Janet Sinks Her Teeth Into Thanet Earth

Lorks! I see my old chum Janet Street Porter has had a right go at Thanet Earth in today's Daily Wail. The begnashered one writes:

Last Saturday, I bought some tasty tomatoes in Tesco. On the packet it said they had been grown in Kent. I paid a visit to the 'farm' and discovered it was called Thanet Earth, situated on 220 acres of prime farmland overlooking the beautiful village of Minster and the beaches of Sandwich Bay.

There aren't any fields at Thanet Earth, just an enormous box, the largest greenhouse in the UK, the size of ten football pitches. The lights are on all night, and inside are growing millions and millions of tomatoes.

At the moment, the site is not complete - there are a handful of these enormous greenhouses growing strawberries, cucumbers, peppers, tomatoes and salad ingredients, but by this summer, there will be seven. It's larger than an airfield.

How on earth did Thanet Earth get past the local planners? Because they promised employment. For the sake of just 550 jobs, a piece of Kent the size of 80 football pitches has been obliterated by these monstrosities.

OK, they recycle their own water and are energy efficient, and my tomatoes only travelled ten miles, but they've been grown in an environment more like Mars than Margate, fed hydroponically with nutrient enriched water, under lights switched on and off by computer.

And as we now know, not even 550 Thanet jobs Janet! But Ms Street Porter, who lives up the road in Whitstable and has been spotted noshing in Ramsgate restaurants, is mainly exercised by the new Waitrose TV campaign starring Delia Smith and Bloomin' Hestenthal, whom she describes as the Eric and Ernie of TV cookery. I too have a beef about our local Waitrose. Arriving near to closing time the other day, I was confronted by this:

I duly did. And then the blasted thing shut! Kuh!

500 Local Jobs And A Visitor Centre? Oops!

Happy Paddy's Day! Er, that's actually got nothing to do with the next bit.

No, it's back to Thanet Earth with a bump. There's my old TV chum John Craven up there when he visited the 38m hectare greenhouse while it was under construction. Remember when this one slipped under the planning radar as an 'agricultural' (as opposed to industrial) development, we were promised 500 local jobs and a visitor centre? Well, as I exclusively revealed last week the visitor centre's on hold and the Ramsgate staffing agency detailed to hand out all those local jobs has shut.

Now intrepid yourfannitinnit reporter Tom Betts has followed up my scoop with a front page splash today on the types of people employed at the conservatory on the patio of the garden of England. And the best they could come up with? The majority of the 83 people working for the marketing department are British. Not Thanetian. British. Of the other 350 or so working there at any one time, it's a mix of Polish, Estonian, Hungarian, Latvian, Slovakian, Lithuanian, Nigerian, Dutch and British.

My point here is not to reignite the recent argy-bargy about foreign workers. Apart from the light pollution, some queries over the water table, the fact that none of their produce actually touches Thanet earth and, er, the light pollution, I'm actually rather in favour of the place. And despite describing their tomatoes as 'watery pip bags' a while back, I'm currently munching my way through a delicious pack of their 'sunstream' red 'uns. Good luck to the lads and lasses of whatever nationality who work there I say! As Thanet Earth point out: 'To clarify a frequent misunderstanding, we wish to make clear that it would be unlawful for any of the employer-companies at Thanet Earth to discriminate either positively or negatively on grounds of nationality, just as it would be unlawful for us to do so on grounds of race, gender, age, religion or belief, sexual orientation or disability.'

No, my argument is with our beloved council who, whenever someone applies for planning permission to dig up our lovely island soil to plonk a whopping great load of sheds on it, cry 'Jobs!' 'There are so many unemployed in Thanet,' they whine, 'that we should be bending over forwards to accommodate these nice people who are going to bring us all these lovely, lovely jobs'. Bull. It's a promise they simply can't make. Maybe some locals were employed fitting the office carpets. And some slum landlords will have rented out their hovels to the poor eastern European lads. A few shop keepers might benefit. But Thanet jobs for Thanet people? Pull the other one, it's got bell peppers on it!

