Dumb Show In Town

Quite why the BBC's pointless One Show is filming in Margate today is anyone's guess. Perhaps Christine Bleakley left a shoe there while she was training for her water skiing challenge on the isle recently.

As for Adrian Chiles, who was it who described him recently as looking like an animated Toby jug, and not a very interesting one at that? I prefer to think of him as a pale, Brummie imitation of Benny Hill. Without the laughs.

Click here for more on Gazunder website

Klang Rings A Bell

An absolute must see for all observers of town hall dufferism is BBC3's new comedy series We Are Klang. The bastard lovechild of The Goodies and The Young Ones, We Are Klang centres around three inept council officers in the rundown town of Klangbury. This week's episode saw them lose the Annual Small Town of the Year Competition (ASmaTYC) to Midford On Sea, compelling them to brainstorm a variety of crap ideas and events to boost tourism. One involved rebranding the piles of rubbish on Klangbury's streets as a 'Litter Museum'. What a splendid idea!

Moving on, Klangbury's crew of cretins then came up with the masterstroke of opening a theme park called Bin World. May I draw m'lordship's attention to exhibit two:

Indeed, I think we can go one better here on the Ile de Thanet and boast about our fine Botanical Gardens:

As if to seal the deal, tonight's show culminated in the Klangers attempting to grab millions from a dodgy foreign investor, followed by a rousing chorus of the Klangbury song:

If you are feeling really down
You should come to our little town
If you take your food from a bin
Then we are sure you will fit in

If you have no place you feel free
Then we will be your family
It's hardly full of stately castles
And it's run by these three arseholes

Ring any bells?

Click here to watch this week's We Are Klang on BBC i Player

Shop Tactics

Having nothing better to do after lunch, I thought I'd tool along to the Love, Hate, Hope Ramsgate exhibition in the high street, in one of them disused shops just up from Argos. The place was rammed! You couldn't get in for BBC TV crews, Radio Kent reporters and all manner of Ramsgatonians viewing the ten minute film they've made about the town, projected onto a giant TV screen.

Among the local luminaries featured in the epic are Gerry O'Ramsgate, Ralph 'Mr Wamsgate' Hoult, Michael Child and, er, another Michael Child. (How many Michael Childs (or should that be Michael Children?) does one town need?) Plus a whole plethora of people who'd just been stopped in the street and asked what they loved, hated and hoped for Ramsgatewise. There are three boards up too, where you can write your 'love', 'hate' or 'hope' on a postcard anonymously. A bit like this blog really. Except there were literally hundreds of postcards littering the walls, many with quite hilarious comments, and even two in the 'love' section with Eastcliff Richard written on them! OK, OK, I'll admit I wrote one of them, but it proves that I've got at least one other adoring fan out there! The whole thing is going to be featured on BBC1's South East Today tonight, so do tune in. And do get along to the exhibition, it's on until 8pm tonight, and again tomorrow from 11am to 8pm.

On the way out I heard one of the lovely ladies from the Ramsgate Arts Festival, who organised the shindig, trying to persuade a local to come in and watch the film. 'I ain't got ten minutes,' said the local. 'I would if it was free.' 'But it is free,' responded the RAFer. 'I fought you said it was ten,' came the response. Hey-ho, you've got to love the place, ain't yer!

Click here for Ramsgate Arts Festival

Please Refund My Licence Fee

Not only have I had to 'watch' the Headingley Test today staring at numbers on a TV which was playing radio commentary, but this evening's Any Questions from the Mike and Bernie Winter Gardens gave the second question to none other than Roger Latchford OBE, the truest, bluest duffer on Duffer Island.

As I'd rather undergo a meatotomy without anaesthetic than purchase any kind of Murdoch product, I'm just going to have to go out now and drink myself blind. At least that way I'll get a 50% refund. A bientot!

Beeb Goes Down To Margate

Margate proved to be the fly in the BBC's candy floss earlier today, as the corporation's news wallahs tried to whip up some fluff about tourists flocking to Blighty this year.

The One O'Clock News went live from the Giant's Causeway World Heritage Site, teeming with visitors from every part of the globe, then threw live to poor old Louisa Baldini standing by Mannings whelk stall next to Droit House, a lone, topless pitbull tugger lounging on the concrete behind her. Having given us some blurb about things picking up, Louisa proceeded to interview Valerie on the stall, who clearly hadn't been briefed. 'Business is down by about a half this year,' moaned Val. 'If people are holidaying in Britain, they ain't coming to Margate.'

