'THE ISLE OF CRIME' screams the headline on the front of today's Gazunder. Apparently burglary's up, drug crime's up, car crime's up, everything's up.
Of course, here on the sunny south side, the only thing that's up is property prices, so us Ramsgate millionaires have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, in the spirit of public-mindedness that is my trademark, I thought I'd look into it further.
Our local top cop Peter West (who's apparently 'Super!'), promises to come down "extremely hard" on the crims, and tells the Gazunder: "There are a number of tactics open to us and we are using them all the time."
After a chat with my contacts in the force, I can now exclusively reveal what those tactics are:
1. Canteen tea changed from Typhoo to PC Tips
2. Ball juggling replaced with truncheon juggling
3. Thanet police dog 'Woofie' renamed 'Tyson'
4. 'Noddy' DVDs in rest room substituted with 'CSI Crime Scene'
5. Sun newspaper in WCs replaced by 'The Job'.
I feel confident that, with these new police tactics in place, it will only be a matter of time before everything does, indeed, come down all around us.