Ballot Dancing

Readers with long memories will remember that we once had a Conservative councillor on the Ile de Thanet who actually did kill a kitten. Straight up. No bullshit.

Anyhoo, following last week's UKIP love-in, today sees another two elections down in the tip of Kent. Both are by-.

One is here in Ramsgate and has been called because of independent motormouth Ian 'Pile' Driver's flouncing out of our teeny-tiny council. The list of candidates makes for grim reading. Three I've never heard of, and two who I have heard of and would never vote for. I'll leave you to ponder who's who in that particular zoo.

The other ballot is over on the grubby, north side of the island. It follows the conviction and jailing of our erstwhile, inglorious Tory council leader Sandy 'Beach' Ezekiel for corruption. The only name I recognise on the list is the lovely Louise Oldfield, tireless Margate campaigner and owner of the excellent Reading Rooms, that splendid boutique B&B on Hawley Square. She made the 80+ mile round trip to Maidstone Crown Court every day of Ezekiel's nine day trial to tweet and blog us the latest. So my vote, if I had one, would be for her.

Oh well. Hey-ho. Whoever I recommend, it's pretty much a dead cert that we'll end up with another couple of purple people eaters to add to the ever-growing list!

Update: I was right (but then when am I not?!). Two more to add to the UKIP list. Kuh!

Whatever Floats Your Vote

Yippee! It's voting day!! Although an early straw poll of the usual pissed up and superannuated knob-knuckles dragging themselves along the street outside the old cliff top mansion resulted in a variety of reactions to my simple question: 'Morning! Election?', ranging from blank stares to the downright pugilistic.

Of course, as this is a vote for Kent County Council, and as KCC is currently bluer than my old showbiz chum Roy 'Chubby' Brown, the outcome is a foregone conclusion. Much of the county appears to be in the grips of a perpetual, true blue voodoo session in the desperate hope of bringing The Witch back from her grave to save/ruin the nation again.

Consequently Ruddy-Faced Man can comfortably look forward to another 1000 years of lording it over his Kentish reich from his Maidstone bunker, methinks. As you may be able to tell, I don't like Tories.

The real question is, how should I vote if I want to make any kind of difference here in Ramsgate?

UKIP? Well, on the Ile de Thanet at least, they seem to consist of disaffected Tories who are so right wing they think Thatcher was a commie plant. Or just outright, former Nazis. Strange how so many flabby, old decrepit men living with young, pneumatic, Thai brides can still object to foreigners swamping their country without a hint of irony, isn't it?

Greens? No, I already have a Toyota Priapus, thanks.

Yellows? Nope. Can't forgive them for becoming Bum-Faced Cameron's new bum chums.

Independents? Nobody can have failed to notice Ian 'Pile' (take that whichever way you like) Driver. He's been accused of being a motormouth and a 'career politician'. Er, hello! That's what most politicians are, ne c'est pas? I'd rather have someone representing me who was vocal and local, and spent his entire time gobbing off about Pleasurama, live exports, our derelict seafront, pooey beaches, and council corruption than the usual, mealy-mouthed, bent and pissed 'yes' men we have around here. And I admire his big, hairy, northern balls in publishing 'confidential' council documents that we all have a right to see. It's our money they're pissing away, after all. In fact, he reminds me a little bit of me (except I'm in no way northern, I hasten to add).

Two minor problems though. He isn't local. He lives in Boredstares, which is barely forgivable. And he has some cockamamie plan to declare UDI from Kent and Europe. But then that will never happen.

Then there's the lovely Liz Green, our local Labour lass. Not only does she actually live in the heart of Ramsgate, she also fights tirelessly (albeit quietly) on the town's behalf. She's helped me out of Duffer-induced pickles on many occasions. Oh, and have I mentioned she's lovely, too?

So I guess those latter two will get my vote when I stroll down to the jolly old polling station later. But who knows? As ever, I might always change my mind as I walk in!

