Randomoanium

You know me, I like a good moan. But the weather's been so clement recently that I've been mainly whipping out my old throbber and thrashing it about a bit!

That said, I have been taking the odd snap on the way, so perhaps there's something to complain about on my camera roll...

Here's the crane taking the strain at that new development down on Ramsgate front. You know, what's it called, Watery Voles I think. Anyhow, they seem to be progressing at a pace. Much faster than that lot at the Pleasurama site ever did!

In fact there's building work going on all over the Millionaires' Playground, with developers finding no end of things to convert into luxury apartments. Hurrah! Of course, to feed the building boom you need the raw materials, which is probably why the mountains of hard core and gravel at the Bretts depot down at the port is growing like topsy...

Off to soggy Sandwich after that, and - Holy Noahs! Just like Russell Crowe, they seem to be building an Ark...

Not surprising after the recent inundations down there. Actually it's a £22m flood defence scheme, which means the Quay car park will be mostly hors de combat until some time in 2015.

Whistable next, and I was glad I'd donned my Rolex Oyster (Whitstable Edition) for the annual Toy Run hog-out...

Then later that day, back in Ramsgate, I happened to be trundling past The Goose (The Sovereign in, er, old money) on Harbour Street, which has been tarted up by the new owners...

Let's hope they've paid particular attention to the nasty khazis in there, otherwise their golden egg may end up cooked!

So, um, not a lot to whinge about really. Oh, apart from my brief flirtation with the eastern tip of the island, where I encountered this monstrosity...

A house covered in some kind of puke-inducing pink cladding! It's the architectural equivalent of a spray tan, and, of course can only be in Broadstairs, which generally requires four inches of bronzer and a pair of gold-plated hair straighteners to look even vaguely presentable. No wonder it's known around these parts as 'Boredstares'! Huh!

Car Park Lark

As I'm currently 'off-territory' here in Bournemouth, I thought I'd go the whole hog and bring you an item about Broadstairs!

I'm indebted to the excellent Broadie magazine for this one - click on the pic to big it up. It's a press release from Isle Homes about the company's 'exciting new development' of 14 houses on the Vere Road car park site in the town. But, as the Broadie says, what about all the disruption during the build, which starts in the New Year and will continue until autumn 2014? Not to mention the future lack of parking facilities once 14 houses have been plonked there!

Oh well, at least Boredstares will get a new public toilet block out of it. And as for parking, well, I'm sure all those lovely summer visitors will be able to find plenty of spaces in the Millionaires' Playground, where our buildings seem to have turned into car parks over the years, rather than the other way round!

Update: Despite me being told at the time that this was an old story and a 'non-issue', it seems that it has subsequently (Jan 2014) exploded into a ball of angry, disgruntled fire that is threatening to engulf the whole of Boredstares in the flames of outrage and revolution! Well, sort of. Click here for more.

Broadstairs Or Bust

In case you missed Location, Location, Location's visit to Boredstares tonight, just click on my pic to go to Channel 4 On Demand, where you can have your fill of Phil and Kirstie, the Ant and Dec of estate agency. Except it's easier to tell them apart as one's bald and adenoidal, while the other's fat and female.

It was really only the dad of the house-hunting family who insisted that it was the Dickensians' Playground or nothing. Actually, he seemed far too gay to be a father of three, and all five of them seemed much more interesting than the usual tattooed, perma-tanned builders and builders' WAGs you see on the east side. So the fixation with Broadstairs was a bit of a mystery.

In the end, though, they settled on a five bed semi in Kingsgate. Until the gay dad pulled out on Phil at the very last moment. Thus, er, proving my point, methinks.

Broadstairs Population Jumps 8000%

Holy birth rates! According to the website True Knowledge (so it must be true then), the population of Boredstares has soared from 24,370 to 1,881,376 in the past year! That's almost twice the size of Birmingham!

No wonder the place is chocka locka with builders driving V8 Range Rovers, accompanied by the inevitable WAGs in bleached/straightened wigs. Mind you, that's nothing compared to Margate, which now apparently boasts 4,328,122 inhabitants.

