Saturday, November 29, 2008

Does Bob Like Margate?

Reader Simon writes:

Dear ECR, I thought you'd like first dibs at these snaps I took of Sir Bob Geldof turning on Margate's Christmas lights earlier. There were hundreds of people there, Bob did quite a good job of sending himself and Margate up, calling it his 'penance' for describing the place as a 'dump', and asking whether the 'illuminations' had been bought from Woolies. Needless to say, Sandy was never more than a few feet from him, trying his hardest to bathe in some sort of reflected glory! There's also a short clip of his speech for you.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Thanet Piles On The Pounds

Yep, that's pounds sterling, not pounds avroidupois! Although judging by some of the lard buckets one encounters on the high street, I'm sure someone, somewhere may well have got this horribly mixed up.

Er, back to the story. Yes, according to a survey out today by Halifax Bank of Scotland (HBOS), Thanet has seen the largest growth in average earnings OF ANY AREA IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY over the past five years! According to the bank boffins:

The average salary of workers in Thanet has increased by more than any other local authority (LA) over the past five years, rising by 60% from £18,769 to £29,956. This was nearly treble the average rise across Great Britain (21%).

I mean, really, I do find that literally incredible. Unless they forgot to factor out my enormous income, that is!

Click here for full story on HBOS website

Bob's Not A Turn-On

With speculation rife as to which civic dignitaries will get to hob-nob with Bob when he comes to turn on the Christmas lights in Margate tomorrow (He's still coming, is he? - Ed.), I notice the news hasn't gone down that well with online readers of the music biz bible NME. I suspect his testimonials will be glowing red hot when he reads the two comments so far, viz:

He really is the most talentless, tedious prick. Just remind us again what you're supposed to be famous for Bob, apart from being a great self-publicist?


Bob Geldof = Muppet. Along with his idiot daughter, peaches!!

Meanwhile I hear bets are being taken as to what the track-suited, pit bull tugging burghers of Margate will be chanting at the ceremony. Favourites so far are:

You're uglier than us!

Just give us your fucking money!


Bob, Bob, Bob
On, On, On
Bob, Bob, Bob
Off, Off, Off
Bob, Bob, Bob
On, Off, On, Off!

Click here to read Bob story in NME

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Fancy A Leak?

I gather the higher ups at TDC are becoming more and more paranoid about the power (without responsibility, natch) being wielded by us lovely Fannit bloggers. Well, you know me. If I get an anonymous email from someone who wants to stick it to them, I'm more than happy to share it with the wider public! So, if you're a TDCer and you fancy a leak, you know where to come:

Just don't do it all over the office computer, though!


Blimey! The local rumour mill is currently running rampant (eat your heart out Wossie!). In my capacity as 'The Master of Bullshit', here's the latest goss:

1. Our council's rugged leader is reported to be thinking of stepping down before the next local elections. Hopefully his cohort of duffers will go with him. Perhaps he's 'Wilton' under the strain? Or is he finally facing the 'Ax(minster)' (Geddit!!?!!?!??).

2. Unlucky Jim has bought himself another piece of prime Margate real estate. This time the shopping arcade is set for the 'regeneration' treatment (i.e long, slow decay into nothingness, followed by a mystery fire.) Needless to say, the arson attack on Dreamland's Scenic Railway earlier this year, which we all thought would be a piece of piss to solve, still remains a, er, Jimmy riddle.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Manston - What A Load Of Rot!

Yikes! I see customs officers have impounded 1500kgs of rotting food from a Ghana flight that landed at RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport! The haul included 'fish that was so badly decayed some of it had become liquid'. Blurgh!

Counterfeit cosmetics and prescription medicines were found among the, er, smelly goo. Not quite the bright, exciting future fantasised about in the airport's Daft Bastard Plan, methinks!

Click here to read full story on BBC website

Update: Thanet Extra is reporting that the rotting cargo concealed booze and ciggies, not cosmetics and medicines as reported by the Beeb. Click here to read more.

It's The High Life For Ramsgate!

Ordinarily I wouldn't be seen dead buying a copy of the Torygraph, but my new friend Louise tipped me off that the Millionaires' Playground got a mench today. So off I toddled to the Costcutter clasping 90p in my sweaty paw.

Sure enough, there on page 15 was a list of the world's 50 'most authentic destinations', including Los Angeles, Paris, Venice, and, um, Ramsgate. The list has apparently been drawn up by a panel of luminaries including Alain de Botton, Will Self, and my old chum Pierce d'Organ.

