Ferrygate - One In The Eye For Thanet Council

I see my old chum Lord Gnome of the popular satirical magazine Private Eye has seen fit to publish my latest jottings about the ongoing £3.4m Ferrygate scandal today! In case you're too mean or stupid to trot along to the newsagents and buy a copy, here's what I wrote:

LOST AT SEA

Taxpayers are furious with Thanet council after discovering that it secretly sank millions into a failing ferry company - money that is now swimming with the fishes.

Thanet owns and runs the port of Ramsgate, home till recently of a tatty shipping line called TransEuropa Ferries. In spring 2011, TransEuropa, which employed Slovenian staff and carried mostly Eastern European lorries on ageing, Cypriot-registered ships between Ramsgate and Ostend, went to the council and confessed that it was skint, blaming the rise in fuel prices. TransEuropa had a proposition. If the council would let it off paying its bills it wouldn't go bust, saving the jobs of ten port staff - and only costing the taxpayer £120,000 a month! Thanet's chief exec Sue McGonigal agreed on condition the deal remained secret.

Last month the waters finally closed over TransEuropa. It emerged that under the clandestine deal Thanet had sunk £3.4m into the failing firm - almost a fifth of the council’s annual budget. Only McGonigal, a few senior council officers and the council leader appear to have been in on the secret. No specific mention was made in Thanet’s 2011/12 accounts, nor was provision made for potential losses. No mention of it was made at any public meeting of the council. Moreover, this enormous public subsidy to a foreign shipping company wasn’t even secured: all the Council had was a vague promise of jam tomorrow. The truth only emerged when TransEuropa’s other creditors forced the company into bankruptcy.

Now deprived Thanet is having to introduce deep cuts to make up for the shortfall, including slashing £1m from the housing budget. An application to TransEuropa’s Belgian administrator in the hope of retrieving some money is unlikely to amount to much, as the firm’s last two rustbuckets - its only assets - ended up in Ostend, and both are so old and knackered that they’re probably only worth their scrap value.

Despite calls for her resignation, the £114,000 chief exec has refused to go. The fact that the secret subsidy was instigated with a nod from Tory council leader Bob Bayford, and subsequently endorsed by Labour's Clive Hart when his party took control late in 2011, has worked to McGonigal's advantage, with both parties forced to argue that propping up TransEuropa was the only ‘sensible’ thing to do.

All this comes just weeks after Thanet’s former Tory leader, Eye favourite Sandy ‘Shagpile’ Ezekiel, was jailed for 18 months at Maidstone Crown Court for misconduct in a public office, following dodgy property deals. What a place!

And while we're on the subject of Private Eye, I see the latest edition of Thanet Watch, the self-styled 'Private Eye of Thanet', has published a transcript of my recent UKIP film (starring A. Hitler) without so much as a credit! Which is why I've just toddled around all the local newsagents replacing as many copies of Thanet Watch as I can find with the real Private Eye.

The weirdest thing, though, is that they've redacted all my spicy lingo apart from the phrase 'bell end'.

Dornier Of An Old Era

 

Holy wordplay! I really must sack my headline writers!

Anyoldhoo, I'm indebted to regular reader Phil for this snap of that German bomber which just been salvaged from the Goodwin Sands and brought in to our lovely port here at the Millionaires' Playground!

Not exactly a minter, but it's only had the one owner (A. Hitler) and will make a good project for someone. To be honest, I suspect it's in better condition than some of those knackered old cargo jets flying over my roof into RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport!!!!

History Lesson

With the news that Thanet Duffer Central has offered the 'developers' of the Pleasurama Eyesore aka Royal Sands aka Titanic Towers more time to cough up the sponds to avoid further 'scrutiny' (ooh, they must be really scared!), I thought I'd take a trip down memory lane and see if history can teach us a lesson here.

So settle down, and please do pay attention at the back. Poole - stop playing with McGonigal's calculator. Yes, it does spell 'boobs' if you hold it upside down, put it down. Thank you.

Now, it all starts back in 1986 with Thanet Council leasing the site to the late Jimmy Godden. Yes Poole, you're right, that is nearly 30 years ago. Well done.

Jimmy didn't much like running amusement parks, but he did like burning them down, collecting on the insurance, then applying for planning permission to build luxury seafront apartments. In 1994, Jimmy and his chums at Thanet Council cooked up a scheme to redevelop Pleasurama which would retain the listed building at the heart of the site. It was agreed that a mixed retail and leisure development would be completed by 31st December 2000, and the council would be paid £500,000.

Then in 1998, before work on the development could start, what happened? No McGonigal, the council didn't receive lots of money and live happily ever after. Bayford? Hart? Any clues? No? I'll tell you then. The site burnt down, and despite the fact that the council could have insisted the insurance money was spent on the new development, they allowed Jimmy to trouser the lot. He then trundled off in his Rolls-Royce to burn some other seafront heritage sites down, leaving Pleasurama to rot.

The council's Chief Executive at the time argued that no further dealings should be had with Mr Godden, and what happened to him? Yes, McGonigal, you're right! He received lots of money, retired early and lived happily ever after!

By 2001, Ramsgate's residents were so unhappy with what was happening to their lovely seafront, and the incompetence of their council, that they called in the District Auditor. Does anyone know what the District Auditor does? No Bayford, he doesn't check bus passes. He's a scary man with a big stick who goes around asking lots of very awkward questions. In 2002 he produced his report, here it is. It concludes that the biggest single impact of what had transpired was 'the lost opportunity to-date of developing a key area of the district for the overall benefit of local residents', and that 'a considerable amount of (council) staff resources were expended on this scheme (615 hours) for very little tangible output'.

What's more, he chastised (it means 'told off', Hart) the council for lacking project management skills, carrying out negotiations with the developer in secret, failure to approach alternative developers, failure to get a proper valuation for the site, failure by council employees to provide proper reports to councillors, and failure to take proper minutes of meetings and keep proper records of costs incurred.

Now, Poole, Hart, Bayford, McGonigal - what do we learn from this? Poole? What's that, you say? Keep secretly negotiating for ten years with one 'developer' you know nothing about, and offer to change the pathetically sketchy agreement you have with them to suit the requirements of their 'bankers'? Stupid boy! Go and stand in the corner!

Ferrygate Fixed!

Cripes! I see that green machine Councillor Ian 'Pile' Driver has fixed it for me to have my ferry fiasco fixed!

A bit of background. I popped a complaint on the excellent FixMyStreet website yesterday, moaning about the £3.4m of council tax the Duffers have poured down the TransEuropa plughole. I wasn't really expecting a response, as the site is more concerned with barkers' nests, abandoned jalopies and street lights that are on the fritz.

But only 24 hours later, the Right Honourable Member for Northwood Ward has marked it as 'job done'! Hurrah! If only everything in life was that simple!

