The Writing's On The Wall

Lord luvva-bleeding-duck!!!!! I go away for a mere year or two, and return to find that our beautiful Great Wall of Ramsgate has been whitewashed by some numpty with a roller and a pot of Wilko's finest! Priceless works of art ruined in less time than it takes to jackhammer a Banksy off the side of Poundland. Grrrrr! And harrumph!

Of course, this being the Ile de Thanet, the most important thing now is to find a politician to blame. My personal preference would be to crucify the duffers who allowed a bunch of faux developers get their grubby mitts on the Pleasurama site in the first place. Once they've been dealt with, we can move on to tarring and feathering the twit with the paint pot, finally reserving the full Edward II treatment for the feeble-minded who think that selling the freehold for the site to SFP is going to lead to any result other than rows of concrete sticks eyesoring our lovely seafront until we're all long dead and buried. Kuh!

Click here for more photos of the desecration on our local Bibliobloke's blog.

Light Not Fantastic

My spies in our teeny-tiny council here in the Millionaires' Playground tell me that some consternation was engendered at the last meeting when one of their number looked up and spotted the council chamber's substantial chandelier dangling by a thread! Or electrical wire in this case.

Quite why the thing wasn't bolted to a joist is a mystery. After all, as the above clip demonstrates, even Del Boy knows that's the proper way to do it.

You'd have thought that the recent renovation of the Custom House, where the council sits, would have been done to top notch standards, especially given the fact that it was aided by a grant from the Ramsgate Seafront Townscape Heritage Initiative Scheme. Oh well, what do you expect from the people who also accidentally demolished the Grade II listed Marina Restaurant on the front!

And talking of council premises (and backs of vans), another spy has sent me these pics of what looks like period furniture being bundled out of Albion House and into the back of an auctioneer's van early yesterday morning. If you recall, Ramsgate Town Council stuck two fingers up at Thanet Council earlier this year and shifted from Albion House to the Custom House.

I wonder who's flogging what are, after all, our assets? TDC or RTC? I think we should be told!

How Many Councillors Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

More than 16, it would seem, if this photo I was sent is anything to go by. It's from the interior of Ramsgate's teeny-tiny council HQ at the new Old Custom House, where only three bulbs on these magnificent chandeliers appear to be working.

I know some councillors can barely make it to the full 40 watts on their own account, but you'd think they'd want their brand new building to look a bit flasher than this! If they're bent on saving dosh and going Green (Geddit!?!???!) then they could invest in some of those energy saving bulbs that go on until the last trump and cost 3p a year to illuminate.

What with this and the lights out on the East Pier, it's all a sad cry from the days when the Millionaires' Playground prided itself on its illuminations. As we saw recently from our local biblio-bloke's blog, a mere 60 years ago our Mayor was proudly switching on 25,000 coloured lamps and expressing the hope that Ramsgate might become the Blackpool of the south, or that in future Blackpool might be known as the Ramsgate of the north.

I suppose these days the boast would be we're the black hole of Thanet!

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Who Is The Tallest Celebrity Of Them All?

I'm indebted to the Gazunder's intrepid, investigative reporter Thom Morris for pointing me in the direction of the Drinkstuff website, where he wanted me to purchase a lifesize replica of a Tyrannosuarus Rex for him. A mere snip at £28,950.63. Sorry Thom, I'm a bit short of folding at the moment, having spent most of my capital on my latest blockbuster - Smell the Profit for the Polish Cheese Board.

It's an interesting site, though, where you can buy everything from a set of Homer Simpson fairy lights for your PC, to a 'Moaner Lisa' Orgasmic Bottle Opener. As a sleb of some standing, who spends many a happy hour staring at his own reflection, the Who Tall Are You? Mirror particularly caught my eye, as did the chirpy salesmanship of the blurb:

If standard mirrors are looking a bit stale to you these days [Um...] and the simple image of your reflection has lost the fun factor, [Can't say it has, actually] then get your home equipped with something a little bit more fun! [Er, righto!]

Exactly who tall are you? Which celebrities do you measure up to? This portrait mirror from Suck UK features 120 famous names for you to measure yourself against! With names as varied as Jennifer Lopez, Mother Teresa, David Hasslehoff and Gary Coleman, you will have hours of fun measuring your friends and family to see who matches who! [And presumably if you don't have any friends or family, you could just bend your knees up and down a bit, thrilling at the sight of being diddy Bruce Lee one moment, and Amazonian Anne Donovan the next.]

Er, yes. Hours and hours and hours of, um, fun. As you can see from the photo, the luvvly lady standing in the graffitied public khazi, who is clearly coming towards the, er, end of her hours of fun, has discovered to her evident delight that she is the same height as Tom Baker, who in turn is the same height as Snoop Dogg. Six foot three. Yes. Hours of fun, that.

Celeb-o-mirror
Lifesize T Rex

From Newfoundland To Poundland

I'm indebted to my regular correspondent Mr Dickens of Broadstairs for suggesting the headline for this item. Yes indeed, dear reader, I have drunk Canada dry and have now staggered back onto Thanetian soil!

I must say, I was expecting to see bunting and the massed bands of the 1st Thanetian Sea Scouts. But it appears my return has gone unremarked and uncelebrated. However, I've turned comments back on so you can send your messages of goodwill and congratulations. Along, no doubt, with the occasional 'prick', 'c*nt' and 'paedo'!

