Air Con

I see that two men have been jailed at Canterbury Crown Court for stealing a jet engine from RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport.

Rodney Matthews, 47, and Mark Cooper, 37, both from Tooting, were given 18 months and 30 months respectively. The thieves were caught on CCTV as they used heavy lifting gear to steal the engine from a locked compound.

Defence for Cooper described him as 'a simple man of fairly limited intelligence' who 'didn't realise he was stealing aircraft engines, he thought he was stealing air conditioning units'.

Just in case anyone is thinking of committing a copycat crime, here's an air conditioning unit:

And, um, here's a jet engine:

Full story

Old Lamps For Old

Good to see Kent Highways' contractors out yesterday installing the new, long-awaited 'heritage' lamps along Wellington Crescent. Of course, we had ours changed along Victoria Parade a year ago.

There's something rather odd about these 'new' lamps though.

They're not actually new. They're just the old lamps with new tops and a couple of fancy bits from B&Q bunged on them.

Presumably someone will come along and paint them black at some point, so they at least look half convincing, but I won't be holding my breath. Honestly, what a cheap trick!

Prayers Come True For West Cliff Hall

Hallelujah! According to today's Thanet Sadscene, Ramsgate's crumbling West Cliff Hall has finally been leased. The Global Generation Church will be running it as a community venue, and is going to spend the next year renovating the dilapidated building. They're promising a juice bar, cream teas, rock school and a pie factory (bit ambitious that last one if you ask me).

Council leader Sandy Beach, who's pictured on the front of the paper handing over the keys, must be praising the lord that yet another eyesore has been sorted in time for the local elections.

Curses! First the library rebuild, now this. No sooner do I knock something than it gets put right!

Floppy Stroppy

My old matinee idol chum seems to have got himself into a spot of bother again. Normally he's a mild mannered sort of cove but, as they say, still waters run deep.

I remember him spitting his dummy at our annual Water Voles Cricket XI dinner back in the 90s, just after he'd been in Four Weddings. Our captain had spent the entire evening teasing him relentlessly regarding repeated rumours (eat your heart out Wossie!) of a dalliance with Our Madge. In fact a story about her telephoning him and inviting him out to dinner had appeared in the Evening Standard that very day, and the journalist who wrote it was sitting at the same table.

Half way through the main course there was a frightful din and a clatter of cutlery. I looked up just in time to see the floppy-haired one storming out the door.

We never saw him again. He went off to the States, where, if you remember, he found someone to suck his dummy for him.

Mods (And Rockers)

I see Margate is due to be invaded by gangs of bikers this coming Mayday Bank Holiday. Well, rather smartly dressed scooterists in actual fact, so that should be a welcome change from the normal riff-raff you see along the Golden Mile.

My only worry is they're coming for four whole days. What on earth are the poor sods going to find to occupy themselves?

Even Boredstares is getting in on the two wheel act in its own sedate way, with a Mods and Rockers Reunion being held at the Crampton Tower Museum on the 19th and 20th of May. I expect that'll just be a couple of hairy bikers in Victorian bathing costumes.

Thanet 'May Support Life' Say Boffins

By Isle of Thanet Gazunder Science Editor Tess Tube

Scientists have made an amazing discovery - a Thanet millions of miles from our own which may even support intelligent life!

Top university boffin Dr Terry Scope, 42, told the Gazunder: 'It's an ocean world consisting of land surrounded by seas not dissimilar to here. We're very excited.' But he added it would take many years to get to the new Thanet, even by bus.

And he warned that we may well find the people there very different: 'We may not recognise them at first. For example, they may stand upright with their knuckles well off the ground and look quite smart.'

Communicating with the new Thanetians may also pose a problem. 'They might pronounce their consonants and be unaware of traditional greetings we use here such as 'Ello yer old c*nt and Got any spliff?'

Dr Scope is 42.

Ramsgate First First, Labour Second, Tories Third

No, not a prediction of the local election result by my clairvoyant showbiz pal Mystic Meg, but the order in which their campaign leaflets have plopped through my letterbox.

Curiously I've yet to hear from the Mingers. Maybe that's because they've given up the ghost round here. Or maybe they're conducting an invisible campaign, in line with their policy of electing an invisible leader.

Please Take A Fence

Stone the crows! I see from the counteruppything on my sidebar that it's two years today since the local council erected 'temporary' fencing along our crumbling East Cliff here in Ramsgate. And far from being 'temporary', the darn thing appears to be growing like topsy!

Now the East Cliff Residents' Association have appended these tasteful signs to the council's ugly erection. Not usually known for their direct action, I hear the ERA are also preparing to storm the barricades and dive like human lemmings onto the deserted Pleasurama site below.

Speaking of which, it seems like only six months ago (because that's how long it is) that our glorious council leader Sandy 'Just Put Your Face In Mine' Beach was pontificating on the BBC about the new deal he'd signed with the Pleasurama developers. Since when... nada.

And it seems like nearly a year ago (because that's how long it is) that Sandy said on Thanet Life:

Let’s start with the issue of the cliff face. It’s the Council’s responsibility to maintain the coastline. Here we’re lucky enough to enjoy 26 miles of beautiful coastline and stunning beaches, but with that comes responsibility and this is one of those cases. The problems here were identified as part of our programme (of) coastal defence surveys and we will be carrying out work here in due course.

Since when... you guessed it.

Still, it's not all bad news. Apparently our Sand's also promised his Tory chums a resounding victory at the local elections on May 3!

Cycling Squad

Reader Clive has sent in this photograph of a couple of our fearless local law enforcers getting on their bikes to patrol Ramsgate's wild east.

I've heard of drugs being pedalled in those grimy back streets, now the rozzers are responding by pedalling two-wheelers. A swift bicycle clip around the ears should put any miscreants back on the straight and narrow! Just give them a bell, and they'll put any picksprockets they catch in a chain gang, or behind handlebars!

Oh dear, I think I'm having one of my turns.

Hurray! Hurray! It's A Public Holiday!

Well, er, no, it's not actually. But there are many people who believe that today being St George's Day, it should be. So I'm taking the day off.

Not that I'm one of those little Englander types, you understand. Just a lazy blighter grabbing any excuse to do bugger all.

Westwood Housing Scheme Makes Tony Cross

I was wondering where Mr Ceacescu (no relation) had dashed off to yesterday. He was last seen heading in the direction of Westworld Cross in his BMW.