Personally I think they may have got it a bit wrong. But if you look at a more, er, trustworthy source like Wolfram Alpha, you'll see that although Broadstairs and Ramsgate have remained roughly the same since the 2001 census at 23,283 and 38,624 respectively, Margate's population is in fact estimated to have boomed almost 50% from 40,386 to 60,134.

Talk about immigration! [No, let's not - Ed]

Council To Get A Tongue Lashing

I feel I've been rather remiss in not yet mentioning the phenomenal success of Boredstares film maker Christine Tongue's latest oeuvre, Thanet on Film. It's already had umpteen sell-out viewings at the teeny-tiny Palace (Windsor in old money) Cinema over in the Dickensians' Playground, and looks set to run longer than James Bond or the Carry Ons.

Now Christine is planning an 'emergency public meeting' in the New Year to raise awareness of the issues brought up by the film, viz that our septic isle was a lot more fancy-dancy before the rot set in with the creation of Thanet District Council, appropriately enough on April Fools' Day 1974.

Keep an eye on my What's On in Thanet guide in the sidebar on the right for details of upcoming screenings. In the meantime, Christine's sent me a set of snaps from the film which you may care to peruse...

This is Dreamland in the 1950s, before the rot set in and everything burnt to a crisp. I presume this is what the £4m 'heritage theme park' will look like.

Next, and here's the Cliftonville Lido when it was still filled with water, rather than concrete...

And ditto Ramsgate's Marina swimming pool...

Here's an ad for Miss Bullock's exercise classes. And what a fine example of the female form Miss Bullock is! Note that she's wearing a rudimentary bikini well pre-war, thus stuffing Johnny Frenchman's claim to have invented the garb!

Finally, here's what was a popular turn in the 1920s and 30s, Uncle Mack and His Minstrels. (Click here to watch archive footage.) Of all the seaside traditions we could bring back that might reinvigorate Fannit's fortunes, this, in my humble opinion, ain't one of them!

East Of The Wantsum

Here's this week's EotW (click on image to get the full picture). I must say, having ventured to Boredstares one night during the week it was absolutely heaving, and the atmosphere in Albion Street, which has been closed off to traffic during the evenings, was quite pleasantly jolly! Not much sign of, er, any folk music though. Maybe that's more of a daytime activity.

And sticking with the Dickensians, I must give a big 'Mwah!' to those chaps at the Broadie, a teeny-tiny magazine for a teeny-tiny town (distributed free to Victorian bathing suited householders, otherwise 40p from Victory News opposite the Lord Nelson). As you can see below, they've put me top of their list of 'Must see websites' in the latest edition, thus demonstrating that pockets of good taste exist even in the easternmost extremities of our septic isle!

Broadstairs Buggered By The Observer

Crikey! Tooling around Boredstares front earlier this afternoon in the blazing sunshine, it was hard to believe any of the thousands of visitors could be having a bad time. Or that anyone could contemplate moving Drunk Week to Quex Park.

However, wiffling through my copy of today's Observer I noted that one of their writers had indeed had a miserable time in the UK's second best seaside resort recently. Poor old Rachel Cooke had booked a holiday in the Dickensians' Playground, and found the entire experience less than satisfactory. Her first mistake was to check into the Albion Hotel, where she discovered:

On reception was a woman, hot and cross and sour. She did not use the word welcome, nor too many other words, come to that. She merely grabbed my credit card. The phone rang. 'Go away!' she said, furiously. When the ringing persisted, she told the person on the other end that she was 'too busy' to discuss room tariffs.

At £120 a night, this is not a cheap boarding house. But it felt cheap. It is a long time since I have heard the dull thump of scarily institutional-looking fire doors in a £120 a night establishment and even longer since I left such a place, as we did two days later, without anyone saying: 'How was your stay?' or even: 'Goodbye.'

Hmmm. Seems as though the Albion's recent facelift has done little more than push the prices up. I recall staying there a few years back, and a smaller, hotter, sweatier room you could not have wished for. Rachel goes on to berate the foodie scene in the town (and again I have to agree that a meal out in Broadstairs generally consists of a microwaved pasty accompanied by half a tin of warmed up peas).

