Hunsatisfactory Service

Well I finally arrived in Uherske Hradiste for the wedding. No thanks to Deutsche Bahn. Quite why I was persuaded to take the train, rather than my Lear jet, lord knows. Oh yes, that's right, I had to flog the Lear due to a temporary financial, er, hiccup.

Anyone who complains about the railways in Blighty should try German and Czech chuffers. Talk about ein koch-up! Wrong trains arriving at the right platform. Right trains arriving at the wrong platform. And my luxury compartment with ensuite for the Brussels-Berlin overnight didn't arrive at all! So I was accommodated in a wardrobe that would have made Tom Thumb claustrophobic. And instead of a shower and WC, there was a washbasin which would have given a finger bowl delusions of Olympic swimming pool grandeur. You'll be pleased to hear, though, that even given these restraints I did not resort to the English manner of relieving myself when nature called at 4am.

My previously shiny opinion of German railway efficiency must have been gleaned from documentaries about the pre-war period, when that twat with the toothbrush 'tache was in charge, and everything ran like clockwork. Not that the Czech railways are any better. Chock full, slow and filthy. Even their shiny, new, super-duper Italian Pendolinos were delivered with a software fault which means they have to stop at every other station for a CD upload. Not for nothing does Fiat stand for Fix It Again Tony.

Never mind, the hotel's very, um, hygienic...

And it's been snowing!

Eastcliff Goes East

Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) has invited me to his sister's wedding. She's getting hitched to a Czech chap, so I'm just about to board the Eurostar at St. Pancreas, then onto a sleeper in Brussels for the trip to Prahaha! Of course, I'll send you all a postcard. Pip pip!

Get Noticed!

Once again I'm indebted to regular contributor Mr X, this time for a snapshot of a notice he noticed.

Talking of noticing, am I the only one to have noticed that the 'temporary' fencing (948 days and counting) along our crumbling East Cliff has grown a bit recently? Is this what the Uranians mean by regeneration? I think we should be told!

Meanwhile a reader revelling in the moniker Oh Little Town of Birchington has sent me details of the new Ann Summers iGasm device, which plugs into your iPod and tickles your, er, fancy in time to the music. Apparently it's got iPod makers Apple all hot and steamy under their matching cuffs and collars. Ann Summers don't say whether it comes in multiple packs, but apparently it does carry a warning not to listen to Rimsky-Korsakov's Flight of the Bumblebee in the workplace or other public areas. Now that really would get you noticed!

Frustrated readers can click here for details of the iGasm.

Gazunder Goes Gaga - An Apology

It has been pointed out by m'learned friends that a previous post on this blog, entitled Gazunder Goes Gaga, may have contained one or two factual inaccuracies.

I am therefore happy to set the record straight, viz that the Isle of Thanet Gazunder is, in fact, one of the best newspapers money can buy, and that I was particular impressed by last week's new Blog of the Week column, penned by ace reporter Thom Morris, which exhibited impeccable taste by featuring one Eastcliff Richard in its debut outing.

I trust this apology, and the substantial cheque, will now bring this matter to a satisfactory conclusion for the parties concerned.

'Ello Me Old China

I see the President of France today signed £14.5bn worth of deals with the Chinese. So, have Thanet's illustrious leaders, who've also recently been in China, done as well? Here's an extract from Sandy's China Diary, which I found on a CD marked 'top secret' that TNT popped through the letterbox this morning:

Day 1: Lord luvva duck! Those tossers at BA lost my effing bag. F*cking tossers. 'Ad a couple of Axminster samples in it too. Tossers.
Day 2: Bleedin' 'ell. They served up snake liver last night. Tossers!
Day 3: One of their blokes woz in me face this morning. IN ME FACE! So I told him to eff off. F*cking tosser!

Speaking of China, don't forget you can catch the Terracotta Army exhibition at the British Museum until next April. Which gives me a perfect excuse to run my picture of reader Terracotta Glenn again!

