Ferry Sad News

Time to bid goodbye to the sight of this ferry plying our waters, I'm afraid. My spy writes:

Just to inform you that TEF's ferry the Primrose has received a sternramp for her charter between Spain and Morroco. She will be chartered for 3 months and is expected to do her first sailing for a company called COMARIT on 22 June. She also recieved additional cabins and Pullman seats.

Its highly unlikely she will ever return to Ramsgate. Her first appearance was in 1994 when she was chartered to Sally Line for the Dunkirk route due to a fire on board the Sally Star. She then operated for Ostend lines as a spare vessel. In 1998 she was sold to Denval marine and chartered to their ferry division, TEF.

So, one down and, what, five to go? Meanwhile, six months after our MP trumpeted the thing, there's still no real indication that the new Euroferries fast cat is doing anything other than stalking the Canaries!

Dated Primrose info on Wikipedia

East Of The Wantsum

Yet again I'm late putting up this week's East of the Wantsum (click on the image to enlarge). But then I have an excuse. The promotional epic I'm currently working on - Smell the Profit for the Polish Cheese Board - is not going well. Despite pulling an all-nighter in the edit suite, it still sounds like their president is admonishing the viewers to treat their gussets by handing round the cheesy Polish nipples.

I have a horrible feeling that, no matter how much I polish this Polish turd, the stench is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Council's Load Of Rubbish

Reader Ernie from Newington writes:

Hello. On Wednesday after leaving the doctors in Dumpton Park Drive I thought it would be nice to walk down to the sea front via Bellevue Rd. As I got to Arklow Square the druggies were waiting for their supplier to arrive (nothing new there), it was then that I noticed the mess that was strewn across the road. Almost without exception every bin bag had been SEAGULLED.

When I then looked along Augusta Road it was just the same. Good job the B&Bs have gone. I had to return to the doc's at tea time, got off the bus in Plains of Waterloo. Yes the bin bags had gone but the CRAP was still all over the road and pavements. I live on the Newington Estate and the road sweepers follow the bin men. Yes we do have wheelie bins but the spillage is cleaned up.

I thought you would like to know that us from up here in the 'jungle' do notice things, and I did call TDC. And I like to read your blog. Regards, Ernie.

Well Ernie, I can vouch for the fact that the East Cliff is looking decidedly grimy these days, following the decision by numb-nuts at the council to withdraw weekly sweeping, and to refuse wheelie bins for the refuse. You might like to know, however, that not all the B&Bs have gone. In fact the Glendevon in Truro Road is rated the best B&B on the island according to TripAdvisor! Quite what visitors make of the soiled nappies and crushed Stella cans lining the street, heaven knows.

As an illustration of just how crap the, er, crap looks, I've plucked this snap off the excellent FixMyStreet website, where you can complain to TDC to your heart's content!

Don't Call Me Shirley

Lorks! What with Councillor/Doctor Biggles' recent obsession with Romans and gladiators, and his ongoing interest in flying, I'm beginning to wonder whether he's not positioning himself for the part of Captain Clarence Oveur in some putative remake of Airplane!

Update: Our Simes now appears to have a bee in his helmet about something in today's Gazunder, and is threatening to do a tug over the paper's offices if they don't print the truth. Hold the inside middle page!

Ramsgate Rated As Staycation Destination

As we all know, staying in the UK is the new going abroad this year, so I was chuffed to see the Millionaires' Playground given a rave review on the influential Have A Lovely Time blog this week.

The blog describes itself as encompassing 'holiday and activity reports - by parents for parents', and their correspondent Alice Castle, taking her cue from me (natch), dubs our island 'the new Riviera'. Staying in a rented cottage in Ramsgate for four days with her two girls, Alice waxes lyrical about being only two minutes from Waitrose, the 'pretty town centre' and Peter's Fish Factory. Unfortunately she then takes a wrong turn and ends up going to the Dickens House Museum and Morellis in 'Margate', but then it's an easy mistake to make.

So the next time our council duffers tell you the bucket and spade holiday is dead, and that we must now make our way in the world by assembling Chinese tut and disassembling dumped old DC10s, point them in Alice's direction. And as a little reminder of just how your council has let you down in the last 20 years, here's a montage from the Jolly Boy's Outing episode of Only Fools and Horses, filmed in Margate in 1989. Watch it, count all the things that have been bulldozed or burnt down, and weep!

Madeira Fake?

Reader Frank from Ramsgate writes:

I see that our 'Mediterranean style Madeira Falls' are back in action. As you reported last month, the council put up a notice saying that 'work was being undertaken to infill any cracks in the pulhamite rocks with specialist sands and material to match the original render provided in the 19th Century.'

True to their word, the work has been carried out in the timescale they mentioned, but am I the only one who thinks they may have used fibreglass rather than 'specialist sands and material to match the original render provided in the 19th Century'? It may be that the work needs to age into its setting, but it certainly doesn't match the original pulhamite at the moment and looks very yellow. I will disobey orders one night soon and investigate. Will let you know the upshot.

Well Frank, I have indeed noticed that the feature looks very different, and look forward to hearing the results of your investigation. Meanwhile, the Festival of Britain fountain on our trendy East Cliff is still as dry as the Kalahari, as it has been for months!

Festival of Britain fountain: dry as a nun's nasty

Tomato Catch-Up

I take it all back. Sitting here in one of Soho's finest edit facilities, slaving over my latest directorial masterpiece (Smell The Profit for the Polish Cheese Board), I ordered my usual lunch of tricolore salad from Ed the runner. Afterwards I commented how tasty his toms were.

'They're from your part of the world,' he replied. And sure enough, he whipped out the above packet from the kitchen area. I must say, every bite was like a little burst of Thanet sunshine exploding in the old Eastcliff bouche! Never again will I moan about 'watery toms' and 'battery-farmed vegetables'.

Still, I did make sure Ed had washed them throughly before preparing lunch. After all, you never know who might have picked them!

