Ramsgate For A Tenner!

Hurrah! At last the iniquity of hipsters from the smog paying only a tenner for a trip to Margate, whilst being charged full whack to enjoy the delights of the sunnier south side of the Ile de Thanet, has been ended by Southeastern Trains!

So if any of you groovy Hoxtonites are planning to spend the upcoming bank holiday weekend in the Millionaires' Playground, you'll now have enough change left to buy a decent lunch at one of our fine dining destinations, and still have some left over for a deposit on a house! Plus you can experience the delights of being whizzed down here in just over an hour from St Pancras, in the heart of North Londonshire, on the superduper high speed trains!

Boredstares has also been included in the bank holiday bonanza, but frankly most of the shops there are boarded up these days, so best give that a miss. And quite why us Thanetians still have to pay the best part of a bullseye for the privilege of quick escape out of here is beyond me.

Update: What Southeastern don't tell you, of course, is that you can only buy a day return for a tenner. And the offer is only valid until the 26th of May. Kuh!

Click here for more details of Southeastern £10 tickets.

The Smell Of Margate

In Memoriam
Ronnie Biggs
Former Great Train Robber and Small Time Crook

So, farewell
Then Ronnie Biggs.

'I do not intend
To return to England.'
That was
Your catchphrase.
And 'I miss the smell of Margate.'

Keith's Dad says he had dinner
With you in Rio once.

And that you were
Let out of Belmarsh
Five years ago
Because you were
At death's door.

Sad to say
The Grim Reaper
Has finally nabbed you.
And Margate
Doesn't quite smell
The same either.

E. C. Richard (29)

Ramsgate Off The Rails?

Cripes! I see there's yet more froth in the local rags this week about a putative 'Manston Parkway' station, and the upgrade of HS1 for the whisking of Londoners thereto.

Quite why Manston needs a 'Parkway', when there's already a perfectly good station just up the road at Ramsgate, lord alone knows. But supporters like Thanet North MP Sir Roger Wind guff on about it deliriously, as if it's the perfect panacea for our lacklustre landing strip.

A bunch of developers are now trumpeting it as 'the key to cutting journey times to and from London - making it (their development) more attractive to investors'. Cogent Land, who are proposing 800 homes on a 112 acre site east of the airport that they've dubbed 'Manston Green', say locating the station within their development would provide an 'important transport link to Westwood Cross, Manston Business Park and Discovery Park'.

This all might be a bit of a surprise to Ruddy-Faced Man and his cohorts at Kent County Council, who have proselytised a Cliffsend location for the 'Parkway'. A recent FOI request brought forth this curt response from the mandarins at Maidstone:

'Kent County Council (KCC) has not had contact with Cogent Land LLP regarding Thanet Parkway Station. The current stage of the development plan for the station is that the business case is being refreshed for the site that KCC originally identified for the station to the west of Cliffs End, while a watching brief is being kept over the Manston Green proposals.

In the event that a new station demonstrates a robust business case then KCC will follow the correct planning procedures in pursuing a planning application. To date, KCC Planning Applications Group has not been involved in this matter.'

Mind you, that's from the people who built you a whole load of traffic calming measures in Cliffsend, then unbuilt them a year later. So I suppose anything is possible.

Meanwhile a reader emails to say that the high speed trains are being discounted to 'all sorts of locations, including Margate and Broadstairs, but not Ramsgate'. She continues: 'Ramsgate has beautiful sandy beaches, a gorgeous Smeaton harbour, fabulous Georgian architecture and is 1hr 15mins from London. It knocks the socks off Whitstable and Deal in terms of beauty. How could anyone screw this up? Well 'they' have. And they continue to do so. We are now 3 places ahead of Margate on the deprivation index. How long before we are top? We need to fight.'

Looks like KCC and the Moonshine Band are already preparing us for the closure of Ramsgate Station, if you ask me!

Finally, talking of letting the train take the strain, reader Mike has emailed me a photo of what must certainly be the winning answer to putting off all those pesky trick-or-treaters on Halloween.

The Train Now Standing At Platform Two Is 83 Years Late

Talk about sleepers! Reader Chris has sent me this screen shot of Southeastern's website which he took whilst attempting to check the time of his train this morning. A closer inspection reveals this:

Either there's something about the Pleasurama aka Royal Sands aka Titanic development that they're not telling us, or they haven't updated their website since 1926, when the Ramsgate Harbour station, which stood on the Pleasurama site before it was Pleasurama, closed. Perhaps, like in Back to the Future III, they're stoking up their steam engine to break the 88mph time-travelling barrier as we speak!