When Is A Library Not A Library?

When it's a 'one stop shop', of course!

There appears to be a fierce debate going on in the pages of this blog (see comments under Gazunder Goes Gaga below) about whether our beloved council plan to use Ramsgate Library, which is currently being rebuilt after the 2004 fire, as a 'one stop shop' for council services and the like. Such plans are already well advanced for Margate Library.

Observer, generally one of our better informed local bloggers, has opined that such rumours are mere gossip and tittle-tattle, but I beg to differ. The following extract is from TDC's very own Corporate Plan 2007-11. Under Theme 6: Modern Council - What we will do they clearly state their intention to embed council services at some point during 2009-11 in the new Ramsgate Library:

Still, they're only catering to the market, I suppose. I gather student demand in Oxford recently led to the opening of a late night booze and kebab outlet in the Bodleian!

Regeneration In Action

At least the flowers are getting a lift over on Ramsgate's less salubrious West Cliff. About the only thing that has for years!

Gazunder Goes Gaga

Not so much 'Holy smoke!' as 'Holy sdffkjsd!' on page nine of today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder. With a number of pages suffering from a rather peculiar layout, and more gaps in the flannel panel than Margate seafront, it looks like the cracks are beginning to show following a recent exodus of hacks.

Come back Kathy, all is forgiven!

There's No Place Like Ramsgate

I've been discharged! Hurrah! And back here in the bosom of the old alma mater, I've been catching up with the latest goss!

My housekeeper says she got a bit of a fright the other evening. Walking down one of those grimy backstreets, she came across a posse of rozzers and firefighters. Apparently they were trying to persuade one of the local, er, characters not to continue with his threat of taking out the entire road by placing gas cylinders on a fire in his back yard. The chap was subsequently invited to help with inquiries, so to speak, but the local ball jugglers are now saying they can't prosecute him for this bonfire of the insanities because of an administrative cock-up. Typical.

Meanwhile my local MP, Dr Steve Ladysman, has copied me in on the letter he's sent to the Post Office™ protesting against the proposed closures in his Thanet South constituency. He's had 235 responses about Arsend, 84 regarding Woodnesnisenborough (wherever that is), 58 about Grange Road, and 150 protesting the demise of my own local branch, Mr Filthy Talk Talk's in Bellevue Road.

And finally, regular reader Millicent writes with a report of the recent meeting of the Ramsgate Society (eat your heart out Wossie!) during which a representative of our beloved council's parks department bemoaned increasing vandalism and a shrinking budget. He's only got 40 staff to look after the lot. And to think the area used to be famous for its flower beds and floral displays. Kuh!

Oh, and by the way, thanks to reader Bella for the above photo. If you'd like to visit this particular Ramsgate, pop along to Bluewater. You'll find it embedded in the floor just outside Currys apparently!

Le Ramsgate

As I lie here in the Barrymore Wing of the London Hospital for Comical Diseases, surrounded by cards and flowers from well wishers, I can barely wait for the stitches to come out so that I may return to my beloved Millionaires' Playground. The quack says the op went well, and that my ego has blanded. Apparently the only scars will be mental ones, so that's good.

In particular, I would like to thank regular reader Millicent, who has sent me this French brochure from 1934, advertising the 'charming town' of Ramsgate. If you want to test your GCSE French, just click on the picture to see a larger version.

From my limited linguistic abilities, I see that the town is described as 'very sympathetic towards foreigners'. Just try telling that to the Thanet Life squad!

Successful Operation

The following statement has been issued by Mr Richard Eastcliff's agent:

Mr Richard Eastcliff, the universally adored celebrity millionaire and entertainer, was today admitted to hospital to undergo an emergency procedure to remove a dangerously inflated ego. I can confirm that the operation was a success, and that Mr Eastcliff is now sitting up and joking with nurses. Further bulletins will be issued in due course.

