Turnip Circus In Town

I was idly thinking of tooling over to the Winter Gardens to take a squiz at Stage C of the Turner Contemporary design, which the architects are going to treat us poor mortals to this evening.

But frankly I can't be arsed. If you go, and it looks any better than Stage B (see below), do let me know. No, on second thoughts, don't bother.

Bob Makes A Few Bob

I see from the trade papers that Sir Bob's TV company Ten Alps, which recently won the contract to supply us with Kent County Council TV, has reported pre-tax profits up 36% to £2.3m for the year ended 31 March 2007. Turnover was up 63.5% to £69m.

How cockle-warming to know that my council tax will presumably be helping him make an even bigger lump of folding next year!

Ramsgate Property Nicer Than Margate

According to my counterstateriserometer, a reader in Suffolk landed here earlier this morning by asking Google the following question: 'Property Margate or Ramsgate Nicer'?

So, on the off chance that they should return, and as part of my duty in providing a public service, here's some property in Ramsgate:

And here's some property in Margate:

SchemeLand

Bear with me, this one's a bit complicated.

According to the BBC Kent website, some old rides from Southport's Pleasureland, which abruptly closed last September, are being put in storage in preparation for the opening of a heritage amusement park on the Dreamland site in Margate.

Now, as far as I can recall, there are currently no plans for a 'heritage amusement park' on the Dreamland site, which has been closed since last year, apart from two tentative proposals put forward by property developers the Margate Town Centre Regeneration Company, aka Waterbridge, aka J Godden Esq (40%). And it's true that one of these proposals mumbled something about putting a few old ferris wheels around the listed scenic railway in order to justify a whole pile of luxury apartments, hotels, 'leisure', the usual old crap.

However, these proposals remain just that, proposals. They are not approved plans, and go totally against the view of a government inspector that the entire site should remain devoted to traditional seaside attractions. So the storage of these rides would appear rather premature.

Premature, that is, until you realise that the Save Dreamland Campaign which has long battled against the developers, has now rolled over and had its tummy tickled by them. Not only do the plans for this 'heritage amusement park' appear on the SDC website, but the SDC's website, in a touching show of mutual appreciation, now appears as a link on the developers' website. So it all now looks rather like a fait accompli.

Still with me? It gets better. Having only been closed for a few months, the reason for putting Southport's Pleasureland rides into storage is because it is being transformed into a '£100m+ Euro Park', according to local sources. Something that Dreamland could only ever, er, dream of it seems.

Plane Stupid

Mind you, impressive as Margate's Big Event is, it does seem more than a trifle unfair that the one weekend of the year when Margatonians have to put up with aircraft flying inches from their rooftops it's Red Arrows and Spitfires, whereas all we get in Ramsgate is those knackered old jumbos threatening to blow our tiles off every ten minutes!

Feeling A Little Crook

Yikes! Must have had a bad prawn at the Big Event yesterday. Either that, or the shock of enjoying a day out in Margate has caused some sort of allergic reaction.

What The Dickens

Oh go on then, I'm in a giving, generous mood, so I'll also mention that Dickens Week starts in Boredstares this weekend too. So if dressing in Victorian bathing costumes and cramming small children up chimleys is your cup of Earl Grey, you know where to go!

Margate Bignews

Quite why I should be publicising Margate, let alone a jolly organised by Thanet Council, is a question only Dr Fraudstein, my celebrity psychiatrist, can answer. But I've been asked to point out that the Arsonists are hosting their 'Big Event' on both days this weekend.

Actually it's a replacement for the Kent Air Show which has been held at Palm Bay for the last two years, but whose organisers went nipples up earlier this year. Still, it's free, and there is a full programme of flying, including the splendid Battle of Britain Memorial Flight, as well as clowns, stunt motorcycle riding, bands, and a beer tent. Acts which particularly caught my eye were:

Bruce Airhead – a man and a six foot balloon
Skate Naked –dazzling duo, winners of five international festivals, and
Zios and Zigra our resident robots (eh?).

You'll also get the chance to enjoy Clown Bluey, Bob Jobbins and a chainsaw carver.

Full Saturday Programme
Full Sunday Programme

It seems that the Red Arrows are only appearing on Saturday, so in case you miss them here they are at the Isle of Wight Festival last weekend, as filmed by my fellow Thanet blogger Big Blog Adem:

Right, that's enough of that Margate talk, it's made me feel a trifle queasy. I'm off to see my shrink.

Fish Tale

As I'm sure you've noticed, Margate has recently disappeared from the BBC's weather maps on digital text. But the good news is that, with veteran weather chap Michael Fish standing in for Kaddy Tea-Pot on our local news this week, Ramsgate's been on the telly every single night!

Usually the place names are rotated nightly to avoid letters from 'Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells' complaining that they didn't get a guernsey. Perhaps a strong and unexpected gust of wind blew Fishy's notes on how to change the graphics off his desk.

Fair Comment

Our local council have been awarded a 'fair' for performance from the Audit Commission. That's better than 'weak' in 2004, but not as good as, um, 'good', or even 'excellent'. The commission described the Uranians as having a 'well developed' community leadership role, with ambitions that are 'soundly based on consultation'.

I'll leave it up to you lot to comment, as anything I might say probably wouldn't stand a hope in hell of being classified as 'fair'.