Admittedly some other places you might have heard of got a guernsey too. Like Deal, Hastings and Albania. Not a sausage about Margate or Boredstares though. Ha ha! Still, it does rather beg the question why all the cultural resources are being pumped into Margate, while 'authentic' Ramsgate's are being sucked dry. About the only thing the council wants to pump into my neck of the woods is more pollution from those flippin' knackered old jumbos. Oh how I laughed, then, when I noticed the 'most authentic' list was originally published in none other than... the British Airways High Life in flight magazine!

Update: This story is now running in the Daily Mail. Click here to read more (if you can bear the stench of hypocrisy!)

Dragon Gen

I'm indebted to reader Richard (great name!) for pointing me to our beloved council's application to place a 'dragon planter' on the new New Haine Road roundabout, due to open later this week.

On perusing the details, I noticed the job title appended to the drawings said: 'Martley C of E Primary School'. Imagining this may have been a local educational establishment I was unaware off, and that they had won some design competition I was also unaware of, I popped them into the old Google-iser. Turns out they're in Worcestershire. Hmm. Still, here's another clue, the plans were drawn up by a company called Hand Made Places Ltd. Who, er, turn out to be specialists in playground equipment.

Gives a whole new meaning to the old plea 'Why don't you go and play on the motorway'!

Click here for New Haine Road story on Eastcliff Matters

Click here for UK Planning Portal (application 08/1297)
Click here to visit Hand Made Places website

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Local Artists Need Not Apply

Those of you who are interested may wish to count the number of local artists pictured at this morning's sod-breaking ceremony over at the Turnip Centre site. (Here's a clue - 0).

Click here for pics of sod-breaking on 'Popular but beseiged™'
Click here for full story in Thanet Extra

Does Bob Know It's Christmas Time At All?

More mutterings and mumblings have reached the old Eastcliff shell-like over Sir Gob Beldof's sudden and unexpected withdrawal from the grand Margate Christmas lights turn-on.

Sir Gob was due to perform the ceremonial switch-on this Saturday, as penance for intimating back in January that Margate was 'ugly', but had to pull out due to a last minute appointment in Qatar, according to his 'people'. Or was that an appointment to buy a new guitar? Or was he suffering from catarrh?

Er, a-n-y-hoo, it now seems that security might have been the real issue. Apparently his advisors became rather nervous over suggestions that an old-stylee lantern parade might have been held as part of the ceremony and that the former Boomtown Rats frontman and Saviour of the Third World might have had to mingle with, um, ordinary people. Which, it seems, posed an unacceptable security risk. Hence the no-show.

Meanwhile many of the decos that he would have turned on (presumably whilst surrounded by a 500 metre cordon sanitaire) have blown down in the winds we've had over the past few days. As the people who put them up didn't realise that we occasionally get a bit of a blow around these parts. Oh, and the Christmas tree has been lying on its side in the Old Town piazza for several days. And has been well and truly pissed on by the Margate twitterati over the weekend.

Happy Christmas Margate!

Update: Well, surprise surprise! Since I posted that earlier today, Sir Gob's people have announced that he will be making the onerous trip from Faversham to switch on the lights after all! He's going to do the honours at 4.30pm, just before he jets off to buy a new guitar. I presume his team are now satisfied that security will be up to his normal standard for visiting a third world country.

Click here to read full story on Gazunder website

Doctor Clue

Reader Mr Dickens of Broadstairs writes:

Has anyone else noticed the similarity between the photograph of Our Glorious Council Leader, Sandy Beach, which was published recently on the 'popular but beseiged™' Thanet Life weblog, and this publicity still I found of Davros, the evil creator of the Daleks from Doctor Who? Are they by any chance related?

Dalek leader

Tory leader

Monday, November 24, 2008

Pushing The Boat Out

On my morning toddle down to the Costcutter for my copy of Gra*ia (oh what glittering lives us celebs lead), I noticed the RNLI lifeboat was in serious trouble off the Haribo coast, just beyond Wrigley Rock, south of the Trident Sands. Yes, I'm talking about the charity lifeboat that I customarily pop any loose change in.

