Monday, March 04, 2013

Ask Sister Assumpta - Banged Up Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your incarceration problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Phillip the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doin' bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 18 munfs in chokey. Is it true that I shood of told the carncil I loaned me mate the money fer the 'arse? S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer feckin' eejit, yer a cute hoor and no mistake! Yer made a terrible hames of running the feckin' council yer feckin' gobshite, so don't be giving me any of yer guff. Yer've made a holy show of yerself, so hump off before I give yer a puck in the gob!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Sandy the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doing bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 12 munfs in chokey. Is it true that me mate shood of told the carncil that 'e loaned me the money fer the 'arse? P.

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus! Feck yer, yer feckin' bollocks. If yer gonna do everything arseways, yer bound to make a bags of it, yer mentaller. Now shut yer cuntin' cakehole yer dry shite or I'll chuck a gollier at yer knackers!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the leader of the Conservative faction of a certain local authority in the South East of England. In the past few years my members have suffered a series of misfortunes, including convictions for misconduct in public office and drink-driving, police investigations over collusion with property developers, castigations over foul-mouthed and unseemly behaviour in public, allegations of falsifying records, absenteeism (Panama), homophobia and cat killing to name but a few. For the life of me, I can't understand why we are no longer in power. Is there anything we can do to make ourselves more popular? B.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me backwards through a threshin' machine, yer great arsin' tool! Yer goin' around like a constipated greyhound! Yer think yer the cat's pyjamas, but yer got a face like the the Earl of Hell's arse! Go lick it off a scabby leg!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.


Anonymous said...

This is brilliant,off to work with a smile on my face.
Oh how we have missed you.

Anonymous said...

Ah Sister, it's so good to have you back. If you can't get a better job in Rome, then stay and give us the benefits of your blessings!

Anonymous said...

Three Hail Marys for you Sister!

Anonymous said...

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck off the lot of yer!

Anonymous said...

I am a cardinal who just can’t resist groping other men in dresses, what would you advise sister.

Anonymous said...

There could be a job in Thanet for Sister Assumpta if a certain local editor's appointment with the beak doesn't go well.

Tony Ovenden said...

Sister Assumpta have you got any inside information who is going to be the next Pope so I can put a bet on at the bookies.

Gypsy Jack said...

Very entertaining ECR.

The Infamous Five by ECR appears to be a work in progress.

Don't forget, when you develop the plot, to include blood diamonds.

Gypsy Jack said...

Back when Sandy sacked a cllr for falling short of Thanet tory standards seems ironic now ?

Anonymous said...

Dear Sister

I so wish you were here with me in the Sistine Chapel offering me your counsel on how to vote in this fecking election. I've been sticking pins in a wooden globe trying to narrow down my choices, but it's no good. Should I stick with tradition and go for white European, or be bold and go for Africa or Latin America - or even Asia?

I've been praying - of course - but I've also been talking to some young people out and about in Rome and asking for their input. They've let me have it quite forcefully, I can tell you, and they've left me with much to reflect on in the hours of darkness when the names and faces of the front-runners are parading through my mind.

The stress, oh the stress. I lie here thinking of a future in a lovely little cottage in the country, free of wll the pressures and responsibilities that flow from the Archbishopric.

And to you in your lovely corner of Kent, please hold me in your thoughts. And that includes the RC Councillors - or is there just the one? - who have so much to do to improve the lot of you Thanetians. Spare some of your energy for me, and think of me next time you're up in the air, smoothing your helmet into place, and pushing your joystick forward to accelerate into the wide blue yonder.

Cardinal Caramac Musty O'Byrne

Anonymous said...

Sister Assumpta writes: Don't tell me, yer've forgotten to pack yer feckin' johnnies again, yer ballbag.