TDC press release

Pass The Huffkins

I've noticed 'Kentish Huffkins' on the menu in a number of eateries around here. There's nothing I enjoy more than a plate of steaming great huffkins.

My old culinary chum Gordon literally swears by them.

Sea Art

Staying with the subject of art, I see Ruth Cutler is progressing nicely with her sea garden at the end of one of those fourteen car parks that adorn our front. Ruth, who I like to think of as Ramsgate's more talented (natch) answer to Margate's Lady of the Soiled Bedsheet, is transforming this patch of scrub into something a bit special with a briny twist.

I understand there were some terrific seaside natives growing there, which would have made splendid home grown fodder for the project, had the council not come along and sprayed it all with weedkiller a few days before she started (natch).

Wall Art

Here's an idea for arts regeneration on the Ile. This rotating wall has been installed by sculptor Richard Wilson (I don't believe it!) at the knackered old Yates's Wine Lodge building in Liverpool. Dubbed Turning The Place Over it's a bargain at £450,000! The official launch is on 20th June.

How about we commission him to do the same thing for Arlington House? It would cost an awful lot less than the £17.4m + £8m we're spending on the Turnip Centre. We could even call it Turnering The Place Over, should we feel the need to keep the connection!

Dome Truths

Mozying along the front yesterday evening in a bid to catch the last rays of the sun, I was overcome by an irresistible urge to have a flutter. And not wishing to go home and change into my DJ, I spurned our Casino Royale in favour of one of those slot palaces so beloved of the local pit bull tugging, track suit brigade.

Suitably armed with a couple of bags of two pence pieces (tuppenny bits in old money), I headed for one of those attractions where you have to judge the right moment to deposit your hard-earned dosh so that it pushes great piles of copper out of the machine. I was doing rather well, until I heard a distinctly non-metallic thud emanate from the pay-out drawer.

It seems I was now the, er, proud owner of a Millennium Dome souvenir eraser, complete with the slogan 'There's No Place Like Dome' on the reverse. I wonder what my old showbiz chum and antiques supremo Michael Aspel would make of that?

China Syndrome

Reader Jan writes:

It seems we're all turning Chinese here on the Ile de Thanet, what with the announcement of a new development for 3,000,000 Chinese businesses at Manston, and your plan to re-brand our local disused power station as 'Richborough - Our Great Wall of China'. Do you by any chance have any pictures that would show the Chinese how much we welcome their cultural and business input here in Thanet?

Happy to oblige, Jan:

Photo Op

The Uranians are promoting a photo competition on their website, and we're all invited to send in our snaps! It's backed by SEEDA (South East England Development Agency) and runs from 15-30th of June. The blurb says they are looking for photographs...

...that you think uniquely portray the identity of where you live or of a place in the region that you know well, and that shows the way you see or feel about it.

It could be a picture of an individual building, of the place in general, of a public space, a park or private garden or of anything that is significant to that area. Ask yourself, ‘Just what is it that makes the place where I live special?’.

Here's my entry, I've called it 'Granville Landfill'. What do you think?

Sham Pain

Not so long ago one of my fellow Thanet bloggers, Big Adem, exposed an email scam in which the perps were claiming to be dispensing hundreds of pounds worth of M&S vouchers in conjunction with Persimmon Homes. Of course, it turned out to be b*lls.

Now, it would appear, I've fallen foul of a similar scam. This time we're being promised a free case of Veuve Clicquot champagne. Here's what the email says:

Hello all Champagne lovers. Send this message to 10 people, with a copy to markp@spier.co.za Veuve Clicquot France will contact you in order to deliver to you a case of champagne in three weeks. They are doing this to enlarge their database. It does work and you receive 6 bottles in 15 days. Thanks Anna x

Now, upon checking Mr Markp's email address, it would appear to belong to a South African leisure and property business. And just for comparison, here is the French champagne company Veuve Clicquot's site. I rest my case. Or is it half a case? I do wish these spammers would at least be consistent.

Anyhow, as regular readers know my favourite tipple is Krug so it's no loss. And if exposing this gets me 5000+ hits like it did Big Adem, I'll be opening a few bottles this evening!

Update: From Veuve Clicquot's website:

Dear websurfer,

A promotional deal is currently on the Net regarding a free offer of a case of 6 bottles of Veuve Clicquot champagne.

This is a hoax, totally beyond our control; and, of course, we are not the author. We do not gather any e-mail nor build up any database.

We strongly condemn the author of this hoax and hope that it will end.

Yours sincerely,

Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin

Firepower Station

As regular readers will know, for some time now I've been pondering what we should do with that disused power station down at Richborough. It seems my application to convert it into a nuclear facility has fallen on stony ground, despite the positive noises the government has been making recently towards glow-in-the-dark electricity generation.

So imagine my surprise to discover that it's already being put to good use - as an urban combat area for pellet-powered war games. These chaps at Shadow Ops Airsoft Ramsgate have renamed the site 'Rackstock Nuclear Power Plant, Nabraska Desert, USA', and are planning 'Operation Rainbow - Year 2018' at Richborough this coming weekend.

Should all go with a bang, methinks, but why stop there? Perhaps we can transform the place into a global tourist attraction, just like those cheeky Kiwis have done with one of their power stations:

Bling King Sell

Flicking through a recent issue of Jewellery Focus, as you do, I stumbled across an advertisement for Hiltons, the Margate jewellers in the crown. Apparently the shop is up for sale, complete with £85,000 goodwill price tag. Maybe they're retiring to concentrate on running the family home, Bling Bleak House in Broadstairs.

