Two Wheels Good

Although for the purposes of non-identification, I've chosen to show only one on this occasion. Nonetheless, how marvellous to be able to strap myself into leather gear and whip out my old throbber for the purposes of giving it a good thrashing at the Margate Meltdown today! There must have been a couple of thousand others who had the same idea, judging by the turnout. But nowhere near the 30,000 ludicrously predicted by the Kent rozzers.

I must say, the Wall of Death was the best three quidsworth you could possibly hope to have with your clothes on in these parts! It was also a chance to catch up with biker chums from the smoke (London) who'd hogged out all the way from the famous Ace Cafe on the North Circular.

One chap told of a lucky escape when, approaching 170mph on the Thanet Way, he glanced in his mirror to see one of those souped up cop cars with its blues and twos going, right up his derriere. Quickly dropping down to something closer to the legal limit, and preparing to be pulled over, imagine his surprise and delight when the woodentops overtook him and roared off over the horizon. Presumably they had something more serious to attend to, such as a last minute pensions meeting or an unexpected delivery of Krispy Kremes at the police canteen!

Meltdown (& Margate) reviewed on Adventures in Mattress Land blog
More photos here on White Dalton Motorcycle Solicitor's blog

East Of The Wantsum

What a bloody horrible bank holiday weekend! Windy, cloudy and cold. I was hoping to hook up with Bev, my agent, in Big Deal this afternoon for an al fresco dining experience (picnic in old money), but there's no sign of it getting Walmer (Geddit??!!??!???).

Still, nothing's going to stop me donning my leathers and hanging out with my Hell's Angel chums at the Margate Meltdown tomorrow. In the meantime, you can warm yourselves up by chuckling at this week's East of the Wantsum (face fuzz special)!

Plane Jane Treated Like A Princess

I do like a good nosh-up! And where better to indulge your taste buds than at the jewel in Margate's gastronomic crown, the Indian Princess, accompanied by one of the island's yummiest and most talented mummies?

Well, that was the plan last week at least. But when it came to the execution, the devil was in the detail. The detail being the Friday afternoon call from Bev, my agent, to race up to town to do a 'quick and dirty' voiceover for a well known cleaning product.

So it fell to a chum to wine, dine and, er, (well we won't go there) Jane Wenham-Jones, writer and bonne viveuse of that ilk. It was his first encounter with the restaurant, and the writer, and he's just sent me his, um, tasting notes:

8.00: Sitting here for half an hour now. Where is that bloody woman? I've already necked two pints of Kingfisher. Feeling a bit squiffy.

8.15: At last. She's bloody arrived. Mutters some excuse about being held up doing an interview. What the hell is she wearing? Must have another pint.

8.20: Jesus wept. She can talk the hind legs off a donkey this one. Yadda yadda. Can't get a word in sideways. At least the wine, a rather fruity 2007 Biddenden Ortega, is going down well.

8.30: Yes, yes. So you're writing a book. Yes, you must be very busy. Where do you get your hair done darlin'? Traffic Lights 'R' Us? At least my little potato balls are delicious. And a trio of rabbit - roulade, pate and brochette. More wine?

8.50: So now you can't eat calf's liver. What's wrong with you woman? The rest of the bloody calf's been eaten, what's the problem? And it's served with an excellent lamb pate. Pass the wine luv.

9.00: She's wearing a very revealing top. Mustn't stare at her tits. Must... not... stare... at... Oh shit. I think she caught me clocking a swifty. Quick, hide in my wine glass.

9.20: More wine vicar? Just the ticket with the collation of herring roe, fish cake, caviar, melon compote and prawn with garlic mash. Now what? Jeez, she can't remember what we've had so far and I can't read my writing. Yet I am beginning to find her attractive in a quirky kind of way.

9.35: Pissed as a lemon. She's writing stuff on the back of promotional postcards for her book. What's she writing? Something about a birthday party of 22 on the other side of the restaurant. Ah! Duck with spinach and aubergine. Can't do aubergine. Makes me fart like a Trojan.

10ish: Now she's gone over to talk to someone. Mmm, nice arse. Shit. She turned round. Concentrate on Dev's signature dish, the Nile perch. Nile perch. Nice perch. Nice pert perch.

11ish: Phwoar. No... no... really... phwoar. What's this? A goose egg? What am I supposed to do with a bloody goose egg? No... no... it's filled with the creamiest, rose flavoured creme brulee. Mmmm. Licky licky yum yum. You like licky licky yum yum? Me like licky licky yum yum.

Whenever: Bloody fantastic meal and Jane's a real cracker. What? Dev's coming over to talk to us. Keep your eyes off my friggin' bird mate. She's my bird now. Yes. Yes business rates are excruciating. Yes, your wonderful food is very much like art. Art food. More brandy now though. More brandy please. No, no, it's not really a curry house, more gourmet fine dining. Delicate flavours. Michelin mentioned, that sort of thing. Has she spotted my spare tyre? Must... suck... in... stomach... bollocks I just let off a silent one. Hope it isn't too deadly.