Could Do With A Bit More Polish

Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) has been moonlighting. And I don't mean making money with the mastic.

Trawling through BoobTube earlier today, I came across a short commercial he's made for that new East European deli on the high street. It isn't one of his finest pieces of work, I'm afraid. Not so much an advert as a badvert. See what you think:

Media Fever

Yikes! Not only was it Thanet Night on Channel 4 yesterday, but today the BBC One O'Clock News was reporting live from Ramsgate's Royal Harbour. This time the story was about all the delicious cod our fisherfolk are having to dump back overboard because of EU quotas.

What with that and 57 crews parked over in Margate covering the nastiness there, our beloved council's much-vaunted Film Department must be clocking up overtime!

Bull Rushes

Holy Moses! I almost forgot to remind you that it's Thanet Night tonight on Channel 4!

It kicks off at 9pm with a repeat of the Time Team special on Pugin. That's followed by the premier of Margate blockbuster Exodus. With all the bad coverage the north side's been getting recently, this ripsnorter should help redress the balance. Michael Caine stars as the babe in the basket who's transported to the Arsonists' Playground, where he finds love (Angelina Jolie), and goes on to part the Thames Estuary and lead his chosen people to the promised land of Southend. On the way, several things burn down (natch), but it's OK because they talk to him! Unmissable!

Reader Round-Up

Reader Tina has kindly sent me this photo of a double rainbow she spotted over Preacher's Knob in Broadstairs at the weekend. I know I'm often less than complimentary about the Dickensians' Playground, but you have to admit it's got a certain quaint charm. And, um, emptiness.

And reader Christine writes:

Hi, just found your site by accident and got so engrossed that i have forgotten what i was looking for originally! (But then i do that in Tescos). I liked it - design, writing, style, content etc. but wondered why you do it? It must take ages.

Who are you?

Christine

Well, Christine, I'm flattered to be compared to Tescos, although Waitrose might have been a bit more appropriate. Why do I do it? Search me, guv. Who am I? I'm afraid that's a question only Dr Fraudstein, my celebrity psychiatrist, can answer.

Ramsgate For Sale, One Careful Owner

Chatting to some of the local millionaires over a glass of bubbly down on the Croisette last night, I learnt that the Royal Harbour's ancient dredger, Ramsgate, is up for sale. Apparently it's all part of Councillor Latchford's plan to bring in new, super-duper dredging arrangements and get rid of the sandy beach that appears in our harbour entrance every low tide.

I've dredged up this photo (geddit??!!!) of the old tub in happier times. So, now you can buy the whole of Ramsgate for £65,000! A snip, I'd say!

Beautiful South

I see the Uranians have selected the finalists for their Thanet Is Beautiful photo and video competition. Strangely, my film of Ramsgate's Oasis blight flights doesn't appear to have made the cut.

They've also cunningly split the Ramsgate vote by shortlisting two very similar photos of our Royal Harbour. So, what's the guessing Boredstares or Margate wins? Although with all the gruesomeness currently happening on the north side, it could do with whatever good publicity it can get, I suppose.

The shortlisted video's below if you want to sneak a peek. I'm not sure 'sneak' is the mot juste, as I can't recall the last time I watched a five minute film that felt more like five hours. Guys, take a tip from a professional - if you've only got five minutes, don't spend the first three blowing your own trumpet in the opening titles! Jeez!

See all the Thanet is Beautiful video entries on BoobTube
See the shortlist and vote
See what Thanet's really like on ECR TV

Dickie Dishes Out The Dosh

Thanks for all the comments yesterday. Although we only got a third of the way to the ton, it still added up to 32 quid for Children In Need. Plus I'm donating an extra fiver which I promised the control room lads and lasses for cutting to Sir T when the word 'wig' came up during the Radio 1 v Radio 2 Buzzcocks. All in all not a bad day's work!

Meanwhile I see children's cancer charity CLIC Sargent are abseiling down Ramsgate's West Cliff today. Well, with the lift permanently buggered, it's the only way to go!