Still, at least the BBC are flocking to the Arsonist's Playground, even if the tourists aren't. After Huge Pym's report on Margate, The Country's Most Closed Down Town last week, and Louisa's live two-way today, on Friday the team from Radio 4's Any Questions will be gassing off in the Mike and Bernie Winter Gardens. Unfortunately regular host Jonathan Dimbleby (or 'The Wrong Dimbleby' as we used to call him at ITV... as in 'We signed the wrong Dimbleby') can't make it, so presentorial duties will be down to Radio 4's Charlie Chuckles de nos jours, Eddie Mair. Interestingly the panel will include John Kampfner who's being billed as the chief exec of the Index on Censorship, but who is better known in these parts as the Head Turnip, sitting as he does at the front of the Turner Contemporary gravy train.

Of course, the only reason it's being held in Margate is because the council has willfully dilapidated any sizeable venue here in the island's capital, Ramsgate. I understand the panel aren't taking any chances with their pre-gig dinner, though, which is being held at East Kent's foremost eatery Age & Sons, right here in the Millionaires' Playground!

Watch on iPlayer (available until tomorrow lunchtime, 22'35" in)
Any Questions at the Mike and Bernie Winter Gardens

Forecaster Gets It Right For A Change

In amongst all the Wacko Deado media frenzy of the last twelve hours, you may have missed Radio 4 weather presenter Tomasz Schafernaker forecasting 'muddy shite' for Glastonbury today. If so, here it is again in all its glory:

The Apprentice - Ramsgate Was Robbed!

The persistent word among the local millionaires is that the BBC initially wanted to bring Sralan and his apprentices to Ramsgate rather than Margate for this series of the popular business cock- (or increasingly hen-) fights.

The Beeb's researcher apparently rang one of the council's Ramsgate offices, but was referred under standing orders to the Cecil Square propaganda unit who presumably rubbed their hands with glee and said: 'Nah - you don't wanna go there. Come and see how we're spending £60m (allegedly) regenerating Margate instead!' The rest, as we now know, is history.

While we're on the topic of the Margate episode, I must extend my sincere apologies to Mr Dickens of Broadstairs whose Apprentice-related email has been languishing in my inbox for the past couple of weeks, awaiting a suitable peg to hang it on. Mr D of B had some very sound ideas about promoting Margate, including a large poster of our beloved leader in his Cecil Square office with the caption: 'Margate welcomes tourists - you f*cking tossers!' and a traditional view of the Margate skyline in flames with the tagline: 'Experience the excitement of the Blitz from your guest house window.' Nice one, Mr D of B!

Watch Out, There's A Humphrys About!

Listening to my old chum John Humphrys laying into his boss, Director-General Mark Thompson, on the Radio 4 Toady programme this morning made me wonder how many other people would be prepared to do that in front of an audience of millions.

Thompson was getting a tongue-lashing over the Beeb's rather lame excuses for not running a charity appeal on behalf of Gaza. So far I've seen umpteen BBC execs wheeled out to defend the decision. And despite Humphrys' best efforts, I've still haven't heard anything that remotely justifies the decision.

Mind you, it's a brave soul who goes mano-a-mano with the Splott-born inquisitor. I remember directing a film he was fronting a few years ago, which involved interviewing the execs of a mammoth UK insurance company. At the time they were engaged in a bitter takeover battle. We were wheeled up to the top floor, only to find our minder's key card didn't work at those exulted heights. Fearless, Humprhys began bashing on the door, and after some minutes a short fat man in a suit, purple with rage, opened it. 'I'M THE *@!%ING FINANCE DIRECTOR, NOT THE *@!%ING DOORMAN,' he bellowed at the bewildered presenter of Mastermind. Quick as a shot, Humphrys blasted back with: 'Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?'

If it hadn't been for the intervention of myself, the crew, and our, by-now, rather sheepish minder I tell you, it would have been handbags at dawn!

Hamster News

As if BBC News wasn't crap enough these days, what with Eddie Mair's Whoopsy-Daisy - It's the PM Prog! on Radio 4, standy-uppy News at Ten, and the endless diet of cats up trees, prize marrows and puffs for Howletts Zoo on Southeast Today, a journalist mate spotted this on the 24 hour BBC News Channel recently.

