Dr Who Degenerates

Reader Samantha writes:

Continuing your sci-fi theme, did anyone else notice that former Dr Who Tom Baker, who hosted last week's Have I Got News For You, now bears more than a passing resemblance to his old enemies the Sontarans? Has he by any chance been 'taken over'?

Former egghead

Boiled egg head

Take Me To Your Leader

Reader Mr Dickens of Broadstairs writes:

Following your last item on UFOs, has anyone else noticed the resemblance between Inspector Clay, the zombie police officer from Ed Wood's 1958 classic Plan 9 From Outer Space, and Thanet Council leader Sandy Beach, perhaps whilst enduring an alien probing? Are they by any chance related?

Take me to Uranus

Taken up Uranus

News From Uranus

A report in this week's excellent yourfannitinnit (available free in the corner of all local stores, usually behind the twelve boxes of Haribo etc) that a US fighter pilot was scrambled from RAF Manston in 1957 to attack a UFO 'the size of an aircraft carrier' has prompted the following correspondence:

Picture if you will two young scamps out for a cycle ride in the late 50s. Let's call them Sandy and Roger. They are abducted by aliens. Having been given the usual rectal probing, which seems to be standard procedure in these situations, I would imagine the aliens accepted that there was no intelligent life to be found on Earth. So we have Sandy to thank for indirectly saving the planet.

However, I am worried there might be a trigger word that will activate his alien past. What could it be? 'Jobs', 'Axminster', or 'Tosser'? It might explain some of his erratic behaviour. I also wonder if Tiny Terry might not be of this world as he is unfeasibly small, and I think the dapper carapace might hide something the size of a hermit crab.

The Turner Centre could well be a UFO refuelling station as nobody really thinks it will ever hold any art, and it would explain the council's desire to get it built. And as any experienced time traveller will tell you the most revered alien group are the ANIHCs who require a time portal or GATEWAY to search other galaxies. Is it a coincidence that if you spell ANIHC backwards you get - CHINA? I think we should be told!

Hmmm. An interesting theory you speak. And while at it I am, how George Lucas millions can make, when only sentences ending in a verb can he write, another mystery it is.

Click here full UFO story in yourfannitinnit to read

Broadstairs? Bangin'!

Reader Daniel has kindly sent me this link to a video he shot of the fireworks in Broadstairs last night:


And Kevin Crace, Saviour of the Westgate Shed, er, Pavilion has asked me to remind you that his Demelza House Children's Hospice Charity Party kicks off at 7.30 tomorrow evening, so do pop over to the Pav for a free buffet nosh-up and live entertainment, including a DJ, live ‘party’ band, table magicians, fire juggler (weather permitting), burlesque dancers, and a comedian. Kevin adds: 'The event is for a truly great cause, and we sincerely hope that everyone will join us for a great evening of entertainment.'

There'll also be a raffle with 'hundreds of prizes'. Perhaps I should donate a signed photo of yours truly. That should scoop them at least an extra coupla hundred in raffle ticket sales!

Click here to read more about Demelza House and Westgate Pavilion

The Ice House Goeth

Rumours have reached the old Eastcliff lugholes that this knackered old Victorian eyesore, er, ice store down by our lovely Royal Harbour here in the Millionaires' Playground has been earmarked for the axe. And when I say 'axe' I don't mean a flogging off like Albion House, Northdown House or parts of Viking Bay. No, I hear it's destined for the full ball and chain job. As far as I can make out, it's only claim to fame is that it currently houses the Kent and Essex Fisheries Committee, whatever that is.

Ah, what a relief to return to important and weighty affairs of state after all that frothy nonsense across the Atlantic!

O'Barmy Army Romps To Victory

Well really, there's not much point continuing with my 24 hour poll as the result in the US has been a landslide for Barack Obama. For the record, here's how Thanet voted up to this point:

Question: Who do you want to win the US election?

Senator O'Barmy: 68% (26 votes)
John McCain's Oven Chips: 15% (6 votes)
Mayor McCheese: 15% (6 votes)

A deserved and momentous victory. Although personally if I have to listen to him banging on about 'change' one more time I'll probably go spare. That's a point - do you think if we could find someone round here to campaign for change, we'd actually get it?

Has McCain Had His Chips?

With the Septics holding a bit of an old vote for Prez today, I thought I'd pop a 24 hour poll in the sidebar on the right to gauge Thanetian opinion on who should be the most powerful man in the world.

Remember, this is just for fun. Oh hell, who am I kidding, this ain't the BBC. So I promise that whoever the island votes for will be the winner!

Angina Hits The G-Spot

Ooh I say! It all seems to have gone a bit saucy down at our luxury Granville Theatre and Cinem, here on Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff! Not only have they erected new signage which consists of a very large G with three spots underneath, but on 14 and 15 November they're putting on The Angina Monologues, 'a humorous, spirited and poignant look at the lives of 10 very different women featuring subjects as diverse as Cockney weddings, trips to Benidorm and Stolen art'.