Politics And Bad Eggs

The news that racist scumbag Nick Griffin, the British Nazi Party leader, was pelted with eggs outside parliament today warmed the old Eastcliff cockles. However, I see Dr Biggles has leapt to his defence over on his 'Popular But Beseiged™' blog Thanet Life. Comparing the incident to the Roman Empire or something, Cllr Moores writes:

Nick Griffin should be allowed to speak unhindered by egg-throwing and placard wielding demonstrators from the UAF. After all, he will argue that we allow other small extremist groups to march unhindered through our streets, calling for the murder of our own soldiers or Holocaust Denial. By preventing his democratic rights as an elected MEP - no matter our own personal thoughts - we risk provoking the growth of the very extremism that politicians of all parties and their supporters should be working tirelessly to avoid.

Well excuse me, Dr M, but we're talking here about the Nick Griffin who, at his 1998 trial for inciting racial hatred, uttered this in his defence:

I am well aware that the orthodox opinion is that six million Jews were gassed and cremated and turned into lampshades. Orthodox opinion also once held that the world is flat ... I have reached the conclusion that the 'extermination' tale is a mixture of Allied wartime propaganda, extremely profitable lie, and latter witch-hysteria.

So I really think he does deserve to be called names and have eggs thrown at him at every opportunity. And, y'know, when John Prescott had an egg hurled at him during the 2001 election campaign, I'm willing to bet the good Tory doctor didn't start banging on about 'Roman Tribunes' and 'democratic rights'! No, he probably had a jolly good laugh like the rest of us. Oh the hypocrisy!

Local councillor defends BNP's 'democratic rights'
John Prescott gets egg on face

I Won't Be Back

Seeing as the rash is clearing up nicely, I thought I'd risk an outing in the G-Wiz to Westwood Vue last night. Given all the publicity surrounding Christian Bale's luvvyfit during the making of the film, I assumed there'd be some top method acting, characterisation, plot, story... y'know, all the things that go to make up a good movie.

Sadly I was very much mistaken. Despite some effective sci-fi action sequences, the whole edifice deteriorates into a 'what shall we do now?' shambles of bullets and explosions, culminating in a fleeting glimpse of the Governor of California, topped off by a truly desperate attempt to justify a sequel. There's nothing in this sorry effort that even echoes the novelty, wit and suspense of the original Terminator series.

So honestly, do not risk permanent hearing impairment by seeing this film. Despite inserting the F1 grade earplugs I wear for outings on the old throbber, I'm still deaf this morning. Worse still, Westwood Vue managed to cock up the first five minutes of the film, resulting in sound but no picture. When they finally managed to restart it, they didn't start it at the beginning. Oh no, they started it about five minutes in, missing out one of the few key plot moments. In the words of Bale himself: 'What the f*ck are you doing? Are you professional or what?!!!?' Hasta la vista, baby!

Bangers And Rash

To the excellent Bucket and Spade Run this afternoon, which was held on Government Acre here in the Millionaires' Playground. The B&S is an annual ghost of Ramsgate's proud motoring heritage, which more or less finally carked it when the Motor Museum closed a few years ago. Indeed, if one were to delve further back into the mists of time, you'd find tales of speed trials being held on the Western Undercliff. Yep, thems were the days.

Forutnately the sun shone on the petrolheads and a splendid time was had by all. Congrats to the Ramsgate Old Motor and Cycle Club who put on the event.

Of course, I exhibited the new G-Wiz. But I have to say there wasn't a lot of interest. And now I find the rather cheap plastic seats in the thing have brought the old Eastcliff derriere out in a plague of pimples. Fortunately I'm smarter than the average Thanetian and can therefore find my arse with both, or if push comes to shove, one hand. So while I go and rub on the ointment, here are some more piccies of marvellous old jalopies.

East Of The Wantsum

Lumme! In all that election kerfuffle yesterday I clean forgot to put up East of the Wantsum. A particularly topical number this week, if I say so myself. Which I do. As ever, click on the image to read the small print.

Blue Is The Colour

In the county council elections, that is. The duffers will be running the county for another four years. I'm off to open a vein.

Update: Green (LAB) and Kirby (CON) elected to KCC in Ramsgate. Biggest loser was the racist from the BNP, with Gerry O'Ramsgate second last.

Update: Ramsgate's teeny-tiny council has no single party in control. 7 CON, 7 LAB (including car-crushing councillor Dave Green, hurrah!), and two independents - Ralph 'Mr Ramsgate' Hoult and Gerry 'Ramsgate First' O'Donnell. Click here for full results.

Click here for KCC's results map. However it crashed under the strain this afternoon. Piss-ups, breweries, etc etc

Thanet Earth Leaves Bad Taste In Mouth

This new G-Swiz I'm 'driving' isn't a patch on the old Toyota Priapus! It seems to spend most of its time plugged into the mains. Which is why I was forced to run the gauntlet of the Thanet Loop earlier on a trip to the quack.

Adhering to the half gallon of sticky stuff that some kind soul had redecorated the floor of the bus with was today's Daily Wail. Now ordinarily I wouldn't even use the thing to wipe the Eastcliff derriere, but a headline caught my eye: The Franken Veg Factory - UK Scientists Will Soon Be Artificially Growing Millions Of Lettuces That'll Never See The Sun, Rain Or Soil. A typically snappy Wail headline, as I'm sure you'll agree, but at least it wasn't the usual claim that monkey toenails are the new wonder cure for cancer, or that lip balm can give you Alzheimers.

Quick as a flash, the Eastcliff braincells pondered: 'I wonder if they're talking about those delicious, juicy toms and tasty green peppers from Thanet Earth that our local rags are constantly telling us about?' So I scraped the paper off the floor, and there among the talk of 'factory farms', 'nightmares' and 'grown in Rockwool' was, indeed, Thanet Earth! How dare they put the wind up us with their tales of 'huge mountains of almost-impossible-to-recycle waste', their 'massive drain... on local water resources' and their 'huge carbon footprints'. Kuh! Scaremongering Tory bastards!

