Monday, May 10, 2010

Ask Sister Assumpta - Hung Parliament Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your election problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I went to a good school and university, and have always told everyone I would be Prime Minister one day. However, despite my wealthy friend Michael helping me win the most seats, I now find myself having to talk to some lefty oik before he will let me have the keys to No 10. This is becoming a nightmare. Please help! D.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feckin toffee-nosed twonk! Sure yer actin the cuntin maggot, with yer face like me uncle's barse! Just let him kick yer back doors in. Yer both feckin public school eejits, yer should be used to gettin yer old lad covered in bum juice. Now feck off yer clatty prick before I gnaw me flange off with boredom!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I went to quite a good school and an alright university, and have always told everyone that I would one day have a friend who was Prime Minister. Although I do not actually have many friends, one of them has asked me if I would help him form a government, but I am not sure he shares my commitment to fairness and electoral reform. What should I do? N.

Sister Assumpta writes: Holy Mother of God yer benjy feckstick! What a thick bogger cunt! Yer should be chubbed up that he's even lookin at a Bombay shitehawk like yerself! Yer should be smiling like a cat with a cream flavoured arsehole! Now feck off and do some old prayin to Mother Mary
!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I, uh, went to a state school and a pisspoor university, but have somehow managed to become Prime Minister without ever being elected. I, uh, do not have any friends, and now some of the other boys are ganging up on me and trying to, uh, evict me from my house. Can you suggest any ways of stopping them? G.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck off yer feckin chancer, before I give yer a clatter in the jaw and a mug of warm badger's milk! Yer about as much use as a pencil in a cocktrough! Now go fish the cosbies out of yer Jap's eye, yer big dirty growler!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Sister,

This is not about the election, but I wondered if the , "Red Whore of Rome" as Mr Paisley calls him might want to sell the Popemobile ? .

I know due to recent events the church is a little strapped for readies, and we have been looking for a decent camper van on Ebay .

Exactly how many could it sleep and does it come with a toilet ?

Yours hopefully Mr Dickens of Broadstairs

Anonymous said...

Dear Sister Assumpta, During the election campaign smarty arsed DC's team told me that a vote for that Nick bloke would be a vote for glass eyed GB. I still voted for Nick as I don't like being told what to do by toffee nosed idiots, but now it seems that DC's team were a bunch of fibbers and are trying to get Nick to join them.

Who can I complain to?

HolyMoley

The Rock said...

Suggest you sink to your knees, clasp your hands together, incline your eyes upward and complain to Richard Dawkins's arch nemesis, the Almighty. Mind you, you were always on a hiding to nothing if you voted Lib/Dem to keep GB out but didn't want DC either. The real alliance to fear is the Lab/Lib/PC/SNP/DUP one which would result in belt tightening in England only under a Scottish president!!

The Cock said...

I quite agree with the previous comment, even though I didn't really understand it.

The Rock said...

Fair enough, Cock, I didn't either but thought it sounded OK!

Anonymous said...

The stumbling block in the con/libdem bargaining has come down to the "Thanet Issue". The cons want to cast Thanet adrift and make it into an island again, saving the government enough cash to solve its entire budget problem.
The cons also want to knock Turner 2 down as a punishment for "lord" Carter of KCC exposing the cons education policy as favouring the more affluent parents.

The libdems want to carry on where labour left off by continuing with cash for such schemes as the £110,000 per month to TDC for getting the workshy back into work and rebuilding Dreamland so that it can be set on fire again.

The Libdems have a point here.

HolyMoley said...

Dear Rock

Don't think you have been keeping abreast of the news, no Scottish president now (seemed to understand that we don't have a presidential system, but hey ho). Did I say I wanted to keep GB out? This is Thanet, whose population would vote for a donkey if it wore a blue rosette, so a middle path seemed appropriate. Still seem to be getting the donkey though.

Would be interested to hear from Sister Assumpta on this point.

PS With the rate of obesity as high as it is, a bit of belt tightening might help :)

The CRock said...

Too many cons and not enough pros, 5:45.
There should be one on every street corner, for balance!

Retired said...

Thank you ECR.

At toimes yer a fecking geney arse ...

Retireded said...

Hear, hear!

Anonymous said...

Sister, can you see your way clear to helping a poor unfortunate Tory Councillor in Westgate. In much the same way as many in Thanet have found out things, or suspect things, about his eminence - cardinal polish simon - himself has now apparently discovered that his local rival Tom King - named after a city in Southern China - is no sort of independent but a red socialist. And he's taken to plastering it all over his blog. If it's true, how come it's not been unearthed before? Or was his eminence just waiting for the right time? Now, I would agree that Thommo should come clean, but this all seems a bit odd to me.

Anonymous said...

Sister, it gets even better. Now the "yesterday Labour, today Tory, tomorrow who knows" Ken Gregory has crawled out of the woodwork on Thanet Life and pointed his finger (I think it's a finger) at Tom King. I have a suggestion for him and his billy-no-mates chum, "I wasn't Farage's pilot" Simon Moores. Why not confront Tom King personally, instead of behaving like pant-wetting schoolchildren and making comments on your blogs. You both accuse others of using blogs inappropriately - abide by your own "claimed" standards.

Anonymous said...

Who is Tom King?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Nigel Farage, I think that the AAIB must ban the towing of banners by all aircraft until they have identified the cause of Nigel's accident. The pilot himself may take the risk but the polulation down below must be protected. After all the messages being displayed are hardly life or death messages.

Anonymous said...

Tom King is one of the threee Councillors for Westgate Ward. He is an Independent. One of the other two is Tory Moores.

Anonymous said...

The fact that someone had to ask who Tom King is speaks volumes. At least everyone knows who Simon is.

Anonymous said...

Simon who!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

How could anyone not know the biggest self-publicist on the Isle of Thanet. That's not a distinction.

Peter Checksfield said...

I'M the biggest self-publicist in Thanet!!!

Anonymous said...

It strikes me that I have got exactly what I wanted with this LibTory thing. Labour had to go but I didn't trust the Tories not to be the same old Nasty Party like they are here in Thanet. With the Lib Dems tempering the old Tory instinct to favour the rich and conscience-free of Britain, and by the way they have conducted themselves in these negotiations, I think we have the makings of a government that could be good, or as good as it can be, for everyone.

More than that, it'll piss Thanet's Thatchersauruses off mightily ha ha!

Richard Eastcliff said...

Surely I'm the biggest self publicist in Thanet, Pedro?

Er, no, wait, that can't be right, can it? Because despite running the most popular blog in the history of Thanet, if not the world, for almost five years, I've never flogged my own ego, services or products here.

Perhaps I've missed a trick. Perhaps I should go public so that my wonderfulness can be there to behold for the entire Thanet nation? I might even be able to make a few double glazing sales that way.

Thinks - if I piss Bignews Tony off enough, I could even get him to spill the beans and do my dirty work for me. Trebles all round!

Peter Checksfield said...

ECR, I'll gladly (erm) reveal all for you!

As long as I get plenty of publicity out of it.

Richard Eastcliff said...

At last! An offer from the Spencer Tunick of Thanet! All my dreams have come true!