That's The Spirit!

I'm indebted to those splendid chaps at the Oostende (Ostend in old money) Ferries Forum for these glimpses of the Ostend Spirit, the new LD Lines superduperferry which is due to enter service between Ramsgate and Ostend this coming Saturday, 27 March.

I'm told it's hard to get any closer to the vessel, which is currently undergoing preparations in Ostend. But these pictures certainly give you a sense of the scale of the thing. It's several orders of magnitude larger than any of the current TransEuropa tubs, and probably at the very limit of what our lovely port can handle. Let's hope the dredging's been done properly!

Of course, in her previous incarnation as the Prins Filip she used to ply the Ostend Ramsgate route in the 90s, so we know she'll fit. It's just that, thanks to our beloved council, a lot less water has flowed under the bridge since then, if you get my drift!

Janet Sinks Her Teeth Into Thanet Earth

Lorks! I see my old chum Janet Street Porter has had a right go at Thanet Earth in today's Daily Wail. The begnashered one writes:

Last Saturday, I bought some tasty tomatoes in Tesco. On the packet it said they had been grown in Kent. I paid a visit to the 'farm' and discovered it was called Thanet Earth, situated on 220 acres of prime farmland overlooking the beautiful village of Minster and the beaches of Sandwich Bay.

There aren't any fields at Thanet Earth, just an enormous box, the largest greenhouse in the UK, the size of ten football pitches. The lights are on all night, and inside are growing millions and millions of tomatoes.

At the moment, the site is not complete - there are a handful of these enormous greenhouses growing strawberries, cucumbers, peppers, tomatoes and salad ingredients, but by this summer, there will be seven. It's larger than an airfield.

How on earth did Thanet Earth get past the local planners? Because they promised employment. For the sake of just 550 jobs, a piece of Kent the size of 80 football pitches has been obliterated by these monstrosities.

OK, they recycle their own water and are energy efficient, and my tomatoes only travelled ten miles, but they've been grown in an environment more like Mars than Margate, fed hydroponically with nutrient enriched water, under lights switched on and off by computer.

And as we now know, not even 550 Thanet jobs Janet! But Ms Street Porter, who lives up the road in Whitstable and has been spotted noshing in Ramsgate restaurants, is mainly exercised by the new Waitrose TV campaign starring Delia Smith and Bloomin' Hestenthal, whom she describes as the Eric and Ernie of TV cookery. I too have a beef about our local Waitrose. Arriving near to closing time the other day, I was confronted by this:

I duly did. And then the blasted thing shut! Kuh!

Ferry Excited!

My spies across the water tell me that preparations are well under way for the start of the LD Lines ferry service between Ramsgate and Oostende (Ostend in old money)! Ostender Frank writes:

As you might know the ex Prins Filip is now back home at the port of Oostende. She is getting a beauty treatment at this moment. She was the Norman Spirit of LD lines and now becomes the Ostend Spirit, she remains flying the British flag but has changed homeport.

Instead of Southampton it's now ...... RAMSGATE! She must be the biggest vessel ever with Ramsgate as homeport. Signs that things are improving in Ramsgate... lol

However Robert, another Ostender, sounds a small note of disappointment:

I see that the NEW passenger ferry are starting from Ramsgate this week! BUT only if you are in a vehicle, no foot passengers. LD Lines’ tourist fares on the Ramsgate - Ostend service will be available for cars and passengers, cars and caravans, motorhomes, motorcycles and for added on board passenger comfort facilities include cabins and sleeper seats. LD Lines’ launch offer starts from £24 single for a car and five passengers, subject to availability.

Well, let's hope everything's ready in our lovely port for the big ferry's big day!

Eddie Gilbert's 1, Harvey's 0

I see top food critic Jay Rayner has given Eddie Gilbert's on Ramsgate's 'King Street the thumbs up in today's Observer! His review is peppered (geddit?!!?!) with approbria such as 'impressive', 'expertly fried fish' and 'Oh my'.

Unfortunately, though, he doesn't much rate mad chef John Burton Race's effort on the front, Harvey's. Mr Rayner concludes:

It would be regarded as peevish of me to compare Eddie Gilbert's with another fish restaurant in the same town. That's not going to stop me doing so. Last year I gave a mediocre review to Harvey's, a new venture with the rancid John Burton Race as exec chef. Still, I held out the hope that it could improve. I was too kind, and as my job is to hand out recommendations, I'm going to do just that. Leave Harvey's in peace. If you want intriguing fish cookery in Ramsgate with lots of flair but no fannying around, go to Eddie Gilbert's. Simple as that.

No wonder, then, that I hear EG's is booked solid for a month of Sunday's, Saturday's, Friday's....

Update: Given the number of, er, rank reviews there have been for Harvey's I've sadly had to remove it from the list of 'Recommended Nosheries' in my sidebar. However, to keep up the Ramsgate contingent I've replaced it with Alexandra Ristorante, that nice Italian eatery on the harbour.

