Ramsgate Ferry Firm Finally Runs Out Of Steam

Sadly it seems that our lovely TransEuropa Ferries here in the Cannes of Kent have gone into administration. That's what my spies in the anoraks with the binoculars tell me, anyway. The latest dispatch from Ostend reads:

The company has gone into administration today. Administrators will now try to find someone to take over the company. There seems to be one company who are keen to operate the line. They want to put a fastcraft on the line capable of taking trucks and cars.

We have to be a bit careful, as my understanding is that TEF is composed of a number of different companies, any one of which may, or may not, still be operational. And we all know that going into administration is not the same as going bust.

What does seem to be clear is that the Ostend Spirit has been repossessed by P&O, that its Slovenian crew are staging an old skool sit-in up at Tilbury claiming they haven't been paid for months, the TEF website is on the fritz, and the two remaining TEF vessels are laid up in Ostend.

It's a bad day for the town, and, of course, a bad day for those people who might lose their jobs as a consequence. But who knows, something may arise from the ashes. Anyone for Euroferries?!!?!

Meanwhile, don't forget that while most of the island's 'journalists' and political commentators were getting their proverbials in a twist about what may or may not be filmed at council meetings, I was bringing you the real news first! Hurrah for ECR!

Click here for the full story in The Gazunder (wot followed up my scoop!).

Trains And Boats And Planes

Trundling around the old Millionaires' Playground earlier, I thought I'd snap a few off. So here goes. I'll start with the trains...

Well, you would have seen trains there 100 years ago, as it used to be our lovely Ramsgate Sands station. Now it's a delightful row of, er, concrete sticks, part of the ever-to-be-constructed Royal Sands (aka Titanic) development of luxury dwellings, sanctioned by The Duffers. If you pop over to the developer's website, and have a spare two grand handy, you can put down a non-refundable deposit and look at an artist's impression of your splendidly appointed apartment. Which is probably all you'll ever get for your money.

Next some boats...

Oh dear! There don't seem to be any there either! In fact, as I've said before, I haven't seen a TransEuropa ferry in ages. Never mind, there are still some boats in the marina...

Then to cap it all, this thing flew over...

Hey-ho! Just another day in paradise!

Ostend Of An Era?

Effortlessly piloting my graceful Bentley Continental Flying Toss back to the Millionaires' Playground this afternoon, following a week at my Chelsea pad for the funeral of the century and a recording of the new series of Celebrity Nipples for Dave, I couldn't help but notice that our lovely TransEuropa Ferries in our lovely Royal Harbour/Port had been replaced by a floating hotel!

It got me to pondering what was going on with TransEuropa Ferries (TEF), as I rarely see the old tubs wending their way across to Belgium from my captain's lookout here at the cliff top mansion these days. So I emailed my old chums with the anoraks and binoculars on the other side of the briny, and this is their response:

You may well have noticed that Ramsgate port is 'ferryless' at the moment. Yesterday the Ostend Spirit (formerly the Pride of Calais) returned to their owners P&O for lay up at Tilbury. Strange that the Thanet press didn't pick up the story.

In short Transeuropa have some problems, and it seems that the owners the Dias brothers are wrapping up the company their father left them. They have sold two ferries that operated in the Med to Russian interests. The two ferries were moneymakers as they were chartered to the biggest Spanish ferry operator TRASMED for service between Spain and Morroco.

If TEF goes then at least 10 jobs will go directly with some indirectly such as security, cleaning and jobs at Orbit import-export, based at Ramsgate ferry port.

Blimey! Now, following a little, er, misunderstanding with Euroferries (Where are they now?! - Ed.) a few years back, I hasten to add that no-one is saying that TransEuropa have sunk. Let's be absolutely clear on that. But it does seem a little fishy! (Geddit??!!!!!???!!!??!!!!!!!!)

Especially as a visit to TEF's website is currently resulting in a big, fat empty load of white space.

Meanwhile I suppose we must welcome C-Bed to the Cannes of Kent. They provide floating hotels for windfarm workers, enabling them to be on the job 24/7. According to C-Bed's website, they use 'leather and other luxurious materials' to make sure their floatels 'are a place to unwind, sit back and get ready for the next day without worrying about cleaning, cooking, or getting to or from work'.