It's now in serious danger of turning turtle, due to the weight of 'Herbal V' it appears to be carrying on its deck. The noxious looking sachets promise 'sexual pleasure for men' and seem to offer a whole new way of, er, 'launching the lifeboat' for the older male. To be frank, I felt like telling them to stick their Herbal V, and the rest of the sugary crap that's overwhelmed the RNLI box, up their arses. But then, I'm far too polite. And I guess they know what their customers want to splash out on better than I do!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Bignews On The Small Screen

Good to see local bloggers represented on the BBC's Politics Show this lunchtime, even if they did choose Bignews Margate's Tony Flaig over the isle's premier blog to discuss whether the Ike and Tina Turner Centre will or will not kickstart regeneration in the Arsonists' Playground. Also appearing were Derek Harding from the Margate Renewal Thingy Whatsit, local aesthete Stephen Roper, and some old duffer from Kent County Council.

Still, hopefully I'll get my chance to have my two penn'orth next week when the Beeb are due here in the Millionaires' Playground to discuss TDC and KCC's Ramsgate degeneration policies, such as the closure of all our cultural facilities and the imposition of a Stansted size airport on our doorstep!

Click here to see story on Politics Show website

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Turnip Dig Set For Next Tuesday

After decades of bickering, false starts and millions of taxpayers' wonga wasted, construction of Margate's putative Turnip Centre on the Rendezvous car park site is set to begin next week. The first sod is due to be turned on Tuesday by some sod from the council, with the gallery expected to open in 2010/11/12 etc. (take your pick).

Perhaps it would also be fitting to hold a two minute silence during the ceremony to commemorate all those businesses that have set up and subsequently failed in the Arsonists' Playground on the back of broken promises from shyster, Bentley driving architects, engineers, councillors and sundry political duffers who, far from leading mARgaTe™ into a bright new, arty-farty future, have blighted the place for the best part of 15 years with their bullshit.

As for Tuesday's dig, I suspect that, like me, you'll believe it when you see it.

Click here to read full story on Teletext website

Friday, November 21, 2008

Beeb Man To Light Up The Town

By Isle of Thanet Gazunder Entertainment Correspondent R Slicker

Council chiefs say they are 'delighted' to have found a replacement for Sir Bob Geldof to turn on Margate's Christmas lights this year.

Sir Gob was due to perform the ceremonial switch-on on 29 November, but has had to pull out due to another engagement. The Boomtown Rats frontman was panned back in January for referring to 'the ugliness of Margate' in an edition of Kent County Council's free newspaper Around Kent. He subsequently offered to attend the lighting-up ceremony by way of making amends.

Now Thanet Council has revealed that the BBC's former Political Editor, Andrew Marr, will do the honours. 'We're delighted to have found someone even uglier than Sir Bob, and Margate for that matter, to perform this service,' said a council spokeswoman. 'However, we will be advising parents not to allow children under the age of twelve to attend unless they are accompanied by an adult.'

Click here to read Sir Gob story on BBC website

Andrew Marr - 'even uglier than Sir Bob'

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Cars But No Cash At WWX

Yes, dear reader, even I've had to curtail my Saville Row splurges, what with my assets shrinking and my credit being all crunchified. So it was that yesterday I found myself at M&S over in Westworld Chaos trying on a £100 suit. Really, it shouldn't happen to a celeb of my standing.

However, I thought I'd make the best of a bad job by doing some research. I asked this question of every shop assistant I encountered: 'Been busy over the last few weeks?' Without exception I got a shrug of the shoulder and a clear indication that it's as quiet as a church proverbial over there when it comes to flashing the cash. Plenty of lookers. Not many buyers.

So I therefore declare that the place is officially in a downturn/recession. And only a fistal stimulus of titanic proportions from our local government will save the place from going the way of Iceland. Well, if that Robert Peston can make a name for himself by doom mongering, I don't see why I should miss out!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hammer Blow To Granville?

I say! Those cads at the council appear to be refusing to chuck a 10G lifeline to our luxury Granville Theatre and Cinem here on Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff! According to the local red top, the trust which took over the venue last year is short of folding. But despite a request for a rent holiday, they've received a terse 'Niet!' from the heartless apparatchiks at the TDC politburo.

If the Granville closes, that'll take the number of cultural venues here in the Millionaires' Playground down to a big fat zero. Let's recap:

Pleasurama - gone
Motor Museum - gone
Maritime Museum - gone
Casino - gone
Model Village - gone
IOTA Gallery - gone
Cinemas - gone
Pooland - gone. Although that place was, in all fairness, a bit shit actually.

What kind of a Millionaires' Playground is this anyway? I suppose at least the library, which had gone, is due to return any, er, year soon!