Yes, the strap really does read: 'HAMSTER THEFT: Pet stolen from flat in Stourport-on-Severn.' And they say they haven't dumbed down!

Manston Pickle

Yipes! I see Infartil, the owners of RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport, are reporting a loss at their European airport business for the six months to 30 September 2008. In their half yearly report the Kiwi group says:

Infartil Airports Europe recorded an earnings loss of $6 million for the half. This reflected the loss of major freight services at Glasgow and Kent. While the suddenness of the reduction of services meant that the airports have incurred adjustment costs (including bad debts) it is likely that the full year outcome will be consistent with the first half trend.

Meanwhile that ruddy-faced man who runs Kent County Council was on the Beeb's Politics Show yesterday lunchtime crapping on about RAFLKRMIA being the 'jewel in the crown' of south east airports, and waxing lyrical about '6 million passenger movements' and how 'accessible' it is. Yes, very accessible for a few thousand Majorca-loving Dickensians and Margatonians, who don't have to put up with the incessant 'training' flights, but a bit of a pain in the jacksie for the 40,000 Ramsgatonians who happen to live beneath knackered old jumbos overflying their cliff top mansions every eight minutes (cue cries of 'nimby', 'it's been there since 1836', and 'if you don't like it move!')

Strangely, for a fellow who runs Kent County Council, R-FM seems to have a limited knowledge of the county's geography. Does he not realise that at least 270 degrees of RAFLKRMIA's catchment area is very 'accessible' to fish, seagulls, and, er, that's about it? Or maybe I'm not giving him enough credit. By batting for Manston, and batting off 'Boris Island', perhaps he's ensuring his little neck of the West Kent woods remains unblighted!

Click here to read Infartil interim results
Click here to watch R-FM crapping on about Manston (c. 41 mins in)
Click here for details of CPRE's Thanet: A New Way Forward

Sugar Babes Set To Put Margate On The Map

News that my old millionaire chum Sir Alan Sugar will be setting his charges to the task of turning Margate into a boom town for the next series of The Apprentice warms the cockles of my proverbial. I feel certain that Margatonians will welcome the sight of him cruising around in his Bentley Continental Flying Toss, explaining to all and sundry the finer points of tearing them a new arsehole unless they set off a tourism explosion.

Of course, Sir A is already a patron of the Arsonists' Playground, with Eli's excellent Sugar Lounge named in his honour. And his catchphrase 'You're fired!' has been applied to many of the town's former attractions and heritage buildings. But what else can be done to tart up the town and get the tills tinkling? Here are my top tips for his budding apprentices:

- Rename town 'Marbella'
- Erect brown signs directing people to attractions that don't exist
- Close all public toilets so people have to pee in bars and restaurants
- Remove rotting seaweed from harbour and dump it in Broadstairs
- Convert museums into luxury apartments

Oops, sorry. I think the council have already tried those. Apart from the first one, of course!

Click here to read full story in Isle of Thanet Gazunder

G'Day Mate!

As if the Millionaires' Playground didn't already have a full complement of media celebrities (me), my spies report that chisel-jawed Aussie presenter Aaron Heslehurst has just relocated to Ramsgate. Aaron can be seen in the early hours on BBC World talking (in Strine of course) about suity stuff.

We'll soon be positively awash with Antipododians and creative types at this rate. And with RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport in, er, terminal decline (geddit?!?!!), and coming under even more pressure from the Mayor of London's proposed new Boris Island, there's half a chance they might find it pleasant enough to stay here for a bit!

Batten Down The Hatches!

Blow me! Twiddling my proverbials here at the cliff top mansion, I've been checking the BBC weather site for a break in the rain, in the forlorn hope that I might be able to whip out my old throbber and give it a bit of a thrashing.

But the latest forecast for North Kent predicts a remarkable -99mph wind, in no particular direction. Talk about climate change! And that just a week after the BBC forecast a record 232C heatwave for Windsor.

Still, the prediction has reminded me of an old joke. Q: Why doesn't the Isle of Sheppey float off into the North Sea? A: Because Kent sucks!

