Great Wall Comes Tumbling Down

Or, to purloin another musical metaphor, Hey Jude!

Well, only one tile went missing from the roof here at the old cliff top mansion during the Great Storm Of 2013, which I regard as a bit of a result. But a tour of the Millionaires' Playground in the Toyota Priapus this morning revealed that GO'D's own Great Wall failed to make it though the night, leaving the Pleasurama Eyesore looking more like The Great Hairy Mound Of Ramsgate.

A team of crack Cardy-ologists are already on the scene, making good with the wood, so hopefully the winner of the All-Comers Badly Painted Krankies Lookalikes Competition 2011 will be back in its rightful upright position soon!

I suspect a few other nosey bloggers have taken the opportunity to wander around the open site, checking the foundations of cliff walls etc, you'll probably be hearing from them shortly.

Meanwhile, around town, there seemed to be little damage apart from the odd fallen branch. Oh, and the beach appears to be in the process of reclaiming our lovely, but deserted, port!

Gale Warning

Cripes! I would sooooo like to turn this into a caption competition, but my wolf pack of highly trained legal beagles have advised against it. Hey-ho.

With the St Jude storm about to hit our septic isle and mash everything to a gelatinous pulp, one of my correspondents has alerted me to another blast of dreadful wind which emanated from Sir Roger Gale, Member of Parliament for Fannit Norf since 1874, in the House of Commons this week.

As usual, Sir Rodge was guffing on about the airport in his customary, swivel-eyed manner (anyone recall his plan to turn Manston into the London Olympics Airport? Nope, nobody does, as it never happened.) Here's the entire text of his latest meanderings from Hansard:

I am delighted to see you in the Chair this afternoon, Madam Deputy Speaker. I am grateful to the hon. Member for Liverpool, Riverside (Mrs Ellman) for generating the opportunity for us to debate something of absolute national importance. Finally, I am pleased to see my hon. Friend the Minister on the Front Bench and welcome him to his new job. I look forward to welcoming him to Kent in the not-too-distant future - he does not know that, but it is going to happen.

I do not want to rerun yesterday's debate either, but during the debate on air passenger duty, the hon. Member for Blackley and Broughton (Graham Stringer) referred to the loss of business to Schiphol and Charles de Gaulle - he might have added Frankfurt - and several other locations in Europe. This is crucial for the economy of the UK. We cannot gainsay the fact that the economic hub of the nation is in London. There is much good business in Manchester, Birmingham and Scotland, but the place that people have got used to interlining through, and therefore also doing business in, is London.

Frequently people just change planes, but equally frequently they stop over. Because they are coming through London, they take the opportunity to take in a show or do business in the City of London. It is not just the thousands of jobs at Heathrow or Gatwick that are at stake and which we could lose to mainland Europe; this is about all the other, ancillary jobs, and the tourism and business that go with them. The cost to the country from the loss of aviation business in the south-east to mainland Europe is almost inestimable.

A long time ago, I upset my right hon. Friend the Member for Saffron Walden (Sir Alan Haselhurst) when I championed the cause of the airport at Stansted. I remember saying then, "It's not Heathrow or Stansted; it's Stansted or Schiphol." That is even truer today than it was then. If I need to underscore that point, KLM Royal Dutch Airlines and Air France are now flying from Manston, in Kent, twice daily to Schiphol, as they are from a number of other regional airports. They are not doing that for fun; they are doing it because they can see there is business to be taken, from the south-east of England in particular, to Schiphol to interline and to go on to all the other places in the world - literally, anywhere that it is possible to fly to from Schiphol. We cannot afford to sacrifice that business.

This debate is about aviation strategy, but my worry is that there is no aviation strategy. There is a commission, and Sir Howard Davies will do his job and report by 2015. Then there will be a debate and more discussion, and there will not be another strip of tarmac or another building, or a Boris island, for 20 years. That is how long it will take. We are losing business today - not tomorrow, in a year's time or in five years' time, but today. As we speak, business is transferring from the United Kingdom to the mainland European airports. We cannot afford to sustain that loss.

On the doorstep of London there is a place called Manston, in Kent. It has the fourth longest runway in the country - it has taken Concorde and wide-body jets - and it is available now. I am not suggesting for one moment that Manston could or should be another London airport, but I believe it could have a major role to play. In, I think, 2005 - I stand to be corrected - the right hon. Member for Edinburgh South West (Mr Darling) published his White Paper on the future of aviation in the south-east, but since then nothing at all has happened in any meaningful or constructive form, apart from perhaps another terminal at Heathrow. I put it to him at the time that Manston was available, and I was told, "No, it's too far from London" - 76 miles.

Let us think about that. Manston is quite a long way - it is further than Gatwick and Heathrow. Actually, it is not, at least not in time. I hope we will eventually finish High Speed 1- my hon. Friend the Minister might have a hand in that. Indeed, I have travelled on the existing line, with old rolling stock, in under an hour from central London to Manston, and if that was possible then, with High Speed 1, it is even more possible today. We can get the journey time down to about 50 minutes. It takes more than 50 minutes to get from central London to Heathrow and almost as long to get to Gatwick. Therefore, in terms of time rather than distance, which is what matters to the traveller, Manston is viable.

So what do we have? We have an airport sitting in Kent, out on the peninsular, relatively out of harm's way in terms of overflying, available today and under new ownership - Manston was sold and bought last week. Its future was in a bit of doubt because it was on the market, but it has now been bought, so it is secure, at least for the foreseeable future. Manston is there and I say to my hon. Friend the Minister and the House that we have to buy time if we are not going to lose more jobs. Manston is never going to be another London airport. What Manston can do is take traffic from Gatwick to release capacity, allow Gatwick to take traffic from Heathrow and free up the capacity there, which is what we need in the short term while the Government take long-term decisions. Manston is a national asset - not a regional or local asset - and we need to use it now. This country cannot afford to waste it.