Click here to read full story in Thanet Times

On A Whinge And A Prayer

Just a quick reminder that you've only got until 19 December to respond to Infartil's Daft Bastard Plan to expand RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport into a monster 15 times the size of Heathrow. Well, maybe I'm exaggering a bit there, but if you don't complain now, then don't complain when you're being woken up several times a night by A380s roaring feet above your cliff top mansion. Questions you might like to ask are: 'Will the airport, TDC or KCC compensate me for the blight and devaluation of my property?' and 'How much in grants will you be handing out to people under the flightpath for double-glazing and sound proofing?'

To facilitate your moanings, I've put a link to the consultation feedback form in the sidebar on the right. And if you're too lazy to go there, then here it is again. Unfortunately the site seems to detect repeat visits, so there's no opportunity to spam it with multiple whinges. Unless you have a large array of different web browsers like me, of course, in which case it'll happily accommodate you ad infinitum!

Fart Farm News

Create myspace graphic with Gickr

Reader Brian writes:

Richard, as you were the only local blogger to accurately report the suspension of the Thanet Offshore Wind Farm construction in October (natch), I thought you might be interested to know that it is now back online. The Swedish energy company Vattenfall, owners of the Kentish Flats Wind Farm off Whitstable have bought the project off CRC the previous owners for a reported £35m.

The employment opportunities for locals will be fairly restricted during the construction stage, as the wind farm construction industry is very specialised, however I can foresee employment opportunities on the marine side, operating the support craft. The Port of Ramsgate will of course benefit by being the base for the support of the marine operations, and where a new berth will be built. There is also an 'Operations and Maintenance' building, to be constructed within the Port of Ramsgate, which it is envisaged that local builders will be given an opportunity to tender for. Further opportunities for local employment will be available for the 'Operation and Maintenance' stage of the project, which has a projected lifespan of 40 years.

It is hoped that the offshore construction will commence in February 2009, and the completion date is now late 2010.

And with my plan to turn West Cliff Hall (the Motor Museum in old money) into an exciting environmental adventure centre, the future of Ramsgate as 'the windy city' seems assured. Hurrah!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Port Whine

With Dover due to go on strike tomorrow, what chances of me being able to pilot the old Priapus in or out of the Millionaires' Playground in less than an hour, what with all the trucks that'll be queuing for our lovely port? Still, if the lorries I'm stuck behind are half as amusing as these ones spotted by readers recently, the time will just fly by!

Click here to read more about Dover strike in yourfannitinnit
Click here to read in Lloyd's List how Dover's major customers accuse it of 'abusing its dominant position'

French fries

Dirty re: Marks

Manston Pickle

Yipes! I see Infartil, the owners of RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport, are reporting a loss at their European airport business for the six months to 30 September 2008. In their half yearly report the Kiwi group says:

Infartil Airports Europe recorded an earnings loss of $6 million for the half. This reflected the loss of major freight services at Glasgow and Kent. While the suddenness of the reduction of services meant that the airports have incurred adjustment costs (including bad debts) it is likely that the full year outcome will be consistent with the first half trend.

Meanwhile that ruddy-faced man who runs Kent County Council was on the Beeb's Politics Show yesterday lunchtime crapping on about RAFLKRMIA being the 'jewel in the crown' of south east airports, and waxing lyrical about '6 million passenger movements' and how 'accessible' it is. Yes, very accessible for a few thousand Majorca-loving Dickensians and Margatonians, who don't have to put up with the incessant 'training' flights, but a bit of a pain in the jacksie for the 40,000 Ramsgatonians who happen to live beneath knackered old jumbos overflying their cliff top mansions every eight minutes (cue cries of 'nimby', 'it's been there since 1836', and 'if you don't like it move!')

Strangely, for a fellow who runs Kent County Council, R-FM seems to have a limited knowledge of the county's geography. Does he not realise that at least 270 degrees of RAFLKRMIA's catchment area is very 'accessible' to fish, seagulls, and, er, that's about it? Or maybe I'm not giving him enough credit. By batting for Manston, and batting off 'Boris Island', perhaps he's ensuring his little neck of the West Kent woods remains unblighted!

Click here to read Infartil interim results
Click here to watch R-FM crapping on about Manston (c. 41 mins in)
Click here for details of CPRE's Thanet: A New Way Forward

Sunday, November 16, 2008

On The Hearses

In Memoriam
Reg Varney
Stan from On the Buses

So, farewell
Then Reg Varney.

