A SEASONAL MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT RICHARD MILLHOUS NIXON

My Fellow Thanetians,

Since thawing out from cryogenic suspension in a warehouse at Port Ramsgate last year, courtesy of the intermittent nature of your French power supply, I have moved among you as the man you have grown to love and trust, Mr Richard Eastcliff.

However, with the new year approaching, the time has come for me to address you directly about the year that has passed, and the year to come. [Applause.]

I was greatly encouraged by the re-election of the island's Republican administration this year, as was my Vice President and Chief Pardoner, President Gerald Rudolph Ford, who currently resides in a spare freezer round the back of Iceland. I look forward with anticipation to the day when Gerald and I will be able to reminisce about the good times again, and feel sure that, thanks to EDF, that day is fast approaching. [Applause.]

Over the past twelve months, neglect, scandal and incompetence have grown. Yet there are many other improvements still to be made. I have personally witnessed people questioning authority [gasps of shock and disbelief], and there are still far too many beautiful coastal areas which would benefit from a Watergate [surely 'waterfront'? - Ed.] style development. [Cries of 'Here, here'.]

It is with a joyous heart, however, that I see our Chinese friends will be investing in the island, following my pioneering talks in Peking in 1972, and I have already taken the precaution of reserving a place for Chairman Mao in a frozen ready meals cabinet at the Westwood Tesco, where he will continue to mastermind the import of cheap old tut upon which our economy depends. [Three choruses of: 'Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!']

I feel certain that you will agree when I say that the continuing prospect of a Thanet with a tremendous great Dick in charge will give great comfort to the populace. To that end, I will be keeping my albeit rather trembly finger poised on that big red button in my office in Margate. [Rapturous applause followed by cries of '90 more years!!']

By the grace of God, and with your support, I am confident that my trusted policies of ignoring your problems, ruining your life, and destroying your future will guarantee my place in history.

May God continue to bless the United States of Thanetia.

Richard M Nixon, President