Earner Burner

Flaming heck! It seems that our beloved council has just spent £1.5m on revamping Margate Crematorium, according to their latest press release. Unusually for The Duffers it was brought in on time and under budget.

Among the improvements are a back-up generator, new electric coffin trolleys, new CCTV, a new staff canteen and a new cold store facility (let's hope there's a degree of separation between the latter two). They've also managed to cut emissions by 100%. Hurrah!

But tucked away in the small print is this little gem: 'Installation of heat exchanger to run heating from excess heat from filtration equipment which will massively reduce utilities cost.'

Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that when your beloved Aunt Doris goes up in smoke, she'll be helping to pay TDC's utility bills! 

Hmmm. I wonder if they'll offer a discount for bulk? My Uncle Gerald's really not very well at the moment, and he's an enormous fat bastard. He should help keep the heating on for at least a couple of days. And luckily the refit includes 'the ability to cremate larger bariatric coffins'!

The Lady Is For Burning

In Memoriam
Margaret Thatcher
Former Tory Prime Minister and Society Denier

So, farewell
Then Margaret Thatcher.

'The lady's not for turning!'
That was
Your catchphrase.
And 'There is no such thing as society.'

Keith's Dad says you invented
Mr Whippy ice cream.

And that he made
Loadsa money when you
Privatised the Gas Board.

Hopefully the current
Price of gas
Will not delay
Your departure
Via Finchley Crematorium.

E. C. Richard (29)

Thousands Watch Boat Burn In Broadstairs

Ha ha! No, not another of those 'earner burners' that are our speciality here in the tip of Kent. No, reader Colin writes:

Hi Ricky! As if to prove the old dictum that they'd flock to the opening of an envelope in Boredstares, there must have been thousands lining the cliff tops last night to watch a very small Viking boat being set on fire on the beach in Viking Bay.

Apparently it was all in aid of the 100th anniversary of Bradstow School and supported by Wandsworth Council and those Mears people who do public sector building maintenance, who had even brought a film crew all the way from Manchester to capture the momentous event. I suspect they won't be doing that in future, once Eric Pickles has got hold of them.

The cops were out in force, bumping up their overtime and pensions by ensuring the serried ranks of octogenarians didn't start a riot, but they were almost outnumbered by the health and safety police who had everything cordoned off. The fire brigade were also there just to make sure the boat didn't set fire to the sand or the sea. The do-gooders also apparently insisted the fireworks went off at 9:15, in broad daylight, which rather spoilt the effect if you ask me.

It struck me, seeing the Viking Warlord's body being placed on the boat and then set fire to, that this would be an appropriate send-off for a local amusement park magnate who seems to have a lot of bad luck with insured property being burnt down, as and when his time comes!

All the best, Colin

Well Colin, I take your point about Eric Pickles. With 25% to slash off local government budgets it would seem obvious that the axe should fall on events first. They aren't really an 'essential service', are they? Besides, with all the talented, professional people (moi) round here who are prepared to organise better things at no cost to the taxpayer, surely the private sector should be getting first dibs!

Muddy Waters

Regular readers will know that I often tool around our lovely Royal Harbour in my captain's cap, deck shoes and brass buttoned blazer, cheerily waving my Rolex at all the salty seamen in our naval basin.

On one such occasion earlier this week, I was shocked by the amount of water in the harbour. Er, there wasn't any! I know the tides have been particularly low recently, but there was so little of the beautiful briny in the outer reaches that I'm sure it would be preferable for any craft entering the harbour to be equipped with brakes rather than an anchor.

Now I know El Presidente and his jurassic junta have initiated a costly dredging programme in the port in preparation for the arrival of LD Lines' giant superduperferry Ostend Spirit later in the month. But what about the harbour and marina? Are they preparing to turn it into yet another car park? Or has some local developer chum of theirs put down a brarn envelope deposit on planning permission for a block of luxury flats on the land that's accumulating there? Deputy Rodge is on the record as saying: 'The council is undertaking a major investment programme in the Port and the Marina, the future regeneration initiatives will create jobs and facilitate future investment. This is good news for Ramsgate which, we are convinced, has a very exciting future ahead.' So when do the harbour and marina get the half a mill dredging treatment, eh Rodge? And, um, where's the dosh coming from?

Let's hope some water arrives before Ramsgate becomes the new Davos on 17 March. Yep, that's right, top City firm Bloomberg New Energy Finance is coming to the Millionaires' Playground in a couple of weeks as part of its third annual summit, described as 'the new Davos' (the Swiss resort where I and the rest of the world's economic elite club together once a year). 400 guests and 75 speakers will descend on the Saatchi Gallery, the Science Museum, the London Olympic Park and, er, Thanet Offshore Wind.