Ferrygate - Sweeping It Under The Carpet

Fittingly for a local authority that was until comparatively recently led by a bent carpet salesman, Thanet's councillors have now successfully swept the scandal of TDC's £3.3m secret subsidy to a foreign ferry firm under the very carpets that the aforementioned bent carpet salesman no doubt sold them in the first place.

Both the Oversight and Scrutiny Panel on Tuesday night, and an extraordinary council meeting yesterday, effectively voted to approve Chief Executive and Chief Financial Officer Sue McGonigal's clandestine, multi-million pound cover-up, a commercial bollock-dropping on such a monumental scale that, if she had been working anywhere else, she would have been immediately escorted out the door with only her Miss Piggy rubber and a few paper clips as compensation.

What isn't surprising is that the right wing bears-of-very-little-brain seem to think this is the best outcome, even though you'd expect the idea of their council tax being used to prop up a bunch of Slovenian matelots to be anathema to them. You'd think they'd be arguing that McGonigal has acted like a small town version of Gordon Brown, pumping good money after bad, gifting £3.3m of public funds in unsecured loans, and causing an extended period of austerity to be brought in by, er, the Labour administration. (I think that's the point at which that particular hypothetical Tory argument breaks down.)

It's slightly more surprising that the left wingers seem compliant with this extraordinary state of affairs, but then I'm maybe crediting them with more brain cells than they actually possess. Only the independents appear to have properly got to grips with this fiasco, and understood its full implications.

What seems utterly ludicrous is that the two main Thanet bloggers who have experience of running businesses themselves seem to think there's nothing wrong with a debtor being allowed to rack up such a huge sum in unpaid bills. 'It's money we would never have had in the first place,' goes the argument. But then, if it was only 'funny money', why is £1m being slashed from the housing budget? Why didn't McGonigal use her business and commercial acumen to pull the plug before it all got so completely out of control? Well, the answer to that last one is that she evidently has none.

I dunno. For an island that's not short of whelk stalls, there seem to be very few people knocking about who would be qualified to run one.

Ask Sister Assumpta - Ferrygate Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your public funding problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the Labour Leader of a local authority in Kent which has just lost £3.3m of our council taxpayers' money secretly betting on a bankrupt ferry firm. I am now having to cut public services drastically in order to make up the shortfall. Should I resign? C.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer a shower o'bastards an' make no mistake! I wouldn't ride yer fer practice! Jaysus, yer never saw a cow shit and didn't long fer a pancake! Now feck off before I feckin' reef yer, yer great toolin' gobshite!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the former Tory Leader of a local authority in Kent which has just lost £3.3m of our council taxpayers' money secretly betting on a bankrupt ferry firm. It was my administration which initially approved this risky action, resulting in drastic public service cuts in order to make up the shortfall. Should I resign? B.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer great hairy gimp! Why don't yer go and blow it out yer arse, yer givin' me the runs! Yer've got a neck like a camel jockey's bum, yer big suckie whacker! Now feck off, or I'll put yer up against the wall an' give yer a puck in the gob!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the Chief Executive and Chief Financial Officer of a local authority in Kent which has just lost £3.3m of our council taxpayers' money secretly betting on a bankrupt ferry firm. It was me that recommended this course of action to both the former Tory administration and the more recent Labour administration. I now regret this course of action, and am also deeply ashamed at failing in my duty of public care by continuing to authorise debt write-offs to this exorbitant and ludicrous amount. Things are now so bad that I am having to instigate drastic public service cuts and recoup the money by robbing Peter to pay Paul. I am so embarrassed and upset. Should I resign? S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me, yer've truly gone and put the kibosh on it, moochin' around fer money, yer mentaller! Yer've made such a feckin' bags of it, I'm surprised the taxpayers haven't eaten the head off yer! Sure, yer drawers are the size of Cork an' all! Go stuff a jammy rag up yer hole, yer thick manky gimp!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Ferrygate - Why Did They Pay The Ferry Man?

Today's extensive Ferrygate coverage in the Gazunder sees Thanet Council's Chief Executive, Sue McGonigal, make this ludicrous statement: 'The council takes its role to protect public funds incredibly seriously and will do all it can to recover the money owed.'

Really? Then how come she didn't manage to 'protect' the £3.3m in the first place??!!

In every other business I know of, it's drilled into the employees that they must treat the company's money as if it is their own. Thanet Council is the only outfit I've come across where the money is actually their own (it comes from their taxes as well as ours), but the employees spend it like water!

Anyhoo, one of my regular readers has emailed me this list of very pertinent questions. Comments on the usual postcard please!

The front page of the Isle of Thanet Gazette today quotes the Chief Executive of Thanet Council as saying: 'The council entered into an agreement which would see the recovery of the debt in full by 2014.' Then on Page 6 the paper writes:

'The debt accrued over two years following a secret agreement which allowed the firm to defer port fees.'

Where is this agreement? Why has it even now not been published? Why was it done in secret? What other secret agreements has the incompetent executive of the Council entered into that, like skeletons, are waiting to fall out of the community chest? There needs to be full and immediate public disclosure.

Hasn't the Council's lawyer and Head of Legal Harvey Patterson heard of the expression 'not worth the paper it is written on?' Why did he and the executive who is ultimately responsible for protecting the public's funds, namely the Council's Section 151 Officer Sue McGonigal, bind local tax payers in an agreement with TransEuropa when common sense, let alone due diligence, if they'd undertook any, would have told them the other party was offering no security for the debt already incurred, let alone the debt to come? They knew full well Transeuropa had no assets at all in the UK, and were on notice that Transeuropa were most likely already insolvent! 

Such an agreement was only going to benefit Transeuropa, and be detrimental to Council taxpayers. The 'sub-prime' lending that took place prior to the global financial crash looks cautious by comparison. When will these executives pay the price for squandering public funds?

It is no defense to claim there are other budgets available within the Council to cover these massive losses. The reserves of the council, or money somehow conjured up from the failed budgeting of the council (which is also under their control), are not there for the executives to play secret games of poker with.

Ferrygate - Where Does The Buck Stop?

