Ramsgate For Sale, One Careful Owner

Chatting to some of the local millionaires over a glass of bubbly down on the Croisette last night, I learnt that the Royal Harbour's ancient dredger, Ramsgate, is up for sale. Apparently it's all part of Councillor Latchford's plan to bring in new, super-duper dredging arrangements and get rid of the sandy beach that appears in our harbour entrance every low tide.

I've dredged up this photo (geddit??!!!) of the old tub in happier times. So, now you can buy the whole of Ramsgate for £65,000! A snip, I'd say!

Beautiful South

I see the Uranians have selected the finalists for their Thanet Is Beautiful photo and video competition. Strangely, my film of Ramsgate's Oasis blight flights doesn't appear to have made the cut.

They've also cunningly split the Ramsgate vote by shortlisting two very similar photos of our Royal Harbour. So, what's the guessing Boredstares or Margate wins? Although with all the gruesomeness currently happening on the north side, it could do with whatever good publicity it can get, I suppose.

The shortlisted video's below if you want to sneak a peek. I'm not sure 'sneak' is the mot juste, as I can't recall the last time I watched a five minute film that felt more like five hours. Guys, take a tip from a professional - if you've only got five minutes, don't spend the first three blowing your own trumpet in the opening titles! Jeez!

See all the Thanet is Beautiful video entries on BoobTube
See the shortlist and vote
See what Thanet's really like on ECR TV

Dickie Dishes Out The Dosh

Thanks for all the comments yesterday. Although we only got a third of the way to the ton, it still added up to 32 quid for Children In Need. Plus I'm donating an extra fiver which I promised the control room lads and lasses for cutting to Sir T when the word 'wig' came up during the Radio 1 v Radio 2 Buzzcocks. All in all not a bad day's work!

Meanwhile I see children's cancer charity CLIC Sargent are abseiling down Ramsgate's West Cliff today. Well, with the lift permanently buggered, it's the only way to go!

Children In Need
CLIC Sargent Ramsgate Abseil

Charitable Comments

As I appear to have been overlooked by ITV's I'm A Non-Entity... yet again this year, I've decided to devote my showbiz talents to the Beeb's Children In Need instead. See if you can spot me lifting the lid on Wogan's wig later this evening.

And following the success of my Green Nose Day back in March, which raised 41 smackers for charity, I will also be donating a shiny new quid for every comment that appears on this post today. I'm aware that another Thanet blogger recently clocked up 63 comments, so let's see if we can make it a cool ton!

Isle Of Blogs

Richard Eastcliff, Thanet's foremost celebrity millionaire, wit, raconteur, bon viveur, philanthropist and all round Renaissance Man, regularly sticks his silicon finger into the island's electronic pudding. Here's his weekly guide to what's hot, and what's gone mouldy in the fridge.

Plum
Ramsgate's Zumiweb continues to tempt our taste buds with his assiette of seaside postcards. Could do with a bit more sauce, though.

Over in Margate, burger fan Bignews Tony has been treating us to a full fat menu of Westwood Chaos and wasted council tax. Do try the over-sea-salted video of last week's storm surge drowning the site for the new Turnip Confectionery.

Ramsgate biblio-bloke Michael Child's new blog serves up a stodgy diet of dry old books. But it has the rich, yeasty aroma of freshly baked Kentish Huffkins, so it gets my vote.

Duff
Thanet Life, run by Tory doctor/councillor Simon Moores, is sticking to the crime themed plat du jour, illiberally bathed in an immigration jus. Come on Doc, get busy with the garlic!

Mrs Tara Plumbing. You'd think a plumber's missus would be serving up some hot stuff, but this blog's lukewarm. Principally because it doesn't link to me. Come on Mrs TP, get cooking with gas!

Vince's Photos of Ramsgate Then and Now usually cooks up some tasty treats, but it's currently closed for refurbishment. Perhaps Vince, who also runs a splendid caves and tunnels blog, could lend a hand exhuming caff-crushing, car-crushing councillor Dave Green from under the patio. He hasn't been seen since September!

Catch up with the local news and gossip every day on www.eastcliffrichard.blogspot.com But then you should know that already, shouldn't you? Otherwise you wouldn't be here!

