Pilots

Holy joysticks! You pop off oop north for a few days to film a couple of pilots for Dave (Wags Or Nags? and Celebrity Cake Mix), and what do you find when you get back? 100s of comments about the flippin' airport, that's what!

Oh well, the news today that Boris Island is going to be built just off the north Kent coast means there shouldn't be any more debate about the future of Manston. It hasn't got one!

That said, I expect the sight of a plan to build a six-runway lump on their doorstep will be giving the good people of Whitstable and Herne Bay a few sleepless nights. They'd better move to Ramsgate toute de suite before property prices plummet, it's going to sooooo quiet here in the Millionaires' Playground!

Click here for full story on BBC News website.

A Pilot Writes...

John Drake, the, er, 'joystick jockey' who I accused of buzzing Ramsgate on Monday has been in touch via email. He writes:

Egomaniac flyboy. That's me apparently.... Sorry you didn't like the show but it wasn't meant for you, wasn't impromptu, and was as safe as houses.

Having said all that, if it did wake you up, I understand that that would be a bit annoying, we've all got the right to a little nap in the afternoon. And I do appreciate a good moan as well every once in a while, generally about some crap in the Daily Mail, or having to unload the dishwasher. It's cathartic, that's what it is, so if it makes you feel better, keep doing what you do but understand the world is a myriad of greys, little is black and white.

Actually, John's display was in honour of one of the Dunkirk 'little ships', the slightly leaky, 85 year old motor sailor 'Anne', which some chap in Scotland has been restoring all winter, and which had just been delivered to Ramsgate ahead of the 70th anniversary commiserations. Click here to read more.

John continues:

I understand the noise issue and try and avoid disturbing others when practicing etc. What riled me a bit was the comment suggesting I was unsafe. I'm a professional pilot and safety is always at the forefront. The aircraft, which I did buy as 'junk', was restored by myself and a team of friendly engineers and she's now certified for public transport flights, the highest level of safety certification. So, safe, a bit noisy, maybe the tiniest bit of ego in that I was saluting the hard work and dedication of a friend whilst showing off my own efforts.

And I certainly wasn't jerking off up there...

Oh well, that's nice to know John. May all your landings be happy ones!

Joystick Jockey Buzzes Ramsgate

Crikey! Did anyone else hear that thing buzzing the town just now? It looked like some old piece of WWII junk. Perhaps it's in preparation for the Operation Dynamo 70th anniversary at the weekend, when we're all expected to gleefully celebrate the greatest defeat in the history of the British Army at Dunkirk.

If my old throbber made as much racket as that I'd be up before the beak quicker than you can say 'little ships'. Still, it just goes to prove that the Brylcreem boys are literally above the rest of us - no VAT or other tax on aviation fuel, bollocks to the environment, knackers to anyone who doesn't like 'airplanes'.

That reminds me of the old joke about the pilot on a first date who stops talking half way through the evening and says: 'That's enough about flying. Let's talk about me!'

Why An Aeroplane Could Never Crash On Your House

Wing Commander Jimmy Joystick, Tory member for Buftingtontuftington ward, explains why modern aircraft never crash.

Many people have asked me recently: With all this talk of expanding our local airport, could an aeroplane crash on my house? I must say, this question really does make me laugh. What these poor blighters do not understand is that aeroplane technology has come on by leaps and bounds since the days Chalkie, Ginge and I were forever pranging our kites and bailing out over the briny in World War 1.

Nowadays, with all the modern flying aids at our disposal, it is unheard of for anything ever to go wrong. With literally 100,000,000 aeroplanes flying over our heads every hour, not a single one has crashed to my knowledge, so there is no need for any concern. Pilots these days receive much more training and are told that, when approaching an airport, they should be on a 'flight path' that enables them to 'touch down' on the 'runway' rather than crashing in Mr Jones's cabbage patch, which might have been acceptable in my day!

This new technology is beamed directly into the pilot's brain, enabling him to concentrate entirely on the task in hand without being distracted by such thoughts as what colour knickers the stewardess is wearing, or whether he would prefer a gin and tonic or scotch and soda upon arrival.

That's enough flying news - Ed.

Pilot Hits Buoy

On my afternoon stroll around our lovely Royal Harbour here in the Millionaires' Playground, I witnessed some salty seafaring types hoisting one of those channel buoys out of the water.

Being the nosey sort who likes a good earwig, I meandered around in circles for a bit trying to catch their drift. Here's the upshot:

Matelot 1: What 'appened 'ere then Dave?
Matelot 2: The pilot boat 'it it, didden it.

Now call me old fashioned, but I thought the pilots were supposed to be the experts at not hitting things out on the briny, let alone their own deep sea channel markers!