The sorry saga of how Thanet District Council handed over £3.3m of taxpayers' funds to a failing ferry company continues to rumble on. Let's recap the story so far, and then make some conclusions:

• At some point in early 2011, TransEuropa Ferries started getting into trouble and were having difficulties paying their bills at the Port of Ramsgate (owned by TDC). This could not have come as a surprise, as TEF had been running down their services for years, and despite TDC spending £700,000 dredging the port for a new, larger ferry (the Ostend Spirit), the new service had failed to attract more than a few months' income. The £700,000 spent on dredging, which had been done without adequate financial safeguards in place to recoup the money from TEF, plus around £70K of bad debts owed by TEF, were written off. That's on top of the £3.3m that TDC have 'just' discovered.
• According to TDC, around March 2011, at the same time the council effectively removed the port accountant who had successfully handled the port's financial and commercial affairs for 27 years and had raised concerns about the slowing up in payments by TransEuropa through late 2010 and early 2011, some bright spark at the then Tory-led administration decided that, rather than chasing the invoices, they would allow more debts to stack up in the forlorn hope that TEF would come good.
• TDC's then Head of Regeneration, Brian White (who held the port in his portfolio), is reported as having demonstrated little concern about the mounting problems, and having few solutions as to where to source another major shipping line to replace the cash cow that had previously been TEF.
• Not long after, the aforementioned Brian White was given a golden handshake of around £150,000 (including pension arrangements) and waved on his merry way. Chief Executive Richard Samuel, who also presided over this state of affairs, scarpered too, with £173K in his pocket, leaving the current Chief Exec Sue McGonigal to land the six figure job (and keep her finance officer responsibilities) after a 20 minute interview.
• By the time the new Labour administration came into power at TDC in December 2011, TEF's debts were already standing at a staggering £1.7m. Alarmingly, there seems to be no mention of this sum in TDC's accounts for that year. Nonetheless, the Labour administration were, we assume, informed of the situation, and were complicit in the plan to allow TEF to carry on not paying their bills.
• At the beginning of 2012, The Ramsgate Port and Marina Cabinet Advisory Group, which was set up in late 2010 to advise on the commercial development of the port, decided that neither it nor anybody else at TDC had the competence to advise on the commercial development of the port, and would therefore spend £20K of public money hiring consultants to do it for them. At which point it also decided that all future meetings would be held in secret.
• Last month TEF finally went totally tits up, and this week we learn that the total cost to TDC is £3.3m.
• Not only that, but the Belgians are holding all the debt recovery cards. Where are the ferries? In Ostend.

Now, thinking about this disaster, if TDC were a company, heads would roll, knighthoods would be revoked, and pensions halved. The trouble is, as the Tories set up this silly scheme, and Labour then continued it, they can both conveniently blame each other until the proverbials come home.

But what about the permanent TDC officers, TDC's employees paid for by our council tax, on stupendous stipends of £100K a year or more, who have been overseeing this mess all along? Sue McGonigal has been the Section 151 officer (or Chief Financial Officer in private sector speak), all the way through this ferry farrago. Local government guidelines state: 'The S151 Officer owes a personal duty of care to local taxpayers in managing Council resources on their behalf. In discharging this responsibility the S151 Officer must balance the needs and interests of both current and future taxpayers' and 'the responsibilities of the S151 Officer cannot be delegated'.

Doesn't that mean the buck must truly, and legally, stop with her? Could she not be prosecuted for dereliction of duty? Don't EU rules forbid public subsidies to ferry companies? And doesn't allowing unpaid debts to rack up to £3.3m before imagining that a company might be insolvent show a woeful lack of business awareness, to say the very least? She should do the decent thing and leave without passing go, without collecting a six figure payoff, and never darken our doors again.

In an interview with the Gazunder in June 2011, Ms McGonigal said: 'The flip side of risk is opportunity - and if you are overly risk-averse then you miss out on opportunity.' True. But if you take too many risks, and lose £3.3m of public money, I would suggest that the flip side is you miss out on the opportunity of keeping your job.

Ferrygate - Separated At Birth?

 

Reader Samantha writes:

Has anyone else noticed the striking similarity between the £3m Thanet Council was hoping to get for the freehold of the Pleasurama eyesore in Ramsgate, and the £3.3m it has lost in the Ferrygate debacle? Talk about funny money!

Haha! Well, Samantha, if you are saying that the council's book-cooker woke up on Monday morning this week, saw that the three million sovs would be unforthcoming from the 'developers' of the Pleasurama site, and realised that, as the £3.3m ferry hole it was intended to fill would therefore remain unplugged she had better fess up, you may have a point.

I'll get my accountant Cyril on it straight away!

Ferrygate - Inside The Secret TDC Committee

Hands up who's heard of Thanet Council's 'Ramsgate Port and Marina Cabinet Advisory Group'? I certainly hadn't. But apparently it does exactly what it says on the tin.

The minutes had, until a year ago, been published on TDC's website. Then the powers-that-be decided that what they were discussing was way too confidential for the likes of you and me, the people who actually pay their wages, to be privy to.

Councillors who are or were on the committee, according to those minutes that have been published, include Bayford, Campbell, Gideon, Huxley, Roberts and Watkins, with occasional appearances from D Green and Poole, and TDC officers such as Maritime Operations Manager and Harbour Master Rob Brown, and Corporate and Regulatory Services Manager Harvey Patterson.

Now, what is interesting is that on 26th January 2012, the last meeting where the minutes were published, the committee decided to spend a £20K EU grant that had to be used up by June 2012 on hiring a consultant to see what could be done to attract new business to the port. And here's the clincher. The reason? Because 'no-one within TDC was expert enough in this field'.

So, by their own admission, by the beginning of 2012, when TransEuropa's debts were already piling up, no-one at TDC was competent enough to run a maritime business in such a way that alternative shipping lines could be attracted to take up the slack. Un-flipping-believable!

Of course, we'll never know if a consultant was indeed hired, or if anything was done to attract any alternative, viable business. Because the minutes end with this killer punch: 'AOB: The Ramsgate Port and Marina Cabinet Advisory Group agreed that all future meetings would be private.'

Ferrygate

Following my exclusive revelation last month that TransEuropa Ferries had sunk without trace, we have now been presented with the bill by Thanet Council - a whopping £3.3m!

Yes folks, that's 3,300,000 of your English pounds pissed up the swanny, without so much as a 'by your leave'. That's your council tax, that's my council tax, that's money that should have been going towards funding decent public services in Thanet, not propping up a failing foreign business.

So what did we get for our mulah? The answer to that has to be: 'Chuff-all'. I've seen councillors on other blogs justify their actions by saying TEF was a major business that couldn't be allowed to fail. Really? Are they actually suggesting that it was a worthwhile exercise to clandestinely syphon off our money into a Slovenian firm, owned by a couple of Maltese barristers, for the sake of protecting, what, ten jobs down at the port? That's £330,000 per job!

Someone, somewhere has dropped a massive bollock. Or worse, there's been enough council collusion and corruption going on to make even a crook like Sandy Ezekiel blush. Who ordered this unlawful secret subsidy? Councillors? Council officers? Why aren't they in jail too? Wasn't Brian White, the former Head of Regeneration and Planning, in charge down there at the time? Why did he get a £70,000 pay-off for this, er, sterling work? And why was the port accountant, the only person with the bottle, experience and nouse to flag up this monumental misappropriation of public funds, suddenly sacked in 2011 and told that all the number crunching would, in future, be done at Duffer Central in Cecil Square?