Fit for a millionaire, I'd say!

Click here for more on the current state of TEF in the Belgian newspaper De Tijd.
Update: The Gazunder has finally caught up with this story. Click here for more.

That Thatcher Funeral Buffet Menu In Full

STARTERS

Assorted Nuts

Pickled Scargills

 MAINS

 Minted Burgers

Roast Rump Of Argentinian Belgrano Beef With Delorsradish Sauce

Falkland Island Lamb Cutlets

French Fries

Irish Potatoes

Brussels Sprouts

Foraged Heath Turnips

DESSERTS

 Sour Grapes

Essex Mandarins

Nutty Slack

Cabinet Pudding

Eton Mess

Bombe Surprise

Finchley Blue Cheese And Crackers

DRINKS

 Bitter Pils

Chateau Callaghan 1979

Privatised Port

Coffee And Humbugs

Catering supplied by Nigel Lawson

Handbags at Dawn

Putting The Fun In Funeral

OK, OK, I take it all back! Mrs/Lady/Baroness Thatcher was the best thing that ever happened to this country!!!

Not only was she an attractive, sexy woman, but she also single-handedly beat off hordes of filthy, revolting miners, the entire, unwashed Irish nation, the disgusting, money-grabbing union types and the loony socialist lefties who wanted us all to become part of the USSR, AND, let us not forget, THE ARGIES!!!!!!!!!

Of course, I was a mere twinkle in Mr Eastcliff Snr's eye for most of her reign. But having read up on her a bit, I now know she was the Iron Lady who put the 'Great' back in 'Great Britain' and bestowed upon us the fabulous wealth that we enjoy today.

Frankly a state funeral is nowhere near enough of a tribute to the woman. Nothing short of sainthood and an airport named after her would be sufficient to commemorate her magnificent achievements. In fact I have today started a petition to rename our very own RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Schipol International Airport as the RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport. You can't say fairer than that.

My volte face is, natch, nothing to do with the fact that I today received my invitation to what is being described as 'the funeral of the century', along with my other old showbiz chums Jeremy, Jeffrey, Dame Shirley, Sir Andy, Sir Terry, Sir Brucie, Sir Trevorie and Sir Davidie. Together we're planning to give her a good, old-fashioned, hoofing send-off. The rumour is I may even be called upon to render my tribute version of 'Candle In The Wind'. 'Twould be an honour, Ma'am!

The Lady Is For Burning

In Memoriam
Margaret Thatcher
Former Tory Prime Minister and Society Denier

So, farewell
Then Margaret Thatcher.

'The lady's not for turning!'
That was
Your catchphrase.
And 'There is no such thing as society.'

Keith's Dad says you invented
Mr Whippy ice cream.

And that he made
Loadsa money when you
Privatised the Gas Board.

Hopefully the current
Price of gas
Will not delay
Your departure
Via Finchley Crematorium.

E. C. Richard (29)

Going Dutch

I see Councillor Biggles is getting his joystick in a lather over on Thanet Life about the new KLM flights that began today from the Ile's RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Schipol International Airport.

Bizarrely, I find myself in agreement with our very own teeny-tiny banner-tugger for once!

After all, Thanet is now connected to everywhere in the world, and soon we'll be swamped with gazillions of foreign visitors, all cramming their way onto the island to get a glimpse of our lovely attractions! According to a UKIP pamphlet which flopped through my letterbox this morning, at least 29 million of them will be coming from Bulgaria and Romania! Hurrah!

Of course, I won't be using the service myself as I have my own private Lear jet permanently parked at RAFLKMMTESIA, ready to thrust me off to my other homes in Provence, Bali and the Virgin Islands. But at least this latest development means the radar will work and the runway will be swept. And all with only a £100,000 subsidy from our taxpayers' pockets. Just the ticket!

Spam Makes Me Sick

Holy chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added, salt, water, modified potato starch and sodium nitrite! This flipping comment spam is giving me the irits!

Seriously, it's taken the fun out of blogging since my last comeback tour in 2012. So until Blogger, Google and all those nerds in Mountain View, California do something to stop the rot, I've decided to throw the 100% Egyptian cotton towel in. Again.

