Tuesday, March 06, 2007

New Kids On The Block

by Gazunder Political Editor Gerry Mander

With only eight weeks left to polling day, the island is in the grip of local election fever! And with everything to play for, a host of eager, first time candidates are pounding the doorsteps looking for your vote.

But who are the Wantsum wannabes, and what do they stand for? We've been to meet Thanet's election hopefuls...

President Jacques Chirac, 74 (UKIP, Ramsgate). A surprising choice for UKIP, but Jacques doesn't see being French as a barrier to being elected on an anti-European ticket. 'I am retiring from ze day job in April, and I need ze new challenge,' he told the Gazunder. 'Ramsgate is very close to France, I can be in my constituency at ze drop of ze chapeau.' And Jacques is promising to bring a taste of the continent to Thanet if he's elected. 'I will 'ave a stall in ze French market selling ze pigs testicles. I 'ave ze stripey T shirt and everyzing!'

Bill Watney, 34 (LIBDEM, Broadstairs)
. Bill makes no bones about the love of his life - beer! 'It's chuffing lovely it is, magic, bloody magic. Bloody lovely,' he quipped. 'I love it, I really love it. Me? Can't get enough of it mate.' Asked about his position on drunken yobbery in Broadstairs High Street at the weekends, Bill responded: 'Wankers the lot of them. I'd chuffing show them where to go. Soft as shite the lot of them. Wankers.'

Brittany Barker, 19 (LAB, Margate). As if being a single mum to 33 little 'uns wasn't enough of a challenge, Brittany's now set her beady eyes on the council chamber. 'I'm fed up with people putting us single mums down,' she says. And she's got another bone to pick with the powers that be. 'Public lighting. There just aren't enough lamp posts in Margate.'

Barry Nutter, 62 (BNP, Cliftonville). Barry's claim to fame is that he once ate an entire suite of dining room furniture. 'I used to go in for these wacky eating competitions,' he told the Gazunder. 'I've also done a sofa, three armchairs and a bicycle.' He set up the Barry Nutter Party last year to highlight the derelict buildings in Cliftonville. 'There's an empty B&B in Dalby Square I've got my eye on. It should go down a treat with some HP Sauce!'

Wing Commander Professor Sir Rodney Joystick OBE, 87 (CON, Westgate). Considered one of the Tory 'new bloods', Sir Rodney was knighted for work on hush-hush government projects during WW2. Since then he's pursued a career in advertising. 'I've been persuaded to stand by fellow members of the North Thanet Conservative Association,' he says. 'Most of them are a lot older than me, and they can't stand at all without the help of a Zimmer frame.' If elected, Sir Rodney has pledged to outlaw young people.

(That's enough candidates - Ed.)


Ron Prole said...

I had thought of standing myself but with this calibre of candidates’, I would not wish to embarrass myself.

ron councillor said...

I'm not standing again this time round as I think the new lot will make a much better fist of it.

Willie Wombat said...

Now, Richard, that Nutter chap looks disturbingly familiar to me. I'm sure I've seen him somewhere. Are you sure he's not a phoney from Downunder?

Ah, that reminded me! It's our current Prime Minister. A Nutter as well as a phoney from Downunder.

Please elect him - we'll all be grateful.

Eastcliff Richard said...

Well spotted, Mr Wombat! I have some more photos of Mr Nutter, but I don't think the world's ready for them... yet!

bill watney said...

I would like to say that I feel thoroughly misrepresented by this article. When your reporter spoke to me I was feeling tired and emotional after a particularly strenuous week. My wife has just given birth, and I have also been attending the party conference in Harrogate.

Moreover, the fact that I was sweating profusely during the interview was entirely down to the fact that I have been suffering from a bad cold.