Rotters Remove Ramsgate Pansies

I'm indebted to reader Chris for this one. He writes:

Has anyone else noticed that the council dug up all the beautiful pansies from Albion Place just before the Dynamo Day celebrations last week (photo attached)? It was previously a riot of colour. Are they determined to make us Ramsgate council taxpayers second class Thanet citizens?

Haha! Well, er, 'Yes' is the answer to that one Chris (natch). They've probably taken the flowers over to Margate, where they're spending tens of thousands on tarting up Marine Gardens by the clock tower.

Meanwhile I see the latest issue of our beloved council's very own Pravda - Thanet Tatters - has omitted any mention of Ramsgate Town Council's Summer Squall arts festival at the end of August, choosing to publicise TDC's Monster Bass bash [What that? - Ed] instead.

And I'm also told by my spies on the less salubrious West Cliff here in the Millionaires' Playground that, as of the beginning of this month, you'll have to pay the Cecil Square duffers £5.50 for an hour of tennis if you want to use the courts in Spencer Square. As one correspondent puts it:

They've opened up a hut and got a council employee to book the courts and take the money. What happens when the courts are empty, are they still paying someone by the hour to watch the courts? How can that be viable?

It's not that I object to paying but it's the lack of consultation with local residents who use the courts that bugs me. I don't use the courts very often but I know a lot of local kids use them. In these credit crunch times I think the price will be a stumbling block for families/kids wanting to use the courts and get some fresh air and exercise. We've got an Olympics coming for goodness sake why does the council want to prevent young people taking up sport? Stupid bloody council make me sick.

Still, I suppose it's better than them squandering the shiny side of £80K on a vacuous attempt to sell the tennis courts off for development!

Download the summer issue of Thanet Tatters
Britain in Bloom sabotaged by mystery poisoner in Daily Wail
More on Summer Squall arts festival from Ramsgate Arts

Council Tries To Ruin Local Business

Of course, it's a given round here that everything Thanet Council touches turns to rubble. You only have to look at MC Bookman's brilliant exposé of the rubbish job that was made of our crumbling East Cliff facade to know that.

But word has reached me today of an attempt by the council to boot out a business that can trace its roots in Ramsgate Harbour back more than 60 years. Alan Booth, boss of Marlec Marine Ltd, has emailed me in apoplexy over his treatment by The Duffers. He's refused to sign a new lease on his arch opposite the marina as they've removed his right of tenure. Now they've given him notice to quit.

Alan writes:

I am still in shock that TDC can treat us like this. Ron Cannon next door has been told he can keep his tenure because he has been a 'long term tenant'. I've been here 12 years and Marlec Marine has been here since 1992. Before that it was Walkers Marine which was incorporated in 1947. How long do you have to be in the harbour to be a 'long term tenant'?

We have been ringing and ringing the council but with no response. We are at our wits' end.

Well Alan, you have my utmost sympathy for what seems to be a typically senseless and incomprehensible move by our beloved council. I'm not surprised that you haven't had a response though. The Harbour Master is currently larging it up in Las Vegas!

Click here to go to Marlec Marine website

Nasty Complaints Procedure

I'm indebted to regular contributor Walter Mitty for highlighting an interesting snippet from last week's cabinet meeting at our beloved Thanet Council.

In between congratulating themselves on what a splendid job they're doing and scoffing all the buns, the Duffers debated a new policy on 'unreasonably persistent and/or vexatious complaints'. Now, of course, that all sounds incredibly worthy and dull, so let me paraphrase it for you. Basically it's an Anti-Whingers Charter. The upshot is, if you happen to get the hump about your street looking like the Gaza Strip and complain every week that it hasn't been swept, or if you think funds are being misappropriated and pop in a Freedom of Information request every other fortnight, you could now be put on a list and legitimately be ignored, or worse, deemed mentally ill.