Be seeing you!

East Kent Bids For City Of Culture 2017

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Arts Correspondent Jenny Tals

Culture vultures across the isle are celebrating the news that East Kent has thrown its hat into the ring to become UK City of Culture 2017!

The bid will see East Kent competing against the likes of Aberdeen, Chester, Hastings and Bexhill, Hull, Leicester, Plymouth, Portsmouth and Southampton, Swansea Bay, Sarfend, London, Paris and New York! (Er, those last two aren't in the UK - Ed.)

East Kent Head of Arts and Culture Mary Hinge, who's heading up the pitch for the area, told the Gazunder it was a great opportunity to showcase Thanet's burgeoning arts scene. 'What with the Turner Contemporary, links with Tracey Emin, and the Turner Contemporary, Margate is fast becoming the centre of the arts universe,' said Hinge. 'There's so much going on, it's like an explosion in a custard factory!!!'

She added that 'Explosion in a Custard Factory', by 23 year old Lithuanian artist Biggas Lottadudu-Ueverseenas, which is currently showing at the Turner, would be one of the keystones of the bid. Rejecting claims that East Kent is not technically a city, Hinge added: 'If there's taxpayers' money up for grabs, it could be a banana for all I care.'

Highlights of Thanet's culture bid will include:

•  Exhibition of 3D pavement art by the Thanet Pit Bull Owners Club
•  'Stella Mountain', a new site-specific installation designed by the Premier Convenience Store Customers' Collective
•  'Concrete Sticks in a Row', a permanent installation on Ramsgate seafront by reclusive Swiss artists' commune SFP
•  Thanet Tories have pledged to hand out free planning permission, should they get back into power by 2017, to any artist with an idea for an installation who turns up with a back pocket full of 50s and plane tickets to 'somewhere nice'.

 That's enough culture - Ed.

One of the high points of Margate's cultural year - the annual

Sticking Your Head in a Box and Bad Anagrams Show

UPDATE 19 June 2013: It didn't even make it into the final four. Click here for more.

Porridge

How I miss my old showbiz chum - the late, great, lovely, dear Ronnie Barker! So in the light of recent events I thought it only fitting to cobble together carefully craft this tribute to what must be regarded as his seminal oeuvre. Baftas and RTS Awards all round!

Ask Sister Assumpta - Banged Up Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your incarceration problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Phillip the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doin' bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 18 munfs in chokey. Is it true that I shood of told the carncil I loaned me mate the money fer the 'arse? S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer feckin' eejit, yer a cute hoor and no mistake! Yer made a terrible hames of running the feckin' council yer feckin' gobshite, so don't be giving me any of yer guff. Yer've made a holy show of yerself, so hump off before I give yer a puck in the gob!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Sandy the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doing bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 12 munfs in chokey. Is it true that me mate shood of told the carncil that 'e loaned me the money fer the 'arse? P.

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus! Feck yer, yer feckin' bollocks. If yer gonna do everything arseways, yer bound to make a bags of it, yer mentaller. Now shut yer cuntin' cakehole yer dry shite or I'll chuck a gollier at yer knackers!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the leader of the Conservative faction of a certain local authority in the South East of England. In the past few years my members have suffered a series of misfortunes, including convictions for misconduct in public office and drink-driving, police investigations over collusion with property developers, castigations over foul-mouthed and unseemly behaviour in public, allegations of falsifying records, absenteeism (Panama), homophobia and cat killing to name but a few. For the life of me, I can't understand why we are no longer in power. Is there anything we can do to make ourselves more popular? B.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me backwards through a threshin' machine, yer great arsin' tool! Yer goin' around like a constipated greyhound! Yer think yer the cat's pyjamas, but yer got a face like the the Earl of Hell's arse! Go lick it off a scabby leg!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Breaking News - Sandy Bagged!

My spies (er, everyone on Twatter that is), are reporting that the jury at Maidstone Crown Court has found Our Sandy (former Tory TDC leader Sandy Ezekiel) guilty on all four charges of misconduct whilst holding a public office, with his co-accused Phillip Emanuel found guilty of aiding and abetting. The charges related to iffy property dealings in Margate Old Town, and failure to disclose his property interests to the council.