If you haven't died from a boredom-induced stroke (quite how Our Roger kept the bright young things tuned in during his stint as a pirate DJ in the 60s is beyond me!), you'll have seen that he perpetuates one or two inaccuracies there. Did you spot them? No?

Well how about '(Manston is) relatively out of harm's way in terms of overflying'? Oh well, perhaps geography isn't his strong point. 'Is secure for the foreseeable future'? Business and commerce not a strong point either, clearly. Unless by 'foreseeable future' he means the end of next month.

'Fourth longest runway in the country?' Er, it's the 14th longest, actually.

No wonder the bigwigs in That London don't take Sir Roger seriously. They've twigged he's about as reliable as Michael Fish!

Speaking of which, I'd better tool off and batten down the hatches here at the old cliff top mansion. Let's hope nothing blows off during the night!!

End Of An ERA

With millionaires steadily deserting Ramsgate's sunny East Cliff for the artificially warmer climes of the Arsonists' Playground, it appears that the local residents' association has gone down the gurgler.

Which is a shame, as the ERA was instrumental in tarting up the area, not least by installing lovely girls on the Festival of Britain fountain on the front!

Still, it's not all doom and gloom, as there are still many civic-minded souls emailing me daily with their thoughts, discoveries and issues here on the trendy east side of town. So I've pulled together a round-up of the latest news, and called it The Round-Up Of The Latest East Cliff News!

A spate of graffiti has recently affected the East Cliff...

Apparently the Duffers' finest have been alerted and their crack team of graffiti removalists will be on the case soon.

One of the tykes that threw stones and smashed the glass in our lovely, restored shelter has apparently fessed up to the cozzers, and will no doubt spend the rest of his life in clink.

Finally, the pulhamite on the Grade II listed Winterstoke rock gardens is cracking...

This is apparently due to neglected, overgrown trees and mature shrubs, as the rocks and terraces were only intended to hold small plants.

Mind you, I was in Boredstares yesterday, now there's a place that really is looking shabby!

And that's The Round-Up Of The Latest East Cliff News!

A Fine Way To Welcome Visitors

One of my foreign spies has emailed me in disgust at the way he's been treated recently by Thanet's parking Nazis attendants.

Arriving here in lovely Ramsgate on Saturday, our friend from across the water checked into the Travelodge on the harbour and parked in the Leopold Street multi-storey. Which, as we know, is free on Saturdays, so no need for a ticket. My correspondent continues:

We had a great time and spent a lot of money in the local pubs and a restaurant. After having a breakfast in the hotel we left at 08.30 in the morning only to find a fine attached to the windscreen. The attendant wrote the fine at 7.30AM. So Leopold Street is a jackpot for TDC, nobody in the hotel will get up early in the morning to put money in the machine. The proof was the many fines posted on the windscreens, many probably Travelodge guests.

The problem is that if you put moeny in the parking machine on the Saturday, you get a ticket which says you paid for the Saturday, which is free.

He goes on to say that the next time he fancies a sojourn across the Channel, he'll be staying in Deal or Dover, or any of the other locations where you can park for free on a Sunday, and not have to worry about getting up at sparrow's fart to feed a ticket machine.

Clearly the machines need to be re-programmed so that, if you put money in on a Saturday, it gives you credit for Sunday. But then Thanet Council would lose out on some of their £200,000+ a year parking fine revenue, wouldn't they? After all, they need to do something to make up for the zero beach littering fines and four dog mess fines they issued last year!

Our foreign friend signs off with: 'Leopold Street car park also has an unpleasant stench of urine.' He's not wrong there.

15 Facts You Already Knew About Manston

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! We profile the airport that's just been sold for a whopping £1!!! (Shurely shome mishtake? - Ed.)

1. RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Chas & Dave Maggie Thatcher Schipol Poundland International Airport began life in 1915 as an emergency landing strip for the Royal Flying Corps.

2. Contrary to popular belief, RAFLKMMTEC&DMTSPIA does not have 'the longest runway in the UK'. It is, in fact, the 14th longest runway in the country.

3. Also contrary to urban legend, and contrary to what it says on the airport's Wikipedia page, NASA never had any plans to use the airport as an emergency landing strip for the space shuttle.

4. When the previous owners, Kiwi firm Infratil, took over in 2006 after the airport went bust, they predicted it would be breaking even by 2009.

5. In 2007, the airport was said to require millions of pounds worth of investment to sort out its drainage and fuel tanks.

6. Also in 2007, a poll conducted by Eastcliff Richard revealed that 73% of readers found training flights from RAFLKMMTEC&DMTSPIA a nuisance.

7. In 2008, 1500kgs of rotting food was impounded off a cargo flight, including 'fish that was so badly decayed some of it had become liquid'.

8. Also in 2008, Manston based holiday firm Seguro went bust, leaving 2,500 holidaymakers stranded abroad.

9. In 2009, Thanet North MP Sir Roger Gale pushed for Manston to become 'London's Olympic Airport'. 

10. Also in 2009, Infratil reported the airport was losing £4m a year, and were expected to sell it 'within 12 months'.

11. And again in 2009, British Airways World Cargo pulled out of negotiations to base themselves at Manston, preferring Stansted instead.