Click here for more on ShipSpotter.co.uk (4.2.09 post)

Blimp My Ride

Reader David Chamberlain writes:

Zeppelins again over Thanet! The test flight of our 15' (indoor) radio controlled exhibition blimp takes place at the Westgate Pavillion this Thursday (today) between 09:00 hours & 13:00 hours, 9 & 1 in pre-decimal for you non-aeronautical sorts. We'd like to find sponsorship for a 20 to 30 footer outdoor blimp so if you know any media types with too much money and a hole to burn it through we'd like to know. Just hope the doctor doesn't shoot it down!

I am also looking at offering low level aerial cam shots for roofing companies, guttering firms utilising a camera carrying helicoptor, it might save loads on scaffolding and ladders. I might even send it up over your mansion to see if them Boeings have blown anymore stuff off your roof!

And just in case you're wondering what an '(indoor) radio controlled exhibition blimp' looks like, David's kindly sent this link to one that someone else prepared earlier:

'Obeless Situation

Kuh! Snubbed by Her Madge yet again! I mean, Paul O'Grady, Des O'Connor? Anyhoo, as you can see from the banner at the top of my blog, I've now made the necessary adjustments to ensure I'm not overlooked in the new year.

As consolation I'll be taking myself off to Margate's Big-ish Event. Formerly known as the Kent Air Show until the organisers decided to give their own aerial display by pointing their nipples skywards and blasting off into the wide blue yonder last year, the marvellous derring-do of those magnificent men in their flying machines has since been replaced by a knackered old Sopwith Camel and a couple of bouncy castles. Still, at least it's free, and I should get to cop my annual butcher's at the completely and utterly splendid Battle of Britain Memorial Flight!

Click here for full details of M's BE

UFO Sighting Confirmed By Pilot

Holy X Files! I thought the rumour I reported at the weekend of UFOs over the island was just a bit of beer talk, but according to today's Thanet Times a pilot who lives in Birchington thinks he may have been visited by aliens! He reports being woken up at 1.20am a few weeks ago by a 'surreal and weird' experience.

Probably not half as surreal and weird an experience as I had, though, when I accidentally clicked here!

Click here for full UFO story in Thanet Times

Strange Lights At Night - Biggles In Flight?

Carousing on the cool Croissette here in the Cannes of Kent last night with my millionaire chums, a strange tale reached the old Eastcliff lugholes. Apparently mysterious lights and UFOs have been spotted recently in the night sky over Birchington.

Lights? Mysterious objects? In the sky? Birchington? You don't think? It can't be. Surely it's not? There again...

Airport For Sale - One Careful Owner

Unfortunately not a plan to sell off Manston and turn it into a wind farm. Although that would probably be for the best, given last night's experience.

No, this is Maypole Airfield, just off the Thanet Way between St Nicholas-at-Wade and Hernia Bay. It also happens to be where our local doctor/councillor tugs many a banner from. And where some of the local residents object to the aforementioned banner tugging.

It's on the market for £1.25m, and for that you get 56 acres, 'five spacious hangars', a toilet block with two WCs, a club house, equestrian facilities, and a three bedroom bungalow. Lovely. I suggest the Doc gets down there quick with a wad of folding, before the locals club together and, er, queer his pitch.

Click here for details of sale at Browns Country Property
Click here for Maypole Airfield website

Biggles Makes A Splash

As you know, I don't normally sully my hands with the red tops, but turning to page 19 of yesterday's Thanet Times I almost choked on my G&T. There was our local blue rinse, blue sky doctor/councillor staring back at me, becapped and beshaded, small as life, hand on hip, standing in front of his teeny-tiny plane looking for all the world like the ghost of the lovely, dearly-departed John Inman!

For some reason the Times had devoted an entire page to the Doc's banner tugging business. I couldn't imagine that it merited that much newsprint in its own right, but the words 'advertising feature' were C by their A. Could it be that, in a small fit of pique at receiving very little attention for his Christmas charity tug, the flying doctor pestered the Times hacks into granting him wall-to-wall, no questions asked coverage? I think we should be told!

Merry Christmas!

Well, did you see it? Just a few minutes ago, the flying doctor did a double circuit of Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff, on his charity tug with the banner paid for by Bignews Tony, and, of course, me and all you lovely readers here on the island's premier blog site. Proceeds will be going to the NSPCC.

Right, I've got the biggest bird I've ever had waiting to be stuffed in the kitchen, I'm off to smother some breasts in butter. Happy Christmas to you all. Unless you're a bigot, Oasis Hong Kong Airlines or That Bloody Awful Noel. In which case, I'll wish you a Crappy Mizmas!

Charity Bid's A Winner

Hurrah! The ECR/Bignews Margate axis has won the flying doctor's charity eBay auction to get our very own banner tugged around the island. Well, er, it wasn't that difficult as we were the only people to bid. What a load of skinflints you Thanetians are!