All Mod Cons

Augustus Pugin, Ramsgate's most illustrious architectural son, is featured all this week on Radio 4. God's Architect: Pugin and the Building of Romantic Britain by Rosemary Hill is currently Book of the Week, and it's just getting to the interesting stuff about the Millionaire's Playground.

Apparently our Puge was besotted with the place, and built what's described as the world's first 'modern home' here. The Grange, pictured above, was way ahead of its time, and boasted plasma tellies, Smeg appliances and a wet room.

Don't worry if you've not tuned in so far. You can listen to all five episodes, narrated by Haydn Gwynne, on the Radio 4 website for the next seven days. You'll just love the part where the plumbers arrive with the wrong Jacuzzi!

Pinafore Signal

I arrived back in the Millionaires' Playground rather late from the smoke last night, following somewhat heated negotiations over pulling off my Twankey at the Willesden Empire this year. So it was with some dismay that I discovered there wasn't a single parking space to be had on the entire East Cliff. Even the double yellows had been colonised.

Now I know it's become rather trendy and upwardly mobile around here, and that consequently parking is at a premium. But imagine my dismay when the penny finally dropped that it was the opening night of the Ramsgate Operatic Society's production of HMS Pinafore at our deluxe Granville Theatre and Cinem, and that an invitation to the East Cliff's most prominent celebrity (moi) had been, er, overlooked.

Oh well. I was never much of a fan of Gilbert O'Sullivan anyway.

Ramsgate Makes A Spectacle Of Itself

My new ophthamologist, Mr R. de Cock, has recommended these little beauties. Wire framed, too, so they're not so prone to spontaneous combustion as the plastic Ben Sherman Margates.

Casting the old glass eye around the doc's reception as I was waiting to see the great man, I spied a filing cabinet labelled 'R. de Cock Letters'. Now I know where all those spam emails promising me a 'lighthouse in an open sea' are coming from!

Yellow Streak

I've received an email from GOD. Well, that's how it's signed.

Actually it's from First Ramsgate Firster Gerry O'Donnell, who's rather worked up about the Eastcliff Residents' Association's objections to the new colour scheme he's implemented as part of his tenureship of Ronnie Corbett's teeny-tiny kiosk, here on the East Cliff. My photo shows the kiosk before it was, er, defaced. The white bit at the bottom is now a fetching shade of canary yellow. Gerry writes in his 'godcast':

It appears thousands of people have complained at this desecration. Though to date, none as yet, have been willing to put their names to these complaints. ERA it seems knows who they are and quite rightly refuses to tell O'Donnell, an ERA member, of them.

O'Donnell's excuse is that the kiosk is a holiday and visitor ice cream parlour and needs to 'attract' custom.

It is time this troublemaker was shown the door.

Come on Eastcliff Richard, you've got the rope, let's show this criminal what we think of him.

Late news. O'Donnell is planning to erect huge signs, forty feet high stating "Kiosk OPEN" to catch the passing landing aircraft.

He must be stopped. NOW-W-W-W-W-W

GOD

God desecrating his own works, eh? Now I wonder what the theologians would make of that!

Here's Johnny!

Holy tamoly! I see Jonathan Aitken, bog-eyed perjurer and disgraced former Tory MP for Thanet South, is to make a political comeback. Apparently he's going to be applying his sword of truth to the penal system on behalf of the blue rinsers. Why not go the whole hog and ship Jeffrey Archer and Cecil Parkinson back in?

Which reminds me of a story one of my old news chums told me once. He was covering a visit by the Mad Bat to the Welsh Valleys in the 80s, just after Cecil's philanderings had hit the papers. The usual SWP demonstrators were there, shouting their habitual 'Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Out! Out! Out!' which they alternated with 'Kinnock, Kinnock, Kinnock, In! In! In!' Then one bright spark hit upon a variation.

It wasn't long before the entire crowd, onlookers and journos included, were chanting: 'Cecil! Cecil! Cecil! In Out! In Out! In Out!'