Oh well, the quack says it should clear up if I keep applying the lip balm. If only I could remember where I put it. About half past one, seeing as you ask.

We've created a monster! in Daily Mail
Curry may fight dementia

Did You Know?

Matt Clarke, the fresh-faced Kiwi boss of Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport, is also the editor of the Marlowe Academy's teenzine Oi!

Oi!
Oirport!

Green Day

Now that the beer-à-rear's finally cleared up after Tuesday night's garglethon, I suppose I ought to be making my mind up (as Thanet's newest celeb would say) about who to vote for in today's electoral bunfight.

As you know, we're blessed with three elections in one day here in the Millionaires' Playground - Euro, county and for the first time ever, teeny-tiny town council. Now, any unfortunate who has studied this outpouring of unadulterated drivel since its inception way back in 2006 will know that I'm naturally of a Libdem bent. But there's no Libdem action in these parts to speak of, and I'd rather stick pins in my willy than vote Conservative. Which is why my ballot paper will be green all the way. That is - caff-crushing, car-crushing Councillor David Green (Lab) for the teeny-tiny council; Mrs caff-crushing, car-crushing Councillor Elizabeth Green (Lab) for the county council; and the lovely Caroline Lucas (Green) for the Euro nonsense.

Why? Well all three seem prepared to stick up for the rights of individuals over international conglomerates like Infratil who want to fly knackered old 747s over my head all night every night, that's why. Yes, I know there are other candidates who have similar views, but frankly they are jokes. At the local level, both Lord and Lady Green have been councillors in these parts for yonks. And in my opinion they do a pretty good job. Yes, I know they belong to a party whose leader is about as much use as a chocolate teapot and whose cabinet appears to be even shakier than the one my Aunt Mavis bought from the late, lamented MFI last year. But local is what counts in these elections, and they're the best people for the job in my humble opinion.

This may seem rather disloyal to the man responsible for gaining us a town council in the first place, Ramsgate First's One and Only Gerry O'Donnell, who is also standing in the East Cliff ward for both county and town councils. And it's true, he's a nice enough fellow, and his teeny-tiny ice cream kiosk is a real asset to the area. His heart is definitely in the right place - Ramsgate - but on a broader political front he has some rather, er, quaint ideas which don't chime in with my showbiz liberal streak. He really does appear to have dropped an enormous political bollock by telling SmegHead Steve Higgins that he has no right to complain about the airport because he hasn't lived here long enough. Not very inclusive of the DFLs (comme moi) who are the town's lifeblood there, eh Gerry?

Still, whoever you're voting for, the main thing is - make sure you vote!

Ramsgate BNP Candidate Offered Kent Journalist £5000 To 'Go Home'

Now you might think the best way to treat the BNP would be to ignore them. And ordinarily I'd do just that. But Dennis Whiting, their county council candidate for Ramsgate, deserves an outing.

The 75 year old former librarian, who hails not from Ramsgate but Whitstable, offered Whitstable Times reporter Constance Lee £5000 during an interview in 2006 to return to her parents' homeland of Malaysia. Remember, this is the party that claims it's not racist. Dennis the Pennis told Lee, who was born in Kent: 'People from the Far East, Asia and Africa are less capable of being able to assimilate because different racial characteristics lead to different cultural characteristics. We don't think it's a good thing that the whole world should end up coffee-coloured.'

Tell that to the Gurkhas, Dennis. Among his other electoral gems, the prospective county (without the 'O') councillor calls Ramsgate 'run down', says he plans to fine any company that employs foreign workers, and lauds St Augustine for landing in Cliffsend to 'evangelise the Anglo-Saxons' so 'we became a great Christian nation'. Hmm, for a former librarian, he ain't got much of a handle on history, has he? Last time I looked, St Augustine was an Italian immigrant, and Jesus Christ was from Judea. Using Dennis's twisted logic, they should both have been banned, surely?

Dennis the Racist story in Press Gazette
Full list of candidates in Ramsgate

How Does Your Garden Grow?

I'm indebted to regular contributor Walter for pointing me towards the Natural History Museum's Postcode Plants Database. The idea's simple. You just pop in the first part of your postcode et voila! All the native flora recorded in your area is listed!

So having entered CT11, I found an extensive list of everything from Annual Beard Grass (something you see a lot down the Belgian Bar), to Black Bog-rush (the morning after a night in the Belgian Bar). Yep, from Nipplewort to Rough Chervil, from Stinking Goosefoot to Man Orchid, it's all there. It even gives Latin names, lists everything under type (e.g annual, biennial, perennial, creeper etc), has photos of many of the plants, and recommends which would be suitable for the garden here at the old cliff top mansion.

Right! I'm off down the garden centre toute de suite to grab myself a Stinking Iris!

Postcode flora at Natural History Museum

From Drags To Riches

In Memoriam
Danny La Rue
Cross-dressing entertainer

So farewell
Then, Danny La Rue.

You were sort of
A former-day
Eddie Izzard.
But with
More songs.

Like many of the
Old timers
You lived
In these parts.
My dad
Once worked
With you at
The Winter Gardens.

Dad died
On that
Occasion.
Now you have
Too.

E. C. Richard (29)

PS: Mr Eastcliff Senior was invited to a celebrity wedding in Great Yarmouth in 1977. D La R was giving away some old tug from Corrie or Crossroads or some such. Pater took along his super 8 camera, so here's a short clip from the Eastcliff home movie archive. It's silent. And, er, a bit shaky. But then showbiz and the DTs tend to go hand in hand like that. Danny's the one in the beige suit, not the orange dress, in case you're wondering.

Restaurant News

Hurrah! It looks as if the Millionaires' Playground is to get yet another fine dining experience! Not only is the Cannes of Kent home to one of the best eateries in the south east, Age & Sons (dubbed 'the finest restaurant in Thanet' in today's Observer), but now top chef John Burton Race is re-opening Harveys, on Ramsgate's rip-roaring royal harbour, as a fantastic fish restaurant.

