Sunday, May 07, 2006

A Property Developer Writes

More and more people are asking me these days: "How can I make a bundle of cash, and drive around in a Bentley like you?"

Well, the answer is simple. All you have to do is find a run down location, preferably by the sea. If you can locate a derelict hospital near the seafront, or a moribund amusement park, so much the better.

Wait a few years until the place is festering with vermin and a total eyesore. The locals will then be so desperate for something, anything to be built on your site, you could probably even get planning permission for a Chernobyl style nuclear power station! (If it is a nuclear power station you're after, do ensure you use the 'It'll bring jobs for the locals' line.)

At this stage one or two of the natives might get a bit uppity, and you may even have to face an 'inquiry', but don't worry as your local council will be on your side, as long as you've promised to incorporate a bus shelter/public convenience/multi storey car park in the plans.

Tip: If things do get tricky, try putting a completely pointless 'visitor attraction' on your site. The bigger and more garish the 'attraction' the better. Don't bother spending money on planning permission or a health and safety certificate, as you won't actually be opening it to the public. The fact that it is irritatingly useless will ensure the locals become ever more desperate to see something 'useful' (your development) on the rat infested wasteland you've created.

And don't forget, in extremis you can always have a word with that pit bull tugging bloke in a tracksuit who's been hanging around your site brandishing a can of unleaded and a box of Swan Vestas in his giant, tattoed mits.

Then all you have to do is sit back, relax, and browse the latest luxury motor mags!

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of that song:

"Big wheel keeps on turning,
Proud Margate keeps on burning"!

fission chips said...

Like the line about jobs for the locals. I also find that, if there's been a spillage, the old 'Two heads are better than one' works well.

Nethercourt said...

Now that explains everything! All these years graftin', payin' me due's an' playin' a straight bat.....

Hmmm.... change name by deed poll....summat that rhymes with Hunt I s'pose.....

Lucy Mail said...

It's perhaps interesting to note that, of our greatest entrepreneurs, if you just use the first part of their surnames you end up with such legends as 'God' and 'Thor'.
Well it stands to reason, doesn't it?

Eastcliff Richard said...

Add to those the little known Vanuatan deities 'Eze' and 'Ga' and you have the full pantheon!

nosher said...

I ordered a full pantheon once but I couldn't finish it.

Lucy Mail said...

And maybe also interesting to note, of those wannabes that don't quite cut it, you come up with things like 'Moo'.
Speaks volumes, I propose.

Eastcliff Richard said...

Watch out! He'll be after you with his laser/watch thing if you're not careful!

Eastcliff Richard said...

That's odd, I remember saying something similar to Ram Skate once. Are you Lucy by any chance related?

Lucy Mail said...

Or just a common cause (in some respects)?
I think the whole thing may be a moo point at the end of the day.
Y'know, like a cows opinion.
But he does seem to ask for it, our resident spy who loves us.

Eastcliff Richard said...

Perhaps you should just give him the cold finger.

Anonymous said...

You make it sound so complicated and expensive. Why not use the age old tried and tested Thanet method of stuffing £10K into a brown envelope and giving it to the right local Councillor? It's well worth it cos you'll only get caught once in a blue moon, as the first of our entrepreneurs mentioned by Lucy, can testify. Southwark Crown Court isn't that far away anyway.

Simple. Easy peasey. You don't get caught every time you exceed the speed limit do you?

Eastcliff Richard said...

Wasn't there a chap called Cyril who got into a bit of trouble for that sort of thing?

Anonymous said...

I say briefly: Best! Useful information. Good job guys.
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