It would seem that he met up with Margate's very own pie-devouring superblogger, Tony Flaig. Together they've made a short film for ECR TV about the new housing estate that's going to be plonked there, and the lack of forethought on the planning front.

Not a bad first effort for Mr Flaig. And, even more gratifyingly, it didn't cost me a sausage!

Ball Trouble

Good lord! According to the front page of yesterday's Isle of Thanet Gazunder, our glorious Tory council leader almost came to blows with the Labour Mayor of Margate at a black tie ball last weekend.

As the less than civil civic occasion was drawing to a close at Margate's Winter Gardens, the mayor is said to have approached our Sandy at the bar, only to be met by a tirade of abuse. The top Tory and former pugilist is alleged to have called the mayor a 'f*cking tosser', and said to another Labour councillor who attempted to intervene: 'Come on, just put your face in mine.'

In his defence, Sandy claims he was 'set up' and had snapped after enduring months of racist comments from the mayor.

Whatever the truth behind the story, we all know that the level of debate from the Conservatives here on Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula is sometimes less than parliamentarian. I myself have been called a 'left wing c*nt' and 'middle class pratt' by the blue rinsers, so personally I'd say the mayor got off lightly.

Sandy: 'F*cking tosser'

Lost In Translation

Thanks to the Thanet Bloglist Recent Feeds page, I've become an avid reader of the adventures of our Spanish chum who's here in Ramsgate to learn English. He runs a blog called Mi Vida en RAMSGATE and recently went on a trip to the New Inn in Sandwich (Emparedado).

I left a comment to make him feel at home:

What ho old bean! Welcome to the Millionaires' Playground. Hope you have a splendid stay!

And as his blog's in Spanish, I translated it using the old Alta Vista Babel Fish thus:

¡Qué vieja haba del ho! Dé la bienvenida a los millonarios al patio. ¡Esperanza usted tiene una estancia espléndida!

Strangely, though, he hasn't responded. As I read his blog using the aforementioned Babel Fish, and have occasionally become alarmed at sentences like Every morning I get up and ignite the television, I thought it best to check what I'd said by translating my welcoming message back into English:

How old haba of ho! Give the welcome to the millionaires to the patio. Hope you have a splendid stay!

No wonder the poor lad hasn't got back to me, he probably thinks I'm a nutter. Still, at least we now know how the writers of Doctor Who manage to come up with all those other-wordly names week in, week out.

Littoral Litter

The amount of litter on Britain's beaches has increased by more than 90% since 1994, according to an annual survey by the Marine Conservation Society. Top ten items found on the beach were:

1. Pieces of plastic, 1cm-50cm; 13.2%

2. Cotton bud sticks; 8.6%

3. Pieces of plastic, less than 1cm; 6.2%

4. Crisp/sweet/lolly wrappers; 5.6%

5. Polystyrene pieces; 5.5%

6. Plastic caps/lids; 5.4%

7. Rope; 4.3%

8. Cigarette stubs; 4.2%

9. Plastic drinks bottles; 3.9%

10. Fishing net; 3.3%

Well, maybe on Margate beach, but here in the Millionaires' Playground we have a better class of litter. Having combed the sea shore this morning, here's what I found:

1. Fortnum's picnic hamper
2. Copy of Country Life
3. Seven bottles of Dom Perignon
4. Five bottles of Krug
5. Apple iPhone
6. Two jars of Gentleman's Relish
7. Pair of Prada sunglasses
8. Chemical toilet from Sunseeker Portofino 35
9. Porsche Cayenne (minus wheels)
10. Bentley Continental (burnt out)

As you can see, even the cast offs are classier in Ramsgate!

Yo Ho Ho And A Bottle Of Dom

As promised I've been out and about with the old Box Brownie to bring you some snaps of the tall ships that are currently moored in Ramsgate's Royal Harbour (one night only).

Forest of masts...

and, er, more masts...

offering plenty of opportunity for jigging in the rigging...

as the local millionaires soak up the Monte Carlo style sun and lattes!

Tall Ships Story

News from Uranus reports:

Ramsgate’s Royal Harbour Marina is today (Thursday 19 April) welcoming one of Europe’s biggest classic sailing ship races.

The Race of the Classics involves a flotilla of 18 tall ships, which left Rotterdam earlier this week, before making their first stop at Ostend. They then sprinted over to Ramsgate, the only British stop on the route, and, from there, the ships will spend tonight in the town, before returning to Amsterdam, leaving Ramsgate tomorrow morning (Friday 20 April).

The race is now into its 19th year and is organised by students, with the ships crewed by a mixture of international students, accompanied by professional sailors, all competing for the Heineken Challenge Cup. It is the largest event of its kind in Europe to involve non-professionals on tall ships.

Head of Maritime Services Dominic Evans said: “The Race of the Classics is a stunning sight and we are delighted to welcome them back to Ramsgate, the first time they have made a stop here in three years. The last time they visited us in 2004, they attracted huge crowds to welcome the students and sailors to the country. If you haven’t had a chance to see the ships before, it’s well worth a visit as they look completely at home in the beautiful setting of Ramsgate’s Royal Harbour Marina.”

I'll put up some piccies later. Meanwhile, if you're very lucky, you might just catch a glimpse of them on the Ramsgate Harbour webcam.

Tall ships off Ramsgate this morning

Deafening Silence

Oh well, there you go. My email to the top Tory toff asking whether it was his party's policy to condone paedophile bashing has fallen on deaf ears. Not a sausage.

So I've decided to have a spring clean, as you'll notice from the sidebar on the right. With 10,001 new visitors to this site in the past week, it's about time I had a tidy-up.

And if any of you local oxymorons find yourselves here by mistake and are looking for a way out, just hit the link that says Pond Life.

Ramsgreat!

Regular reader Claire writes:

Some friends of mine recently bought a penthouse flat in a refurbished building in Ramsgate. They paid a lot of money for it and keep going on about Ramsgate being the new black!

Well Claire, we've all heard about spring being the new summer, and porridge being the new soup (which was the new capuccino), but Ramsgate the new black! Just goes to prove that the place really is the new Millionaires' Playground. And that's confirmed by a recent report from findaproperty.com:

But what of the hotspots for the year ahead? Forget Kensington and Chelsea: Colchester, Ramsgate, Luton and Slough are the best places to watch your investment grow.