Click here to read Eddie Gilbert's review in the Observer
Click here to visit Eddie Gilbert's website

Rub-A-Dub Dub, Three Men And A Tub

The latest word on the Eurof*****s front is that they're running out of options for a vessel. Now that Fred Olsen have ruled out the use of this...

it's been suggested on the rumour mill that they might have to resort to using this...

Haha! No, it wasn't a serious suggestion. It was meant to be a joke. J-O-K-E. Lawyers do understand jokes, don't they?

I'll Have What He's Having

Whatever drugs Our Glorious Leader Sandy Beach is on, I've got to get me some. Why? Well if you read his column in this week's Gazunder, the only possible conclusion you could come to is that he's sprinkling too many mandies on his Special K these days.

Nine tenths of the wordage is about Europe, the state of the pound, Gordon Brown and the Lib Dems. Quite what any of that has to do with keeping the public conveniences open or the 30% hole in Margate's retail sector is beyond me. But ah, at the very end we get two sentences which may be of relevance: 'We are not cutting our front line services and will see a tourism program (sic) to match that of last year. We also listen to you and are not closing, as speculated, a single toilet.'

After all that high fallutin' talk of sterling, forex, Standard and Poor's, and deficits, the last sentence would almost certainly qualify for the Bathos of the Year Award. But Sandy in his euphoric state seems to have forgotten the Great Khazi Stink of 2009, when our beloved council didn't close a single toilet, it closed loads of them. As for not cutting front line services, it's been a few years since that sweepy-uppy man used to tour the grimy back streets here on the East Cliff every week. Now he only comes if you ring the council on your mobile and complain that you can't open the door to get out of your car because the gutter's knee deep in empty Stella cans.

Now, of course I'm not seriously suggesting that the Tory leader of Thanet Council is a drug addict. No, that could get me into all kinds of trouble. But he is a man of a certain age, and I do worry about his memory. Even at the ripe old age of 29, I sometimes find my memory ain't what it used to be.

Even at the ripe old age of 29, I sometimes find my memory ain't what it used to be. But it's not only Sandy's long term memory that's shot. His short term memory's going too! A tourism 'program' to match that of last year? Er, turn to page 3 and you'll find only a few days ago he slashed every Visitor Information Centre bar Margate's (natch). Unless by 'program' he means the £££s of ££££s poured into Margate events, which seem to grow each year like dry rot on a dilapidated council asset.

With a memory like that, isn't it time the poor old fella handed in his cards?

East Of The Wantsum

Here's today's EotW, based on Thanet Community Safety Partnership's plan to 'name and shame' the local ne'er-do-wells. As you can see, nothing politically balanced this week! But all true, of course.

Meanwhile I gather there's been trouble at t'Gazunder Towers over an item in today's paper claiming that the new boss of Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport wants to fly 156m knackered old jumbos over Ramsgate every night. As I haven't seen the paper myself, being up in that London pitching my latest oeuvre (How Clean Are Your Celebrity Millionaire Neighbour's Embarrassing Genitals?) to Channel 4, I can't really comment. But I gather knickers were well and truly twisted!

Crate Expectations

In Memoriam
Matt Clarke
Back to New Zealand
After bossing Manston

So farewell
Then, Matt Clarke.

'6 million passengers'
That was your
Catchphrase.

I would say more
But nobody
Would hear me
Above the racket
Of knackered 747s
Loaded with
Dodgy yams.

E. C. Richard (29)

Balancing Act

After that last item I'm legally bound to make an equal mockery of all the other parties that are standing for election on our septic isle. So here's the latest from those amusing chaps at mydavidcameron.com, based on the Tories' current 'I've never voted Tory before' poster campaign.

Click on the pic to go to the website and marvel at just how, with a little invention and humour, a multi-million pound campaign funded by a multi-millionaire tax condom can be rendered utterly worthless!

What's Dat Dair Den?

Here's a shot I just nabbed from Dr Steve Ladyman MP's embryonic Facebook campaign to, er, re-elect Steve Ladyman for South Thanet (173 members and counting).

But what's he got in his hands? Clearly not the keys to No 10. The keys to his Ferrari and two other sports cars perhaps? Or has he been plundering iPods off der kids in a civic minded anti-anti-social behaviour offensive on the buses? Answers on the usual postcard please!

Wither Margate?

Reader Dan from London writes:

I grew up in Thanet in the 80s but moved away when I went to uni. I now live and work in London as do most of my former Thanet friends, and my parents moved from Thanet to Devon in 1990. I saw your item about Google street view coming to Thanet last week and when I looked I was shocked to see so many derelict properties in Margate. The last time I was there, twenty years ago, it was a vibrant, colourful, fun, bustling seaside town.

I was so upset that I decided to come down on the train for a day at the weekend and take a look around. I can hardly express my feelings about what I saw. How on earth did this happen? I have attached some photos which you are welcome to use on your blog.

