Your Questions Answered By The Comrade Party Chairman

Only in your super, soaraway Thanet Pravda! Each week Comrade Party Chairman Beach answers your questions!

Dear Comrade Party Chairman, I am Chairman of the People's Industrial Committee for Printing Supplies. Some years ago we had an 'incident' involving a toxic chemical. Should I go public with this? S.

Comrade Party Chairman Beach writes: Under no circumstances should you release such information. Please report immediately to the People's Committee for the Dissemination of Information for advice.

Dear Comrade Party Chairman, Greetings. I am Chairman of the External Investment Committee of the People's Republic of China. I would like to invite you on a fact-finding trip to our country, all expenses paid. I will even write your speeches for you. How about it? K.

Comrade Party Chairman Beach writes: Thank you for your kind offer Comrade Chairman. I am in favour of friendly co-operation between our two glorious Democracies in the spirit of Mutual Harmony. I would be particularly interested in seeing the Great Wall of China, the Terracotta Army, the Bird's Nest Stadium, and any other tourist attractions you can think of but you can piss off when it comes to snake liver and all that crap how the Workers' Collectives in your country interface with the State.

Dear Comrade Party Chairman, I am Chairman of the People's Committee for the Advancement of Aviation. We have recently launched a Draft Master Plan for the expansion of the State Airport at Manston. Would it be alright to rename the airport in honour of your unthinkingwavering support? M.

Comrade Party Chairman Beach writes: I would regard this as a great honour Comrade Chairman. I understand that your Draft Master Plan contains a proposal for a new Terminal Building, which I am sure will need a substantial quantity of floor coverings which you will no doubt be obtaining from State Carpet Manufactory Number 12 (Cliftonville).