In order to pay for this ferry fiasco, we are now told that, amongst other things, £1m will be taken from something called the 'New Homes Bonus', a government grant aimed at helping local authorities build affordable homes and bring long-term empty properties back into use. So to line a few pockets, people are going to lose out on much-needed accommodation. Kuh!

The whole thing stinks worse than Margate Harbour when the tide's out. I think Eric Pickles should be told!

Meanwhile, in other Ramsgate seafront news, TDC have concluded that something needs to be done about the Pleasurama eyesore, and that they're now not entirely happy with the decade and a half of dereliction they've been promoting down there. Call me a cynic, but releasing this 'good news' straight after their Ferrygate revelations strikes me as a rather obvious attempt at media manipulation.

And to be honest, it ain't all good news either, as it's going to cost us council taxpayers several more millions in legal fees to undo that particular mess. You couldn't make it up, could you?

Wheelie Bins On Fire, Rollin' Down The Road

Apologies to the late, great Bob Dylan (He's not dead - Ed.) for appropriating his lyrics, but there appears to have been a spate of what can only be described as 'arson about' across the island recently.

Not that earner burners and the like are unknown here in Fannit. But having torched all the big stuff (Dreamland, Pleasurama, most of Margate), the local ne'er-do-wells have now turned their attention to the slightly more trivial pursuit of popping the odd Bryant and May into our wheelie bins.

Showing a modicum of talent for the job, they are targeting the recycling bins, being, as they are, full of combustibles such as paper and plastic. Even the local fules know it's hard to set light to cat turds, soiled nappies, and used condoms.

Regular contributor Steve has put an FOI request into the boys in brown at Kent Fire and Rescue, and come up with some startling figures. In the three-and-a-bit years since records began, there have been 74 wheelie bin fires on the Ile de Thanet, that's around two per month. Out of those 74, almost a third (26) have been in Central Harbour ward, down here by our lovely Ramsgate Royal Harbour. Thus confirming my theory that the closer to large amounts of water something gets, the more likely it is to burst into flames.

I guess it's all in the name of 'fun'. But, as they say, it's all fun and games until someone gets burnt to death.

Election Night Special - Secret Footage Found!

Holy Blue Rinsers! My spies have just uncovered footage from the Tory bunker of the night UKIP wiped the floor with them here in the tip of Kent.

As might be expected, the language is a little, er, ripe. Enjoy!

Roger In The Local Economy

Here's a picture from Google Street View of an ordinary house in Birchington. Well, actually, it's not any old house. It's 10, Sea View Road, home of Field Marshal Sir Roger Latchford OBE, one of the new crop of seven old UKIP county councillors voted in at the recent KCC elections. In fact he's just been elevated to the lofty position of UKIP's Chief of Staff for the whole of Kent.

Now, there's no privacy issue here in my publishing this picture. The former Tory and TDC Deputy Duffer's address is on all the election material, and his house is there on Street View for all to see. So nothing contentious there.

That photo was taken in 2009. Take a look, however, at this more recent picture of Sir Roger's drive, which was taken from the public footpath by one of my spies in the last week...

Notice anything different? Yes, that's right, he's had a lovely new, brick block paving job done! Nothing contentious there either, you'd think. Ah, but thereby hangs a tale. Apparently a couple of neighbours also had their drives resurfaced recently, one by a father and son team from Birchington, the other by a company based in Sandwich. Sir Rodge, on the other hand, chose a pair of itinerant Irish lads to do his, which hardly chimes in with UKIP's bluster about local jobs for local people, methinks.

To be fair to the OBEed one (Why? - Ed.), it's hardly the makings of, er, Drivewaygate. And anyway, I'm told the workmen pulled the proverbial over his eyes by claiming responsibility for the neighbours' improvements. Which just makes him a silly old brick, if you ask me.

Ballot Dancing

Readers with long memories will remember that we once had a Conservative councillor on the Ile de Thanet who actually did kill a kitten. Straight up. No bullshit.

Anyhoo, following last week's UKIP love-in, today sees another two elections down in the tip of Kent. Both are by-.

One is here in Ramsgate and has been called because of independent motormouth Ian 'Pile' Driver's flouncing out of our teeny-tiny council. The list of candidates makes for grim reading. Three I've never heard of, and two who I have heard of and would never vote for. I'll leave you to ponder who's who in that particular zoo.

The other ballot is over on the grubby, north side of the island. It follows the conviction and jailing of our erstwhile, inglorious Tory council leader Sandy 'Beach' Ezekiel for corruption. The only name I recognise on the list is the lovely Louise Oldfield, tireless Margate campaigner and owner of the excellent Reading Rooms, that splendid boutique B&B on Hawley Square. She made the 80+ mile round trip to Maidstone Crown Court every day of Ezekiel's nine day trial to tweet and blog us the latest. So my vote, if I had one, would be for her.

Oh well. Hey-ho. Whoever I recommend, it's pretty much a dead cert that we'll end up with another couple of purple people eaters to add to the ever-growing list!

Update: I was right (but then when am I not?!). Two more to add to the UKIP list. Kuh!

Separated At Birth?

Reader Samantha writes:

Has anyone noticed the similarity between The Great Wall of Ramsgate, as pictured in a new paperback called The English Seaside by Peter Williams, and published by English Heritage...

And this, The Great Wall of Ramsgate as depicted in your blog on April 27....

Are they by any chance related?

Hmmm. Interesting question, Samantha. I see English Heritage states in its blurb for the book: 'For too long the English seaside has suffered from a bad press, accused of being tatty, cold, grey and windswept, but Peter Williams finds the seaside to be warm-hearted and welcoming, about having fun, riding the rides and seeing the shows.'

Well, the rides went long ago, the cold and grey has got colder and greyer, the tatty tattier, and as for the being windswept, I see we're being warned about stonking great gusts tomorrow! Pip pip!

'Aving A Larf

Up here in the Smoke (London) there are plenty of places where you can go and have a jolly old chortle. But a chum of mine is trying to write a piece about stand-up and open mic comedy on the Ile de Thanet. Can anyone point him in the right direction?

I've told him about the regular, trouser-wetting guffaws to be had in the council chamber, but he didn't seem that impressed!

And talking of larfs, here's a trailer for next week's Mary Queen of The High Street show on Margate....

Mary Queen Of The High Street trailer on YouTube

UKIP If You Want To...

...but I'm off to somewhere that doesn't smell of old farts and fascist socks. Be seeing you!

Thumbs Up For Dreamland Scheme

This just in here at the Big Blog newsroom - The Duffers have been given the final go-ahead for the compulsory purchase of the Dreamland site over in The Smoke (Margate).