So I'd better snap up that little bargain I saw on their website the other day before they go. Patek Philippe watch, secondhand, a snip at £160,000!

A Journalist Writes...

Good morning,

I just wanted to drop you a line regarding some of the comments which have appeared on the Eastcliff Richard blog this week.

Although I appreciate that they have not been made by yourself I'm sure you are more than aware that as the publisher of the blog you bear ultimate responsibility for them.

I note with some interest that you have failed to remove several of the more offensive posts relating to myself.

I have no problem with people who may dislike me for whatever reason, did not like my People article, or just generally want to have a moan.

But some have clearly crossed the acceptable line of fair comment and honestly held opinion and veered into libel territory.

For the record I can assure you that I am not - and never have been a Nazi, and take any suggestions otherwise extemely seriously.

Hence the use of the phrase "Nazi Nick" certainly could be held to be libellous - and as the blog's publisher I'm sure you are aware that had the case been taken to court the onus would have been on yourself to prove I am in fact a member of the Nazis - or risk a payout of substantial damages.

I like your blog and always take the trouble to have a look at what's going on - and am happy to accept any robust criticism which you or your readers may choose to place in my direction.

What I cannot accept, however, are clearly libellous statements such as the ones which continue to be displayed.

If you would like to discuss this matter further please don't hesitate to get in touch.

If these kind of libellous comments continue to appear I will left with no alternative but to instruct my solicitors.

Yours sincerely,

Nick Dorman.

Actually at no point did the phrase 'Nazi Nick' appear in any of the comments appended to my item Dorman of the People but to save him the trouble of instructing his solicitors, all comments that may have been construed as offensive to Mr Dorman have been removed, and I would like to offer him a full apology for any distress that may have been caused.

Join The E.R.A.

The Eastcliff Residents' Association should be out and about in an hour or so, appending more of these protest signs to the 'temporary' fencing along our crumbling cliff top.

According to their website, they do this every Friday at 4.30pm. 'Two years of temporary fence is not right' is their rallying cry, and I wholeheartedly agree with them. Personally, though, I prefer to take more direct action, so this afternoon I've placed an order with Heras for 200 metres of their product to be positioned around my, er, new home at 17 Crow Hill, Broadstairs.

KCC TV Will Not Be In Russian

Leafing through my copy of Around Kent, which that nice ruddy-faced man from Kent County Council sent me today, I notice a feature headlined: It's TV - But Not How (surely 'As'? - Ed.) You Know It.

Alongside a picture of Saint Gob of Beldof, whose company Ten Bobs has won the £600,000 a year contract to run the council's TV station, we are told:

It won't be a re-enactment of Russian TV in the days of communism with someone reading the latest KCC press release.

Phew! Thank heavens for that. My former newsreading chum Olga used to get very fed up reading out those KCC press releases, and the prospect of having to do it all over again was giving her the abdabs. The article continues:

What better way for a youngster to train for a job in the media than to get involved in making real programmes that are relevant and interesting.

No better way indeed, which is why I shall be advising any youngster who asks not to waste his or her time making anything for KCC TV.

Knees Up

Margatonians are holding a bit of a shindig tonight to celebrate the arrival of later opening hours for the season. Fireworks, a band, and all courtesy of Margate Town Partnership. So be in the piazza (that's The Parade in old money) or be, erm, somewhere else.

Actually there's not been a lot of publicity for this, they couldn't even be bothered to flag it on their new website, so heaven knows whether anyone will actually turn up. Still, nobody can say I don't do my bit for the Arsonists.

Up The Front

Thanet Adscene's front page lead today is: Life Changed By A Rhino. No, no, sorry, that's just the ad wrapper extolling the virtues of some kind of Davros undercarriage...

No, the actual front page screams: A Beautiful New Front. And the front they're talking about isn't Dolly Parton impersonator Mandy Winters's either. It's jolly old Ramsgate! Apparently we're about to get a massive £1.5m injection up our front, which will be used to repair some of the 215 listed properties we have in this area over the coming five years. Of course, I shall be applying for a grant to spruce up the old cliff top mansion, a few Gs should do it.

We were told a year ago that the Heritage Lottery Fund was giving us a load of dosh, and Margate and Boredstares got their handouts way back when Cockie was an egg, so this announcement, if it's approved at tonight's council meeting, is a tad overdue but nonetheless welcome.

I don't know. What with the prospect of repairs to our crumbling cliff, the library being rebuilt, and now this, I might have to hang up my computer and retire.

Pleasuredrama

Sniffing around the blog of our local doctor/councillor councillor/doctor last night, I spied a piece of interesting news.

Of course, I wouldn't ordinarily have been lurking there had it not been for a tip-off from one of my vast band of loyal readers that Dr Simes had been bitten by the same dog twice in the space of a few months whilst riding his bicycle. The hound goes by the name of 'Roly', and I was intending to point out that, despite past animosities between Lord Simes and myself, I only possess a cat, Bertie the Burmese, and that training him to do anything more than sleep all day would test the patience of a saint.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered a comment from our local bibliobloke and dogged Pleasurama digger Michael Child. In it he reveals that he has spoken to the architect of the long-awaited Pleasurama development here in Ramsgate, who has told him that our crumbling cliff will be repaired by the council this autumn, in preparation for the start of construction on the site in spring 2008 (a year behind schedule, but never mind).

