What Do You Think Of It So Far?

Here in Bournemouth, everything is lovely. Not a piece of litter or a barker's nest to be seen. However, my spies back there in the tip of Kent are reporting a different story!

It's been a month since Thanet Duffer Central introduced their new rubbish regime, and things don't appear to be getting any better. Reader John writes:

I live in a back street mews where we have the large, wheeled, communal, dumpster-type bins for general rubbish, food waste and recycling. Until recently they had not been emptied since October. There were maggots in the food waste bin, which stank to high heaven. TDC did come and empty them after I phoned them, but when I spoke to one of their officials on the general topic of the new recycling system, and the possibility that not everyone was putting the correct rubbish in the correct communal bins, he said that if they discovered any rubbish in the wrong bins they would fine every property in the street. Unbelievable.

Not only that, but the seagull-proof sacks are just being thrown around by the bin men without any due care and attention, the result being that household waste is littering the entire street.

Well John, it seems from what you say that the island is reverting back to the bad old days of 2007 - where my photo's from in fact. Even the Isle of Thanet Gazunder has latched onto the rubbish state of affairs, reporting that hideous great rats have been spotted roaming the streets of Cliftonville (click here for the full story).

I dunno, it seems that for every step TDC take forward, they take eleven steps back! So, in the spirit of Back To The Future, here's a little reminder of a fone jacking I performed on them half a decade ago, during their 'Drop It And Cop It' campaign. Enjoy!

Kick ASS 4!

Not the soggy-bottomed exploits at tomorrow's Water Gala, over in the Dickensians' Playground. Nor the feeble sequel that's just arrived at your local Ritzy.

No, I'm talking about something much bigger and better! For, fellow millionaires, it's that time of year again! Time to go and gawp at sculptures made out of a mango and 400,000 used coat hangers. Time to watch a fat lady in a smock warble La Traviata on the beach. Time to see grown men and women dressed as ferrets perform the hula dance whilst chanting verses from T S Eliot's The Waste Land.

Yes, over the three days of this coming bank holiday weekend, the Millionaire's Playground will be playing host to the fourth annual Ramsgate arts festival, more commonly known as A Summer Squall (or ASS for short)!!!!

It promises to be a packed programme, and I suppose now that Thanet Duffer Central has completely abandoned everywhere other than the Arsonists' Playground as a place to hold events, we should support it with all our Ramsgatonian might. Being, as I am, one of the island's leading intellectuals, my particular perennial faves are the Treasure Hunt on Sunday, which takes you on a ramble around Ramsgate's hidden gems, and Ramsgate's Got Writing Talent at the Shirley Temple Yacht Club on Monday, which gives wannabe writers the chance of an introduction to a top literary agent.

But there's loads more, with open studios all over the magnificent Ile de Thanet, a boat parade, traditional family games, a tiny art gallery in a caravan, retro re-creations of old seaside photos, street theatre, a market, comedy musical mayhem, and bands down on our lovely front, headlined by rockin' Si Cranstoun! (Who he? - Ed.) Plus, of course, the aforementioned operatic warbling on the beach.

You can download the full festival programme by clicking here.

Right, it only remains to wish you lots of ASS fun over the old BH weekend! Pip pip!

Tradesman's Entrance

Following on from my last story about Bleak House becoming a B&B, a Broadstairs reader has sent me the above photo of the backside of the place which was taken this morning. My correspondent adds:

The back of Bleak House needs a little work before the great and the good condescend to paying their hard earned wonga. Before Hilton the back was quite reasonable, this has all been done by Mr H and his delightful daughter, and this is the first sight a paying punter will have.

Crikey! I'm not sure if Wayne and Coleen will be coughing up their hard earned sponds to be living the Dickensian dream any time soon!

Finger In The Dyke?

Regular contributor Mr Dickens of Broadstairs writes:

Your recent picture of the Major Domo of Ramsgate in waiting reminded me of one of my favourite esoteric websites - menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com.

I think he could qualify as a mature rug muncher. Do we have any more Thanet celebrities who might make the grade?

PS: You really must stop your middle class jibes about Broadstairs. I would go on longer but I have to put Flavia and Hugo to bed, varnish the Morris Traveller, compose a Haiku for the Broadie, and still catch the last part of Tess of the D'Urbivilles (volume down whilst I read from the original Hardy).