And that confirmation's confirmed by yet another reader, Alice, who's a wannabe DFL:

I have tried several times to buy a property in Augusta Road, but each time I've been gazumped!

It's a shame you've missed out, Alice, so by way of consolation here's a picture of Augusta Road for you:

Augusta Road: gazumpers' paradise

Scooby Don't

Is it me, or are the writers of BBC1's Sea of Souls recycling old plotlines from Scooby Doo?

Watching the first in the new series last night, I was half expecting some ne'er-do-well to be de-masked and carted off to jail uttering the immortal lines: 'Why, if it wasn't for those pesky paranormal psychologists...'

Ramsgate First First

Hurrah! The first piece of local election literature plopped through my letterbox this morning, and it's from those Ramsgate First people who want their own teeny-tiny council here in Kent's answer to Monte Carlo.

Couldn't see much in the way of policies, though, apart from repeated and, to be frank, rather repetitive reassurances (eat your heart out Wossie!) that they want to put Ramsgate, er, first.

Still, they're hoping for a swathe of teeny-tiny councillors, and promise 'we do as you say', so I might pop round to their HQ at 45 King Street later on and suggest they wear their Reg Grundies on their head and go 'wibble'. That should liven the local political scene up a bit!

Pirates!

Strolling along the prom this morning, I spotted a medium sized vessel anchored just off the Millionaires' Playground. Upon whipping out the old binocs, I could just about make out that it was the MV Patricia.

Thinking this might be the long awaited Roman invasion, I scurried back to the CTM, fired up the Del Boy laptop, and headed straight for google, expecting to discover that the MV Patricia was one of my Russian millionaire friend's floating gin palaces.

Sadly I was eventually disappointed, as it turns out to be a Trinity House vessel. Although I did experience a brief frisson when I noticed the pirate station Swinging Radio England had broadcast from a similarly named ship in the 60s.

Now there's an idea! Anyone for Wonderful Radio Ramsgate?

And It's Goodnight From Him

There were several reasons why I started this blog. Principally it was meant to be a bit of fun. And an occasional antidote to the simpering, Daily Mail hypocrisy of our Greatest Living Thanetian. I think you know who I'm talking about.

It's not much fun, however, to be labelled a paedophile by some knuckle-dragger who Dr Simon Moores' claims to be one of his supporters, and even less fun to be told that there are 'several peple already who want to put me in a coma'.

It's an irony that the most abusive, foul and violently aggressive comments that have been made about me have come from Tory supporters, a party that claims to put law and order at the forefront of its policies.

Well bollocks to them.

Abuse

Apologies for the lacuna but I've been consulting with my wolf pack of highly trained media lawyers following abusive comments about yours truly placed on the One Voice in Thanet blog. I am reprinting these comments here, as I have been advised by m'learned friends that by doing so I may well be able to sue myself, as well as the anonymous perpetrator, for a substantial sum. Here's the first:

ECR and One Voice share so many attributes. Their many and varied achievements in Thanet are there for all to see. Their rapier wit and immense courage in tackling the issues of the day is legendary. We, the people of Thanet should be forever grateful to these two paragons of all that this country now stands for. On a personal note, I just wonder how they are able to walk the streets of Thanet without the benefit of spines, unable as they are to identify themselves with their rather hysterical outbursts. Two FICTIONAL characters slagging off REAL PEOPLE. What a joke, ECR is a middle class patronising pratt, unloved by Mummy and Daddy who feel he has to explain things to the people of Thanet because we're too thick to understand current events. One Voice has yet to master chewing gum and walking at the same time.

Which was followed by a further example of shining wit:

Friday 13th April. Shock horror! ECR & One Voice are the same person. ECR sobbed on local radio this morning "Yes its true. One Voice and I are two halves of the same moron". "Its time to tell the truth at last. I CANNOT reveal my identity now because the Police are still scanning my hard drive and video collection. My credit card was stolen and used to download pictures from the internet. The pictures on my hard drive (as I have explained to the authorities) are simply resaerch for my book on the corruption of youth. The fact that between 3 and 4 pm most weekdays I'm outside wearing a large raincoat whatever the weather when I sit in the local park is (again as I have explained) mere coincidence. If a certain law gets passed I may have to move or no longer register myself as there are several people alredy who want to put me in a coma. Hope you my TRUE adoring public will understand this quite innocent set of unfortunate circomstances".

To put these comments in perspective, I had earlier commented on the same post that I found Simon Moores' Thanet Life blog 'nauseating'. These comments appear to be the Wildean riposte.

I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

SITE SUSPENDED FOR LEGAL REASONS

We apologise for the interruption to our scheduled programmes. This is due to a fault on our Ramsgate transmitter. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

In the meantime, here is some music.

Lie-in Detective Test

I'm having a bit of a snooze under the duvet today in the hope that a blonde, 26 year old lady rozzer will come round and turf me out of bed. As they apparently do if you're a pupil at Marlowe Academy in Ramsgate.

Kids today, eh? They get all the perks!

Not A Pretty Site

Holy tamoly! I see one of our local websites, Thanet Council Information and Critique, has been got at by some internet sleaze merchant. It now promises 'ebony pics', 'big cock porn' and a 'mature bitch'.

Or it could, perhaps, be that something has slipped into the water around here from that Pfizer factory in Sandwich, given the front page of today's Thanet Times, which reports that the Pegwell Bay nature reserve has become a hotspot for open air orgies.

Curiously the paper also cites the prevalence of 'dogging' in the area, but I can't quite see the connection. As far as I'm concerned they've got to walk them somewhere, and as long as they clear up the mess behind them who are we to criticise?

Fun In The Sun

As temperatures here on the UK's Costa Cutter soared into the 90s yesterday, I decided it would be a splendid opportunity to check out how the tourist trade was coming along. So it was on with the leathers and onto the old throbber for a quick thrash around the island.

First stop Ramsgate, and as befits Kent's premier Monte Carlo style resort the place was heaving. Versace wearing, Ferrari driving millionaires were parked up along the marina, sipping lattes and nibbling ciabattas outside the continental cafes on Harbour Parade. It might have been the croissette, if it wasn't for the knackered old jets taking off from RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport every ten minutes.

Next Boredstares, and despite the strange moustachioed men in Victorian bathing costumes giving some of the young middle class mums cause for concern, the joint was jumping. The experiment in converting the wibbly-wobbly jetty into a new beach is coming along a treat too. The sand now obscures all those boring white lines in the car park, so I was forced to place my gleaming machine on top of a Sharan load of chip munching nippers that had hogged the bike bay.