According to the excellent yourfannitinnit, JBR has coughed up 250 big ones to transform this formerly hideous boozer, which has been boarded up for the last year, into the dogfish's bollocks of piscine cuisine. The celebrity chef already has Michelin-rated nosheries under his belt. Shame, though, that Thanet College alumnus Gary Rhodes, who was once rumoured to have been in the frame to open up here, seems to have got cold feet. His puddings are yum! Of course, we already have one fish restaurant on the Croisette - Atlantis. But being a Thorley establishment I have to say from experience that that's more like Captain Digby Deluxe.

So, Ramsgate now has two top restaurants to Margate's one (the superb Indian Princess). And as reported exclusively by yours truly, Eddie Gilbert the fishmonger on Ramsgate's 'King Street will soon be serving fish and chips fit for a, er, king. But what about the poor old Dickensians? Surely the betweeded grannies, second homers and perma-tanned builders' wives in Boredstares deserve something a bit better than scampi in a basket? The deliciously delightful Oscar Road Cafe is all well and good for the best crab sandwiches in Kent during the day, but what about sophisticated dining once the sun's gone down? Well, step forward this joint:

Restaurant 54, the new gaff at the top of Harbour Street, opposite the Dolphin meat market. It's had umpteen different guises in the past few years, prompting the double glazing and conservatory millionaires who were leaving as I passed by last night to ponder whether the name referred to the number of owners it's had since the turn of the century.

Still, from what I overheard they appeared to have enjoyed their meal, and of course it was only a short waddle for them down the hill to Harpers wine bar, where they no doubt rounded off the evening by larging it with the WAGS (of other double glazing and conservatory millionaires) before belling the missus to come and chauffeur them back to Kingsgate in the old V8 Range Rover.

Harveys in yourfannitinnit
The Observer raves about Thanet - and Age & Sons
Er, John Burton Race declares himself bankrupt

East Of The Wantsum

For those of you too mean, or poor, to cough up 60p for your Isle of Thanet Gazunder, here's this week's East of the Wantsum (click on image to enlarge). And if you want to see your idea turned into newsprint next week, just drop me a line at:

richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk.

Not that, um, I'm getting desperate for ideas or anything.

The paper currently appears obsessed with spooky goings on. The front page was devoted to Councillor Mark Nottingham's house being struck by lightning, and I see they're running a story on their website about a huge, triangular object spotted a mile off Ramsgate on Google Earth, thus cementing the island's place as the UFO capital of Britain. Not to mention the Stella capital, spliff capital, methodone capital and generally silly-as-a-bum-full-of-Smarties capital.

All this talk of UFOs gives me the perfect excuse to publish a hitherto unpublished snap which one of my lovely Thanet readers sent me back in February. Is it a star? Is it the International Space Station? And, more importantly, why is it tugging a banner with all those numbers on???

Bad Sign

Apologies for the bluriness of this snap, but it's rather hard to focus as you're hurtling down the Thanet Way at a breakneck 40mph in the brand new G-Wiz that you've just picked up from the London dealer, desperately looking for a power point to plug into in the next three miles.

Anyhow, have you spotted the deliberate error in this new tourist sign yet? No? Well I'll tell you then. According to my copy of the Highway Code, that 'M' next to Margate denotes 'Museum'. And as we all know, the council closed Margate's museum a while ago. So now we have a new, out-of-date sign which replaces the old, out-of-date sign which directed everyone to the closed/burnt out Dreamland. Kushti!

The Apprentice - Ramsgate Was Robbed!

The persistent word among the local millionaires is that the BBC initially wanted to bring Sralan and his apprentices to Ramsgate rather than Margate for this series of the popular business cock- (or increasingly hen-) fights.

The Beeb's researcher apparently rang one of the council's Ramsgate offices, but was referred under standing orders to the Cecil Square propaganda unit who presumably rubbed their hands with glee and said: 'Nah - you don't wanna go there. Come and see how we're spending £60m (allegedly) regenerating Margate instead!' The rest, as we now know, is history.

While we're on the topic of the Margate episode, I must extend my sincere apologies to Mr Dickens of Broadstairs whose Apprentice-related email has been languishing in my inbox for the past couple of weeks, awaiting a suitable peg to hang it on. Mr D of B had some very sound ideas about promoting Margate, including a large poster of our beloved leader in his Cecil Square office with the caption: 'Margate welcomes tourists - you f*cking tossers!' and a traditional view of the Margate skyline in flames with the tagline: 'Experience the excitement of the Blitz from your guest house window.' Nice one, Mr D of B!

My Other Plane's A Herc

Holy earplugs! Is it open day at Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport or something? What with an unmarked military Hercules going round and round in incessant circles, the Pfizer exec jet, a helicopter and a knackered old 737 doing the rounds, anyone would think they were trying to persuade a potential buyer that it was a going concern. I've had to turn the old Bang and Olufsen up to 11 just to hear myself think!

As one reader who's just emailed me put it: 'Perhaps it's like the last days of Saigon and that nice Kiwi chap who's in charge will be the last one to leave from the roof of the terminal building at sunset.' Or are San Dee Zeek-il and his North Thanet junta preparing their last minute escape? One can only hope, I suppose.

Will the last person to leave please turn out the landing lights?

Swarm Weather

Regular contributor Walter has sent me this splendid snap, adding that he had 50-80 of these Painted Ladies in his Ramsgate garden yesterday.

According to that font of all lepidopteral knowledge, The Sun, millions of these huge African butterflies are invading Britain because they love our weather. Hmm. Haven't seen that on the BNP's election leaflets. The paper adds:

More and more Painted Ladies are expected to make the 1,000-mile flight from their native North Africa if climate change continues to bring milder winters and warmer summers. Richard Fox, of the Butterfly Conservation charity, said: 'If we have a good year there will be one in every garden in Britain.'

Did you know? The term 'painted lady' can also refer to gaily decorated Victorian and Edwardian houses, and to the majority of builders' wives in Broadstairs.