Wheneverer: Cab home. We're sharing a cab home. If I just brush up against her thigh maybe she'll cotton on. Wish I hadn't drunk so much. Wish I'd had more to drink. If I touch... this... er... crap, she's getting out. Oh well, didn't really fancy her anyway.

[That's enough tasting notes - Ed]

Click here for Jane Wenham-Jones' version in today's Gazunder
Dev says 'business as usual' in yourfannitinnit
Click here for the Indian Princess website
Rename the Princess on Facebook and win dinner for two!

Isle Gets Good Beach Gongs

You're better off in Ramsgate if you want to avoid E. Coli this bank holiday weekend! As well as recommending the Millionaires' Playground for its water quality, the new Marine Conservation Society Good Beach Guide describes Ramsgate Main Sands as:

A popular sandy bay backed by high chalk cliffs and near a picturesque harbour. Children's amusements nearby make this an excellent family beach. The beach receives regular awards, and has been named as one of the 10 top beaches in the UK.

Even Margate manages to make it to the merde-free section this year, albeit with a slight skid mark on its gusset with a mention of 'tertiary discharge'. Eugh! No such luck for Viking Bay in Broadstairs though, which fails to get a recommendation, a sentiment with which the many people who have returned from a swim there only to find themselves fetching up with a touch of the old bubonic plague will no doubt concur.

What with Ramsgate's new Blue Flag and praise from the MPS, you'd better get down to the Cannes of Kent and grab your champagne cocktails before they're all gone!

Good Beach Guide 2010
Borries bring down the tone of Britain's beaches
Ramsgate gets the Blue Flag
Margate and Bottomy Bay in Times Top 40 Beach list

Ripper! It's Ramsgate!

Bloody hell! It's Broadstairs!

Midnight Plane To Georgia

So flights from Manston are currently banned after 11pm are they? Well what just rattled my windows at 12:03am then? A knackered old jumbo lumbering out after delivering another cargo of rotten bananas, that's what. Will the duffers at the council enforce the fine? Or will Councillor Baywatch just be receiving an extra large brarn envelope at Christmas? Kuh!

Oh dear. I seem to be repeating myself this week!

Chinese Whispers

Despite not building anything, and therefore not renting out anything either, it seems that Manston based China Gateway International (Commercial Group Properties in old money) have returned to profit! Hurrah!

Our Ken's company went from a whopping pre-tax loss of £8.875m last year to a modest profit of £299,000 for the year to 30 November 2009. Not being of a financial bent, I ran that past Cyril my accountant during our meeting to discuss him flogging me some Lehman Brothers shares, and he says it's pretty impressive!

You may remembrane that there was a bit of controversy concerning a Tesco bag and a jolly to China by senior members of the Thanet Council team round about the time CGI were applying for planning permission to build a Chinese themed business park at Manston in 2008. Well, that's all behind us now, as Ken's sidekick Rob Bolton says in his chairman's report:

My prediction that we would be in a position to commence construction at Manston could not be fulfilled due to the lack of any available development finance in the market place.

Er, no, wait. It's all on again:

However your directors have put into effect a plan to finance the venture through the sale of 'seats' to the Chinese end users of the development and the terms of the contract for the first of these seat sales have been agreed as China still enjoys the levels of annual growth that the West can only dream of during these difficult times. I would like to thank our Bankers and shareholders for their continued support and also our executive directors for their hard work and extensive time and travels within China that has brought about these developments and allowed the project to move forward.

So that's alright then! The plan is now to sell these 'seats' to Chinese investors, who would get the chance to hold promotional exhibitions and have a 365-days-a-year marketing presence in the UK by sitting in six, 150,000 sq ft, industry themed 'hubs' out at Manston. Mind you, that doesn't sound like the job-creating industrial and commercial work our beloved council were sold when planning permission was granted.

And as far as I recall, planning permission was only granted for one such 'hub'. So where are the other five going to be built? And when will planning permission be, er, rubber stamped?

Click here for CGI's results statement
Click here for more on the 2008 planning decision in yourfannitinnit
Click on the label below for my previous drivel on CGI

Go Slow Dynamo No Show

There were more ancient hairpieces and walking sticks than you could shake a, er, walking stick at on Ramsgate's Harbour Parade for the Operation Dynamo 70th celebrations this afternoon!

As you can see from my photo, it was nice of our beloved council to recreate the bomb blasted ambiance of Dunkirk 1940 for the vets. And the farty waft of leaky colostomy bags can only have added to the authenticity of the occasion.

Those that could move were moving at snail's pace, so slow poking was the order of the day as the old tugs queued up for trips around our very own old tug, the newly painted Cervix, and the Maritime Museum (open, one presumes, for one day only). Disappointment, though, showed on their wrinkled faces as they peered skyward at the appointed hour for the Spitfire and Swordfish flypast, which was a no show. At least, I think it was disappointment. It was hard to tell as most visages were rigid with Parkinson's.

