Island In The Sun

Where else could you trot out on this nice, sunny morning for your cliff top walk and witness a millionaire basking in the sun at 9am?

This particular captain of industry was relaxing on the cliff top in the comfort of his blue and white sun lounger, soaking up the rays, and enjoying a tin of high class Stella Artois, which, as I'm sure you've gathered from their advertising, is a tincture so expensive that it really is only affordable by the rich and famous.

Proof yet again that the Cannes of Kent is attracting quality tourism, even this late in the season!

Plane Funny

As I sit here in my cliff top mansion, pondering the grim inevitability of the Reverend Lee's 400 tonne red and white lump roaring inches over my head every ten minutes for the next three hours, I'm indebted to reader Mr X for the following pilot jokes, which I shall be emailing to our local flying doctor/councillor, and raking into the Ramsgate sands, as soon as said lump appears:

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: How do you know when you're half way through a date with a pilot?
A: Because he says: 'That's enough about flying, let's talk about me!'

I've Been Poked By Jonathan Ross

I knew it would just be a matter of time before all my old showbiz chums joined me on Facebook. Jonathan Ross has just become my Facebook friend, so I'd like to extend him a right royal welcome to Ramsgate!

He used Facebook's 'poke' facility to get in touch with me, and, well, here we are. I'm not sure the American developers of Facebook are entirely aware of the double meaning that particular verb carries in the UK. It still makes me feel rather icky every time I poke Fiona Bruce.

Oh well, only another 1,166 more friends to gather, and I'll be bigger than JR!

Sticking Up For The Visually Impaired

I've been having a spot of bother with the old glass eye. During an important production meeting the other day at Nuts TV it fell out and, to my undying shame, bounced across the table only to become lodged in the ample cleavage of one of the luvverly presenters of Fit and Fearless.

And as I don't get up to town as much as I used to, seeing my Harley Street specialist is proving somewhat of a pain. So I asked him if he could recommend a chap in these parts. Sure enough, I got a letter today from my new Kent consultant, a Mr R. de Cock.

Knowing my usual quack possesses a rather aqueous sense of humour, I imagined he was pulling my plonker. But no, apparently Mr R. de Cock is one of the best minces men in the land. He's even had erudite articles published in Eye, the journal of the Royal College of Ophthalmologists.

Oh well, I'll give him a go I suppose. Let's hope it'll be better than a poke in the proverbial with a, er, sharp stick.

R. de Cock in the Eye

That Sinking Feeling

With the occasional rat-a-tat of a pneumatic drill alerting me to the fact that development work has begun on the Pleasurama eyesore, it's time to come up with a decent name for the new building.

Officially it's going to be 'Royal Sands', but let's face it, that's a load of old pony. What it needs is a proper name. After all, does anybody know what that cliff top lump near the Western Esplanade in Boredstares is actually called? Of course not. But the Dickensians all know and, er, love it as 'Alcatraz'. So, what shall we call our own cliff bottom lump? Dun Burnin'? The Shelter? No, no, no, I've got a much better idea. Here's my reasoning:

1. It's vaguely ship-shaped.
2. It's got four sticky-out bits.
3. With climate change continuing apace, it'll almost certainly end up putting to sea.
4. It hasn't got enough, or indeed any, lifeboats.
5. In a once-in-a-lifetime storm surge a large object might collide with it, causing it to sink (don't take my word for it, this is our local biblio-bloke Michael Child's 'worst case scenario').

So, guessed the new name yet? It's obvious, isn't it? Say hello to: THE TITANIC!

Full text of Michael Child's research

Update: Here's today's spring tide (28 September) at Ramsgate, as filmed by Michael. A rather moderate example of what the Titanic will be setting sail in! The video was shot from roughly the bottom left hand corner of the above artist's impression of the new development.

Let The Train Take The Strain

Ramsgate has been acclaimed as one of the five most improved train stations in the country by the Campaign for Better Transport (formerly Transport 2000). The report highlights facilities for cyclists, improved access for buses, and sympathetic treatment of the Grade II listed building.

Splendid! Now all we need is those bullet trains and we've got ourselves our own little slice of St. Pancras!

Campaign for Better Transport report

Benzies' Ain't What They Used To be

Reader Nobby has sent in a couple of suggestions for new names to boost Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell's ratings. He writes:

How about Glen Campbell? I can just picture him doing Rhinestone Cowboy. Or, sticking with the musical theme, how about Benzies Crosby? A pipe and a croon would do the old chap's image no end of good.

Benzies Crosby: He's dreaming of a yellow Christmas

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News!

Cripes! The Gazunder's super-scooping cub reporter Thom Morris has got himself another splash in today's Thanet Times! Although I'm not sure that our local flying doctor/Tory councillor will be particularly chuffed to see one of his aerial photographs illustrating Labour MP Dr Steve Ladyboy's outcry over more predicted traffic chaos at Westwood Livid. Only last weekend Simes was tugging a banner around the Ile urging us to vote Tory if we wanted a say in the EU 'Is it or isn't it a' Treaty debate.