Thanet Loopy

Remember my trip on the buses a couple of months ago? Reader Jane has written in to report a similar experience:

The other night I heard a commotion outside the house. When I looked out of my bedroom window, yet another Thanet Loop bus had got itself stuck up the back streets behind Victoria Parade. The problem seems to be temporary drivers seconded from other areas, who, not knowing Ramsgate, turn prematurely before Victoria Road. The sign on Victoria Parade is slightly misleading and if you didn't know the area you might think it points up D'Este Road.

I had plenty of time to get my camera, so appropriately enough I turned the photos into this loop. Now I know how my car got mysteriously damaged a few months ago!

Well Jane, I'm not sure if we can put all criminal damage in the area down to the Thanet Loop, but clearer signs might be a good idea. Turn very tight, please!

We've Been Framed

Word is they're showing a bit of a weepie tomorrow night at the East Cliff's luxurious Granville Theatre & Cinem.

Thanet Under Threat, billed as 'a new film about local people's concerns over the pace of development and excess building in this area' kicks off at 7.30pm, and will be followed by an open discussion. The director, Christine Tongue, says it's 'intended to raise development issues and open a wider discussion on what people actually want as opposed to what they seem to be having imposed on them'.

I'll be there, of course. Although as the intention is to film the discussion, I'll be wearing my habitual disguise of trilby, shades and false beard. I should blend in perfectly!

Storm Surge Hits Ramsgate

Lumme! These were the scenes a few minutes ago as the predicted storm surge/high tide combo hit the Millionaires' Playground. Must look out those green wellies! Yikes, there go the maroons for the lifeboat!

Blowing A Gale

Not a reference to the blustery nature of this evening's weather and the tidal surge that's expected to storm down the east coast of England overnight, but rather the unholy row that's been rumbling on over on One Voice in Thanet's blog.

One Voice made the, er, mistake of criticising the £134,308 worth of expenses that Sir Roger Wind, Tory MP for Thanet (Arsonists) clocked up last year, some of which went on employing Lady Rodge as his secretary.

Now let me make myself clear. It's far too late at night, and I'm far too sozzled, to wade into an argument which has so far generated 62 comments on OVIT's site. Except to say, of course, that I'm thoroughly jealous of all the attention. I will only add that Sir Rodgerem is a national Thanetian treasure, who has presided over more than 12 decades of year-on-year growth in his constituency. One has only to look at Margate, jewel in the Thanet crown, to understand the tireless work he has put into his constituency, and the fact that his dog has now won an award only goes to prove that he has the wellbeing of all, er, dogs at the centre of his warm, generous and munificent heart. We shall never see his like again (He's not actually dead - Ed.).

Pass the Krug, Elton!

Flying Tonite

Here's a little reminder, ahead of tonight's Eastcliff Residents' Association meeting with Matt Clarke, boss of RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport, of the effect the Oasis training flights are having on the Cannes of Kent.

I'll be there with my megaphone, but if you don't get a chance to come along and protest, do sign my Downing Street petition.

Spa A Thought

The results of my latest 7 day poll are in, and there's a pretty conclusive majority of you who'd like to see our crumbling West Cliff Hall transformed into a Victorian themed health spa. Here are the results:

Question: What would be the best use for Ramsgate's West Cliff Hall (formerly the Motor Museum)?

Victorian Health Spa: 45% (25 votes)
Community Centre: 34% (19 votes)
Wind Farm Visitor Centre: 10% (6 votes)
Building Material: 10% (6 votes)
Fish Restaurant: 7% (4 votes)
Luxury Flats: 1% (1 vote)

If you recall, the Victorian health spa is the brainchild of one of my readers, Sarah Benfield, who says she put a detailed business proposal before Thanet Council in September and has heard nothing since. Rumour is that the council would prefer a fish restaurant run by one of our local hostelry millionaires, or the ubiquitous luxury apartments.

Sarah writes: As of yet still no news from anyone.....will try one last round of letters and then step it up... I wont wait for ever.

Well Sarah, good luck with the project, and if you need a celebrity to cut the ribbon you know where to come. Just in case, I've taken the precaution of picking myself out a rather fetching little number:

See you at the spa!

Gerry/Builders

Cripes! I see local teeny-tiny council campaigner Gerry O'Ramsgate has waded into the murky waters of the Pleasurama Development (aka Royal Sands aka Titanic aka Elsbels Palace Hotel).