Click here to read full story in yourfannitinnit

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

Noticing that Thanet ranks 50th out of 370 UK authorities on my iPhone's ASBOrometer, with 214 ASBOs issued and a moderate 26.4% level of anti-social behaviour, it got me wondering about some of our larger neighbours.

After all, getting an ASBO slapped on the meat cleaver wielding, crack crazed maniac next door is a piece of cake these days. But what about council sponsored developments such as Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport, China Gateway, the two huge offshore windfarms, and the Ike and Tina Turner Centre? Are they behaving like good neighbours?

To kick off this occasional series, I thought I'd take a timely a squiz at Thanet Earth. After all, the Beeb are running a controversial docco tonight about immigrant workers, and the more xenophobic Thanet blogs have frequently whined that this massive uPVC conservatory on the eastern edge of the patio of the garden of England only employs foreigners. Indeed, 500 jobs were promised when the project was announced back in 2007. But their recruitment agency, Kent Staff Services 2000 here on the East Cliff's Bellevue Road, seems permanently unstaffed whenever I walk past. And it doesn't exactly imbue confidence to find that, according to their website, they think they're on 'Belview' Road.

So as far as I can make out, none of Thanet's 4,372 unemployed are queuing up there.

We were also promised a visitor centre, but that hasn't materialised either. Thanet Earth's website says: 'We have planning permission for a visitor centre which is still very much at a drawing board stage.' They're not too keen on giving talks or tours to local schools and societies either: 'We very much regret that our capacity for evening talks in 2009 and 2010 has now been reached.' Donations to local charities and voluntary groups? Not a dickie bird.

Then there's the light pollution, very ably captured by this pic on Bertie Biggles' blog recently. What do they have to say about that? 'The two glasshouses which are scheduled to include artificial lights will not be lit until around midnight. In addition to this, those glasshouses are fitted with a system of electronically-controlled blinds which exist to trap the light inside. We have no desire to light up the night sky either! The blinds are designed to retain around 95% of our artificial light within the glasshouses.'

That's not the way it looks when you drive down the Thanet Way at night. The sky's lit up like a U2 concert! And what about the water they're using which doesn't find its way into our lovely aquifer?

So, Thanet Earth. Here's my Good Neighbour rating:

Economy: 2/5
Environment: 2/5
Community: 1/5
Overall: 1.6/5

You Say 'Tomato', I Say 'Watery Red Pip Bag'

Kicking back in the deluxe, ensuite Jacuzzi at lunchtime, the old shell-likes pricked up at the mention of Thanet Earth on Radio 4's You and Yours programme, so I turned up the B&O. Ordinarily the dulcet tones of the lovely Winifrid Robinson lull me into something of a slumber, but the discussion focussed on whether our very own watery toms factory was environmentally sound or not, and included an interview with TE boss Steve McVickers who described the site as an 'agro-industrial estate' (you're not wrong there, Steve!) and pretty much a power station with a bit of an old greenhouse attached.

The man from the Soil Association wasn't quite so keen. But, y'know, I've tasted the toms meself and they're really very good. And although I've never owned a pair of bamboo sandals in my life, it surely must be better for the environment than shipping veggies from southern Europe, or, heaven forbid, flying them in over our heads from Africa! Anyhow, take a listen and see what you think.

Click here to listen on BBC iPlayer (35 mins 22 secs in)

Tomato Catch-Up

I take it all back. Sitting here in one of Soho's finest edit facilities, slaving over my latest directorial masterpiece (Smell The Profit for the Polish Cheese Board), I ordered my usual lunch of tricolore salad from Ed the runner. Afterwards I commented how tasty his toms were.

'They're from your part of the world,' he replied. And sure enough, he whipped out the above packet from the kitchen area. I must say, every bite was like a little burst of Thanet sunshine exploding in the old Eastcliff bouche! Never again will I moan about 'watery toms' and 'battery-farmed vegetables'.

Still, I did make sure Ed had washed them throughly before preparing lunch. After all, you never know who might have picked them!