As well as some water in the harbour, hopefully there'll also be some businesses left in the harbour arches for the bigwigs to browse in. A bird tells me the Duffers have stopped renewing their leases. Why?

Click here to read more about the dredging in Dredging News
Click here to read more about Ramsgate - the new Davos!

Ferry Sad News

I'm not normally one to plaster death notices all over my blog willy-nilly, but now that it's been officially confirmed you might care to know that Mr Denzil Dias, the founder and owner of TransEuropa Ferries, has, er, rolled on to meet his maker, having rolled off this mortal coil earlier in the month.

Ownership of the line has passed to his two sons, who were thought not to have any interest in things nautical, although I see they're now saying it will be 'business as usual'. Let's hope they don't change their minds again, and that Port Ramsgate's only customer stays afloat!

Click here to read TransEuropa story in Ferry News

Let's Shoot The Harbour Master!

Not the new slogan for the Sunseeker Owners' Club's Campaign for Real Dredging. No, somebody wants to make one of those fly-on-the-wall series about our port and Royal Harbour!

Given my experience in the TV game, and my prominence on the interdoo-da regarding all things Ramsgate, it's not surprising I get approached by production companies after a bit of free advice. If you recall, last year I was in discussions with a TV outfit that had the rather outlandish idea of making Ramsgate - The Musical. Now a researcher for the people who bring you such student cult classics Cash in the Attic and Car Booty has sent me the following email:

I'm after some stories about the port of Ramsgate. Although the council can provide me with (limited) statistics, it's more annecdotal stuff I'm after. The reason I'm asking, is that we may be doing an observational documentary about the Port of Ramsgate, but I need to know if there's enough going on there to fill a series of programmes.

I'm not sure how many jolly, fat, gay men with goatees or homicidal bottle blondes work down the port, but go on...

What's the story with the Ferries? What's the main reason people catch them? Is it mainly booze cruises? Someone mentioned antique hunters as well. What's the draw of Ostend/Belgium?

You may well ask.

Illegal immigrants. What have been the main busts? What else has been memorable in this area? I heard about a Russian people smuggler sentenced recently.

Yikes!

Is there a lot of activity with regards to (the aforementioned)? We can fill programmes with human interest stories, but obviously it would be great to have stories related to the unique challenges working in a port provides? Any help you can provide would be appreciated.

So, anyone got any answers? The researcher concludes:

If you can keep this to yourself for the time being.

Oh dear. Didn't notice that bit before. Me and my big mouth!

Tate That

Apologies to the hoard (Degsy) who are clearly gagging for the next thrilling instalment of 'Dr Richdiet Says...' but I've been called down to the tip of Cornwall by my old arts chums at Tate St. Ives. Something about urgently needing something hung well. Or was it someone well hung? It escapes me now. So you'll have to wait a couple of days to hear more of the Teutonic apparatchik's valediction to Thanet Council. Crumbs! I think I might have swallowed a dictionary for breakfast!

The Tate has worked miracles for St. Ives and the surrounding area, just like the Turnip Centre will undoubtedly do for Thanet. When I was in St. Ives a couple of months ago I got into a conversation with the lady who's run the fudge shop on the front since Cocky was an egg, and she was positively effusive.

'They're trying to build an extension. We've all petitioned against it, but it won't do any bloody good,' she proclaimed. 'But it must have benefited the area?' I countered. 'Oh yes. You get the arty types and the surfers now. But they don't buy fudge. They come in and ask if they can have a small slice to taste it.' Proof, then, of the boom times ahead for Margate!

Tip To Toe

Ordinarily, of course, I would have been at Royal Ascot this week. I suppose my invite from Sir Alan must have got lost in the post this year.

I have, however, received an irresistible offer from my old chums at the Penzance Arts Club to join them for the last knockings of the Golowan Festival, so I've charged up the Prius and plan to make an early start in the morning. Oh, didn't I tell you I traded the TT in for one of those? All the celebs are driving them these days, don't you know!

The toe of Cornwall rather reminds me of our own tip of Kent, but with a bit more oooh arrr. Penzance in the south is a charming and thriving harbour town, while on the north side St Ives boasts a long artistic tradition and a splendid gallery built by those people who make the golden syrup. It was completed on the site of the town's former gas works in 1993 with nary a hitch, attracts a quarter of a million visitors each year, and has even recently announced plans for an extension. Hmm, perhaps that's where the similarity ends.

See you around the middle of next week. Or you never know, if you're lucky I might send you a postcard!