The decision, by High Court Judge Phillip Sycamore, paves the way for a £12m 'heritage theme park' (knackered old rides to you and me), with top designer Wayne Hemingway at the helm.

On balance it's probably good news for the Arsonists' Playground, but I can't help wondering when Thanet Council are going to start spending tens of millions on our derelict seafront here in Ramsgate. Is it because they are based in Margate? I think we should be told!

Click here for the full story on the KOS website.

Whatever Floats Your Vote

Yippee! It's voting day!! Although an early straw poll of the usual pissed up and superannuated knob-knuckles dragging themselves along the street outside the old cliff top mansion resulted in a variety of reactions to my simple question: 'Morning! Election?', ranging from blank stares to the downright pugilistic.

Of course, as this is a vote for Kent County Council, and as KCC is currently bluer than my old showbiz chum Roy 'Chubby' Brown, the outcome is a foregone conclusion. Much of the county appears to be in the grips of a perpetual, true blue voodoo session in the desperate hope of bringing The Witch back from her grave to save/ruin the nation again.

Consequently Ruddy-Faced Man can comfortably look forward to another 1000 years of lording it over his Kentish reich from his Maidstone bunker, methinks. As you may be able to tell, I don't like Tories.

The real question is, how should I vote if I want to make any kind of difference here in Ramsgate?

UKIP? Well, on the Ile de Thanet at least, they seem to consist of disaffected Tories who are so right wing they think Thatcher was a commie plant. Or just outright, former Nazis. Strange how so many flabby, old decrepit men living with young, pneumatic, Thai brides can still object to foreigners swamping their country without a hint of irony, isn't it?

Greens? No, I already have a Toyota Priapus, thanks.

Yellows? Nope. Can't forgive them for becoming Bum-Faced Cameron's new bum chums.

Independents? Nobody can have failed to notice Ian 'Pile' (take that whichever way you like) Driver. He's been accused of being a motormouth and a 'career politician'. Er, hello! That's what most politicians are, ne c'est pas? I'd rather have someone representing me who was vocal and local, and spent his entire time gobbing off about Pleasurama, live exports, our derelict seafront, pooey beaches, and council corruption than the usual, mealy-mouthed, bent and pissed 'yes' men we have around here. And I admire his big, hairy, northern balls in publishing 'confidential' council documents that we all have a right to see. It's our money they're pissing away, after all. In fact, he reminds me a little bit of me (except I'm in no way northern, I hasten to add).

Two minor problems though. He isn't local. He lives in Boredstares, which is barely forgivable. And he has some cockamamie plan to declare UDI from Kent and Europe. But then that will never happen.

Then there's the lovely Liz Green, our local Labour lass. Not only does she actually live in the heart of Ramsgate, she also fights tirelessly (albeit quietly) on the town's behalf. She's helped me out of Duffer-induced pickles on many occasions. Oh, and have I mentioned she's lovely, too?

So I guess those latter two will get my vote when I stroll down to the jolly old polling station later. But who knows? As ever, I might always change my mind as I walk in!

Top Place Has Its Chips

Well, as they say on Football Focus, there's confirmation. One of Ramsgate's top nosheries has closed its doors for good.

Reader Steve has just sent me this snap of the front door of Eddie Gilbert's in King Street. The sign says:

Dear Customers,

It is with great sadness that we have to announce that, after more than 5 years serving the Ramsgate community, Eddie Gilbert's has now ceased trading.

We thank you for your custom.

What a shame. I had heard rumours that, since the tragic and untimely death of its owner Johnny a year or so ago, things had been tricky. Or perhaps it's just the current, crappy economy that did for them. What with the ferries gorn too, it's been a bad week for the Millionaires' Playground. Or, to put it another way, maybe some of the millions being spent on regenerating Margate should now be diverted to the sunny south of the island!

Bugger. You know what this also means? Bloody KFC for tea! Grrrrr!

Election Candidates In The Hot Seat

By Isle of Thanet Gazunder Political Editor Gerry Mander

Yes folks, it's election time again! Unless you're dead, living on a different planet, or a crack-crazed, alcoholic meth whore (You've just described 99% of the Thanet population - Ed.), you're probably already caught up in the excitement leading to polling day tomorrow! Will Kent County Council swing to the left? Or will it swing even further to the right and end up bashing into Essex? Or will it split down the middle like some kind of geo-political Terry's Chocolate Orange?

Here at your super, soaraway Gazunder we've gone to the ends of the earth and left no stone unturned to bring you the inside track on all the candidates by asking them to email us something which we've printed verbatim. So it's make your mind up time, Thanet!

UKIP

Candidates: Adolf Hilter, Ron Vibbentrop OBE

Policies: More things to do for the young people would be nice, wouldn't it? To that end we have already established UKIP Youth to help indoctrinate our precious young people with right thinking. Also, we're not racialists, but there aren't 'arf a lot of foreigners around here, aren't there? And while we're at it, you can't visit a public convenience these days without some homosexualist waving their great, big, hairy todger at you. Wouldn't it be great if all these people were rounded up and shot?
 
CONSERVATIVE

Candidates: Nigel Bentley, Prunella Learjet-Joystick

Policies: A vote for UKIP is a wasted vote. We will do everything UKIP are pledging and more. As the national government we have already reduced the appalling deficit we inherited from the filthy socialists by 0.00003 percent through a stringent policy of sacking doctors, nurses, policemen, and firemen. We have steered the country into three recessions, whilst encouraging rich people like bankers to do what they do best - run off with huge bags of fifty pound notes marked 'Swag'. A vote for us is a vote for common sense.

LIBDEM

Candidates: Tony Van Driver, Harry Bleachedanus

Policies: Er, can we get back to you on that? Oh, yes, I've just been reminded that we're basically the Greens, but differ from them in that we hate Labour and love airports. We're BFFs with that nice Mr Cameron although we resent him a bit because he is proper posh, and we only went to a grammar school. Is that enough policies?

GREEN

Candidates: Dr Mick Beard, Amy Hempsweater

Policies: We say 'NO' to giant Tescos, polluting factories, cars, lorries, ferries, planes, trains, Chinese imports, meat, leather, personal hygiene and gas central heating. We say 'YES' to wind farms, mung beans, bicycles, yurts, composting toilets, smelly feet and anything made out of, or rolled up with, hemp.

LABOUR

Candidates: Sophie Ballbreaker, Jason Middlemanagement

Policies: Three years of coalition government have left our county in an appalling state. With every street light switched off, it is now becoming almost impossible to drive one's Toyota Prius to Waitrose in the evenings. And why there isn't a John Lewis closer than Bluewater, lord knows. Let alone the poor miners. With a Labour controlled Thanet Council and a Labour controlled Ramsgate Town Council, we are working hard to ensure that every Thanet citizen receives their basic human rights of a latte and a mozzarella and sundried tomato ciabatta - all day, every day. Let alone the poor nurses.

