Monday, May 01, 2006

Alfred Hitchcock Presents

Those pesky seagulls have been at the bin bags round the side of the house again, polishing off what was left of last night's Chateaubriand.

I am resolved to stop the blighters. I've printed out a life sized photograph of our local council leader Sandy Beach, and attached it to the fence opposite.

If that doesn't scare them off, I'll eat Elton's wig.

10 comments:

Lucy Mail said...

If the wig, itself, doesn't get carried off by a seagull!
Now that would be quite a sight.
People would be left wondering if we weren't being invaded by German seagulls.

Eastcliff Richard said...

Actually Elton's wig has a nice little life of its own, and would much prefer to be sunning itself beside Elton's pool in the south of France, a G&T in its hairy little hand.

Snailspace said...

I've heard that a seagulls matter to energy conversion system has no means of venting gas. So feed it alkaseltsa. The build up of gas in the matter/ energy system will reach a critical stage, at which point the creature will adopt a glazed expression then rocket skywards on a pillar of projectile poo.With luck it will make splash down somewhere mid chanel or better still in EDFs back yard

sfdretywu said...

Same thing works for most birds. You'll need to wrap the effervescent in something that the bird will eat, though. In most instances, rather than rocket skywards, the bird will feel extreme discomfort and often panic, resulting in the creatures' stomach exploding and subsequent demise of said flapper.
Works paticularly well for ducks.
Don't try this indoors.
If you get especially bored, you could always try the 'spoonful of mustard up a cows bum' trick.
Hard to believe, but cows can almost somersault!

Lucy Mail said...

Good grief!
I do hope you people are joking about this as it goes a little beyond pulling the legs off of insects.
Beef and mustard should really only be mixed in a sandwich.

Anonymous said...

Sodium bicarbonate powder wrapped up in bread and thrown into untreated offerings has a similar gassy effect in gizzard. Richard suggest you get your cook to soak raisins in a good brandy and feed gulls. Drunk birds have problems flying.

Anonymous said...

Sodium bicarbonate powder wrapped up in bread and thrown into untreated offerings has a similar gassy effect in gizzard. Richard suggest you get your cook to soak raisins in a good brandy and feed gulls. Drunk birds have problems flying.

sfdretywu said...

I suggest that we soak rabbit poo (the green, partly digested stuff rather than the black, depleted stuff) in methylated spirit and feed it to the tramps.
When the tramps die, eventually, the seagulls can eat them and make everyone in Ramsgate carry brollies!
Or maybe bowler hats will come back in?

Eastcliff Richard said...

Ram Skate, I'm beginning to feel slightly troubled about the way in which you seem to know so much about how to set fire to, blow up, or otherwise exterminate god's creatures. You don't by any chance work for Gullbusters do you?

By the way, have you met my friend at Local Stunna Seeks Soulmate? I think you two might get along!

sfdretywu said...

Gullbusters? Hardly!
Pfizer, in Vivians section.
Have some extraordinary tales to tell about beagles if anyone is interested?
BTW, thanks for the tip on picking up birds but the RSPCA has taken an injunction out and I'm not allowed to do that any more.