Of course, the mistake Rachel made was going to Broadstairs and not Ramsgate. Here she could have enjoyed a Blue Flag beach (Viking Bay, as we all know, is more of a Poo Flag beach). She could have stayed in a quaint and characterful seafront hotel (Royal Harbour) overlooking our splendid harbour and marina, and dined in one of the best restaurants in Kent (Age & Sons), where the fish would have come straight from the sea via one of the finest fishmongers in the land (Eddie Gilbert)! But no. She had to go to Broadstairs! Kuh!

Click here to read what Rachel wrote in the Observer

Piss Poor Joke

Reader Samantha writes:

With ITV announcing annual losses today of more than £100m, I was wondering if anyone else had noticed the similarity between their latest station ident and Broadstairs high street after the revellers have departed on a Friday night? With Folk Week about to hit us, will ITV be urinating even more money up against Tesco's wall?

Broadstairs by day

Broadstairs by night

Broadstairs 'Scruffy' Says Times

I'm indebted to reader and former town crier Paul Conyers Silverthorn for pointing me in the direction of Saturday's Times, where there's a review of Boredstares which describes it as oozing 'scruffy charm'. Paul writes:

In The Times on Saturday 11 July a full page article entitled 'The great British weekend' featured Broadstairs and urged people to go. 'Britain is blessed with its beaches and a weekend in Broadstairs gives you the best that we have to offer.' Splendid stuff. An article very strongly in the town's favour. Elsewhere in the article, however, one or two interesting comments emerged: 'scruffy charm', 'down-at-heel but genteel', and 'kiss-me-quick air'.

I have been urging TDC to freshen up Broadstairs for years. Perhaps now something might be done. I am very proud of Broadstairs and all positive press mentions feed that pride. However, I don't see how TDC and Broadstairs and St Peter's Town Council can ignore these stated shortcomings any longer. I thank the Times for such a supportive article. I thank them also for expressing what is blatantly obvious with a public voice.

We who love Broadstairs call for action on railings, on pavement, on the neglected spots on the undercliff, on litter. Let's make Broadstairs a much sought after holiday destination without the shabbiness. Pile on the pressure.

Well, whilst I applaud your pride in your town Paul, I must say there are shabbier and scruffier places on the island than Broadstairs. Try living with an arsonised eyesore on your front for a decade, or a derelict pavilion or concert hall. Personally I'd say the Dickensians have had it pretty good, probably because so many Tory councillors abide there and have left it unsullied. I seem to recall it was only a few years ago that the whole of the top prom was spruced up. And the Millennium lift was only installed, er, I'm guessing, nine years ago.

The Times mentions the lift: 'Almost my favourite thing is the ancient lift that whirrs you effortlessly up inside the cliff when the call to put your feet up becomes too much to resist.' Hang on! 'Inside the cliff?' Ah, well that explains it. She's only gone and muddled it up with Hastings!

Right, talking of shabby chic, I'm off to watch the Hotel Inspector do the Walpole Bay on Five!

Read the whole shabby article in the Times
Click here to watch Walpole Bay Hotel inspected on Demand Five

A Pound For Your Thoughts

It's not often I grace the teeny-tiny streets of Boredstares with my presence, dear reader, and then it's usually under the cover of darkness. After all, I wouldn't want to be mobbed by the paps!

So forgive the gloominess of the above sepiatone, but it's there to illustrate that the Range Rover-loving Boredstarians now have their very own [trumpet fanfare] - pound shop! I must say it's furnished me with a delightful feeling of schadenfreude to know that the Dickensoned Dickensians can now step out of their tanning shops and binge on 3kg of sticky crap for a oncer, or cop a handy four gross of clothes pegs for a sov. When Iceland opens up in the former Woollies this autumn, it'll complete the town's transformation from picturesque, Devon style quaintness to all-out Isle of Sheppey chaverama!

But wait! Perchance I spoke too soon! This is 'PoundPlus'! And a quick call to my spies on the east side has confirmed that everything in the shop costs a pound or more! Kuh, typical! I suspect it won't be long before the canny traders of Cliftonville latch onto the scam and start opening PennyPlus stores!

Narrowstairs

Having only recently made the Dickensians' teeny-tiny streets even teenier and tinier, from tomorrow Kent Highways will again be narrowing the arteries of Broadstairs, presumably in an attempt to ensure that nothing wider than Victoria Beckham can get through the town.