Still, on the plus side I'm glad to report that our newly elevated Tory leader, Councillor Bob Baywatch, had trimmed his face fuzz and ironed his suit especially!

Cops Say 30,000 Bikers Will Invade Margate

30,000 bikers are expected to visit Margate over the coming bank holiday weekend for the annual Ace Cafe Margate Meltdown, according to Kent Police!

If the number's right, then that'll be about 29,700 more than any previous Margate Meltdown. Enough to make poor old Nervous of Margate flee the county, methinks!

The rotten rozzers have even been patrolling Kent's roads on unmarked motorcycles to catch innocent greasers unawares, so they can bring them up before the beak. Of course, any red blooded biker worth his or her salt is going to expect a burn up if approached from behind that way, and will soon show anyone pursuing them the colour of their rubber. So what the cops are doing is tantamount to entrapment. Bastards!

Flat Rate In Margate

I thought I'd tool off to the smoke (London) today to grab myself a property bargain in the smoke (Margate)! All sorts of flats and houses in the Arsonist's Playground are going at knock down prices courtesy of Allsops the auctioneers, who are, er, flogging it at the Cumberland Hotel today and Thursday. Click here for the Margate sale list.

Flats start with a guide price of £25,000-£30,000, and apparently the entire freehold is up for grabs on that lovely, refurbed Royal York Mansions on the Piazza (Parade in old money). There's more about it on the excellent Margate Architecture blog.

I must say that, having been on a bit of a bender in Margate with some millionaire chums over the weekend, things definitely seemed to be looking up. For the first time in living memory, the number of private vehicles going up and down Fart Hill actually outnumbered the cop cars!

Update: Margate Architecture has now published the results of the auction. Click here to view.

Midnight Plane To Georgia?

So flights from Manston are currently banned after 11pm are they? Well what just woke me up at 12:50am then? A knackered old jumbo lumbering out after delivering another cargo of rotten bananas, that's what. Will the duffers at the council enforce the fine? Or will Councillor Baywatch just be receiving an extra large brarn envelope at Christmas? Kuh!

Thanet Blog Wars 2010 - Big Guns Go In!

The 2010 Thanet Blog Wars appear to be hotting up nicely with the news that London libel specialists Carter-Ruck are now representing Labour councillor/blogger Mark Nottingham in his ongoing legal tussle with Tory councillor/blogger Simon Moores.

My spies tell me that Cllr Moores has received a letter from the firm that Private Eye frequently refers to as 'Carter-Fuck', due to its controversial involvement in a number of high profile cases. Er, I'm going to stop there and refer you to their Wikpedia entry, where it says that they offer some of their services, including libel actions, on a 'no win, no fee' basis.

Dr/Cllr Moores has alleged that Cllr Nottingham libelled him on his blog. Strange, though, that none of the local rags have reported any of this, isn't it?

East Of The Wantsum

Here's this week's East of the Wantsum. A fitting tribute to Our Glorious ex-Leader, methinks!

Skipping through the Gazunder moments before it became lining for Bertie's litter tray just now, a couple of items caught my eye. 'Deal makes port wind farm base' was one of them. And there was me thinking that London Array was going to be based in Ramsgate. No, wait, it is going to be based in Ramsgate. Apparently London Array's HQ will have a 'glass roof'. Er, no. It will in fact have one of those environmentally friendly, cuddly-duddly grass roofs. But hey-ho, it's only a newspaper.

Further in we read about poor, beknighted Boredstares greengrocer John Prentis, who's been served a noise abatement order by Thanet Council after complaints about his loud 6am fruit deliveries. The notice was served last December, and he's failed to comply, but only now does he see fit to make a whining noise in the local paper. 'Fifteen years we have been trading here and there have been no complaints,' moans John. 'A lot of people are afraid we will be leaving town because we can't trade without our delivery. The way things are going there will be no small businesses left in Broadstairs.' Yeah yeah.

I can't help feeling there's another side to this story that the Gazette's newshound hasn't bothered investigating. I mean, surely all he has to do to comply is make his deliveries, er, quietly? Or could it be that he's got the arse because a DFL has gone to a lot of effort and expense to open a beautiful boutique B&B next door, and may not want her guests woken up by some loudmouthed oiks offloading narnas at the crack of sparrow's fart?

A Pilot Writes...

John Drake, the, er, 'joystick jockey' who I accused of buzzing Ramsgate on Monday has been in touch via email. He writes:

Egomaniac flyboy. That's me apparently.... Sorry you didn't like the show but it wasn't meant for you, wasn't impromptu, and was as safe as houses.

Having said all that, if it did wake you up, I understand that that would be a bit annoying, we've all got the right to a little nap in the afternoon. And I do appreciate a good moan as well every once in a while, generally about some crap in the Daily Mail, or having to unload the dishwasher. It's cathartic, that's what it is, so if it makes you feel better, keep doing what you do but understand the world is a myriad of greys, little is black and white.

