This new G-Swiz I'm 'driving' isn't a patch on the old Toyota Priapus! It seems to spend most of its time plugged into the mains. Which is why I was forced to run the gauntlet of the Thanet Loop earlier on a trip to the quack.
Adhering to the half gallon of sticky stuff that some kind soul had redecorated the floor of the bus with was today's Daily Wail. Now ordinarily I wouldn't even use the thing to wipe the Eastcliff derriere, but a headline caught my eye: The Franken Veg Factory - UK Scientists Will Soon Be Artificially Growing Millions Of Lettuces That'll Never See The Sun, Rain Or Soil. A typically snappy Wail headline, as I'm sure you'll agree, but at least it wasn't the usual claim that monkey toenails are the new wonder cure for cancer, or that lip balm can give you Alzheimers.
Quick as a flash, the Eastcliff braincells pondered: 'I wonder if they're talking about those delicious, juicy toms and tasty green peppers from Thanet Earth that our local rags are constantly telling us about?' So I scraped the paper off the floor, and there among the talk of 'factory farms', 'nightmares' and 'grown in Rockwool' was, indeed, Thanet Earth! How dare they put the wind up us with their tales of 'huge mountains of almost-impossible-to-recycle waste', their 'massive drain... on local water resources' and their 'huge carbon footprints'. Kuh! Scaremongering Tory bastards!
Oh well, the quack says it should clear up if I keep applying the lip balm. If only I could remember where I put it. About half past one, seeing as you ask.
We've created a monster! in Daily Mail
Curry may fight dementia