In a recent email to all our local councillors, he writes:

Don't forget that at the Eastcliff Resident's Association meeting where the developers (£££££££££) met the people (********) I extracted an undertaking from Chief Planning Officer Brian White (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that he would keep an eagle eye on the height of the development (??????????) and call a halt if the footings and the subsequent layers suggest the promised height is likely to be exceeded as we all know it will. Developers' measuring rulers and tapes come in Metric, Imperial and Fictional.

Go get 'em, Gerry!

Shelter Skelter

All the recent hard work on those shelters here on Ramsgate's swanky East Cliff seems to have been worth it, as these before and after pictures show:

West shelter, February 2007

West shelter, November 2007

East shelter, February 2007

East shelter, November 2007

Hats off to the Foreshores Department of our beloved local council!

Book Look

Cripes! This blog is fast turning into publishing news! Today's featured publication is by local photographic genius Daniel Bass. The 28-pager, entitled Peninsular Tales, is all about, er...

Well DJ hasn't actually told me what it's about, but I do know that you can buy it at Harbour Monkey in Margate, or the Lurcher Gallery in Boredstares. Price is, er, um, dunno that either. Perhaps if you're looking in, DJ, you could fill in some of the gaps? Anyway, it should make a great Christmas present for someone. Whatever it is.

And speaking of Daniels, news has finally leaked out that my old acting chum Daniel Craig, aka James Bond, was in Ramsgate over the summer, meeting up with the local RNLI chaps. I treated him to a champagne and oyster supper here at the cliff top mansion afterwards, and he admitted that he was stirred by the splendid work they do, and hadn't been at all shaken by the trip out on the lifeboat!

Those Were The Days

With the bingo gone, the amusement park gone, and now the cinema gone, time for a quick epitaph for Margate's Dreamland. And what better way to mourn its passing than with this splendid poster, sent in by regular reader Milllicent?

The poster's being offered as part of a set of ten via nostalgia mag Bygone Kent, whose editor Nick Evans has also just published a 160-page picture book about Broadstairs.

Just imagine - 3,000 catered for at one sitting! I mean, just how big a spotted dick does it take to serve 3,000?

Update: For those of you asking you can contact Bygone Kent at bygonekent@btinternet.com. The posters have been reproduced postcard size, and are £2.50.

Just A Minute

No time to hesitate, deviate or repeat as I'm just about to dash off to the UK's second oldest theatre and buy my ticket to watch the UK's oldest entertainer.

Yes, I'm talking about my very old chum indeed, Nicholas Parsons, who's appearing at the Theatre Royal Margate tomorrow night in his one man show. He only admits to being 79, but I happen to know he's got a few years on Brucie's wig (which will turn 80 in February), and rumour has it he got his first break in silent movies. Still he's not in bad, er, nick for his age.

I must pop backstage and congratulate him tomorrow night. I might also take the opportunity to tell him my gag about the two vicars who went commando at the village fete. He always loves that one!

Sofa, No Good

Ferry-Go-Round

I spotted one of our luxury Transeuropa ferries languishing out at sea yesterday afternoon. Normally the sharp bit at the front of this vessel would be pointing either 90 degrees to starboard (that's right to us landlubbers) from its current position, if it was heading for Belgium, or 90 degrees to port if it was heading into Port Ramsgate.

It seemed as if the captain had decided to take his passengers on a diversionary cruise to Boredstares. Why? Only he can answer that question. Meanwhile if any of you nautical types out there have an explanation, do leave a comment.

That's All Folks!

Margate's historic, Grade II listed Dreamland Cinema closes today with a showing at 8.30 this evening of, appropriately enough, Peter Sellers' 1957 comedy of cinematic errors The Smallest Show on Earth.

The management have blamed the closure on the council's decision to allow a new multiplex to open at Westwood Chaos. As my good friends at the Cinema Theatre Association told me:

Unfortunately, local councils give planning permission for multiplex cinemas which invariably spell a death knell for independent cinemas, particularly tottering ones such as the Dreamland.

This, you will remember, is the same council that has placed its bets on arts regen to rebuild Margate's fortunes. Hmm. So, bingo gone, amusement park gone, cinema gone, still no firm plans for the site. That's regeneration!

Dreamland story on BBC website

I've Got An Ology!