12. In 2010, regular Manston cargo visitors Meridian and Egyptair were severely reprimanded by the DfT and CAA for serious technical and safety failures.

13. Cargo flights have often been found to conceal contraband. In 2010, 3kg of cocaine was seized off a knackered old jumbo from Ghana.

14. Also in 2010, the airport changed its name, yet again, this time from 'Kent International Airport' to 'Manston - Kent's International Airport.'

15. During the last general election, Thanet North MP Sir Roger Gale came out firmly against night flights at Manston.

That's enough Manston facts - Ed.

Breaking News - Manston Sold For A Song

As recently predicted here on the big blog, RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport has been sold by its Kiwi owners Infartil - for a quid!

The new owners, who made their millions by founding the Stagecoach transport empire, seem more likely to be more interested in buses than planes.

Thanet North MP Sir Roger Wind has trotted out the same trite statement welcoming the new owners that he's trotted out for the previous two, neither of whom could make a go of the place, viz: 'We now have a company taking over the airport that recognises its potential.'

Talk about flogging a dead duck!

Click here for more info on the BBC News website.

Rubbish Rubbish Collection Collection

With our lovely council's new, 'improved' system of bin collection just around the corner, my spies tell me that they're already struggling to cope with two wheelie bins per household, let alone the 4,583 bins we'll each have come November!

A reader from the grimy north of the island writes:

I want to know what happened to our bin men this morning. Everyone's bins were mixed up, are you seriously telling me a man can't take a wheelie bin from a property, empty it, and then return it to where he got it?!!!! Neighbours, including a lady pregnant with twins, have been out trying to find their own bins up and down the street. Apparently there are wide bins and skinny bins - who knew!?! I now possess a skinny one which wasn't mine before they came, but I haven't been able to get out and scour the neighbourhood for a wide-that-I-thought-was-standard-size bin!!!! HMPH!

Well that doesn't really bode well for next month, does it? Let's hope the £2,482,245 The Duffers have spent on a fleet of 15 new bin lorries proves worth it!!

Gimme Shelter

Or more appropriately 'gawd gimme strength', as the rubber-lipped one also no doubt intoned at some point.

According to reader Ben, this damage was done to one of the recently restored shelters here on the East Cliff yesterday afternoon. The vandals were apparently four nippers, aged around nine or ten, who were, er, getting satisfaction out of heaving stones at the shelter.

The rozzers were called and some names have been taken, let's hope they don't have any sympathy for the little devils. (That's enough Rolling Stones tracks - Ed.)

I had been meaning praise the restoration of these Victorian edifices (14 in all along our lovely front), which the Ramsgate Society supervised having won a £500K grant from the Townscape Heritage Initiative. My picture below shows their previous, parlous state, back in ye olden days (2007), after they'd spent a number of years being neglected by that other gang of mindless vandals, Thanet Council.

Snooze Newz

Cripes! All that talk of my kip being interrupted by knackered old jumbos has forced me to reassess the sleeping arrangements here at the old cliff top mansion!

And who better to consult than the Ile's leading bed emporium, Thanet Bedz?!

Their same day delivery and 'honest prices every day' policy make them the ideal place for the discerning, yet mean, millionaire to find that divine divan or superking snoozeriser at a massive discount. They also do sofas, bedroom furniture and dining tables, so I might as well get the entire place kitted out while I'm at it!!!

Why not tool along to their Ramsgate or Margate showrooms and see for yourself? Or give them a call on 01843 595858. They're also offering a FREE £400 silk pocket sprung divan for every 1000th Facebook like, so you should really check that out as, who knows, you might soon find yourself sleeping like a millionaire too!!!!

NB: The fact that Thanet Bedz are now sponsoring this blog, having left a substantial sum in a manilla envelope behind the hot water pipes in the Cavendish Street khazis, has had no influence on the content of this post.

Manston Pickle

You know me, I'm not one of those swivel-eyed rabble-rousers who's prone to posting controversial stuff in the hope of whipping up the lethargic locals into a state of revolutionary frenzy.

But no less an organ than the British Medical Journal has just reported a link between aircraft noise, especially at night, and the risk of heart disease and death from stroke. The report confirms what other studies have found, including one large-scale German analysis that concluded there was a 66% increased risk of heart attacks in men, and a whopping 139% increased risk in women, should knackered old jumbos be whining over your bonce while you're trying to get a bit of the old shut-eye.

I've run those odds past Cyril, my bean counter (he's a whizz with an Excel spreadsheet), and apparently that means there's a statistical chance of everyone in Ramsgate being dead by next Tuesday, should RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport decide to bust the toothless no night flights ban, which, er, it already does anyway.

Meanwhile Manston's bosses Infratil have been on a shindig to Shanghai, where they've decided to offload their other UK loss-making lump, Glasgow Prestwick Airport, onto the poor old Scottish taxpayer. You'd hope they'd be paying Lexy Salmon and his kilted crew to take it off their hands, but we all know from recent experience here on the Ile de Thanet what dunces public servants are when it comes to doing a commercial deal.

With RAFLKMMTEMTSIA up for sale since March last year, what's the betting Thanet Council's cack-handed Chief Executive Sue McGonigal trumpets a fabulous deal in the next few weeks to buy the £4m-a-year lossmaker for a bargain £3.4m, thus saving the twelve jobs at stake?!?!!!!?!!!

Click here to read about the latest BMJ report on aircraft noise.
Click here to read about Infratil's sale of Prestwick to the Jocks.

Down From Hackney

(With apologies to Chas & Dave)

Well now I've got that lottery grant from The Tate
To fund my installation down in Margate
I'm gonna blow the cash tomorrow, a site-specific plot
We'll catch the fast train, don't be late, we'll be there on the dot

Get the Earl Grey ready, Victoria, 'cos we're coming...