Kind regards,

Dan

Well Dan, there are enough theories around to write a PhD on the decline of Margate! It's not all bad news though. Next month there's an empty shops symposium, there's literally tens of millions being spent on arts regeneration, heritage theme park regeneration and a whole bunch of 'renewal' types beavering away. Last week another £4m was gifted for flood defences, and only today the council announced that Margate's Visitor Information Centre was the only one on the island that's going to remain open! Even Arlington House is going to get a facelift courtesy of Tesco, as long as the residents can cough up £17,000 each towards the cost of the makeover.

So the message is 'Don't get too despondent'! Any-old-hoo, I haven't been to Margate in the daylight for months, so let's take a look at wot you got:

Yep, murals on the boarded up shops. Keeps everything looking fine and dandy! Er, but not here though:

Or here:

Or, er, here:

And no, I haven't seen the Shell Ladies recently either. One or two Hell Ladies, but no Shell Ladies haha! Ooh, here's the Rice Bowl, my favourite Chinese restaurant in the Hole of Fannit!

Hang on. What's that sign in the window?

Oh well. At least you can still buy fags and your paper, can't you?

Nope. looks like Harbour News on the Piazza (Parade in old money) has scarpered too, along with the restaurant next door:

Flamin' Nora! This really is getting depressing. I could use a drink in one of them trendy new bars!

Oh yes, that place rather ironically caught fire a year or two ago. Never mind, I'll try up the high street.


Now, here's a place that's had millions spent on it. The Turner Contemporary Temporary:


Oh gawd! I see what you mean Dan. Pass the razor blade!

500 Local Jobs And A Visitor Centre? Oops!

Happy Paddy's Day! Er, that's actually got nothing to do with the next bit.

No, it's back to Thanet Earth with a bump. There's my old TV chum John Craven up there when he visited the 38m hectare greenhouse while it was under construction. Remember when this one slipped under the planning radar as an 'agricultural' (as opposed to industrial) development, we were promised 500 local jobs and a visitor centre? Well, as I exclusively revealed last week the visitor centre's on hold and the Ramsgate staffing agency detailed to hand out all those local jobs has shut.

Now intrepid yourfannitinnit reporter Tom Betts has followed up my scoop with a front page splash today on the types of people employed at the conservatory on the patio of the garden of England. And the best they could come up with? The majority of the 83 people working for the marketing department are British. Not Thanetian. British. Of the other 350 or so working there at any one time, it's a mix of Polish, Estonian, Hungarian, Latvian, Slovakian, Lithuanian, Nigerian, Dutch and British.

My point here is not to reignite the recent argy-bargy about foreign workers. Apart from the light pollution, some queries over the water table, the fact that none of their produce actually touches Thanet earth and, er, the light pollution, I'm actually rather in favour of the place. And despite describing their tomatoes as 'watery pip bags' a while back, I'm currently munching my way through a delicious pack of their 'sunstream' red 'uns. Good luck to the lads and lasses of whatever nationality who work there I say! As Thanet Earth point out: 'To clarify a frequent misunderstanding, we wish to make clear that it would be unlawful for any of the employer-companies at Thanet Earth to discriminate either positively or negatively on grounds of nationality, just as it would be unlawful for us to do so on grounds of race, gender, age, religion or belief, sexual orientation or disability.'

No, my argument is with our beloved council who, whenever someone applies for planning permission to dig up our lovely island soil to plonk a whopping great load of sheds on it, cry 'Jobs!' 'There are so many unemployed in Thanet,' they whine, 'that we should be bending over forwards to accommodate these nice people who are going to bring us all these lovely, lovely jobs'. Bull. It's a promise they simply can't make. Maybe some locals were employed fitting the office carpets. And some slum landlords will have rented out their hovels to the poor eastern European lads. A few shop keepers might benefit. But Thanet jobs for Thanet people? Pull the other one, it's got bell peppers on it!

Click here to read full story in yourfannitinnit

£20,000? I'll Eat My Hat! And His Too!

A little bird tells me that mARgaTe's mad hatter's sea party on Saturday (see item below) was bounteously funded from the public purse to the tune of 20 grand!

Well, er, probably not just that event, but the month long 'Dead Season Live Art Margate' project apparently rinsed that amount out of the Arts Council of the South East. And has mostly been attended by the artists and, er, other artists.

For 20K I certainly would expect more than a few boxes on heads. Surely if we'd handed out a fiver to the first 4,000 people to arrive at Margate station it would have attracted more visitors and done more for the town's economy?

Separated At Birth?

Reader Samantha writes:

Has anyone noticed the striking similarity between Tory Dr/Cllr Simon Moores' latest item on Thanet Life, where he compares the national debt to a credit card bill, and Labour MP Dr Steve Ladyman's latest article on his website, in which he compares the national debt to a credit card bill?

Are they by any chance related?

Separated At Birth?