Then Margate. The unmistakeable smell so beloved by Ronnie Biggs was in evidence, but even I will admit that the front was packed. Albeit mainly with second generation unemployables wheeling the third generation along in pushchairs.

I pushed on to God's Waiting Room, Westgate, but as advertised the place was dead. Or at least heavily sedated. Not for nothing is the mini golf course on Westbrook front called Strokes.

Eastercliff Richard

At the risk of engendering the kind of moral outcry that rained upon John Lennon in the 60s when he claimed the Beatles were bigger than Jesus Christ, I think it's only appropriate to reveal today that I am now officially bigger than Saint Cliff.

I have consequently decided to put myself up for election as Archbishop of Canterbury, as I have clearly been placed on this earth to make your humble lives a little better. I shall therefore be appealing to a 'higher authority' to have the incumbent deselected forthwith on the grounds of being in possession of dangerous eyebrows.

I realise that someone of my ability and intellect being thrust into such a prominent position at such a young age may well attract criticism, but please be clear that my critics are sick and twisted individuals who are motivated solely by envy of my undoubted talents and achievements, which are too varied and numerous to list here.

Let me say right now that, far from being arrogant and self centred as some have claimed, I am a man of the people and would be more than happy, perhaps on less formal occasions, for you to be seated in my presence. Here endeth the first lesson.

Glued To The Blog

Urgh. Must have had an off pint at the Beer Festival yesterday. The world's just fallen out of my bottom. On second thoughts, though, it's more likely to be something to do with the Thanet District Council regulation hot dog I indulged in after the tenth pint.

Talking of which, that flying doctor chappie over in Westgate appears to have developed blogarrhea. Ten posts in less than two days, and some of them very loose indeed. There must be an election on or something.

Ten Things I'd Like To Do In Thanet Before I Die

Scanning through the current edition of Isle magazine, I can see at least three things to do in Thanet that have already dropped off their list in the few short weeks since the magazine was published, viz:

Drink in ale and art (at the Belgian bar). Nope, it's gone bust.
Ride the scenic railway. Nope, Waterbridge aren't going to open the Dreamland site this year.
Dress for the theatre. Er, nope again. The council have bought the Theatre Royal in Margate so they can close it for six months.

And that's if you discount the huge photo of last year's Kent Air Show, which is also, alas, no more. So I've put the old thinking cap on and come up with a shorter, alternative list of things I'd like to do in Thanet before I die:

1. Walk along Ramsgate's East Cliff undisturbed by temporary fencing.
2. Have a latte in one of the cafes in the new Pleasurama development.
3. Borrow a book at Ramsgate library.
4. Gawp at some Monets in Ramsgate's West Cliff Hall.
5. Gawp at some Turners in Margate's Turner Centre.
6. Buy some undies in the M&S on Margate High Street.
7. Buy anything on Margate High Street.
8. Amble along the front without getting Barker's nests on my shoes.
9. Drive to Westworld Cross in less than an hour.
10. Go to a fun park which has anything more exciting to see than a stuffed hippo.

Please bear in mind that I am 29 and can therefore expect another 50 years at least.

Top Beer

I must say I'm getting very excited about the Planet Thanet Easter Beer Festival.

Beer o'clock is at noon tomorrow and Saturday, with stretchers at 10.30pm both days. Sadly the festival has relocated this year from the Millionaires' Playground to the Winter Gardens in Margate, so I'll be wearing my CelebProtect Kevlar stab vest to and from the venue just to be on the safe side.

The organisers are promising thousands of different beers and ciders, including a reconstruction by Ramsgate's very own Gaddfather of Ale of an ancient brew from Margate's now defunct Cobbs brewery, along with all the old favourites such as Nadgers Old Jockstrap and the rather fine Tossingtons 'Wibbly-Wobbly' India Pale Ale.

So - be there or be, er, sober!

Ramsgate's Burning! (Again)

Flaming caffs! I'm just getting reports here in 'the smoke' that one of those restaurants in Harbour Street has gone up in flames. My sources back in Ramsgate say the stench of cremated chicken parmaganas has been pouring across the town from Cavallinos since lunchtime.

That's one more place the tourists won't be flocking to during the Easter break then.

Beach Blankets Broadstairs

Talk about the blinking tail wagging the dog. Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) now tells me he's so busy with ECR TV, in between what he terms 'masticating' the new Villeroy and Boch chinaware here at the old CTM, that's he's now got me running errands for him.

So yesterday afternoon I found myself in Doyles Psychic Emporium over in Boredstares High Street looking for a set of healing crystals. Afterwards I decided to take a wander down to the Dickensians' teeny-tiny harbour for a lungful of invigorating ozone.

Imagine my surprise to discover their wibbly-wobbly jetty virtually knee deep in sand! Oh well, it's probably for the best. There are only a couple of old tubs bobbing up and down in the 'harbour', so converting it into an extension of the beach will be no loss. Plus it'll give them even more scope to romp around in Victorian bathing costumes!

Radiological Conclusion

Yikes! It seems I've dropped a bollock calling my media outfit ECR TV. Something by the same name already exists - take a look!

The European Congress of Radiology's TV station even features a 'sketch' in which Dr Paul Dubbins performs a rib-tickling impression of a grumpy old codger. Spooky. Other delights for your televisual entertainment include novel techniques in breast imaging, and a gripping debate on whether prostate MR should be performed by specialists or beginners.

Somehow I don't think Corrie's got anything to worry about, but it might just prove more popular than Sky 1's latest primetime effort Corkscrewed which pulled in just 53,000 punters (0.29% of the available audience) last night.

Around Thanet In Two Minutes

This latest masterpiece from the studios of ECR TV does exactly what it says on the tin!

Please Fence Me In

Regular reader Rachel from Ramsgate writes:

Richard, I love you. I think you are the wittiest, most talented person I have ever met. Please let me have your babies.

No, no, ha ha, no, I, er, made that bit up. Sorry Rachel. No, here's what she actually wrote:

Dear Eastcliff,

I was intrigued to see your item yesterday about the Lesser Spotted Fly Tippers. I walk to work every morning past the back of the Granville and the waste land at the back of the building looks more and more like a landfill every day. Most of the rear fence to this site blew away in the gales back in January and it has never been replaced. I'm sure it's attracting fly tippers every day as access to what is just a hole in the ground is very easy and Oakleigh Developments who appear to be responsible for the development don't seem to be doing anything about it. Perhaps you could investigate this? I have sent you some photos.