Actually, John's display was in honour of one of the Dunkirk 'little ships', the slightly leaky, 85 year old motor sailor 'Anne', which some chap in Scotland has been restoring all winter, and which had just been delivered to Ramsgate ahead of the 70th anniversary commiserations. Click here to read more.

John continues:

I understand the noise issue and try and avoid disturbing others when practicing etc. What riled me a bit was the comment suggesting I was unsafe. I'm a professional pilot and safety is always at the forefront. The aircraft, which I did buy as 'junk', was restored by myself and a team of friendly engineers and she's now certified for public transport flights, the highest level of safety certification. So, safe, a bit noisy, maybe the tiniest bit of ego in that I was saluting the hard work and dedication of a friend whilst showing off my own efforts.

And I certainly wasn't jerking off up there...

Oh well, that's nice to know John. May all your landings be happy ones!

Big Cheese Has His Chips

Has anyone else noticed that the coffee shop in the Custom House, new home of Ramsgate Town Council, has various filled baguettes 'all served with chips and mayor' on its menu?

What next? Green salad? [Geddit???!!!?!???!??!!!!]

Speaking of which, I was taking the old penguin suit to the cleaners this morning and found the menu from the Turner Centre's Tracey Emin celebratory dinner at the Walpole Bay Hotel the other day, stuffed in the inside pocket. Here it is in full:

STARTER
Half-Cockaleekie Soup

MAIN COURSES
Carpetbagger Steak
Minted Burghers
Coq-Up Au Vin
Lily Liver And Onions
Porky Pies
Pizza Vettriano

All served with:

Monster Mash
Half-Baked Beans
Walpole Salad

DESSERTS
Fruitcakes
Junket
Multi-Storey Parkin

FRUIT AND CHEESE PLATTER
Tracey Ementhal
Hard Cheddar
Sour Grapes
Assorted Nuts
Crackers

Coffee with biscuits and a collation of sweetmeats, including:

Jammy Dodgers
Millionaires' Shortbread
Kentish Fudge
Humbugs
Margate Cinder Toffee

Good Morning Ramsgate!

Having not watched commercial television since ITV cancelled Dirty Dick's Midnight Bunfight a few years back, and also not being the kind of chap who rises much before lunchtime due to the half bottle of Bombay Sapphire I generally down as a nightcap, I missed our lovely Millionaires' Playground being featured in the weather forecasts on GMTV this morning. I'm indebted to reader Ken for alerting me.

Did anyone else spot it?

Update: Regular contributor Walter has sent me this snap of the huge GMTV outside broadcast team about to 'go live'! Ah, the glamour and excitement of live TV, how I miss it!

Ken Lets The Train Take The Strain

Tooling back from the old London pied-a-terre to the old Ramsgate pied-a-mer, I find myself sitting in the same carriage as Our Ken, of China Gateway fame!

Times must be hard if he's taking the rattler. What's happened to the chopper and the V8 Range Rover? Shall I tool over and ask him?

Sent from my iPhone

Turner Staffing Costs Up 80%

Oops! Wrong Turner there. Er, where was I? Oh yes. Kent County Council have approved a plan to increase annual staffing costs at Margate's Turner Contemporary by a whopping 80%! The proposal, drawn up by TC director Victoria Pomery, got the rubber stamp a few weeks ago, although it doesn't appear to have been widely reported.

Of course, the increase (from £427,000 a year to £759,000) takes into account the fact that more staff will be needed once the thing opens next year. In fact Vicky has drawn up an entire new staffing structure which, whilst it 'isn't budget driven, must be affordable'. Well that's nice to know, seeing as it's our money they're spending. The new structure means that everyone who currently works there, including La Pomery, will have their jobs put up for grabs. What's the betting that Thanet's great unwashed don't get a look-in?

Meanwhile the TC types have just started offering founder memberships 'with special access to exhibitions and events' at a cool £5K a pop. Needless to say, Her Eminence has membership card 001. Although the Turner website doesn't specify whether she actually coughed up the 5,000 smackers for it!

And meanwhile meanwhile, the Margate Renewal Partnership has been spamming the local medja today urging everyone to vote for Margate in that great, er, American company Cadbury's Great British Beach competition. So in tune are Kraftbury's with the British seaside that they've spelled 'Bournemouth' 'Bournmouth'.

Anyhow, if you feel like it do pop over to the Bourneville Blighters' website (complete with banner tugging teeny-tiny plane) and cast your vote and/or aspersions!

Update: Clearly MRP's tactic of stuffing the ballot box is working. I've just been over there to vote (for 'Bournmouth' as Ramsgate wasn't on the list) and out of 1,315 votes so far cast, Margate is miles ahead with a whopping 28%. Tresco in the Scilly Isles is trailing in second with 13%. Did I hear anyone shout 'Fix!'?