INDEPENDENT

Candidates: Reginald Loonytoon, Ronnie Motormouth, 'Mad' Maggie Maddingley

Policies: WHAT DO WE WANT? TIME TRAVEL! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER! MAGGIE MAGGIE MAGGIE - OUT, OUT, OUT! KINNOCK, KINNOCK, KINNOCK - IN, IN, IN! CECIL, CECIL, CECIL - IN, OUT, IN, OUT! Also, please take your pick from the following: more renewables, less renewables, no live exports, more live exports, less Pleasurama development, more Pleasurama development, less town councils, more town councils, no filming council meetings, filming council meetings. (That's enough policies - Ed.)

Earner Burner

Flaming heck! It seems that our beloved council has just spent £1.5m on revamping Margate Crematorium, according to their latest press release. Unusually for The Duffers it was brought in on time and under budget.

Among the improvements are a back-up generator, new electric coffin trolleys, new CCTV, a new staff canteen and a new cold store facility (let's hope there's a degree of separation between the latter two). They've also managed to cut emissions by 100%. Hurrah!

But tucked away in the small print is this little gem: 'Installation of heat exchanger to run heating from excess heat from filtration equipment which will massively reduce utilities cost.'

Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that when your beloved Aunt Doris goes up in smoke, she'll be helping to pay TDC's utility bills! 

Hmmm. I wonder if they'll offer a discount for bulk? My Uncle Gerald's really not very well at the moment, and he's an enormous fat bastard. He should help keep the heating on for at least a couple of days. And luckily the refit includes 'the ability to cremate larger bariatric coffins'!

We're Illegally Parked On The Road To Nowhere

It was such a lovely weekend here in the Millionaires' Playground that I decided to whip out my old throbber and give it a bit of a thrashing!

Now that the powers-that-be have opened up the barrier between the harbour and the port, us millionaires are spoilt for choice - take the high road out of town, along London Road, or the low road along Military Road, then out along the port access road and through our lovely, multi-million pound tunnel. I prefer the latter as, fittingly for the Cannes of Kent, it feels just like taking a spin along the jolly old Corniche!

Oddly, though, there were still a number of illegally parked foreign lorries waiting for ferries, which ferries, as we now know, will probably never come. The port itself was deserted. Not a sausage...

To their credit, Kent Highways have done some excellent work installing wooden bollards along the cliff, thus preventing lorries parking illegally on that side. But that, the £32m on the tunnel, £87m on the new dual carriageways around Cliffsend, and the £500,000 spent by TDC on dredging the port for the Ostend Spirit all seem a little, er, pointless now.

I guess it's a case of 'will the last lorry leaving Port Ramsgate please turn out the lights.' Oh, silly me. Kent County Council have already thought of that one too!

The Average Wall Of Ramsgate

Flaming eyesores! The Great Wall of Ramsgate seems to have gone the same way as TransEuropa Ferries!

Has G O'D smitten (smited?) the graffitied artworks down in a fit of pique? Has Tiny Terry Painter peevishly removed them because the people of Ramsgate have had the audacity to rise up and thwart his plans to blight our lovely seafront with concrete sticks? Or have the developers, SFP, done the decent thing, fallen on their Swiss sword, and de-rigged them in preparation for the removal of the hoarding and landscaping the site as a park? (I think you've overdone it on the Tramadol again - Ed.)

Whatever the reason, isn't it about time someone organised a Swampy-style, tunnel-building, Occupy eco-war and reclaimed the site for us Ramsgatonians??? To the yurts everyone!!!!!

Ramsgate Ferry Firm Finally Runs Out Of Steam

Sadly it seems that our lovely TransEuropa Ferries here in the Cannes of Kent have gone into administration. That's what my spies in the anoraks with the binoculars tell me, anyway. The latest dispatch from Ostend reads:

The company has gone into administration today. Administrators will now try to find someone to take over the company. There seems to be one company who are keen to operate the line. They want to put a fastcraft on the line capable of taking trucks and cars.

We have to be a bit careful, as my understanding is that TEF is composed of a number of different companies, any one of which may, or may not, still be operational. And we all know that going into administration is not the same as going bust.

What does seem to be clear is that the Ostend Spirit has been repossessed by P&O, that its Slovenian crew are staging an old skool sit-in up at Tilbury claiming they haven't been paid for months, the TEF website is on the fritz, and the two remaining TEF vessels are laid up in Ostend.

It's a bad day for the town, and, of course, a bad day for those people who might lose their jobs as a consequence. But who knows, something may arise from the ashes. Anyone for Euroferries?!!?!

Meanwhile, don't forget that while most of the island's 'journalists' and political commentators were getting their proverbials in a twist about what may or may not be filmed at council meetings, I was bringing you the real news first! Hurrah for ECR!

Click here for the full story in The Gazunder (wot followed up my scoop!).

Trains And Boats And Planes

Trundling around the old Millionaires' Playground earlier, I thought I'd snap a few off. So here goes. I'll start with the trains...

Well, you would have seen trains there 100 years ago, as it used to be our lovely Ramsgate Sands station. Now it's a delightful row of, er, concrete sticks, part of the ever-to-be-constructed Royal Sands (aka Titanic) development of luxury dwellings, sanctioned by The Duffers. If you pop over to the developer's website, and have a spare two grand handy, you can put down a non-refundable deposit and look at an artist's impression of your splendidly appointed apartment. Which is probably all you'll ever get for your money.

Next some boats...

Oh dear! There don't seem to be any there either! In fact, as I've said before, I haven't seen a TransEuropa ferry in ages. Never mind, there are still some boats in the marina...

Then to cap it all, this thing flew over...

Hey-ho! Just another day in paradise!

Ostend Of An Era?

Effortlessly piloting my graceful Bentley Continental Flying Toss back to the Millionaires' Playground this afternoon, following a week at my Chelsea pad for the funeral of the century and a recording of the new series of Celebrity Nipples for Dave, I couldn't help but notice that our lovely TransEuropa Ferries in our lovely Royal Harbour/Port had been replaced by a floating hotel!

It got me to pondering what was going on with TransEuropa Ferries (TEF), as I rarely see the old tubs wending their way across to Belgium from my captain's lookout here at the cliff top mansion these days. So I emailed my old chums with the anoraks and binoculars on the other side of the briny, and this is their response:

You may well have noticed that Ramsgate port is 'ferryless' at the moment. Yesterday the Ostend Spirit (formerly the Pride of Calais) returned to their owners P&O for lay up at Tilbury. Strange that the Thanet press didn't pick up the story.

In short Transeuropa have some problems, and it seems that the owners the Dias brothers are wrapping up the company their father left them. They have sold two ferries that operated in the Med to Russian interests. The two ferries were moneymakers as they were chartered to the biggest Spanish ferry operator TRASMED for service between Spain and Morroco.