No need though, because today was the first day of full service on the new high speed chuffers which will whisk you from the Millionaires' Playground to St Pancreas in the heart of norf London media luvviland at eyeball-rattling speeds of 1,ooo,ooo mph plus. Another Ramsgate reader who's using the service to commute each day writes:

With the start of the full service this morning Shepway Council were at St Pancras bright and early with a stand showing house prices in the area, their sh*tty harbour, and trumpeting the fact that they are 40 minutes closer than they were last week.

Contrast that with the Thanet Reich in Cecil Square, who have done, er, sweet football association to advertise our new proximity to the metropolis, or encourage investment on the back of the new high speed rail link, despite a commitment to do so in their 'Corporate Plan' (aka Sandy's scribblings after a day spent gluing carpet tiles). Apart, that is, from some muttering about a 'Manston Parkway station' which would have the effect of slowing the journey down again, or of making us millionaires sit in traffic jams as we drive out to a £1bn station built for the benefit of 10,000 air passengers a year. Talk about duffers!

Click here to relocate to Shepway (Folkestone in old money)
Click here for Southeastern timetable
Click here for more info about the high speed trains

Fast Train Arrives At Ramsgate Three Months Early

Oops! Wrong picture.

Nope. That's not it either.

Aha! That's the one! Now, where was I? Ah, yes... hurrah! Ramsgate is to get the new super-duper, 800mph trains that will whisk us well-heeled DFLs to and from the Millionaires' Playground in under 15 minutes from the start of next month. That's three months early!

The limited 'preview' service is in preparation for the real deal in December, when comfortable, half hourly supertrains will glide you into the magnificently restored St Pancras station, a mere hop, skip and jump from the heart of North London's media luvvyland (and my London bolthole most importantly).

Of course, one or two wizened Tory duffers on the north of the island with a regular need to go and fill in their expenses forms at Westminster or bladder themselves up at the annual old farts reunion will bemoan the fact that the service doesn't pull into shabby Victoria. But hey ho, they'll be dead soon so who cares? Besides it's only five stops on the underground from St Pancreas anyway. If they can last that long without a lavatory, that is.

Meanwhile, just to rub it in, here's one station the preview service won't be stopping at!

The Train Corridors Of Power

Photo: Michael's Bookshop

Regular contributor Mr Dickens of Broadstairs writes:

Good morning Dick,

Mrs Dickens of Broadstairs was taking the kids to London for a day trip this morning via Broadstairs station. Who should get on at Margate but Minister for Transport Lord Adonis, who is on a five day journey on the railways to experience travel from the punters' perspective.

His first unpleasant experience, familiar to us all, was being approached by an old nutter who started jabbering on to him about Manston airport. No problem with flights, planes come in over the sea, very little housing blighted etc. The old gipper carried on in this vein, saying that South Eastern railways were reluctant to put in a gateway station from Manston because of their franchise being rather short etc. The earbending continued until the geezer got off at Faversham (probably worried about ticket inspectors) and his Lordship could finally enjoy his latte in peace.

Fortunately the wizened earbender gave away his identity by leaving behind his rolled up copy of Sporting Life with 'R Gale' scrawled in the top left hand corner. I thought they had a large building in London where this sort of thing gets discussed, not a public carriage for all to hear. Perhaps the signs saying 'No personal stereos', 'No feet on the seats' etc could also have an extra line, viz: 'No boomy-voiced local MPs pushing Manston'.

Your rail correspondent, The Fat Controller

Well Mr D of B, it seems Lord Absolutely-Gorgeous had his lughole well and truly chewed off there by Sir Rodge. Shame most of it was probably twaddle!

Lord lords it on the trains in The Times

Hunsatisfactory Service

Well I finally arrived in Uherske Hradiste for the wedding. No thanks to Deutsche Bahn. Quite why I was persuaded to take the train, rather than my Lear jet, lord knows. Oh yes, that's right, I had to flog the Lear due to a temporary financial, er, hiccup.

Anyone who complains about the railways in Blighty should try German and Czech chuffers. Talk about ein koch-up! Wrong trains arriving at the right platform. Right trains arriving at the wrong platform. And my luxury compartment with ensuite for the Brussels-Berlin overnight didn't arrive at all! So I was accommodated in a wardrobe that would have made Tom Thumb claustrophobic. And instead of a shower and WC, there was a washbasin which would have given a finger bowl delusions of Olympic swimming pool grandeur. You'll be pleased to hear, though, that even given these restraints I did not resort to the English manner of relieving myself when nature called at 4am.

My previously shiny opinion of German railway efficiency must have been gleaned from documentaries about the pre-war period, when that twat with the toothbrush 'tache was in charge, and everything ran like clockwork. Not that the Czech railways are any better. Chock full, slow and filthy. Even their shiny, new, super-duper Italian Pendolinos were delivered with a software fault which means they have to stop at every other station for a CD upload. Not for nothing does Fiat stand for Fix It Again Tony.

Never mind, the hotel's very, um, hygienic...

And it's been snowing!