Putting The Fun In Funeral

OK, OK, I take it all back! Mrs/Lady/Baroness Thatcher was the best thing that ever happened to this country!!!

Not only was she an attractive, sexy woman, but she also single-handedly beat off hordes of filthy, revolting miners, the entire, unwashed Irish nation, the disgusting, money-grabbing union types and the loony socialist lefties who wanted us all to become part of the USSR, AND, let us not forget, THE ARGIES!!!!!!!!!

Of course, I was a mere twinkle in Mr Eastcliff Snr's eye for most of her reign. But having read up on her a bit, I now know she was the Iron Lady who put the 'Great' back in 'Great Britain' and bestowed upon us the fabulous wealth that we enjoy today.

Frankly a state funeral is nowhere near enough of a tribute to the woman. Nothing short of sainthood and an airport named after her would be sufficient to commemorate her magnificent achievements. In fact I have today started a petition to rename our very own RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Schipol International Airport as the RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport. You can't say fairer than that.

My volte face is, natch, nothing to do with the fact that I today received my invitation to what is being described as 'the funeral of the century', along with my other old showbiz chums Jeremy, Jeffrey, Dame Shirley, Sir Andy, Sir Terry, Sir Brucie, Sir Trevorie and Sir Davidie. Together we're planning to give her a good, old-fashioned, hoofing send-off. The rumour is I may even be called upon to render my tribute version of 'Candle In The Wind'. 'Twould be an honour, Ma'am!

Go Slow Dynamo No Show

There were more ancient hairpieces and walking sticks than you could shake a, er, walking stick at on Ramsgate's Harbour Parade for the Operation Dynamo 70th celebrations this afternoon!

As you can see from my photo, it was nice of our beloved council to recreate the bomb blasted ambiance of Dunkirk 1940 for the vets. And the farty waft of leaky colostomy bags can only have added to the authenticity of the occasion.

Those that could move were moving at snail's pace, so slow poking was the order of the day as the old tugs queued up for trips around our very own old tug, the newly painted Cervix, and the Maritime Museum (open, one presumes, for one day only). Disappointment, though, showed on their wrinkled faces as they peered skyward at the appointed hour for the Spitfire and Swordfish flypast, which was a no show. At least, I think it was disappointment. It was hard to tell as most visages were rigid with Parkinson's.

Still, on the plus side I'm glad to report that our newly elevated Tory leader, Councillor Bob Baywatch, had trimmed his face fuzz and ironed his suit especially!

Hammer Blow To Granville?

I say! Those cads at the council appear to be refusing to chuck a 10G lifeline to our luxury Granville Theatre and Cinem here on Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff! According to the local red top, the trust which took over the venue last year is short of folding. But despite a request for a rent holiday, they've received a terse 'Niet!' from the heartless apparatchiks at the TDC politburo.

If the Granville closes, that'll take the number of cultural venues here in the Millionaires' Playground down to a big fat zero. Let's recap:

Pleasurama - gone
Motor Museum - gone
Maritime Museum - gone
Casino - gone
Model Village - gone
IOTA Gallery - gone
Cinemas - gone
Pooland - gone. Although that place was, in all fairness, a bit shit actually.

What kind of a Millionaires' Playground is this anyway? I suppose at least the library, which had gone, is due to return any, er, year soon!

Click here to read full story in Thanet Times

Just A Minute

No time to hesitate, deviate or repeat as I'm just about to dash off to the UK's second oldest theatre and buy my ticket to watch the UK's oldest entertainer.

Yes, I'm talking about my very old chum indeed, Nicholas Parsons, who's appearing at the Theatre Royal Margate tomorrow night in his one man show. He only admits to being 79, but I happen to know he's got a few years on Brucie's wig (which will turn 80 in February), and rumour has it he got his first break in silent movies. Still he's not in bad, er, nick for his age.

I must pop backstage and congratulate him tomorrow night. I might also take the opportunity to tell him my gag about the two vicars who went commando at the village fete. He always loves that one!