Quite why he decided to break this important Ramsgate news in such an obscure way, on a little-read blog based in the tawdry Tory north of the island, is beyond me. Still, I suppose we only have the word of the architect, and it was an architect who told us the Turnip Centre would be opening in 2004.

What A Sauce

Frankly I am not HP! The gig at Dover Castle turned out to be a right stinker. I had to sit in a tunnel all day, covered in ketchup, pretending to be a wounded WW2 airman. I tell you, for an artiste of my calibre it was humiliating beyond belief.

And the facilities! Well, see for yourself...

Happy Blogday!

Lumme! I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be mentioning the Thanet Times twice in 24 hours, but yesterday's edition was positively rapturous about the Ile's blogging scene a year on from the inception of that terrific Thanet Blog List. They'd even gone to the trouble of baking us silly bloggers a scratch and sniff birthday cake.

What a turn around from the dark days when I began this drivel, which they described back then as 'Cyber Nerd Has Pop At Isle In Posion (sic) Blog Entry'. Now I'm a 'bachelor playboy' who 'has a pop at everything from pizza delivery men to top Tory Sandy Beach'. How things have, um, changed.

There's also a birthday message from our local car crushing, caff crushing, graffiti removing Councillor Dave Green, a mention of my arch nemesis Dr Councillor/Councillor Dr Simon Moores, and a gong for Birchington Boy Justin Brown, who gets the Most Bizarre Blog Award. No mention of Bignews Tony, though, which is a bit of an oversight in my opinion.

Still, the publicity has done me no end of good, and Bev, my agent, rang earlier to say that I've got a late booking for something at Dover Castle. Probably a period drama. Laters!

Dorman Of The People

Northsiders appear to have been much irritated recently by the re-emergence of former Gazunder reporter Nick Dorman at The People. Apparently he's said some rather rude things about Margate in the latest edition of the paper.

I must admit that I haven't bought a red top in years, but rummaging through the piles of newspapers I keep for Bertie's litter tray I found an old copy of the Thanet Times, the Gazunder's sister paper, in which Our Nick used to write a column called 'In the Nick of Time' (geddit!!?!?!).

So in case anyone over in the Arsonists' Playground is on the lookout for him, here he is:

I have no doubt that even Margatonians will be able to spot a chap wearing a cardboard Big Ben outfit.

Click here to read Nick's 'Sun Scroungers' story in The People.

10 Things You Didn't Know About Heras Fencing

Isle of Thanet Gazunder Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide

Everyone's talking about Heras fencing! And with the East Cliff display now in its third season, and growing bigger every year, we've spent half an hour trawling the Heras website to bring you this fence-tastic guide to Heras - the company that invented the concept of temporary fencing and remains the European market leader!

1. If all the Heras fencing in the UK was joined up, it would stretch as far as Copenhagen.
2. Blacksmith Archibald Heras invented the system while attempting to improve the design of mobile bedsteads for Wellington's army.
3. David Bowie's 70s hit We Could Be Heroes was written as an advertising jingle for the firm and was originally called We Could Use Heras.
4. Heras fencing is used at London Zoo to prevent gorillas from accidentally mating.
5. The town of Arras in northern France took its name from the amount of temporary fencing used during its construction.
6. On the Pacific island of Tonga, Heras fencing is seen as a status symbol, with the king possessing more than 23 miles of it.
7. Irish composer Padraig O Floinn's Dublin Symphony uses two lengths of Heras fencing instead of a woodwind section.
8. Many superstitions have grown up around the fencing, and some people in Scotland believe that it can cure warts.
9. Much of the Space Shuttle was constructed out of Heras fencing.
10. Future Prime Minister Gordon Brown is a fan, and refuses to travel without taking at least one section with him.

Shots Heard In Broadstairs High Street

Reader Clive has emailed me this eyewitness account:

I was in Broadstairs High Street this afternoon when I heard two gunshots fired. I also saw a number of armed police, accompanied by a police video unit, along with a number of police vehicles.

BBC local news carried a short report this evening confirming that officers from the Metropolitan Police had carried out a raid in the town in connection with a murder enquiry. And who said nothing ever happened in Boredstares? Oh yes, sorry, it was me.

Update: full report including pictures on Kent Online.

EDF Off

Those garlic munchers at Électricité de France (EDF) did their best to ruin my soufflé earlier. Yet again their hamster fell off its wheel for a good 30 minutes or so.

My spies tell me the power cut was islandwide. Well, I say that, but I only happen to know that the lights also went out in Cliftonville. So they can hardly have noticed, one presumes.

Dog Day Afternoon

Attempting to blow the cobwebs from the old noggin yesterday afternoon, I went for a saunter to Pegwell Bay. Back in April I reported that dogging had become prevalent in the car park there according to one of our local papers, so it was no surprise to see the first of what is hoped to be an annual show in full swing.

One of the organisers told me it had proved quite popular despite a distinct lack of publicity, and that they'd had more than 100 entries. I wasn't surprised, however. Since my report last April, a significant proportion of those who scan my blog appear to have arrived via a Google search for 'dogging + Pegwell Bay', so word has definitely got around.

VG News

Unfortunately Friday's pub crawl turned into a bit of a session. I believe the current usage is 'mullared'. Consequently I spent the whole of yesterday nursing the mother of all hangovers.