Butterflies in The Sun

San Dee Zeek-Il Spotted In Margate

Margatonians were treated to a rare glimpse of their normally reclusive leader San Dee Zeek-il at the North Thanet Party Rally and People's Motorcycle Festival yesterday. Reader Adem managed to whip out his Box Brownie in time to snap off a piccie. As you can see, Chairman Zeek-il was accompanied by his lovely wife Cher-il Zeek-il, Deputy Chairman Roh Char Lach-for, and Party Administrator Ree Char Samoo-el:

May's Bank Holiday

Good to see my old Top Gear chum James May meandering around the Arsonists' Playground this afternoon. Unlike last year's washout, today's sunshine made Margate Meltdown, and the Ace Cafe's throbfest was rocking with rockers. And one or two mods.

What with the harbour arm packed with stalls and visitors too, it actually looked as if some thought had been put into it. Shame that stallholders were given free parking, though, while ratepayers were made to pay. But hey-ho, you can't have it all.

If only our beloved council would make an effort to put on these sorts of events here in the south. However, as previously reported, they managed to balls up our only annual shindig, the Powerboat Weekend. Seems like all we pay our council tax for here in Ramsgate is the privilege of having knackered old jumbos fly over us. Still, there's a grand old thunderstorm rumbling around the Millionaires' Playground right now. At least they can't take that away from us!

Outrage Over North Thanet S-Bomb Test

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder World Affairs Editor Hugh Jorgan

North Thanet has made good on its threat to carry out a second test of its biological 'stink bomb', provoking a strong reaction from South Thanet leaders.

The device was let off in the Margate harbour area this weekend, creating a stench that scientists say may well outlast religion. Previously it was thought that North Thanet lacked the technology to deliver the dirty bomb, but experts now believe the mad boffins in Cecil Square have made a breakthrough and could soon be targeting other towns on the Thanet peninsula, including the South Thanet capital Ramsgate.

South Thanet spokesman Richard Eastcliff told the Gazunder: 'Our highly sensitive pong detectors registered an event at around low tide with its epicentre somewhere north of Margate old town. This is the same area where the last test was conducted in 2006'. North Thanet is currently constructing a 'Turner Centre' on the site which some think may be a cover for processing the large amounts of rotting seaweed and raw sewage needed for the S-bomb.

World leaders have rushed to condemn North Thanet's volatile Chairman San Dee Zeek-il following the news. At a hastily arranged press conference, prime minister Gordon Brown said he would be keeping an eye on the situation as soon as he'd fished it out of its case on the bedside cabinet.

Sand Dee Zeek-il is 59.

Going Through The Motions

Confirmation (if it was needed) today from the Marine Conservation Society that you're better off in Ramsgate if you want to avoid E. Coli this bank holiday weekend.

The MCS's 2009 Good Beach Guide describes Ramsgate Main Sands as 'an excellent family beach' which 'receives regular awards', and gives it the five star seal of approval borriewise. Hurrah! Contrast that with Margate, which failed to get a recommendation and could only manage a 'basic pass' for water quality, adjacent to the ominous words 'combined sewer overflow, tertiary discharge'. Yurgh! The MCS also had a downer on Viking Bay in Broadstairs, which the many people who have returned from a swim there only to find themselves fetching up with a touch of the old bubonic plague will no doubt testify to.

What with that and Ramsgate being the only Blue Flag beach of the three this year, plus today's forecast predicting a scorching weekend for the tip of Kent, you'd better get down to the Millionaires' Playground and grab your champagne sorbets before they're all gone!

Good Beach Guide 2009
Borries bring down the tone of Britain's beaches
Ramsgate gets the Blue Flag
Phew! It's going to be a scorcher!

Ripper! It's Ramsgate!

Merde! It's Margate!

Sign Wave

Crumbs! Tooling back from a cheese and wine evening in Whitstable last night, I noticed the Dreamland signs at the end of the Thanet Way had finally disappeared. And only three years after the pleasure park itself became defunct!

A new brown sign (how appropriate) now directs drivers to the varying delights of 'Thanet'. Ramsgate's there, although I'm wondering how long it'll take the local wags to scrawl a 'W' next to the anchor underneath. Other posts were awaiting signage, presumably to the Ike and Tina Turner Centre, and Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport. Or perhaps we'll be getting the long awaited 'Thanet - Home of Chinese Globalisation'!

Election Fever

So far only the LibDems, UKIP and the British Nazi Party have poked their election literature through the letterbox here at the old CTM.

The similarity between what UKIP are flogging and the BNP's strident shite is striking. Whilst Nigel Farage's lot have gone for well-known former UKIP leader Winston Churchill on the front cover (whatever happened to that mahogany-stained ex-TV presenter who used to be in charge?), the white supremacists feature a cuddly, Anglo-Saxon family alongside a suitably sepia-ed Spitfire and the slogan 'The NEW Battle for Britain'. I have to say, in purely literal terms, the BNP's message is the more positive: 'YES to putting British People First', contrasted with UKIP's 'SAY NO to European Union'.

Meanwhile, the LibDems showcase a totally faceless gimp in a suit cosying up to a couple of unknown, middle-aged harridans dressed in what I like to refer to as 'Human Resources mufti'. All three are grinning like loons. Presumably this is the LibDems' idea of what the average British family looks like these days, viz one gay guy and his bull dyke flatmates. Typically, they have a less than catchy slogan: 'Britain and our neighbours - stronger together, poorer apart'.

So far nought from the Blue, Red or Green Rinsers. No doubt it's on its way. Of course, these guys are after our Eurovotes on 4 June, but here in the Cannes of Kent we have two other elections occurring simultaneously, namely county council and teeny-tiny council. I look forward to seeing what the Ramsgate First And Only candidate, Gerry O'Ramsgate, has to say. My only recollection of his policies is that he favours marked out parking spaces over residents' permits as a solution to the East Cliff's congested streets, on the basis that it would prevent confused and hormonal lady drivers from taking up too much room. Clearly going for the female vote there, eh Gerry!