Hmm. This could be a story for ECR TV. Where's Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) when you need him?

First Cuckoo?

As well as witnessing the conception of a new avian species on this morning's walk, I was also privileged to spy my first Lesser Spotted Fly Tippers of the year.

The frantic redevelopment and building work currently taking place in the Millionaires' Playground makes an ideal habitat for this shy, chubby creature, so it's no surprise to see them flocking back in significant numbers now that winter is behind us.

The pair I spotted were jauntily adorned in their bright summer plumage of green, hi-viz vests and red hard hats. As they settled down round the back of the Granville after an exhausting migration in their J Reg Transit pick-up, I ducked behind a knackered camper van and pulled out the old binocs.

Before long they were busy building their nest, tossing materials they had gathered on their flight over the boundary fence. I nipped back later with my camera, and although the Fly Tippers had by then gone off to forage for bacon sarnies, I did manage to get a snap of their nest for my old showbiz chum Bill Oddie:

Birds Of A Feather?

Now why on earth would a parakeet be 'courting' a pigeon?

I ask the question because that was the sight that confronted me on my pre-prandial constitutional this morning. Alerted by blood-curdling squawks, I looked up and witnessed one of those green immigrants that inhabit the King George VI park having what can only be described as his 'wicked way' with one of our native cooers.

One can only hope this isn't the start of a terrifying new trend. We're already bombarded by seagulls the size of poodles. The next thing you know the pit bulls will be making whoopee with the donkeys on our Mediterranean style beach!

Mind you, judging by the look of some of the people around here, that particular deviation may well have been happening for some time.

How they are related

Councillor's Bollards Hacked Off

Holy hacksaws! It's only been a few weeks since our local caff demolishing, car crushing, graffiti removing councillor Dave Green built these step-outs along Victoria Parade and adorned them with snazzy bollards. Now some blighter has come along a hacked a couple of them off.

I'll have to be more careful next time I give my old throbber a thrashing along here. The lights ain't great, and there's already more obstacles to avoid than the Mini Marathon round of It's A Knockout. Without Councillor Green's reflective bollards, I might well end up going base over apex.

Last year one of those Pugin lions not far from here was hacked off. Now these bollards. Could it be that there's an East Cliff Chopper on the loose?

Now You See It, Now You Don't

Last week:


This week:


Plus all new, turret-mounted, M61 Vulcan 20mm rapid firing machine gun with infrared night vision (in case anyone feels like getting lucky with a spray can):

Now You See It, Now You See It Again

Flicking through the Thanet Times that Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) left on the coffee table yesterday, I thought I was going to have to take the old glass eye in for a service.

Here's page 11:


And here's page 12:


I know there's not much happening on the Ile at the moment, but really!

Ramsgate - A Pain In The Arts

Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) has been out and about again with his new best friend from Margate, arts commentator Philip Page (aka Arts and Elbows).

This time they've made a short film for ECR TV about the state of the arts in Ramsgate, and pretty bleak it looks too.

I don't know. You hire a Romanian, you expect the Cheeky Girls! Not this arty twaddle!

The Wrong Arm Of The Law

The doorbell rang this afternoon and who should it be but one of Her Majesty's Testicle Jugglers!

'Are you Ricky?'

Well, I suppose in a manner of speaking I am, although I haven't been called that since I was eleven. So in order to obtain clarification I replied:

'Ricky who?'

At this point the rozzer gave me a thoroughly suspicious look. Admittedly his suspicion may have been aroused by the fact that I was ever so slightly dishevelled, having just woken up from my afternoon nap.

However, when a peeler looks at you like that, I find it immediately prompts one to riffle through one's mental diary desperately searching for any misdemeanours in the past ten years, drunken or otherwise, which might have attracted the attention of the local constabulary. Having drawn nothing but blank sheets, and dismissing out of hand the notion that the uniformed dullard standing in front of me may have apprehended the moron who detached the bumper from the TT while I was away last week, and had bowled over to convey the glad tidings, I decided the best plan of action was to return the compliment.

After a silent stand off that lasted a good ten seconds, he cracked.

'This your flat?'

Flat? Flat?

'No. This is my house. All of it. I own the lot.'

At that point his suspicious look turned to an expression of confusion mixed with greed and envy, and with a curt apology, and mumbling something about having the wrong address, he plodded back down the garden path.

Avast Behind Me Hearties!

Cripes! I see our 12 star Royal Harbour Hotel is now offering cruises to Ramsgate from London aboard a luxury speed boat.

With a top whack of 30 knots, you'll be whisked from St Katherine's Dock to the Millionaires' Playground in five hours, taking in all the sites along the way including the WW2 forts off Whitstable, the fart farm off Birchington and the seal colony off Margate.

After a night at the hotel, you'll be chauffeur driven back to London. All this can be yours for £1040 for two people, £1460 for four, or £1830 for six.

A snip, really, and I'm sure Elton and I will be taking full advantage of the service once the summer's here!

Bog Rolls

Our glorious council leader Sandy Beach wants us to become a 'cafe culture' here on Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula, which is presumably why the public dunnies opposite the Waitrose car park have been converted into a sandwich bar.

I popped in earlier and had a nice chat with the new Italian owner, who's relocated from Canterbury to the Millionaires' Playground. He seemed rather tired of people commenting that his establishment used to be a khazi, and making all those awful jokes about 'bog standard food', 'cottage cheese', 'floaters', 'pain au chocolate' and serving sandwiches 'at your convenience'. I, of course, would never sink to such depths.

I had a jolly good Fairtrade latte for £1.40. The place is called, er, Fillers. Not far from Pooland, the former snooker hall. Oh gawd luvvaduck.

Man Eating Sausage In Wenceslas Square Speaks

Three cheers for Tony 'Bignews Margate' Flaig for his constant nibbling away at the edges of council waste. No, I'm not talking about his eating habits, peculiar as they may be.

Tony's been 'flaiging up' (geddit!?!?!) the shortcomings of Thanet Council, and regeneration efforts in Margate, for almost a year now. Recently he's been bashing down the doors of bureaucracy over the Theatre Royal and flights to Nowhere Virginia debacles. More power to your elbow, Tone.