Presumably inspired by the celebrated off-Broadway hit The Vagina Monologues, or even Thanet's very own Angina Monologues, or perhaps comedian Sol Bernstein's, er, Angina Monologues or maybe Canadian corporate therapist and former heart attack patient Lou Eisen's, um, Angina Monologues oh gawd I think I've lost the plot.

Meanwhile I hear a couple of bright sparks over in Margate are planning to strike a blow for masculinism with a plan to stage their new play The Denis Dialogues. And apparently they've found the perfect venue for it...

Sugar Babes Set To Put Margate On The Map

News that my old millionaire chum Sir Alan Sugar will be setting his charges to the task of turning Margate into a boom town for the next series of The Apprentice warms the cockles of my proverbial. I feel certain that Margatonians will welcome the sight of him cruising around in his Bentley Continental Flying Toss, explaining to all and sundry the finer points of tearing them a new arsehole unless they set off a tourism explosion.

Of course, Sir A is already a patron of the Arsonists' Playground, with Eli's excellent Sugar Lounge named in his honour. And his catchphrase 'You're fired!' has been applied to many of the town's former attractions and heritage buildings. But what else can be done to tart up the town and get the tills tinkling? Here are my top tips for his budding apprentices:

- Rename town 'Marbella'
- Erect brown signs directing people to attractions that don't exist
- Close all public toilets so people have to pee in bars and restaurants
- Remove rotting seaweed from harbour and dump it in Broadstairs
- Convert museums into luxury apartments

Oops, sorry. I think the council have already tried those. Apart from the first one, of course!

Click here to read full story in Isle of Thanet Gazunder

Vic Reeves' Big Afternoon Out

The ECR spy network reports my old comedy chum Vic Reeves was in the excellent Hurricane and Spitfire Museum over at Manston this afternoon. Vic was apparently there with his missus and kids, enjoying a cup of tea and a ham salad sandwich. How nice to know that us celebs can enjoy a hassle-free, modestly priced day out in the bosom of our nearest and dearest, here on the Ile de Thanet, without being tormented by the paps or having our intimate details splashed all over the tabloids!

That said, a female showbiz chum once told me that Vic... no, no, I'll stop there. I can't be doing with all the resignations, hand wringing and public inquiries!

Twister!

Reader Steve from Ramsgate's swinging East Cliff writes:

Did any of your readers take a photo of that amazing waterspout/tornado thing that nearly sucked up the odd light aircraft on its way into Manston today? It looked quite close to the harbour and nearly caused a few car accidents as everybody was looking at the sky rather than the road! Or it may have just been me looking at the twister and everybody else trying to avoid me but hey ho.

Well, did anyone out there manage to snap it? If so, do send me a copy and I'll pop it on the blog for all to see. My email address, as ever, is in the top right hand corner.

Ramsgate Gets The Bullet

Hurrah! I see the BBC News website is reporting the opening of the new, super-duper depot for those lovely high speed Japanese trains here in the Millionaires' Playground. It won't be long before I'm being whisked to important appointments with TV executives in London in less time than it takes to say 'I ----ed Russell Brand's grandmother'! Er, which I didn't, I hasten to add.

The depot has cost £35m to build and will create 160 jobs, more than our polluting airport has managed in a decade, and so much better for the environment than all those lorries and concrete the local Tory duffers want to pour on poor old Acol, without any clear idea of whether it'll create any jobs at all.

The best bit is the new service will take me into St Pancras which, as we all know, is a mere hop, skip and jump from the heart of the known creative universe - Norf London. After all, the only reason I can think of for going to Victoria is to collect your OBE for services to broadcasting!

Trainspotters click here to read full story on BBC website

Another Thanet Leak

Blimey! Lord Gnome has dangled his illustrious organ in Thanet's direction yet again this week, with another piece in Private Eye about local squillionaire Ken Wills' plan to plonk concrete all over our lovely arable land and aquifer, which gained council approval earlier this month. After detailing Ken's seemingly boundless largesse around the island recently, the item concludes:

Happily, news that at least 470 tonnes of the chemical cyclohexanone has seeped into Thanet's groundwater over the past 12 years following a spill at another industrial site only, er, leaked out after the council meeting.

Hmm. If I was Ken and his cohorts, I'd be more worried about who was leaking this noxious stuff to the national press than any boring old chemicals! If you want to read the rest, you'll have to cough up a quid and a half at your local WH Smug.

More Knickers About Knockers (And Lots Of Other Old Knackers)

Holy breakfast meetings! I've just received a full transcript of the presentation to local businesses that Our Sandy and Deputy Rodge gave at 7.30 this morning over at Frank T's Pegwell Bay Hotel. And there's enough hot air in it to warm up a gross of croissants! How about this for starters (you'll have to imagine the Powerpoint (yawn) slides that Rodge is referring to):

First off our current opportunities. China Gateway. There has been a lot of bloggers going out with all sorts of stories of doom and gloom and how dreadful this all is and we shouldn’t have it. (Surely he means today's Private Eye? - Ed.) But we are talking about jobs. We are talking about a serious amount of jobs. This is a joint project by KCC and TDC and managed by a company called EKO LLP of which I am a director. Our aim is that having bought this land, we will market it and put the money back into both our coffers and make a profit. This is the plan, and we are going to put there, just by the entrance, the China Gateway building which is a shopping centre which companies would locate into to showcase all their items. That is China Gateway and it is Phase 1. Phase 1 is going on to there. This is the China Gateway building and this is the sort of quality of building that will be built.