Down from Hackney
Don't forget the Fairtrade espresso and soya milk
Down from Hackney
With my friends from Hoxton and everyone of that ilk
Down from Hackney
We'll see the Turner, discern an earner by the sea
Down from Hackney
You can keep your chips and cockles
We're above the usual grockles
'Cos we're down from Hackney
Alex, Josh, Arthur and me!

Along the prom we'll try to get granola
And shun the arcades, bingo and Mazola
The kids will all enjoy themselves on their iPads and phones
And look at all the chavs and sigh with patronising groans

Behave yourself Noah, or I'll block your iTunes account

Down from Hackney
Don't forget to put it on Tumblr, Twitter and blogs
Down from Hackney
We'll be wearing O'Neill wetsuits over our togs
Down from Hackney
We'll buy a pulled pork, sour dough sandwich for our tea
Down from Hackney
You can keep Shoreditch and Stokie
From now on they're much too low key
'Cos we're down from Hackney
Alex, Josh, Arthur and me!

RoRo Yer Boat Gently Down The Income Stream

There'll be a rustling of brarn envelopes down at our lovely port tomorrow, as the sealed bids are opened in the race to become Thanet Council's appointed consultant with the unenviable task of finding a RoRo operator to replace TransEuropa Ferries.

The, er, 'lucky' winner will have until June next year to entice an operator to the port, and will get a percentage of whatever income that attracts. Presumably the lowest percentage (or the envelope stuffed with the most fifty pound notes) wins.

The council's tender document, a copy of which I have in my hot little hands, states:

The Council has a desire to attract a ferry service(s) back to the Port of Ramsgate, as having an active ferry service assists in regenerating the locality, delivering jobs and retains skills within Thanet.

The Port of Ramsgate knows that it can deliver the relevant services to a ferry provider as it has successfully facilitated operational support for previous operations.

The Council’s aim is to have one or more ferry companies operating out of the Port of Ramsgate to regain public confidence in the both the Council and the Port of Ramsgate. It raises morale within residents of Ramsgate and brings support businesses to the area.

'Successfully facilitated operational support for previous operations', eh? Well you can't argue with that, can you? I'd say that stuffing £3.4m worth of our council tax into a dead duck was a right little morale booster for Ramsgate residents, wouldn't you?

Long term readers will recall that the last time we were on the verge of getting a new ferry operator was in 2009, when I made the above video commemorating the imminent arrival of Euroferries' new vessel Bonanza Express. Needless to say, it never did arrive. Neither has their latest ghost ship, despite it being trumpeted all over their website.

On the plus side, warm and heartfelt congratulations are due to me for clocking up half a million page views since July 2008 (and more than three quarters of a million since I started this blog in January 2006, according to Site Meter). Three cheers for me!!!!!

Mess Fine Mess

Apols for the graphic picture, but it does rather illustrate what we're up against here. Yes, I'm talking barkers' nests.

We all know that a toddle along Thanet's pavements and promenades can be a bit like tip-toeing through the proverbials. Nowadays I have taken to walking with my head down, scanning for the offending items, in the hope that my diamond-studded Church's brogues can remain uncontaminated by the digested remains of Tyson's Chappie and chips, thereby missing out on the wonderful views our island has to offer.

Still, we do know from all those signs on every lamp post that any owners caught failing to clear up after Fido can be handed a, er, 'on the spot' fine of £75, or a maximum penalty of £1000 if they're taken to a magistrates' court.

So, how many dog doo-doo fines have our beloved Thanet Council issued in the past year then? Go on, take a guess. 100? 50? Well, following an FOI request by one of my lovely readers, I can tell you the answer is 4. F-O-U-R, four.

Another request for the number of beach litter fines issued in the last 12 months reveals an even lower figure. The lowest figure you can get, actually. That's right, a big fat zero. And that despite the worst litter seen on Margate Sands for 30 years, when it took a team of 12 cleaners an entire day and night to clear the beach after July's Jamaican party.

You'd think for a council that says it spends more on cleaning than any other, and which has just poured £3.4m down the TransEuropa plughole, they'd be a bit keener at recouping some of our council tax!! Kuh!!!

Huge Erection At Very Short Notice

Reader Samantha writes:

I see the planning application for the massive development behind the Granville on Ramsgate's East Cliff is due to go before TDC's Planning Committee this Wednesday.

To put this in perspective, if this development goes ahead it will be about a third of the size of the proposed Pleasurama development on the front.

As a local resident who will be enormously affected by this proposal to build 38 flats with only 19 parking spaces, I feel that the council should really have given me more notice than a second class letter, posted last Monday, to arrange to speak before the Committee by today.

I have already objected to this development on the grounds of the materials used, the height, and the woeful lack of parking space. I understand that the plans have been altered since they were first submitted in January, and the number of parking spaces reduced even further! Neither the developer's architect - Clague of Canterbury, who I emailed months ago - nor the council, have updated me on any of these issues, despite being able to hold 'public meetings' with the current residents of Granville House and Granville Court.

I agree that the site, which has been derelict for 30 years, needs something done, but if it isn't done in close consultation with the people who live around it, the chances are that we will have yet another Pleasurama debacle on our hands. Yet again, it seems that local democracy and accountability is singularly lacking in Thanet.

Hmmm. Well, Samantha, that certainly is a poke in the, er, eyesore for Thanet Council!

Update: The application was rejected by the planning committee. A victory for common sense, methinks!

