End Of An ERA

With millionaires steadily deserting Ramsgate's sunny East Cliff for the artificially warmer climes of the Arsonists' Playground, it appears that the local residents' association has gone down the gurgler.

Which is a shame, as the ERA was instrumental in tarting up the area, not least by installing lovely girls on the Festival of Britain fountain on the front!

Still, it's not all doom and gloom, as there are still many civic-minded souls emailing me daily with their thoughts, discoveries and issues here on the trendy east side of town. So I've pulled together a round-up of the latest news, and called it The Round-Up Of The Latest East Cliff News!

A spate of graffiti has recently affected the East Cliff...

Apparently the Duffers' finest have been alerted and their crack team of graffiti removalists will be on the case soon.

One of the tykes that threw stones and smashed the glass in our lovely, restored shelter has apparently fessed up to the cozzers, and will no doubt spend the rest of his life in clink.

Finally, the pulhamite on the Grade II listed Winterstoke rock gardens is cracking...

This is apparently due to neglected, overgrown trees and mature shrubs, as the rocks and terraces were only intended to hold small plants.

Mind you, I was in Boredstares yesterday, now there's a place that really is looking shabby!

And that's The Round-Up Of The Latest East Cliff News!

Old Eastcliff's Thanet Almanac

Yes, it's that time of year again when I stare into my uncannily accurate crystal balls! Last year I predicted museum closures, non-spontaneous combustion in Margate, and the renaming of the island 'Hong Kong' in honour of its new Chinese owners. Pretty much a 100% hit rate! Here's what 2009 holds:

January
The new year will bring great gusts to the island. Thanetians will be grateful, however, as a man from the north wearing a comedy tie will create wind-related jobs in Ramsgate.

February
February will be a short month, and may even end after just 28 days. A former millionaire celebrity from the beautiful south of the Ile, who would ordinarily be relaxing in the Caribbean as a guest of Sir Richard Branston at this time of year, will be seen collecting barkers' nests for the fire.

March
Following the success of last year's Closing of The Museums, Thanetians will celebrate a new festival - The Nailing Up of the Khazis. A well known developer will accidentally-on-purpose burn down and/or demolish a listed building.

April
This will be the fourth month of the year. A magnificent beer festival will be held in the north of the island, bringing great wealth to local stockists of Neurofen. A fat man with grey hair and glasses will be seen campaigning for election to Ramsgate's teeny-tiny council.

May
A Tesco bag will be found in the wild west of the island containing three pairs of underpants, a signed photograph of Rhydian, and a quote for 3000 sq ft of shagpile.

June
Victorian bathing costumes will be all the rage in Broadstairs. (What's new? - Ed.)

July
Scheduled services to Rockall will begin from RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport.

August
Millions of cash-strapped British tourists will descend on Margate for their annual holidays, only to find it's been closed for the past ten years.

September
Thanet's foremost citizen will be celebrating his birthday by shopping at Poundstretcher this year. Please send your gift or food parcel in advance to: Richard Eastcliff, Cliff Top Mansion, Victoria Parade, Ramsgate, Kent.

October
Westerly autumn gales will cause a great drift of empty White Lightning, Stella and Strongbow cans to wash up on the shores of Belgium.

November
The island's water table will be discovered to have been polluted by a spillage of crystal meth in Cliftonville, leading to many islanders being hospitalised after becoming Barrymored. A large pall of intoxicating smoke will also hang over Ramsgate.

December
New, fast trains will whisk Ramsgatonians to London in less than 30 minutes. A wise but impecunious man will write another load of old cods like this. The birth of cheeses will be celebrated on the 25th.

Phew! That's enough almanac, pass the Aldi Shampagne!

Psychic Dick

Yikes! Not only do you read the news here before it gets into the local rags, you can now read it before it actually happens! Here's what I wrote in 'Old Eastcliff's Almanac', my annual gaze into Thanet's crystal balls, last year:

This will be a hot month, and many buildings in Margate will suffer spontaneous combustion.

OK, I was out by a couple of months, that being the prediction for June, but spooky!!!! Not only that, but I was working on a post just a couple of hours before the Dreamland blaze which began thus:

What with another building in Thanet catching light in Ramsgate barely a week after the Tivoli Arcade fire on Margate front, it might seem like we're living in a tinderbox here on the Ile de Thanet. However, we can all sleep soundly in our beds, thanks to the soothing miracle of statistics.

Unfortunately that was interrupted by news of the latest conflagration. Probably not a bad thing, either, as the figures from the Office of National Statistics show that, while the number of fires across the South East as a whole has steadily declined, here in Thanet they've actually gone up slightly. Still, Derek Acorah eat your heart out, eh? I feel a whole new career coming on!

Old Eastcliff's Thanet Almanac

Crumbs! My predictions last year turned out to be pretty accurate, so I thought I'd give it another go for 2008! Here's what I saw after a good long stare into my crystal balls:

January
A cold month, with much wind emanating from the north. A great wailing and gnashing of teeth will be heard in the region of Cecil Square as one foolhardy member of the public attempts to borrow a book.

February
February will be slightly longer this year but still quite short by usual standards. A well known Ramsgate millionaire will be inundated with offers of marriage on the 29th.

March
Thanetians will celebrate a new feast day, to be called The Closing of The Museums. This will become an annual event, rivalled only by the already popular Nailing Up of the Khazis. A great gloom will spread across the island as Council Tax demands arrive.

April
This will be the fourth month of the year. There will be new developments offering the same old promises - luxury apartments, retirement homes, and buy-to-let opportunities.

May
Thanet's rugged chieftain will celebrate his first year in power by laying a carpet in Kingsgate and instigating free parking (outside his shop in Cliftonville).

June
This will be a hot month, and many buildings in Margate will suffer spontaneous combustion. Victorian bathing costumes will be all the rage in Broadstairs. (What's new? - Ed.)

July
A great hoard will depart from RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport, only to discover that their holiday consists of flying over Ramsgate every nine minutes for the rest of the week.

August
Our leaders will sign a treaty with China and the island shall henceforth be known as 'Hong Kong'.

September
Many famous celebrities bearing presents will flock to Thanet to celebrate the birthday of its foremost citizen. To avoid the rush, please send your gift in advance to: Richard Eastcliff, Cliff Top Mansion, Victoria Parade, Ramsgate, Kent.

October
This month will come before November, but after September.

November
With winter approaching, much of the area will suffer from debilitating eyesores. The islanders will give these various names, such as 'Dreamland', 'Pleasurama', and 'West Cliff Hall'.

December
A great traffic jam will form at Westwood Cross as the island's inhabitants rush to buy presents for Christmas, which I predict will this year be on the 25th.

Phew! That's enough almanac, pass the Armagnac!