Slumped into your cornflakes yet? There's more:

Let's go now and look at the current position with China Gateway. Recently an extraordinary Council meeting voted 41 for and 10 against. Chairman Hoo (Who? Surely Hao? - Ed.) of the Aigo company was over here on a visit and The United Nations are firmly behind this plan (Does that make it UN-inspired? - Ed.) and working closely with Chinamex and CGP, they are partners and are 100% behind it. Chinamex is the supportive arm of the Chinese Government and are looking at globalisation opportunities and they have got a very close working relationship with CGP. And Chinamex are absolutely adamant that the funding is in place . So what is the next stage? The next stage now that we have planning in place, you will see bricks and mortar coming out of the ground at Manston.

It goes on, but if you're like me you've probably lost the will to live by now and are busy stringing rashers of bacon together to form a makeshift noose. If you want to see the rest, including how the runway at RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport is going to be extended as far as the Somerfield roundabout to accommodate the new Airbus superjumbos, let me know!

Litter Spray

Cripes! Judging by the number of email alerts I'm getting from the excellent FixMyStreet website, our beloved council's plan to stop regular cleaning of any road that isn't in a town centre or on the seafront is definitely coming to fruitation (©2000 Kevin Keegan).

Recent complaints to the Uranians via the site include 'lack of street cleaners', 'bin bags', 'domestic rubbish', 'dog mess' and 'litter', 'litter', and, er, 'accumulated litter'. A veritable tsunami of detritus! And that's for a council that boasts the motto 'Reduce, Reuse, Recycle'. Well one out of three ain't bad, I suppose.

Still, credit where credit's due. They are at long last getting around to implementing a limited recycling scheme here on Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff. According to a note that just plopped through my letterbox here at the cliff top mansion, a fortnightly paper and cardboard collection will begin as of this Monday. Let's hope the stuff is actually collected and not just left to blow all over the streets, eh? Otherwise I'm sure it won't be long before I'll need a metal detector every time I want to find where I've parked the old jalopy!

Click here to visit FixMyStreet

Trevor So Dashing

Once again, dear reader, I have been snubbed by the National Television Awards. And not just overlooked for a gong. No. I wasn't even invited. So I had to make do with spectating tonight from the comfort of my cliff top mansion.

Still, it was good to see my old chum Sir Trev on form, and wearing full dress nipples for the bash. Either that or they'd forgotten to turn the heating on at the Royal Albert Hall!

I Had Sachs, With Granddaughter,

round to tea once. I must say 'Manuel' really is the most professional and cordial fellow you're ever likely to meet in showbiz. So I find my allegiances divided on today's big issue. Given the fact that I'm beginning to suspect my drinks were spiked last night, and that Wossie's given me the arse-off on Facebook, perhaps I should be putting in a bid in for Friday Night With Richard Eastcliff after all!

Now, where's the cold flannel?

Flog It!

Regular contributor Millicent writes:

Did you know that Ramsgate now has a new auction house in Westcliff Road, next door to Kwikfit? The first auction was on Saturday morning. There were 220 lots and it went on for over two hours. There was an amazing array of goodies both big and small on offer and some bargains to be had. I bought four empty Edwardian postcard albums for £2! The next auction will be Sat 8th November at 10am. There is a cafe serving tea and sandwiches but get there early if you want/need a seat. I had never been to an auction before so I found it very entertaining.

Thanks for the info Millicent. It's at this point that I usually come up with some incredibly witty pay-off line, but you're going to have to fill in the blanks yourselves today as I've got the grandfather of all hangovers after attending Wussell and Wossie's leaving do last night. Pass the Neuries, Georgina!

Click here to visit Royal Harbour Auction Rooms website

Back By Unpopular Demand

Thanks to all the emails (two) that have been pouring in to Ofblog about my jottings being, er, utterly re-Branded over the past week, I'm back on the air! And the good news is it only took a yacht, 4x4, motorcycle and a new house to persuade the Politburo to grant me planning permission to put my sign back up!

Reports Of 'Riot' In Augusta Road Exaggerated

The Politburo wishes to assure comrades that reports tonight of a 'drug' and 'drink' fuelled 'riot' in Augusta Road Ramsgate have been exaggerated by decadent subversives.

The Politburo can confirm that State Police attended a major disturbance in the road, but have since calmed the situation down.

Update: The Isle of Thanet Gazette has now reported (offline) that a fight broke out following a party, with more than 40 youths involved in the street disturbance. A woman was taken to hospital and a man arrested on suspicion of assault and possession of drugs. Thanet Council were called the following morning to wash the blood off the pavement. Police are now gathering evidence with a view to imposing a dispersal order in the area.