Still, back in harness today, and Dame Janet has emailed me this delightful sketch of Ramsgate by none other than old One Ear himself, Vincent Van Gogh. I'm not sure if she's got the original, but if she has it will make an excellent addition to my Van Gogh Contemporary!

Booze Nooze

Well, well, well. With the Belgian Bar open again, and Churchills painted a tasteful shade of cream, it looks as if a crawl around Ramsgate's rub-a-dubs is in order! And just to put the cherry in the daquiri, the sun's come out!

Ramsgreat Ideas - The Winner!

The judges (me) have spent most of the day scrutinising the piles of entries in my Richard Eastcliff Award For A Grand Design For Ramsgate. The idea was to give Ramsgate an iconic building for the 21st Century, seeing as most of the publicity, and money, seems to go to Margate these days.

The top three have now been picked, and so, in true showbiz fashion, I'll announce the winners in reverse order.

In third place is Terracotta Glenn with his idea, based on a visit to China's famous terracotta army, to place larger-than-lifesize terracotta Vikings along our seafront. Here's what it might look like:

In second place is Dame Janet's comprehensive re-working of the seafront, including a restored Royal Pavilion, swimming pool and skate park (although presumably other types of fish will also be exhibited). You can take a peek at Dame Janet's entry here.

And now for the winner (drum roll). It gives me enormous pleasure to announce that the Richard Eastcliff Award For A Grand Design For Ramsgate goes to... Richard Eastcliff, for his suggestion that Ramsgate should build a Van Gogh Contemporary, seeing as the monaural artist spent at least ten minutes enjoying a cup of tea here once, and if it's good enough for Margate, it should be good enough for us too.

I will forthwith be applying to the relevant authorities for a grant of £169m, which I am assured from initial exploratory discussions will arrive in the form of an open cheque next week.

Separated At Birth?

Reader Samantha writes:

I wonder if anyone else has spotted a similarity between the late, great comedian Dick Emery and celebrity chatter Vanessa Feltz? Are they by any chance related?

Dick

Vanessa

Profitta Rolls

What a dreary week. The weather's been dreadful, That Bloody Awful Noel has got a new show on Sky, it's enough to make you want to stick your head in your Smeg oven.

So I thought I'd cheer myself up by ordering a pizza. Clearly the chap who put this menu together had high margins and expensive motors in mind so they were just thing. And, of course, I rounded the meal off with coffee and Bentley Continental chocolates!

Son Of Turnip?

Northsiders appear to be getting more than a little hot under the collar about the sale of one of the jewels in Margate's regeneration crown, the Outfitters Gallery in the Increasingly Less Creative Quarter.

Since I broke the news that it's up for sale for £415,000, there have been calls for an investigation into whether the £100,000+ funding from GOSE (the Government of the South East - who they???) and the Arts Council (via Kent Creative Partnerships) has been well spent. Oh yes, well and truly, I would say - the solid oak worktop in the kitchen is to die for! Lovetts' details certainly appear to put more emphasis on the place as a charming pied-a-mer than a thriving art gallery and place for the kiddies to come and make papier mache walruses.

Personally I can't see what all the fuss is about. After all, we're not talking about anything like the £8m that was wasted on the 'offshore' Turnip Centre, and anyway GOSE would surely have ensured the money could be clawed back from any profit from a sale within a certain time after the funding was handed out. They surely would have. Surely. They would. No, they would have, surely.

Outfitters Gallery on the GOSE website
Outfitters Gallery on the Lovetts website

Fly Con

I see yet another seedy and shabby part of Kent is to get an 'iconic building' in the hope that it will do for the area what the Ted Turner Centre has so far done for Margate (i.e create a lot of jobs for architects, consultants, estate agents and property speculators).

According to a report on the BBC's website, this time it's the Isle of Sheppey that's going to benefit from funding to the tune of £37m. It's all based on the island's, um, famous connections to the birth of the aircraft industry, so maybe it stands half a chance of taking off. Although given the track record of iconic buildings in Kent, I wouldn't be surprised if it's still taxiing down the runway 20 years from now.

More Ramsgreat Ideas

A reader calling herself Dame Janet has emailed yet another entry in my Richard Eastcliff Award For A Grand Design For Ramsgate competition, and pretty comprehensive it is too. She writes:

Restoration of Ramsgate Seafront

1. Royal Victoria Pavilion
To be restored as an entertainment venue with restaurant, and roof garden with café. Small lock-up seaside shops round base as originally

2. Maritime Museum
To be modernised and rearranged to include Tourist Information Centre and two rooms upstairs for a Ramsgate Museum

3. Former Pleasurama site
Exterior of building to be same shape and in the spirit of the original Harbour Station . To be redeveloped as a leisure centre and swimming pool for all residents and visitors to enjoy with full length glass walls on seaward side

4. Marina Restaurant
To be refurbished as holiday apartments with cafe underneath

5. Marina Road
Cliff face arches and road arches to be all restored and re-faced in red brick to match Royal parade on other side of harbour

6. Site of old Marina swimming pool
To become a supervised skateboard park and roller rink

Sounds splendid, Dame Janet, and if put into practice would furnish Ramsgate with more front than Dolly Parton.

Send your Grand Design for Ramsgate by midnight on Thursday 31st May to:

richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk

Pain In The Grass

Cripes! That's the last time I try starting the old Lawnflite 909 under the influence of a couple of G&Ts, I can tell you. The QEQM were marvellous, though, and didn't seem to mind at all when I gave them the finger.