Reader Samantha writes:

Has anyone noticed the similarity between the recent Bignews Margate item entitled 'Blatant discrimination of British workers as non Polish speakers need not apply' here, and the article entitled 'Open doors EU policy gives British jobs to Polish workers' on the BNP website here?

Are they by any chance related?

Hurray For Fannywood!

Having been roused from my Buckfast in bed twice this morning by the sound of knackered old jumbos roaring feet over the old Kent pegs, I thought I'd see if there was anything on the internet telling me just what Infratil, the airport's owners, put back into the community in recompense for all this disturbance.

Nothing, nix, nada when it came to Manston. But in their home country of New Zealand they're planning to erect a 'Wellywood' sign near Wellington Airport to celebrate the Kiwis' burgeoning film industry. Infratil's website boasts:

Wellington Airport is a big supporter of the capital’s film industry. It’s a relationship that has steadily grown since the industry began to flourish around 17 years ago. The Airport is part of the film industry’s essential infrastructure.

Construction of the sign, which will measure 28m by 3,5m, is expected to be completed in June.

Now this got me thinking. What with an annual Fannit International Film Festival, two other film festivals run by those nice Beeping Bush people in Margate, another film festival rumoured for Ramsgate, and Medb Films down by our Royal Harbour, surely Infratil could treat us to our own 'Fannywood' sign here in the tip of Kent?

On second thoughts, though, we did have a very large, airport related sign round here recently, didn't we?

Mad Hatter's Sea Party

Whitstable reader Liz writes:

Having read in yesterday's Guardian that the 'wonkiest art event of the week' was going to take place in Margate I was intrigued enough to drive the 20 minutes to find out more.

Although Harold Offeh's 'Margate's First Beaux Arts Ball' courtesy of the town's Limbo Arts did not seem very well attended it did seem more authentic than the Turner Contemporary's recent bogus walk around a swimming pool. Locals were invited to dress up as their favourite buildings in the town and a parade was held in the afternoon.

Quite why it needed two video cameramen to capture this small group for posterity was however beyond me. Surely whatever funding went into that element could have been better used on materials etc? I have sent you some photos please feel free to use them on your excellent website.

Pickwick Capers

Regular Ramsgate reader Steve writes:

Happy Mother's Day - NOT!

I go to bed early last night having prepared breakfast, put teabags in the pot for the morning, written card from my infant son - it was all ready for the big day today.

Imagine my, and my wife's, disappointment when we were awoken about 0230 this morning by the sound of a nearby car horn - which went on and on and on.......

After about 5 minutes of this, shouting and screaming could also be heard. Police were called, clothes donned and a walk to the end of the road to see what all the commotion was about.

What is it about carpet fitters and Thanet? One seems intent on ruining it right from the top, whilst the others seem to scrape around the bottom pissing everyone off in between. Pickwicks Carpets from Park Lane Ramsgate had picked up his very drunk girlfriend, had an argument whilst driving home, and decided to park up on the way and have a row which woke a whole neighbourhood up. She locked herself in the van, honked the horn for 15 minutes while her idiot carpet-fitter other half screamed abuse from the outside.

So, if you were woken up by this pr*ck this morning, please do what I am going to do - ring them tomorrow morning and ask them for a quote for fitting some shagpile. When asked how much you need, tell them you want enough to stuff in your ears so you can't hear their idiotic employees arguing at the end of your road at 2.30 in the morning.

Hmmm. Sounds like he was giving her a right carpeting Steve. Still, it's better than being woken up by a noisy shag! Or seagull. Er, no. I don't know what I'm talking about now either.

Little Change On The Eurof*****s Front

Loathe as I am to mention Eurof*****s for fear of being taken to the cleaners by their wolf pack of highly paid m'learneds, I think I can safely say that their latest deadline for launching a Ramsgate Boulogne service came and went a while ago. I gather they're now intending to start in April (possibly the 1st, as suggested in yesterday's Gazunder by my columnist chum Jane Wenham-Jones).

What is ever-so-slightly new is their website (click on pic to visit). Gone is the claim to be 'the leading fast ferry operator on the English Channel between Ramsgate and Boulogne' and in comes: 'Eurof*****s is a high speed ferry operator between the ports of Ramsgate and Boulogne.'

Also new for March is this promise: 'Should there be a delay to the launch of service and you are therefore unable to travel with us you will be informed & given a full refund.'

Meanwhile one rumour mill is even suggesting that Thanet Council's very own Director of Regeneration and Development Services Brian White is 'the guy they employed to deal with the coach traffic'. I'm sure our Brian, and the rest of the island, will be delighted to hear of his elevation!

Click here to visit previous version of Eurof*****s website

Vote For A Fair Change For All In Britain

So, the Lib Dems have a porn star standing for them (fnarr), and have announced their election slogan today: 'Change that works for you. Building a fairer Britain.' Hmm. Almost as snappy as a Daily Mail headline.