Not, of course, that there's anything to complain about in the first place, I hasten to add! No, according to the latest Audit Commission report on TDC, which will be presented to the Uranians next week, they've been classified 'fair'. Which is, er, one up from 'weak' and two down from 'excellent'. The Audit Commission seemed particularly impressed by the claimed user satisfaction with Margate Gateway ('Library' in old money), which goes to prove the old adage that if you do the same survey in an infinite number of ways you're almost bound to end up with the results you want in the end.

The chaps from the commission also found 'improved satisfaction with street cleaning'. Really? Well here's something I found on Victoria Parade this afternoon which made me, and presumably the two coachloads of tourists who were parked up nearby, feel less than 'satisfied':

Dragon Gen

I'm indebted to reader Richard (great name!) for pointing me to our beloved council's application to place a 'dragon planter' on the new New Haine Road roundabout, due to open later this week.

On perusing the details, I noticed the job title appended to the drawings said: 'Martley C of E Primary School'. Imagining this may have been a local educational establishment I was unaware off, and that they had won some design competition I was also unaware of, I popped them into the old Google-iser. Turns out they're in Worcestershire. Hmm. Still, here's another clue, the plans were drawn up by a company called Hand Made Places Ltd. Who, er, turn out to be specialists in playground equipment.

Gives a whole new meaning to the old plea 'Why don't you go and play on the motorway'!

Click here for New Haine Road story on Eastcliff Matters
Click here for UK Planning Portal (application 08/1297)
Click here to visit Hand Made Places website

Council Cancels Christmas

Further news of cost-cutting and blood-letting at our beloved council has reached the old Eascliff lugholes. Yes dear reader, even on a Bank Holiday Monday I must be a slave to your news lust and forgo plans to whip out my trusty old throbber and give it a thrashing!

My spies on Uranus report that Chief Executive Yosemite Samuel ushered grim-faced senior officers into a meeting last week to give them the gloomy news that large pruning shears are being sharpened and that even 'the topmost branch may go too'. Presumably if you add diminishing receipts from credit-crunched tenants and council taxpayers to the interest being paid on assets that are becoming increasingly worthless, it all adds up to a large pile of sod-all. Hence the need for drastic action.

So it looks as if the only turkey Thanet Council will be carving up this Christmas is itself! What worries me is that they can barely be classed as competent in the boom times, let alone with all these costly chickens coming home to roost!

WWWWWTF?

Perusing the interwhatsit just now, I popped the words 'Thanet District Council' into Google and this came back as top of the pops. When I clicked on it, however, I got one of those 'server not found' messages, and upon closer inspection it transpires that the Uranians have invented their own version of the World Wide Web - the W World Wide Web. Well, they are from another planet, I suppose.

What the extra W stands for, lord knows. Would anyone like to hazard a guess?

Shredded Feat

Phew! Several industrial sized Pritt sticks later, I've finally pieced together that Thanet Council staff consultation paper which I rescued from the shredder. And glued most of my fingers together in the process, which is making it rather dofficult to tupe.

It makes for fascinating reading, particularly if you've run out of Horlicks and are in desperate need of a kip. It would be too tedious by far to reproduce it all here, so I've distilled it into an executive summary:

1. We need to save money.
2. At the same time, we need to ensure that our 'senior remuneration package remains competitive.'
3. We're so good, our senior staff are being poached.
4. We're therefore going to create more senior posts, despite the fact that we chopped a load of them a while back on grounds of efficiency.
5. So if Heads of Service perform well, we'll promote them and give them loads more dosh.
6. And, er, we'll be the ones who'll decide if they're doing well enough to be promoted, thank you very much.
7. To afford all this we're going to make some people redundant who were actually doing quite a good job really.

Other, um, priceless information includes disposing of assets 'in a way which maximizes any regeneration benefits' and this:

It is generally aknowledged that the Margate Renewal Programme (What, the one that puts photos of Ramsgate Harbour on its This Is Margate website? - Ed.) is beginning to develop positive results and to avoid future uncertainty it is proposed to make the currently externally funded post part of the TDC establishment once the external funding expires in 2009 should this be required once there is greater clarity from SEEDA about their intentions.