Yep. Thanks to an Established, Prestigious, Leading Institution, I can now add PhD to the already extensive collection of letters after my name. And all I had to do was send off a cheque!

Apparently I can now look forward to a prosperous future, money earning power and the Admiration of all, having obtained the degree I deserve based on my present knowledge and life experience (i.e by doing nothing at all except cough up the sponds). My degree shows exactly what I can really do (er...), and I will soon be getting the Job, Promotion, Business and Social Advancement I Desire.

So, with that in mind, I've renamed the old cliff top mansion The Ramsgate Institute of Coastscape Studies (RICS), with yours truly installed as the Professor of Seasideology. Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the offers roll in!

Deputy Blog

Intrigued by Labour Deputy Leader Harriet Harman's mention of Ramsgate on the Andrew Marr show on Sunday, I've tracked down her blog, and indeed she has some very nice things to say about the Cannes of Kent following her visit here in September:

Ramsgate really was very charming... very pretty harbour... it’s a lovely place.

Well, I must say my opinion of the Labour deputy leadership has gone up tenfold reading that! And she's so much easier on the eye than the previous incumbent!

Hall Poll

I've popped another of my seven day polls in the sidebar. This time I'm asking what you think would be the best use for our crumbling West Cliff Hall. You can vote for multiple options if you like.

Meanwhile I see Oasis Hong Kong Airlines have been replaced on the oozalum flightpath this morning by MK. According to their website, MK's 747 is at least 16 years old, so think of it as a 400 tonne, H reg Ford Fiesta roaring over your bonce.

Oh well, look on the bright side. At least it's a change of scenery!

The Hall Truth?

Ho ho! I never tire of running this photo from the front page of Adscene back in April. There's Our Sandy handing over the keys of Ramsgate's crumbling West Cliff Hall to the Global Generation Church, just in time to make happy regeneration headlines before the local council elections.

Not long after, TDC's Chief Executive Richard Samuel issued a statement rubbishing the story [snigger]. So, what's happened to the clapped out Motor Museum since? Well, I myself have put up a couple of very worthwhile ideas, namely converting it into a Van Gogh Contemporary, or using it as a Centre of Excellence for Wind.

But now I've received an email from a Sarah Benfield, who says she put a detailed business proposal before the council last month. Her idea is to restore the place to its former glory and put it to work as a Victorian themed health spa. A splendidly imaginative idea, Sarah! Trouble is, other thoughts appear to be foremost in the minds of the powers-that-be. Sarah says: 'We've heard nothing and are being ignored.'

Rumour is that the council would prefer the usual solution, luxury apartments. An easy fix, given the building isn't listed and probably won't be. Another rumour involves one of our local hostelry magnates converting it into a fish restaurant. Let's hope he's got an effing good chef on board, otherwise it'll be less Gordon Ramsgate and more like Gordon Bennett!

To follow the sorry recent history of this fine building, just click on the tag below.

Strictly Kent Dancing!

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Showbiz Editor Hans Neesenbumpsadazie

Stars of the hit TV series Strictly Come Dancing are flocking to Thanet for practice sessions, according to BBC insiders.

'The island has ideal facilities for celebrities and professional dancers alike,' a Strictly producer told the Gazunder. 'Where else could they practice their steps just by walking down the street?'

Performers such as EastEnders' Letitia Dean and Kent's own Kelly Brook have apparently praised islanders for providing plenty of pavement obstacles such as crushed White Lightning cans, chewing gum and barkers' nests, all of which have to be carefully avoided on the average trip to the shops.

'It's true,' confirmed a BBC spokesman. 'Many of the dancers on Strictly have been training in Thanet.' And he added: 'Where else could you nip out for 20 Rothmans and end up doing a perfect cha-cha-cha?'

Bruce Forsyth is 103.

Sandy Beach Sandy Beach Destined For Sandy Beach?

The Sandy Beach sandy beach which currently graces our harbour entrance could be destined to top up our, er, sandy beach. Reader Jane writes:

I've heard that Councillor Latchford and co, who are putting the new dredging contract for the harbour out to tender, are investigating the possibility of using a JCB with an extended arm based on the East Pier itself to dredge the harbour, following the trial of the barge-based JCB recently. The idea would be to hoik the sand over the other side of the harbour arm onto the beach and allow wind and tide to distribute it.