Dry And Windy

Just back from a druid meet at one of the local caves, and toddling along our trendy East Cliff I was struck by the amount of traffic going in and out of our splendid port here in the Millionaires' Playground. A veritable armada of specialist barges, tugs and lord knows what, much of which seems connected to the two offshore fart farms that will soon be blighting the sea views off Margate and Boredstares. No sign of those fast cats from Euroferries yet, though.

Whilst Ramsgate cements its environmental credentials as the Windy City, further along we appear to be suffering a drought:

Our Mediterranean style Madeira Falls have been dry for weeks now. The council sign appended to the railings explains:

Albion Gardens Waterfall Refurbishment - Thanet District Council apologises for any inconvenience during the cleaning and repairs to the waterfall. Following the cleaning of the silt and cutting back of vegetation, work is being undertaken to infill any cracks in the pulhamite rocks with specialist sands and material to match the original render provided in the 19th Century. This work required warmer weather and could not be carried out in the winter. It is hoped to have the works complete and the waterfall in operation at the start of June.

So now you know. No sign on the Festival of Britain fountain next to the luxury Granville Theatre and Cinem, though. That's also been dry for weeks. And this area:

where the council overturned a preservation order so they could grub out the trees and shrubs doesn't look as if it'll be replanted any time soon. As we know from recent events in Cliftonville, the Cecil Square duffers don't seem to rate flowers beds at the moment. Or are they just reluctant to spend any money in Ramsgate in the hope that the Town Council, when it's elected on 4 June, will have to pick up the tab?

Thanet Gets UN Aid

Leafing through the latest edition of Property Week, I came across an item headed: 'Commercial Group Properties plans 'China Gateway' conference centre in Kent'. Here's the first par:

Commercial Group Properties has signed a memorandum of understanding with the United Nations Industrial Development Organization (UNIDO) to set up a joint venture to construct, fund and let an exhibition and conference centre at Manston Business Park in Manston, Kent.

The article goes on to explain that 'the exhibition centre, which will also include an ‘industrial hub’ building, that is designed to encompass a very wide range of activities, businesses, organizations, and ‘cultural and visionary entrepreneurial concepts’. Yes, not very well written, I know, but presumably the thumb-texting sprog who wrote this is barely familiar with vowels, let alone grammar. Anyway, there's more:

The centre will, in particular through representation of various Chinese organizations, promote ‘Chinese business in all its myriad guises’ to a UK and EU clientele. It will also promote Chinese arts and culture, Chinese tourism and natural beauty; and the benefits of investment into China. The centre will be managed, promoted, developed and maintained by Commercial Group Properties or a subsidiary or nominated company. It said that Chinese organizations will have the benefit of the exhibition, conference, meeting and office facilities within the centre.

Commercial Group Properties said it is anticipated that Chinese provinces and cities will be able to secure seats in the centre and which will entitle them to use of those seats for specific periods each year.

All sounds pretty UN-inspired to me!

Property Week
UNIDO in Wikipedia
UNIDO website

Night Flight Blight Fight Tonight

I'll be popping along to the Airport Working Party meeting at 7pm tonight, over at Chas 'n' Dave International. Needless to say I'll be the one in the full druid outfit.

The crucial point on this evening's agenda is night flying. Following the ludicrous shenanigans over British Airways World Cargo's 'will they? won't they? move from Stansted to Manston, when our supine council bent over forwards to accommodate Infratil's nightmare/wet dream of freight 747s landing and taking off during the small wee hours, the topic is again up for discussion. Now, instead of just convening a quick meeting at the drop of a hat to OK limited night flights (try getting them to do that if you wanted planning permission to, say, open a fine dining restaurant in a listed building), our beloved council wants to hand the joystick jockies a willy-nilly permit to fly all through the night whenever they feel like it.

That nice Kiwi (another Thanet job for Thanet people!) Matt Clarke, who runs Chas 'n' Dave International, has already made a presentation to the Cecil Square duffers to the effect that the airport is losing money hand over fist, along with an unveiled threat that, 'without an increase in traffic', the airport will close and the 85 direct jobs created over the past ten years will go, and please sir can we have crappy old Jumbos spewing out noise and fumes at 4am? Now that position is being endorsed by the council's Head of Regeneration and Generally Buggering Things Up, Brian White.

Word on the street is that members of Her Majesty's Press will be attending tonight's bunfight, and that some very irate members of Her Majesty's Public will also be there. Should be a hoot!

Chas 'n' Dave International's plea for unrestricted night flights
Up shit creek in a barbed wire KIACC without a paddle

All Quiet On The Western Front

Just back from watching my old chum and our 5th Greatest Living Thanetian Tom Hanks in Angels and Demons at the Westwood Vue and phooey! I'm not sure which stunk most - the movie or the bloke's feet behind me.

I went with my new druid chums, of course. They really are a great craic, what with their jokes about metempsychosis and witty banter on the topic of human sacrifice. Whilst most of my weekend was taken up messing about with oak and mistletoe, I did find time to stroll down to the Western Undercliff here in the M's P, and wow what a difference! Here's what it looked like in March:

And here's what it looked like yesterday:

A clear view across Pegwell Bay, all the way to the majestic cooling towers of Richborough power station. All thanks to the new, super-duper yellow signs our beloved council has erected:

Although there was one miscreant who'd clearly realised the signs aren't on the other side of the road:

Still, hats off to the Gazunder for campaigning against the illegal parkers, and, er, two and a half cheers for Thanet Council for erecting the signage, albeit after three years of saying they'd do something.

I recall one foreign driver telling the paper that he had to pull up there 'because his taco had run out'. Well, he can now fill up on delicious bacon sarnies in the port cafe instead, eh! Geddit!!??!? Blimey, maybe it was my feet.

Blazing Margate

Nope, nothing to do with the weekend weather. While I've been off cavorting with my new druid chums, it appears half of Cliftonville has gone up in smoke. For those of you who are still unaware of the major fire in Northdown Road, you can catch up here, here, here, here, and here.