BBC On The China Trail

And it's not feckin Beijing I'm talking about yer eejits! That reporter feller Glenn Campbell from BBC South East is making a fillum about the China Gateway project and wants yous all to turn up at Acol Village Hall next Thursday 28 August. He writes:

The meeting has been arranged through Cllr Sheila Bransfield and will take place from 4pm onwards. It's really a chance for us (the BBC) to get to meet and interview local people concerned about the China Gateway project.

Sure I hope he's not thinking of putting it to the tune of Rhinestone Cowboy now!

Paxo Set To Give Isle A Stuffing?

My spies tell me that Newsnight presenter Jeremy Paxman was spotted in Pete's Fish Factory here in the Millionaires' Playground on Tuesday. The undercracker obsessed newsman was in the fish shop with a film crew around 3pm.

Then yesterday he was spotted filming again, this time in City hangout Dirty Dick's. So what's he up to? Surely he wasn't on the island just to make a cod piece? Perhaps it's a story about City traders relocating to Ramsgate, but I would have thought most of them were currently forming an orderly queue outside the Job Centre. Or maybe he's heard about ChinaGatewayGate and is preparing an explosive exposé!

Oh well, whatever the story let's hope he enjoyed his 'Bollack and chips':

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News!

Reader Julie writes:

I was interested to see the BBC's South East Today programme coming live from Margate's QEQM hospital yesterday, especially as I have a relative who has been there for a few weeks. I was not surprised to see patients saying how marvellous everything was as ill people are often very grateful for whatever treatment they get. However I visit my elderly mother every day and can tell a different story. She has been left in soiled clothing for several hours, and chairs where she has been sitting in soiled garments have subsequently not been cleaned for days. Heart monitor alarms at nursing stations seem to be regularly ignored as the leads come off patients so frequently the staff can no longer be bothered to check whether it is a real emergency. On Thursday they carried out a thorough cleaning inspection but this seems to have been for the benefit of the cameras arriving the following day since my mother had never seen them do it before. I know the place has improved a lot and I am generally a supporter of the NHS but what I have seen has made me fearful for my mother's recovery.

Well, Julie, what you have witnessed is probably a one-off and I'm sure your mother is being well cared for. I personally would not have a word said against the NHS as they have saved my life on numerous occasions. Why, only last year when I was diagnosed with skin cancer (too much fun in the Caribbean sun!), my GP immediately rushed me past a nine month NHS waiting list to a private consultant in Canterbury. By paying out of my own pocket I also relieved them of the substantial burden of having to cough up for a highly-paid specialist! Now that's what I call a health service!

Media Goes Thanet Earth Crazy!

Not content with sending John Craven down here to the tip of Kent the other week, the BBC spent it's entire Breakfast programme over at the Monkton tomato factory this morning. And my old chum Chris Evans dedicated a spot to it on his afternoon show on Radio 2 yesterday.

That's in addition to puffs this week in the Guardian, the Daily Mail, the Torygraph and the Observer (which at least had the cajones to utter the words 'utterly tasteless, hydroponically grown tomatoes, identical uber-cucumbers and iceberg lettuce'). Wow! Some PR guy is really earning his fizz, if you catch my drift! Not much mention in any of them, though, that the produce will never actually touch the earth of Thanet as it will all be grown in a watery consommé of 'nutrients' a metre off the ground. Or that they'll be tapping our salt marshes to top up their H20 supply. But hey-ho. Mr Public Relations and Mr Entire Truth hardly ever share a table at the Ivy in my experience!

Click here for Thanet Earth story in the Guardian
Click here for Thanet Earth story in the Daily Mail
Click here for Thanet Earth story in the Telegraph
Click here for Thanet Earth story in the Observer
Click here for a less glowing critique of Thanet Earth

Spaghetti Grows On Trees

Oh go on then. While I'm in the mood, we might as well take a peek at the grandaddy of them all. Panorama 1957.

Pigs Might Fly

Yikes! It seems the BBC has discovered a new colony of penguins that have evolved an extraordinary ability to fly! Thanks to Dane Valley Ted for the link.

Click here to see flying penguins on BBC iPlayer.

Rubble Trouble

Our local biblio-bloke and tireless Ramsgate campaigner, Michael Child, tells me he's going to be on BBC Radio Kent tomorrow morning, talking about the 'conservation' efforts down on the front.

They interviewed him today, and you should be able to catch his dulcets between 7.30-8.30am. Of course, it was me that tipped them off. Well, if you've got connections use them, that's what I say!