Sold Down The River By Thanet Council

So, my Belgian spies tell me that defunct TransEuropa's tub Gardenia went for €750,000 at the auction in Oostende yesterday, although that price can still be outbid (by a minimum of 10% on top) until the end of the month.

And the amount Thanet Council, which is owed £3.4m of our lovely lolly by TransEuropa, will make from the sale? Nothing. Zero. Nix. Nada. Not a sausage. Because someone at the council (step forward Chief Executive and Chief Financial Officer Sue McGonigal, for it is you!) failed to secure any of the debt on the company's assets.

Would it be too much to ask Ms McG to pass 'Go' forthwith, without collecting her £200,000? Kuh!

Meanwhile, in what writers such as myself like to call a 'bizarre twist', it's emerged that as late as April this year TDC joined an EU-sponsored organisation called 'LO-PINOD', one of those Eurocratic acronyms which, in this case, apparently stands for 'Logistics Optimisation for Ports'.

LO-PINOD'S blurb states: 'Through improvements to shortsea routes, local ports and their hinterland connections, LO-PINOD encourages a wider use of water-borne transport across the North Sea Region. Greater use of local ports will re-balance Europe's transport network, reduce road congestion, aid regional development and deliver more freight by sustainable sea transport.'

It was on 17 April 2013 that LO-PINOD welcomed the Port of Ramsgate to its fold, just three days before yours truly broke the story that TransEuropa had sunk without trace, and the whole Ferrygate scandal began to unravel. Did the TDC bureaucrat who signed up for LO-PINOD not know that, within hours, there would be no more 'logistics operations' or 'freight' from the Port of Ramsgate? Or is this yet another case of our beloved council's arse not talking to its elbow? I think we should be told!

Click here to go to LO-PINOD website

Plane Jane Takes A Flight Of Fancy

Holy planet-boilers! My normally level-headed chum, lovely Boredstares writer Jane Wenham-Jones, has gone to Manchester to speak at the annual Woman's Weekly Live! event.

Nothing out of the ordinary in that. Except she's chosen to fly there via Holland from RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport!

Talk about carbon positive! Any right-minded, environmentally conscious celeb would have driven there in their Toyota Priapus, or taken the train. But JW-J is so besotted with the idea of Richard Branson commandeering RAFLKMMTEMTSIA and turning it into a trillion-passenger-a-month uber-hub on her doorstep, she was apparently determined to let the plane take the strain.

Oh well, I gather her 9.35am KLM flight from Manston was delayed until 11.10am, meaning she didn't get to the centre of Manchester until 3pm. With an hour's check-in time, that makes the journey about six and a half hours, whereas the train would have got her door-to-door in just over four hours, and at roughly the same price, when you add the cost of cabs to and from airports.

Then again, I hear she's currently obsessed with a pilot. A TV pilot, that is, about wannabe writers, which she's presenting. I've popped a link to it on BoobTube down below. I guess she must be hoping that it'll, er, take off! (Geddit??!!!!???!!!!)

Update: Click here to see Plane Jane's justification in the Isle of Thanet Gazunder. Apparently it was plastic cups, along with 'wine and little salty biscuits' that persuaded her to feck the planet!

KCC's Box Of Bollocks

Yet more proof, if it were needed, that the Ruddy-Faced Man at Kent County Council doesn't give a proverbial about poor old Ramsgate.

If you recall, last month the Office for National Statistics came out with a report demonstrating that Ramsgate was now officially more deprived than Margate, thus proving what I've suspected for years, namely that all the public dosh is being spent on chi-chifying the Arsonists' Playground, to the detriment of us here on the sunny south side.

One of my lovely readers was so incensed that he wrote to KCC boss Paul Carter (aka Ruddy-Faced Man), demanding an explanation. Here's R-FM's response:

Dear ---------------,

Thank you for your email, regarding levels of deprivation in Ramsgate and Margate.

I read the report that you refer to from the Office of (It's 'for' - Ed.) National Statistics with interest. The report is an analysis of the 2010 Index of Multiple Deprivation, therefore, the data on which it is based is now several years old. Nevertheless, I am very much aware of the levels of disadvantage that persist in Ramsgate and in many of our other coastal towns and tackling this is a crucial priority.

So what are we doing about it?

Firstly, we are working hard to attract new jobs and new investment into Thanet. We have secured £35 million in interest-free loan support to businesses looking to grow and expand in East Kent – with over £17 million already allocated and starting to create jobs.

Secondly, we are improving the transport network to make Thanet better connected. We have invested over £180 million in the East Kent Access road network, providing a better link to Ramsgate and Discovery Park. This year, we secured an additional £5 million to improve line speeds between Ashford and Ramsgate to cut journey times – with work starting next year.

Thirdly, we’re investing in local communities, with our No Use Empty programme already restoring over 2,000 empty properties to use. Many of which will be in Margate and Thanet.

Of course, we need to do more, and continued emphasis on coastal regeneration is vital in Ramsgate, Margate and the rest of Thanet.  But there is great potential in East Kent, despite its challenges and we are unlocking real growth opportunities – and new suggestions are always welcome.

I hope you find this response helpful.

Yours sincerely,

Paul Carter
Leader of Kent County Council

To paraphrase the late, great Sir Winnie: Never in the public sector have so many mealy-mouthed platitudes meant so little. It's as if R-FM has just taken the Thanet section out of his ruddy big red book and sprinkled a few Ramsgates in there for seasoning.

Meanwhile, KCC have today said they're applying to build a ruddy big new hotel on a Thanet seafront! Hurrah! At long last, something is being done about that hideous Pleasurama eyesore! Er, no, wait a minute, it's going to be on the old Rendezvous site round the back of the Turnip in - you guessed it - Margate!