Of course, with the election only a few weeks off they're not the only major party to have sprinkled their bumf with Obama dust. The Tories have got 'Vote for Change'. However, Our Gordon Master and his gang have eschewed the C-word and gone for 'One eye's better than none.' Oh, no, er, sorry, 'A fairer future for all'. Speaking purely from a complexion point of view, with all this talk of 'fair' both the Lib Dem and Labour slogans could also be the BNP slogan if you think about it.

Locally, though, these rallying cries will need a bit of tweaking. Certainly 'Vote for change' would work well in Roger Gale's Norf Fannit manor, as 27 years of the old duffer is probably more than enough for anyone. Here in the sarf, the Tories could try 'Not all blondes are dumb'. Labour's Steve Ladyman, whose constant droning about the importance of the airport to the local economy has frankly given me the poojabs, should go with 'Red bull gives you wings'.

And how about the environmental lobby sexing themselves up and losing the bamboo sandals and hemp undercrackers image with 'Eat your Greens'? Finally, let us not forget UKIP commands a lot of support in these parts. Anyone for 'Still fighting WWII'?

East Of The Wantsum BOGOF!

Yes folks, it's Buy One Get One Free week in your super, soaraway Ricardus Eastcliffiensis! Not that any money changes hands for these things. Still, I like to think they're priceless. So here's this week's doodle, as featured in today's Isle of Thanet Gazunderer. Click on the pic to big it up.

And below is the first version, which the powers that be rejected on the grounds that it contained 'too much swearing'. Given that it was Mike Pearce's column in the very same Gazunder that started the whole Turner a*******s row, I think it's a bit rich, don't you? Or maybe they've been 'nobbled' by a 'very senior Thanet Council officer'!

Malice In Blunderland?

Hurrah! Now I don't even have to leave my cliff top mansion to explore the delights of those grimy back streets behind Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff!

With the launch of Google Street View in Thanet today, I can now fester in front of the computer, trusty bottle of Morrisons Morrinov vodka by my side, and stumble around the Millionaires' Playground without even lifting a foot. Plus my foot will now be less plastered in dog doo-doo from having to negotiate the festering pavements hereabouts! It's a win-win! Although Google will insist on labelling Ramsgate as Margate. Idiots.

Hang on. What if the local ne'er do wells get wind of this new service courtesy of California's billionaire internet boffins? They could case my cliff top mansion without even having to mooch around outside, looking suspicious. Nah. On second thoughts, they're all way too stupid. I've had a good sniff around our Sandy's gaff in Broadstairs though. Nice carpets!

Click here to read about Google Street View in Thanet

Ted's Pet Care Corner

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our animal loving expert Ted solves your pet-related health problems!

Dear Ted, during the recent cold weather I thought Hammy my hamster looked a bit chilly, so I put my sun lamp next to his cage. Unfortunately I then went on holiday for two weeks and forgot to turn it off. Now that I've returned, he does not seem anywhere near as lively or playful as he was before. I enclose a picture. Is there anything I can do to restore him back to health? Would a new wheel reinvigorate him?

Hoping you can help. T.

Ted writes: Nah, he's a gonner. Chuck 'im outside.

Do you have a pet that's feeling poorly? Email your problem, preferably with a photograph, to Ted@richardeastcliff.co.uk

It's It's A Pothole Blitz!

I see that ruddy-faced man from Kent County Council has announced a 'pothole repair blitz'. Tory leader Paul Carter declared 'an army of road maintenance crews' will be mobilised to tackle the county's crumbling roads.

Two points here. The first is that whenever Paul Carter talks about 'Kent', he is invariably referring to an area within a ten mile radius of Maidstone. I don't know about you, but it's barely possible to drive more than a few yards in Thanet without the jalopy jiggling around like an old nana's knockers at a Graham Norton taping.

Secondly, I rather thought the word 'blitz' referred to what the Germans did to Blighty in WWII. There are still gaping great holes on the island where the Teutons carried out urban regeneration by carpet bombing. Exactly the opposite of a repair job, in fact. 70 years on and they still haven't been, er, filled in. Still, that's Cllr Carter for you. Always putting his foot in his pothole!

Click here to read about KCC's 'pothole blitz' on BBC News website

Confibula Comeodi

Or 'Clamp Comedians', as we say in the Queen's English. I see intrepid yourfannitinnit newshound Tom Betts has followed up his video of Dreamland's queer clampers with an exclusive front page splash today!

According to the paper at least one of the CSS Parking Solutions operatives who've been clamping little old ladies and demanding £120 for the release of their vehicles has not been properly licensed by the Security Industry Authority. It could mean that the poor, disabled 80 year olds with terminal illnesses that these people have been preying on at Dreamland, the Lido and other north island beauty spots may be able to reclaim their folding. Hurrah!

But that's not the end of Tom's revelations! The kitten-loving former Tory Mayor of Margate Ted Watt-Ruffell, who used to be Chief Clamper at Dreamland, reveals in the story that absentee former Tory councillor Panama Steve Broadhurst's company Probe no longer has the Dreamland security contract from our Jimmy's Margate Town Centre Regeneration Company. So who's keeping an eye on the place now? A carelessly discarded cigarette end, a clumsily knocked over can of unleaded, and it could be 7/4/08 all over again!