'Gor blimey, keep your
Hair on, Blakey!'
That was
Your catchphrase.
And 'Phwoar, coppa
Loada that new clippy!'

My dad says
You were
The first person
In the UK
To use a
Cash machine.

He heard that in a pub quiz.

E.C. Richard (29)

Soup To Nuts

Dining with a celebrity chum at one of London's more fashionable restaurants last night, I couldn't help but notice that one of the salons had been reserved for an inaugural dinner attended by the recently appointed Anthea Turner Centre bigwigs. After they left, I managed to sneak in and snaffle one of the menus. Here's what Gordon had cooked up for them:

Half-Cockaleekie Soup

Carpetbagger Steak
Minted Burghers
Coq-Up Au Vin
Lily Liver And Onions
Porky Pies
Pizza Vettriano

All served with:

Monster Mash
Half-Baked Beans
Walpole Salad

Multi-Storey Parkin

Tracey Ementhal
Hard Cheddar
Sour Grapes
Assorted Nuts

Coffee with biscuits and a collation of sweetmeats, including:

Jammy Dodgers
Millionaires Shortbread
Kentish Fudge
Margate Cinder Toffee


Friday, November 14, 2008

Westgreat News

Reader Kevin Crace, Saviour of the Westgate Shed, er, Pavilion, writes:

Would you thank your readers for supporting the Westgate Pavilion Demelza House Children’s Hospice charity night last Friday, which I’m glad to tell you raised in excess of £2,500. Additionally, we also collected more than 50 soft toys and games, which will be sent directly to the children, so as to reach them in time for Christmas.

Should any of your readers have any toys, teddies (new only please) or money that they would like to donate, then please contact me at the Pavilion, so we can arrange collection. I’m glad to advise we are now looking at additional ways that we can support this truly worthwhile cause.

Good on yer Kevin! According to the Chief Executive of Thanet Council, only half a dozen people read this blog, so I'm glad the ECR 6 proved so generous. If only Smyths, the new toy shed out at Westwood Chaos, were to match their generosity. Now that really would make for a fairytale ending to this particular toy story!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Top Thanetians Turn Turner Trustees

By Isle of Thanet Gazunder Arts Correspondent Dwight L. E. Fant

Three fab Thanet funsters are among the top knobs appointed to put the ART in mARgaTe this week! The news follows the announcement of the board of trustees for the town's futuristic Turner Contemporary gallery, due to open in 2010/11/12/13 etc etc. (Get on with it - Ed.) Here they tell the Gazunder about themselves, and their hopes for the gallery.

Colonel Sir Richard 'Bogey' Green. Following a successful career in the Boer War, Sir Richard was Chairman of Allied Washers until he retired to Thanet in 1948. He regards himself as a traditionalist when it comes to art. 'I don't like that modern crap,' he told the Gazunder. 'The wife is a fan of that Vettriano bugger though.' Sir Richard is 136.

Brittany Barker. As if being an artist and single mum to 33 little 'uns wasn't enough of a challenge, Brittany's now set her beady eyes on the Turner. 'I've got a bone to pick with all these knockers,' she says. 'It's all about standards, and I'm going to make sure they put as many lamp standards around the gallery as possible.' Brittany is 19.

Barry Nutter. Local musician Barry is well known on the Thanet pub scene, where he's a familiar sight fronting his band The Barrytones. 'I think it's great,' says Barry. 'It's about time they did up the Winter Gardens, and I'm going to be the first to bring the house down when it reopens with my new rock'n'roll opera Barry Nutter Goes Bloody Nuts!' Barry is 67.

(That's enough trustees - Ed.)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Mechanical Elephant Is Big Down Under

Sitting in my Yokohama hotel room, pondering the meaning of the sign on the door which reads 'It is forbidden to bring breakfast bought outside to iron', I thought I'd log into the old email. Lo and behold, I had received this missive from Julianne in Adelaide, South Australia:

Hello Richard,

I stumbled across your site while looking for mechanical elephant information. My father owns one of these elephants and I drive it every year in a Xmas pageant in Adelaide, South Australia.

I would really like to have a copy of the footage you have on your website as it may even be our elephant in that film. I look forward to hearing from you in the not too distant future. I attach a photo of our elephant called Nellie at the pageant last Saturday (8/11/08).