Children In Need
CLIC Sargent Ramsgate Abseil

Charitable Comments

As I appear to have been overlooked by ITV's I'm A Non-Entity... yet again this year, I've decided to devote my showbiz talents to the Beeb's Children In Need instead. See if you can spot me lifting the lid on Wogan's wig later this evening.

And following the success of my Green Nose Day back in March, which raised 41 smackers for charity, I will also be donating a shiny new quid for every comment that appears on this post today. I'm aware that another Thanet blogger recently clocked up 63 comments, so let's see if we can make it a cool ton!

Isle Of Blogs

Richard Eastcliff, Thanet's foremost celebrity millionaire, wit, raconteur, bon viveur, philanthropist and all round Renaissance Man, regularly sticks his silicon finger into the island's electronic pudding. Here's his weekly guide to what's hot, and what's gone mouldy in the fridge.

Plum
Ramsgate's Zumiweb continues to tempt our taste buds with his assiette of seaside postcards. Could do with a bit more sauce, though.

Over in Margate, burger fan Bignews Tony has been treating us to a full fat menu of Westwood Chaos and wasted council tax. Do try the over-sea-salted video of last week's storm surge drowning the site for the new Turnip Confectionery.

Ramsgate biblio-bloke Michael Child's new blog serves up a stodgy diet of dry old books. But it has the rich, yeasty aroma of freshly baked Kentish Huffkins, so it gets my vote.

Duff
Thanet Life, run by Tory doctor/councillor Simon Moores, is sticking to the crime themed plat du jour, illiberally bathed in an immigration jus. Come on Doc, get busy with the garlic!

Mrs Tara Plumbing. You'd think a plumber's missus would be serving up some hot stuff, but this blog's lukewarm. Principally because it doesn't link to me. Come on Mrs TP, get cooking with gas!

Vince's Photos of Ramsgate Then and Now usually cooks up some tasty treats, but it's currently closed for refurbishment. Perhaps Vince, who also runs a splendid caves and tunnels blog, could lend a hand exhuming caff-crushing, car-crushing councillor Dave Green from under the patio. He hasn't been seen since September!

Catch up with the local news and gossip every day on www.eastcliffrichard.blogspot.com But then you should know that already, shouldn't you? Otherwise you wouldn't be here!

All Mod Cons

Augustus Pugin, Ramsgate's most illustrious architectural son, is featured all this week on Radio 4. God's Architect: Pugin and the Building of Romantic Britain by Rosemary Hill is currently Book of the Week, and it's just getting to the interesting stuff about the Millionaire's Playground.

Apparently our Puge was besotted with the place, and built what's described as the world's first 'modern home' here. The Grange, pictured above, was way ahead of its time, and boasted plasma tellies, Smeg appliances and a wet room.

Don't worry if you've not tuned in so far. You can listen to all five episodes, narrated by Haydn Gwynne, on the Radio 4 website for the next seven days. You'll just love the part where the plumbers arrive with the wrong Jacuzzi!

Pinafore Signal

I arrived back in the Millionaires' Playground rather late from the smoke last night, following somewhat heated negotiations over pulling off my Twankey at the Willesden Empire this year. So it was with some dismay that I discovered there wasn't a single parking space to be had on the entire East Cliff. Even the double yellows had been colonised.

Now I know it's become rather trendy and upwardly mobile around here, and that consequently parking is at a premium. But imagine my dismay when the penny finally dropped that it was the opening night of the Ramsgate Operatic Society's production of HMS Pinafore at our deluxe Granville Theatre and Cinem, and that an invitation to the East Cliff's most prominent celebrity (moi) had been, er, overlooked.

Oh well. I was never much of a fan of Gilbert O'Sullivan anyway.

Ramsgate Makes A Spectacle Of Itself

My new ophthamologist, Mr R. de Cock, has recommended these little beauties. Wire framed, too, so they're not so prone to spontaneous combustion as the plastic Ben Sherman Margates.

