Friday, May 05, 2006

Fuzz Words

'THE ISLE OF CRIME' screams the headline on the front of today's Gazunder. Apparently burglary's up, drug crime's up, car crime's up, everything's up.

Of course, here on the sunny south side, the only thing that's up is property prices, so us Ramsgate millionaires have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, in the spirit of public-mindedness that is my trademark, I thought I'd look into it further.

Our local top cop Peter West (who's apparently 'Super!'), promises to come down "extremely hard" on the crims, and tells the Gazunder: "There are a number of tactics open to us and we are using them all the time."

After a chat with my contacts in the force, I can now exclusively reveal what those tactics are:

1. Canteen tea changed from Typhoo to PC Tips
2. Ball juggling replaced with truncheon juggling
3. Thanet police dog 'Woofie' renamed 'Tyson'
4. 'Noddy' DVDs in rest room substituted with 'CSI Crime Scene'
5. Sun newspaper in WCs replaced by 'The Job'.

I feel confident that, with these new police tactics in place, it will only be a matter of time before everything does, indeed, come down all around us.


sfdretywu said...

It's not got so bad that the NHS has pulled the plug.
The police have friendly offices now, instead of those awfully intimidating stations. Do they still have cells downstairs and filing cabinets full of finger prints?
The fire brigade seem to have time enough on their hands to play with people's bull terriers.
St Johns are either doing a better job of keeping the streets clean than the council or, they haven't been littered with bodies of late (the streets, that is. I really couldn't say what goes on in the ambulance shed).
Noone has changed the big blue C in the Westwood Cross sign to a G yet, though it would be easy enough with a strip of blue plastic and some epoxy resin.

Things ain't so bad, are they?

Sorry about this morning but had just discovered that I'd run out of coffee. That's the third time this week I've had to sack the maid. I'm gonna fire her the next time it happens.

Did you hear about the guy who got his viagra tablets mixed up with his sleeping pills and had to pop off for 40 wanks?

Sorry, but an asterisk would've ruined that completely!

Eastcliff Richard said...

Don't worry, I'll let that one through on a nod and a w*nk.

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