Crikey! That's six cheers in one day! I must be in a congratulatory kind of a mood. Makes a change from my usual self-congratulatory mood, I suppose. Although it could be an attack of sentimentality brought on by copious quantities of gin.

PS: If any of my hoards of new readers are wondering why Tony is linked in my sidebar as Man Eating Sausage In Wenceslas Square Speaks, it's because the first profile photo he put on his blog was of himself, eating a sausage, in Wenceslas Square. And because he speaks into his computer rather than use a keypad like us mere mortals.

Writing On The Wall For Graffiti

Three cheers for our local caff demolishing, car crushing, graffiti removing councillor Dave Green! Following a long campaign, he's finally persuaded the Uranians to remove the eye-watering graffiti from the splendid edifice above, here on Thanet's millionaire row, otherwise known as the East Cliff Ramsgate.

Not only that, but CCTV is to be installed to prevent the daubists from returning to the scene of the crime. Proof that not all our Dad's Army councillors are content to sit back in their bath chairs and drool into their Horlicks.

It Came From Uranus! - The Movie

Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) has put together a short package for ECR TV demonstrating Bertie's reaction to the severed head sent to me by The Uranians (see previous post).

With an animal as ferocious as this guarding my cliff top mansion there'll be no worries about getting off to the kipper tonight, snug as a bug in a proverbial under my John Lewis luxury Hungarian goose down duvet.

It Came From Uranus!

Yikes! I was using the downstairs facilities here at the old cliff top mansion this morning, when there was an awful commotion at the catflap. When I investigated I discovered Bertie, my pedigree Burmese, proudly parading this object in his jaws!

I've taken it as a sign. The Uranians are trying to tell me something. A mysterious message on the reverse of the tag says: Warning - possible choking hazard. 'Nuf said.

Rivers Of Latte

Isle of Thanet Gazunder Leader Comment

Rich people from up there in London are beginning to talk about the isle as 'the new Monaco' or 'the new Marbella', following high profile features on national TV and in national newspapers.

Many are packing their YSL suiters, jumping in their Bentleys, and making their homes in Ramsgate and Broadstairs (what about Margate? - Ed.)

But how long will they stay, once they really get to know the island? Where will they get a decent latte? Where will they send little Nathaniel and Saskia to school? Where will they get their Porsche Cayennes serviced?

There is still a long way to go before Thanet becomes Crouch End on Sea. But if our leaders and business people fail to rise to the challenge, we may, before too long, witness the sorry sight of burnt out Ferraris at Westwood Cross, and rioting ABC1s torching the local chippy.

New York, London, Paris, Munich, Everybody's Talking 'Bout...

Um, Ramsgate. Or so it seems.

Here's the story. Last night I'm at a chum's wine bar in Bloomsbury, when this billionaire City type at the next table starts telling his pals in a very loud voice how he's relocating to Ramsgate. Part of his plan appeared to be to buy up RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport so that he didn't have those ancient jumbos coming in to land ten feet above his bonce, and turn it into a housing estate cum wind farm. Apart from retaining a small helicopter landing pad so he could commute to the City in 30 minutes. I kid you not.

Then tonight I'm slumming it in the World's End in Chelsea, when a couple of rather camp TV director types at the table opposite start going on about how they're planning to buy a place in Ramsgate if their new Channel 4 series comes off.

Now I know I'm a bit of a trend setter, but this is getting ridiculous. The next thing you know, I'll be earwigging London conversations about how people are buying properties in Margate. No, no that's too silly for words.

Grow Your Own Turnip Centre

Holy Sewells! It's all gone a bit arty-farty on the isle of blogs today!

Cliftonville Chronicle devotes 17 pages to the unsurprising news that T S Eliot found inspiration for The Wasteland by sitting on a bench in Margate for a couple of months.

And Turneround Margate has a glowing paeon of praise to that chap from the circus who's been entrusted with designing the Anthea Turner Centre. The great man is quoted as saying:

“I think that the point of being an architect is to help raise the experience of everyday living, even a little… None of this means designing funny shapes or getting politicians to go ‘wow’ or making the media think you’re the new thing. It takes a lot of patience, a lot of experience, and a lot of unfashionable thought”.

Right. So let me get this straight. We're spending £17.4m (plus £8m wasted on the previous effort) on a building that will have the 'wow' factor deliberately designed out of it, that will be unfashionable, and will not be regarded by the media as anything new. And that's going to attract lots of people down from London to marvel at it, is it?

So being the da Vinci style genius I am, I thought I'd rustle up my own design (above) which definitely does have the 'wow' factor, and is certainly at the cutting edge of 'fashionable' and 'new'. I've never seen anything like it, that's for sure. Bentleys all round!

PS: Please don't let on that I designed my Turnip Centre in three minutes using that free Google SketchUp thingo, otherwise my £2m fee might be jeopardised. Thank you.

The Ugly Truth

Hats off to Half Skips of Thanet for putting the truth back into advertising.

Their slogan: Ugly but reliable drivers reminds me of the notice that Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) has blu-tacked to the wall of his ensuite edit suite: You have to be mad to work here, but it doesn't help.

Media Battle

Flaming Murdochs! No sooner have I launched ECR TV than those Dirty Desmonds over in Margate come up with a copycat channel.

Of course this means a circulation war, so with immediate effect I am dropping the cover price of ECR TV to 5p per issue. Nope, forget that, let's make it a free sheet!

Pointless Exercise

Even Sir Terry Wigon couldn't, it seems, believe his own earpiece as he incorrectly announced the winner of last night's competition to find the UK's entry for this year's Eurovision Song Contest in Helsinki.

The play-off was between a French woman (why?) singing a highly derivative ballad, and four hyperactive loons dressed as airline staff who had set the pre-flight safety announcement to the kind of music that would have had even Bros fans wincing. Needless to say the loons, who glory in the name of Scooch (presumably some obscure disease of ruminants), were the actual winners.

Once again, I fear, the Great British Public have squeezed the pimple of success only to find that they will, alas, be reaping the pus of failure.

Comically Relieved (of £41)

Well, thanks to the Day Nurse my green nose has finally dried up, and thanks to your comments those Red Nose people are 41 smackers better off!

Greed Doze Day

Dode forget, ebery comment today equals a quid to Comic Relief!