Election Candidates In The Hot Seat

By Isle of Thanet Gazunder Political Editor Gerry Mander

Yes folks, it's election time again! Unless you're dead, living on a different planet, or a crack-crazed, alcoholic meth whore (You've just described 99% of the Thanet population - Ed.), you're probably already caught up in the excitement leading to polling day tomorrow! Will Kent County Council swing to the left? Or will it swing even further to the right and end up bashing into Essex? Or will it split down the middle like some kind of geo-political Terry's Chocolate Orange?

Here at your super, soaraway Gazunder we've gone to the ends of the earth and left no stone unturned to bring you the inside track on all the candidates by asking them to email us something which we've printed verbatim. So it's make your mind up time, Thanet!

UKIP

Candidates: Adolf Hilter, Ron Vibbentrop OBE

Policies: More things to do for the young people would be nice, wouldn't it? To that end we have already established UKIP Youth to help indoctrinate our precious young people with right thinking. Also, we're not racialists, but there aren't 'arf a lot of foreigners around here, aren't there? And while we're at it, you can't visit a public convenience these days without some homosexualist waving their great, big, hairy todger at you. Wouldn't it be great if all these people were rounded up and shot?
 
CONSERVATIVE

Candidates: Nigel Bentley, Prunella Learjet-Joystick

Policies: A vote for UKIP is a wasted vote. We will do everything UKIP are pledging and more. As the national government we have already reduced the appalling deficit we inherited from the filthy socialists by 0.00003 percent through a stringent policy of sacking doctors, nurses, policemen, and firemen. We have steered the country into three recessions, whilst encouraging rich people like bankers to do what they do best - run off with huge bags of fifty pound notes marked 'Swag'. A vote for us is a vote for common sense.

LIBDEM

Candidates: Tony Van Driver, Harry Bleachedanus

Policies: Er, can we get back to you on that? Oh, yes, I've just been reminded that we're basically the Greens, but differ from them in that we hate Labour and love airports. We're BFFs with that nice Mr Cameron although we resent him a bit because he is proper posh, and we only went to a grammar school. Is that enough policies?

GREEN

Candidates: Dr Mick Beard, Amy Hempsweater

Policies: We say 'NO' to giant Tescos, polluting factories, cars, lorries, ferries, planes, trains, Chinese imports, meat, leather, personal hygiene and gas central heating. We say 'YES' to wind farms, mung beans, bicycles, yurts, composting toilets, smelly feet and anything made out of, or rolled up with, hemp.

LABOUR

Candidates: Sophie Ballbreaker, Jason Middlemanagement

Policies: Three years of coalition government have left our county in an appalling state. With every street light switched off, it is now becoming almost impossible to drive one's Toyota Prius to Waitrose in the evenings. And why there isn't a John Lewis closer than Bluewater, lord knows. Let alone the poor miners. With a Labour controlled Thanet Council and a Labour controlled Ramsgate Town Council, we are working hard to ensure that every Thanet citizen receives their basic human rights of a latte and a mozzarella and sundried tomato ciabatta - all day, every day. Let alone the poor nurses.

INDEPENDENT

Candidates: Reginald Loonytoon, Ronnie Motormouth, 'Mad' Maggie Maddingley

Policies: WHAT DO WE WANT? TIME TRAVEL! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER! MAGGIE MAGGIE MAGGIE - OUT, OUT, OUT! KINNOCK, KINNOCK, KINNOCK - IN, IN, IN! CECIL, CECIL, CECIL - IN, OUT, IN, OUT! Also, please take your pick from the following: more renewables, less renewables, no live exports, more live exports, less Pleasurama development, more Pleasurama development, less town councils, more town councils, no filming council meetings, filming council meetings. (That's enough policies - Ed.)

Small Council Re-Elects Big Mayor

Let's now swoop in the Skycopter from Downing Street to the majestic setting of Ramsgate's Albion House, where the country's other big political battle has been going on, the one to elect a new mayor of our teeny-tiny council.