A year ago they put two proposals forward for public consultation, both of which were rejected. My spies with the curly moustaches and Victorian bathing costumes tell me that Kent County Council feel there were 'elements' of both proposals which 'some' people wanted, so that's what they're going to get. Even though the majority didn't particularly want any of it. Ah... Kentish democracy in action!

By tilting the old Eastcliff cranium 90 degrees, I was able to establish that the roadworks will be ongoing for xx 4 weeks. Just in time to bugger up Easter then! And if the time it took to improve Margate's Lower High Street is anything to go by, I should imagine it'll be buggering up Easter 2010 too!

Broadstairs Goes To Iceland

Chips cheap as, er, chips store Iceland has bought up the former Woolies in Boredstares High Street, according to the BBC. How refreshing that the Dickensians should at last be getting a taste of the kind of elegant, quality shopping we enjoy here in the Millionaires' Playground. I feel certain Kerry Katona (for it is she who puts the 'elan' in 'Iceland') will fit in with the Blue Rinsers and old duffers just fine!

Click here for full story on BBC News website

Vets Needed In Broadstairs

The Dickensians are renowned for keeping themselves to themselves, so it was only a matter of time before somebody came up with the bright idea of publishing a magazine 'for Broadstairs, by Broadstairs'. The Broadie is an amusing little number, kind of like a print version of this blog, but nowhere near as good of course. I guess it enables the inhabitants of Thanet's sleepiest town to go on pretending they have nothing to do with the rest of the island, and that they are in fact located somewhere in Dorset.

Anyhoo, David Chamberlain, who writes for The Broadie, has sent the following appeal to Thanet's premier blog:

I have been asked to write a one off article for the November edition, Armistice Day. My brief is to interview three ex:service people of Army, Airforce & Navy and I thought I might add a slight spin and seek veterans from Korea or the Malaysian Emergency, Northern Ireland, Suez, Falklands War, Berlin Airlift, Aden, Gulf War 1 or 2, [Iraq] or Afghanistan as a lot has been written about vet's of WW1 & WW2 (not that I suppose there are any WW1 vets alive in Thanet). The persons interviewed need to be resident of Broadstairs. I will consider vet's of WW2 but maybe place only one in the article so the others get a look too if there are any there. I'd also like to interview a woman who served in one of them three services during any of the hostilities about her experiences. I can't offer any payment but maybe a bottle of something may help oil the vocal chords. Anyone? (P/s Merchant Navy too).

So, if anyone out there's got a tale of derring-do (or even of peeling spuds), do email David at david.chamberlain@rocketmail.com

Life's A Beach

I see the Dickensians over in Boredstares are getting uppity over the amount of litter that was left on their beach after last week's sweltering weekend. According to the front page of today's Gazunder more than 100 bottles, empty drink cans and dirty nappies (eeurgh!) were left strewn across the sands in Viking Bay.

However, here in the Millionaires' Playground we get a better class of visitor. Here's what I found on a recent stroll along the strand:

1. Fortnum's picnic hamper
2. Copy of Country Life
3. Seven bottles of Dom Perignon
4. Five bottles of Krug
5. Apple iPhone
6. Two jars of Gentleman's Relish
7. Pair of Prada sunglasses
8. Chemical toilet from Sunseeker Portofino 35
9. Porsche Cayenne (minus wheels)
10. Bentley Continental (burnt out)

As you can see, you don't just get any old rubbish in Ramsgate!

Ramsgate The 'Capital Of Thanet' Says Guide

The new Roughing It Guide to England describes Ramsgate as 'the capital of Thanet' and 'a handsome resort'. The guide contains:

If Thanet had a capital, it would be RAMSGATE, a handsome resort, rich in robust Victorian red-brick. Most of the town is set high on a cliff linked to the seafront and harbour by broad, sweeping ramps, with the villas on the seaward side displaying wrought-iron verandas and bricked-in windows – a legacy of the tax on glazed windows. A large-scale regeneration project in the harbour and along the seafront is breathing some new life into the area.