If TEF goes then at least 10 jobs will go directly with some indirectly such as security, cleaning and jobs at Orbit import-export, based at Ramsgate ferry port.

Blimey! Now, following a little, er, misunderstanding with Euroferries (Where are they now?! - Ed.) a few years back, I hasten to add that no-one is saying that TransEuropa have sunk. Let's be absolutely clear on that. But it does seem a little fishy! (Geddit??!!!!!???!!!??!!!!!!!!)

Especially as a visit to TEF's website is currently resulting in a big, fat empty load of white space.

Meanwhile I suppose we must welcome C-Bed to the Cannes of Kent. They provide floating hotels for windfarm workers, enabling them to be on the job 24/7. According to C-Bed's website, they use 'leather and other luxurious materials' to make sure their floatels 'are a place to unwind, sit back and get ready for the next day without worrying about cleaning, cooking, or getting to or from work'.

Fit for a millionaire, I'd say!

Click here for more on the current state of TEF in the Belgian newspaper De Tijd.
Update: The Gazunder has finally caught up with this story. Click here for more.

That Thatcher Funeral Buffet Menu In Full

STARTERS

Assorted Nuts

Pickled Scargills

 MAINS

 Minted Burgers

Roast Rump Of Argentinian Belgrano Beef With Delorsradish Sauce

Falkland Island Lamb Cutlets

French Fries

Irish Potatoes

Brussels Sprouts

Foraged Heath Turnips

DESSERTS

 Sour Grapes

Essex Mandarins

Nutty Slack

Cabinet Pudding

Eton Mess

Bombe Surprise

Finchley Blue Cheese And Crackers

DRINKS

 Bitter Pils

Chateau Callaghan 1979

Privatised Port

Coffee And Humbugs

Catering supplied by Nigel Lawson

Handbags at Dawn

Putting The Fun In Funeral

OK, OK, I take it all back! Mrs/Lady/Baroness Thatcher was the best thing that ever happened to this country!!!

Not only was she an attractive, sexy woman, but she also single-handedly beat off hordes of filthy, revolting miners, the entire, unwashed Irish nation, the disgusting, money-grabbing union types and the loony socialist lefties who wanted us all to become part of the USSR, AND, let us not forget, THE ARGIES!!!!!!!!!

Of course, I was a mere twinkle in Mr Eastcliff Snr's eye for most of her reign. But having read up on her a bit, I now know she was the Iron Lady who put the 'Great' back in 'Great Britain' and bestowed upon us the fabulous wealth that we enjoy today.

Frankly a state funeral is nowhere near enough of a tribute to the woman. Nothing short of sainthood and an airport named after her would be sufficient to commemorate her magnificent achievements. In fact I have today started a petition to rename our very own RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Schipol International Airport as the RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport. You can't say fairer than that.

My volte face is, natch, nothing to do with the fact that I today received my invitation to what is being described as 'the funeral of the century', along with my other old showbiz chums Jeremy, Jeffrey, Dame Shirley, Sir Andy, Sir Terry, Sir Brucie, Sir Trevorie and Sir Davidie. Together we're planning to give her a good, old-fashioned, hoofing send-off. The rumour is I may even be called upon to render my tribute version of 'Candle In The Wind'. 'Twould be an honour, Ma'am!

The Lady Is For Burning

In Memoriam
Margaret Thatcher
Former Tory Prime Minister and Society Denier

So, farewell
Then Margaret Thatcher.

'The lady's not for turning!'
That was
Your catchphrase.
And 'There is no such thing as society.'

Keith's Dad says you invented
Mr Whippy ice cream.

And that he made
Loadsa money when you
Privatised the Gas Board.

Hopefully the current
Price of gas
Will not delay
Your departure
Via Finchley Crematorium.

E. C. Richard (29)

Going Dutch

I see Councillor Biggles is getting his joystick in a lather over on Thanet Life about the new KLM flights that began today from the Ile's RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Schipol International Airport.

Bizarrely, I find myself in agreement with our very own teeny-tiny banner-tugger for once!

After all, Thanet is now connected to everywhere in the world, and soon we'll be swamped with gazillions of foreign visitors, all cramming their way onto the island to get a glimpse of our lovely attractions! According to a UKIP pamphlet which flopped through my letterbox this morning, at least 29 million of them will be coming from Bulgaria and Romania! Hurrah!

Of course, I won't be using the service myself as I have my own private Lear jet permanently parked at RAFLKMMTESIA, ready to thrust me off to my other homes in Provence, Bali and the Virgin Islands. But at least this latest development means the radar will work and the runway will be swept. And all with only a £100,000 subsidy from our taxpayers' pockets. Just the ticket!

Spam Makes Me Sick

Holy chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added, salt, water, modified potato starch and sodium nitrite! This flipping comment spam is giving me the irits!

Seriously, it's taken the fun out of blogging since my last comeback tour in 2012. So until Blogger, Google and all those nerds in Mountain View, California do something to stop the rot, I've decided to throw the 100% Egyptian cotton towel in. Again.

Be seeing you!

East Kent Bids For City Of Culture 2017

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Arts Correspondent Jenny Tals

Culture vultures across the isle are celebrating the news that East Kent has thrown its hat into the ring to become UK City of Culture 2017!

The bid will see East Kent competing against the likes of Aberdeen, Chester, Hastings and Bexhill, Hull, Leicester, Plymouth, Portsmouth and Southampton, Swansea Bay, Sarfend, London, Paris and New York! (Er, those last two aren't in the UK - Ed.)

East Kent Head of Arts and Culture Mary Hinge, who's heading up the pitch for the area, told the Gazunder it was a great opportunity to showcase Thanet's burgeoning arts scene. 'What with the Turner Contemporary, links with Tracey Emin, and the Turner Contemporary, Margate is fast becoming the centre of the arts universe,' said Hinge. 'There's so much going on, it's like an explosion in a custard factory!!!'

She added that 'Explosion in a Custard Factory', by 23 year old Lithuanian artist Biggas Lottadudu-Ueverseenas, which is currently showing at the Turner, would be one of the keystones of the bid. Rejecting claims that East Kent is not technically a city, Hinge added: 'If there's taxpayers' money up for grabs, it could be a banana for all I care.'

Highlights of Thanet's culture bid will include:

•  Exhibition of 3D pavement art by the Thanet Pit Bull Owners Club
•  'Stella Mountain', a new site-specific installation designed by the Premier Convenience Store Customers' Collective
•  'Concrete Sticks in a Row', a permanent installation on Ramsgate seafront by reclusive Swiss artists' commune SFP
•  Thanet Tories have pledged to hand out free planning permission, should they get back into power by 2017, to any artist with an idea for an installation who turns up with a back pocket full of 50s and plane tickets to 'somewhere nice'.