Inspector Knacker is said to be investigating. Not for nothing is it called the Arsonists' Playground!

Updates here and here. Anyone with any information should contact Margate police station on 01843 231055 or talk to one of the Cliftonville plastic bobbies as soon as possible.

East Of The Wantsum

I dunno! For the second time in five weeks, East of the Wantsum has gone west. So apologies if you shelled out 60p on the Gazunder today. Your money was wasted. Here's what you would have seen (click on image to enlarge) if the paper's lovely editrix, Rebecca, hadn't forgotten to put it in again. Kuh! You slave all day over a hot computer, type your knuckles to the bone...

At least Rebecca was kind enough to ask: 'How can I make it up to you?' However, my response that she could make it up by running a campaign to stop mad councillors fixing it for Infratil to fly knackered old 747s over my cliff top mansion all night long met with the kind of one word response Douglas Hogg has been palming journos off with recently when questioned about moat-related activities.

Ne'er mind. I've got a whole evening of nothing to look forward to. Here I am, over 18, bored, willing to help others... if only... but wait... what's this on page 19? It could be just the ticket...

Another Burn-Up In Margate

Given that the only things to have melted down in Margate over past year or so have been half a million quid's worth of fruit machines and the bolts on the listed Scenic Railway, it's good to see those hairy bikers at London's famous Ace Cafe putting their faith in a burn-up to the Arsonists' Playground this coming bank holiday Monday.

This'll be the second time they've made the run. Last year the Meltdown was a washout due to the traditional bank holiday blow, accompanied by horizontal rain, so let's hope Kaddy Tea-Pot and her cohorts can conjure up something a bit better this time.

The event was previewed in yesterday's Sadscene. Clearly the paper had its top motoring correspondent on the case, as we were treated to lines such as: 'Mark plans to ride a modern streetfighter-style Triumph Speed Triple with, unusually, three cylinders on the day.' Er, well, it's not that unusual for a triple to have three cylinders Eileen. The clue is in the word 'triple'. Unless Mark has converted it into a twin, but, very unusually, will be popping another pot on it for the day. Oh, and the photo, captioned: 'In 1964 bikers parked up in The Parade in Margate' features a Triumph Trident predominantly in the foreground. And as we all know, they didn't start making those until 1968.

Oh well, that's the motorcycle pedantry over with. I'll be there to welcome the visitors with a cheery smile and a can of chain lube. I'd advise our local biker-baiter blogger, Nervous of Margate, to make other arrangements for his bank holiday though. Perhaps a day out in Ramsgate would be the thing, eh Nervous?

Margate Meltdown on Ace Cafe website

Pubic Enemy Number One

Lunching with a member of Her Majesty's Press earlier, I was, er, treated to the following information concerning convicted Kentish kiddie-fiddler and former SlimFast advertiser Barry Bethel.

In search of some juicy local goss on the 66 year old, who was done last week for sexually assaulting a girl after promising to make her a star, the aforementioned hackette called a mate who had worked with Bethel at the now defunct Thanet Local Radio. 'Oh yes, I remember him,' reminisced the mate. 'He used to wear white trousers.'

'Were they tight?' inquired the newshound, scribbling on her jotter.

'Tight? You could see his pubes!' came the response.

Needless to say the state of Bethel's broccoli was subsequently deemed unfit for publication by the editor.

Beauty And The Beach...

...to quote the best line last night! In case you missed the Margate edition of The Apprentice, it's available on BBC iPlayer until 13 June. Just click on the link below.

Mr Eastcliff senior rang me after the show to add his two penn 'orth about rebranding the Arsonists' Playground. Despite being in his dotage (63), his chuckle balls are still pretty much intact. After all, we are talking about the man who compered Miss Blackpool 1974. Taking a broader approach he sagely opined: 'Rebranding Thanet's easy. All they need to do is rename Margate Ramsgate, Ramsgate Whitstable, and, er, leave Broadstairs as Broadstairs.' Wise words indeed, although I'm not sure what Canterbury City Council would have to say about that.

Meanwhile Blackpool has really been thinking outside the box, and has rebranded itself as French! (See link below.) Watch out for the lovely French lovely's line: 'Oui. 'Otpot'!

The Apprentice does Margate on BBC iPlayer
Torygraph plots Margate's tourism plot
Blackpool goes all garlicky

Ramsgate Restaurant Robbed

News just in! A substantial amount of cash was taken from a till at top Ramsgate restaurant Age & Sons yesterday - while the mayor and other civic dignitaries were handing over a cheque for the 2010 Ramsgate Arts Festival. The rotter or rotters took advantage of the ceremony in the upstairs restaurant to empty the till in the downstairs café.

It's not the first time thieves have struck at Age & Sons, which is on course to become the island's first Michelin star restaurant. Lovely co-owner Harriet tells me several tables and chairs have also legged it recently from outside the eatery. She adds: 'I went outside on one occasion and saw an elderly woman sitting at one of our tables. She wasn't a customer, so I assumed she was just having a rest. She was at least 70. Next thing I knew, she was scuttling off with a couple of our chairs.' Needless to say the dauntless Harriet dashed after the wizened old crone and, er, repossessed her property.

It makes you wonder whether the local pit bull tuggers really deserve to have their town improved by the influx of incomers who have fallen in love with the place, and are putting their hard-earned cash to work at making it all lovely. And, of course, most times Kent's finest are about as much use as tits on a bull when it comes to tracking down the offenders.

Still, word has it that the excellent Eddie Gilberts fishmongers on King Street are about to open a restaurant upstairs. EG, whose vehicles carry the hilarious warning: 'No scallops kept in van overnight', will be offering the finest fish and chips, along with more adventurous stuff like mussels and crabs. Yum!

Update: The police now have a man in custody and will hopefully be feeding him to his own dogs in the very near future.

