Ask Colonel Bufton

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our Commander-in-Chief of all agony uncles, Colonel Bufton, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Colonel Bufton, I am a gay man living in a civil partnership. My partner and I are thinking of relocating to the Isle of Thanet, but we have heard that the area is a UKIP stronghold. Do you think we should reconsider? T.

Colonel Bufton writes: Oh do shut your bone box and give your bellows a rest, there's a good fellow. It's fart catchers like you who give the place a bad name, causing the Wantsum to fill up again an' all, what! Get a bit of dash-fire in your loins and find yourself a memsahib! What!

Dear Colonel Bufton, I am Bulgar woman please excuse bad English. I want field picking job in England and think to relocate with the Isle of Thanet. But I am hearing from friends that bad men who hate Europe come and spoil things with it. Do you think I reconsider? Ж.

Colonel Bufton writes: You are undoubtedly off your chump. We don't want sauceboxes like you here, what! Tell your chums in Bongo Bongo Land, or wherever it is you come from, that they are not welcome in Blighty! Now cut your stick, you snotter! What!

Dear Colonel Bufton, I am a thoroughly British gent who likes a pint and a ciggie. As the next step in my political career, I am thinking of relocating to the Isle of Thanet, but I have heard the area is a stronghold for the smelly socks brigade. Do you think I should reconsider? N.

Colonel Bufton writes: My dear chap, we would be absolutely delighted to see you here in Thanet, what! You sound like just the sort of decent cove we're looking for. I would be chuffed to buggery to welcome you into my home, as would Mrs Bufton, who has asked me to add that she would be privileged to let you take her up the smeller. Chin chin! What!

That's enough Colonel Bufton - Ed.

Ask Sister Assumpta - Ferrygate Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your public funding problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the Labour Leader of a local authority in Kent which has just lost £3.3m of our council taxpayers' money secretly betting on a bankrupt ferry firm. I am now having to cut public services drastically in order to make up the shortfall. Should I resign? C.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer a shower o'bastards an' make no mistake! I wouldn't ride yer fer practice! Jaysus, yer never saw a cow shit and didn't long fer a pancake! Now feck off before I feckin' reef yer, yer great toolin' gobshite!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the former Tory Leader of a local authority in Kent which has just lost £3.3m of our council taxpayers' money secretly betting on a bankrupt ferry firm. It was my administration which initially approved this risky action, resulting in drastic public service cuts in order to make up the shortfall. Should I resign? B.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer great hairy gimp! Why don't yer go and blow it out yer arse, yer givin' me the runs! Yer've got a neck like a camel jockey's bum, yer big suckie whacker! Now feck off, or I'll put yer up against the wall an' give yer a puck in the gob!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the Chief Executive and Chief Financial Officer of a local authority in Kent which has just lost £3.3m of our council taxpayers' money secretly betting on a bankrupt ferry firm. It was me that recommended this course of action to both the former Tory administration and the more recent Labour administration. I now regret this course of action, and am also deeply ashamed at failing in my duty of public care by continuing to authorise debt write-offs to this exorbitant and ludicrous amount. Things are now so bad that I am having to instigate drastic public service cuts and recoup the money by robbing Peter to pay Paul. I am so embarrassed and upset. Should I resign? S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me, yer've truly gone and put the kibosh on it, moochin' around fer money, yer mentaller! Yer've made such a feckin' bags of it, I'm surprised the taxpayers haven't eaten the head off yer! Sure, yer drawers are the size of Cork an' all! Go stuff a jammy rag up yer hole, yer thick manky gimp!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Ask Sister Assumpta - Banged Up Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your incarceration problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Phillip the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doin' bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 18 munfs in chokey. Is it true that I shood of told the carncil I loaned me mate the money fer the 'arse? S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer feckin' eejit, yer a cute hoor and no mistake! Yer made a terrible hames of running the feckin' council yer feckin' gobshite, so don't be giving me any of yer guff. Yer've made a holy show of yerself, so hump off before I give yer a puck in the gob!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Sandy the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doing bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 12 munfs in chokey. Is it true that me mate shood of told the carncil that 'e loaned me the money fer the 'arse? P.

