any such protocol was being contemplated, at a time when this protocol would in fact have been in the process of being drafted no doubt with his full knowledge. That illustrates the extent to which the Conservatives will go to dissimulate and mislead the media.

As far as I am aware Thanet Council is the only administration in the UK that has seen fit to introduce such censorship. Their Chinese friends, for whom Margate Old Town was blocked off recently causing distress to market traders who were not notified in advance of this decision, must approve wholeheartedly.

I have consulted with other members who also find this measure wholly unacceptable. If the council goes ahead with it, we will have no alternative but to disseminate our views through 'anonymous' blogs such as yours. To that end I have been charged with offering you a small consideration for the unrestricted use of your blog for such purposes should the need arise.

Yours sincerely,

Councillor Ron Councillor

Hmmm. Interesting. And a way of making a bit of dosh to stash away in Cyril's Jersey Cash Cow Fund to boot! I'm tempted!

Click here to read Thanet Council's Daft Blogging Protocol

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Island Hopping

How splendid of my old showbiz chum 'n' Dec (of Ant 'n' Dec fame) to transport his cruiser all the way up from the Med for my trip back to the Ile de Thanet! Although I'm not sure what happened to 'All Hands on Dec I'. Best to gloss over that I suppose. Thanks to all the satellite wizardry on board, I'll be able to blog in as we cruise up the coast of northern France, feasting on caviar and sipping fizz! Then it's just a short hop across La Manche to the Millionaires' Playground.

While I've been pissing it up in Jersey, the more astute among you will have noticed that comments have been turned off to prevent the ongoing vomit of vexatious vilification from some of the blogosphere's more fragile members. However, now that I'm constantly in touch again, I've stood down from Defcon 1 to Defcon 2. Meaning that comments, anonymous or nonymous, will be allowed but moderated (i.e vetted by me before they're put on the blog).

Meanwhile, if you're bored and at a complete loss for something to do, you could always pop along for a morton at this pile of pants. Anyway, moustache now as I can hear the popping of corks! Laters!

Sunday, September 06, 2009

East Of The Wantsum

I'm having such a super time here in the Channel Islands that I clean forgot to blog this week's East of the Wantsum! Here it is - as ever, you can big it up by clicking on it.

Yesterday I bumped into my former accountant Cyril, who now resides in these warmer financial climes and was parking up his SL65 AMC with the personalised number plate (MON 3Y) out the front of the 12 star Radisson I'm staying in. Apparently he's cooked up some whizz-bang tax avoidance scheme, and is taking me out to lunch today to discuss the finer points of what he's calling his 'Jersey Cash Cow' fund. Hurrah!

Friday, September 04, 2009

Toilet Protesters Stage Sit-In

Here I am in Jersey about to go into a taxing but blissfully tax-free meeting with the backers of A Snip at £900 for the Harley Street Vasectomy Clinic. Yet thanks to the power of the internet I can assume almost godlike powers of omniscience! Which is why I know that, right about now, pissed off locals are taking matters into their own hands and staging a protest at the open/closed/open/closed loos down on the east end of our lovely Blue Flag beach there in the Ms' P.

A quick scan of the tourist map of Jersey kindly provided by the 12 star Radisson I'm staying in reveals no fewer than 32 public khazis located on this sunny Channel Island, which is roughly the same size geographically as Thanet, but with about two thirds of the population. On the other hand, our beloved council can only manage to keep around 20 conveniences open across our septic isle. Giving Jerseyans, by my calculation, a lavvie for every 2,700 citizens, and us Thanetians one inconvenient convenience for every 6,500.

So, good luck to the protesters! It's about time people stood up, or sat down (depending on their gender and requirement) for their right to splash out whenever they want to!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Bignews Margate

I really am beginning to get rather hacked off with all the snide comments being lobbed at me from the seedy north side of the island.

Just what are these 'defamatory' remarks Chippy Tone is accusing me of? And in whose opinion are they 'defamatory'? Has Tony gone and hired himself a top libel lawyer or something? Or is he just bandying the D-word about in much the same way our doctor/councillor does whenever he reads something about himself he doesn't like? And as for me being a nobody, isn't that just stating the bleedin' obvious? Or does he really think the thousands of people who read this blog each month imagine I actually am some kind of millionaire sleb with a media empire to rival Murdoch? If so, he must be nuttier than I thought!

I really didn't want to return to this topic, but poor old Tony is still blogging on like a man obsessed, so some response to his paranoid vendetta is appropriate I feel. At the end of the day two Thanet bloggers, one an anonymous nobody and the other a named nobody, banging on about who is more of a nobody than whom, is probably about as interesting as what I had for breakfast. Which was a formule petit dejeuner at a Maccy D's just outside St Malo, if you must know!

Update: For all those who've commented about other commentators' grammar on this post, I can thoroughly recommend one of our local centres of learning excellence:

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

'The King Of Thanet Bloggers'

Urgh, my bonce! Still, it was worth it. I think. No, actually, I can't remember much about it. So it must have been good!

Anyoldhoo, I thought I'd snap off a quick one in this endless poo chain of a blog before I dash over to Jersey for a tax free meeting with the backers of my latest epic, A Snip at £900 for the Harley Street Vasectomy Clinic. And how convenient to be able to fly there from Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport! I'm going to make the booking now, here goes...

Drat! Maybe if I try another date, I can probably get the meeting put back...

Bugger! At a pinch I could try for the following week...

Oh well, so much for that. Looks like it'll be a quick sprint down to Portsmouth and the overnight ferry then. A snooze in the old ensuite cabin et voila! And it'll be cheaper - hurrah!

Meanwhile I've been scouring the old interbollocks on your behalf and come up with a Kentish site that I can highly recommend. Ray Parker was apparently the Mayor of Gravesham a few years back, as well as having written and performed the theme to Ghostbusters, of course. He is clearly a man of excellent taste. Taking a break from appearing in the latest 118 118 ads he writes:

When it comes to the capital of blogging, nowhere comes close to Thanet. There are loads of political blogs from all parties and many who just take the proverbial. The King of Thanet bloggers has to be Eastcliff Richard whose posts will have you in stitches. His media empire includes the Isle of Thanet Gazunder and ECR TV as well as pages on Facebook and Twitter. Oh and look out for the posts by Sister Assumpta..!

Aw, you're making me blush there Ray! Any chance you could get me in one of those super ads? I'd be prepared to wear the wig and tash and everything!

Click here to see if you can book a flight to Jersey
Click here for Ray Parker's blog

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Happy Birthday To Me!

As usual, I'll be spending my 29th birthday today opening the sackload of cards and prezzies that have been arriving all morning here at the old cliff top mansion. Feel free to add your birthday wishes!