Not that anyone who overheard Sandy's frequent boasts about how he was 'going to make a fucking mint' by buying up property in the Old Town once the Turnip Centre had been given the green light can be in the least bit surprised.

Full details are now running on the Isle of Thanet Gazunder website. Including a quote from Will Scobie, the Mayor of Margate, saying he is 'shocked' and can't remember a councillor being found guilty of misconduct in public office 'in his lifetime'. Bless. He's only 14.

By the way, full marks and a bottle of bubbly to the dauntless Louise Oldfield for sitting through the entire trial and keeping us all up to date via Twitter. Margate doesn't deserve you Louise! Hurry up and defect to the sunny side of the island!

Right, I'm currently redeveloping the old cliff top mansion into 497 luxury apartments, so I'm off to buy some carpets I can afford from Cyril Fraud (one for the oldies there!). Pip pip!

Update: Shagpile's been sentenced to 18 months of Her Majesty's Porridge for each offence, to run concurrently. So that'll be his second all expenses paid trip to somewhere with a big wall in just a few short years! No word yet on whether he's appealing (insert your own joke here).

Headless Chickens Coming Home To Roost?

Holy brown envelopes! Today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder reports that PC Plod is carrying out a wider investigation into corruption at Thanet Duffer Council in the wake of former Tory leader Sandy 'Shagpile' Beach's public misconduct trial!

The woodentops are said to be particularly interested in the 'property deals and personal interests of politicians and public servants, past and present.' Crikey! That should get them quaking in their Gucci boots and revving up the old Land Rover V8s ready for that long overdue trip to Malaga! Talk about brarn envelopes! More like brarn trousers!!???!!!!!??! (Geddit?!!!?!???!!!)

And given yours truly's extensive and, er, insightful coverage of Fannit events during the years under investigation, it's only natural that Inspector Knacker should come knocking on my door for the inside goss. Of course, I have been more than happy to accommodate him. If you have any juicy tips, just email me at the address on the right and I'll pass them on.

Meanwhile I see the great and good have been lining up to vouch for Our Sandy at Maidstone Crown Court, where the jury is still deliberating after two days. (I hear the jury room at Maidstone is well heated, and the tea and biscuits exceptional.) Norf Fannit MP Sir Roger Wind, local booze emporium magnate Sir Frank Thorley, and high-flying, chopper-loving, China Gateway-developing Sir Ken Wills have all stepped up to the plate to testify what a stout-hearted and honest fellow the former Tory leader, famed for his petition tossing at the Margate branch of Edinburgh Woollen Mill and portrayal of the Mayor of Margate as a 'fucking tosser' at a black tie do, is.

Carpet shop proprietor and ex-boxer Sandy denies the charges of misconduct relating to property deals in Margate's Old Town. M'lud.

Which reminds me, where did I put that Tesco bag?!?!???

Update (12:52 Friday 1 March): Sandy and his co-accused Phillip Emanuel have both been found bang to rights! Hurrah!

The Writing's On The Wall

Lord luvva-bleeding-duck!!!!! I go away for a mere year or two, and return to find that our beautiful Great Wall of Ramsgate has been whitewashed by some numpty with a roller and a pot of Wilko's finest! Priceless works of art ruined in less time than it takes to jackhammer a Banksy off the side of Poundland. Grrrrr! And harrumph!

Of course, this being the Ile de Thanet, the most important thing now is to find a politician to blame. My personal preference would be to crucify the duffers who allowed a bunch of faux developers get their grubby mitts on the Pleasurama site in the first place. Once they've been dealt with, we can move on to tarring and feathering the twit with the paint pot, finally reserving the full Edward II treatment for the feeble-minded who think that selling the freehold for the site to SFP is going to lead to any result other than rows of concrete sticks eyesoring our lovely seafront until we're all long dead and buried. Kuh!

Click here for more photos of the desecration on our local Bibliobloke's blog.

Schadenfraude

Lorks! I see my old Fannit Council chum and former Tory Chief Duffer Sandy Beach has been charged with fraud and misconduct in a public office! Who'd have thought!??!?!??