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus! Feck yer, yer feckin' bollocks. If yer gonna do everything arseways, yer bound to make a bags of it, yer mentaller. Now shut yer cuntin' cakehole yer dry shite or I'll chuck a gollier at yer knackers!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the leader of the Conservative faction of a certain local authority in the South East of England. In the past few years my members have suffered a series of misfortunes, including convictions for misconduct in public office and drink-driving, police investigations over collusion with property developers, castigations over foul-mouthed and unseemly behaviour in public, allegations of falsifying records, absenteeism (Panama), homophobia and cat killing to name but a few. For the life of me, I can't understand why we are no longer in power. Is there anything we can do to make ourselves more popular? B.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me backwards through a threshin' machine, yer great arsin' tool! Yer goin' around like a constipated greyhound! Yer think yer the cat's pyjamas, but yer got a face like the the Earl of Hell's arse! Go lick it off a scabby leg!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Ask Sister Assumpta - Hung Parliament Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your election problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I went to a good school and university, and have always told everyone I would be Prime Minister one day. However, despite my wealthy friend Michael helping me win the most seats, I now find myself having to talk to some lefty oik before he will let me have the keys to No 10. This is becoming a nightmare. Please help! D.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feckin toffee-nosed twonk! Sure yer actin the cuntin maggot, with yer face like me uncle's barse! Just let him kick yer back doors in. Yer both feckin public school eejits, yer should be used to gettin yer old lad covered in bum juice. Now feck off yer clatty prick before I gnaw me flange off with boredom!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I went to quite a good school and an alright university, and have always told everyone that I would one day have a friend who was Prime Minister. Although I do not actually have many friends, one of them has asked me if I would help him form a government, but I am not sure he shares my commitment to fairness and electoral reform. What should I do? N.

Sister Assumpta writes: Holy Mother of God yer benjy feckstick! What a thick bogger cunt! Yer should be chubbed up that he's even lookin at a Bombay shitehawk like yerself! Yer should be smiling like a cat with a cream flavoured arsehole! Now feck off and do some old prayin to Mother Mary!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I, uh, went to a state school and a pisspoor university, but have somehow managed to become Prime Minister without ever being elected. I, uh, do not have any friends, and now some of the other boys are ganging up on me and trying to, uh, evict me from my house. Can you suggest any ways of stopping them? G.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck off yer feckin chancer, before I give yer a clatter in the jaw and a mug of warm badger's milk! Yer about as much use as a pencil in a cocktrough! Now go fish the cosbies out of yer Jap's eye, yer big dirty growler!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a businessman and am also a local Tory councillor, for which I receive almost £5,000 a year in expenses from the taxpayer. Unfortunately, due to the nature of my business, I spend the majority of my time in Panama. Should I do the decent thing by my constituents and step down? Or should I get a friend to sign me into meetings and continue to collect the dosh? S

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me! D'yer think I'm some cow with a box the size of a reasonably priced tent? Yer givin me an arse like the back of Batman's car with all that shite. For feck's sake yer clatty prick, say some Hail Marys before I gnaw me own rasher off.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I do run an aviashun bizness in the airea and I do do do do really do do do want to fly my ickle aerioplanes and evun sum of those really really big airoplains over Ramskate at 500 feet all nite with lots and lots of narnies on them. But some nasty boys have been saying they do not wont me to fly my airoplains and have been writtening things on the beach and I think they are very very nasty. M

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus Hermesetas Christ yer a feckstick and make no mistake! What a ball of crap! God yer've probably got an arse like a bag of rats! Now feck off and do some old prayin to Mother Mary!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a senior politician and have promised everybody in Ramsgate that they will get a shiny new ferry service. However, I am beginning to wonder whether I have not been hoodwinked by some dubious types. Should I resign? Dr (Really) S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Sure yer enough to give me a scaldy ring. Yer tugging at me fartstrings so much yer about to blow me hoop! Stop playin with yer lad and feck off!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a politician who has recently been challenged for the leadership of my party. Wank. I give as good as I get, but this has happened on a number of occasions now and I'm flippin' cheesed off with it. Fuck tosser. Should I resign and retire to my yacht on the Med? S. (PS: The St Johns Wort you recommended for the Tourettes does not fuck seem to be working wank toss knackers. Pies.)