Update update: Margate came fourth in the end, behind Rhossili Bay, Tresco and Blackpool. Click here for more.

Click here to download new Turner staffing costs on KCC website
Click here to become a founder member on TC website

Manston Bosses Still Posting Losses

Sticking with the aviation theme, Infratil, the Kiwi owners of Chas 'n' Dave Tracey Emin Margate Ramsgate RAF Manston Kent London International Airport, have returned to profit according to their latest annual results, out today.

However, the story at their European airports, which now number just C'n'DTEMRRAFMKLIA and Prestwick following the sale of Lubeck last year, was less rosy, with a loss of NZ$9m (around £4.4m) heading down the gurgler and into the poor investors' aquifer.

Overall Infratil seem more interested in selling meat pies at the chain of NZ servos they just bought off Shell than running airports these days. Oh well. If that keeps the skies over the Millionaires' Playground peaceful, it's alright by me!

Click here for more at Business.Scoop

Joystick Jockey Buzzes Ramsgate

Crikey! Did anyone else hear that thing buzzing the town just now? It looked like some old piece of WWII junk. Perhaps it's in preparation for the Operation Dynamo 70th anniversary at the weekend, when we're all expected to gleefully celebrate the greatest defeat in the history of the British Army at Dunkirk.

If my old throbber made as much racket as that I'd be up before the beak quicker than you can say 'little ships'. Still, it just goes to prove that the Brylcreem boys are literally above the rest of us - no VAT or other tax on aviation fuel, bollocks to the environment, knackers to anyone who doesn't like 'airplanes'.

That reminds me of the old joke about the pilot on a first date who stops talking half way through the evening and says: 'That's enough about flying. Let's talk about me!'

Town of Ramsgate Up For Auction

Er, the pub in Wapping that is. Click here for more details in the Morning Advertiser (officially the pub trade's favourite!)

Last month the Cecil Square junta bought up the Flowing Bowl boozer in Newington 'for regeneration'. With their new found taste for hostelries, I wonder if they'll be tempted to add this to their estate?

Update: The pub sold yesterday for £1.11m, according to the East London Advertiser

East Of The Wantsum

Here's this week's blah blah yakety-schmakety click it blah etc etc.

Please forgive the lack of enthusiasm. Bit of a hangover.

Disappearing Beach

In Memoriam
Sandy Beach
Outgoing Thanet Council Leader

So farewell
Then, Sandy Beach.

'F*cking tosser!'
That was your
catchphrase.

'Fannit's open
For business.'
That was your
Other catchphrase.

With your
Faithful sidekick
Roger (OBE),
You tossed
A petition in the
Edinburgh Woollen Mill.

Like a verruca,
You were a bit
Of a pain.
And hard to
Get rid of.
So we're glad
You're gone.

E. C. Richard (29)

Broadstairs Population Jumps 8000%

Holy birth rates! According to the website True Knowledge (so it must be true then), the population of Boredstares has soared from 24,370 to 1,881,376 in the past year! That's almost twice the size of Birmingham!

No wonder the place is chocka locka with builders driving V8 Range Rovers, accompanied by the inevitable WAGs in bleached/straightened wigs. Mind you, that's nothing compared to Margate, which now apparently boasts 4,328,122 inhabitants.

Personally I think they may have got it a bit wrong. But if you look at a more, er, trustworthy source like Wolfram Alpha, you'll see that although Broadstairs and Ramsgate have remained roughly the same since the 2001 census at 23,283 and 38,624 respectively, Margate's population is in fact estimated to have boomed almost 50% from 40,386 to 60,134.

Talk about immigration! [No, let's not - Ed]

Ramsgate To Host Bogey Man

Following on from today's front page revelation in the Gazunder that Ramsgate homes are being rented out at £20,000 a pop for next year's golf Open in Sandwich, I've received the following email:

Hi Dick,

I hope all those intensive sessions at Augusta (Road) have helped you with your wood problem.

As one multi millionaire to another I thought you could give me some tips on the night life scene in Thanet. So far my Google search has thrown up the Model Shop in Ramsgate, where I guess I can date Russian beauties, and in Cliftonville there is a place called Lovelys - is this more for the Thai or Asian ladies?

I suspect an old dog like yourself has the inside knowledge. Looking forward to hooking (or slicing) up with you.

Tiger

Well yes Tiger, there are one or two places I can point you to, and there's definitely a Ladyman who's looking for work in these parts. Although when you see the state of some of the things on offer, you may not be inclined to go the full 18 holes!

Sack The Council Say Boat Owners

Lumme! I see from the front page of this week's yourfannitinnit that the paper's top newshound Tom Betts has been sniffing around our marina!

Although his nostrils won't have been as offended as mine were standing on Margate's Harbour Arm (pier in old money) the other day, he's dredged up a story about the Marina Association unanimously voting to oust our beloved council's harbour management team. According to the salty seamen, the place is now so badly run that it's 'embarrassing'.