Ho-hum. Look, if you want to read more, just email me and I'll send over all 15 pages. Right, I'm off to watch Graham Norton try and find a Nancy.

My Big Poll Gets Results

Apologies for the headline but I've just spent an hour or so deleting 500 'enhance your manhood' emails which have clogged up my inbox over the weekend, and I think some of it's rubbed off.

Well, it looks as if you do want to see our beloved council's juicy bits after all. So I've dispatched my wrinkled retainer Scrotum off to Staples to buy enough Pritt to glue a small housing estate next to a Kent airport back together, while I rescue the bits from the shredder. For the record, here's the final tally:

Question: Would you like me to expose our beloved council's juicy bits?

Yes - I like a good snigger: 91% (44 votes)
No - I can't think of anything more dull: 8% (4 votes)

Have A Go On My Poll

I've received a sackload of emails (two) begging me to whip my Pritt out and start gluing together all fifteen pages of that Thanet Council internal consultation document I put in the shredder last week. Blimey, what a dull lot you are!

Still, in the interests of democracy I've popped a quick poll in the sidebar on the right. You've got until midnight on Sunday to make up your minds. And remember, it's totally anonymous - no 'trails of breadcrumbs', guaranteed. I would urge you, though, not to vote yes. Otherwise I'll be spending all next week with sticky fingers!

Council Springs A Leak

As regular readers will know, I am now a convert to the Church of Responsible Blogging. Amen. However, TDCers still seem hell bent on emailing me confidential documents from our beloved local council.

Take the one in front of me. Fifteen pages outlining a root and branch restructuring. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that? Nope, the only responsible course of action is to put it in my gold-plated Fellowes high security micro-shredder. I'm sure you lot would find all that guff about 'asset management', 'staff reviews' and 'toilet provision' tedious anyway. Wouldn't you?

No. 10 Dream

Hurrah! My petition to Our Gordon Master to instruct The Uranians to enter into a proper agreement with Infartil, the owners of RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport, has been approved by No. 10!

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not against the airport as such. If people want to maintain aircraft, fly to Benidorm, park their Lear Jets, or just chug around all day in teeny-tiny planes tugging banners, that's fine by me.

But when it comes to knackered old jumbo jets flying round and round in circles every Saturday and Sunday, blasting the roof tiles off my cliff top mansion, enough is enough. The latest corporate plan from Thanet District Council makes developing the airport a key priority. Great. But without a formal agreement in place to regulate its use, and impose penalties for taking the proverbial? Not great.

Of course, the usual response by the Blue Rinsers who run our island whenever someone with a few bob comes along is to roll on their backs and purr. Let's hope this petition gives them the prod they need to get amongst the pigeons!

Just click on this link and it'll take you to the petition on the Downing Street website.

A Pain In The Ears

Please feel free to rearrange the letters in the last word of that Joe Orton style headline as you see fit.

Of course, RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport is handy for parking my Lear Jet, and the masses appear to enjoy the odd jaunt to Benidorm from there. I'm not even agin doctor/councillor councillor/doctor types who want to fly their teeny-tiny planes round and round in circles every weekend.

But when you see small children on the streets of Ramsgate holding their hands over their ears as yet another knackered old jumbo flies a few feet over their heads every ten minutes, on what is meant to be the day of rest, their delicate little lungs seared by the carcinogenic hyrdocarbons these things spew out of their exhausts, it's time to say 'enough is enough'. Which is why I have entered a petition on the Number 10 website urging Our Gordon Master to instruct Thanet Council to enter into a proper agreement with the aiport's owners, Infartil.

As soon as I get the details I'll post them here, at which point I expect all true Ramsgatonians to sign up!

Fair Comment

Our local council have been awarded a 'fair' for performance from the Audit Commission. That's better than 'weak' in 2004, but not as good as, um, 'good', or even 'excellent'. The commission described the Uranians as having a 'well developed' community leadership role, with ambitions that are 'soundly based on consultation'.