Green Nose Day

Dat's dorn it. I wad hoping to join Wossie and my udder showbiz chuds domorrow for de Red Dose Day extravanganza, bud I seem to have cud down wid a heavy cod.

To show I'm all heart, dough, I'm going to gib a shiny new quid to Comic Relief for ebery comment I ged on dis post.

Dat'll teach Dat Bloody Awful Doel for calling me a dight-arsed old dwad.

Wish You Were Here?

While Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) was in Margate filming the latest contribution to ECR TV, he popped into that tourist office on the piazza and picked up this:

A handy, postcard size guide to all the events happening here in Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula during the summer season. On closer examination, though, he was disappointed to find that the Kent Air Show had been scrubbed out in biro:

I had to inform him that the organisers had gone nipples up, and the leaflets were probably printed before the show was cancelled.

He seemed strangely disappointed, and said that his cousin in the Ministry of Information had specifically asked him to send home as many photographs of airplanes as he could. With that, he loaded his gear into his BMW and screeched off in the direction of Manston.

Margate - The Last Resort?

Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) bumped into Margate retailer and arts columnist Philip Page (aka Arts and Elbows) while he was on location yesterday.

While I was carousing at Elton's 60th, Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) has been up all night in the ensuite edit suite putting together this short film about regenerating the Arsonists' Playground through the arts. Not bad, if a bit dark and Eastern European for my liking. I mean, where are the gags?

Don't forget, tune in to ECR TV for more satirical insight into Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula!

Will The Last Person To Leave Margate Please Turn Out The Lights

One of my spies on the shabby north side of the peninsula tells me that this illuminated sign, welcoming people to the Arsonists' Playground, may never light up again.

Hanging over the High Street, apparently the sign was paid for by the few traders that are left. The switch to turn it on is in Warreners, the sports shop, and of course they packed up and skedaddled before Christmas (as reported here).

So now the sign won't be seen in it's full glory until the shop is leased again. Chances of that? Well one empty shop further up has had a 'to let' sign up for ten years. In that time the owner hasn't received a single inquiry.

So I've decided to give my ECR TV producer Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) the afternoon off to make a short film about the lights going out in Margate. Providing he finishes plumbing in those gold taps first, that is.

New Kids On The Blog

Another weekend, another couple of blogs.

Madpup in Thanet mixes splendid aerial photographs of Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula with rants about the state of the Ile, and is run by a fellow who used to provide mobile disco services to the cognoscenti.

Anthea Turner Around Margate is the story of one faded presenter's forlorn hope that the Arsonists' Playground could be tidied up a bit and maybe improved by putting a couple of pretty pictures above the fireplace.

Both have, um, a familiar ring about them. By the way, my review of these blogs has in no way been influenced by the fact that the first provides direct competition to my arch enemy, Dr Biggles, and the second has completely overlooked linking to Thanet's premier commentator, yours truly.

Nor has it been influenced by the fact that I'm feeling particularly peevish this morning having sunk the best part of half a bottle of Bombay Sapphire at the ECR TV launch party last night. Thank you.

Me TV

Now that I've got the hang of this BoobTube mullarkey, I've set up an entire channel devoted to moi.

All it needs now is for my crack team of highly trained producers to scour the island in search of corruption and scandal. Which they'll be doing as soon as they've finished the guest bathroom in the west wing.

Meanwhile, if you've got something you'd like to get off your chest in front of my prying eye, just leave a comment, or email me at eastcliffrichard.co.uk. With your help, and my BAFTA winning talent, we should be able to give KCC TV a run for their money!

The Film Of The Blog

Well what do you know - I've BoobTubed myself!

Who Wants To be In A Millionaires Magazine?

I do. Well, I am, to be more precise. Alongside articles about Johnny Depp and 'high-end dating'. Take a look.

If that doesn't put my career back on track, I don't know what will!

Give Us A Bigger Clu!

by Gazunder Property Editor Bentley Continental

Everyone's piling into property in Ramsgate! With the News of the World tipping Thanet's premier town as a millionaires' playground in the making, it's no wonder city slickers are desperate for a slice of the Ramsgate action.

Hot on the heels of news that Harbour Street Village is to be converted into a swish gastro pub, the Gazunder can now reveal that Ramsgate's Comfort Inn, formerly the San Clu, has applied for planning permission to build 22 luxury apartments and a top notch conference centre on adjacent land that has been empty since Jerry blitzed the place in World War II. Or was it World War I?

Anyway, a local millionaire, who didn't want to be named, told the Gazunder: 'This is great news for Ramsgate. The Tatler are touting Hastings as the new Notting Hill. If that's the case, Ramsgate must be the new Chelsea!'

Full details of the San Clu plans can be found here.

Two Million Hits!

According to my counterstaterometer, this site will soon clock up its two millionth hit. Not a bad record for just over a year of anonymous drivel.

Of course, driving traffic to your site isn't rocket science. Just fill it with interesting content. And if you're not up to that, just promise you'll stop posting once you've reached a certain target, then sit back and watch the numbers soar!

Toilet Humour

I see the council have finally got around to demolishing that public khazi on Victoria Parade, after getting planning permission to do the work in October 2003. All that remains is a huge patch of, er, dirt to remind us where it used to sit.

Now all they need to do is demolish the second, much larger khazi that stands next to it!

Nice Little Earner

Flaming pay packets! I see that the Chief Executive of Kent County Council is on £229,000 a year, according to a new report by the Taxpayers' Alliance.

Peter Gilroy is one of five UK council officers who earnt more than 200,000 smackers last year. Talk about snouts in the trough! For that kind of dosh, I'd expect him to come round here and scoop up the barkers' nests personally!

The Brown Pimpernel

Toddling down to the corner shop earlier, I spied an elderly gentleman of military bearing who was berating one of our council's 'waste and recycling' operatives about the stinky rubbish that had been 'recycled' all over the pavements.

The operative was explaining that the seagulls were to blame for the fact that the street was awash with filth. 'They tear open the bin bags on bin day and it gets everywhere,' he said, as if there was nought could be done about it. At which point the elderly gentleman marched off muttering something about whether it was legal to shoot seagulls and/or council officers.

I continued on my errand, scanning the pavement rather more acutely than I've become accustomed to, and was shocked by the number of barkers' nests impeding my progress. I've been banging on about them for more than a year, but the problem has, if anything, got worse.

