Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!
Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a politician who has recently been challenged for the leadership of my party. Wank. I give as good as I get, but this has happened on a number of occasions now and I'm flippin' cheesed off with it. Fuck tosser. Should I resign and retire to my yacht on the Med? S. (PS: The St Johns Wort you recommended for the Tourettes does not fuck seem to be working wank toss knackers. Pies.)
Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me ol boots yer gob's looser than a feckin towel rack! I've got a scrotum of a feckin headache on me after all that shite. For feck's sake say some Hail Marys before I gnaw me own feckin leg off.
Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a politician who has just been involved in a challenge to my party's leadership. Surprisingly, however, despite being defeated I now find myself in an elevated position. I suspect this may be due to my undoubted intellectual ability, along with my native wit and charm. Whilst I have no desire to sound immodest, I do chair several international conferences and am no stranger to No. 10. I presume my political cohorts have spotted these innate qualities in me and am therefore, on reflection, not at all surprised that I now find myself in an elevated position. S (Dr).
Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus feckin Christ will yer not be botherin me with yer feckin shite? God I'm surprised the way yer carryin yer head's not like a feckin melted wheelie bin!
Dear Sister Assumpta, I have just been elected the leader of my party. Should I celebrate with a new hair do? C.
Sister Assumpta writes: Sure you're a feckin eejit. Why would yer just be standin around with yer hand down yer kecks preenin yer clackers when you could be havin a good old pray? Now feck off before I get a pain in the flange!
That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.