Click here to read full story in yourfannitinnit

Update: Knickers! Thanks to all who pointed out my link to yourfannitinit was bogus. It's fixed now. That's what you get for having to drink half a bottle of Buckfast just to take the edge off in the mornings.

Arse Gratia Fartis

Testes! Ego am finding this Latin mullarcius a bit of a dolor in the rectum! So I'll probably just restrict the old lingua latina to headlines from now on.

Any-old-quam, I hear that a date and name for the putative Ramsgate Arts Festival has finally been, er, finalised. So put 28, 29 and 30 August (August Bank Holiday weekend in old money) in your diaries for... da-dah... Summer Squall! Click on the pic to go to their websitium.

Quite what they'll be putting on, though, is anyone's guess. I'm thinking jugglers, fire eaters, wind sculptures and scary-yet-somehow-arty clowns. But what do I know? (Don't answer that). The Ramsgate summer season is filling up, what with the rotters at Thanet Council organising their own rival Monster Bass arts festival in the Millionaires' Playground, the possibility of an open air rock festival in the park, Ramsgate Week courtesy of the Shirley Temple Yacht Club, and another rock concert to go alongside powerboat racing in September.

I haven't heard much talk about Ramsgate Rocks though. Usually it's in July and diverts enough folding into the pockets of the bar owners on the front to keep them in Range Rover V8s with personalised number plates (class!) all year round!

Sic Transit Gloria Mariportae

Eheu! Omnes Mariportani tristes erunt! India Regis Filia sine dubio solvendo non est. Hic proscriptio in Acta Diurna Tenetis erat (clickus photum ut augere).

Lingua Latrina

Seeing as I've been ousted on the UK list of most influential blogs by both our local biblio-bloke and Bertie Biggles, I'm taking a bold (some may say desperate) decision to add some class to these jottings.

Both aforementioned organs are distinguished by their lengthy and erudite postings, whereas my musings tend to be short and to the point, often with a touch of toilet humour to help lighten the load. But from now on I'll be posting only in Latin.

Not only should this see the number and quality of readers increase substantially, it'll also have the added benefit of befuddling the bewigged, seeing as this is Big Libel Week. As Cicero once said: 'Caesar adsum iam forte, Brutus adarat. Caesar sic in omnibus, Brutus sic inat.' Benedictus benedicat!

China Gateway Sold For £5m

Haha! No, not that China Gateway, silly! No, the one in Dover.

Reuters reported late on Friday that China Gateway International PLC (formerly Commercial Group Properties, prop. Ken Wills) had exchanged contracts for the disposal of its properties at Western Heights and Farthingloe, Dover to Dover Gateway Limited for a cash consideration of £5 million. Proceeds will be used to reduce the company's indebtedness to Israel Discount Bank Ltd.

What that means for the future of our very own China Gateway, which was granted Phase 1 planning permission in 2008 after much controversy, only Bertie Biggles and his Tesco bag of goodies can tell. Perhaps with another five mill in his pocket, our Ken can now afford another junket to China for Sandy Ezekiel, Roger Latchford and Richard Samuel? Or perhaps not, as 'Dover Gateway Limited' appears to be 40% owned by Ken and co anyway, with 60% owned by something called Priory Land Ltd, registered at a Regus business centre in Bracknell.

Ah, but then Priory Land are providing an interest free loan which will be repaid at some future date. So CGI net three million mazolians! Hurrah! Treble Maotais all round!

Update: The Priory Land Ltd website's now working. I've updated the link. Thanks to MC Bookman for the update!

Click here to read CGI press release

Quad Pro Quo?

Just to prove I can speakus Latinus, just like our local biblio-bloke, my headline's a reminder that quad bikes and assorted other crotch rockets will be whizzing all over Margate Sands for the next two days (click on the pic for details).

That's if they can see the beach for the smoke, as I gather another former hotel that was being converted into apartments went up in flames in Cliftonville this morning.

Carousing with the Margate millionaires last night, the consensus was that the Arsonists' Playground would be better served for publicity and visitors if one of its many teenage mothers gave birth to quads. But that's just an opinion. To be honest the Westcoast bar was kicking, and later in the evening punters spilled out from the Mike and Bernie Winter Gardens having spent a splendid two hours in the company of my old showbiz chum Dara O'Briain. Yes, the Turnip does look like a multi storey car park, but I gather our Frank has bought up most of the property opposite and plans to put a classy establishment in, along the lines of his, er, fashionable Digby and Fayreness gastro pubs. Whether the chattering classes who visit the gallery will be satisfied with chicken in a basket remains to be seen.

Meanwhile I see Communities Secretary John Denham has urged poor old Redcar, which has just had the guts ripped out of it by Corus, to model itself on Margate by building an arts centre and painting murals on all the shop fronts. So at least Margate can look forward to Redcar overtaking it as the emptiest high street in Britain!