One of the main gripes is, of course, the woeful lack of dredging. The association reckons that around two metres of silt has built up and that pontoons now sit on mud at low tide. Presumably the boats do too, lending an unusual slant to canapes and sundowners.

What with that and the loss of one of the marina's YHA Gold Anchors recently, you'd think that Acting Harbour Master and Thanet Council's Director of Regeneration, Brian White, would be on the case. But no. I'm told by my spies in the brass buttoned blazers and deck shoes that, far from getting out there with his bucket and spade, he's busy with yet another Maritime Services 'staff reorganisation'. Kuh!

Click here to read more in yourfannitinnit

Update: Talking of sackings, I've been told that former harbour master Dominic Evans, who was suspended by the council back in September, has this afternoon won his industrial tribunal case against unfair dismissal in Ashford. TDC have apparently caved in and offered him a settlement. Good news for him. Not so good news for us taxpayers who have to fork out for the useless council apparently sacking the chap unjustly in the first place.

Now Island's Beaches Turn Blue

Hurrah! Ramsgate Main Sands has once again hoisted a Blue Flag in this year's prestigious and eponymous awards!

Margate Main Sands, Stone Bay and Westbrook Bay have regained their blue dusters after losing them last year, although Walpole Bay has lost out. This is almost certainly due to the number of superannuated, incontinent crones and pit bulls on string weeing in the water in those parts. Other winners are Bottomy Bay, Joss Bay, St Mildred's Bay, West Bay and Minnis Bay.

Viking Bay in Boredstares, which has only ever managed one Blue Flag (in 2006), has failed to make the grade yet again, as the frothy yuk there is about as wholesome as the liquid that must have seeped into Nick Clegg's undies when Dave told him he was going to be Deputy Prime Minister yesterday.

So here on the sophisticated south side, we have the south east's only south facing sandy beach, the finest restaurants and bars outside of London, and a marina that makes Cannes look shabby. What with that and the Blue Flag, I fully expect the cash registers to be tinkling with tourist tenners for the next four months. Which, er, is what I say every year!

Click here to download full list from Keep Britain Tidy

Small Council Re-Elects Big Mayor

Let's now swoop in the Skycopter from Downing Street to the majestic setting of Ramsgate's Albion House, where the country's other big political battle has been going on, the one to elect a new mayor of our teeny-tiny council.

And the news just in is that the current incumbent, caff-crushing, car-crushing Councillor Green is coming out on the steps to make a statement... he's looking composed... is he about to announce his resignation and bury his sobbing head in the bosom of his lovely wife, Dame Elizabeth? No, no, in fact he's been re-elected! Hurrah!

And there, waving by his side is the independent Tory Councillor Walph 'Mr Wamsgate' Hoult, who remains as deputy mayor, a sort of LabCon coalition if you like. And, er, the mayor tells me that nothing else has changed. Apart from an events committee being set up.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, another momentous day in British politics, and I don't think I'm exagerating when I say this ushers in a similar era to the last one, after which everything will pretty much stay the same. God bless the Queen.

Don't Blame Me, I Didn't Vote For Any Of Them!

Well, you vote Lib Dem and you get Tory. Or, looking at it another way, you vote Tory and you get Lib Dem. So we're now going to be treated to the spectacle of Bumface and the Boy Wonder running the show for the next few years. Or months. Or possibly even weeks. Kuh!

Ballroom Blitz

I'm indebted to reader Steve for fettling the above out of BoobTube - Saturday's 'flash dance' in the centre of our lovely Millionaires' Playground. Look out for the doofus in the purple top!

Despite the merits or otherwise of their dancing abilities, it seems these Ramsgate Arts people are a force to be reckoned with, and I hear that plans for their Summer Squall three day festival over the August bank holiday are coming on apace.

Meanwhile our beloved council are planning their own, er, 'Monster Bass' arts bash in Ramsgate as a spoiler, based on some bogus myth they've invented about a, um, monster bass. And apparently they've nabbed half of the Ramsgate Arts chaps' best ideas! Er, why? Is it because they can't bear the thought of talented Thanet individuals getting together to organise shindigs which might well attract more visitors than theirs? Heaven forbid that any knees-ups on the island might be out of the Cecil Square duffers' control!

Not that, when the council's compulsory fun happens, much seems to have ever been in control in the first place.

Click here to go to Ramsgate Arts website

Ask Sister Assumpta - Hung Parliament Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your election problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I went to a good school and university, and have always told everyone I would be Prime Minister one day. However, despite my wealthy friend Michael helping me win the most seats, I now find myself having to talk to some lefty oik before he will let me have the keys to No 10. This is becoming a nightmare. Please help! D.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feckin toffee-nosed twonk! Sure yer actin the cuntin maggot, with yer face like me uncle's barse! Just let him kick yer back doors in. Yer both feckin public school eejits, yer should be used to gettin yer old lad covered in bum juice. Now feck off yer clatty prick before I gnaw me flange off with boredom!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I went to quite a good school and an alright university, and have always told everyone that I would one day have a friend who was Prime Minister. Although I do not actually have many friends, one of them has asked me if I would help him form a government, but I am not sure he shares my commitment to fairness and electoral reform. What should I do? N.