UKIP's Trembly Finger On The Button

If you're sending a rude email about someone to a colleague, who would be the last person you'd want to copy in? Yes, that's right, the person who you are being rude about.

So North Thanet Constituency Labour Party Chairman Malcolm Bailey was not a little surprised when he opened his inbox this morning to see an email from Herne Bay Ukipper Brian MacDowall to his colleague Nicholas Bond, describing him as a 'socialist agitator'.

Malcolm had been trying to raise awareness of the potential closure of a children's centre in Herne Bay, and had been in correspondence with the UKIP Kent County Councillors over the matter. After one or two 'fobbing-off ' emails, he was then copied in on this:

Nick,

at the meeting yesterday roger drew my attention to this guy.

he is a socialist agitator who has, it seems, little else to do but constantly stir up trouble by getting into protracted correspondence with whoever he wants to annoy

Zena W says she wont deal with him

believe he lives in Thanet not sure; you can either ignore him or draw his attention to your previous reply and say unless you are one of my constituents( don't think he supplied an address) I cannot help you.

Brian

'Roger' there being Sir Roger Latchford OBE, Boer War hero, former Conservative deputy leader of Thanet Duffer Council, supporter of disgraced and jailed TDC leader Sandy Ezekiel, and now ship-jumping Lord Admiral of the newly-elected UKIP opposition at KCC.

In addition to using language that almost certainly hasn't been in vogue since the Spanish Civil War ('socialist agitator'), it seems Brian MacDowall can't even get the name of one of his UKIP councillor colleagues right (it's Zita Wiltshire, Brian, not Zena).

Still, as most of Thanet voted for this shower of See You Next Tuesdays, I can only opine that you get what you pay for!

Ferry For Sale - One Careless Owner

Ahoy fellow salty millionaires! I'm just back from my annual break in Cannes. What a lot of yachts they've got!

And talking of floaters, my Belgian spies have alerted me to the fact that one of the two old TransEuropa tubs that's rotting away in Ostend is being put up for auction this month.

Bidding on The Gardenia takes place at the Hotel/Restaurant Weinebrugge on Saturday 14th September at 2pm. So, er, do pop along if you fancy grabbing yourself a rusty bargain.

It's worth reading the small print, though, since there's a whole list of debtors attached to the sale, amounting to some 5m Eurowhatsits of prejudged charges on a ship that's probably not worth much more than a mill. Strange, though, that despite the Port of Ostend, a number of Belgian companies, and sailor types (who are presumably attempting to claim back unpaid wages) attached as having a charge over The Gardenia, there's not a single mention of Thanet Council or the Port of Ramsgate being owed a bob or two. So what's going on there, then?

The Ostenders reckon they're owed €2.5m by the defunct ferry line, which, they say, is about the same as us Fannit taxpayers are out of pocket. Although my calculator makes that about £2.1m, way short of the £3.4m that Thanet Duffer Central has fessed up to so far. And not even a chance to make some back on the auction. Kuh!

Meanwhile, I see from my copy of Krant Van West-Vlaanderen that Ostend Council are, not surprisingly, vexed about the €25,000 a month it's costing them to keep The Gardenia, and its sister rustbucket The Larkspur, moored up in their lovely port. Each ship apparently has to have a three man safety crew on board, and there are other costs such as popping the odd Euro in the lecky meter. All of which is coming out of the public purse. The Krant Van West-Vlaanderen also mentions there have been talks about restarting an Ostend-Ramsgate service. Apparently 'there may be Italians or Greeks interested'. Yep, I'll believe that one when I see it!

Click here to read the notice of the Gardenia auction in Ostend.
Click here to read the TransEuropa article in Krant Van West-Vlaanderen

Ramsgate Now Grimmer Than Margate - Official

Yikes! According to a report from the Office for National Statistics on seaside towns, Ramsgate has overtaken Margate as one of the top deprived areas of the country. Thus proving that, in Thanet at least, it's grimmer down south.

The, er, Millionaires' Playground is now ranked as having the fifth highest level of poverty and social breakdown in the country, after Skegness, Blackpool, Clacton and Hastings. Margate came 7th.

Click here to read more in the Daily Mirror.

So, undeniable evidence there, if it was needed, that TDC's policy of pouring all the sponds into Margate and Cliftonville, and neglecting the sunny south side, has done its job as far as they're concerned.

Now would be a good time, then, to let the moths out of your wallets and spare a fiver or two for the deprived yoof of Ramsgate, who are organising a fantastic day of parkour, urban art and poetry at our lovely Eastcliff bandstand this coming Sunday. They're trying to raise £1500 for the event, and there's only a few days left to do it.

Click here to go to the website where you can donate.

So, whaddya waiting for? While you're counting out the cash, here's a short video showing you what they're going to be up to:

Kick ASS 4!

Not the soggy-bottomed exploits at tomorrow's Water Gala, over in the Dickensians' Playground. Nor the feeble sequel that's just arrived at your local Ritzy.

No, I'm talking about something much bigger and better! For, fellow millionaires, it's that time of year again! Time to go and gawp at sculptures made out of a mango and 400,000 used coat hangers. Time to watch a fat lady in a smock warble La Traviata on the beach. Time to see grown men and women dressed as ferrets perform the hula dance whilst chanting verses from T S Eliot's The Waste Land.

Yes, over the three days of this coming bank holiday weekend, the Millionaire's Playground will be playing host to the fourth annual Ramsgate arts festival, more commonly known as A Summer Squall (or ASS for short)!!!!