Click here to read about John Denham in the Northern Echo

Having A Quick Rank

Yippee! I see I'm up 33 places in Wikio's UK blog ratings this month! I'm now the 521st most influential blog in Britain. Hurrah! The Krug's on me tonight!

East Of The Wantsum

Here's this week's EotW. For once it's been reproduced with total clarity in today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder, unlike other weeks when it's looked as if it's been printed by an arthritic baboon with cataracts.

And Mike Pearce's column is also worth a gander. The turmoil over the Turnip Centre, and the 'very senior TDC officer' who described Turnip naysayers as 'arseholes', continues!

Muddy Waters

Regular readers will know that I often tool around our lovely Royal Harbour in my captain's cap, deck shoes and brass buttoned blazer, cheerily waving my Rolex at all the salty seamen in our naval basin.

On one such occasion earlier this week, I was shocked by the amount of water in the harbour. Er, there wasn't any! I know the tides have been particularly low recently, but there was so little of the beautiful briny in the outer reaches that I'm sure it would be preferable for any craft entering the harbour to be equipped with brakes rather than an anchor.

Now I know El Presidente and his jurassic junta have initiated a costly dredging programme in the port in preparation for the arrival of LD Lines' giant superduperferry Ostend Spirit later in the month. But what about the harbour and marina? Are they preparing to turn it into yet another car park? Or has some local developer chum of theirs put down a brarn envelope deposit on planning permission for a block of luxury flats on the land that's accumulating there? Deputy Rodge is on the record as saying: 'The council is undertaking a major investment programme in the Port and the Marina, the future regeneration initiatives will create jobs and facilitate future investment. This is good news for Ramsgate which, we are convinced, has a very exciting future ahead.' So when do the harbour and marina get the half a mill dredging treatment, eh Rodge? And, um, where's the dosh coming from?

Let's hope some water arrives before Ramsgate becomes the new Davos on 17 March. Yep, that's right, top City firm Bloomberg New Energy Finance is coming to the Millionaires' Playground in a couple of weeks as part of its third annual summit, described as 'the new Davos' (the Swiss resort where I and the rest of the world's economic elite club together once a year). 400 guests and 75 speakers will descend on the Saatchi Gallery, the Science Museum, the London Olympic Park and, er, Thanet Offshore Wind.

As well as some water in the harbour, hopefully there'll also be some businesses left in the harbour arches for the bigwigs to browse in. A bird tells me the Duffers have stopped renewing their leases. Why?

Click here to read more about the dredging in Dredging News
Click here to read more about Ramsgate - the new Davos!

A Statement From Lord Eastcliff

The following statement has been released by Lord Eastcliff's London solicitors Bentley Bugatti Veyron:

There has been considerable speculation in the last few days concerning my tax status. I would like to reassure the British electorate that the £238m I have so far donated to the Conservative Party to help win marginal seats such as Thanet South is in no way 'dodgy'.

Whilst I do spend a considerable amount of time attending to my businesses in the Virgin Islands, Turks and Caicos and Panama, I nonetheless shoulder a hefty tax burden in the UK. Only yesterday I had to pay a substantial amount of VAT on a case of Chateau Lafite Rothschild from Berry Bros. Moreover, while it is also a matter of record that I promised Mr Hague I would pay tens of millions into the Exchequer upon my elevation to the peerage in 2000, it is not my fault that he failed to spot that my fingers were crossed behind my back when I did so.

I trust this will put the ordinary voters' minds at ease. I would urge all right thinking people to vote for my Old Etonian chum Dave in the forthcoming election, and look forward to being elevated to Royal if not God status when he romps home.

Lord Eastcliff
Cliff Top Mansion
Ramsgate

Bloggus Interruptus

I've been flooded with emails (one) saying you can't access my musings here on Thanet's Premier Blog! I assume this is some despicable denial of service attempt by the evil Tory boffins in Cecil Square. Er, or it might be some kind of compatibility issue with Internet Sexplorer.

Right now my team of crack-crazed, teenage platform technicians are working through the night to restore normal service. If you're having problems, do let me know via richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk. Although if you're not seeing the blog, you won't be seeing that either, will you? Bugger it. Pass me the crack pipe Josh.

Should Have Gone To Catsavers

With Thanet featuring yet again in Private Eye this week it makes you wonder whether Lord Gnome should rename his Rotten Boroughs column Rotten Thanet and be done with it. What with all the petition tossing, 'f*cking tosser' calling, absentee councilling and kitty killing that goes on around here. Kuh!

As an antidote to mayoral cruelty against innocent little animals, I thought I'd highlight a Thanet charity that's only recently developed a web presence. Thanet Animal Group has a Pet Rescue Centre which is offering hordes of cute little purrers and woofers to rehome, none of which will be going to Mayor Ted. I'm especially enamoured of Cookie, their Special Cat of the Month, and am seriously contemplating bringing him home to meet Bertie, my pedigree Burmese!