My thanks to Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) for holding the proverbial in my absence.

All The Types Of Work Of The Plumbing Undertaken

When I to look at after this place for Mr. Eastcliff, I thought that I would apprehend the chance to have a glad chat with you regarding the work that terrific I make in the field of the plumbing.

If it is a suite that full of the bathroom you are looking at to install, or only some washers in the taps to blink that they need to move, the plumbing of Mr. Ceaucescu (no relation) is its reply. We work to the better standards placed by the Institute Romanian of the Plumbing and also do work to the BRITISH standards such as CORGI (even so I we thought always that this age the dog of The Queen! Ha-ha I makes little joke).

They go thus on, give them one clinked. We are 24 hours here the one day, 7 days one week. We do not load a tax of call-out, and will always give a honest estimate to it before profollowing with the work. It is forgotten rest - the plumbing it Mr. Ceaucescu (no relation) is better!

Mr Richard Easctliff To Be Unwell

To have itself wounded in an accident lawnmowing bizarre however non-lifethreatening, Mr. Richard Eastcliff is incapable contributes its today blog. Sincerest offers to its apologies more.

The better desires,

Mr. Ceaucescu (no relation).

Ramsgate 1, Margate 0

The latest edition of the Lonely Planet Guide to the UK describes Ramsgate as 'picturesque', according to a report in the Kent on Sunday newspaper.

Margate also gets a guernsey, but is rapped for exhibiting 'the melancholy air of a town past its prime'. Meanwhile Boredstares 'plays the Victorian nostalgia card' to attract the tourists. No surprises there, then.

Whelkome News

As if to prove that Ramsgate isn't being completely left behind in the culture stakes, I see we now have a whelk stall to rival Mannings on Margate Pier, promising to sell all sorts of seafood and fresh fish seven days a week.

It's run by the ubiquitous Cannons, who've been boat and fisher folk here since before the Vikings invaded. They've just been given their licence by TDC, so yesterday was their first day. And already they're becoming a bit tired of people shouting: 'Have yer got any crabs on yer, cock?'

Puff The Margate Dragon

Reader Rachel from Ramsgate writes:

I was aghast to see the awful puff piece for Margate on BBC South East News last night. I presume one of the producers has just bought a little investment number there, or TDC press office finally managed to take somebody out to lunch, or both! The town's putative renaissance appeared to be based on three interviews - one with Eli who runs the Sugar Lounge, who seemed rather non-committal if you ask me, the property developer who renovated the Sea Bathing Hospital (they would say that wouldn't they) and someone from SEEDA (they would say that wouldn't they). Ken Wills' Westwood Chinese business park had also suddenly become part of Margate to give it the 'tiger economy' feel. No mention was made of any setbacks such as the recent closure of the Outfitters Gallery, or the Turner Contemporary fiasco, or the fact that Ramsgate, not Margate, has received all the positive property press in the past year or two.

The BBC played straight into the hands of TDC, whose draft plan places Margate at the top of the list for any creative or arts funding, and Ramsgate as a dormitory for a port and airport. Ramsgate used to have a vibrant arts scene, and still does to some extent, but this is being gradually and deliberately eroded as the plan from Margate takes effect. Latest rumour is that the Gallery IOTA people, who were forced to move out of their building in Ramsgate, have now been tempted over to Margate to regenerate the pier.

I'm not saying that Margate doesn't need some help, of course it does. Paigle did a magnificent job on the Sea Bathing Hospital, it should have been the Turner Centre, but that's in the past. And Eli deserves all the luck he can get. But none of this should be at the expense of Ramsgate. Our town is undergoing cultural cleansing in this mad dash to do something, anything, for Margate. I think a lot of people here are beginning to get extremely fed up with all the initiatives and funding that come out of North Thanet for North Thanet, and are beginning to wonder why they should bother paying their council tax if they're not going to see any benefit for it.

Update: You can watch the report again on the BBC South East website for a limited period here, click on the story entitled 'A New Vision For Thanet'. That's if you've got the right plug-in for the awful BBC player.

Cooking The Books

Reader Izzy writes:

I've just been down to have a look at the library, as I heard the contractors were to start the rebuild today following the arson attack in 2004. The gates were open, but there was nobody at home! Not a sign of any work or workmen. With the kids off for the long weekend, what a great opportunity for some little tyke to get his My Little Arsonist Kit out all over again!

And she's emailed me the pictures to prove it:

Ramsgate Library: open door policy

Please pay your overdue fines as you go in

Bandstand Bash

The Eastcliff Residents Association are holding a bit of a do tomorrow afternoon at our brand new, super-duper, out-of-this-world bandstand. Let's hope the weather holds out for it.

Turps and terpsichory are promised, although dancing will presumably be limited to tripping only the very lightest of fantastics, given the state of our crumbling cliff.

News Snooze

Once again the Gazunder has followed up two of my stories. Drugs raids (from two weeks ago) is today's front page lead, and caulis (from a week ago, and which the BBC followed up on Monday) lead page two.

Perhaps I should be charging a licence fee and taking advertising!

Hazy Days

The beautiful weather continues here in the Cannes of Kent. Looking out from the East Cliff towards Big Deal and Getting Walmer, a sea haze accentuates the coast all the way round to Dover. Across the Channel, a dark brown strip hovers above the Frenchies.