That's not something I've heard myself, Jane, but I suppose it would be a, er, cost effective solution. Although I'm not sure that huge mounds of rotting harbour silt would be my idea of how to regain Blue Flag status for Ramsgate Main Sands!

Bob Marleygate

Well the horror flicks were all a bit predictable. But the after party at Eli's Sugar Lounge rocked! Well, reggaed actually.

The sign outside promised 'Bob Marley', testimony indeed to the restorative powers of the Margate ozone. It wasn't until I fished out the old pince-nez that I spied the word tribute underneath. But I wasn't disappointed, and the band played all the old favourites with a verisimilitude that had me wondering if Bob had indeed relocated to the Arsonists' Playground in his final days, and found it truly to be the invalids' last hope.

Oh well, next up, the comedy shorts festival. I might have a go at that myself. I think I've got a pair up in the attic, a remnant from my Butlins days.

Trick Or Treat

I see the funspoilers at Kent Police and Kent County Council have been divvying out these notices around the Ile for people to put in their windows. Quite what the orange blob is meant to represent, lord knows. But I'm sure if I opened the door looking like that, the poor mites would run a mile. Either that or they'd be spreading the word that mahogany man David Dickinson had relocated to the area.

Personally I don't mind tykes knocking at my door on Halloween. Last year I popped into that joke shop in Arlington Arcade, over on the seemy north side, and bagged myself a heap of those joke sweets. You know, the ones that taste of fish. Then, having devoured a box of Galaxy Celebrations, I carefully packaged the joke sweets up in the wrappers I'd saved. You should have seen their little faces! A trick and treat, all in one!

Anyway, talking of Halloween, I must dash, as I'm off to catch the 2 Days Later film festival over in the Arsonists' Playground. What more appropriate setting for a feast of horror flicks!

Harpers Bizarre

The debate over whether Harpers wine bar in Boredstares should or should not have been closed down by our beloved council rumbles on.

Two letters in today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder support the move. Meanwhile I see the owners have set up a Facebook group called SAVE HARPERS!!!, which at the last count had 842 members. About the same number as you'd have found queuing for the teeny-tiny toilet at the Harbour Street hostelry on a Friday night.

I have to declare an interest here. I was never a fan of the place. The bar staff were indifferent unless you were a mate, the place was rammed to capacity every night, and the facilities were cramped. I do, however, believe there is something in the argument that this would not have happened to one of the establishments run by the Ile's foremost landlord, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, it's only to be expected on the Dickensian east of the island, where their definition of a late night drink is a mug of Horlicks after Corrie. Now if they'd set up in Ramsgate, I'm sure they would have received a right royal welcome!

No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

Unless you're an MP that is. Then everything goes down on expenses, and today Parliament published its annual table of who claimed what and why. So, how did our local dynamic duo, Sir Roger Wind (Con.) and Dr Steve Ladyboy (Lab.) fare?

Well, Sir Rodge managed to clock up a whopping £134,308 in total, including £26,253 on 'office running costs', £80,497 on 'staffing costs' and £9,197 on 'staying away from main home' (hotels to you and me). He spent £4,901 on car travel, but a mere £187 on travelling on the rattlers.

Meanwhile, Dr. Steve claimed a relatively measly £129,436. Mind you, he spent considerably more on hotels (£21,549), and quite a bit more on the train (£945), but still had a sizeable petrol habit (£4,763).

I expect most people on the Ile will think these expenses pretty profligate, but I should point out that both MPs came in below the average of £135,600. And let's face it, the poor loves need a bit of extra folding. After all, it beats me how anyone could eak out a living on a basic annual salary of £59,686!

Download your copy of 'Members' Allowances' here and weep

Give Them An Inch

You know me, I haven't got a southern hemisphere-ist bone in my body. Not even after last weekend's rugby. But it was only a month ago that I spotted these chaps...

...moving in to their new luxury apartment at Granville Court here on Ramsgate's swinging East Cliff, and now they've shipped in three of their mates:

Has the government taken this into account in its recent population projection? I think we should be told!