Elsewhere in the paper, lovely editor Rebecca Smith is complaining that Lib Dem leader Ming the Charisma-less has a 'seriously uncool' name. So in the best traditions of Windscale, H Block and Labour I'm launching a poll to find a new moniker for the old fart and boost his ratings. Or if you have a better suggestion email me at richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk

And check out the ECR TV story below for Tony Flaig's view of Westwood Chaos.

Browntongue Disease Sweeps Isle

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Political Editor R. Slicker

Browntongue Disease, a virus which has already caused the death of many regeneration areas across the UK, has been found in Thanet for the first time.

So far there have been nearly 3,000 cases in the rest of Britain, and political scientists feared it was just a matter of time before the tip of Kent became infected. The condition is carried by Estateagentus Rapacius midgets (Surely midges? - Ed.) when they are blown by warm property winds from hotspots such as Brighton and Whitstable towards milder parts of the country.

The virus itself is transmitted when the midgets lick the bottoms of local politicians and tell them that what the area really needs is a new art gallery/retail park/block of luxury apartments. It is then only a matter of time before the district becomes swollen with enormous Tescos, Travelodges, Turnip Centres and empty penthouses.

(That's enough Browntongue Disease - Ed.)

Blogged Off

No way am I returning to Blogger. Not even if you begged me. I have so many friends now on Facebook (eight). Even our glorious council leader Sandy Beach has joined in the fun! And I'm expecting to announce another big name signing any minute.

OK, I know that other Thanet blogs are attempting to fill the ECR gap. But let's face it, they're not hacking it are they? Just today Dr Biggles ran the story about 3.5bn square metres of glasshouses being erected in Birchington which I broke a week ago. Not the glasshouses, the story.

So you're definitely missing out on all the fun and goss if you don't join me here. See you on the other side!

Dreamland Consultation

Yes yes. I know I said I was off to Facebook but regular reader Millicent has kindly sent me the survey for the TDC Dreamland consultation which the Uranians have seen fit not to put on their website.

So if you want to deluge Cecil Square, feel free to email me at richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk and I'll pop the survey over to you as a .pdf document. Closing date for responses is 12th October.

Update: Thanks to Degsy for pointing out that the survey is now available online here.

Last Post

Justin, my publicist, advises me that Blogger has now officially jumped the shark. So where to next? MySpace? Hardly. That's so old hat that it's been grabbed by the Murdochs.

No, the clever money is apparently now on Facebook, so that's where you'll find me in future. If you can work out who I really am that is. Toodle-pip!

The Changing Face Of Thanet

Here's a map I made 18 months ago of the Ile de Thanet and boy, how things have changed! Our casino will soon be moving to Westworld Chaos, and now most of the fart bushes are going to be replaced by tomatoes and peppers.

Still plenty of hairy folkers in Boredstares, though. And the number of pit bull tugging track-suited types in Margate has, if anything, increased!

Corporate B*ll*cks

Bev, my agent, has booked me in for one of those corporate jobs. I'm not normally one to prostitute my art, but the gas bill has just arrived.

On the one or two previous occasions I've presented corporate videos, I've always been struck by the appalling taste in art these large organisations possess. One company had an enormous statue of a naked Greek god proudly standing in front of its revolving doors, greeting all and sundry with the unavoidable sight of its rather over-exaggerated but nonetheless muscular buttocks. But the prize for the best example of arse gratia artis must go to a well-known utility company based in the Home Counties.

When this particular company moved into its shiny new glass palace, the then CEO decided that what it really needed to finish the whole thing off was a statue of a prancing stallion on the roundabout which stood between the east and the west wings. He owned several Ferraris, I seem to recall. However, the artist must have latched on to the testosterone fuelled nature of this commission, and endowed the statue with the heftiest set of equine testicles ever to grace a company forecourt. After a few weeks, and a myriad of complaints, the crestfallen artist was recalled and made to remove the offending spheres with an angle grinder.

The Deputy CEO told me that story, whilst we were waiting for the cameras to be set up. He was a much more amiable cove than the top man, and had therefore been chosen to be the face of the company. His office was on the opposite side of the building to the CEO's. 'He gets to look at the horse's head, and I get to stare at the arse all day,' I remember him saying. 'Shows which way my career's going.' Sure enough, he was history within a year.

The Veg Of Teh Known World

Cripes! A new company styling itself 'Thanet Earth' is set to build seven, eight metre high glasshouses on the Ile - covering the equivalent of 75 football pitches - and fill them with tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers. Construction of the glasshouses, and a 30,000 square metre pack-house, is due to start in March 2008. The first commercial crops, which will be grown 24/7 using heat and lights, will hit the supermarket shelves in autumn 2008.

Should make a pleasant change from the usual pot plants and fart bushes cultivated in these parts.

