Doctor F*cking Who?

Yipes! I see the Beeb have promoted my old acting chum Peter Capaldi to the primetime post of Time Lord! Peter is better known as the potty-mouthed political adviser Malcolm Tucker in The Thick Of It, a sort of sweary version of Yes Minister.

Thanks to my inside contacts, I've managed to snaffle the first page of the first episode that will feature the new Doctor, here it is...

INT. TARDIS - THE DOCTOR IS FIDDLING WITH THE CONTROLS

DOCTOR

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking piece of crap?

COMPANION (TBC)

Well, Doctor, it is very old.

Daleks enter from screen left.

DALEKS (ALL)

Exterminate! Exterminate!

DOCTOR

Oh do shut your fucking holes or I'll shove this sonic fucking screwdriver so far up your fucking plungers that you won't be able to extermin-fucking-ate for a week.

Cybermen enter from screen right.

CYBERMEN (ALL)

Destroy the Time Lord! Destroy the Time Lord!

DOCTOR

Fuck me! Not those fucking wankers as well!

Er, you get the picture. Meanwhile, here's an early outing for Peter Capaldi as a time traveller, in Alexei Sayle's Drunk In Time, from the mid-1990s...

And if you still haven't had enough of the Gallifreyan stuff, I can thoroughly recommend The Gay Daleks!

Ramsgate Gets Cruise Thumbs Up

Well, it shouldn't just be Dover that gets the big boys in, should it? So I was delighted to see that Ramsgate gets a guernsey on a new cruising website. In fact the trendy East Cliff comes in for particular praise, with our quaint holiday cottages and park attracting globe-trotting chicken fanciers, it seems:

From Ramsgate Harbour, head up the cliff towards the Granville cinema and follow road to the end. You will come to the park. Cruising goes on in the park (there is a cottage there) and on cliff top. Best to park off the main road up side turnings.

Hours: Park Cottage when Park is open. The rest early evening as light falls and as long as you are prepared to hang around.

Cruising Info/Tips: Other than getting your cock out and waving at someone, just make eye contact and head for the park or bottom prom to shelters.

Cruisiest Spots: On path/steps going down to beach and in shelters halfway and at the bottom. There is also a brick built shelter on the top of the cliff where action takes place facing the sea.

Wheelchair Accessible: No.

Warnings: Straights and dog walkers do use this area to go down to the beach so just be sensible. Don't assume everyone is looking for cock as some do and have caused a few problems with some locals but on the whole I always have a great time here.

Even Ramsgate Harbour makes it into the guide! I must tell my old showbiz chum Tom Cruise!

Doing The Lambeth Talk

The Bishop of Thanet, The Right Reverend Harry Piehole, reflects on three weeks of soul-searching for the Anglican Church.

When the Archbishop of Canterbury invited me to the Lambeth Conference I was delighted. It has been several years since I have enjoyed the delights of 'The Smoke', and any excuse to go up to town is always an indubitable pleasure.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I discovered the 'Lambeth' Conference was going to be held just up the road in Canterbury! I mean, I go shopping there most Saturdays, so it was hardly a treat to spend three weeks in the place, sitting around in a dingy cathedral praying my arse off all day. Surely they've got a bloody cheek calling it the 'Lambeth' Conference? I ask you!

(That's enough religion - Ed.)