Sister Assumpta writes: Holy Mother of God yer benjy feckstick! What a thick bogger cunt! Yer should be chubbed up that he's even lookin at a Bombay shitehawk like yerself! Yer should be smiling like a cat with a cream flavoured arsehole! Now feck off and do some old prayin to Mother Mary!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I, uh, went to a state school and a pisspoor university, but have somehow managed to become Prime Minister without ever being elected. I, uh, do not have any friends, and now some of the other boys are ganging up on me and trying to, uh, evict me from my house. Can you suggest any ways of stopping them? G.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck off yer feckin chancer, before I give yer a clatter in the jaw and a mug of warm badger's milk! Yer about as much use as a pencil in a cocktrough! Now go fish the cosbies out of yer Jap's eye, yer big dirty growler!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

East Of The Wantsum

Here's this week's EotW, which appeared in the Isle of Thanet Gazunder yesterday. Not a bad stab, seeing as I wrote it last weekend.

It's only the media that are getting all hot under the collar about this hung parliament thingo. Grey areas, indecision and delay don't make for good headlines. As far as I can see the country hasn't fallen apart while the politicians lock themselves behind closed doors and jerk off over their manifestos. It's the civil servants who actually run the show. A bit like our beloved council, really!

Winner...

...And Loser

Laura Pulls It Off

Well, it appears that my election poll got it right to a certain extent. Labour's Dr Ladyman is indeed history, and I'll now be respresented by ever-grinning Tory, and Roger Gale puppet, Laura Sandys.

I was only one out on the number of Lib Dem MPs too. And, er, Gordon Brown is still, technically at least, living in No 10!

Brown Back In, But Ladyman Loses Seat

Yes - it's official! Well, official on this blog at any rate. Labour are back with an overall majority of 40 seats. But a swing to the Tories has left Thanet South MP Dr Steve Ladyman without his seat, which has been grabbed by lovely Tory Laura Sandys.

That's the result of my online election poll, which attracted an all time record turnout of 464 votes, mirroring reports of high voting figures across the country. Here are the numbers in full:

Question: Who will get your vote on 6 May?

Labour: 31% (146 votes)
Tory: 29% (137 votes)
Lib Dem: 15% (72 votes)
Small piece of cheese: 8% (39 votes)
UKIP: 6% (30 votes)
BNP: 5% (24 votes)
Green: 2% (10 votes)
Other: 1% (6 votes)

Pop that into the BBC's excellent election seat calculator and you get this:

Quite a surprise really. The Lib Dems have even lost 11 seats, but then we've had Second Comings from them before that have failed to materialise at the ballot box. It all seems rather reminiscent of the 1992 election which Kinnock was meant to win, but which re-elected John Major when all the undecideds actually made up their minds once the teeny-tiny pencils were in their hands.

Of course, if everyone who voted on my poll were locals, Ladychap may still have squeezed it. In fact, this could all be utter cobblers. Oh well, I can always re-write it in the morning to make myself look good. Do sleep well, and don't have nightmares!

Update: First pics of Thanet count under way at the Mike and Bernie Winter Gardens here and here (courtesy yourfannitinnit).

Why I Won't Be Voting Today

Well let's face it, it's a rum choice on the Ile de Thanet.

I usually vote on local rather than national issues, which makes the Tories round here unelectable. Besides, I can't help thinking that bum-faced Dave and his Bullingdon chums cooked all this up back at Eton and Oxford twenty years ago. They're still the Nasty Party in my book, and nothing I've seen emanating from their slavering Thanet adherents has convinced me otherwise. Quite the reverse in fact.

Our incumbent Labourite, Dr Steve Ladybloke, might be a better choice. But I'm haunted by visions of that £25,000 donation to his constituency association by the island's uber-millionaire Ken Wills, just ahead of Our Ken getting planning permission for China Gateway. Dr L seems hell bent on 'JOBS!' at any cost, not least to our lovely local environment. Then there's the small matter of him calling me a liar over that Eurof*****s debacle last November (we're still waiting for their ship to come in, Steve!)

Ordinarily I would vote Lib Dem. But the candidate here has been parachuted in from god knows where and clearly doesn't have the foggiest about local issues. He's the only one of all the major Thanet candidates who didn't rule out Manston night flights like a shot in my Election Question Time. Clearly he's out of touch, or, more likely, was never in touch in the first place. He would, however, provide me with endless comedy material for the next five years, simply because of his name.

UKIP? Nah.

So I'll be writing STUFF THE LOT OF YER! on my ballot paper when I toddle round the corner to the polling station later on. When the booths close at 10pm I'll have full analysis of my election poll, and be telling you who you'll be waking up to in No 10 tomorrow morning!