Thanet Earth Leaves Bad Taste In Mouth

This new G-Swiz I'm 'driving' isn't a patch on the old Toyota Priapus! It seems to spend most of its time plugged into the mains. Which is why I was forced to run the gauntlet of the Thanet Loop earlier on a trip to the quack.

Adhering to the half gallon of sticky stuff that some kind soul had redecorated the floor of the bus with was today's Daily Wail. Now ordinarily I wouldn't even use the thing to wipe the Eastcliff derriere, but a headline caught my eye: The Franken Veg Factory - UK Scientists Will Soon Be Artificially Growing Millions Of Lettuces That'll Never See The Sun, Rain Or Soil. A typically snappy Wail headline, as I'm sure you'll agree, but at least it wasn't the usual claim that monkey toenails are the new wonder cure for cancer, or that lip balm can give you Alzheimers.

Quick as a flash, the Eastcliff braincells pondered: 'I wonder if they're talking about those delicious, juicy toms and tasty green peppers from Thanet Earth that our local rags are constantly telling us about?' So I scraped the paper off the floor, and there among the talk of 'factory farms', 'nightmares' and 'grown in Rockwool' was, indeed, Thanet Earth! How dare they put the wind up us with their tales of 'huge mountains of almost-impossible-to-recycle waste', their 'massive drain... on local water resources' and their 'huge carbon footprints'. Kuh! Scaremongering Tory bastards!

Oh well, the quack says it should clear up if I keep applying the lip balm. If only I could remember where I put it. About half past one, seeing as you ask.

We've created a monster! in Daily Mail
Curry may fight dementia

Climate Chance

With yet another clear blue sky and brilliant sunshine over the old cliff top mansion, it's got me pondering the magnificent micro-climate we enjoy here in the tip of Kent.

After all, when Thanet Earth started growing tomatoes the size of footballs and cucumbers that would make a porn star green with envy, they said this was the only area in the UK with the right growing conditions for their exotic crops. Although the transport links and regeneration status also came into the equation. So why shouldn't our Mediterranean-style beaches attract carbon-anxious, pound-poor Brits this summer?

Yes, yes, I know we've been told the bucket and spade holiday is dead (©1970-2009 Thanet Council), but just take a look at the average summer sunshine figures from the Met Office for 1971-2000:

There we are, bathed in a bright band of orange, and I'm not talking about the rivers of piss running down Broadstairs high street on a Friday night! And our rainfall figures knock those West Country yokels into a cocked proverbial:

The more brown, the less rain. Or possibly the more barkers' nests. Any old how, proof positive that the Ile de Thanet is well on its way, climatewise at least, to becoming the new St Tropez. And with the Met Office saying today that this summer will be 'hot and dry', I for one predict cocktails by the pool all season!

More stats from the Met Office
Met Office forecasts 'hot and dry' summer this year

Ear Today, Gone Today

Curses! Those blighters at earBay have removed my £1m Van Gogh ear listing, saying it breaches their Human Body Parts and Remains policy! Their email explains:

You're not allowed to list live or dead people or human body parts on eBay. Examples of prohibited body parts include, but are not limited to, organs, bone, blood, waste, sperm and eggs. [Sounds like the full monty at the Beano Caff - Ed.]

Kuh! What a way to prevent someone from, er, 'scratching' a living eh? Oh well, if you still want to bid, you can always contact me direct at the email address in the sidebar on the right. Happy bidding!

Ear Piece

Holy Gogholes! I see today's Thanet Times has followed up my £1m earBay auction, calling me a 'cheeky prankster'. Now how on ear-th could they have got that idea (Geddit?!?!!!!?).

Actually it may yet be a case of 'friends, Ramsgatonians, countrymen - lend me your ears' as I've had more than 200 people looking into my ear so far. Messages of interest include:

Hi. It does look like a left ear which is a worry, as I think it is his right that was missing. I might bid anyway, but having bought Hitler's bollocks this year I am concerned that it is a kosher item to add to my collection. Please advise.

Is the ear past its sell by date? And is it waxed or unwaxed?

Hello, can you please provide an image of the Vincent letter/note accompanying this piece?