It promises to be a packed programme, and I suppose now that Thanet Duffer Central has completely abandoned everywhere other than the Arsonists' Playground as a place to hold events, we should support it with all our Ramsgatonian might. Being, as I am, one of the island's leading intellectuals, my particular perennial faves are the Treasure Hunt on Sunday, which takes you on a ramble around Ramsgate's hidden gems, and Ramsgate's Got Writing Talent at the Shirley Temple Yacht Club on Monday, which gives wannabe writers the chance of an introduction to a top literary agent.

But there's loads more, with open studios all over the magnificent Ile de Thanet, a boat parade, traditional family games, a tiny art gallery in a caravan, retro re-creations of old seaside photos, street theatre, a market, comedy musical mayhem, and bands down on our lovely front, headlined by rockin' Si Cranstoun! (Who he? - Ed.) Plus, of course, the aforementioned operatic warbling on the beach.

You can download the full festival programme by clicking here.

Right, it only remains to wish you lots of ASS fun over the old BH weekend! Pip pip!

Breast Implants Caused Manston Radar Boob

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Beauty Correspondent Piers D'Nipple

A Manston firefighter has claimed her boob job joy turned to misery when it caused radar at Kent International Airport to malfunction.

The firefighter, who asked not to be named, says the problem only came to light when air traffic controllers spotted a pair of giant bosoms on their screens, heading for Ramsgate. She told The Gazunder: 'I was off duty at the time and enjoying my new bust. But then I got a call from the airport on my mobile to say there was an emergency, and to prepare for a pollution incident as they thought the two enormous, flying breasts might be leaking contaminated milk.'

She added that it was only when she was preparing to dash to the airport that she realised her new 36Ds could be causing the problem. 'I called the control tower back and they asked me to jiggle them around a bit. Sure enough, they were jiggling around on their radar screens too!'

The emergency services were stood down once the source of the blips was identified.

A spokesman for the airport said: 'I know we have our knockers, but this is ridiculous.'

What A Yacht I've Got!

Excitement is mounting in Boredstares, I'm told, where Victorian bathing costumes are about to make way for the thrills and spills of hemp smocks and bladders on sticks.

Yes, the Dickensians are eagerly anticipating their annual Folk Week (or Drunk Week as it's become known locally), which kicks off today. Around 150,000 men and women with beards are expected to descend on the UK's second best seaside town, turning the camp site at Upton School into a mini version of Glastonbury, with the waft of illicit drugs such as Old Nutty Shag and Nadger's Dorchester Wobbly permeating the air.

Meanwhile, here in the Millionaires' Playground, we're anticipating something much more salubrious. Ramsgate Week, organised by our very own Shirley Temple Yacht Club, will see the cream of the yachting fraternity hoity-toiting on land and sea for six days as of tomorrow. Billed as 'the friendly alternative to Cowes', the regatta is expected to attract matelots from Belgium, Holland and France, as well as the UK.

With one or two financial transactions still being in the, er, pipeline I shan't be participating in the sailing. But I'll definitely be rooting out my CockSox swimmers for the Hunks in Trunks competition!

Eastcliff Richard makes no apology for running this exact same article every year since 2006. After all, nothing's changed, has it?

Avast behind! Participants prepare to get their bottoms scraped
at Ramsgate Week!

Enormous Groyne Spotted On Ramsgate Beach

Well, I was wearing some pretty revealing shorts down there earlier!

No, seriously, I've never noticed this structure stretching out from the centre of our lovely Ramsgate Sands before. Anyone know what it is? (Apols for the grimy pic - click it to big it). I suppose it could just be seaweed from Margate harbour, dumped by The Duffers, who seem hellbent on superduperising the grimy north of the island at the expense of the splendid south.

By the way, it's nice to see the new lights illuminating the excellent Royal Harbour Brasserie at the end of the pier. Oh, and I didn't get the Louis Walsh job, if anyone was interested.

Airport Ditches Night Flights Ban

Lorks! Having now waded through the 32 pages of illiterate claptrap which masquerades as RAF London Kent Manston etc etc's submission to HMG's review of airport capacity, I can bring you this little gem:

Manston is already a licensed airfield with currently has [sic] no night-time restrictions

The submission was produced by Cheerful Charlie Buchanan, the airport's head honcho. Obvious typo aside (one of many), Chuckles seems to have forgotten the agreement that does currently exist, banning flights between 11pm and 7am. Oh, but of course, that's not enforceable. And despite assurances from the current Labour lot at Thanet Duffer Central that they would uphold the 'ban', they've already caved in to KLM, who fly out at 6.20 every morning.

The rest of the gobbledegook mainly bangs on about Manston becoming a 'reliever airport'. Presumably that entails flying planeloads of hookers over from Amsterdam to, er, relieve those ageing, predominantly UKIP-supporting, Thanetians whose arthritic joints have long robbed them of the capacity to do it themselves. Well, no, actually, in effect it means more knackered old jumbos from countries whose idea of maintenance begins and ends with superglue, knackering knackered old jumbos, and more dodgy military stuff headed for what the aforementioned UKIP supporters would describe as 'Bongo Bongo Land'.

If you can bear to wade through the entire submission, there's a link to it here.

Right, I'd better get off or I'll be late for my audition as the replacement for Louis Walsh on the X Factor. Be seeing you!

What The Fokker Was That?

Thanks to reader Steve for this pic of the KLM 737 which was circling the island for what seemed like hours late yesterday afternoon. As we know, KLM only operate Fokker 70s out of RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport on a scheduled basis every day, so the sight of a 737 doing circuits was unusual to say the least.