 That's enough culture - Ed.

One of the high points of Margate's cultural year - the annual

Sticking Your Head in a Box and Bad Anagrams Show

UPDATE 19 June 2013: It didn't even make it into the final four. Click here for more.

Porridge

How I miss my old showbiz chum - the late, great, lovely, dear Ronnie Barker! So in the light of recent events I thought it only fitting to cobble together carefully craft this tribute to what must be regarded as his seminal oeuvre. Baftas and RTS Awards all round!

Ask Sister Assumpta - Banged Up Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your incarceration problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Phillip the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doin' bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 18 munfs in chokey. Is it true that I shood of told the carncil I loaned me mate the money fer the 'arse? S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer feckin' eejit, yer a cute hoor and no mistake! Yer made a terrible hames of running the feckin' council yer feckin' gobshite, so don't be giving me any of yer guff. Yer've made a holy show of yerself, so hump off before I give yer a puck in the gob!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Sandy the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doing bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 12 munfs in chokey. Is it true that me mate shood of told the carncil that 'e loaned me the money fer the 'arse? P.

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus! Feck yer, yer feckin' bollocks. If yer gonna do everything arseways, yer bound to make a bags of it, yer mentaller. Now shut yer cuntin' cakehole yer dry shite or I'll chuck a gollier at yer knackers!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the leader of the Conservative faction of a certain local authority in the South East of England. In the past few years my members have suffered a series of misfortunes, including convictions for misconduct in public office and drink-driving, police investigations over collusion with property developers, castigations over foul-mouthed and unseemly behaviour in public, allegations of falsifying records, absenteeism (Panama), homophobia and cat killing to name but a few. For the life of me, I can't understand why we are no longer in power. Is there anything we can do to make ourselves more popular? B.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me backwards through a threshin' machine, yer great arsin' tool! Yer goin' around like a constipated greyhound! Yer think yer the cat's pyjamas, but yer got a face like the the Earl of Hell's arse! Go lick it off a scabby leg!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Breaking News - Sandy Bagged!

My spies (er, everyone on Twatter that is), are reporting that the jury at Maidstone Crown Court has found Our Sandy (former Tory TDC leader Sandy Ezekiel) guilty on all four charges of misconduct whilst holding a public office, with his co-accused Phillip Emanuel found guilty of aiding and abetting. The charges related to iffy property dealings in Margate Old Town, and failure to disclose his property interests to the council.

Not that anyone who overheard Sandy's frequent boasts about how he was 'going to make a fucking mint' by buying up property in the Old Town once the Turnip Centre had been given the green light can be in the least bit surprised.

Full details are now running on the Isle of Thanet Gazunder website. Including a quote from Will Scobie, the Mayor of Margate, saying he is 'shocked' and can't remember a councillor being found guilty of misconduct in public office 'in his lifetime'. Bless. He's only 14.

By the way, full marks and a bottle of bubbly to the dauntless Louise Oldfield for sitting through the entire trial and keeping us all up to date via Twitter. Margate doesn't deserve you Louise! Hurry up and defect to the sunny side of the island!

Right, I'm currently redeveloping the old cliff top mansion into 497 luxury apartments, so I'm off to buy some carpets I can afford from Cyril Fraud (one for the oldies there!). Pip pip!

Update: Shagpile's been sentenced to 18 months of Her Majesty's Porridge for each offence, to run concurrently. So that'll be his second all expenses paid trip to somewhere with a big wall in just a few short years! No word yet on whether he's appealing (insert your own joke here).

Headless Chickens Coming Home To Roost?

Holy brown envelopes! Today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder reports that PC Plod is carrying out a wider investigation into corruption at Thanet Duffer Council in the wake of former Tory leader Sandy 'Shagpile' Beach's public misconduct trial!

The woodentops are said to be particularly interested in the 'property deals and personal interests of politicians and public servants, past and present.' Crikey! That should get them quaking in their Gucci boots and revving up the old Land Rover V8s ready for that long overdue trip to Malaga! Talk about brarn envelopes! More like brarn trousers!!???!!!!!??! (Geddit?!!!?!???!!!)

And given yours truly's extensive and, er, insightful coverage of Fannit events during the years under investigation, it's only natural that Inspector Knacker should come knocking on my door for the inside goss. Of course, I have been more than happy to accommodate him. If you have any juicy tips, just email me at the address on the right and I'll pass them on.

Meanwhile I see the great and good have been lining up to vouch for Our Sandy at Maidstone Crown Court, where the jury is still deliberating after two days. (I hear the jury room at Maidstone is well heated, and the tea and biscuits exceptional.) Norf Fannit MP Sir Roger Wind, local booze emporium magnate Sir Frank Thorley, and high-flying, chopper-loving, China Gateway-developing Sir Ken Wills have all stepped up to the plate to testify what a stout-hearted and honest fellow the former Tory leader, famed for his petition tossing at the Margate branch of Edinburgh Woollen Mill and portrayal of the Mayor of Margate as a 'fucking tosser' at a black tie do, is.

Carpet shop proprietor and ex-boxer Sandy denies the charges of misconduct relating to property deals in Margate's Old Town. M'lud.

Which reminds me, where did I put that Tesco bag?!?!???

Update (12:52 Friday 1 March): Sandy and his co-accused Phillip Emanuel have both been found bang to rights! Hurrah!

The Writing's On The Wall

Lord luvva-bleeding-duck!!!!! I go away for a mere year or two, and return to find that our beautiful Great Wall of Ramsgate has been whitewashed by some numpty with a roller and a pot of Wilko's finest! Priceless works of art ruined in less time than it takes to jackhammer a Banksy off the side of Poundland. Grrrrr! And harrumph!

Of course, this being the Ile de Thanet, the most important thing now is to find a politician to blame. My personal preference would be to crucify the duffers who allowed a bunch of faux developers get their grubby mitts on the Pleasurama site in the first place. Once they've been dealt with, we can move on to tarring and feathering the twit with the paint pot, finally reserving the full Edward II treatment for the feeble-minded who think that selling the freehold for the site to SFP is going to lead to any result other than rows of concrete sticks eyesoring our lovely seafront until we're all long dead and buried. Kuh!

Click here for more photos of the desecration on our local Bibliobloke's blog.

Schadenfraude

Lorks! I see my old Fannit Council chum and former Tory Chief Duffer Sandy Beach has been charged with fraud and misconduct in a public office! Who'd have thought!??!?!??

Senior Crown Prosecutor Ken Goss told the Isle of Thanet Gazunder: 'I have today advised Kent Police to charge two men in relation to fraud and misconduct in a public office. It is alleged one of the men improperly used privileged Thanet District Council information in relation to the purchase of two properties.'

Brarn envelopes and wall-to-wall carpets all round!