Friday, May 28, 2010

Plane Jane Treated Like A Princess

I do like a good nosh-up! And where better to indulge your taste buds than at the jewel in Margate's gastronomic crown, the Indian Princess, accompanied by one of the island's yummiest and most talented mummies?

Well, that was the plan last week at least. But when it came to the execution, the devil was in the detail. The detail being the Friday afternoon call from Bev, my agent, to race up to town to do a 'quick and dirty' voiceover for a well known cleaning product.

So it fell to a chum to wine, dine and, er, (well we won't go there) Jane Wenham-Jones, writer and bonne viveuse of that ilk. It was his first encounter with the restaurant, and the writer, and he's just sent me his, um, tasting notes:

8.00: Sitting here for half an hour now. Where is that bloody woman? I've already necked two pints of Kingfisher. Feeling a bit squiffy.

8.15: At last. She's bloody arrived. Mutters some excuse about being held up doing an interview. What the hell is she wearing? Must have another pint.

8.20: Jesus wept. She can talk the hind legs off a donkey this one. Yadda yadda. Can't get a word in sideways. At least the wine, a rather fruity 2007 Biddenden Ortega, is going down well.

8.30: Yes, yes. So you're writing a book. Yes, you must be very busy. Where do you get your hair done darlin'? Traffic Lights 'R' Us? At least my little potato balls are delicious. And a trio of rabbit - roulade, pate and brochette. More wine?

8.50: So now you can't eat calf's liver. What's wrong with you woman? The rest of the bloody calf's been eaten, what's the problem? And it's served with an excellent lamb pate. Pass the wine luv.

9.00: She's wearing a very revealing top. Mustn't stare at her tits. Must... not... stare... at... Oh shit. I think she caught me clocking a swifty. Quick, hide in my wine glass.

9.20: More wine vicar? Just the ticket with the collation of herring roe, fish cake, caviar, melon compote and prawn with garlic mash. Now what? Jeez, she can't remember what we've had so far and I can't read my writing. Yet I am beginning to find her attractive in a quirky kind of way.

9.35: Pissed as a lemon. She's writing stuff on the back of promotional postcards for her book. What's she writing? Something about a birthday party of 22 on the other side of the restaurant. Ah! Duck with spinach and aubergine. Can't do aubergine. Makes me fart like a Trojan.

10ish: Now she's gone over to talk to someone. Mmm, nice arse. Shit. She turned round. Concentrate on Dev's signature dish, the Nile perch. Nile perch. Nice perch. Nice pert perch.

11ish: Phwoar. No... no... really... phwoar. What's this? A goose egg? What am I supposed to do with a bloody goose egg? No... no... it's filled with the creamiest, rose flavoured creme brulee. Mmmm. Licky licky yum yum. You like licky licky yum yum? Me like licky licky yum yum.

Whenever: Bloody fantastic meal and Jane's a real cracker. What? Dev's coming over to talk to us. Keep your eyes off my friggin' bird mate. She's my bird now. Yes. Yes business rates are excruciating. Yes, your wonderful food is very much like art. Art food. More brandy now though. More brandy please. No, no, it's not really a curry house, more gourmet fine dining. Delicate flavours. Michelin mentioned, that sort of thing. Has she spotted my spare tyre? Must... suck... in... stomach... bollocks I just let off a silent one. Hope it isn't too deadly.

Wheneverer: Cab home. We're sharing a cab home. If I just brush up against her thigh maybe she'll cotton on. Wish I hadn't drunk so much. Wish I'd had more to drink. If I touch... this... er... crap, she's getting out. Oh well, didn't really fancy her anyway.

[That's enough tasting notes - Ed]

Click here for Jane Wenham-Jones' version in today's Gazunder
Dev says 'business as usual' in yourfannitinnit
Click here for the Indian Princess website
Rename the Princess on Facebook and win dinner for two!


Peter Checksfield said...

I wouldn't mind going there myself! Very yummy!

Anonymous said...

Agree with you there Pete, a couple of pints and Jane becomes rather attractive!

Malaprop said...

How all restaurant reviews should be written!

Anonymous said...

I'd give her one!

Anonymous said...

Easy tiger, she's spoken for.

Anonymous said...

It's all sounding very Martin Amisish.

Anonymous said...

Anon 4.50 Last time I saw her it took 8 pints and two whisky chasers to improve the view

Anonymous said...

Sexist pr*cks.

Anonymous said...

An ugly woman speaks, there.
Pricks, by their very nature, are sexist.

Anonymous said...

Sexist c*nts?

Anonymous said...

Neatly trimmed in there anon 5.07

We are currently trying to reach 38 Mornington Crescent via Lucy Mail's blethering blog.

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with being sexiest?

Anonymous said...

So, Jane Wangham Jones has had a couple of books published. This somehow entitles her to a a large column in the local rag to espouse her views. For instance, she thinks that those who complain about aircraft noise are selfish; that they should just put up with it so that she and her posh nob friends can go on cheap holidays from Manston. No wonder ECR didn't turn up for the date. No wonder he sent John Self along instead. They should get along famously.

The Real J WJ said...

ECR IS one of my posh nob friends DAHLING... He's taking me on a night flight to Maxims just as soon as they get Paris sorted. He promised straight away to make up for palming me off on one of his ghastly chums. "Being selfish" is just one of our little itsy-bitsy jokes. If you get my drift...

Anonymous said...

Both reviews very interesting, I would be interested in how much meal cost as sounded delicious!!

Anonymous said...

The taster meal Jane had is around £40.

Anonymous said...

Lunch is between £9 and £20

Anonymous said...

ECR is of the vintage to make the old Princess joke

"We treated her like a Princess (saw to it she was well lubricated and she rewarded us with a good ride)"

Priness Sheerline

Didn't fall for the calibre gambit on Mornington Crescent there anon !!

Richard Eastcliff said...

Haha! Nice motoring joke there, 11:18!