Casting the old glass eye around the doc's reception as I was waiting to see the great man, I spied a filing cabinet labelled 'R. de Cock Letters'. Now I know where all those spam emails promising me a 'lighthouse in an open sea' are coming from!

Yellow Streak

I've received an email from GOD. Well, that's how it's signed.

Actually it's from First Ramsgate Firster Gerry O'Donnell, who's rather worked up about the Eastcliff Residents' Association's objections to the new colour scheme he's implemented as part of his tenureship of Ronnie Corbett's teeny-tiny kiosk, here on the East Cliff. My photo shows the kiosk before it was, er, defaced. The white bit at the bottom is now a fetching shade of canary yellow. Gerry writes in his 'godcast':

It appears thousands of people have complained at this desecration. Though to date, none as yet, have been willing to put their names to these complaints. ERA it seems knows who they are and quite rightly refuses to tell O'Donnell, an ERA member, of them.

O'Donnell's excuse is that the kiosk is a holiday and visitor ice cream parlour and needs to 'attract' custom.

It is time this troublemaker was shown the door.

Come on Eastcliff Richard, you've got the rope, let's show this criminal what we think of him.

Late news. O'Donnell is planning to erect huge signs, forty feet high stating "Kiosk OPEN" to catch the passing landing aircraft.

He must be stopped. NOW-W-W-W-W-W

GOD

God desecrating his own works, eh? Now I wonder what the theologians would make of that!

Here's Johnny!

Holy tamoly! I see Jonathan Aitken, bog-eyed perjurer and disgraced former Tory MP for Thanet South, is to make a political comeback. Apparently he's going to be applying his sword of truth to the penal system on behalf of the blue rinsers. Why not go the whole hog and ship Jeffrey Archer and Cecil Parkinson back in?

Which reminds me of a story one of my old news chums told me once. He was covering a visit by the Mad Bat to the Welsh Valleys in the 80s, just after Cecil's philanderings had hit the papers. The usual SWP demonstrators were there, shouting their habitual 'Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Out! Out! Out!' which they alternated with 'Kinnock, Kinnock, Kinnock, In! In! In!' Then one bright spark hit upon a variation.

It wasn't long before the entire crowd, onlookers and journos included, were chanting: 'Cecil! Cecil! Cecil! In Out! In Out! In Out!'

Thanet Loopy

Remember my trip on the buses a couple of months ago? Reader Jane has written in to report a similar experience:

The other night I heard a commotion outside the house. When I looked out of my bedroom window, yet another Thanet Loop bus had got itself stuck up the back streets behind Victoria Parade. The problem seems to be temporary drivers seconded from other areas, who, not knowing Ramsgate, turn prematurely before Victoria Road. The sign on Victoria Parade is slightly misleading and if you didn't know the area you might think it points up D'Este Road.

I had plenty of time to get my camera, so appropriately enough I turned the photos into this loop. Now I know how my car got mysteriously damaged a few months ago!

Well Jane, I'm not sure if we can put all criminal damage in the area down to the Thanet Loop, but clearer signs might be a good idea. Turn very tight, please!

We've Been Framed

Word is they're showing a bit of a weepie tomorrow night at the East Cliff's luxurious Granville Theatre & Cinem.

Thanet Under Threat, billed as 'a new film about local people's concerns over the pace of development and excess building in this area' kicks off at 7.30pm, and will be followed by an open discussion. The director, Christine Tongue, says it's 'intended to raise development issues and open a wider discussion on what people actually want as opposed to what they seem to be having imposed on them'.

I'll be there, of course. Although as the intention is to film the discussion, I'll be wearing my habitual disguise of trilby, shades and false beard. I should blend in perfectly!

Storm Surge Hits Ramsgate

Lumme! These were the scenes a few minutes ago as the predicted storm surge/high tide combo hit the Millionaires' Playground. Must look out those green wellies! Yikes, there go the maroons for the lifeboat!