Click here to visit Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

Give My Regards To Broadstairs

Just back from a night of carousing with my Dickensian chums in Boredstares. Actually the place seemed eerily quiet, with landlords complaining that business had slumped. Still, I only had to tiptoe past a couple of rivulets of urine rather than the usual torrent that gushes down the high street at the witching hour, so every cloud has a silver lining.

Looking up from my pint of Masterspew (I've yet to find an establishment that stocks the Gaddfather's finest over there), I spotted a familiar face. None other than my old showbiz chum Simon, er... Simon... of Trevor and Simon fame! Or, er, it might have been Trevor, I could never really distinguish between the two. Trevor and Simon were, of course, the comedy duo on the BBC's Saturday morning kids show Going Live! Sort of the Ant and Dec of the 90s. Except that Ant and Dec were the Ant and Dec of the 90s. And the 00s come to think of it.

Sadly I haven't seen much of Trevor and/or Simon on the old idiot lantern recently. Perhaps, like me, his and/or his career is suffering from the Thanet Effect. Although not a day goes by without me bumping into Timothy Spall trundling around our Royal Harbour, and he's in everything. There's hope yet!

Rammed Up The A*se

As I was toddling back down the A2 after doing my Christmas shopping in Knightsbridge yesterday, the old Toyota Priapus was rear-ended by one of those white Transit vans that seem to regard all three lanes as their own personal domain these days.

I must admit my practice of annoying van drivers when they're behind me by decelerating on downhill stretches, where they like to work up a bit of speed, and accelerating on the uphill stretches, where their underpowered, overburdened hulks struggle to reach the speed limit, may have contributed to the incident. But don't tell my insurance company that.

Bride And Broom

Winter draws on, as my old showbiz 'mum' Mollie Sugden used to quip, so I've been thinking about getting the chimneys swept here at my cliff top mansion.

Riffling throught the Yellow Pages, my glass eye alighted on the above advertisement for JLS Electrical Sweep, who is apparently available for weddings. Now, as Dick Van Dyke memorably informed us, a sweep is as lucky as lucky can be, but Ramsgate must surely be one of the last remaining places where cramming a large brush up your flue is regarded as a guarantee of reaching your diamond wedding anniversary with ne'er a harsh word. Still, it apparently worked (so far at least) for my snooker playing chum Stephen Hendry, who had a sweep in attendance at his wedding in 2003. So who am I to argue?

Mention of Mollie Sugden there reminded me of the dearly departed Ronnie Hazlehurst, who passed on to that great sitcom in the sky this week. Ronnie was the man who penned the theme tunes to many of the best known sitcoms and comedy programmes of the past 30 years, including Yes Minister, The Two Ronnies (three if you include him), and of course Are You being Served? I was astonished to read in one of the obituaries that the theme to Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em actually spells out the title of the programme in morse code. The man was a genius and we shall not see his like again. Sniff.

Ronnie Hazlehurst obituary

East Side Story

It goes without saying that I'm usually a man of utmost discretion, but I can't keep my von Trapp shut about this any longer.

I've been contacted by a television company who want to make Ramsgate! - The Musical. I kid you not. Here's what their representative said:

I’ve been reading your blogs and they’re very informative and funny (natch). I’d love to talk to ‘real people’ in regards to Ramsgate and the lack of or may be not community spirit, what they think Ramsgate is missing and how successful do they think a musical project such as ours would work bringing different sides of the community together.

I really need to speak to key people that have opposing opinions as well. Youth Leaders, prominent business men busy bodies etc. We have visited the Newington Area and were particularly interested in working with the residents there as well as the wider area of Ramsgate.

Can you sing Richard and would you be interested in taking part in this project? You could use your real name and there would be no need to mention Richard Eastcliffe at all.

Hmmm. Well, obviously I can sing. I wouldn't have been voted TV Times Entertainer of the Year (1989) if I couldn't. I'd better have a word with Bev, my agent.

Ramsgate! - The Musical (artist's impression)

What The Dickens

Oh go on then, I'm in a giving, generous mood, so I'll also mention that Dickens Week starts in Boredstares this weekend too. So if dressing in Victorian bathing costumes and cramming small children up chimleys is your cup of Earl Grey, you know where to go!