What better way to while away the afternoon than watching the world go by, licking an ice cream outside Ronnie Corbett's teeny-tiny kiosk, and chewing the cud with Ramsgate Firster Gerry O'Donnell? Which is precisely what I did.

Italianate My Greenhouse

It's such a beezer day here in the tip of Kent that I've spent the morning strolling in the sun through the King George VI Memorial Park. Let's face it, I've got B-all else to do.

The Italianate greenhouse looked like a giant insect baking in the sun. I've always wondered what happened to the rest of the estate that it belonged to. So I was grateful for the following history lesson in the helpful leaflet 'Glasshouse Glory', published by the Uranians:

East Cliff Lodge remained in the Montefiore family until 1935, when Mrs Arthur Sebag-Montefiore finally put the estate on the market, after the untimely death of her husband in a flying accident at nearby Manston. At this point the house was bought by a private company, for use as a country club. During the Second World War soldiers were billeted there, and later on Thanet District Council acquired the property. The Lodge, sadly, was demolished in 1954...

So, nine years at most in the hands of TDC and the place had to be trashed. I think I'll place that in the plus ca change file.

Art Monitor

I haven't been firing on all one cylinder recently, must be the shock and desolation of not getting the speaking clock gig. And Bev, my agent, promised I'd be a shoo-in. Shows what she knows.

Consequently I omitted to mention that I bumped into one of the Ile's most influential wrinkly rockers during my sojourn in the Arsonists' Playground on Monday night. Genial Margatonian Mark Hewins, who plays with Saint Gob of Beldof, was instrumental in the guerilla music protest at the Turnip Centre's M&S wing last year, which was at the time exhibiting a huge black rubber ball and some other things.

You can read all about Mark's search for a pair of authentic, artistic, grass root Reg Grundies on his website.

Speaking of grass roots art, yet another new blog sprang up here in the Monte Carlo of Kent yesterday. Zumi means 'buzz' in Esperanto and 'that's the only explanation you get for now...'. The blog also links to ThanetCAN (Creative Arts Network), which sports a jolly nice photograph of the Grand Turk leaving the Royal Harbour yesterday. And that's about it so far.

Blimey, we can't grow caulis anymore here on the Ile de Thanet, but boy, can we grow blogs!

Sign Wave

There's no stopping Terracotta Glenn, the reader who sent in his plan for larger-than-lifesize Vikings along the seafront in my Richard Eastcliff Award For A Grand Design For Ramsgate competition. He's sent me two more signs with the missive:

I attach some further suggestions for signage along the crumbling cliff face. Not just to protect visitors and bumbling locals from their own folly, but as tourist attractions in themselves.



With Manston about to become a Chinese business park, the sooner we get these signs erected the better!

Turk Off

What a magnificent sight the Grand Turk made as she sailed out over a milky sea past the old cliff top mansion just now. Accompanied by the roar of cannons, and repeatedly dive-bombed by a couple of howling veteran planes, it was enough to bring a tear to my glass eye.

If the rumours are true that she's up for sale, we may never see her like in the Millionaires' Playground again. Sniff.

You Heard It Here First

Being a modest, retiring, bashful sort of fellow I wouldn't normally crow about beating the BBC to an important bit of local news. So I won't mention that they've only just caught up with my cauliflower story of last week.

Kuh! I don't know. Perhaps I should be charging you lot a licence fee!

BBC cauliflowers 'ere

Open And Shut Case

Here's a bit of an admission. I actually enjoyed a night out in Margate yesterday!

On the way to meet my chums for a gargle or two (yes, it's true, I do have friends on the north of the Ile), I noticed that something called The Flower Lab is due to open in what the Uranians insist on calling the 'creative quarter':

Nothing too creative about experimenting on poor, defenceless nasturtiums, but good luck to them anyway. Then I noticed one of the creative flagships of the creative quarter has creatively closed:

This is the place that those nice people at GOSE (Government of the South East) spent a substantial amount of money (or European Objective 2 Funding as they prefer to call it) on not so long ago. Now it's up for sale for a cool £415,000.

GOSE, you'll recall, is also the body that recently tipped the nod to 1300 new houses at Westworld Cross. I don't recall voting for them, but it's nevertheless reassuring to know that all the tax I give them is being put to such, um, profitable use.

Outfitters Gallery on the GOSE website
Outfitters Gallery on the Lovetts website
And if you fancy running an Italian restaurant, Soprano in Cliftonville is up for sale too!

Ted Dead?

Well I must say the Baftas weren't quite what I expected last night. Much of the razzmatazz seems to have gone now that they've moved them to the Granville CineTheatre here on our East Cliff, and there were more pensioners sporting Dannimacs than I recall from previous awards nights. Come to think of it, there didn't seem to be any awards either.

And what's happened to my erstwhile commentator Dane Valley Ted? His blog appears to have been overrun by some gambling nonsense. And as a consequence the Thanet Blog List Recent Feeds page is turning into one humungous great bookie's ad.

I wonder if this is some money-making scheme DVT's come up with? Or perhaps he's cashed in his chips? If you're out there, Ted, give us a sign.

Baftas

Must dash - just off to the Baftas. And so handy to get to this year!

East Cliff Chopper Strikes Again!

It started with Pugin's nose. Then it was his concrete lion. Not long after, our car crushing, caff crushing, graffiti removing local Councillor Dave Green's bollards were hacked off.