Then this morning the Gazunder website reported that five fire engines from around Thanet were called to 'a blaze at Manston airport' at 7.33pm last night, with reports that a KLM aircraft 'had caught fire'. However, when they got there 'crews discovered there was no incident to be dealt with'.

So what's the story? Was this flight circling to ditch fuel ahead of an emergency landing? Or did some joker ring the boys in brown after getting fed up with yet another training flight? I think we (and the CAA) should be told!!

Five Years To Spend A Penny

Nope, nothing to do with the closure of public conveniences. But, I suppose, you could characterise it as an extreme case of civic constipation.

This sorry saga relates to the inability of Kent County Council to make a minor alteration to a confusing road sign that has been responsible for causing thousands of pounds worth of damage over the last few years. I'll let reader Samantha take up the tale...

I see Kent Highways have finally altered a sign on Victoria Promenade in Ramsgate that I have been complaining about for five years now, with responses ranging from indolence and indifference, to the downright insulting. At one point I was told changing the sign was unfeasible as they would have to commission an entirely new sign at a cost of thousands of pounds! 

But miraculously, here's how the sign looked when I popped out to the shops today:

And here's how it looked during the previous five years I was complaining about it:

To the untutored eye, there's not a lot of change. But the addition of approximately a penny's worth of gaffer tape to the bottom of the arrow directing traffic to London, Canterbury, Dover etc means that lorries and coaches from out of town will no longer be turning up D'Este Road, the narrow back street which the sign is on the corner of, and that my car and those of my neighbours will no longer be subjected to regular damage when they get stuck at the T junction with Truro Road, like this:

I would say 'thank you' to KCC, but after five years of faffing around to find six inches of tape, I'm inclined not to.

Neither would I be, Samantha! Kuh!

Doctor F*cking Who?

Yipes! I see the Beeb have promoted my old acting chum Peter Capaldi to the primetime post of Time Lord! Peter is better known as the potty-mouthed political adviser Malcolm Tucker in The Thick Of It, a sort of sweary version of Yes Minister.

Thanks to my inside contacts, I've managed to snaffle the first page of the first episode that will feature the new Doctor, here it is...

INT. TARDIS - THE DOCTOR IS FIDDLING WITH THE CONTROLS

DOCTOR

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking piece of crap?

COMPANION (TBC)

Well, Doctor, it is very old.

Daleks enter from screen left.

DALEKS (ALL)

Exterminate! Exterminate!

DOCTOR

Oh do shut your fucking holes or I'll shove this sonic fucking screwdriver so far up your fucking plungers that you won't be able to extermin-fucking-ate for a week.

Cybermen enter from screen right.

CYBERMEN (ALL)

Destroy the Time Lord! Destroy the Time Lord!

DOCTOR

Fuck me! Not those fucking wankers as well!

Er, you get the picture. Meanwhile, here's an early outing for Peter Capaldi as a time traveller, in Alexei Sayle's Drunk In Time, from the mid-1990s...

And if you still haven't had enough of the Gallifreyan stuff, I can thoroughly recommend The Gay Daleks!

Council Hunks In Trunks

Yes, they're back by popular demand (one email)!!!!

Following Saturday's pic of our lovely Labour Leader curvaceous Clive Hart showing off his package, here's the full set of those Thanet Council hunks sporting their fit bods for all to see, and supporting our sizzling summer of sun here on the beautiful Ile de Thanet!!

They're so hot, they're on fire!!!!!!!! Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Super Shirley Tomlinson, 20, likes a drink or twelve and wants to bring back national service!!!!!!! Well done for doing the Thanet nation a 'service', Ma'am!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)

Strap-on (Shouldn't that be 'Strapping'? - Ed.) Ken Gregory, 35, loves making prank phone calls, is a keen amateur chef and says his favourite meal is a Sunday roast!!!!!!! We certainly wouldn't mind nibbling on your pork crackling, Ken!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)

Dishy Doc Biggles, 28, is a former commando and high-flying jet pilot!!!!!! The brainy Doc is also into computers and has even been to Number 10 Downing Street, the home of the UK's Prime Minister!!!!!!! We'd certainly welcome your member in our cabinet, Doc!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)

Red-hot Roger Latchford, 43, is a former war hero and can even boast an OBE!!!!!! UKIP-supporting Roger likes nothing more than shaking his buff booty to some bangin' tunes!!!!!!! It's an 'honour' to meet you Roger!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)

Tasty Tory Sandy Ezekiel, 26, loves the island's bars and cafe culture. But it's not all fun in the sun!!!! In fact poor Sandy was done for misconduct in a public office recently, so he's sent us this photo from the showers at Wormwood Scrubs. Hope you've got someone to 'scrub' your back, Sandy!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)

That's enough council hunks in trunks - Ed.

Fun!

With the Boris Bikeathon set to clog up That London, what better time to stay on our septic isle and enjoy all the stuff that's going on here?

Margate's Soul Weekend culminates in tomorrow's carnival, with much of the creative stuff being produced by Ramsgatonians (natch). But I'll be here in the Millionaires' Playground, sporting my captain's hat, brass-buttoned blazer, Whitstable Oyster Rolex and deck shoes with the salty seamen on the front, enjoying some windy fun with the Old Guffers at their 50th anniversary celebrations.

There are probably a squillion other events happening that nobody even knows about!!! So whaddya waiting for? Get out and enjoy yourselves!!!!

Um, I haven't got a visual that depicts 'fun', so here's a photo of Thanet Labour Leader Clive Hart naked instead...