More on parakeet immigration here

Market Farces

Word reaches me from the seemier north side of the island that the recently inaugurated Margate market is suffering a few teething troubles.

If you recall, the Wednesday market was set up to help trade in the sickly lower High Street, where a hole in the wall literally means a hole in the wall. But some stallholders have already pulled out, quoting a lack of, er, trade. And the shopkeepers aren't too happy either, with burger vendors setting up outside fast food outlets, and cheap shoes being flogged outside shoe shops.

It's all very different here in the Millionaires Playground, of course. The market here caters for a very different sort of customer. I mean, where else would you be able to buy a four foot spanner for £3.99?

Separated At Birth?

Reader Samantha writes:

I wonder if anyone else has spotted a similarity between the outgoing Prime Minister of Poland, Mr Jaroslaw Kaczynski, and the President of Poland, Mr Lech Kaczynski? Are they by any chance related?

Prime Minister/President, President/Prime Minister

Pub Name Fame Game

I see in today's Thanet Times that pub group Barracuda are holding a competition to name the new hostelry they're opening where that querky indoor market used to be in Harbour Street. The new boozer will occupy a space approximately the size of Broadstairs, and will be part of their Smith and Jones chain. Here's what they say about their pubs:

Generally situated in high street locations or secondary towns (secondary? - Ed.) and cities across England, Scotland and Wales, Smith & Jones offers a venue for all occasions serving a broad customer base (dipsomaniacs welcome). This, in turn, generates customer loyalty while reinforcing the widely held belief that a pub is a place to catch up and be part of the community (until falling over time).

They're looking for a name with local connections, such as a famous person, place or activity. There's a 'VIP champagne meal' for four on offer for the lucky winner, who will also get to officially open the place (if they can still see to cut the ribbon). I've already sent them some suggestions. My favourite is, naturally, The Richard Eastcliff, but you've got to admire the irony of The Frank Thorley, Collis Browne's and Oasis.

I hear Barracuda, who bill themselves as 'the UK's fastest growing pub chain', will also be serving Ramsgate themed drinks. Dunkerque Spirit should prove popular, and they'll be selling a new brand of alcopop called TDC, although I doubt if that'll catch on as it's described as having a 'lingering aftertaste'.

Biblio-news

Our local biblio-bloke Michael Child, who runs the splendid Michael's Bookshop on Ramsgate's trendy King Street, has emailed me to say that he's started his own biblio-blog. Check it out here.

Ladyboy To The Rescue!

I see my local MP, Dr Steve Ladyboy, has sent out a circular asking for views on the three post office closures that are proposed here in the Millionaires' Playground.

Well, when I last looked, the Post Office was still owned by HM Government, incumbents Gordon and Chums, the very same party that Dr Ladyperson represents. So couldn't they just tell them not to go ahead with it? I mean, a report out today predicts the UK population will rise to 157m by the middle of the century, and everyone's constantly urging us to cut our carbon footprints and shop local, so it's a bit short-sighted to shut local POs, isn't it?

In other news, the old Toyota Priapus was vandalised last night along with a number of other cars in the street. Must be the half term holidays.

Blimey! With Dr Biggles taking a break from Thanet Life at the moment, I seem to have taken over as the island's Chief Tory!

Cover Story

My Harley Street quack is deeply indebted to regular reader Mr X for the laughter-induced hernia I sustained upon reading an email from him earlier today. The email contained a link to a catalogue of the worst album covers ever created. Here is the link.

Do take the precaution of going for a tinkle before you look, though, as I would not want to be responsible for the dry cleaning bills. I've taken the liberty of reproducing three of my favourites below, just to get you acclimatised. But there are seventeen in all. Scroll down slowly and savour!

Tug Toff

I felt about as spruce as this old rustbucket outside the Maritime Museum as I walked around our Royal Harbour yesterday afternoon, in a vain attempt to blow the cobwebs away from the old Eastcliff attic, ahead of the Brazilian Grand Prix. You see, I'd made the mistake of consuming several bottles of commiserative Krug after England's defeat in the rugby final.