Rave review in the Independent on Sunday: This Sunday's IoS (17 May) gave Age & Sons 17 out 20. Hurrah! The paper said: 'With the help of local fishmonger Eddie Gilbert's, (Toby) Leigh is putting on some of the best fish I have seen in years. A moist, fleshy tranche of wild turbot (£15), gently braised on the bone with brown shrimps, lemon and white wine – like potted shrimps as a sauce – is as thrilling as British fish gets.' Another triumph for Ramsgate! Click here to read full review.

Age & Sons
Ramsgate Arts Festival

Just A Spoonful Of Sugar

Back from my fishing trip, but to be honest all I caught was crabs. Still, I'm in time for the Margit episode of The Apprentice (9pm, BBC1). Hurrah!

Tonight the Sugar Babes are given the task of rebranding the Arsonists' Playground, as if you hadn't heard already. Here's what the blurb says:

They must use all of their creative and marketing skills to rebrand one of Britain's most enduring tourist attractions [Shurely shome mishtake? - Ed] - the seaside resort of Margate. Once a jewel of the Kent coast, Margate still has a faded [i.e. carbonised] grandeur, but it is up to the teams to bring a much-needed sparkle[r] for the 21st century.

The teams have just two days to produce an eye-catching series of posters and an information-packed leaflet that will attract new tourists to the town. They must then pitch their campaigns to tourism industry experts [None of them local, one assumes, as there aren't any] and to the residents and dignitaries of Margate.

Hmmm. It'll be interesting to see if the much-previewed idea of attracting the pink pound wins the day with Sralan and the 'dignitaries'. Or will they go for burning the place down and building a car park, like so many before them?

Sralan and the Sugar Babes on BBC1
Daily Mail goes for the 'gay hole' angle, natch

Update: Our local red-top, the Thanet Times, appears to have bust all embargoes and run the full story ahead of tonight's show, even revealing the identity of who's fired. Hmm, not sure the Beeb will be too happy about that. If you don't mind having your surprises spoilt, click here to read on.

Gone Fishing

Gone fishing. Back soon. Feel free to argue amongst yourselves for a bit.

More BS About Margate

I'm indebted to a comment from 'Turner Burner' for alerting me to the fact that the Arsonists' Playground was featured in yesterday's Times.

This latest coverage from a national newspaper follows the same, tired old format. And I have to say it makes my blood boil. For those of you unfamiliar with the grubby world of press and PR, here's the formula:

- Thanet Council's press office rings umpteen old hacks muttering mystical keywords like 'Turner', 'Emin', 'regeneration', 'Bilbao', 'St Ives' and now 'Sir Alan Sugar'.

- Eventually one of the old hacks, who can no longer sustain a career by recycling the three ideas they've ever had, thinks it might be nice to have a day at the seaside.

- Hack arrives at seaside and is, er, treated by the press office to lunch with Our Sandy at one of his mates' cafés.

- Hack is then given the two-minute tour of the hole where the Turner Centre will eventually be, and introduced to Derek Harding from the Margate Renewal Partnership for a chat about 'regeneration' and the £60m being spent. (By the way, is it just me who thinks that figure's been plucked out of the air?)

- Hack heads back off to town on the rattler, mashing together 500 words on his laptop from Sandy and Derek's quotes and a load of other old tosh culled from the internet, and arrives home in time for G&T's at his local. Job's a good 'un.

Now, having said that, Fiona Hamilton who wrote yesterday's effort appears to have taken a few minutes from her hectic schedule to do some original research - by walking along the seafront and up the high street. During her tour she spotted 'rundown shops, fast food outlets and derelict arcades' and Dreamland which 'closed after an arson attack' (forgive me, Fiona, but Jimmy Godden had already closed it way before the, er, unfortunate fire). Later in her piece she spots 'fast-food outlets, deserted arcades and sex shops' again, along with 'gangs of youths wandering the streets'. 'Local newspapers often carry reports on knife crimes and assaults,' she adds. Yes, Fiona, they do. But probably not as often as they do in that London.

Eventually Fiona stumbles upon one Maureen Collington, who has lived in Margate for more than 20 years, and describes the approach by the council as a disgrace. 'They’re wasting all this money on art and it’s not what people want. Margate is proper seaside. But they’ve let it die.'

And a young mother shopping in the high street tells her: 'That Turner centre - it’s the biggest load of f***ing rubbish that I’ve ever heard of. What a waste of money. Most of our 15-year-olds are illiterate, they couldn’t give a stuff about going to an art gallery.'

Which only goes to prove, a little original research can go a long, long way!

The Times goes to the seaside
The Apprentice does Margate

Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a politician who has recently been challenged for the leadership of my party. Wank. I give as good as I get, but this has happened on a number of occasions now and I'm flippin' cheesed off with it. Fuck tosser. Should I resign and retire to my yacht on the Med? S. (PS: The St Johns Wort you recommended for the Tourettes does not fuck seem to be working wank toss knackers. Pies.)

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me ol boots yer gob's looser than a feckin towel rack! I've got a scrotum of a feckin headache on me after all that shite. For feck's sake say some Hail Marys before I gnaw me own feckin leg off.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a politician who has just been involved in a challenge to my party's leadership. Surprisingly, however, despite being defeated I now find myself in an elevated position. I suspect this may be due to my undoubted intellectual ability, along with my native wit and charm. Whilst I have no desire to sound immodest, I do chair several international conferences and am no stranger to No. 10. I presume my political cohorts have spotted these innate qualities in me and am therefore, on reflection, not at all surprised that I now find myself in an elevated position. S (Dr).

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus feckin Christ will yer not be botherin me with yer feckin shite? God I'm surprised the way yer carryin yer head's not like a feckin melted wheelie bin!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I have just been elected the leader of my party. Should I celebrate with a new hair do? C.

Sister Assumpta writes: Sure you're a feckin eejit. Why would yer just be standin around with yer hand down yer kecks preenin yer clackers when you could be havin a good old pray? Now feck off before I get a pain in the flange!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.