Posted from Ramsgate via Royal Mail

Santa Gord

Ordinarily at this time of year I would, of course, be rehearsing for my Big Down Under tour, or preparing to pull off my festive Twankey at the Neasden Hippodrome. Alas, however, despite many a meeting with casting directors and agents, the only shouts of 'It's behind you!' appear to be referring to my career. Yes, I'm afraid it's true dear reader. What with that, my shrunken assets, and my credit all crunched, I stand before you a much impoverished millionaire. More like a half millionaire. Or perhaps a quarter millionaire. In Zimbabwean dollars. The old ones. Before they revalued. Sniff. Er, anyhow...

So words are not enough to thank our lovely Labour government for the sackful of goodies they gave away in the Queen's speech yesterday! I need no longer worry about my cliff top mansion being repossessed, and they'll provide me with all the Krug and caviar I can quaff. All I have to do is ask! Praise the Gord! Here's what else is on the list I just posted to 'Santa, c/o 10 Downing Street':

1. Bentley Continental Flying Toss (silver)
2. Beach house in Malibu (for hob-nobbing with other celebs)
3. Mont Blanc pen to replace the one I lost in Joss Bay two years ago
4. Two hours of private shopping in Harrods
5. Perpetual free pass to the Ivy

Hurrah! I just know this is going to be the best Christmas ever!

Foreign Legion

Blimey! Thanet's premier town was rammed this afternoon! Numbers appeared to have been boosted by an influx of overseas students. Kuh! And you can see 'em a mile off, can't you? You can't, you say? Well then, here are my top ten tell-tale signs for spotting your teenage Johnny Foreigner:

1. Jaw not slack
2. Normal weight for age and height
3. Not tugging pit bull on string (male) or pushing pram (female)
4. Smartly dressed with no sign of Primark track suit pants
5. Absence of tattoos saying 'Dad'
6. Not carrying Costcutter bag full of White Lightning cans
7. Hair untainted by bleach
8. No large 'gold' chains
9. Not munching chips whilst screaming 'ASHLEY'
10. Looks unlikely to have banged in six inch nails with own head

There. So next time you're out and about give them my regards and wish them a jolly 'Bonjour'!

Richard's Thanisaurus

Following the sackful of emails I received after publishing a few helpful Thanetian phrases for our water skiing visitors this week, I've been persuaded to produce a Richard's Thanisaurus. The aim of my Thanisaurus will be to collect terms and phrases unique to our lovely little island here in the tip of Kent. You'll find a new definition in my sidebar each day, which you can cut out and keep to form a beautiful, leather bound volume (leather binding £35.95 at all good WH Smiths). If you have any suggestions, email me at richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk

In other news, I've removed the Heras temporary fencing counter-uppy thingo from the sidebar as, barring the odd zit or two, much of it has now gone from the East Cliff at least. Also, I see from our local biblio-bloke's excellent blog that there's a meeting of the RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport Consultative Committee this afternoon at 2pm. Apparently it's not open to the public (why?), but if you want to get up there and make your voices heard over the racket I can't see any reason not to. Who knows, perhaps Iron Maiden frontman and Astraeus Airlines pilot Bruce Dickinson will be there to give you a quick chorus of Run to the Hills!

Brewing Up A Storm?

Not exactly 'flaming June' is it? Nope. Well, Wimbledon starts this month so what do you expect? After last week's free fireworks show I thought I'd better check the excellent Ipswich-based Storm Tracker to see if anything was brewing, and sure enough there do seem to be some thundery events trundling over the Channel from France as you can see from the grab above. You can find Storm Tracker in my sidebar on the right, along with all sorts of other useful stuff including Thanet events listings, local weather and tides.

Last week's doozy of a storm, described in Friday's Gazunder by none other than local pub millionaire Frank Thorley as the worst he'd ever seen, caused blackouts, flooding and fires across the island. Personally, barring the damage caused of course, I'm a fan of thunderstorms. Nothing better than watching lightning streak across the sky. Or 'lightening' as the Gazunder insisted on calling it across four pages of coverage. Lovely. Or should that be 'luvverly'?

Click here to check Storm Tracker

Thanet Is Bad For Your Health - Official!

Holy heart by-passes! The latest NHS snapshot on the health of the nation makes for scary reading for those of us who live in the tip of Kent. Here's what it says about us Thanetians:

· Life expectancy is increasing, but on average, men and women in Thanet can expect to live shorter lives than in England. (Yikes!).
· Teenage pregnancy rates are high compared to the England average. (Cripes!)
· The rate of reported violent crime is higher than England. (Do you Wantsum???)
· Estimated smoking rates and death rates from smoking are both high. Early death rates from cancer are also higher than the England average. Levels of healthy eating, physical activity and adult obesity are similar to national levels. (Shurely shome mishtake? - Ed) However binge drinking is estimated to be below the England average (because we're all permanently stocious, one assumes). More people are admitted to hospital in Thanet for alcohol specific conditions than the England average. Both the percentage of people with recorded diabetes and the rate of people claiming sickness benefit because of mental health problems are high compared to England. (Blimey!)

That's it, I'm off to Tunbridge Wells, where:

· Life expectancy is increasing and is above the average life expectancy for England. There are differences in life expectancy between income groups. (Hurrah!)
· Although the death rate from smoking is low, smoking accounts for around 150 deaths every year. Early death rates from heart disease and stroke are low compared to England. (Yippee!)
· Lifestyles are comparatively healthy with estimated binge drinking and smoking rates below the England average. The land required to support an average resident’s lifestyle in Tunbridge Wells is greater than the average for England (ecological footprint). Although the percentage of people with recorded diabetes in Tunbridge Wells is lower than the England average, over 3,200 people are recorded as having diabetes. (I can live with that!)

Report on BBC website.
NHS Community Health Profiles.