Still, at least all I needed was six paracetamol and a good night's sleep to feel right as rain again. I suspect the Cervia will need more than this tub of Jizer to get her gleaming like a new pin:

Update: According to the Steam Museum, the Cervia is on long term loan to our Maritime Museum, and is 'a remarkably important ship, still in her original configuration'. Oh yes, they certainly knew how to configure a ship in them days. Upturned table, weeds growing out of the deck. All essential nautical equipment!

For lovers of old tugs, here's the 1927 steam tug Portwey making its way last month from Canary Wharf to Ramsgate. Not a drop of Jizer in sight!

Trying Time

As an expert who has spent at least eight minutes studying the rules of rugby, I can say with absolutely certainty that we woz robbed in Paris last night when that try was disallowed because of the, um, over the line thingy. I ran Elton after the match and he agreed. So, conclusive.

Still, who cares? Rugby's not much of a game. Motor racing, now there's a sport!

Update: OK, we came second in the rugby. Lewis came second in the F1 Championship. Er, Nobel Prizes. We won some Nobel Prizes recently, didn't we? Nobel Prizes, now there's a real sport!

Paris/H**ilton's Brazilian

There. If that doesn't get the old site stat counter-o-meter moving faster than a BOGOF on White Lightning in Cliftonville, I don't know what will.

I've taken the precaution of dusting the 52 inch Sony plasma and getting in a couple of cases of Krug for tonight's rugby match against the Saffers in Paris. Hopefully it won't have all gone before tomorrow afternoon's Grand Prix. With Lewis Hamilton in second place in the final practice session in Sao Paolo this afternoon, it looks like the Brazilian's going to be a close shave!

Lifeboat Rescue

Since the new owners took over that Costcutter near Mr Filthy Talk Talk's (soon to be ex-) Post Office, I've noticed that every week, when I go in to buy my Gra*ia, the teeny-tiny lifeboat that I usually drop the spare change in has become more and more marooned.

The other week, instead of being ready for action right by the till, it was washed up behind an enormous bank of Haribo, chewing gum, and all manner of cheap sugary crap. I'm afraid I berated the otherwise friendly owner for a serious lapse of civic duty, and this week I see it's back on display in pride of place. Hopefully the new dredging arrangements in our Royal Harbour will do the same for the real thing.

Unfortunately the same can't be said of the St John's Ambulance tin, and Beach Within Reach box, which have both been consigned to the retail equivalent of a Westgate nursing home, i.e out of sight and out of mind. Which is a shame, because only the other day I received this missive from Kim Twyman, the Treasurer of Beach Within Reach, Ramsgate's newest charity:

We have noted your comments about our charity boxes not having a charity number on them. We would like to let you know that we have now replaced the old labelling on the charity boxes with our new charity number. We apologise for the delay in replacing the labelling but as you can imagine there are numerous things to set in place when starting and running a new charity.

I wonder if it would be possible for you to put details of our charity on your website. I have attached a leaflet on our charity and a photograph (as a Jpeg) of the All-Terrain wheelchairs to give people an idea of what we are trying to achieve. These All-Terrain wheelchairs can be used by adults and children and can be fitted with accessories to enable severely disabled children/adults to use them. There will be no hire charge only a returnable deposit. Proof of ID will be required.

Hopefully these All-Terrain wheelchairs will be on Ramsgate main beach for the new season of 2008 and on other beaches in the Thanet area as funds permit. We hope this project will increase the tourism industry in our area. We are trying to reach charities, organizations and schools out of the area that run holidays/breaks/days out for the disabled.

Kim concludes:

Donations towards the purchase and running of these All-Terrain wheelchairs would be very welcome. Especially from millionaires!! Please send cheques made payable to “Beach Within Reach” to 28 Crescent Road, Ramsgate, Kent CT11 9QX.

Glad to be of service Kim!

Naval Gazing

Yes, I picked a good day to be watching the ships go by from my study here on Ramsgate's East Cliff, what with 1800 jobs going at the Beeb, and my old ITV chums Ant and Dec getting it in the neck for fleecing the viewing public with their mechanical pig.

Unfortunately it does mean, however, that my own proposal for a prime time comeback, Dickie's Big Dosh Dial-Up, will have to be put on hold for a bit. Shame, really. Only today Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) emailed me to say he was putting the finishing touches on the studio at his uncle's cowshed just outside Plovdiv.