It labels the Maritime Museum as a good point so why the blooding council want to close it, I ask? Also, with this high tourism praise, why also the blooding council:

- Fly lumping great planes over?
- Not dredging of the harbour?
- Allowing Grade II listed buildings being liquidised?
- Letting of the Pavilion and other lovely buildings into crumbs?

Boredstares also allows a fridge magnet in the guide saying: 'BROADSTAIRS is the smallest, quietest and, undoubtedly, the most pleasant of Thanet's resort towns.' Margate is not getting a mentioning ha ha.

Knock here to see Ramsgate in new Roughing It Guide To England
Knock here to see Broadstairs in new Roughing It Guide To England

Self Abuse

I'm indebted to one of my readers who's pointed me in the direction of today's Independent, where snobby Will Self has written a rather hoity-toity item about the Ile de Thanet. Self describes Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula as 'the very coccyx of Britain, with its seafowl and its foul maidens.' Writing about Boredstares, he continues:

Seldom has anywhere more gentrified become more chavvy. What, I wonder, would (Dickens) make of the town now, perfused as it is with tracksuited, gel-haired denizens of Margate and Ramsgate? Indeed, the whole of this coast feels like some suburb of outer East London, so full is it of the sights and noises of the busy world... The sandy bay that is the town's focus remains, girded by white cliffs of chalk and terraced houses, complete with micro-interwar pleasure gardens and a lift down to the beach that looks like an off-whitewashed crematorium chimney.

Hmm. Not a fan then, Will? Maybe you and Sir Bob should get together!

Click here to read Will Self's article in the Independent

Broadstairs: 'Perfused with tracksuits'

Broadstairs Can Only Go One Way

Not content with making their teeny-tiny roads ever narrower, the Dickensians now look set to introduce more bottlenecks in Boredstares. According to the BBC News website, the latest plans from Kent Highways include speed cushions, pedestrian crossings and a one-way system in the lower High Street.

Why not go the whole hog and bypass the town entirely? I'm sure they could build a new road through Stalag Culmers Land at very little cost, apart from a few veggies and, of course, the newly installed TDC palisade fencing. That way the old codgers and Crouch Enders could enjoy their seaside idyll in peace!

Click here for full story on BBC News website

The Naked Truth

Crikey! I see Thanet Council may give the green light for nudists to cavort in Pegwell Bay!

The bay, which is a Site of Special Scientific Interest, has already been dogged by dogging and deluged by dead starfish. According to top Thanet nudie Peter Checksfield, the council has now offered it as a special spot for those with no clothes. The naturists normally enjoy letting it all hang out at Botany Bay, near Kingsgate, but have been told that's, er, not on.

Well, earlier today I stopped Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) in the middle of masticating the upstairs shower room and sent him out in his best birthday suit to see if he could come up with any alternatives. The result? Broadstairs... of course. And it seems he made a friend!

Degeneration

As if to prove the old GSOH has been running in the family for decades, Eastcliff Senior spotted this on our luncheon outing to Boredstares today, muttering something about sheltered accommodation for the elderly. No wonder he was voted TV Times 'Best Newcomer of the Year' 1978!

Give My Regards To Broadstairs

Just back from a night of carousing with my Dickensian chums in Boredstares. Actually the place seemed eerily quiet, with landlords complaining that business had slumped. Still, I only had to tiptoe past a couple of rivulets of urine rather than the usual torrent that gushes down the high street at the witching hour, so every cloud has a silver lining.

Looking up from my pint of Masterspew (I've yet to find an establishment that stocks the Gaddfather's finest over there), I spotted a familiar face. None other than my old showbiz chum Simon, er... Simon... of Trevor and Simon fame! Or, er, it might have been Trevor, I could never really distinguish between the two. Trevor and Simon were, of course, the comedy duo on the BBC's Saturday morning kids show Going Live! Sort of the Ant and Dec of the 90s. Except that Ant and Dec were the Ant and Dec of the 90s. And the 00s come to think of it.

Sadly I haven't seen much of Trevor and/or Simon on the old idiot lantern recently. Perhaps, like me, his and/or his career is suffering from the Thanet Effect. Although not a day goes by without me bumping into Timothy Spall trundling around our Royal Harbour, and he's in everything. There's hope yet!