Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your election problems!
Dear Sister Assumpta, I went to a good school and university, and have always told everyone I would be Prime Minister one day. However, despite my wealthy friend Michael helping me win the most seats, I now find myself having to talk to some lefty oik before he will let me have the keys to No 10. This is becoming a nightmare. Please help! D.
Sister Assumpta writes: Feckin toffee-nosed twonk! Sure yer actin the cuntin maggot, with yer face like me uncle's barse! Just let him kick yer back doors in. Yer both feckin public school eejits, yer should be used to gettin yer old lad covered in bum juice. Now feck off yer clatty prick before I gnaw me flange off with boredom!
Dear Sister Assumpta, I went to quite a good school and an alright university, and have always told everyone that I would one day have a friend who was Prime Minister. Although I do not actually have many friends, one of them has asked me if I would help him form a government, but I am not sure he shares my commitment to fairness and electoral reform. What should I do? N.
Sister Assumpta writes: Holy Mother of God yer benjy feckstick! What a thick bogger cunt! Yer should be chubbed up that he's even lookin at a Bombay shitehawk like yerself! Yer should be smiling like a cat with a cream flavoured arsehole! Now feck off and do some old prayin to Mother Mary!
Dear Sister Assumpta, I, uh, went to a state school and a pisspoor university, but have somehow managed to become Prime Minister without ever being elected. I, uh, do not have any friends, and now some of the other boys are ganging up on me and trying to, uh, evict me from my house. Can you suggest any ways of stopping them? G.
Sister Assumpta writes: Feck off yer feckin chancer, before I give yer a clatter in the jaw and a mug of warm badger's milk! Yer about as much use as a pencil in a cocktrough! Now go fish the cosbies out of yer Jap's eye, yer big dirty growler!
That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.