Now someone's gone and hopped off with our all new, turret-mounted, M61 Vulcan 20mm rapid firing machine gun with infrared night vision, which was protecting one of our marvellous monuments from the daubists. Is nothing sacred?

28 March - ICCCTV

19 May - INoCCCTV

MP Plea

Just in case anyone thought I was less than even-handed banging on about the Blue Rinsers during the local elections, here's a little treat you may have missed. It's our local Labour MP, Dr Steve Ladychap, putting in a last minute plea on 2 May, the day before the election, for everyone to vote Tony.

Unfortunately for Dr Ladychap, when I spotted this earlier today, more than two weeks after the votes were counted, only 14 people had viewed it. That's substantially less than half the number of candidates that Labour actually put up in Thanet.

He's also clearly in need of some media training, and where better to get it than from yours truly? After all, look what I did for Bignews Tony.

Watch Ladyboy video.

Manston Pickle

Yikes! Pootling around the interwhatsit just now, I noticed a recent and rather gloomy discussion about the future of RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport on something called the Professional Pilots Rumour Network. Here's a taster:

And I keep hearing about investment in the airfield. Personally, I would draw a distinction between investment and spending money on repairs and maintenance. The radar was stuffed. It had to be fixed. That's not investment. It's just running costs. Real money will have to be spent on sorting out the airfield's drainage and fuel tanks. Again. this is money down the drain (pardon the pun). These things don't increase your revenue stream (like a new terminal). They just allow you to keep going.

I think Infratil have some tough decisions to make. The airfield needs investment, millions of pounds. If they're as hard-headed as everyone says, I think they'll, want to see concrete evidence that they will get a return on their investment. The odd flight, now and then, doesn't really constitute hard evidence.

The fly boys then go on to discuss the proposed new airport at Lydd as being a more viable option than our facility. So, what's the betting that my investment banking chum's windfarm-cum-housing estate plan comes to fruitation (as Kevin Keegan once put it) after all?

Typical, isn't it? You spend millions on a cliff top mansion close to an airport where you can park your Lear jet, only to find the wings have come off a couple of years later!

Sign Of The Times

Terracotta Glenn, who sent in his plan for larger-than-lifesize Vikings along the seafront in my Richard Eastcliff Award For A Grand Design For Ramsgate competition, has sent me another photograph from his China trip. He writes:

If Ramsgate is to be taken seriously as an attraction for the rich and geriatric, this picture shows what you really need. A man of your, er, standing in the community must surely have noticed.

I have noticed, Glenn, and more and more frequently as I head towards my, er, 30th year.

Cauli Poor Show

Time for a quick round up of the trade papers.

Fresh produce news, and Kent's biggest cauliflower farmer, Robert Montgomery, is to cease production of the crop as it's no longer financially viable. Mr Montgomery, who farms at Upper Hale, Birchington, near Margate, said that the cauliflower acreage had dropped 35 per cent in the Thanet area over the past six years, and nationally it was nearer 50 per cent. 700 acres of caulis, and 30 staff, will now go from the Montgomery farm.

What odds am I offered that Mr Montgomery will be growing a bumper crop of 'executive homes' in the not too distant future? Although, given climate change, it would be terrific to see peppers, or even olives, replace the fart bushes.

Oh, and the BBC has lost Neighbours, almost certainly to ITV1.

There. Where else would you get brassicas and broadcasting on the same blog? Quality!

Cannes Do

I see from today's Sadscene that a chap from Cliftonville is planning to put Thanet on the movie map by holding an international film festival on the Ile.

Carl Tooney, known to his chums at Warner Bros as 'Looney' Tooney (er, not really, I just made that up) is organising the first, week long festival for June next year. And what better place to hold it than Ramsgate, the Cannes of Kent? (Note to self: must bring forward opening of my new theme restaurant Planet Thanetwood.)

Speaking of which, the Millionaires' Playground is due to feature in a Waitrose ad airing from Monday. The 40 second commercial shows organic Kentish apple juice being delivered to our local store, where you can also buy deliciously appropriate Millionaire Shortbread. Ha! That'll teach the Dickensians to get all hoity-toity over a fleeting glimpse of Boredstares jetty behind that irritating nodding dog flogging car insurance!

And finally, Margate is set to feature on a new set of Royal Snail 'British seaside' stamps. Well, two of the donkeys that wander up and down the beach, that is. Such a shame that no-one from the Arsonists' Playground will ever see the stamps in real life. I mean, who in Margate is ever going to spend 78p on postage?

Cliff Bottom Mansion

Crumbling cliff tops! Our crusading local biblio-bloke, Michael Child, has unearthed the April 2005 engineers' report into the state of our East Cliff, and it doesn't make for reassuring reading. Lowlights listed under 'Summary of Defects' include:

Displacement and failed concrete in concrete barrier
Various cracks
Exposed, rusting reinforcement
Large void behind one of the arches
Horizontal displacement of wall face

The report continues:

There is evidence that the facade's original purpose is to minimise the weathering effect on the chalk cliff face (and this) has not been entirely successful due to lack of maintenance and due to penetration of rainwater giving rise to particle migration.

If my cliff top mansion plummets beachwards I'll have to change the old moniker by deed poll. Somehow, though, Beach Bungalow Bill doesn't quite have the same ring.

More pics of 1947 West Cliff collapse.
Engineers' report on the crumbling East Cliff.