Monday, December 17, 2007

Old Eastcliff's Thanet Almanac

Crumbs! My predictions last year turned out to be pretty accurate, so I thought I'd give it another go for 2008! Here's what I saw after a good long stare into my crystal balls:

January
A cold month, with much wind emanating from the north. A great wailing and gnashing of teeth will be heard in the region of Cecil Square as one foolhardy member of the public attempts to borrow a book.

February
February will be slightly longer this year but still quite short by usual standards. A well known Ramsgate millionaire will be inundated with offers of marriage on the 29th.

March
Thanetians will celebrate a new feast day, to be called The Closing of The Museums. This will become an annual event, rivalled only by the already popular Nailing Up of the Khazis. A great gloom will spread across the island as Council Tax demands arrive.

April
This will be the fourth month of the year. There will be new developments offering the same old promises - luxury apartments, retirement homes, and buy-to-let opportunities.

May
Thanet's rugged chieftain will celebrate his first year in power by laying a carpet in Kingsgate and instigating free parking (outside his shop in Cliftonville).

June
This will be a hot month, and many buildings in Margate will suffer spontaneous combustion. Victorian bathing costumes will be all the rage in Broadstairs. (What's new? - Ed.)

July
A great hoard will depart from RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport, only to discover that their holiday consists of flying over Ramsgate every nine minutes for the rest of the week.

August
Our leaders will sign a treaty with China and the island shall henceforth be known as 'Hong Kong'.

September
Many famous celebrities bearing presents will flock to Thanet to celebrate the birthday of its foremost citizen. To avoid the rush, please send your gift in advance to: Richard Eastcliff, Cliff Top Mansion, Victoria Parade, Ramsgate, Kent.

October
This month will come before November, but after September.

November
With winter approaching, much of the area will suffer from debilitating eyesores. The islanders will give these various names, such as 'Dreamland', 'Pleasurama', and 'West Cliff Hall'.

December
A great traffic jam will form at Westwood Cross as the island's inhabitants rush to buy presents for Christmas, which I predict will this year be on the 25th.

Phew! That's enough almanac, pass the Armagnac!

6 comments:

O Little Town of Birchington said...

All together now
(slowly with dissonance):

" So here it is,
Merry Christmas,
Everybody’s having fun,
Look to the future now
It’s only just beguuunn... "

Bleak Mouse said...

Shurely (hic!) the nice thing about being here is the sheer predictability of the plaice or fot that batter the Saith. I predict a hangover.
Merry Christmas to you and your organ, which continues to delight.

Lucy Mail said...

Can't argue with that, Leak Mouse (isn't that some kind of sanitary product?).
In fact, I can't help feeling that if everyone could vent with their organ in such a way, the World would be a much spunkier place.

Anonymous said...

Did you consider that IOTG would 'uncover' your identity in 2008?

Eastcliff Richard said...

Well they've had enough clues. I'm surprised they didn't manage it in 2006!

bigvern said...

Oh god another groundhog year. So pleased you are looking forward to 2008. The playground needs forward thinking seers.