More news closer to the day (Christmas Eve), but we're hoping the banner will read MERRY XMAS FROM THANET BLOGGERS, and that the proceeds will go to the NSPCC. Tony and I are going half each on the £150, but one or two of my readers offered to chuck in the odd fiver, so I'll make my contribution the full ton. Hopefully, if Tony does the same, we'll have raised 200 nicker for a good cause.

And as it's Christmas, I suppose I ought to thank the Doc for contributing his time, plane, fuel and er oh gawd I think I'm going to throw up.

Update: As Tony is over the weight limit (85kg) for the passenger seat, and I'm a purely fictional persona, Dr Moores has asked us if he could auction the spare seat off for more charity wonga via local radio. Which is a nice idea, so listen out for that.

Update update: Er, he's now taking sealed bids via email for the spare dicky, so send your offers to simon_moores@hotmail.com

Run It Up The Flaigpole

Burger loving Margate burgher Bignews Tony Flaig (scourge of the Freemasons, police and Kent County Council) has rung to accept my offer of going 50/50 on the flying doctor's charity Christmas tug.

If you recall, the Doc has so far failed to get any bids for his eBay offer which starts at £150. The deal is that Tone and I will chuck in 75 sovs each, but if any other Thanet bloggers want to make a contribution for a banner that will, we hope, read MERRY XMAS FROM THANET BLOGGERS then there'll be more for charity. Unless the charity is the Oasis Pilots' Benevolent Fund, in which case you can count me out!

Neither Tony nor I will be going in the doctor/councillor's cockpit (Tony's too fat and I'm too anonymous) so who knows, this could be your chance to join the mile high club with your favourite Blue Rinser! Just append your comment with the size of your donation to this post, and we'll work out the details later. Happy tugging!

Click here for the Doc's relisted eBay offer, currently showing our £150 bid

Time Running Out For Doctor Banner Bid

There's only an hour or so left if you want to get your very own banner tugged by our local doctor/councillor, who's making the Christmas charity offer on eBay. Bidding started at £150, and so far it's up to, er, £150 since nobody's yet made a bid.

As Marvel Comics fans will remember, Dr. Banner was the Incredible Hulk's real name. Let's hope our chap doesn't turn green and split his shirt open if the sponds aren't forthcoming!

Click here if you want your banner tugged

Update: Bidding has now closed with the grand total of 0, zero, none, nada, no bids.

Towing The Party Line?

Holy joysticks! Footling around on eBay just now, I came across this offer from our favourite Blue Rinser. Yes, the flying doctor/Tory councillor is giving us the once-in-a-lifetime chance to see a banner of our choice tugged around behind his teeny-tiny plane on Christmas Eve!

Bids start at £150, and proceeds go to chariddee. You also get the opportunity to go in the Doctor's cockpit, as long as you weigh less than 185kg (that rules out Santa and most Margatonians then).

With only three days of the auction left, the Doc has yet to be made an offer, but I'm sorely tempted. Seeing him tug TORIES OUT OF THANET or EASTCLIFF RICHARD IS THE BIZ around the Ile would be the Christmas present to end all Christmas presents. Although I'd be a bit ginger about joining him on the flight. You never know, he might develop finger trouble with the ejector button!

Click here if you want your banner tugged

Plane Funny

As I sit here in my cliff top mansion, pondering the grim inevitability of the Reverend Lee's 400 tonne red and white lump roaring inches over my head every ten minutes for the next three hours, I'm indebted to reader Mr X for the following pilot jokes, which I shall be emailing to our local flying doctor/councillor, and raking into the Ramsgate sands, as soon as said lump appears:

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: How do you know when you're half way through a date with a pilot?
A: Because he says: 'That's enough about flying, let's talk about me!'

Flight In The Ointment

I see our 400 tonne chum is practising not crashing into the Millionaires' Playground again this morning. How nice for the carnival!

Fly Con

I see yet another seedy and shabby part of Kent is to get an 'iconic building' in the hope that it will do for the area what the Ted Turner Centre has so far done for Margate (i.e create a lot of jobs for architects, consultants, estate agents and property speculators).

According to a report on the BBC's website, this time it's the Isle of Sheppey that's going to benefit from funding to the tune of £37m. It's all based on the island's, um, famous connections to the birth of the aircraft industry, so maybe it stands half a chance of taking off. Although given the track record of iconic buildings in Kent, I wouldn't be surprised if it's still taxiing down the runway 20 years from now.

Councillor Biggles?

Heavens above! I see that our local flying doctor is standing for the council in the May elections, on behalf of the Blue Rinsers.

Although not one of Mr Cameron's drooling pot smokers myself, I can only wish the chap happy landings. After all, it will make a pleasant change to see someone get a firm grip on the joystick of power. At the moment all we have is a bunch of Dad's Army types aimlessly marching up and down with broom handles (car-crushing Cllr Green excepted).

I'd stand for election myself, but unfortunately, due to the anonymous nature of my persona, nobody would know who I was!