Senior Crown Prosecutor Ken Goss told the Isle of Thanet Gazunder: 'I have today advised Kent Police to charge two men in relation to fraud and misconduct in a public office. It is alleged one of the men improperly used privileged Thanet District Council information in relation to the purchase of two properties.'

Brarn envelopes and wall-to-wall carpets all round!

Any Portas In A Storm

Holy shop fronts! I see those splendid chaps at Ramsgate Arts have popped out a quickie in a bid to get my old retailing chum Mary Portas down to the Tip of Kent to display her sexy undercrackers in some of our knackered old units.

I must say, I think they've made the Millionaires' Playground look just the ticket for a Harvey Nics! Take a squiz and see what you think...

In Crematoriam

In Memoriam
Jimmy Godden
Funpark operator and, er, pyrotechnician

So, farewell
Then Jimmy Godden.

'Strike a light!'
That was
Your catchphrase.
And 'Stop arson about!'

Now an act
Of Godden
Has taken you
To that great
Funpark in the sky.

Or that other
One, down below.

Either way,
You were probably
Insured.

E. C. Richard (29)

747s 24/7

Cripes! I see the new old duffers at Thanet Council have decided to drop any legal beagle mullarkey and hide behind the time-honoured 'public consultation' smokescreen when it comes to allowing knackered old cargo 747s to buzz our bonces all night long.

Not that I'm too bothered, as I rented the old cliff top mansion out to a bunch of local, er, horticulturists yonks ago. Still, I wouldn't want their plants to wilt under the stress of 500 decibels eight times a night.

So I urge you to get over to the No Night Flights website and take a squizz at the gory details. Or if that's too much of an effort, just email the council with 'I OBJECT TO NIGHT FLIGHTS' in the subject line. Do make sure you include your name, address and postcode in your missive, as the 'consultation' is weighted in favour of those who live directly under the flight path.

Right, I've done my bit. Now, where's Saskia with my G&T?

DFL Goes BTL

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Society Editor Mary Hinge

Celebrity blogger Richard Eastcliff has shocked the isle by moving back to London! He made the surprise announcement in an exclusive interview with the Isle of Thanet Gazunder.

Speaking candidly for the first time about his five years in Ramsgate, which he dubbed 'The Millionaires' Playground', Mr Eastcliff said: 'It really hasn't worked out. When I came here it was on the promise that Thanet was on the up. But it's all gone horribly wrong.'

Mr Eastcliff, who enjoyed fame and fortune in the TV industry with successful shows such as My Dog's a Bitch! and Celebrity Nipples before his move to the area in 2006, added that Thanet was no place for a creative genius such as himself.

'There's no media work here, and what's worse is that people don't even understand the concept. I've done the odd media job in Thanet, but nobody wants to pay for it. I'd be better off flogging double glazing or taking bungs to nod through planning permission.'

Adjusting the string holding up his trousers and sipping from a can of Stella Artois, Mr Eastcliff continued: 'Not only that, but when you tell potential employers in London that you live in Thanet, they just don't want to know. The final straw was when I pitched an idea to a commissioning editor at Channel 4 last month and she said 'Oh dear, I see you live in Margate'. Needless to say I didn't get the job.'

Pausing only to fill out a Jobseeker's Allowance form, the 29 year old added: 'I've hardly had any work in the past two years. I've also developed some expensive habits, and now I'm facing a huge bill for five years' unpaid tax, so I've got to sell the old cliff top mansion. Hopefully I'll find work in the smoke.' He explained that by 'the smoke', he meant London, not Margate.

Taking a leisurely puff on his crack pipe, the former TV Times Personality of the Year concluded: 'It's not all been bad, though. I've made some good friends down here and I'd especially like to thank Cyril my accountant, who, actually, I haven't heard from recently, Dodgy Dave for the crystal meth, Tyson my Staffordshire bull terrier, and all the staff at Thorley Taverns for those times when I've had half a dozen over the eight and they've refused not to serve me.'

Mr Eastcliff is 29.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Hurrah! It's the one day of the year when I actually look forward to the postman getting a firm grip on my knocker and penetrating my brass flap with his enormous delivery so that he can empty his bulging sack all over my inner sanctum!

As usual, I'll be spending my 29th birthday today entertaining fans and family here at the old cliff top mansion. Feel free to add your birthday wishes!