Wing Commander Jimmy Joystick, Tory member for Buftingtontuftington ward, explains why modern aircraft never crash.
Many people have asked me recently: With all this talk of expanding our local airport, could an aeroplane crash on my house? I must say, this question really does make me laugh. What these poor blighters do not understand is that aeroplane technology has come on by leaps and bounds since the days Chalkie, Ginge and I were forever pranging our kites and bailing out over the briny in World War 1.
Nowadays, with all the modern flying aids at our disposal, it is unheard of for anything ever to go wrong. With literally 100,000,000 aeroplanes flying over our heads every hour, not a single one has crashed to my knowledge, so there is no need for any concern. Pilots these days receive much more training and are told that, when approaching an airport, they should be on a 'flight path' that enables them to 'touch down' on the 'runway' rather than crashing in Mr Jones's cabbage patch, which might have been acceptable in my day!
This new technology is beamed directly into the pilot's brain, enabling him to concentrate entirely on the task in hand without being distracted by such thoughts as what colour knickers the stewardess is wearing, or whether he would prefer a gin and tonic or scotch and soda upon arrival.
That's enough flying news - Ed.