And, er...

nice try chief ive got sweaty bollocks an all. ten out of ten for tryin tho haha

So lop off your lugholes (alternatively I find Mr Porky a reasonable substitute) and get those millions pouring in for the Van Gogh Centre here in Thanet's premier town!

Click here to see Van Gogh's ear listed on eBay
Click here to read full story on Gazunder website

Going Environmental

A big, Dickie 'mwah' to all of you who've sent cards, bouquets and choccies to the old cliff top mansion during my recent infirmity. I can now assure all my fans that I'm on the mend, as evidenced by the fact that I've been sitting up and telling jokes to the nurses.

Unfortunately, though, I won't be well enough to attend tomorrow's open meeting hosted by the Campaign to Protect Rural England to discuss such threats to our Thanetian environment as RAF London Kent etc's Daft Bastard Plan, China Gateway, Thanet Earth Watery Tomato Factory and Phase 2 of the East Kent Access Road. The meeting kicks off at 7.30pm in St George's Hall in Broad Street and speakers will include Dr Caroline Lucas (Green MEP for the South East), John Stewart (Chair of AirportWatch) and Dr Hilary Newport (Director of CPRE Kent).

This meeting has already been heavily poo-pooed by a well known Tory, aviation-fuel-loving element of the Thanet blogosphere (can't think who I mean!). So it's got to be worth a look-in, surely?

Wind Farm In The Doldrums

I'm getting reports here in the big ECR newsroom suggesting that Thanet Offshore Wind, the company that's building the smaller of the two fart farms proposed in these parts, is putting everything on hold due to the credit crunch.

Just three weeks ago the Uranians trumpeted 'dozens of jobs' after TOW signed a lease on land and buildings in our lovely port here in the Millionaires' Playground. So far one job has been created. Now it seems the winds of change have blown a cold blast over the project's backers and frozen their assets!

Click here to read last month's story in Thanet Extra

Update: One bit of good news, though. I see Thanet Earth is recruiting! Click here to go to their website.

Media Goes Thanet Earth Crazy!

Not content with sending John Craven down here to the tip of Kent the other week, the BBC spent it's entire Breakfast programme over at the Monkton tomato factory this morning. And my old chum Chris Evans dedicated a spot to it on his afternoon show on Radio 2 yesterday.

That's in addition to puffs this week in the Guardian, the Daily Mail, the Torygraph and the Observer (which at least had the cajones to utter the words 'utterly tasteless, hydroponically grown tomatoes, identical uber-cucumbers and iceberg lettuce'). Wow! Some PR guy is really earning his fizz, if you catch my drift! Not much mention in any of them, though, that the produce will never actually touch the earth of Thanet as it will all be grown in a watery consommé of 'nutrients' a metre off the ground. Or that they'll be tapping our salt marshes to top up their H20 supply. But hey-ho. Mr Public Relations and Mr Entire Truth hardly ever share a table at the Ivy in my experience!

Click here for Thanet Earth story in the Guardian
Click here for Thanet Earth story in the Daily Mail
Click here for Thanet Earth story in the Telegraph
Click here for Thanet Earth story in the Observer
Click here for a less glowing critique of Thanet Earth

Greenhouse Effect

Good to see my old TV chum John Craven meandering around the Ile de Thanet on today's Countryfile on BBC1. He ended up at Thanet Earth, the new 28 squillion acre greenhouse that's being built out Manston way, which will have its own gas fired power station generating enough electricity for half the homes on the island. Apparently all Thanet Earth will use is the heat and CO2 generated to grow peppers, cucumbers and up to 2.5m tomatoes a week.

Given that they'll be employing 100s of locals, and knowing the Thanetian penchant for, er, getting something for nothing, it'll be interesting to see how much, um, 'wastage' they suffer. Still, look on the bright side. With all that fresh fruit and veg floating around the island we may well notice a reduction in the number of chip-munching lard arses wobbling up and down our high streets. That'll certainly be an improvement to our local environment!

Update: I found a detailed, critical assessment of Thanet Earth by somebody revelling in the name of 'Pete the Hat'. Click here to see it.

Click here to watch Thanet Countryfile on BBC iPlayer (until 8 June)