Thank you, Julianne Hein

Regular readers will recall that, back in May, I published some archive footage of what is believed to have been Margate's mechanical elephant. That footage was found in Google Video, Julianne, and if you click here you'll be able to see it in the raw, along with numerous other films of similarly automated pachyderms. If any of you locals have tales of Margate's elephant to recall, do pop them in the comments below. I'm sure Julianne would be delighted to read them.

Right, that's that sorted. I'm off to illegally press my porridge!

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Potato Head

Alas, dear reader, this may be my last post for a few days. I've got to peel off as I've been booked as the after-dinner speaker at a symposium in Yokohama in aid of the International Year of the Potato, the only global meeting where, when they take a vote, the eyes always have it. Oh well, it'll be an opportunity to get mashed, I suppose.

But don't y'all get to thinking I've had my chips. Like phytophthora infestans, you can't get rid of me that easily! Pip pip!

Friday, November 07, 2008

Royal Sands Of Time

Reader Kevin writes:

Has anyone else noticed the similarity between the Pleasurama site on 11 October 2006, the day Thanet Council leader Sandy Ezekiel announced the Royal Sands development, and the way it looks today? Should I ask Terence Painter for my deposit back?

11 October 2006

7 November 2008

That really is enough lookalikes now - Ed.

No Difference If You're Black Or White

Reader David writes:

I am the presenter of a weekly television debate on BBC1. I have trouble telling the difference between the writer Germaine Greer and the writer Bonnie Greer, who are both regular guests on the programme. Can you give me any pointers?

Germaine Greer

Bonnie Greer

That's enough lookalikes - Ed.

Dr Who Degenerates

Reader Samantha writes:

Continuing your sci-fi theme, did anyone else notice that former Dr Who Tom Baker, who hosted last week's Have I Got News For You, now bears more than a passing resemblance to his old enemies the Sontarans? Has he by any chance been 'taken over'?

Former egghead

Boiled egg head

Take Me To Your Leader

Reader Mr Dickens of Broadstairs writes:

Following your last item on UFOs, has anyone else noticed the resemblance between Inspector Clay, the zombie police officer from Ed Wood's 1958 classic Plan 9 From Outer Space, and Thanet Council leader Sandy Beach, perhaps whilst enduring an alien probing? Are they by any chance related?

Take me to Uranus

Taken up Uranus

Thursday, November 06, 2008

News From Uranus

A report in this week's excellent yourfannitinnit (available free in the corner of all local stores, usually behind the twelve boxes of Haribo etc) that a US fighter pilot was scrambled from RAF Manston in 1957 to attack a UFO 'the size of an aircraft carrier' has prompted the following correspondence:

Picture if you will two young scamps out for a cycle ride in the late 50s. Let's call them Sandy and Roger. They are abducted by aliens. Having been given the usual rectal probing, which seems to be standard procedure in these situations, I would imagine the aliens accepted that there was no intelligent life to be found on Earth. So we have Sandy to thank for indirectly saving the planet.

However, I am worried there might be a trigger word that will activate his alien past. What could it be? 'Jobs', 'Axminster', or 'Tosser'? It might explain some of his erratic behaviour. I also wonder if Tiny Terry might not be of this world as he is unfeasibly small, and I think the dapper carapace might hide something the size of a hermit crab.

The Turner Centre could well be a UFO refuelling station as nobody really thinks it will ever hold any art, and it would explain the council's desire to get it built. And as any experienced time traveller will tell you the most revered alien group are the ANIHCs who require a time portal or GATEWAY to search other galaxies. Is it a coincidence that if you spell ANIHC backwards you get - CHINA? I think we should be told!

Hmmm. An interesting theory you speak. And while at it I am, how George Lucas millions can make, when only sentences ending in a verb can he write, another mystery it is.

Click here full UFO story in yourfannitinnit to read

Broadstairs? Bangin'!

Reader Daniel has kindly sent me this link to a video he shot of the fireworks in Broadstairs last night:

And Kevin Crace, Saviour of the Westgate Shed, er, Pavilion has asked me to remind you that his Demelza House Children's Hospice Charity Party kicks off at 7.30 tomorrow evening, so do pop over to the Pav for a free buffet nosh-up and live entertainment, including a DJ, live ‘party’ band, table magicians, fire juggler (weather permitting), burlesque dancers, and a comedian. Kevin adds: 'The event is for a truly great cause, and we sincerely hope that everyone will join us for a great evening of entertainment.'