And the news just in is that the current incumbent, caff-crushing, car-crushing Councillor Green is coming out on the steps to make a statement... he's looking composed... is he about to announce his resignation and bury his sobbing head in the bosom of his lovely wife, Dame Elizabeth? No, no, in fact he's been re-elected! Hurrah!

And there, waving by his side is the independent Tory Councillor Walph 'Mr Wamsgate' Hoult, who remains as deputy mayor, a sort of LabCon coalition if you like. And, er, the mayor tells me that nothing else has changed. Apart from an events committee being set up.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, another momentous day in British politics, and I don't think I'm exagerating when I say this ushers in a similar era to the last one, after which everything will pretty much stay the same. God bless the Queen.

Poll Dance

Call me old fashioned, but I do like a good vote once in a while.

This is how I see it. I give the state squillions every year in tax. Four or five years pass. No annual general meetings, no shareholders' reports, no consultations, nothing. That's it. Then a bit of paper with some names on arrives, and I get to put an 'X' next to one of them.

If I walked into Harvey Nics once a year and wrote them a cheque for £100,000, and they said: 'That's great. We'll send you some stuff. And in a few years we'll hold a vote for the bloke who chooses it for you.' Well, I wouldn't be too impressed, would I?

But hey, that's democracy! So here I am, about to toddle down to the East Cliff's luxury, 12 star Comfort Inn, and perform my democratic duty. What are the choices?

Conservatives: The current incumbents here on the Ile de Thanet, but not for me I'm afraid, as I lived through the mad cow years. Yes, they've had a makeover, but can a cow really change its spots? And they've hardly been on a smarm offensive locally over the past few weeks. I'll admit some things have improved, but they've made a hash of the Pleasurama site, Dreamland, West Cliff Hall, the Theatre Royal, Ramsgate Library, our crumbling East Cliff, the list goes on.

Labour: I also lived through the lying Prime Minister years, so again not my favourites. Although locally they've done a pretty good job, with Councillor Green crushing cars and eyesore caffs, removing graffiti, erecting new lamp posts and improving road safety like some kind of crusading superhero.

Ramsgate First: I find myself mysteriously attracted to our chief teeny-tiny councillor, Gerry O'Donnell. Why? Well so much of the council tax we pay here in the Millionaires' Playground seems to end up subsidising the Tory heartlands in the north of the island. We're not, as Mr O'Donnell puts it, getting our 'fair share'. But then is an organisation with no obvious links to any of the mainstream parties ever going to get its voice heard? And then there's the ever-so-faint whiff of UKIP to consider.

Of course, as regular readers will know, I'm a self-confessed Minger and would ordinarily vote for the Invisiberals. But they're not standing here on the East Cliff, and they've only put up three candidates on the entire island. Still, they're known to have a yellow streak, perhaps they're running scared of the rather combative style of local politics around here.

Westwood Housing Scheme Makes Tony Cross

I was wondering where Mr Ceacescu (no relation) had dashed off to yesterday. He was last seen heading in the direction of Westworld Cross in his BMW.

It would seem that he met up with Margate's very own pie-devouring superblogger, Tony Flaig. Together they've made a short film for ECR TV about the new housing estate that's going to be plonked there, and the lack of forethought on the planning front.

Not a bad first effort for Mr Flaig. And, even more gratifyingly, it didn't cost me a sausage!

Councillor Biggles?

Heavens above! I see that our local flying doctor is standing for the council in the May elections, on behalf of the Blue Rinsers.

Although not one of Mr Cameron's drooling pot smokers myself, I can only wish the chap happy landings. After all, it will make a pleasant change to see someone get a firm grip on the joystick of power. At the moment all we have is a bunch of Dad's Army types aimlessly marching up and down with broom handles (car-crushing Cllr Green excepted).

I'd stand for election myself, but unfortunately, due to the anonymous nature of my persona, nobody would know who I was!