I hear the hacks at Gazunder Towers have been getting all hot under the proverbial recently regarding a rumour that the outfit's red top is set to be merged with the more serious blue top - to make a rather fetching purple top, one imagines.
The thought of all those be-duffered and blue rinsed Gazette readers choking on their Friday morning kedgeree as they turn to page three and find Thanet Times style articles on nudie photo shoots and knicker-snapping vicars was enough to get everyone in a toby twirl. However, the suits have now apparently scotched the rumour. That hasn't stopped one intrepid member of Her Majesty's Press from circulating the following memo, though:
Hey, Thanet Times fans, betcha thought it was TUESDAY, eh?. Well it ISN'T. It's FRIDAY, and that's when you'll be getting your news fix from now on.
Your favourite paper's being combined with the Gazette, the paper with the BIG WORDS, so you'll get a double dose of weekend fun before you head off for Thorley's. Sorry folks, the t*ts won't be returning, but there's loads of new stuff.
The top geezer at the Town Hall will be telling you why things aren't as minging as you think. And we've got that sacked minister who appeared on 'Top Gear' writing just for YOU. There's even a toff spilling the beans about those boats you see off Margate when you fall out the nightclub.
Best of all, there's a bird with a posh name sharing her most INTIMATE thoughts each week. She's called Plane Jane. More like Playin' Jane, we reckon.
If you wanna real larf, don't miss the Letters Page! It's packed with old-timers belly-aching about dog cr*p and how they died for us in the war. Bl**dy hilarious! There's load of pictures of school kids (stop it Gary!) and pages of reports on what your gran's up to at the women's institute. You'll be able to find out if she won the competition to see how many objects beginning with J you can cram into a matchbox. We'll even tell you who was the guest speaker, so you can tell her if she's forgotten.
Here's an easy way to remember when to pick up your paper - it's BENEFITS DAY! So when you've pocketed your weekly wedge of wonga, wander on down to your friendly fag-seller and pick up your copy of the Thanet Times.
Whoops! Silly old us! It's the GAZETTE you ask for from now on, folks. OK? It's well good!!!!!!
Quite a bit better than a lot of the stuff you usually read in either of them, if you ask me! Like, er, this from today's TT:
RAMSGATE Library is set to rise from the ashes, three and a half years after being ravaged by fire four years ago.
Or, um, this:
AN elderly pensioner is living in fear after a con artist tried to swindle £450 for four coats before leaving them at his house. The 84-year-old, who was too scared to reveal his name, said he was walking to Ramsgate high street when he was stopped at the corner of George Street by an Italian who pretended to know him....
A police spokesman added: 'The advice remains - if an offer sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Be cautious, as this gentleman Mr D***er (my asterisks) appears to have been in this case.'
Update: Both these stories have now had the errors removed, online at least. As I sit here, whiling away my time cheating the dole, it gives me a nice, warm feeling in my cockles to know I'm acting as as unpaid, post hoc sub for the Daily Mail Group!