There'll also be a raffle with 'hundreds of prizes'. Perhaps I should donate a signed photo of yours truly. That should scoop them at least an extra coupla hundred in raffle ticket sales!

Click here to read more about Demelza House and Westgate Pavilion

The Ice House Goeth

Rumours have reached the old Eastcliff lugholes that this knackered old Victorian eyesore, er, ice store down by our lovely Royal Harbour here in the Millionaires' Playground has been earmarked for the axe. And when I say 'axe' I don't mean a flogging off like Albion House, Northdown House or parts of Viking Bay. No, I hear it's destined for the full ball and chain job. As far as I can make out, it's only claim to fame is that it currently houses the Kent and Essex Fisheries Committee, whatever that is.

Ah, what a relief to return to important and weighty affairs of state after all that frothy nonsense across the Atlantic!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

O'Barmy Army Romps To Victory

Well really, there's not much point continuing with my 24 hour poll as the result in the US has been a landslide for Barack Obama. For the record, here's how Thanet voted up to this point:

Question: Who do you want to win the US election?

Senator O'Barmy: 68% (26 votes)
John McCain's Oven Chips: 15% (6 votes)
Mayor McCheese: 15% (6 votes)

A deserved and momentous victory. Although personally if I have to listen to him banging on about 'change' one more time I'll probably go spare. That's a point - do you think if we could find someone round here to campaign for change, we'd actually get it?

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Has McCain Had His Chips?

With the Septics holding a bit of an old vote for Prez today, I thought I'd pop a 24 hour poll in the sidebar on the right to gauge Thanetian opinion on who should be the most powerful man in the world.

Remember, this is just for fun. Oh hell, who am I kidding, this ain't the BBC. So I promise that whoever the island votes for will be the winner!

Angina Hits The G-Spot

Ooh I say! It all seems to have gone a bit saucy down at our luxury Granville Theatre and Cinem, here on Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff! Not only have they erected new signage which consists of a very large G with three spots underneath, but on 14 and 15 November they're putting on The Angina Monologues, 'a humorous, spirited and poignant look at the lives of 10 very different women featuring subjects as diverse as Cockney weddings, trips to Benidorm and Stolen art'.

Presumably inspired by the celebrated off-Broadway hit The Vagina Monologues, or even Thanet's very own Angina Monologues, or perhaps comedian Sol Bernstein's, er, Angina Monologues or maybe Canadian corporate therapist and former heart attack patient Lou Eisen's, um, Angina Monologues oh gawd I think I've lost the plot.

Meanwhile I hear a couple of bright sparks over in Margate are planning to strike a blow for masculinism with a plan to stage their new play The Denis Dialogues. And apparently they've found the perfect venue for it...

Monday, November 03, 2008

Sugar Babes Set To Put Margate On The Map

News that my old millionaire chum Sir Alan Sugar will be setting his charges to the task of turning Margate into a boom town for the next series of The Apprentice warms the cockles of my proverbial. I feel certain that Margatonians will welcome the sight of him cruising around in his Bentley Continental Flying Toss, explaining to all and sundry the finer points of tearing them a new arsehole unless they set off a tourism explosion.

Of course, Sir A is already a patron of the Arsonists' Playground, with Eli's excellent Sugar Lounge named in his honour. And his catchphrase 'You're fired!' has been applied to many of the town's former attractions and heritage buildings. But what else can be done to tart up the town and get the tills tinkling? Here are my top tips for his budding apprentices:

- Rename town 'Marbella'
- Erect brown signs directing people to attractions that don't exist
- Close all public toilets so people have to pee in bars and restaurants
- Remove rotting seaweed from harbour and dump it in Broadstairs
- Convert museums into luxury apartments

Oops, sorry. I think the council have already tried those. Apart from the first one, of course!

Click here to read full story in Isle of Thanet Gazunder

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Vic Reeves' Big Afternoon Out

The ECR spy network reports my old comedy chum Vic Reeves was in the excellent Hurricane and Spitfire Museum over at Manston this afternoon. Vic was apparently there with his missus and kids, enjoying a cup of tea and a ham salad sandwich. How nice to know that us celebs can enjoy a hassle-free, modestly priced day out in the bosom of our nearest and dearest, here on the Ile de Thanet, without being tormented by the paps or having our intimate details splashed all over the tabloids!

That said, a female showbiz chum once told me that Vic... no, no, I'll stop there. I can't be doing with all the resignations, hand wringing and public inquiries!