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me ol boots yer gob's looser than a feckin towel rack! I've got a scrotum of a feckin headache on me after all that shite. For feck's sake say some Hail Marys before I gnaw me own feckin leg off.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a politician who has just been involved in a challenge to my party's leadership. Surprisingly, however, despite being defeated I now find myself in an elevated position. I suspect this may be due to my undoubted intellectual ability, along with my native wit and charm. Whilst I have no desire to sound immodest, I do chair several international conferences and am no stranger to No. 10. I presume my political cohorts have spotted these innate qualities in me and am therefore, on reflection, not at all surprised that I now find myself in an elevated position. S (Dr).

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus feckin Christ will yer not be botherin me with yer feckin shite? God I'm surprised the way yer carryin yer head's not like a feckin melted wheelie bin!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I have just been elected the leader of my party. Should I celebrate with a new hair do? C.

Sister Assumpta writes: Sure you're a feckin eejit. Why would yer just be standin around with yer hand down yer kecks preenin yer clackers when you could be havin a good old pray? Now feck off before I get a pain in the flange!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a politician who has recently acquired a number of big ticket items. Wank. Now people are saying they were presents from my developer chums. Fuck tosser. Should I give them back? S. (PS: The camomile tea you recommended for the Tourettes does not fuck seem to be working wank.)

Sister Assumpta writes: Sure yer a bit of a feckin chancer aren't yer? Stop actin the feckin maggot and get down on yer knees and pray for forgiveness yer arsehole.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a property developer with an important meeting to attend. Should I go in a suit or 'smart casual'? K.

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus feckin Christ will yer not be botherin me with yer feckin questions? God I've got a scaldy ring like the back of Batman's car after listenin to yer whinin! Now piss off yer Bombay shitehawk.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I have an important decision to make due to my political status. Should I defer it and hold out for a new Bentley? K.

Sister Assumpta writes: Sure you're a feckin eejit. Why would yer just be standin around with yer lad in yer hand when you could be havin a good old pray? Now feck off, yer pain in the Swiss!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our agony aunt, local nun Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a middle-aged businessman running a carpet shop. Since the economic downturn many of my fuck developer friends have stopped using my services. Tosser. What should I do? S. (PS: The Tourettes does not seem to be getting any wank better toss.)

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer an evil, evil man. Yer should pray to Our Lord for forgiveness yer pile of shite. Now get off with yer and sign up for the old Nat King. And don't be biting me bollix again!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am well known in the retail trade but some customers say I haven't been dealing with them fairly. Is there any way I can convince them of my good intentions? R.

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus Hermesetas Christ will yer not be bothering me with yer fecking troubles, yer pain in the hole! If yer come round here again I''ll give yer a savage kick up the arse yer eejit.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a prominent local politician in my twilight years. I try my best for the area but I have a reputation in some quarters for being arrogant and overbearing. Is there any way I can sort these bastards out? R.

Sister Assumpta writes: By Our Holy Mother, are yer not thinking these people could do with a decent slap? They're not worth the snot on yer hankie and so. Now piss off and say twelve Hail Marys yer fecker.

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our agony aunt, local nun Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a middle-aged man in a prominent position on the local council. I believe I may be suffering from Tourette's as every time I open my fucking mouth the most dreadful language comes out of it. Tosser. What should I do? S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer an evil, evil man. By all that's holy have yer not thought to wash yer filthy, dirty hole out with soap? I will pray for yer soul every night, yer evil little gobshite.

Dear Sister Assumpta, as a property developer with a large portfolio I am getting deeper and deeper into debt because of the current credit crunch. Should I set fire to some of my buildings and claim the insurance? J.

Sister Assumpta writes: Mother Mary and all the saints! Now why would yer be wanting to do that, yer fecking crapbag? Surely now yer could pay for some boss-eyed, crack-toking eejit to do it for yer? I will pray for Our Lord to intervene.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I run a local blog which campaigns against plans to build a Chinese business park on the island's water supply. Now people are calling me 'lacist'. Is this 'porritical collectness' gone mad? B.

Sister Assumpta writes: For the love of God, will yer not be using that kind of language with me young man? Now why don't yer stop acting the bollix and get a proper job, or I'll be after giving yer a slap.

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.