I'll leave it up to you lot to comment, as anything I might say probably wouldn't stand a hope in hell of being classified as 'fair'.

TDC press release

Photo Op

The Uranians are promoting a photo competition on their website, and we're all invited to send in our snaps! It's backed by SEEDA (South East England Development Agency) and runs from 15-30th of June. The blurb says they are looking for photographs...

...that you think uniquely portray the identity of where you live or of a place in the region that you know well, and that shows the way you see or feel about it.

It could be a picture of an individual building, of the place in general, of a public space, a park or private garden or of anything that is significant to that area. Ask yourself, ‘Just what is it that makes the place where I live special?’.

Here's my entry, I've called it 'Granville Landfill'. What do you think?

Italianate My Greenhouse

It's such a beezer day here in the tip of Kent that I've spent the morning strolling in the sun through the King George VI Memorial Park. Let's face it, I've got B-all else to do.

The Italianate greenhouse looked like a giant insect baking in the sun. I've always wondered what happened to the rest of the estate that it belonged to. So I was grateful for the following history lesson in the helpful leaflet 'Glasshouse Glory', published by the Uranians:

East Cliff Lodge remained in the Montefiore family until 1935, when Mrs Arthur Sebag-Montefiore finally put the estate on the market, after the untimely death of her husband in a flying accident at nearby Manston. At this point the house was bought by a private company, for use as a country club. During the Second World War soldiers were billeted there, and later on Thanet District Council acquired the property. The Lodge, sadly, was demolished in 1954...

So, nine years at most in the hands of TDC and the place had to be trashed. I think I'll place that in the plus ca change file.

Cliff Bottom Mansion

Crumbling cliff tops! Our crusading local biblio-bloke, Michael Child, has unearthed the April 2005 engineers' report into the state of our East Cliff, and it doesn't make for reassuring reading. Lowlights listed under 'Summary of Defects' include:

Displacement and failed concrete in concrete barrier
Various cracks
Exposed, rusting reinforcement
Large void behind one of the arches
Horizontal displacement of wall face

The report continues:

There is evidence that the facade's original purpose is to minimise the weathering effect on the chalk cliff face (and this) has not been entirely successful due to lack of maintenance and due to penetration of rainwater giving rise to particle migration.

If my cliff top mansion plummets beachwards I'll have to change the old moniker by deed poll. Somehow, though, Beach Bungalow Bill doesn't quite have the same ring.

More pics of 1947 West Cliff collapse.
Engineers' report on the crumbling East Cliff.

Ascension To The East Cliff

I must say I've rather taken to heart all this criticism that I don't give those hard working chaps at the council their due.

So to redress the balance here's a bit of good news. They've finally found the spare part for the East Cliff lift, and its now going up and down like a good 'un. And to celebrate my recently elevated (geddit?!!?) opinion of the Uranians, I've even dug out some archive footage from the last time it was working!

Now You See It, Now You Don't

Last week:


This week:


Plus all new, turret-mounted, M61 Vulcan 20mm rapid firing machine gun with infrared night vision (in case anyone feels like getting lucky with a spray can):

Writing On The Wall For Graffiti

Three cheers for our local caff demolishing, car crushing, graffiti removing councillor Dave Green! Following a long campaign, he's finally persuaded the Uranians to remove the eye-watering graffiti from the splendid edifice above, here on Thanet's millionaire row, otherwise known as the East Cliff Ramsgate.

Not only that, but CCTV is to be installed to prevent the daubists from returning to the scene of the crime. Proof that not all our Dad's Army councillors are content to sit back in their bath chairs and drool into their Horlicks.

It Came From Uranus! - The Movie

Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) has put together a short package for ECR TV demonstrating Bertie's reaction to the severed head sent to me by The Uranians (see previous post).

With an animal as ferocious as this guarding my cliff top mansion there'll be no worries about getting off to the kipper tonight, snug as a bug in a proverbial under my John Lewis luxury Hungarian goose down duvet.