Full story

Bloody Immigrants

Proof if ever it were needed that Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula is being swamped. (Note to self: must forward this to Councillor/Dr Biggles.)

Paiglegate

Nice to see Gazunder editor Rebecca Smith back at the helm this week after maternity leave. Not only that, but she's written today's front page lead, and what a scoop!

Apparently that bunch from Reading are in talks to sell Margate's Dreamland eyesore to Paigle, the people who did a magnificent job of tarting up the Sea Bathing Hospital, and are planning to do the same to the Cliftonville Lido. The deal could be sealed as early as next month, according to the Gazunder.

Got The Painters In 2

Many thanks to my spies for providing a full report of last night's Eastcliff Residents' Association meeting with the Pleasurama developers (see previous post). The architects, developers and builders were all represented, along with the estate agent and a couple of chaps from TDC (Brian White and Doug Brown). Here are the, er, highlights:

Brian White started saying planning consent had been given but the detail that had been revisited was the final roof design and the material finish – we were shown a piece of grey material which will be on the roof. It was pointed out that residents had not been consulted about the roof changes.

There is money this year to repair the cliff face – but from what was said they seem to be going to remove quite a chunk too. Coping will be put back in place. Epoxy resin coating in light grey colour. Tenders go out next Wednesday.

Knights (the builders) will be on site from next Monday starting traffic changes in Harbour Parade – hope to have meeting soon with local traders and contractors to consult re how to deal with inevitable disturbance. Lady from Playbay asked re parking spaces for her customers – they had not been told work would start Monday. Waffly answer meant in reality they won’t have any spaces. A question was asked about whether there would be hoarding along the cliff top once the repairs had been effected, Knights replied that waist high railings would be sufficient for site protection.

107 apartments, 60 bed hotel, restaurant, shops etc. “virtually” at existing level. Environment Agency say it should be 5.5m above sea level but in fact is 6.05 m. In the event of a 1953 style flood the retail on the ground floor would flood but the apartments would be OK. Height has been “depressed”. Explained roof gardens etc. Spaces for 184 cars on site i.e. 1 car per appartment, 1 car per hotel room plus 17 spare for traders – none for visitors. Said this was going to be a “stunning development” that will regenerate the town. Terence Painter said there was lots of interest - one hotel chain was on the point of signing but they were still talking with others. Will take 2.5 years to complete.

Geoff Woods asked if SFP Ventures (the developer) would be willing to support bandstand project financially – Terence Painter said he was willing to discuss it.

Jocelyn McCarthy asked about which route all the building lorries would take into town – the reply was twisted to mean just site access but that was not what Jocelyn asked. Terence P said there was a meeting next week to discuss this. Gerry O’Ramsgate asked again about the effect on the harbour traders during two and a half years of building works – said their concerns were not really being taken seriously (applause).

Other points which came up during the meeting were that the Marina Restaurant is to be redeveloped, space for traditional seaside entertainments and amusements in the new Pleasurama development is a commercial rather than a planning issue, flat owners will not have a clause in their lease preventing complaints about music at the bandstand (following the recent complaints from flat owners about music from the bandstand in Cliftonville).

Peter Landi rounded off the meeting very succinctly saying he was horrified that they (the developers and council) had come to the meeting so ill-prepared. Were the council aware of the extent of the tunnels under the East Cliff? He lived on the East Cliff during the war and remembers the vibrations from the bombs and anti-aircraft guns and was not sure the cliff was going to stand all the work just about to be done to it.

The general feeling was that residents had not been consulted even though work is supposed to start on Monday. No definite plans are in place for site access and lorries through the town. No guarantee of safe access to the beach. Not enough parking places – Doug Brown went off at a complete tangent claiming it was political to assume people would use cars less in future and raving on about walking buses to schools which had nothing whatsoever to do with the evening’s topic.

Got The Painters In

Just a reminder that the Eastcliff Residents' Association meets tonight at 7.30pm. Special guest will be diminutive property magnate Terence Painter, who's i/c flogging the Pleasurama development should it ever be built.

Expect some tough questions about the height of the building, the concomitant repairs to our crumbling East Cliff, and whether every luxury apartment will come with its own life raft, due to it being built on a flood plain. Should have a full report for you tomorrow.

Margate Couple Scoop £8m

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Money Editor Dud Fivers

A couple from Margate are celebrating their good fortune this week after picking up a massive £8m cheque.

Sid and Doris Wantsum went from rags to riches after seeing an advertisement in a glossy architecture magazine at their dentist. 'It was inviting designs for an arts centre in Margate,' a delighted Doris told the Gazunder. 'Sid used to be a builder and had the plans left over from a conservatory he put up, so we took a chance and sent them in.' A week later a cheque for £8m arrived.

The couple say they are now planning to spend the money on a big house in Marbella (Shurely Margate? - Ed.).

Here's how you can cash in:

1. Draw building on back of fag packet.
2. Post to SEEDA/Arts Council/KCC
3. Sit back and plan your holiday - the cheque's in the post!