Blowing A Gale

Not a reference to the blustery nature of this evening's weather and the tidal surge that's expected to storm down the east coast of England overnight, but rather the unholy row that's been rumbling on over on One Voice in Thanet's blog.

One Voice made the, er, mistake of criticising the £134,308 worth of expenses that Sir Roger Wind, Tory MP for Thanet (Arsonists) clocked up last year, some of which went on employing Lady Rodge as his secretary.

Now let me make myself clear. It's far too late at night, and I'm far too sozzled, to wade into an argument which has so far generated 62 comments on OVIT's site. Except to say, of course, that I'm thoroughly jealous of all the attention. I will only add that Sir Rodgerem is a national Thanetian treasure, who has presided over more than 12 decades of year-on-year growth in his constituency. One has only to look at Margate, jewel in the Thanet crown, to understand the tireless work he has put into his constituency, and the fact that his dog has now won an award only goes to prove that he has the wellbeing of all, er, dogs at the centre of his warm, generous and munificent heart. We shall never see his like again (He's not actually dead - Ed.).

Pass the Krug, Elton!

Flying Tonite

Here's a little reminder, ahead of tonight's Eastcliff Residents' Association meeting with Matt Clarke, boss of RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport, of the effect the Oasis training flights are having on the Cannes of Kent.

I'll be there with my megaphone, but if you don't get a chance to come along and protest, do sign my Downing Street petition.

Spa A Thought

The results of my latest 7 day poll are in, and there's a pretty conclusive majority of you who'd like to see our crumbling West Cliff Hall transformed into a Victorian themed health spa. Here are the results:

Question: What would be the best use for Ramsgate's West Cliff Hall (formerly the Motor Museum)?

Victorian Health Spa: 45% (25 votes)
Community Centre: 34% (19 votes)
Wind Farm Visitor Centre: 10% (6 votes)
Building Material: 10% (6 votes)
Fish Restaurant: 7% (4 votes)
Luxury Flats: 1% (1 vote)

If you recall, the Victorian health spa is the brainchild of one of my readers, Sarah Benfield, who says she put a detailed business proposal before Thanet Council in September and has heard nothing since. Rumour is that the council would prefer a fish restaurant run by one of our local hostelry millionaires, or the ubiquitous luxury apartments.

Sarah writes: As of yet still no news from anyone.....will try one last round of letters and then step it up... I wont wait for ever.

Well Sarah, good luck with the project, and if you need a celebrity to cut the ribbon you know where to come. Just in case, I've taken the precaution of picking myself out a rather fetching little number:

See you at the spa!

Gerry/Builders

Cripes! I see local teeny-tiny council campaigner Gerry O'Ramsgate has waded into the murky waters of the Pleasurama Development (aka Royal Sands aka Titanic aka Elsbels Palace Hotel).

In a recent email to all our local councillors, he writes:

Don't forget that at the Eastcliff Resident's Association meeting where the developers (£££££££££) met the people (********) I extracted an undertaking from Chief Planning Officer Brian White (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that he would keep an eagle eye on the height of the development (??????????) and call a halt if the footings and the subsequent layers suggest the promised height is likely to be exceeded as we all know it will. Developers' measuring rulers and tapes come in Metric, Imperial and Fictional.

Go get 'em, Gerry!

Shelter Skelter

All the recent hard work on those shelters here on Ramsgate's swanky East Cliff seems to have been worth it, as these before and after pictures show:

West shelter, February 2007

West shelter, November 2007

East shelter, February 2007

East shelter, November 2007

Hats off to the Foreshores Department of our beloved local council!

Book Look

Cripes! This blog is fast turning into publishing news! Today's featured publication is by local photographic genius Daniel Bass. The 28-pager, entitled Peninsular Tales, is all about, er...