Just click on the pic to visit the TAG Pet Rescue Centre.

Assets Under The Hammer

Sold! For £370,000 to the man in the trilby hat and sheepskin coat standing at the back. And may I say, sir, you've got a bargain. The deeds will be with you as soon as your brown envelope is deposited behind the the third cistern from the left at Ramsgate station.

Thanks to everyone who bid in my online auction of Albion House. We can all take comfort, I think, in the knowledge that the money will be going towards helping the isle's disabled lead more active and fulfilling lives, once a small, er, commission has been taken to carpet my office and double glaze the old cliff top mansion.

Thanks, too, for the hundreds of emails I've received following yesterday's item about the swinging member of Thanet Council. One particular name keeps cropping up, but as I've said before, unless they've hopped it to Panama or killed a kitten, what our elected officials get up to, perfectly legally, in their private lives really doesn't concern me.

Russian About

Make sure your aged Aunt Doris's teeth are firmly glued in on Thursday, as rumour has it one of these heavy lift Russky cargo carriers is due in to Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport. That should make the ming on the old mantelpiece rattle!

I suppose it would be fruitless to speculate on what kind of freight will be in its hold, given the recent queer deliveries at the airport. But I'm told it's coming in to 'pick up something big', and they're 'bringing their own crew in to move whatever it is, with Manston's staff not being allowed to touch it, so there is some degree of secrecy surrounding it.' It's also rumoured to be flying under CCCP markings.

Anyone got any clues what our former Soviet friends could want with something top secret from Thanet that weighs around 40 tonnes?

Click here for more on the Ilyushin Il-96

I See No Ship

Well I thought I'd give them a day's grace. But it really doesn't seem as if the ferry company that I couldn't possibly mention is any closer to starting a service between Ramsgate and Boulogne than it was last year. Or the year before. Despite yesterday being the day they said they were going to launch. For the fourth time.

Even dat dair Dr Steve Ladyman must be despairing by now. After all, it's 417 days since he publicly promised the launch was 'imminent'.

But so far nada. Nix. Nuffink. Just more rumours about another possible fast craft, more refunded fares to disappointed punters and a recorded message on their telephone number. Still, that hasn't stopped Visit Britain (the British Tourist Board in old money) saying they've been running since 14 November.

Meanwhile it looks as if our beloved council will be shelling out something in the region of arfer miwwion knicker to dredge our much neglected harbour to accommodate the Ostend Spirit, LD Lines new superduper ferry that's due to start on the 27th. I wonder where the dosh for that's coming from? Probably out of the flea-bitten kitty they were supposed to use for maintaining their potholed lorry park!

Wherever it's coming from, they'd better get a wriggle on!

Update: The council announced today that the dredging has begun, with some kind of floating super Hoover doing the honours. Click here for more.

King Of The Swingers

Word has reached me through the old millionaires' grapevine that a prominent member of our esteemed council was recently caught with their proverbials down at a 'swingers' party'.

Being rather untutored in matters of the heart, I had to look this one up. And I have to admit, dear reader, I was rather shocked! Apparently these events involve a few shandies followed by the chaps placing some sort of anonymous identifier, such as a set of car keys, in a hat. Lady participants then take it in turns to remove said keys from said hat hoping, one assumes, to have picked a Bentley or Range Rover V8 rather than a J reg Sierra. They then retire to the boudoir with the vehicle's owner for what can only be described as, um, a full service.

Naturally I'm not going to name the member who's been fingered. Whatever people do in their private lives is really no concern of mine. This blog isn't the News of the Screws. Besides, it could well put my source in jeopardy! I'm not having you lot wildly speculating either, so I've disabled comments for this item!

Click here to read more about swinging on Wikipedia
Click here for porn star key cover by Broadstairs firm Elgate

Wow! It's The Summer Of Our Disco Tent!

Hey baby! If you're looking for a summer of lurve and groovy sounds, Thanet's the place to be! No fewer than 417 rock, pop and arts fests are planned for the isle this year. From Peruvian nose pipes to the latest licks from Lady Gaga, we've got the lot!

The fun kicks off in July with outdoor rock festival Thanet Fest planned in King George VI Park, as well as the annual Sound Island Festival at Quex Park with X Factor singing sensations JLS topping the bill. The mood changes for August, when hairy men and women are invited to chillax with a pipe or two of the good stuff to the mellow sounds of Broadstairs Folk Week. Then it's back to headbanging with Ramsgate's Rock on the Dock! The Millionaires' Playground will also be hosting an arts festival in August and, er, another arts festival enticingly dubbed Monster Bass. Then September bangs with another open air rock concert for Ramsgate, alongside the finals of the National Powerboat Championships!

Plus there's heaps of stuff going on in the seedier north of the island. But as that's all coming out of the council tax, I'm sure they can pay for their own publicity!