Just A Spoonful Of Sugar

Back from my fishing trip, but to be honest all I caught was crabs. Still, I'm in time for the Margit episode of The Apprentice (9pm, BBC1). Hurrah!

Tonight the Sugar Babes are given the task of rebranding the Arsonists' Playground, as if you hadn't heard already. Here's what the blurb says:

They must use all of their creative and marketing skills to rebrand one of Britain's most enduring tourist attractions [Shurely shome mishtake? - Ed] - the seaside resort of Margate. Once a jewel of the Kent coast, Margate still has a faded [i.e. carbonised] grandeur, but it is up to the teams to bring a much-needed sparkle[r] for the 21st century.

The teams have just two days to produce an eye-catching series of posters and an information-packed leaflet that will attract new tourists to the town. They must then pitch their campaigns to tourism industry experts [None of them local, one assumes, as there aren't any] and to the residents and dignitaries of Margate.

Hmmm. It'll be interesting to see if the much-previewed idea of attracting the pink pound wins the day with Sralan and the 'dignitaries'. Or will they go for burning the place down and building a car park, like so many before them?

Sralan and the Sugar Babes on BBC1
Daily Mail goes for the 'gay hole' angle, natch

Update: Our local red-top, the Thanet Times, appears to have bust all embargoes and run the full story ahead of tonight's show, even revealing the identity of who's fired. Hmm, not sure the Beeb will be too happy about that. If you don't mind having your surprises spoilt, click here to read on.

You're Torched!

Click here for full story on The Mirror website

Sugar Babes Set To Put Margate On The Map

News that my old millionaire chum Sir Alan Sugar will be setting his charges to the task of turning Margate into a boom town for the next series of The Apprentice warms the cockles of my proverbial. I feel certain that Margatonians will welcome the sight of him cruising around in his Bentley Continental Flying Toss, explaining to all and sundry the finer points of tearing them a new arsehole unless they set off a tourism explosion.

Of course, Sir A is already a patron of the Arsonists' Playground, with Eli's excellent Sugar Lounge named in his honour. And his catchphrase 'You're fired!' has been applied to many of the town's former attractions and heritage buildings. But what else can be done to tart up the town and get the tills tinkling? Here are my top tips for his budding apprentices:

- Rename town 'Marbella'
- Erect brown signs directing people to attractions that don't exist
- Close all public toilets so people have to pee in bars and restaurants
- Remove rotting seaweed from harbour and dump it in Broadstairs
- Convert museums into luxury apartments

Oops, sorry. I think the council have already tried those. Apart from the first one, of course!

Click here to read full story in Isle of Thanet Gazunder

Bob Marleygate

Well the horror flicks were all a bit predictable. But the after party at Eli's Sugar Lounge rocked! Well, reggaed actually.

The sign outside promised 'Bob Marley', testimony indeed to the restorative powers of the Margate ozone. It wasn't until I fished out the old pince-nez that I spied the word tribute underneath. But I wasn't disappointed, and the band played all the old favourites with a verisimilitude that had me wondering if Bob had indeed relocated to the Arsonists' Playground in his final days, and found it truly to be the invalids' last hope.

Oh well, next up, the comedy shorts festival. I might have a go at that myself. I think I've got a pair up in the attic, a remnant from my Butlins days.