Well DJ hasn't actually told me what it's about, but I do know that you can buy it at Harbour Monkey in Margate, or the Lurcher Gallery in Boredstares. Price is, er, um, dunno that either. Perhaps if you're looking in, DJ, you could fill in some of the gaps? Anyway, it should make a great Christmas present for someone. Whatever it is.

And speaking of Daniels, news has finally leaked out that my old acting chum Daniel Craig, aka James Bond, was in Ramsgate over the summer, meeting up with the local RNLI chaps. I treated him to a champagne and oyster supper here at the cliff top mansion afterwards, and he admitted that he was stirred by the splendid work they do, and hadn't been at all shaken by the trip out on the lifeboat!

Those Were The Days

With the bingo gone, the amusement park gone, and now the cinema gone, time for a quick epitaph for Margate's Dreamland. And what better way to mourn its passing than with this splendid poster, sent in by regular reader Milllicent?

The poster's being offered as part of a set of ten via nostalgia mag Bygone Kent, whose editor Nick Evans has also just published a 160-page picture book about Broadstairs.

Just imagine - 3,000 catered for at one sitting! I mean, just how big a spotted dick does it take to serve 3,000?

Update: For those of you asking you can contact Bygone Kent at bygonekent@btinternet.com. The posters have been reproduced postcard size, and are £2.50.

Just A Minute

No time to hesitate, deviate or repeat as I'm just about to dash off to the UK's second oldest theatre and buy my ticket to watch the UK's oldest entertainer.

Yes, I'm talking about my very old chum indeed, Nicholas Parsons, who's appearing at the Theatre Royal Margate tomorrow night in his one man show. He only admits to being 79, but I happen to know he's got a few years on Brucie's wig (which will turn 80 in February), and rumour has it he got his first break in silent movies. Still he's not in bad, er, nick for his age.

I must pop backstage and congratulate him tomorrow night. I might also take the opportunity to tell him my gag about the two vicars who went commando at the village fete. He always loves that one!

Sofa, No Good

Ferry-Go-Round

I spotted one of our luxury Transeuropa ferries languishing out at sea yesterday afternoon. Normally the sharp bit at the front of this vessel would be pointing either 90 degrees to starboard (that's right to us landlubbers) from its current position, if it was heading for Belgium, or 90 degrees to port if it was heading into Port Ramsgate.

It seemed as if the captain had decided to take his passengers on a diversionary cruise to Boredstares. Why? Only he can answer that question. Meanwhile if any of you nautical types out there have an explanation, do leave a comment.

That's All Folks!

Margate's historic, Grade II listed Dreamland Cinema closes today with a showing at 8.30 this evening of, appropriately enough, Peter Sellers' 1957 comedy of cinematic errors The Smallest Show on Earth.

The management have blamed the closure on the council's decision to allow a new multiplex to open at Westwood Chaos. As my good friends at the Cinema Theatre Association told me:

Unfortunately, local councils give planning permission for multiplex cinemas which invariably spell a death knell for independent cinemas, particularly tottering ones such as the Dreamland.

This, you will remember, is the same council that has placed its bets on arts regen to rebuild Margate's fortunes. Hmm. So, bingo gone, amusement park gone, cinema gone, still no firm plans for the site. That's regeneration!

Dreamland story on BBC website

I've Got An Ology!

Yep. Thanks to an Established, Prestigious, Leading Institution, I can now add PhD to the already extensive collection of letters after my name. And all I had to do was send off a cheque!

Apparently I can now look forward to a prosperous future, money earning power and the Admiration of all, having obtained the degree I deserve based on my present knowledge and life experience (i.e by doing nothing at all except cough up the sponds). My degree shows exactly what I can really do (er...), and I will soon be getting the Job, Promotion, Business and Social Advancement I Desire.

So, with that in mind, I've renamed the old cliff top mansion The Ramsgate Institute of Coastscape Studies (RICS), with yours truly installed as the Professor of Seasideology. Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the offers roll in!