So I've decided direct action is called for. Taking my cue from that story yesterday about a fellow in Huddersfield who goes around at night spraying potholes with yellow paint, I'm straight off to B&Q to get myself a can of their finest. Only question is, what colour? Brown's clearly out. Pink maybe? I know - luminous green! That way they'll show up at night, too!

John Gone

How sad to wake up this morning to the news that the lovely John Inman has passed away.

I played a minor role in Aladdin alongside his Widow Twankey at the New Theatre Oxford many moons ago. Even though I was just starting out in the biz, he took me under his wing, and many a time bought me pink gins in the Gloucester Arms after the matinee. He loved the fact that he'd found an entire new fan base among the students, and they adored seeing him waft around town in his huge faux mink coat and bright yellow scarf, sporting big Polaroid sunglasses and a trilby.

Makes me feel very old, and much in need of a face lift.

Pier Group Pressure

I see the British Urban Regeneration Association's annual Seaside Network conference is currently taking place in Scarborough.

Usually such news would provoke not much more than a yawn from yours truly, but this quote from Matthew Lock, Lead Member for Regeneration and Planning, Hastings Borough Council, caught my eye:

Hastings is pleased to support BURA with this new endeavour. Coastal communitites are starting to turn it around; we've achieved a lot here and want to shout about the change we are achieving but we also want to know more about how our peers are creating renewal. Collaboration with our colleagues around the coast, private and voluntary sector too, can be a further catalyst for change; a consolidated voice shouts a lot louder!

'Peers' and 'renewal' eh? Would this be the same Hastings Borough Council that has been so successful in preserving its heritage that last week it announced it might have to demolish its splendid Victorian pier because it's fallen into utter disrepair since they handed it over to the private sector?

I think we should be told!

Trevor Little Help

And the name of the spluttering spokesman that Tesco put up today to apologise for polluting everyone's petrol? Trevor Datsun.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, you just can't make this stuff up.

New Kids On The Block

by Gazunder Political Editor Gerry Mander

With only eight weeks left to polling day, the island is in the grip of local election fever! And with everything to play for, a host of eager, first time candidates are pounding the doorsteps looking for your vote.

But who are the Wantsum wannabes, and what do they stand for? We've been to meet Thanet's election hopefuls...


President Jacques Chirac, 74 (UKIP, Ramsgate). A surprising choice for UKIP, but Jacques doesn't see being French as a barrier to being elected on an anti-European ticket. 'I am retiring from ze day job in April, and I need ze new challenge,' he told the Gazunder. 'Ramsgate is very close to France, I can be in my constituency at ze drop of ze chapeau.' And Jacques is promising to bring a taste of the continent to Thanet if he's elected. 'I will 'ave a stall in ze French market selling ze pigs testicles. I 'ave ze stripey T shirt and everyzing!'


Bill Watney, 34 (LIBDEM, Broadstairs). Bill makes no bones about the love of his life - beer! 'It's chuffing lovely it is, magic, bloody magic. Bloody lovely,' he quipped. 'I love it, I really love it. Me? Can't get enough of it mate.' Asked about his position on drunken yobbery in Broadstairs High Street at the weekends, Bill responded: 'Wankers the lot of them. I'd chuffing show them where to go. Soft as shite the lot of them. Wankers.'


Brittany Barker, 19 (LAB, Margate). As if being a single mum to 33 little 'uns wasn't enough of a challenge, Brittany's now set her beady eyes on the council chamber. 'I'm fed up with people putting us single mums down,' she says. And she's got another bone to pick with the powers that be. 'Public lighting. There just aren't enough lamp posts in Margate.'


Barry Nutter, 62 (BNP, Cliftonville). Barry's claim to fame is that he once ate an entire suite of dining room furniture. 'I used to go in for these wacky eating competitions,' he told the Gazunder. 'I've also done a sofa, three armchairs and a bicycle.' He set up the Barry Nutter Party last year to highlight the derelict buildings in Cliftonville. 'There's an empty B&B in Dalby Square I've got my eye on. It should go down a treat with some HP Sauce!'


Wing Commander Professor Sir Rodney Joystick OBE, 87 (CON, Westgate). Considered one of the Tory 'new bloods', Sir Rodney was knighted for work on hush-hush government projects during WW2. Since then he's pursued a career in advertising. 'I've been persuaded to stand by fellow members of the North Thanet Conservative Association,' he says. 'Most of them are a lot older than me, and they can't stand at all without the help of a Zimmer frame.' If elected, Sir Rodney has pledged to outlaw young people.

(That's enough candidates - Ed.)

Homeless 'Could Be Housed At Westwood'

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Social Affairs Editor Benny Fitt

Up to 5000 homeless people could be housed at Westwood Cross if a new plan formulated by Thanet Council goes ahead. Designer outlet T K Maxx is already gearing up for the move by providing a men's home on its first floor.

Now other retailers are poised to follow suit. A spokesman for Homebase, which recently abandoned its Westwood site for a site in Westwood, said they would consider re-furbishing their old Westwood site with furnishings from their new Westwood site if the council green lights the scheme.

'It's a tragedy that homeless people are being left to beg on derelict high streets like Margate,' said a spokeswoman for TDC. 'There's just not the footfall there any more. With this new scheme, they will find plenty of well-heeled shoppers right on their new doorstep.'

She added that the council hopes to get the scheme up and running in time for this year's Christmas rush.

Big Bang

From the sound of the thunderous banging going on outside, it would seem our Shirley Temple Yacht Club are holding their 150th celebrations tonight.

Of course, according to The Gazunder, they were meant to have held them last night, but you don't want to believe everything you read in the local papers. They seldom let the facts get in the way of a good story.

At least I might get a decent night's kip tonight, though. Hopefully it's scared the KFC out of those Gordoning seagulls.

Hairy Situation

In the name of everything that's holy! Gripped by tonsorial trepitude this morning, I thought I'd better dash over to Westworld Cross and get myself a new beard trimmer, so that I could smarten up the old soup strainer ahead of my lunch with Sir Alan today.

Naturally I always go for the celebrity brands, and Clever Trevor Sorbie's manicured my barnet a few times, so I shelled out for one of his. But as soon as I took it out of the box here at the old cliff top mansion, it became apparent that I wouldn't be the first person to use it.

Oh well, I haven't got time to go back and replace it, I'll just have to give it a rinse and pray to god that those actually are beard hairs, and not the result of one of the assistants at Boots giving herself a DIY Brazilian.