Election Spam Pain

Breaking off from my Stupid Kent diversion, you may have noticed there's an election on tomorrow.

In fact you can't have missed it if you're one of those seemingly few Thanetians who've been able to make it to your front door any time since last Christmas. The letterbox here at the old cliff top mansion has been crammed full of political junk, which I'm now going to share with you. Below are the election leaflets for every candidate in norf and sarf Fannit (click 'em to big 'em).

What's surprising to an anal, small print checker like me is the number of candidates who bang on about supporting local businesses, but who've had their leaflets printed yonks away. I mean, it's not as if we don't have printers here on our septic isle!

Take Peter Buttlips, the Lib Dem wannabe for Thanet South: 'I will put local people first.' Pamphlet printed in London E6, as was the bumf for his Thanet North colleague Laura Murphy. Dr Steve Ladyboy, the incumbent for Thanet South: 'Keep fighting for new jobs in South Thanet.' Pamphlet printed in London SE1. Conservative Laura 'Ramsgate' Sandys: 'Promoting businesses.' Pamphlet printed in Guildford, Surrey.

Anyhow, take a look for yourself. I know most of you probably couldn't give a tinker's cuss, so in true Murdoch style tomorrow I'll be telling you who to vote for!

Thanet South:





Thanet North:

Stupid Kent

Just to prove how wide-ranging the readership of this blog is, here's a Stupid Kent contribution all the way from Mr/Mrs/Ms Malaprop in Folkestone!

Stupid Kent

Stupid Kent

Stupid Kent

It's all gone terribly quiet, hasn't it? I suppose the combination of a short week along with a general election on Thursday has conspired to shut everyone up!

So while we're waiting for Friday's result, after which the inevitable recriminations will hopefully start, I thought we could amuse ourselves by spoofing Kent County Council's new £400,000 Saatchi campaign to draw visitors to our beloved county.

Click on the pic to read all about it. Then either email me your ideas (with a relevant photo if possible) at richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk, or put them in the comments section below. Here's my starter for ten!

Blog Wars 2010 - First Shots Fired!

Just when you thought the island's blogosphere might go an entire year without a skirmish, the chap who brought you Thanet Blog Wars 2006-2008* has, rather predictably, launched the first salvo in Thanet Blog Wars 2010!

Yes, I can exclusively reveal that Tory Dr/Cllr Moores, proprietor of Thanet Life, has apparently told everyone within earshot that he's suing Labour Sherriff/Cllr Nottingham for something the latter wrote on his From One End of Kent blog. Of course, I'm not at liberty to repeat the alleged libel as that could also be construed as libellous. And, to be perfectly frank, I'm relieved it's not me staring down the barrel of Simes' trusty Lee Enfield for once!

I'm told letters have been sent, so it's not just a case of Dr Biggles having a word in the ear of one of the local hacks, who then repeats his allegations verbatim in the paper without going to the bother and nuisance of checking any of the facts. Which, if you recall, was what happened last time. Although quite why anyone should willingly volunteer to buy another Bentley for m'learned friends over something as inconsequential as a blog is beyond me.

But hey-ho. I can only assume that Simes' ego has been well and truly pricked, and that he must have made a bob or two banner-tugging recently!

*The 2009 Thanet Blog Wars having been initiated, by way of a change, by Tony Flaig of Bignews Margate.

Blue Tracey Makes Sandy Turn Red

Phew! It's good to be having a quiet night in after all the Eminent shenanigans of the past couple of days!

One of the things I've noticed about hobnobbing with the Margate arts set is that you don't half meet a lot of Tories, property developers, and Tory property developers. Her Traciness herself declared she'd be voting for the Bullingdons this time, which seemed to make outgoing Thanet Tory chief Sandy Beach all puffed up, until she let rip at the council for having allowed her home town to get into such a parlous state over the last three decades. As she called for a public inquiry the poor Chief Duffer turned about as pink as a man of his complexion can get! Still, he must be used to it by now as I gather Mrs Beach, the lovely Cheryl, is a staunch Labour supporter.

After last night's turning on of the illuminations (which went out again around 10pm - you don't get much for your 50p these days), Thanet's finest gathered at Margate's Rokka bar to schmooze with the self-styled 'f***ing brilliant artist'. How she must have been charmed by the likes of diminutive developer Tiny Terry, looking very dapper in a dark suit and red tie (voting Labour this year Terry?), and Gargantuan Graham, looking, er, less dapper in his habitual Man at Wilkinsons get-up.

Still, perhaps it wasn't such a bad mix as virtually every 'artist' I talked to boasted of having made a killing on the property market, presumably backed by some kind of Arts Council grant. Luckily there were bouncers and a strict guest list to keep any real Margate oiks out, but they proved insufficient to deter a true Ramsgate blogger-blagger like me!

Click here to read today's interview with Trace in the Times
Click here to read Tracey moaning about Margate in the Sun
Click here to watch Tracey's Droit House speech on YouTube